Monday, October 13, 2014

Most Hilariously Awkward Consultation With Doctor


Dear Zach,

I pushed the door open and walked into the clinic, and was welcomed with the familiar chilly antiseptic-filled air blown across my face. I looked around noticing only a few patients waiting to be consulted. I walked to the counter for registration. A Filipino lady, who is in her midst-thirty, was interrupted by me before she could speak.

“Hi. Does this clinic provide full-body checkup?” Knowing damn well my sole intention was nothing other than full-body checkup. I just did not want to jump to the point by blurting out loud about my intention of coming here.

“Oh. Yes. We do. It includes everything – it costs around 100 bucks or so.” She said. I really do hope she continue on explaining the everything; but she did not. She was looking at me expectantly, cueing me for further enquiry so that she can bring me to the doctor and ask him himself.

I mustered my courage for my following query, embarrassed or not, I just have to do this. I moved closer to the small hole in glass wall in between us, trying to low down my voice as low as humanly possible for not wanting other patient in the room to find out what I am about to do.

“Do you do STD and HIV test?” I whispered.

She looked at me for a brief moment. Her face gave nothing away. I was wondering if she heard what I just said or pretended to have heard what I just said but trying hard not to acknowledge it. Split second later, she spoke.

“Yes. We do test for STD.”

“What about HIV?” I was so nervous I blurted it out something sounded like X-ray.

“No. We don’t provide X-ray service. If you want we can write u a letter to the hospital.” And then she heard it X-ray.

“No! Not X-ray. It’s HIV.” I whispered loudly. Too loudly. I was trying my best to whisper a low as possible. But it was an epic failure. My face turned scarlet.

“Yes. We do too.” She nodded. “Do you want to consult doctor?”

I hesitated for a while. Since I was here, why not just get the deed done. I agreed and walked to the benches, and slumped my tiring body from work on it. I waited patiently for my turn to call.

As half an hour had gone, I started to feel aggravated and hungry. The two prostitutes, who were so pale that I thought they had dipped into a tank of white paint or something, sitting beside me talking in their own dialect very loudly. My head was throbbing and I felt frustrated that I wanna drive my fist through the glass wall and punch nurses.

5 minutes after, my name was called and I entered the room to find a midst-55th year old Sikh doctor, with a turban on his head and long-white beard, waiting for me.

“So, what’s wrong?” He turned to me.

“I want to do STD and HIV checkup.” I said matter-of-factly.

“What?” I don’t blame him for bad hearing at this age of his.

“I want to do blood test for STD and HIV.” I repeated patiently.

“Oh I see. Okay. okay. Well, there’s a few packages. Which one do you want to do? There’s the cheapest one - RM80”

“What’s the cheapest one consists of?” I was flabbergasted by the fact that there’s a cheapest checkup for this.

“Hmmm.. HIV and two STD diagnosis.”

“That’s it?! What about the expensive one?”

“That costs RM200. It includes diagnosis of chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea ….”

“Okay. I want this package.” I interrupted him before he explained what I exactly knew what I want.

“Alright then. I will go and get ready.”

He stood up and moved to the cabinet to retrieve a sterilized needle and syringe in preparation for blood extraction.

“Why do you want to check?” He asked, trying to make a conversation to ease my nerves down.

“Just want to be safe and sure about my health.” I answered with pride.

“Ya.. it’s better to check it. You know you young fellows love to screw around a lot.” He looked at me. I could sense the humor but all I could do was to smile back politely. “ Not only guys love to screw around. Even nowadays girls also go screw around with different guys.” I gaped at him. Did he just say what I thought he said?

“Most of the girls now are not satisfied with their boyfriends. They have needs and they go and seek other guys to fulfill it.” He continued talking about this as if it is the most common conversation between a stranger patient and a doctor. He didn’t realize how awkward it had become when the nurses walking around us as he was exuberantly talking about sex. My face turned scarlet red. I couldn’t bare the thought of joyfully talking about sex with this old doctor as much as I love to talk about sex. And I couldn’t bare the thought that this old doctor was so happy to talk about sex in front of his patient. I just can’t. He didn’t to be bothered by the whole situation, he poked the needle into my vein and continued talking.

“Many of them now want a bigger penis. Size matters for them now. Big dick can make them high. But big dick is not enough still, they want guys who are good in bed, longer lasting, so that they can keep their own orgasm going on and on. They want hours and hours of orgasm. Not a pencil dick with low stamina. Hmmm. Naughty girls heh? Especially black guy, big and juicy, can keep on fuck and fuck and fuck non-stop. That’s what the girls want nowadays. That’s why I always see chinese girl with black boyfriend coming in to the clinic. They want guys that great in bed. Sex life is never boring, Son. That’s sex life.”

I think I had just gone expired. I was flabbergasted and left speechless by his VERY open-minded thought of female. I did not know what to say but I could only do was to give some occasional fake laugh. The nurses, who were walking around the room putting down notes and stuff on his desk while he talked animatedly about orgasms, seemed to be oblivious to what the conversation was about, even if they did they pretended to be dumb. Or they could have played so stupid well for not knowing what orgasms is – they might as well get an Oscar for best acting role.

“Doctor, do you want his urine?” A nurse interrupted him. Thank goodness, I had been saved. Or else he would have continued on giving me a lecture about the climax of big dicks and orgasms. Or later on he would have shown me his gigantic anatomy to me.

“Yes. I need this young man’s urine. Off you go, Son.”

“T-Thanks.” I scurried off to the toilet to fill up the small bottle with my urine.

Jesus. That was the most awkward consultation I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was totally peculiar haha.



  1. Replies
    1. indeed it was so funny.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Maybe you look too nervous and the doctor just feel like these conversations may ease you a bit, but instead they were too overwhelming for you...Haha

    But I can relate the awkwardness, half year ago I went to check up and right after I said I want to do a HIV and STD screening, my face turned bright red, I just felt so embarrassed! ><

    1. i was nervous about the needle poking into my vein.
      Ya. sometimes we do feel a little embarrassing to mention such checkup to the nurses.

  4. this is still ok, the one i went to the doctor was asking me about why i want to do the test and keep poking around until i told him that i was having sex with "prostitutes" ! lol.. i lied la but what the fuck should i say?! hahaha.. im not really that brave to admit it then.. i was about 18 then i guess. lol.. went with my bestie. i had inner sweat that day like i was so nervous to answer.. lol

    in UK, there are STD clinics that would do it for free, that would counsel you on how to have sex safely and even provide condoms for free, they even have sizes for asians and x-large for black ones etc. any type of condoms you want they will give. :) results will be sent by text. they even offer free hep-b vaccination or a booster shot if you had it before! :) i really hope that they will have it here in malaysia in the future la!

    anyway, i just had my results back yesterday and i am all good!! hopefully you too! muacks!

    1. Good to know u are okay. Hoping I am good too .

    2. In Malaysia you can consider to take the hiv screening test with PT Foundation. You just pay a minimum charge and its an anonymous test.

    3. screening for HIV isn't enough though. STD plays a part whereby it could be as serious as having HIV.
      I'd rather pay a sum to check for everything there is to know about it.

    4. Screening is just a preliminary step to check whether it is necessary to carry out a full test. One should carry out screening tests as frequent as one thinks one needs to take but a full test should be taken once a year or once in two years.

    5. PT testing sux btw. 70rm for HIV and syphylis. i rather .....(insert action)...... lol


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