Sunday, October 16, 2016


Dear Zach, 

Today marked my second milestones of my life after my first milestone of obtaining my Bachelor degree: I am now a certified fitness personal trainer. I studied hard for the past two months during work knowing the fact that I would be admonished for doing it. I studied day and night. I was highly confident when I was facing in front the laptop, clicking away the answers in the screen, within 40 minutes, I completed and passed the exam. Everyone in the room congratulated me for scoring it. I spread my news on social media. And within hour I got many appraisal. 

I should be happy. But I feel empty now. Why? 


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

What's My Status?

Dear Zach,

There's plenty of things I wanna pour out right now. But I don't think this is the time to say it out loud. I'm fine with my job. But there's something more than that going on right now. 

I've ordered a packet of HIV test kits online on Monday and I received it today. I can't wait to test myself to know my status after my last raw sex. I know it's not even 3 months yet, but I just wanted to know. And Thank God. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Life Too Short

Dear Zach,

You left the world on 3rd of June. But I got to know it the next day from Instagram while I was at work, an inkwell picture of you and a guy together, obviously you both were having selfie by the angle of the camera showing. The picture gave me sense of emptiness - dull and faded. With the description below saying " ... hope you enjoy yourself on the other side .. " couldn't help to pry more info from the owner of the picture. 

Our first virtual exchange was in Instagram. We liked each other pictures. Soon, we found ourselves chatting over in chatbox, talking about hooking up. It was a long overdue meetup. After I left my job on October, we started hooking up for six weekends. You were a bottom; but I couldn't resist to hook up with you because of your ass. That were the times I enjoyed being top the most. I spend most of my weekend at your place, having sex, and playing PS4. We talked a lot about each other. I slept pretty well beside you; it was the only time I manage to sleep well in a stranger's bed. I always snuggled behind you, kissing your neck, and fall deeply asleep. You knew I love to eat. You always prepare some snack before I came to your place. You swallowed my cum and I loved that. You gave me the best blowjob I've ever had in my life: you kneel down in front of me and started doing your expert blow job skills while I was playing PS4 shooting away the bad guys. " focus on the game, let me focus on your dick." You were a very eloquent guy. You have your strong opinion of everything you believe in. And we both read a lot and that made us had something in common. 

As the week went by, I didn't come to your place quite often. You seemed to detached from me by ignoring my texts. At one point, I was fed up and couldn't be bothered by you anymore. 

You were diagnosed with leukemia on May. I heard that your condition got worsen by days. It was shocking as few months back I browsed your profile and came across of you having sex with a new guy. I didn't know what to say.     

It's not joking when someone said "life is too short to be unhappy". 

You left the world at the age of 32. And I'll always miss you. 


Wednesday, September 14, 2016


Dear Zach,

Few days ago, I came across a post in Facebook about one of my ex-classmates in University, who is from Sri Lanka, currently working in a science industry, that she recently got to publish herself an scientific journal. It's a big achievement for her to able to involve in scientific publishing. As a friend of hers, I was genuinely happy for her achievement. Even though it was a stepping stone for her to achieve something great in her own country, I couldn't be more proud to have known her as my ex-classmate. Her post has garnered more than hundred likes with thirty over heartfelt congratulatory comments. 

Another great friend of mine, who was also an ex-classmate of her and me, has becoming an interdependent entrepreneur himself. He had launched his own online tuition websites for the past years, learning and biding in Forex trading, and creating business relationship with foreign country through online IT business. He has published 3 scientific journals himself locally, got awarded for his mini innovation for his own project during Uni time, and was able to present his work in front of those influential people in local. I couldn't be more proud of his achievements so far. We would occasionally bump into each other in the gym I frequent to. And we would carry out our conversation with our recent happening. I told him about my jobs quitting and found my new calling in my career. We both have one thing in common that both of us will never gonna step foot into science field ever again. He has received positive feedback from Canada for his Master's. "Just fucking leave this hopeless place and start your life there." He chuckles as I told him. 

A few of my ex-classmates are doing well in their academic pursuit. I was asked if I were still interested in pursuing my Master's. "I scored bad CGPA I don't think further study would do me better in life." I've to admit that I'm doing no better than them: I was job-hopping. Figuring out my life. No achievement. Could barely feed myself. Of course, part of me was actually feeling extremely envious of them. When come to think of it again, it's part of life-cycle - you need to learn to fall in order to learn to get back up. I'm not sure how long I will be falling, but I'm pretty sure when there's right time, I'll get back up in no time.       

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Job And Me

Dear Zach,

My new job has been treating me fine. I couldn't have been grateful for doing something I am passionate about. I workout a lot. I workout in the morning at my usual old gym; In the afternoon, I am required to workout at my workplace. I have been warned - twice, indirectly - for not working out at the workplace. They thought I don't like to exercise. So I do weight-training in the morning, cardio in the afternoon. I put up this facade so they don't have the reason to warn me again. My manager has been very kind to me - the only requirement he wants me to do is to train myself hard enough to look extremely fit. I'm trying my best to be. I'm practically eating the same prepared meal, with complete portion of carbs and protein in low fat, every single day for my own diet. I wanna vomit when I see the same dishes everyday. It's tough but I believe it's worth it.

I have been reading less. The only day I'm off from work is wednesday. And it's the only day I could get my errands done and spend the remaining hours to study as much as I could for my PT development exam. Hence, I have not much time left for casual reading.

I have been trying my hardest to abstain from sex. I always get hard-on during work. And I masturbate at home after work.