Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Not Happy

Dear Zach,

I am not happy with my job. In fact, I never felt happy at all. I didn't look forward to work. That's the bad sign. I had no idea what I was doing in work. That's the worst. I have been working for 4 months. I dare to say that I didn't like it then; I very much didn't like it now. I got through probation of 3 months instead of 6. It didn't take long for me to get confirmed because I was very capable of working. But I'm not liking it. I didn't really get along with my co-workers. Partly because I refuse to open my mouth to talk, in which case, it's my intention all along since day one. But mainly because I didn't get along with one of the co-workers who tried to be a bitch to me. She dislikes me a bit because I was a bitch to her too for valid reason. I could feel the tension between us, but I don't really care. My sole purpose is to work for living; Not buddy-buddy with them. That's what I'm telling myself whole time. I wish to transfer to other department. But I feel bad of doing it for the sake of kindness. I just got confirmed not long ago. It would make me a traitor for doing such transition. I guess I will have to be tolerant at such moment for that matter. 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

5 Minutes To Midnight To Be Grateful

Dear Zach,

I'd like to take this 5 minutes of this time, before reaching the brand new day, to tell myself how grateful I am to have my mum and dad, who are sleeping in their bed now, to be much alive than they aged. More alive than I am. I am truly grateful to be given a chance to work, sleep, and eat. I am very grateful to be given a sheer luxury that people don't belong to; people don't really own. Not that I am rich. I'm a mundane person who get to live a normal life like what a normal people do. I am utterly grateful to have a good health that some people lose. I am thankful for God for giving me a second chance to live another day again. 

Feeling gratitude here.  

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

That Time I Nearly Died Of HIV

Dear Zach,

This incident happened one month ago when I was still dating Chris. It was a Sunday afternoon, where we were in a hawker shop, having our late lunch. At that time, I let down my barrier a little to share some story of my flings - since he was so into getting to know about me, especially my sex life. I don't bother to hide either. I told them whom I slept with. And then he told me about his exes - the story of heartbreak and dramatic incident. He told me his exes were so dramatic to the extent that you could imagine a guy would jump out of window just because he broke up with him, trying to cut his own wrist to end his life, ended up having two scars marked on his wrist. I seriously doubted what he said. Then he told me about his non-dramatic breakups - four out of eight, they cheated on him by falling for someone else. I didn't get it then; I'm clearly I got it now. 

He told me about this one ex of his, who is diagnosed with HIV positive, cheated on him multiple times - mere time he found out from his friend that his ex blowing someone in the gym sauna. But he didn't leave him then, still care for him, paid for his medical expenses. I felt sorry for him then; I felt stupid for him now. Until one point, his ex had sex with a fellow one night. Somehow he found out, and forced him to confess to the guy he slept with, that he's a HIV carrier. He said if he didn't confess to that guy now, he would tell the whole world about him. He did anyway. The confession. 

Then we talked about playing safe sex and stuff. I told him I had sex with this doctor one time last year, there was some occasions he tried to penetrate me unprotectedly, but I refused to let him. I spilled out the name of this doctor, he realized that there's a doctor who has the same name is a HIV positive carrier, who is having it for 10 years. I don't believe the coincidence.

The next morning, this thing irked me for the whole night, I quickly snapshot a pic of the doctor and send to him. Minutes later, he confirmed my worst fear. At the moment, my whole world crumbled and stop. I excused myself from work, and called and told him the truth. I was so assured that I didn't fuck with him raw. This was my safest bet. But still. It irked me throughout the whole morning. I applied for emergency leave and went to the pharmacies around my place to get the HIV Rapid Test kits. After an extensive search to no avail, I stopped my car at one side of the road, feeling so emotional and frustrated, I hammered my fist on the steering so hard, and yelling like no one else in the world. 

After much contemplation, I came across a blogger's blog saying about this HIV Rapid test kits thing he used. So I quickly texted him and, thank god, he told me that he would get one for me. Later that night, we met up and carried out the blood test in his car. We waited for 10 minutes for the result to show. It was my most longest and dreadful 10 minutes ever. While waiting for the result to show, I told him about the incident. And he reassured me that everything will be fine since I didn't have bareback sex with the doctor. I can't make myself to believe a single word. My mind was numb and couldn't react to whatever he said. Without realizing it was already 15 minutes, I looked down at the test kits, it showed one band - negative result. I let out a huge breath and my mind came back to life. 

I had sex with the doctor in last November, so within  the three months window period, if I were to have it I would have symptoms by then. And it's already 3 months since, so the result is pretty much accurate. 

Oh Lord! I am so thankful for the whole new chance given to me! 


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Being A Bad Top

Dear Zach,

I'm officially declaring myself as pure bottom. I tried being top for several times but the moment I put on the condom, it starting to go from rock hard to semi-hard. It was very frustrating that it embarrassed me when I tried to please a bottom, especially the bottom was expecting me to give a good ramp to his ass. And when I did enter fully with my full hardon, I came sooner than I expected. And it was very embarrassing. I made an lame excuse saying I was tired from workout. It stresses me out because I thought I could be versatile. I wanted to dominate in being a top but this thing is stressing me out, especially during sex when I tried to enter into the bottom. To all the tops out there, is there any way to remain rock-hard and long-lasting throughout the fornication? I'm really a bad top here. 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

No Sex Do

Dear Zach,

I felt liberated after I ended things between us on Monday. It was like a weight lifted off my chest after being there for so long. And thank goodness, we didn't have sex after seeing each other for a month. He said we should wait til we were both ready or, put it this way, in love so that our sex would be meaningful. We did some foreplay at his place. But sex was off limit. And I wasn't really into having sex with him either. He self-proclaimed that he was a good top. But I don't really buy it - partly because he has a dick with the size of my middle finger when it was fully erected. I'm not complaining about his relatively small dick, I just don't really believe what he said. I'm so glad thing was over between us. Truth be told, for the past 3 days, my mind wasn't really thinking about him at all. Funny thing was that last night I had a dream about having sex with him. And it bothered me for the whole morning because I didn't want to have sex with him, be it, in real life or dream. No, I don't miss him. At all. Sometimes I wonder if God is testing, and making fun of, me.  


Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Miss Moving On

Dear Zach,

It's been a mentally exhausting month. Dating is exhausting. We ended thing yesterday over whatsapp text as he didn't offer to meet up to talk nor make a call to make thing up. He just sent me a few meaningless text which didn't even make thing better between us. I've had enough of his indifference and I lashed out on him over text since he doesn't have the gut to face me in real. Throughout the argument in text, he didn't even bother to make a call. I can't believe it! This showed that how insensitive and indifference he is toward our relationship. I told him that I was very disappointed in his action of behavior, and he's no different from other men I met. We met barely a month and I felt that I was just a company of his. He had 8 relationships in the past and I can't blame him for being so careless to us. I felt that he has grown tired of getting to know someone, especially me. I told him that right into his face. 

"I don't know what you want now. If you are not ready for a relationship as I do, then don't waste my time."

"I never wanted to have a relationship in such short period of time."

"Neither do I!" 

"Let's do friendship then."

"Friendship? We should have been that way from the start before you smooched me on the third day we met!" 

"It's never too late to have this friendship."

"I'm not sure if we can be that way anymore. I am very disappointed in you, Chris."

That's it. To be frank, I wasn't feeling myself when I was with him. It was all pretense. I'm glad it's over and I can find somebody else better. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

My Dating Game

Dear Zach,

If you tell me dating game is about getting to know each other in a pre-mature stage of a starting relationship, I'd say it's true. But it didn't happen to me that way. It all began with touchy crotch-grabbing action, all they want is to get in my pants, and fuck my ass. I'm starting to feel like a whore. But I want something simple - a guy who gets to know me. Not a guy who wants me by his side when needed. I'm so sicked of this dating game. I had been single for so long, is it too much to ask for a real love?

© Dear Zach
Maira Gall