Wednesday, December 31, 2014

So Long & So Short


Dear Zach,

It had been an eventful year for me this year. Though nothing much happening that worth remembering, of course I’d definitely remember the time I had spent studying in my dorm in college, rushing assignments, the club activities, and the internship period. I am not going to elaborate much about that because I guess everyone who is reading it is pretty much fed up about all.

Of course, there are a few people that I’ll always miss. Not sure if they still remember me, it doesn’t matter if they don’t. I would not blame them for that. Time flies; Memory fades. Everybody has their own lives to go on. Once in a while, I feel like sending them a text, but I bet the conversation wouldn’t hold long enough. I will just have to miss them in my heart.

On the other note, I received a call from one of the company I had interview saying that they intend to hire me. I accepted their offer instantly. Yup, I got a job. It’s a good news to kick start new year. I might sound nonchalantly in this matter, but I am pretty sure getting a job is nothing much excited about. So … yeah. Period.

It’s the last day of 2014, I should be listing down my resolutions – I didn’t. I don’t intend to. Because no one is going to follow exactly the plan anyway. Pointless of doing that. The only thing I wanna do is to be happy everyday. I’ve had enough to unhappiness this year, it’s time to move out from the dark circle and be happy. Being happy isn’t an easy job, because one word, one moment, one person, one look, or one slap could bring you back to what you originally are.

Getting good in shape is most guys utmost priority. I couldn’t be bothered of doing that either. I tired of trying to be someone I am not. Be it bad shape or weird shape of my body, I am going to be who I am. I am not going to work my body to impress people; I impress people for being myself. That’s all matter. 

So long for now. See you guys next year.


Sunday, December 28, 2014

Instagram-famous? Not.


Dear Zach,

Few days ago, I had some sexual encounters with this guy at his house, who happens to be same age as me, and we did nothing heavy though. I was very reluctant to move when he suggested to go to a coffee shop, simply because I hate coffee. Well, his persistence had me no choice I didn’t wanna be so rude for declining his offer. So we went to a coffee shop, ordered our drinks, and sat at the far corner where no one could hear us, which no one would even hear us since the coffee shop was empty of customer. And when he asked for WiFi password from the servant, he told him “Sorry, we don’t have WiFi here.” Nodded his head to the direction of the laminated paper attaching on the wall, saying “No WiFi here. Please Talk to each other.” I laughed a little.

We chit-chat a little, getting to know each other a little bit. And I got to know that he’s a big spender, Instagram-famous, and so-called high profile person. Simply because he has many friends of Taiwanese and Malaysian top models and their cell phone numbers. And pointing out which person is gay. I can instantly tell that he’s an attention seeker – the most typical gay boy in this current trend. He asked me if I know anyone who is high profile. I said “Define high profile.” He said, “That kind of guy who has thousands of followers on Instagram and Facebook.” Seriously? I mean like you consider this as such high profile person? I told him that I don’t care. He technically had his first hookup with a guy from Instagram. I almost peed my pants when he said this. So Instagram is the newest hookup space now?

First thing first, having thousands of followers on your social medias doesn’t make you famous – is your slutty anatomy exposing pictures that attracts thousand of horny guys to follow you. If having thousands of followers make you famous, then why didn’t I see you on the front page of cover magazine? Are people nowadays that shallow thinking having followers will make you famous? I have no comment about this.

I was glad time past by quickly. He sent me back to my place and we bid goodbye. We never talked to each other since then. I am glad because I don’t think I can tolerate such person again.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Second In


Dear Zach,

I am feeling better. Thank you for all the kind words for the health of me and my mum. We both are doing better in each passing day. Nothing much happening during Christmas and Boxing Day. Just some minor encounters with guys – nothing hot and heavy. For the past few days I had been spending my time doing nothing at home, apart from watching Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and annoying some people on Instagram.

I went for second interview today. I didn’t expect they had selected six starters from the bunch of interviewee – I was one of the carefully-picked starters. Only six of us to vie for the one vacancy - it is an open-door for fresh graduate for career growth opportunity. We were seated in the meeting room, watching 20 minutes of video about intro of the whole company itself and awkwardly watching the top management people hard-selling themselves, and doing pranks in the video, which made me cringe all the more. I mean I didn’t find it funny; I found it awkward and the six of us didn’t even laugh or, the worst yet, didn’t even breathe out a small giggles. I was pretty sure everyone finds the video is as stupidly awkward as it does. The whole room filled with heavy awkwardness I suddenly feel the urge to laugh. Who still does stupid prank in video nowadays?

Thank God, the video didn’t last long. As soon as the video ended, I breathe out a relief as the managing director came in, shook our hands, and started explaining everything there is to know about the company. The MD said the only way to impress him is to ask questions in between. That was funny because we literally understood what he explaining and we couldn’t even figure out a question to ask. I don’t think asking questions about something I’d already known is enough to impress him to give the vacancy priority to me.

After what seemed to be like 2 hours of explanation, we were evaluated one-on-one for 5 minutes. I felt that the evaluation just lasted 2 seconds and I bid goodbye to the MD, grabbed my stuff, and left. Well, all I have to do now is to eat, pray, and wait for the very call from the company so that I could get a proper job next month.  


Thursday, December 25, 2014

How I Spent My Christmas Eve


Dear Zach,

I was mulling over my Aloha Chicken big pizza, watching Gundam on Youtube, laughing and enjoying the empty house alone.

It was Christmas Eve. Everybody seemed to have their own programme and enjoy the night out with their friends. Whereas, as for me, I stayed in my home, was in the state of illness, hearing the humming sounds emitting from the refrigerator. What could have been more worst when I found out from my dad that my mum was admitted to hospital for minor operation without me knowing it. They planned to hide this from me and my brother.

And the gloomy weather wasn’t helping me out either, which made my illness much more worst. I have been in constant state of illness for weeks. Doctor said probably it was indigestion, which in turn rendered me feeling vomiting and bloating. I planned to have someone over to have some sex, but to no avail.

Hence, I spent the night with reading and going to bed at 10 p.m. sharp. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014



Dear Zach,

Torn between the decisions that has to be made within limited period of time. I am unsure if it’s really what I want for my future sake.

I have got offers from two companies from Singapore. It is a great news to rejoice; I didn’t feel like it. What makes me cringe-worthy is that they want me to make decision as soon as possible. Working in Singapore is what most fresh-grad ever wanted to be.

A question that is running in my mind right now: Do I really want this? I mean, is this where I want to be? Leaving everything I have, to be working in a foreign continent, and starting my life anew?

I am confuse right now.

I need to be away and get distracted.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014



Dear Zach,

It’s midst of the week. I felt like I had been through a week of exhaustion – it’s not even Friday yet. Ever since I had completed my internship last Friday, I have been sending my resume to many companies in jobstreet, and, in return, I had gotten some invitations for interview for the following days. I had been to five interviews in total, I dare to say that I am an expert interviewee now. Not sure if they are gonna hire me, but I had given all in. It was really nerve-wrecking being questioned and sometimes you babbled shit to answer to question, realizing you didn’t even answer the question itself. Imagine my horror when they starring at me with the awkward silence hanging around the atmosphere. Not sure why but I always felt the urge to laugh when I was situated in this kind of situation. Practice makes perfect – now I had grasped the way of their questioning technique and I knew exactly how to counter. If I really couldn’t answer, I’d have to use my last resort – slap the shit out of them. Mind the pun.

Having been through several interviews, the more I realized that I wasn’t really interested in any of the jobs. My biggest fear is my doubts. I have doubts that I couldn’t hold on to these jobs I had applied for long. Mainly because my interest isn’t there. They offered me great remuneration, but I am not sure if I want to accept. This is a very important step of my stepping stone for my career. I can’t afford to make a mistake and hoop to another job just for the sake of my interest. I’ve always wanted to work in a publishing or magazine firm – sadly to know that Malaysia have very limited choices of such company. If there comes a moment when I have to make a huge decision for my career path, I’d have to think wisefully.

There’s a few more interviews in later days this week. I will be heading to Singapore for two interviews. If I could make it for the interviews, I might have the chance of working there. Hopefully Singaporean isn’t as stringent as Malaysian – I really wish to work there. Oh well… let’s the faith to decide.


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Part Of Me : Bad Temper


Dear Zach,

One of my major flaws is my temper – a very bad temper. Not that I am always in the state of being hot-headed, it’s just that whenever thing turns out not the way I expect, my mind will be lost and frantically searching for solutions, and that’s when my temper is boiling up. It could have been worst if I were in a warm or hot environment, with people talking non-stop beside my ears, needless to say it literally boost up my temper to the highest level in no time.

Because of the major flaw of mine, I had driven away my high school best friend – mainly not because of my bad temper, but it was about the comment she made about men, and now we had become stranger. She did make an effort in reconciliation of our friendship, but once it’s broken, it’s considered sold. I had also driven away a special guy I fond of – that time I was in my bad mood and my temper was at the brim of shooting up, his text message to me after not contacting for months had made me even angrier, I replied him my first line with “hey, stranger.”. And he got upset about it. After a few line, not even ten lines, of niceties, but not very nice of me to him, I sent him an emoticon marking the end of our conversation. I guess that’s the end of our whatever-ship. And there’s a few guys I also had driven away – especially him. If he couldn’t accept who I am, I am not gonna change myself just to please him, so just let the bygones be bygones.

My mum has always told me that my temper could kill my career someday. I know that. I tried my hardest to be calm and easy as humanly possible. I have been training to be calm as opposed to what I am supposed to be. It helps me a lot from not going hot-headed toward anyone. It’s a bad trait of being a Taurus. But, I am still a human too – I have my emotions, and am just wanting to let it all out telling the world I am not the person whom they think I am. It’s really frustrating and tired of pretending someone I try to be, instead of being someone I want to be.

Sometimes I just had no idea who I am anymore. If only trying to find parts of yourself and putting it together is as simple as putting the pieces of puzzle together.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Last Day of 16 Weeks


Dear Zach,

It was my last day.

I was supposed to be feeling happy, joyful, vibrant, glowing and whatever terms that describe a person that was about to leave a hellish working place on the last day itself ; I wasn’t feeling it. What makes me feeling guilty of not feeling what it’s supposed to be felt was that I actually missed the people there. Though my first and the worst working experience could have been this one, but I do enjoy the throughout journey of endless suffering, insulting, complaining with others interns from other colleges about this shithole company I had worked for. It was entertaining, a lot of laughter, and, of course, our endless complaint and bitch-talk about everything in this company. That’s something we had in common - we hated working there more than we ever hated ourselves.

It was my last day.

Before I left, I stayed in there much longer than I usually do, bidding goodbyes and giving hugs to people I had worked with, and taking pictures for remembrance. I specifically didn’t hug him even though I had the urge to do so. Our last kiss was the day before the last day. I didn’t want to kiss him on my last day – it would have made me missed him all the more and I afraid I might have fallen for him very hard. I kissed him passionately – I knew I won’t ever be seeing him again. Or I will never see him again. Our final and last kiss. And I won’t, or probably will never, miss him - it breaks my heart when I miss him.

It was my last day.

I will definitely miss the endless complaint, the people, and the final kiss.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014



Dear Zach,

Sometimes I am really unsure if I had made the right decision of letting my heart to want what it wants, following its lead, irrationally thinking all will turn out to be fine. I want to be optimistic, but pessimistic of me had no doubt always taken the toll of me. I am always trying hard to think for the future of what it will hold – it’s a stupid thing to do when I can never know what will happen in the future as thing happens unexpectedly and unprecedentedly as it could be. It always has been that way. Because of that, I take precautions, preparing my dialogue mentally in account of dealing with people, doing extra efforts of keeping anything from going haywire. I worry too much. I know I should stop and let my life goes on as it should be, people keep telling me to stop worrying, and be happy. I am not sure if I could be happy anymore. Or put it this way: I am not sure if there’s anything could make me happy. I want to take a chance to randomly live my life without being paranoid. I guess paranoia is a disease which could follow me forever. It’s like when thing is going perfectly fine, you would be thinking if there’s something wrong about thing going fine. Simply because when thing is going fine, eventually the finest thing will have expired and turned into worst thing it possibly could. It’s like give and return, so to speak.

I am listening to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Breakaway’ while typing this down.

If only I will make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Heart Wants What It Wants


Dear Zach,

I had tried. My hardest to keep my feelings away. Hiding in depth of my heart, where no one could be discovered. I was trying. Kept on trying to hide. It just couldn’t ebb away.

I had made my confession to him. Over the typical type of method – text message.

Rejection is common. I knew it was coming. I knew it because we both are still incapable of committing into something serious.

But, at least, I had tried to make a move - telling him how I feel about him. I am willing to try.

The is the first time I’ve ever tried my bravest to fight for what I think it’s worth fighting for.

Exhilarating yet daunting.


Minor Update at 9.27pm:

Just when i thought thing is going fine, it turns out everything is just a lie.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Job Interviews


Dear Zach,

Here’s a little update of my life so far:

1. I was a little bit hyperventilating yet sad at the same time thinking the fact that I am about to leave this shitty workplace I hated so much in 1 week time. Though in my heart I am saying I won’t ever miss this place, but what I miss the most would be him.

2. My phone was buzzing with job interviews for every few hours asking if I am interested for available vacancies. And my answer had always been ‘yes’ because I don’t want to miss any of the opportunities. But the interviews are all falling on the same date. I’d have to reply them via email one by one asking if either each of them could change date for me. How embarrassing of me as an unemployer asking an employer to change interview dates just for me.

3. I went for 2 interviews on Wednesday. Both went very well. Especially the first one. And I vomit like shit after the first interview. And then attended for the second interview. Thought I was feeling perfectly fine after the first vomiting - It proved me wrong. I vomit like shit after the second interview. And then I spent 12 hours sleeping away til the next day.

4. I got a called from the company I had my first interview on Wed. They intended to hire me after I complete my internship. What makes me relief was that when she asked if I really wanted the job, and I said “Not really keen.” I may have lost one, but there’s plenty of chances out there.


Monday, December 1, 2014

Job Decision


Dear Zach,

Not sure if my new hair color (mixture of gold and blond, not sure what sort of color is that, I couldn’t even describe it.) had given my luck a spin, seemingly the first day of December has a lot of good news.

Last Saturday I log in to Job Street to send my resume to random companies who offer available positions to fresh graduates. I didn’t bother much about getting a reply from all of them because luck had never been on my side. Today, I received 5 calls from recruiting company saying that there are available vacancies and asking me if I am interested to fill in. When choices are limited, I’d be more than happy to accept it. But when there’s too much of choices, you’d have to crack your head  thinking which is the best for you. I have 7 offers and they are waiting for my reply by this week. I couldn’t make much of deep consideration because each job scope is what I intend to look for. Of course, the basic salary is what attracts me the most.

I might be afraid there will be more incoming calls from different recruiting companies tomorrow. I know it’s a big decision for me to choose the right path now. And I do know the fact that once the new year has started, there will be lesser job opportunity for me to choose from. It is now or never.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Bye Bye Bye


Dear Zach,

When you fell in the pool of romance, you would have the urge to write everything down for every single day of what you’ve had done with him. For the past few days had unfailingly proven that romance can make my mind dumber – from dumb to dumber. For the split second would I have thought there’s a remote possibility between us to go any further from initiating sex talk to romantic talk. I guess sex talk wins it all. Big time. Because everyone wants to have sex, and when comes to talking about sex, people never cease to be feeling animated talking about it, and that’s when the horny feeling kicking in. And, of course, since our animated behavior were all started off by talking about sex, then I shall be the gentlemen to shut it off by sealing my lips, refusing to talk to him by any chance, and being coldly distant and distantly cold. Like yesterday, I hardly spoke to him more than two words for the entire day. I was gloating inside because I got the be the bitchy side of myself when one has triggered my bitchy side of myself.

It’s exactly two weeks to go to finish my internship in this fucken company. I can’t wait to leave this place and don’t miss anything or everything and everyone in this company. I hated everything and everyone from this company. My utmost hatred toward everything about this company is indescribable and indestructible. And the boss is gay and I hated him so much because he’s an asshole that everyone in this company will always hate. And because of too much hatred in one, I’ve become a hateful person. Okay. I lie about the last part.

Not sure what has overcome me this morning, I woke up and grabbed my phone, and swiped to the left to look for the all time infamous icon, I tapped on it, and went to the setting of the apps, and deleted my account, once and for all. So yeah … … since deleting the apps isn’t working to halt me from my constant seeking of sex, then I will have to delete the user account. I am a free bird now.

To anyone who has once chatted me up over the Jack’d, saying that you have come across my blog, I am sincerely grateful for all the kind words and flattery. I hope my lack of acknowledgement to your message doesn’t offend you in anyway as I find it awkward chatting over Jack’d. LOLZ.

That’s all for now.

See y’all in December.


Thursday, November 27, 2014

I Am Divorced


Dear Zach,

I want to make a simple post about my divorce.


I am divorcing my phone.


Divorcing myself from my smart phone or dumb phone that I used to love to cling with so much as though I couldn’t live a day without it. I know it’s felt so cool to be able to swipe left to right, up and down for the awesome interface you’ve had never tried before. It’s also cool to have such cool gadget to be able to constantly update your social medias on ease of your palm with a right tap away. I know the temptation to check on the updates of the photo you posted online saying how stressful you are in which you are not, but wanting to seek some attention just for the sake of getting likes for the photos. And the games are fun to play with.

But, please, put it aside. Or hide in your bag. And enjoy living for the moment without those gadget tagging around. Learn to put it down when you are having conversation with others over a meal. Learn to put it aside when people are talking to you directly in your face about things that matter. Learn to put it down when you are having a dinner with your family, because they are what matter the most. Learn to put it in your pocket when you are walking on the road because you wouldn’t want yourself to get hurt by just a gadget that makes you fall off from the pavement due to busying tapping away on your phone. Learn to adapt living the life without your phone around you, observing how different it is to be living in a world where everyone is hunching their back to look at the screen of the phone, while you are just sitting there with a cup of tea on the table, that’s it. I have adapted such manner that I wouldn’t put my phone on the table, by any chance, or put it inside my pocket. Even if I have nothing to talk about, I would just observe the surrounding people, take it as a chance to be an avid observer about people. Because I want to learn how life it was when there was no cool gadget around us for the last decades.

I know it’s an awkward start not to have your gadget around when you are sitting alone in the coffee shop. Not everyone could do this. Because to most people, not having your smart phone around makes them socially awkward. But having your smart phone with you makes you anti-social. I am trying my best not to constantly flip on my phone just to kill away my boredom. But most of the time I would leave my phone in my car. Because I just want to enjoy my quiet meal and tea, and the sound of people chattering around you, and my mundane life.


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Stinky B-yotch


Dear Zach,

Thank you for the kind words of dumping that asshole in my previous post.

Yup. I was really happy that I did not touch him today by any chance. Nor did he touch me when I was alone with him in the car to somewhere for lunch. And I did not really talk to him. I was glad things between us had changed so drastically without me knowing it and remained back to what it was supposed to be when I started working there – to be strictly platonic. When he jokingly told me he was leaving next week, I wasn’t surprised. In fact, I was glad he could leave as soon as possible before I leave the company in two weeks time. Having that being said, he is going to leave this company as well on the same day I leave. What a fucking coincidence! But I couldn’t be bothered because I will not be seeing him anyway. Let alone him fucking himself. And whenever he tried to bring up topic about sex, I avoided it completely and pretended I wasn’t interested in talking about sex with him under such awkward circumstances. What I found irritating about him is that his fingers are constantly on tapping his phone for almost all the time, especially while driving, eating, and walking. I really couldn’t hold my irritation of his such disrespectful behavior to me, I voiced it out, “Why are you tapping your phone all the time?”

“Just tapping. Playing games.” He said, still tapping on his phone.

“My dad is almost like you. Tapping on the phone, playing games when we having family dinner.” I said, looking ahead of the road. “And he was admonished by me for being disrespectful to us.” I added.

He still had the cheek to say this, “So you are trying to admonish me for being like this?”

“Well, I am trying to give you an advice. It’s a bad habit.” My tone was hard. But he didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh. Thanks for the piece of advice.” He continued on tapping his phone.

“You don’t have to listen it anyway.” I said sardonically.

“Listen or not, that’s my wish. Thanks though.” Tap tap tap tap

I am so disappointed. What a complete arsehole! I tuned up the volume of the car stereo and refused to talk to him after that. If he doesn’t want to talk, why should I talk to him? 

Lesson learnt from this experience: Never ever bring up the topic about sex in work. Simply because topic about sex could drive two people doing all sorts of wrong things at wrong place at wrong time. Fortunately, I didn’t get to suck his hardon anyway – his dick stinks when I slipped my hand into his pants and grabbed hold of it. I washed my hands with Dettol thrice, but the stinky odor still linger around my palm. Sorry for being such a bitch here, but I am not sorry.


Tuesday, November 25, 2014

I Don’t Care


Dear Zach,

I was in my own foul mood today. I had been quiet for the entire day. Dead quiet. Everyone seemed to be aware of my unspoken silence and found me intimidating as my facial expression was as dark as charcoal, they never dared to speak to me. Neither did I speak more than ten words for the whole day to anyone. I appreciated that they didn’t try to talk to me. Because if they do I would have flipped out, and punched bitches.

I expected him to talk to me at least to find out what was wrong with me; He did not. I was really disappointed by the fact that he treated me such way, even if he would have the chance of being punched. And I was jealous of him when he told me he had lunchie with the bitch he hated. Okay, I shouldn’t be jealous as the bitch had no one to go lunch with, him being a lady-men to have accompanied her for lunch. And my foul mood was ten times worst after lunch hour. I refused to look anyone in the eye, especially him. I used my cold stare at him, and hard voice to him. And yet he still acted nonchalantly to my sudden changes of behavior. I swear to God I could have thrown a chair across the room at his face.

This. Has readily proven that he does not like me as a person. He just attracted to my physical appearance. I am really disappointed in him. It’s over. It’s done. If he’s ever touch me, I will slap him for sure.

Monday, November 24, 2014

I Should Stop


Dear Zach,

I should stop.

Stop doing something that he wouldn’t even have the tingly interest to do it in return. Like me kissing his hands.

I was the one who was doing it.

I was the one who was holding his hands while driving the fucking car.

I concerned about him. Like trying to massage his injured wrist with the cream I purposely brought it along.

I was the one who said I miss him. First. He never said it back.

I wanted to ask if he is fond of me.

I guess the question should be remained unspoken. Because I knew he wouldn’t answer directly to my question.

I am really confused.

Maybe I don’t have abs. But this is absurd.

If there’s no reciprocation between us, it’s about fucking time to cut the loose.

About fucking time.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

I Don’t Have A Type


Dear Zach,

I used to have a type of guys I fancy – lean, toned, chiseled abs, broad shoulder, and muscular back. They were my kind of dream guy I wanted to be and be with.

I guess I have gotten to know better about these hot guys through Jack’d, and feeling much grateful to the constant invention of latest gay-seeking apps nowadays, I hated and am hating on these narcissistic and stupid ‘hot guys’ who intend to find guys like them – stupid and narcissistic hot guys.

I don’t have a type. If I like you, I will like you. Simple as that.

I am tired of people asking what my type is. Because seeking my type of guy as though seeking needle in haystack. Even if he’s your type of guy, he might not be compatible with you or otherwise. Having a type constrain you from being yourself. Because you would pretend to be someone you are not to impress your desired guy.

I don’t have a type. Simple as that.


Saturday, November 22, 2014



Dear Zach,

A week that filled with lust could really make my week a little much brighter and I look forward to each day itself. Not sure if it’s lust or just some sudden fondness I found in him. Good thing is that we work together in the same area, so that we get to talk to each other without failure.

I never liked him in a way I like him now when I got to know him 3 months back. We just work. Nothing much happening then. Back then I hated my job so much to the point I didn’t really notice about him. As the days went by, I was starting to notice him. He’s slim, slightly shorter than me, and wearing an old-fashioned specs on his handsome face. If you ask me if he’s attractive at the first place, I’d say no. He’s never really my type of guy I’d consider to have sex with.

Time makes funny things to people. Not sure when I starting to have the intention to get to know him better. I think it’s the sex topic that makes both of us sexually attracted to each other. We shared our sexual encounters, and other sexual stuffs. Everyday whenever he approaches me, his after-showered scene filled my nostril, always giving me an instant hard-on. I wanted to grab him into me and smooch him madly in the working area. We always flirt with each other whenever we have the chance.

Deep down I know I shouldn’t be having such complicated relationship as I’d be leaving in a month. We wouldn’t be seeing each other then. I constantly remind myself that I must not fond of him. I must hate him. Despise him. But I couldn’t. Until one day, we unintentionally drove to a discreet place after lunch, and made out in the car. It was good. I felt ecstatic! I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way as I did. The next day itself, I wanted to tell him we should remain what it should have been instead of going further. I couldn’t do it. And I miss his lips on me already.

I have no idea where this is going to lead to. Is it going to lead to a new beginning of something I am afraid to be committing for so long or it’s just some platonic encounter that I usually have?

Argh! I shouldn’t have let my dick to think.

Monday, November 17, 2014



Dear Zach,

When I was first asked to differentiate between trousers and pants, I was stunned for God knows how many seconds had past, only to realize I had no idea there was a difference in them. I scooted over to one corner discreetly, powered up my smart phone to search for “Trousers VS Pants” on the Google bar, not wanting to lose my dignity in front of my colleagues for not knowing what trouser is. Well, I was assured, firmly assured, that both terms mean the same thing but both are being used in different country – that’s what the Google said. For my entire life, I had been using the term ‘pants’ to describe pants in different sizes, length, width, and colors. As long as it covers the most private part of your anatomy at your lower body, it’s safely wearable and I am just whatever.

What am I writing about this? There are a few reasons but I want to emphasize on one: Fashion in Men.

I do notice the fact that men, especially who are aged over 25, are starting to look attractive at their respective age. Partly because they are mostly financially stable and the fashion sense is getting over them in a way their surrounding peers also starting looking fashionably good. It’s a good thing for men to know how to dress up well to impress themselves and people. Sometimes I came across some men, gay men especially, wearing short shorts – like real short – walking around the mall. It’s not sexy but greatly horrifying. I think for men, regardless straight or gay, should be able to dress up decently before stepping out the door to see the day light.

Trouser is the good choice for every man. It looks good on them. And definitely cover up the hairy calves which sometimes grossing the shit out of people. For those who do not know what trouser is like I do, below is the picture.


Isn’t the trouser looking too hot on this guy already?

A good choice of trouser is the best make up potion to bad wardrobe. Basic trouser can be paired up with tank top, sleek shirt, and T-shirt, and you are good to go for a day/night out. It gives you that macho yet approachable aura and expensive looking to others who see you. Colored trousers could also be worn if you are a vibrant joyful person.


Very often when I run out of idea of dressing myself up, I’d go for a plain color trouser and pair up with a desired color of T-shirt. Because it’s easy, breezy, and wonderful.


Picture extracted from Zalora official website :

Remember, dressing simple is sexy.



Saturday, November 15, 2014

Blue Saturday


Dear Zach,

If I were to blog on every weekend, time would have flown by even faster than I could have ever thought.

It’s midst of November. Another 15 days more til December. Everyone seems to be very excited for the month of December because it’s a month of wasting money for wrapping the gift up with expensive ribbons and ding dongs to be giving away to someone you think he’s important enough to appreciate your gesture but he isn’t, which leave you in tears and heartbreak and repeat the same old stupid cycle. Yeah… that’s what I think about Christmas - every Christmas to be exact. Funnily, when I was a kid I had always thought there would be snowing season during the month of December, until one day when I looked up the sky seeing the drops of tear falling from the sky, I came to realize that heavy downpour had replaced my imaginative snowing scenery with angry thunders and strong winds I wonder if the roof top would be lifted off.

Sometimes it’s good to be receiving present once in a while. Speaking of which, I’ve had not been receiving any presents from anyone for years, which is a good thing for me because I don’t have to return the same favor by spending on rubbish for the sake of reciprocation. And I don’t have money. So it would be a good thing that you send me some cash instead.

I really can’t wait to start a brand new year and bid farewell to 2014. It’s just that it’s been a rough year, thoroughly inside out, emotionally and physically. No. I was not being abused in any sort of way. It’s just that turning 21 this year wasn’t the way I had hoped it to be. Sometimes great expectation gives you great outcome of disappointment. Crashes your faith, dream, and belief. But there’s one thing I still believe in … is my heart.


P.S: Have you guys watched the newest trailer of 50 Shades? It’s too much sex in one trailer! holy!


Sunday, November 9, 2014

Part of Me : Introvert


Dear Zach,

Even though I am not working today, I hit right in the sack after blogging before 10 p.m. last night. Partly due to I was having foul mood and not wanting to do anything else better than sleeping the day away.

I woke up to the drowsy morning. I grabbed my phone expecting a message from the guy whom I snapped at last night but there was none. He got angry – that I won’t blame him for being angry at me. I want him to be actually. So that we can stop contacting each other and I can stop thinking about him again. Hopefully he will get my cue on my last night behavior.

I’ve found a part of me this morning. I came to realize that I am an introvert – I should say I finally admit this. Not sure if there’s a range of one to ten in scaling introvert. But I can assure myself I am one of the introversion population out there. The assurance from this articles 10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World had gotten me firmly believed I am one. Not that this article itself has got me proven instantly I am, I have read a few articles about being introvert and I came to believe this.

Here’s the few points from the articles I want emphasize on myself:

1. They withdraw in crowds.

As much as I have told y’all, I really do hate crowds. You may think that’s ironic because few weeks ago I went to the club. Well, that’s because my best friend is the only person I am close with, hence I can drop all the jitters and be myself, at least. Usually, I stay at home and do my own thing.

2. Small talk stresses them out, while deeper conversations make them feel alive.

I avoid small talks by any chance. I always find a way to escape from being initiated small talk when there’s one person standing next to me. If I couldn’t escape, I’d have to nod and smile briefly but inside my heart I would be screaming “please stop talking.” Absolutely avoid acquaintances because of the possibility of engaging in small talk with them. As for the deeper conversations, I don’t have to describe more about that as you know me.

3. They physically can't stand talking on the phone.

Talking on the phone with my mum is way different from talking on the phone with friends or strangers or acquaintance. It’s true that I always feel dreadful to pick up those least favorite numbers appear on the screen of my phone. And I am more nervous in talking through the phone than in person itself.

4. They literally shut down when it's time to be alone

Yes. Whenever I am in deep thought in whatever place, I’d literally stop interacting. People always ask me if I am okay. I said that I was fine, but they don’t believe me. I become very quiet and they would be very cautiously to talk to or touch me as though I was a time bomb that I would explode in the brief of touch.


There are more points in different articles but these are the points I’d want to talk about.

I want to quote from this commentator,

“The greatest blessing of being an introvert would have to be never really feeling bored when alone.”.


I am an introvert.

Saturday, November 8, 2014



Dear Zach,

I was feeling very heavy for the entire day. The rainy day wasn’t making my mood any better either. Not sure if it was just today that I was feeling such way or it has eventually imparted on daily basis.

I was having foul mood today. Going out for lunch alone during lunch break at work, refusing to open my mouth so much to talk nonsense at the lab, and feeling regretful entire time. I even snapped at this guy, whom I didn’t intend to contact for months, who whatsapped me for no reason. I am just getting sicked of people with no sincerity. I am just getting sicked of people for not being whom they said they are. I am just sicked of doing something I don’t like it at all. Why the pretentious? Why the agony? Why can’t be the truth? 

I am just tired of this flaccid living.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

No Gain But Pain


Dear Zach,

I have lost my motivation as to why I had to pump myself so hard in the gym.

I am lost - Lost my reasons and directions.

I have been hitting the gym 5 days a week. But, who am I trying to prove? Not sure if there’s one or virtual one.

Today, while I was deadlifting, the owner of the gym came to me and asked, “So… how’s your progress? Any gains?”

I looked at myself.

“What do you think?” I directed my question back.

He scanned me in just total 3 seconds at most. I already knew what was really running in his mind. He didn’t have to tell. I didn’t have to say.

“Well…”, I shrugged. “I’ll just have to work harder.”

“It takes time, buddy.”

“I know.” I didn’t want to be felt defeated. Funnily, why did I feel like it was worst than feeling defeated? 

Monday, November 3, 2014

The Brain On 23


Dear Zach,

I had been told, million times, that I tend to be overthinking. Overthinking leads to worrying.

I don’t know why I’ve had to be such way in my young adulthood. This feeling has just struck me out of nowhere as the time flew by. I couldn’t articulate in words. I didn’t expect anyone or everyone to fathom my thinking.

The link below is an article that resonates everything there’s to know about my current situation. No. I am not undergoing mid-life crisis that soon. No. I am not in depression. The quote below is what I am feeling right now. I am glad someone out there is feeling the same way as I do.

All we want is to understand who we are, and we can't. Only time will tell us.” - Molly Sprayregen

Here’s the article link: The Brain On 23

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Mundane-ber (November)


Dear Zach,

I thought there were another 3 months more before hitting the brand new year; I was wrong. After this month, there’s only one month to new year. It is really fast and furious, don’t you think?

Life is pretty much mundane – nothing much sexcinting happen. I have been staying off sex for almost 2 weeks and a half, and still counting. Not sure if I ever wanted to have it with random stranger anymore. It’s really tiring and yet exhausting with all those niceties before jumping into the bed. Strangely, I recently much more into chatting with strangers in Jack’d rather than asking if he’s top or bottom which eventually lead  to another expected event. Sometimes I got fed up with mild-intelligence people, I replied curtly, very curtly, to them so that the whole conversation can bring to a whole new level of shutting down.

Besides, my weekdays were filled with working hours that I resent so much I wish the company can go bankrupt in no time, and after-working gym hours, hence my celibacy goes on like forever without me knowing it. It’s really good to have some distraction away from thinking about getting laid all the time as I used to be. That being said, I am so hating on my job everyday. Day by day my hatred toward this company, and the CEO, is growing ever stronger. Those tasks given had me lost 3 kg of my weight. I am so heartbroken seeing my figure on the weighting scale going down as I built my weight to that desired level was really painstakingly tough. Now, it loses away like nobody business. I am not sure whether to cry or to laugh. My weekends were spent with my toys at home, refusing to go out to see the daylight, and playing “Chandelier” repeatedly til my mum shouted from downstairs to ask me to shut it off.

I come to realize everything what an adult life is – career, money, and sex. Doing the job you hated, having dangerously low level of income, and getting more sleeps in your own bed rather than somebody’s else bed, are deadly combination. A pathetic deadly combination.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Dance The Night


Dear Zach,

It was Saturday night and happened to be a public holiday on that day, everyone should come out to party.

If had I been not cordially and best-friendedly invited by my best friend for her 23th birthday bash in Zouk Club, I would have done the usual same old routine like what my Saturdays usually were – doing nothing. It had been months since my last clubbing experience and I was very looking forward to go there again.

The crowds were getting more by the time of 12.30 a.m.. Zouk club had never ceased to amaze me with the appearance of handsome guys. I would say 80% of the club were filled with decent-looking guys. So it was fun to look at some eye candies while dancing on the dance floor. And girls, of course, dressed sexy as hell. Very very attractive I have to admit. There’s small group of us at the corner table in the main room, drinking and pissing off.

There was one guy, who is one of my best friend’s friend, in his midst-20s caught my eyes instantly when we met. He is attractive, well built, very good-looking. My inner subconscious raised its suspicion of this guy whether he’s one of us. Moment later, I tapped Vic shoulder and talked loudly over the music in her ears.

“That guy quite not bad eh,” I said.

“Yeah? He’s bisexual.” she said, I gaped at her momentarily.

I knew it! Guy like him should be either gay or bisexual.

“He told you?”

“I heard it from someone else.” She noticed my reaction. “Go for him. Who knows he might be interested in you.” She gave a playful smile.

“Is he single?”

“Apparently, yes.”

“Oh then. Maybe I will. Try.”

As much as I wanted to, we just exchanged a few niceties and then I went to the dance floor dancing. I was not sure he’s too good for me or otherwise, I just didn’t have the intention to get to know someone yet. My sole intention was to enjoy the night. I didn’t bother much if he’s gay or whatsoever, I just want to enjoy my night.

It was really cool to be able to dance together on the dance floor with those hot chicks. Boyy.. they got moves. Too bad the crowds were quite dead. I wasn’t sure if they standing at the side of the dance floor side-seeing or just wanted to stand there for the whole night.

Anyway, I was happy.



Saturday, October 25, 2014

Let Him Go


Dear Zach,

It felt so real. So warm. I was confused.

Him clasping my hand. As much as I wanted to let him go, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I’d never felt this way. It felt so special, loving, and happy for the first time in my life.

I’ve had never thought we would ever meet again. I am not sure what’s the reason he holds my hand - I am not sure if I want to know.

I had removed everything about him from my life. I was almost forgetting about him. Now, here it was, him holding my hand, strolling around the mall regardless the disapproval stare from people.

Why? Why did he do this?

I held on tight his hand. I didn’t ever want to let go.

I brought his hand closer to my nose, inhaling the sense of him. I want to be with him this way.

Deep down we both knew we can’t be this way. He had someone else waiting for him far away. He can’t do this to him and to me.

A ray of light shinning through the window to my eyes.

I was blinded by the ray of light. He was backing apart from me. I was losing him in the blindness of light.

It was now or never – I let him go.



I jerked my eyes wide open. A big patch of moisture on my pillow resulting from my drooling in my sleep.

It was just a dream. My heart was pounding.



Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?


Monday, October 20, 2014

Negative Thing Isn’t Always Bad


Dear Zach,

Today I got a call from the clinic saying that my STD/HIV results were in. I wasn’t nervous about it. Not at all.

When I was driving to the gym after work, I was thinking about the probability and possibility of what the results would be.





I didn’t give much thought about it. I just pretend it doesn’t matter even though it was.

Right after gym, I drove to the clinic at usual pace. Walked into the clinic and asked for my report.

“Hi. I am here to collect my report.” I said, expecting her to know what report was. Instead, she said: “What report?”

There were two elderly parents standing beside me, turned their head to me, I held my tongue before I blurted out STD report.

“Ermm… report,” I said, “I did blood test on last Monday.”

“For full body checkup?”

“No. Ya. Erm.. No.” I stuttered. As if on cue, there was another nurse walked in and overheard what we were talking. She said: “Oh. You. I called you today, right?” She turned to the first nurse and said, “The STD report. Did you see it?”

I really wanted to drive my fist across the glasswall and punch these nurses. Can’t you be discreet about this?!

She went inside and then retrieved my report.

“Do you want to consult the doctor?” She handed over my report. I quickly scanned it.

“No. I am fine. Thanks.” I went outside of the clinic.

I read for the second time. Third time. Fourth time. To make sure I comprehend the report.

I exhaled a relief.

Sometimes good things have to come with negative.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Her Kinks And Sexy Lingerie


Dear Zach,

I have to admit this – I am really petrified of women. Imagine my horror when I came across this realization that I got dragged into a sexy lingerie shop, asking opinion about how sexy the laces is on the body of my best friend. The initial plan was that she told me over the dinner she wanted to buy a handcuff as either birthday or Christmas present for her boyfriend. She was watching me almost choking down my meatball when I heard what she just said.

“That is kinky,” I said, couldn’t recover from the shock when she told me she had bought a flogger with her boyfriend and immensely enjoyed the sensational sexual pain from it.

“Indeed! But now I want to try handcuffing.” She looked exciting. I feel envious of her relationship with his boyfriend. They basically had sex all over the place in the house almost every weekend. Now they are trying something even more further from having plain vanilla sex. I am jealous. They are practically implementing the whole Fifty-shades fiction into reality. She is now one step ahead of me in doing that. I thought I was the sex expertise; the table has turned, she is the sex expertise now.

After our dinner, I got dragged into the sexy lingerie shop, searching for handcuff. But what caught her attention was the sexy lacy lingerie which has bare minimum coverage and is almost see-through. Basically, it barely covers the boobs and vagina. I wondered around awkwardly in the shop while she tried it on in the fitting room, browsing the extremely sexy lingerie, figuring out the sexual appeal of it the straight men love about. Some of it I had really no idea what it is and is supposed to cover. All I ever know that the minimum the coverage of the pieces, the higher the price is. I have to admit that these lingerie are really provocative, no doubt men love them. Unfortunately, I don’t.

Moment later, she grabbed the pieces of lingerie with joy to the pay counter and decided to buy this as a surprise present. By surprise, she is gonna wear it on and surprise the living day out of his boyfriend, so that he can either strip it off himself or just screw her with it on her.

Boy boy .. I did not know girls nowadays can be so imaginative and kinky.


Friday, October 17, 2014

Jack’d Conversation Peeves


Dear Zach,

Sometimes when you got to know about people, they would hopelessly disappoint you in ways you could never have expected it to be. They can really sabotage your confidence in any ways by shaming you with profanities about how shitty ugly you are no matter how ugly you already are, just because they could not get laid from you.

What the world has become?

I am no patient man – albeit I am trying my best to practice being patient as humanly possible. But sometimes people have to know their boundary before pushing one to edge with tons of questions/requests about anything related to sex. I got really frustrated with people who keep asking the same thing when I had said I don’t have it. Yet they could still repeat the damn thing again til the point I blocked them.

My responses are always straightforward – one of the bad perks being Taurus. I am no good in articulation but relatively good in words. So when I reply to any emails or message, I may have sounded curtly or from the text you can read between the lines that I am direct-to-points-with-no-bullshit-allowed kind of way, in other word – stern. Hence, people in Jack’d especially, got scared off or fed up with my stern response, they would go unattended for the conversation. I couldn’t be bothered anyway – it’s not like we gonna be friends.

Speaking of friends, do you claim to be friend with some stranger over some random text with hint of hookup intention? Is this how friends claim to be? It’s funny because after a few line of texts with a random guy on Jack’d, very naturally he had claimed we both had become friends. I don’t even fucking know who the fuck you are, so how on earth can I be ‘friend’ with you? I usually refer them as acquaintance. These people were no more than a random acquaintance whom I don’t intend to be friend with. 

As you must know, I have a very few friends. Very very few. You may very likely think I am such a weirdo who have friends number lesser than my family member of four, I couldn’t not be bothered at all. I never fancy buddy-buddy around with strangers.

Bare with me if I ever come across rudely. I am trying my best to be nice but sometimes people can be annoying as fuck.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Most Hilariously Awkward Consultation With Doctor


Dear Zach,

I pushed the door open and walked into the clinic, and was welcomed with the familiar chilly antiseptic-filled air blown across my face. I looked around noticing only a few patients waiting to be consulted. I walked to the counter for registration. A Filipino lady, who is in her midst-thirty, was interrupted by me before she could speak.

“Hi. Does this clinic provide full-body checkup?” Knowing damn well my sole intention was nothing other than full-body checkup. I just did not want to jump to the point by blurting out loud about my intention of coming here.

“Oh. Yes. We do. It includes everything – it costs around 100 bucks or so.” She said. I really do hope she continue on explaining the everything; but she did not. She was looking at me expectantly, cueing me for further enquiry so that she can bring me to the doctor and ask him himself.

I mustered my courage for my following query, embarrassed or not, I just have to do this. I moved closer to the small hole in glass wall in between us, trying to low down my voice as low as humanly possible for not wanting other patient in the room to find out what I am about to do.

“Do you do STD and HIV test?” I whispered.

She looked at me for a brief moment. Her face gave nothing away. I was wondering if she heard what I just said or pretended to have heard what I just said but trying hard not to acknowledge it. Split second later, she spoke.

“Yes. We do test for STD.”

“What about HIV?” I was so nervous I blurted it out something sounded like X-ray.

“No. We don’t provide X-ray service. If you want we can write u a letter to the hospital.” And then she heard it X-ray.

“No! Not X-ray. It’s HIV.” I whispered loudly. Too loudly. I was trying my best to whisper a low as possible. But it was an epic failure. My face turned scarlet.

“Yes. We do too.” She nodded. “Do you want to consult doctor?”

I hesitated for a while. Since I was here, why not just get the deed done. I agreed and walked to the benches, and slumped my tiring body from work on it. I waited patiently for my turn to call.

As half an hour had gone, I started to feel aggravated and hungry. The two prostitutes, who were so pale that I thought they had dipped into a tank of white paint or something, sitting beside me talking in their own dialect very loudly. My head was throbbing and I felt frustrated that I wanna drive my fist through the glass wall and punch nurses.

5 minutes after, my name was called and I entered the room to find a midst-55th year old Sikh doctor, with a turban on his head and long-white beard, waiting for me.

“So, what’s wrong?” He turned to me.

“I want to do STD and HIV checkup.” I said matter-of-factly.

“What?” I don’t blame him for bad hearing at this age of his.

“I want to do blood test for STD and HIV.” I repeated patiently.

“Oh I see. Okay. okay. Well, there’s a few packages. Which one do you want to do? There’s the cheapest one - RM80”

“What’s the cheapest one consists of?” I was flabbergasted by the fact that there’s a cheapest checkup for this.

“Hmmm.. HIV and two STD diagnosis.”

“That’s it?! What about the expensive one?”

“That costs RM200. It includes diagnosis of chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea ….”

“Okay. I want this package.” I interrupted him before he explained what I exactly knew what I want.

“Alright then. I will go and get ready.”

He stood up and moved to the cabinet to retrieve a sterilized needle and syringe in preparation for blood extraction.

“Why do you want to check?” He asked, trying to make a conversation to ease my nerves down.

“Just want to be safe and sure about my health.” I answered with pride.

“Ya.. it’s better to check it. You know you young fellows love to screw around a lot.” He looked at me. I could sense the humor but all I could do was to smile back politely. “ Not only guys love to screw around. Even nowadays girls also go screw around with different guys.” I gaped at him. Did he just say what I thought he said?

“Most of the girls now are not satisfied with their boyfriends. They have needs and they go and seek other guys to fulfill it.” He continued talking about this as if it is the most common conversation between a stranger patient and a doctor. He didn’t realize how awkward it had become when the nurses walking around us as he was exuberantly talking about sex. My face turned scarlet red. I couldn’t bare the thought of joyfully talking about sex with this old doctor as much as I love to talk about sex. And I couldn’t bare the thought that this old doctor was so happy to talk about sex in front of his patient. I just can’t. He didn’t to be bothered by the whole situation, he poked the needle into my vein and continued talking.

“Many of them now want a bigger penis. Size matters for them now. Big dick can make them high. But big dick is not enough still, they want guys who are good in bed, longer lasting, so that they can keep their own orgasm going on and on. They want hours and hours of orgasm. Not a pencil dick with low stamina. Hmmm. Naughty girls heh? Especially black guy, big and juicy, can keep on fuck and fuck and fuck non-stop. That’s what the girls want nowadays. That’s why I always see chinese girl with black boyfriend coming in to the clinic. They want guys that great in bed. Sex life is never boring, Son. That’s sex life.”

I think I had just gone expired. I was flabbergasted and left speechless by his VERY open-minded thought of female. I did not know what to say but I could only do was to give some occasional fake laugh. The nurses, who were walking around the room putting down notes and stuff on his desk while he talked animatedly about orgasms, seemed to be oblivious to what the conversation was about, even if they did they pretended to be dumb. Or they could have played so stupid well for not knowing what orgasms is – they might as well get an Oscar for best acting role.

“Doctor, do you want his urine?” A nurse interrupted him. Thank goodness, I had been saved. Or else he would have continued on giving me a lecture about the climax of big dicks and orgasms. Or later on he would have shown me his gigantic anatomy to me.

“Yes. I need this young man’s urine. Off you go, Son.”

“T-Thanks.” I scurried off to the toilet to fill up the small bottle with my urine.

Jesus. That was the most awkward consultation I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was totally peculiar haha.


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Unsuccessful Trips


Dear Zach,

I had planned a few trips for myself going on vacation in different places before my internship started. The most nearest place of all was Penang – I certainly did mention about backpacking to Penang alone few months ago. Unfortunately, I did not make it. Because when there comes the financial planning, it was totally out of my designated budget – I would have to spend more than I had ever intended to. Since I was still a student and my financial status had not been established well enough, I’ve had to cancel the plan and move on. It is not a great idea to be spending more than RM500 to be travelling just for the sake of enjoying the idea of backpacking. It is an expensive notion but .. nah .. I’m not gonna do it til I establish my foundation. Besides, I am still holding some grudge against everything about Penang – I secretly hate everything from Penang. 

I feel a little bit envious seeing my college mates always on-to-go. The idea for them is to live young while they can – work hard, play hard. The idea sounds tempting and motivating for them; for me this idea is just plain dumb. I don’t believe in that. How hard are you going to play? How young are you going to stay?

Right now, my main priority is to get a decent proper job with proper income. I think I will gonna have to spend my entire twenties working my ass off for a better life that I envision it to be.

Monday, October 6, 2014

16 Personality Test


Dear Zach,

I had stumbled upon a blog and found out this page about personality test. I have done multiple types of personality test and I could say most of it are partially accurate. Having that being said, this page I found is so much precise and 100% accurate as if it’s formulated to read you or something. This page is called . You guys should give it try to see what it says about your personality.

As for mine, I have the rarest type amongst of all 16 personality. I couldn’t help but secretly celebrated inside that I am the rarest type of person in the universe. My personality is INFJ – I’d no idea what the hell it stands for.


Here’s a short summary copied from the page about this type of personality.

The INFJ personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. As Diplomats (NF), they have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is the accompanying Judging (J) trait – INFJs are not idle dreamers, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. INFJs take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days.

And there are many more explanatories about your personality as such how strength and weakness, romantic relationship, friendship, workplace, etc to be able to shape you as who you are. Of course, the most importantly I fast-forwarded to romantic relationship to check out what it says about it.

When it comes to romantic relationships, INFJs take the process of finding a partner seriously. Not ones for casual encounters, people with the INFJ personality type instead look for depth and meaning in their relationships. INFJs will take the time necessary to find someone they truly connect with – once they’ve found that someone, their relationships will reach a level of depth and sincerity that most people can only dream of.

Getting to that point can sometimes be a challenge for potential partners, especially if they are the impatient type, as INFJs are often perfectionistic and picky. People with this personality type aren’t easily talked into something they don’t want, and if someone doesn’t pick up on that, it’s a trespass that is unlikely to be forgiven, particularly in the early stages of dating. Even worse is if a suitor tries to resort to manipulation or lying, as INFJs will see right through it, and if there’s anything they have a poor tolerance for in a relationship, it is inauthenticity.

INFJs will go out of their way to seek out people who share their desire for authenticity, and out of their way to avoid those who don’t, especially when looking for a partner. All that being said, INFJs often have the advantage of desirability – they are warm, friendly, caring and insightful, seeing past facades and the obvious to understand others’ thoughts and emotions.

INFJs are enthusiastic in their relationships, and there is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. INFJs aren’t afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally, creating a depth to the relationship that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with INFJs are not for the uncommitted or the shallow.

When it comes to intimacy, INFJs look for a connection that goes beyond the physical, embracing the emotional and even spiritual connection they have with their partner. People with the INFJ personality type are passionate partners, and see intimacy as a way to express their love and to make their partners happy. INFJs cherish not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person, in mind, body and soul.

Frankly, I didn’t have to speak for myself and they had done the deed for me so good I did not expect that my future life that being visualized for so long in my head had been spoken out. I thought I am the weirdest person of all for not wanting a commitment and always want to be alone for all the time. Simply because I still have not found the right one yet to be spending the rest of my lives with. Relationships with me are not for shallow.

Can’t wait to hear the feedbacks from y’all.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Gay Blogosphere Is Dying Down


Dear Zach,

It seems to me the trend of blogging is starting to die down. Well, it had been died down ever since I started blogging in few years back. I can see a lot of people blogging about Travels/Food/Fashion in a way so that they would be able to shoot to fame. While blogs with personal thoughts and journey had never been so much popularized. Not to mention anonymous gay blogs who put up their thought about breakup and heartbreak in three or five separated posts, in which it makes people feeling much sadder reading it when them themselves already have so much in mind to stress about.

There are a few fellow bloggers who had once wrote me an email saying I was their inspiration to them to start a blog. I was stoked the fact that my writing could inspire people to write down about their struggles with lives in a public page where everyone can view. Of course, with no doubt I constantly check on them for updates, only to have four or five posts at most for the week itself, then they had gone AWOL for weeks, months, and years. No new posts. No nothing. I was kind of disappointed by the reality. Maybe my inspiration had reached its toll in an effort of inspiring them, I couldn’t blame them for not being able to blog consistently in life. So much for the inspiration.

Since I quit playing Facebook, I tend to focus more on blogging than anything else. I am always on constant checker of new post from bloggers I followed, and leaving comments if necessary. Even for the regulars blogger they seem to have gone missing for months already. The posts by them getting lesser by months until none. Just sad to know there is not much of gay blogs floating around these days.

Don’t worry. I won’t be gone AWOL like the others.


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Muddy Road


Dear Zach,

Walking up the muddy uphill, one step at a time, with a pink umbrella holding on my right, cautiously attempting to walk on the rocky path where my foot doesn’t sink into the moisture sand that caused by the heavy rain.



Trying my best as I could to be finding dried pavement to be able to step foot on and continue walking, as if I was hopping one rock to another on the rock across the river, attempting not to fall off into the river.   

Walking. Continued walking up. Not giving up for finding ways to get my shoes dried before reaching the top.

Only few steps more.

I continued walking. Walking as if there’s a goal ahead of me to be reached.

I reached the top. I looked down at my shoes, though it stained with bits of mud, it was dry.

I gave out a satisfying exhale, am pleased with my achievement.

Life is full of obstacles. No matter how muddy your road is, somehow you would have to take risks to move forward with right way.


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

How could I even smile now?


Dear Zach,

Having a smile on your face makes you approachable and friendlier. It’s true.

But I’ve hardly done it. It’s just too tiring to work out the edge of my lips to be curving upward, pretending I am more than fine when I was having a bad day.

I never pretended to be happy. I set my mouth in grim line when I am upset; I am happy when I feel happy. Too much smiling people may start to think you are such a phony. Because no one in the right mind would constantly smiling in facing whatever ahead of him. Maybe there is.

I want to smile. But I couldn’t with everything stressed up and the work I hated so much.

I couldn’t smile – with the news about petrol price increased another 20 cents. Which is fucking absurd.

I couldn’t smile because the rich will get richer; the poor will get poorer.

I couldn’t smile because I will have a very bad year next year as predicted by the lady temple.

With all those negativities stuffing inside my throat, I am lucky enough not to be suffocated by that. How could I even smile now?

Monday, September 29, 2014

Home Of Loves


Dear Zach,

Teardrops had stopped pouring down endlessly from the sky.

I sitting in front of my desk with the white screen of my laptop greeting me with warm welcome, urging me to write this down.

I contemplate about anything. Laying back, listening to the sound of my dad talking with my mum, chuckling about losing the lottery, my mum endless complains about his bad hearing hysterically, funnily enough my innocent good-heartedly dad had never complained about being complaint by his own wife. This is so normal in my home. And it feels home.

I love how normal our lives are. It wasn’t perfect in anyway, but it is still home to me – a place where I can find comfort and, most importantly, loves.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Shitty-days Syndrome


Dear Zach,

Work has been deliberately dreadful. I’ve had survived 4 weeks of dreadfulness and I cringe to think of enduring the remaining 12 weeks of shitty days. When you have a shitty day, you would not be surprised how shittier your day would have turned out. This shitty-days syndrome is persisting since the day I started my internship in this company. It was so happening throughout the 4 weeks and I couldn’t get a breather out of that. My acne-prone face is being a bitch lately, after so many injection for reduction of swelling, there goes a new one popping up out of nowhere. I’m sick of it. Really tiring to be holding up to be a tough man. Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on a path to wonderful things that will ever happen to us.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

What would you do to forget someone you had almost fallen in love with?


Dear Zach,

What would you do to forget someone you had almost fallen in love with?

It ain’t easy to scrap everything about him off your mind. But there’s something you could do to suppress the true feeling, slowly ebb away as the time goes by.

I would delete his phone number – removed every means of his communication from my phone so that I would not have the temptation to make a call. Even though he does not realize it, I could not be bothered either. This is the only way you would not have to bring up the sadness whenever you come across his number on your phone. I did. Very effectively. If he doesn’t have the courtesy to call you as he promised, he is not a keeper at all.

Next move is the drastic one – block him on Facebook. If he by any chance ask you why he couldn’t view your profile or why you block him, the best excuse is: “Oh. I had stopped playing Facebook already.” Which deep down in your heart, is totally untrue. You think he does not even bother if you did this. So why should you even care if he does not even care?

Last one – pretend that you did not know him when you happen to pass by him in a shopping mall. It the best way to show him in his face that his is a stranger to you. If he approaches you, then it’s time to bring on your act worthy of Oscar nominees, acting surprise which you are not, and say “Oh! Hi. I did not know that was you.” which you did know but you couldn’t care less.

Everything I wrote is bitchy-mean. Well, they are the ways for me to forget what it should be forgetting. What’s yours?


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Drown In It


Dear Zach,

Dark grey clouds were covering all over the blue sky. It was threaten to have a heavy downpour. I woke up to a feeling of heavy and can’t help but feeling a tiny bit sentimental. Every day I wake up to a same routine that I will have to get used to somehow – work, gym, and sleep. I am surprised of the pace of time passing by so quickly. One moment Sunday had gone, the next Sunday is here. It was like I had lost in time. I couldn’t remember clearly what I did in between. Maybe it’s the boring stuffs I tend to forget.

Whenever I came back home from work, I wanted to pick up my phone and tell somebody about how terribly bad my day has turned out. I halted – looking aimlessly at the bright screen shimmering back at me, challenging me to call someone. I frustratingly slammed down my phone, knowing the fact that I have no one real close to talk to. Even if I have they are far away from where I am now. Or they could have forgotten about me. I dismissed the idea real quick before it gets to me.

I know this is not the time to be buddy-buddy with everyone. In fact, it’s time to show what you are capable of. If people absent during my struggle, so I don’t expect myself acknowledge them when I success.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Dream To Be Made Of


Dear Zach,

2014-09-11 03.52.42

To be a better person is never going to be simple. It’s easier said than done. But when comes to execution, it’s 10 times harder than u think. U would encounter different obstacles u would never have imagined. Sometimes you just wanna be normal and remained in your own comfort zone, not succumbed to changes. But I believe that when u have your dream to be pursued, you would forge thru whatever in front of you to get what you wanted the most. It’s a tiring process – life is tiring and exciting. But when you have your goal set, life would be much livid than ever. Time will prove my hardwork and dedication to people out there that I am hundredth times more than just a pretty face.


Sunday, September 7, 2014

One-Time Policy


Dear Zach,

A rhetorical question I have always been asked, especially when I recuperated from sex.

“You had never been in a relationship?”

“Never.” I closed my eyes, having zero intention of dwelling in further more.

And expectedly followed by the Why.

Most of the time I’d just simply give a common answer that everyone who is still single says: “ …still finding the right one ..”

In actuality, it is way more than still finding the right one. I just don’t want to answer to it in detail for that matter. I feel really uncomfortable to have a deep talk about such thing with strangers I have spent time in bed.

I had once hung out with a decent guy I had shagged with. I felt self-conscious and unease. The first time was cool; The second time was way awkward talking about relationship given the fact he was attached after our sexual encounter. After that, I did not keep in touch with him at all. And I intend to cut him out from my life either. It is weird. I was attracted to him physically and wanted him for his flesh at the first place – not his emotions.

I never really hung out with guys I had shagged with. Never. I practice one-time policy and it has always been that way. It is really awkward for me to have spending time with a stranger who has implicitly explored the wondrous anatomy of mine. It is better off having one-time-thing and goes separate ways after that. I never believed the version of theirs’ keeping in touch. Not a single fucking word. Only phony does that - apparently they are. I never keep in touch with them even though I was given their number – after few days I removed their number without hesitation. Because I can and apparently we won’t ever keep in touch as we said.


Saturday, September 6, 2014

Of Internship


Dear Zach,

Hey all! I am still alive and living dreadfully through the day of working life. Internship had started two weeks ago and I have found myself disliking my job by each day. I was done complaining about it in front of my parents and I guess I should take it easy as I can be. As the matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here after 3 months and doing such thing for future sake.

Each day after work, I hit the gym no matter how tired I am. After having my dinner, I straight away crashed into my bed. I didn’t even have time to be spending online. Having started working life as if starting anew of my life. I see things differently and have different opinions of my own. And I have spent time thinking a lot about my career if I wanna do such job for the rest of my life. I already have my dream career in mind but I am not going to share it here yet. I just wanna clear off my mind and really think about it whether this dream career of mine is really worth pursuing.

On the unrelated note, I have literally no intention of playing Facebook anymore. I have removed all the pictures and newsfeed in my profile. So you wouldn’t be able to see me there and I will not add anymore friend.

Til then.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

My Smiling Manifesto


Dear Zach,

Recently I’ve read a book and stumbled across about this girl was in need of happiness to overcome her years of depression. In order to do so, she came up with a happiness manifesto pinned at the back of her bedroom, to keep herself happy all the time. This idea has struck me thinking that I should have this in my life – doing things that keep myself happily contained. The manifesto consists of ten tasks that needed to be completed daily. Failure to comply will result in your own designated consequence. Here’s my Smiling Manifesto:

Ten Daily Tasks

1. Count Your Blessing – before bed you have to think of things from the day that were good and that you are grateful for.

2. Have a face-to-face conversation with somebody – you need to leave the house and go outside and find somebody to have it done.

3. Give yourself a treat – could be anything that pleasures you.

4. Laugh – a must-do.

5. Exercise – this can say no more.

6. Smile or say hello to a stranger (has to be a different person to number 2.)

7. Do a kind deed – either helping someone or going out of your way to be nice to someone.

8. Spend no more than two hours of laptop a day.

9. Put your phone away – pick up when there is an absolute necessity.

10. Keep smiling – no matter how terribly thing has gone out, just face it with a smile. A weak smile will do.


Failure to comply will be subjected to these consequences:

1. No facebook. No instagram.

(there are subjected to change.)

Friday, August 22, 2014

Break Free


Dear Zach,

2014-08-22 12.39.40

It was after lunch time when I walked into the usual café, with the reminisces of old time atmosphere welcoming me, that easily become one of my favorite alone-time place. The lunch time was over, so only a few tables have been occupied.

I chose my favorite table at the back of the café and placed my order, expecting someone to walked in. Not long after, he came out behind of me, holding a coffee, and sat down opposite of me in a small cozy table. Steve has his signature hair style which I am always tempted to touch but not in public. He curved up his soft lips with a warm smile and I couldn’t wait to tell him about my everything. He’s the first normal guy I could have a normal conversation with – telling him everything without holding back.

It was the third time I have met him. I fancy him really much but not in butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of way. He’s sensitive, sincere, smart, insightful, and successful. He’s the only person I would only confide to. He’s always given so much of insights about his life and relationship which I tend to struggle with mine. I always learn from his advices - very insightful and useful and it seems that my life somehow is synchronized with his, having where we both were put into a similar kind of situation. He had been through 10 years of life – he knows exactly how life goes on. His wisdom has never ceased to amaze me as if he read my mine. He knows exactly how to comfort me with good choice of words and life example he had learnt from the past. I believe in him and him in me. I never doubted him.

I couldn’t be more happier that I was able to meet him today. Telling him everything I have been struggling along with my life. In return, I’ve got what I needed from him. It’s very comforting, convincing, and loving. I felt the weight on my shoulder had been lift up. For the first time in my life, my lips curved its way up naturally.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014



Dear Zach,

I looked into the mirror, seeing myself in the reflection, I uttered one word: Why?

Why do I have to pretend someone that I am not when I can be someone that I want to be?

Why had great things never ever happened to me?

Why do I have to be so kind blessing someone I care about when I knew he’s with someone else?

I wanted to throw my fist to the mirror as if hitting myself back. Is it what it is? Am I incapable of loving? What do I know about heartbreaking when I am incapable of loving?

The void in my heart is prickling each time I remind myself that.

Closing the door shut, and clamber into my bed holding close to myself, and holding back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat, telling myself “I am closing myself up. No emotions. No love. It’s heartbreaking even though I can’t afford to love.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Post-Getaway Outcome: Goal Setting


Dear Zach,

It had been five days since I came back from the unpleasant getaway. My depressive feeling has ebbed away which I feel refreshing and my mind is clear. During the entire trip, I wasn’t thinking about how my life should have worked out – I enjoyed whatever it had to offer there. I spent a lot on clothes and walked around like what a tourist should have been. It wasn’t considered remotely a great trip, but I still enjoyed it. The cultures, the poverty, and the life people living there had me feeling appreciative of what I have now. I shouldn’t be complaining about lacking thereof.

Coming back from the trip, I didn’t think much about my life either. But there’s one thing I am most certain about is that my goal has been set. Deep down in my heart, I know how hard it will be to achieve this goal. I can’t put my thoughts into word but I have a rough idea of what I want in 10 years time. There will be obstacles and challenges I will have to encounter. One of the obstacles is the completion of my internship which will be begun next week. 16 weeks of internship seems long enough to me and I am not really looking forward to it. Frankly, I am not into that job scope at all. Just for the sake of finishing a part of my course, I will just have to endure the dreadful weeks to come.

My goal is my driving force to propel forward. To be able to get something I’ve always wanted has never ceased to fail, but this time I won’t let it happen again. My history is about to change. If I put my faith on it, I believe it will change for my benefits.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Overly Concern


Dear Zach,

Being overly concerned about someone you really care about makes you even more worried.

I tried calling if he’s fine. But third time’s not the charm.

I should stop caring about someone who doesn’t even know I care so much about.

I did what I could as a friend.

Til then.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Heart And Flowers


Dear Zach,

I was sitting in the airport lounge last night awaiting for check-in to the custom, I saw a 50-over year Caucasian old man holding a bouquet of roses behind of his back, expectantly and patiently waiting for somebody at the lounge. Everyone in the lounge turned their heads toward the old man with interest, guessing who’s the lucky person to be receiving such romantic gesture. I waited and waited for 10 minutes, he was still standing there, holding the roses behind his back. I was losing my patience thinking who would it be? His daughter? His wife? Or his affair?

Not long after, he was waving at the crowds who were coming out to the lounge. A very little cute girl running toward him and he kneeled down to receive her cheerful bubbly hug what it seemed to be a long lost family who had never seen each other for 10 years. Walking behind the little girl was a seemingly late-30s year old plum thai lady, pushing trolley filled with two giant sized of luggage toward the old man. The old man raised up and surprised her with a bouquet of roses, and move forward to his wife showering with kisses. It was such a heart-warming scenario everyone in the room seemed to be moved by the scene.

My heart swells from the romantic gesture. It was such a rarity that I could witness such beautiful moment. Heart and flowers are rare cases nowadays. Everyone seems to have forgotten the old fashioned way of loving someone. Sometimes giving heart and flowers on a non-special day is one of the way of showing how much you love and meant for them. It’s not a must but an act of kindness to someone important to you. I am a sucker for romance. I still firmly believe old-fashioned love could build a profound foundation of a relationship. 


© Dear Zach
Maira Gall