Monday, December 11, 2017

I still get jealous

Dear Zach,

I am extremely jealous. I feel like my hand is shaking with huge load of emotion with mixture of anger and disappointment. I know I have no right to be jealous over something I should not be jealous at the first place. 

I refuse to kiss and tell. Somehow I can't help it to share my sexual escapades to my regular sex buddy. I am not sure what has gotten over me. 

One day, my fav regular sex buddy texted me since he was off that day. 

When I told him I was gonna fuck him again. 

"Again?" He replied.

"You afraid?" 

"Ya a bit. But its okay. I am here for you." 

"But you have to moan softer this time because my parents are sleeping next door. hehe." I replied.

After an hour, I looked into my phone and he said: "Go slow and easy should be fine. I met a guy last week he fucked me so hard til I bled. No one has ever fucked me til bled before that's why I scare."

I was so angry. Jealous. And extra jealous. I can't help it. 

I replied monotonously. He asked if I was sad or jealous. 

Thing was going well and we planned to meet up that night. Even if he came over, I wouldn't have the mood to fuck him anymore. 

I told him I was a bit tired and don't come too late. Seemingly he seemed unconcern about it, he said: "hmmm we can meet someday next time if you want."

Without further ado, I hit back "okay." 

I really hate putting so much emotion into sex. Knowingly it wouldn't bring much good to us. 

I was waiting for him last week but he found others instead. I am so disappointed as I shouldn't be. 

Monday, December 4, 2017

Reason Why I Don't Date

Dear Zach,

After nights of contemplating and thinking of the sole reason why I refuse to date or start a serious relationship, I have finally come to the terms to that. Or should I put it this way, the core reason for that.

I am financially unavailable. 

For those you may be thinking, "Dating or starting a relationship does not cost a penny." Let me break it down for you one by one. 

I live in a city with a salary just adequate for myself alone. I live with my parents. I drive my mum's car to work. I do not have to pay rent and no commitment issue. I am free for that. The expenses which include gas and teleservice are less than RM400. I extract a sum of my salary for my own saving and parent's allowance. All and all, this comes down to remaining RM1000. RM500 for my food allowance and another RM500 for emergency uses. My dad has paid off my PTPTN loan in which I am truly grateful for that. I am debt free and I couldn't ask for more. 

Typical dating cost averagely RM1000 per month. 

1. Movies - RM18-20 for movie tickets/ popcorns and shit RM15. So there goes RM30-40 per movie going. A month will cost RM160. 

2. Lunch and Dinner (assuming you date all day with your man) - fancy eat out costs RM15-25 per portion. RM12 for beverages. Total = 25 + 12 = RM37 per fucking meal. RM74 for 2 typical meals.

3. Hang out and chill at fancy cafe - A cup of coffee cost RM12. RM15 for large. RM9 for cakes. Total RM21 for just sitting and eating a fucking cakes. 

4. If he's working out at high end gym, you may be very likely workout with him at his gym - gym membership RM189 - RM200 per month. 

5. Miscellaneous - Minimum RM100-200 a gift to make each other happy. 

A month of typical dating as shown above would cost RM950 to or more than RM1200. You can calculate based on your frequency of dating. 

So, you can see how much it costs to spend for a date. Literally a date could drain you as much money from your wallet as it could. Unless he's rich, sadly I am not rich. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. That amount of money for a month can be used for so much occasion. Why would I want to spend for meaningless date whereby it will eventually lead to break up as commonly it will be? 

You probably think that he would surely understand my situation and he will pay for everything when we date. Clearly, one has a limit too! I can't expect him to pay for everything and not feeling guilty about it. Sooner or later, he would get fed up with me and call me as gold-digger. Typical gay guy loves to hang out at the mall. How much sex can we offer for a day if we were to stay home? Clearly, one of us would be bored of each other. 

They said "No matter what, you have to spend some money in dating.". This is why I don't date. Can't you see how much it cost? 

If both are attracted to each other just because of sex, why not just have sex and get it done? Sex is free and liberal. 

I choose sex over date. That's why. 

Sunday, December 3, 2017


Dear Zach,

I don't know why I am like this, I am getting more and more passive in terms of socializing. I hardly initiate a text to anyone lately. I found myself that I have no reason to do so. Because of that, I lost a lot of opportunities in meeting good lad. Because of that, I've pushed away the guy I loved.

It's okay. I am never worthy enough to be loved. I am never worthy enough for everyone.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

I Miss Missing You

Dear Zach,

There were times when I was thinking what I did wrong to deserve to be alone all the time. I was never loved by any man in my life. I loved him but he did not. Probably I was seeking for attention.

I was given advice that I should stop dabbling around having sex with random guys for good. Probably the stupidest shit I've ever heard. As if I stop doing that, the man you love will come to you sooner. I don't believe that. Some guy abstain himself for a years yet he's still single. Probably they should try harder enough to be single to get a guy.

Out of the blue tonight, I just missed him.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Sext Back

Dear Zach,

It is totally not surprising the fact that my phone was busy receiving incoming message mostly from hookups I met, those who I plan to meet, and those who I don't intend to meet. We chatted over hookup apps, getting to know the basic, and eventually came down to the sexual topic we both dying to know about. Thing was going on pretty well for a week. When the days gone by, it all boiled down to zero. Neither of us were bothered to text each other. It's either me waiting for him to text first or him waiting for my text. Some were even so irritating. For instance, I was under the weather for a week with flu and terrible cough, this guy I met two weeks ago was keeping up with my condition every day. First I thought, he was nice for concerning about me. Then it was not so nice. Every time by the end of the chat, he always kept assuming that I would be able to meet him up either that night itself or the night after. I was being polite to decline because I was not in the mood for sex due to my illness. He seemed to not understand. To one extent, I told him: "I want to meet you. But not now. You don't have to keep asking the same thing." It was blunt and honest. He texted me the next day again. I was reluctant to reply him back. The conversation ended half way. So last night, I tried texting him again, gauging his response. Well, he did not text back again. I understand. It is just sex. As I always said, if sex were to be removed from the equation, mostly we have nothing else better to offer. We are boiled down to the level of superficial. No surprise there, without sex, none of the relationship is working. Probably I should start a spring cleaning for my contact list. 
© Dear Zach
Maira Gall