What A Year

Dear Zach,

A year of self-discovery has come to the end. The highs and lows have gotten me to become wiser, stronger, and better. I've done things that shouldn't be done at the first place. I've gone against all odds to find my passions. It's not easy to take risk - it never was. It was all about taking chances. But it's all worth it. I've got to meet new people; I've got to know new people very well. The path of walking though the year was rocky. At times, I felt doubtful of my decision; feeling doubtful of myself. It was challenging given the fact that when life gives you curve ball, you would have to swallow your pride and take it. I've been through a lot. I've learned and seen things differently. I've grown from mistakes. And learn from them. If there's one thing I need to say before the clock hitting 12 tonight, I'd say: 

"I will never regret."  

Off Loading

Dear Zach,

I was preoccupied with works today. I was taught with loads of things before I could even absorb it. By the time I finished work, my mental state of mine was exhausted. I went to the gym as usual. I quicken my workout by doing supersets. By the time I was done, It was just less than an hour. I went to the sauna, and saw this malay hunk sitting inside. I saw him outside the weight area beforehand, he was at the bench press while I was doing my shoulder workout in front of the mirror, my back facing him. On the mirror, I saw his glance over me. I didn't pay attention to him at first. When I saw him towel-wrapped around his waist in the sauna, I was quite surprise that he has a beautiful round chest, and slightly visible abs. Not chiseled, but just slightly muscular. And he's quite good-looking. Fast forward to the shower room, we made out, sucked each other off, and exploded our huge loads on each other chests. He was all smiley when we were doing our deed inside the shower room. After we left the shower room, we dressed up afar. I kept glancing over him, he didn't seem to give any attention back to me. When we reached at the front desk at the same time, standing beside him to retrieve back my card, he didn't bother to look over me as if he's feeling guilty about it. I thought I could thank him for the good time we had. I guess it means we will pretend nothing happened thing back there when we bump into each other in the gym. 

xx

Just Cause

Dear Zach,

I felt extremely cranky I did not know why. I woke up to the gloomy morning day, which worsen my mood even further. I was sleepy and hungry: Sleepy because I don't want to wake up to the absolute fact that I will be spending my last day of 2015 alone, in the gym, pretending it just another day of life; Hungry because I'm craving for dicks and food - mostly about food. I went to the gym as usual at night. I felt unenergized. But I managed to complete my workout. When I was in the sauna, I saw this Arabian hunk in his undies, standing there, enjoying the intense wave of heat. He's hot. And his protruding bulge made him even hotter. How I wish I could pin him against the wall, and pull down his undies, and suck his cock furiously. I did not. I ended up in the shower room, showering alone. 

Did Not

Dear Zach,

I have no word to describe how unpleasant this week was. Work was fine. I didn't expect much out of it. It was just that any attempt I had tried to make it seemed to be unfailingly not turning out the way I wished to be - it all ended in full disappointment. And I've got to realize the taste of how people can just changed the way you being treated in a space of 24 hours, for that matter. It's such a shocker for not knowing what was going on but having given a silent treatment - at least a brief explanation would be fine. I felt disrespectful for that matter. Last night, I've been to the infamous gay club in town - Market Place. It was such a disappointment. I did not enjoy at all last night. I basically wondered around the club aimlessly. Maybe because I went with the wrong guy, who is a complete dead boring person, and I wasn't in the mood due to the unpleasant events happened past back days. I did not enjoy my Christmas day nor Boxing day, and even today. In the nutshell, I did not enjoy any day of the week. 

Satiated

Dear Zach,

I can't sit still. Mainly because of the forthcoming new job I will be starting tomorrow. It's so exciting and anticipating. It feels as if this is my first job after I graduated. Deep down I know that this isn't any job I previously had, it's a job that what my parents very much hoping me to have at the first place itself. I had a thousand of reason for hating working in the office beforehand, simply because I wanted to do something I wished to do before I get serious about my career. Technically, I had done what I supposed to do, I had enough of fun. And, now, it's time to pay the bills; it's time to hold on to my responsibility. It's time to learn what life is all about, apart from having fun. I had my skin tanned this morning, a good swim in the pool, and a sweaty hot sex in the evening - I am fully satiated. All I need now is a good night sleep for tomorrow.

xx

Human Isn't So Bad Afterall

Dear Zach,

I woke up to usual routine - have my breakfast and go to the gym. This could be my last morning workout before I start working next week as I will have to work out at the evening with the crowd of people. I strutted into the gym and changed into workout gear, and started pumping iron. During the period, I was looking for 10 kg weight plates and, so happened that, I spotted two of it at the corner unused. So I grabbed it and slid it into the barbell at both end points. 

After I finished my first set of exercise, there was this bald guy, who is in his forties, short and muscular, approached me and said, "Are you aware that I was using the two plates just now?"

I was stunned, I certainly didn't aware that he was using it as it seemed being left unused to me. I didn't get defensive by his confrontation, because I wasn't intend to. 

"Oh! I didn't realize. Do you want it back?" I quickly said.

"Nah. It's fine. I'm done with it. You can have it." He said, turned around and continue his workout. 

I could sense that he was a bit pissed off. But I shrugged it off and continue my workout. Throughout the workout session, I could feel that he kept throwing glances at me. I couldn't help but to glance at him unintentionally. He's quite hot in his short muscular frame; he's quite hot at the age of his. The tightness of his workout shirt wrapped around his rock hard bod couldn't be more sexier than he already is. I quickly glance away before he catches me watching him and drags me to the side and punches the living daylight out of me for stealing his plates and ogling over him. 

By the time I finished my workout, I walked into the changing room, and saw him packing his bag, right just few lockers away from mine, I pretended that I didn't see him, and undress myself. He grabbed his bag and walked past behind me to the entrance. Seconds later, he reappeared again and approached me, and hands out to give me a fist pump, and said, "I'm sorry about just now. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I was having a bad day."

I was surprised. Really surprised by his course of action. 

"No worry. That was my fault. You should've told me that were yours. I'm sorry." I apologized, and patted his muscular arms. 

"No no. It's fine. I shouldn't have done that to you. I feel bad about it," He said sincerely, "Just bad day."

"It's okay. I understand." I smiled. He's not that bad after all. And his politeness made him extra sexier and hotter. 

"I'll see you around." He gave me a wave.

"See ya." 

Well, human isn't so bad afterall. 

Finally!

Dear Zach,

Never had I ever thought that thing could just happened to you unexpectedly in such a good way. After I had turned down the great offer in Singapore, I returned home and started finding job again. On Tuesday, I was invited to an interview. I didn't expect much from it. I went there. And she was very happy with me. Apparently she was happy what she saw. And she asked those common interview question such as 'why', 'what', and 'why' again. She didn't try to be harsh on me.

The only tricky part was that in the beginning of the interview, she asked me to roughly describe about the job description I applied for. First thing first, I didn't read the job description at all before I applied. I just applied for the sake of applying. And I never thought they would have invited and, now, giving me a question testing me if I could utter a satisfactory answer about the job description. I applied for Branch Management Junior Executive. I cracked my head so hard to figure out the answer about what the job position all about. She was flipping through my job application while waiting for my response. If I couldn't answer this, I would be so doomed and it would be so embarrassing for not knowing what job position I applied for. It could be prostitution with the glamorous title of it. It can't be that. So I tried my luck by using the word "Branch" and started explaining. It makes sense if working in branch management, it would be all about working with all the enquiries with all the branches and give support to them. It was brief answer. And she nodded her head and said, "Good, you got it right. Partly." And then she elaborated in detail about the job scope. 

Thank God. I got it right. A plus point for me. After the interview, I was so giddy inside because I felt like I scored it well. Today, I got a call from them saying that I got hired, and I will be starting next week. I was over the moon! 

Turned Down

Dear Zach,

I am alive. I am still breathing. I felt like I have been missing forever. Here's an update for the past few days.

On Monday, I got a call from a company from Singapore for interview. I was completely stoked given the fact the chance of getting a job in Singapore is a rarity.  

On Tuesday, I had skyped-interview with the ladyboss. I named her ladyboss because she's very dominant. And I dislike her a bit instantly. She was happy with the interview, so she invited me over to Singapore to try out working in the company for two days for observation. By 4pm, I boarded a one-way flight to Singapore.

On Wednesday morning, I arrived at the place. Very scenic and fresh. And I got to be introduced to the only Supervisor there. And I had a small chit-chat with the ladyboss after that. I didn't work. I observed the nature of work. And I had a serious pep talk with the supervisor about the company background. Sometimes knowing too much of the company isn't a good thing.

On Thursday, I observed the nature of work again. And I had a serious talk with the ladyboss about the job. She's very good in persuading me. I almost fall for the attractive remuneration she has to offer. It's so tempting no one could say no to that as a foreigner. I told her I have to consider. She said this is a rare chance for people like me to work in Singapore, people would jump on this offer without hesitation. After that, I left. On that night itself, I turned down her offer.

On Friday morning, I checked my phone, and there's 3 messages from her. The last one was telling me to pick up her call and talk to her. I've seen the messages, and read it twice. I felt bad about turning down such a good opportunity. I am not sure what's stopping me. 

On Saturday, I went back to KL by bus. On the way back home, I was thinking about the reality I will have to face again tomorrow. 

Today, I was sitting here, typing this down, and start searching for job again.      

  

Stuck In Between

Dear Zach,

Today I went to Celebrity Fitness in the Mines to sign up gym membership. I have been considering for the umpteenth times about joining. I have doubts in joining this fitness center. No doubt it's the nearest to my home - 10 min driving distance. And pretty affordable. But I heard a lot of issues from this gym center itself. I tried not to let it influence me. But considering CF has a lot of branches in KL and PJ area. I might have to have to access to gym if I work around the area in the future. So, I go against my will, marched to the center, and signed up before I changed my mind. 

Few hours later, I walked into the gym with my workout gear, not sure why I was kinda regret signing up already. The longer I stay in the gym, the more regretful I become. I feel like slapping myself for not thinking rationally. I am stuck in between. 

Just like my life stuck in between.  

Dec

Dear Zach,

It's December and I refuse to be reminded that it's December. It pains me; In fact, it infuriates me. Mainly because I am jobless in the end of the year and aching for something to do. I am a doer; but I am not doing something much lately. I am hungry for something, metaphorically and literally. I am hungry for something to work on, and at the same time I am hungry for food, which makes sense in the following, as everything in the kitchen is just right in front of my room, and I have nothing better else to do than to eat all up.

I need a goal, a purpose, a meaning of life, to work on. Staying at home suffocates me. And I am frustrated with myself if I made the wrong decision leaving my previous job. I pour out my frustration in the morning gym session, but mainly in eating too much of foods. I can't help it. Because I have set a goal to have a supermodel physique next year, which is ridiculous to think about given the fact that it is too ridiculous to even think about. I have been fielding calls and text messages like a CIA. I ignored messages from some friends who keep asking me to hang out. I don't hang out simply because I am running tight of budget. And it's pointless to meet up when both of us always fill with awkward silence that kills me. I'd think twice before I go out with someone thinking if it's worth my time or its worth my money. Often I think of both as one factor. So usually I decided not to go out. 

Another frustration is that I never seem to be able to get a call from all 50 apps I have sent to all the companies. It infuriates me further more that the interviews I went to particularly not going so well. Mainly because they complaint to me about how badly operating the company is and how bad the people are working with, rather than interrogating me with questions. I was well prepared with all the answer to expected question, turned out it was about heart-pouring session of one of the pathetic employee. This shows a bad sign and I quickly disregarded the idea of going for second interview after I left. 

It's funny. Really funny I feel like laughing right now.

xx

Dick's Talking

Dear Zach,

I've been feeling very horny these days - partly because I am too available to do something. By something, it means something sexually fun. I can't help to going for a hookup even though how much I refuse doing it. I can't believe that I even had this encounter. What makes me feel guilty is that I still can't get enough of it. 

And the guy I have been sleeping with over the weekends seems to be growing apart from me. Or shall I say we both seem to be growing apart. We haven't been seeing each other for two weeks. Over the course of 2 weeks we did text each other regularly, but since yesterday he didn't reply to any of my message. Not sure if one of my text message has upset him, but I sent him "Are you upset?" only to have silent treatment from him. And the thought of him having sex with other guy make me jealous, and I have no right to be jealous as I did have sex with other guy while he having sex with other guy. I'm not sure which is which but I am sure as hell I have no right to be jealous of him. Or maybe he has found someone who has better performance in bed than me. And right now I am jealous. 

xx

The Time I Had Sex In Public Swimming Pool Shower Room

Dear Zach,

Right after gym session, I headed right away to my usual swimming spot to chase after the blazing hot sun before it started to rain. It was 2.30 p.m. There were a few people mingling around in the pool. I headed into changing room and quickly changed into my speedo before the sun goes down again. 

I walked up to the stairs and the end of the bleacher, where there's an empty walkway and spot perfectly for people who wants to suntan without really being noticed - no one would actually go there. And we know damn well that actions happen if people walk around there. As I was walking to the end, I noticed a guy laying on the perfect spot, where the sun shone so bright on him, his body glistening with mixture of sweat and suntanning oil. I didn't really pay much attention to him when he looked up at me as I passed by him. 

I laid my sweaty gym attire on the rough floor as my mat, and laid on my back, facing the blazing hot sun, my arms and legs wide-open absorbing the rays of light as much as I could. After 10 minutes or so, I turned around, stomach facing the floor, and my vision was directly at the guy I saw just now. He seemed to have noticed that I noticed him. Because he kept turning his head to my direction as he laying on his back, hands over his head, head facing me. And I pretended to look past him as if I was looking something else - in fact I was looking at him. It hits me that he has a very hot body. And he's quite cute though with the trendy comb over haircut. His chest is very well-defined - the kind of chest you want to grab and feel how thick the muscle is; his abs are visible, initially I thought those were just adipose layer, only realized that his abs are thick and long; and he was wearing a blue speedo so short it exposed the top of his butt cheek. I can't help to stare at this hot specimen laying in front of me. I have the urge to lick all part of his glistening body away. 

Few seconds later, I quickly looked away, avoid giving false intention to him thinking that I want him, there and now. After what seemed to be an hour later, I decided to dip into the pool and cool myself down from the sun and him. Not long after, he dip into the pool, swam for few laps. I just sat by the pool, relishing the cool water, too tired to move at all after my gym session. I just sat there and looked around, but mainly looking at him. When he looked at me, I looked away. Our stare-throwing lasted for quite long til he got out of the pool and went into the shower room. I decided not to go in so quickly - not wanting to let him know that I was interested in him. After 5 minutes, I walked into the shower room, and went to the open shower area. 

While I was lathering under the shower, I turned around and saw him showering in one of the cubicle, exact opposite of me, open-doored. He didn't pull off his trunk, we both are under the shower with our trunks on. I can't keep my eyes off him as well as he can't keep his eyes off me. We both stared at each other while we lathering our body with soaps. I decided to make a drastic move, slowly pulling down my trunk til a patch of untanned area being shown, which is very dangerously low. He did the same too, trying to wash his crotch slowly lower down his trunk, exposing both of his butt cheeks to me. When I looked at the water dripping down to his chest, abs and then his crotch, I can't help myself that my crotch was getting elongated. He walked toward me, cautiously, sexily, and sexually. When he stood in front me, I could smell his tanning oil still lingering around his body. He gave me a once-over from bottom to top, slowly, he grabbed hold of my crotch, and slowly played with it. He seemed to be satisfied with what he saw, and I did the same to him, too. Disappointingly, his private anatomy doesn't really match to his chiseled physique, I was kinda a bit put off, but I at least I got to have a taste of his body.

 He grabbed my hand and led me into his cubicle shower as I collected my stuff along with me. Slowly, we kissed. We made out. Pulling our speedo off which seem to be a barrier for both of us. We were naked, making out under the shower. I slowly moved my hands all over his muscly body, and licked his sexy chest, his chiseled abs, and turned him around, I was on my knee, savoring his mighty fine ass. Damn his ass is so damn good. I was glad his ass response to my tongue when I rimmed him so hard I almost eat it up. So I asked him what role he is:

"Versatile, You?" he said, his mighty fine ass responding  to my hardon. 

"Versatile, too. But usually top." I said, kissing his neck from his back, grabbing his chest and his hardon. "Do you want me to top you?" I suggested.  

"Here? No. People is around" He said.

"It's break time. No people around. And it's raining outside." hoping he would change his mind. 

"Nah..," He hesitate. Part of me wonder if he's afraid of pain if I enter him, or has never been entered by a dick larger than his. So I suggested if he want to top me. 

"Aren't you top?" He asked. "Aren't you afraid of pain?"

"I do top but I can be bottom as well." I said. "There's no pain for me don't worry." Part of me wanted to tell him that there won't even be painful if he enter me, which would lead him thinking that I make an awful remark about his dick. 

He looked at me and said, "I don't have condom."

"I do." I said, mischievously fishing out a piece of condom from the pocket of my pants. 

"You are so well-prepared." He smirked. 

And then he took it, tore the foil off, and slip the condom on his dick. He used his suntanning oil as lubricant. 

Slowly, he entered me from behind, once its fully entered, he moved his hips, from slow to faster pace, banging against my ass. From the way he move I can tell, he's usually top. After a good 10 minutes bang, his cock slip off, the condom was torn. Then we continued by sucking each other off. When I almost on the edge of cuming, he was on his knee, accepting my essence. I cum so hard on his body, rendering his pec and abs were dripping down with my essence. The picture of his body with my essence was so hot. It was like one of the pornos I watched. I did the same to him when he cum, I was on my knee, let his essence came all over my body. 

"You came a lot, man." I laughed. 

"You are not so bad for yourself." He said. 

We washed ourselves off, and then get dressed. We have small chat while getting dressed. He's name is Josh and 30-years-old, and workout at Lot 10 and Midvalley (typical). I know he won't be asking my number or whatsover, I am feeling the same to him too. Maybe he too shy to ask but waiting for me to ask. But, well, I decided to against the notion of asking his number, so I just gave him a nod as thanks. He gave me a smirk in return. We both know this is a one-time-thing rule. Is better to keep it that way. When we done, we walked our separate ways.   

Health Check For Sex Disease

Dear Zach,

Today, right after a swim in Bandar Tun Razak pool, I went to the clinic I usually go to to collect my STD/HIV report as my blood and urine were collected for clinical test last Thursday. The results were negative. My last screening was last year October. It has been exactly a year since I last tested. I still remember I was being paranoid last year having myself tested twice in a year. One was on June and another one was on October . Yes. I do have sex, a lot, over of this year. That's why I needed to have a health check, just in case I contracted with anything undesirable. 

For those of you who have sex with more than 5 people, you should have a health check by now. 

And yes I had sex with more than 5 people. 

xx

P.S: You may read the archive back in June and October on the link. 

Figure Out

Dear Zach,

I've grown more and more depress in each passing day, thinking each tomorrow will be a new day of hope, brand new day to fight for - only to realize I actually have nothing much to fight for. I slept in early and woke up at 9 a.m. everyday in the morning. Considering it's healthy to me, I went to the gym at 11 a.m. It practically became my daily routine. You could envy all you want that I was having a good life of doing nothing - apart from wasting my time looking for job if that counts. Still, I feel worthless of doing the same thing all over again. My eyes were sore from looking very carefully into the job description in each and every single ads in jobstreet. Only to find out nothing really interest me much. I have zero knowledge in accounting, not to mention that I am very poor in math itself. Each of the ads signify that each candidate should have at least 3 years experiences to be able to apply the job. I couldn't care less about it I just sent my resume to it. I thought I have plan after I quit, telling myself I'd find a job better than previous one, interesting and fun, and medium payroll. Most importantly, I knew what I want. I knew then what I know now. It had been almost 4 weeks, I am lost - lost in the world of self-pity, confusion, and self-discovery. Everyday I sat there in my room, thinking what I want to do with my life. Every thing I ever wanted to be and have, just floating around in my subconscious mind, waiting for me to get it. But I don't even know where the stepping stones are. It's very frustrating that I thought I could hold it together, and follow my heart to wherever it will lead to. But only to realize it doesn't work that way. It doesn't even work that way. It all comes down to sense of logical and rationality. I was being logical and rational - I attended one interview (pathetically after I had sent it at least 20 apps, only one had called me for interview, yet this is the one I don't really hope to get a call from) and it went all sorts of wrong. I was stammered, nervous, unsure, and doubtful. I was asked if I really want to work in this industry, the worst part was that I silence for 5 seconds, or more, to give an answer saying that I could give it a try. But from my face they could tell I wasn't in a remote interest working for them. I was glad that they can tell from my facial expression; not coming out from my mouth which would be ended up being rude. After that, I went to my car, and sat in there for good 10 minutes, mentally slapping myself for being such a dumb ass in there. While I was on the way back home, I was mentally rewinding back to one of the phrase from one of the interviewers, "...you have to figure out what you want...". This hit me stone-hard because, honestly speaking, I couldn't even figure the fuck out what I really want. 

xx

This Is Bad

Dear Zach,

I am big flirter. A major one. This is bad.
I practically flirt with everyone - from a normal conversation escalated to sex talk.
This is bad. I'm not sure what is the cause of factor. But I think I'm gonna cease all contact with stranger to avoid sex talk again. Because this is bad.

When I'm Gone ...

Dear Zach,

Ever since I left my previous job silently, everyone seems to be surprised by my resignation. It's been 3 weeks now, some members only have realized that I was gone for so long. I wouldn't blame them for that. It's because my choice of leaving in not acknowledging the world is far much better than telling everyone that I was leaving in a bad term some sort. 

And I was surprised that some members that I had greeted them in passing in the gym ,whom I won't stop down for a casual chit-chat, pinged me up on Facebook or left a message on Instagram. Now I only truly got the feeling that people only start noticing you when you were gone. 

The first question that would come forward from them would be: "why did u leave?". I couldn't recall how many times and different versions of answers to that particularly unavoidable question. Because each time I think of a way to answer them, I felt unsure of what sort of right answer to give - simply because I just don't want them to know about my intention of leaving. Not that they gonna care about me anyway. I'm pretty sure they just want to bring up a conversation and get it going. 

It felt great and touched when one of my client sent me a greeting from Australia. And I miss the people in the gym so much. Oh well, that's my choice to leave for better option which has yet to be found. 

xx

Hardly Working

Dear Zach,

Besides that I am working hard in the gym nowadays, I am not sure whether I was working hard in my job finding. I did send in my application to some company of interest. All I have to do is to wait. If only working hard in the gym could earn a living. And recently I have been spending a few nights in this one guy's home. This was my first when comes to spending a night in someone's place. We cuddled; we talked; we made out; we fucked. I feel comfortable being around with him. There's one time while I was playing his PS4, he sat beside me and started making small peck and caressed my arms, slowly he reached into my pants and grabbed hold of my rock hard boner. He told me to concentrate on the game while he giving me a great blow job. I shot so hard inside of his mouth as I shot one of the villian in the game simultaneously. I told him that that was the best PS4 game play as for the first time playing it. 

xx

Die Down

Dear Zach,

I had quit my job as Personal Trainer after working for nine months. Right after I quit I went for vacation in an island - I went for recreational diving course and it was terrifyingly exciting. I've got to know how beautiful the underworld is - I grabbed my instructor's arm so hard because I was petrified by the depth of the sea. Four days in the island later, I started to packed my stuff and was getting ready for shifting to new home. My parents sold off the old house and bought a new one where the exists to everywhere is pretty much convenient - except the fact that the congestion is unavoidable. The new home is much much smaller. The home is pretty much suitable for a family of two. The exception had been made for our family of four. So moving from a big house to smaller home was so tedious and heartbroken. Heartbroken because I've had to throw a bunch of stuff in order to accommodate my extremely small room, especially. I took it as a let-it-all-go moment. At the mean time, I have been searching through jobstreet for suitable job but to no avail. Each job ad I have looked through has been marked as boring-as-fuck category but I couldn't help to think these jobs could have saved me from being unemployed. I sit in my new home, searching all over the place for job, and, have nothing better else to do, slowly accepting the fact of being unemployed.

The End

Dear Zach,

Nine months of hiatus had finally come to the end. It was fun working in an environment with such amazing people I can know of, and I have grown so much in the space of nine months time. I am truly grateful for everything I have gotten and learnt, and the people that surround me for giving me such a good time.

Albeit having the most lay-back job ever, my direction isn't the same anymore. I left with good terms. I bid goodbyes to people I love and care about.

And, now, I am a free bird. Waiting to explore the options available around the world.

Swimming Coach For HIRE

Hi readers,

I am currently doing freelance swimming instructor, if you keen in stoke improvement or basic swimming lesson, please do personal email me at izacholivera93@gmail.com .

For serious learner only. No hanky panky.

Thanks.

Reconsideration

Dear Zach,

I am seriously reconsidering the job I am having now.

It makes me sick.

Lost But Not Found

Dear Zach,

Where is my confidence?

I can't remember when was the last time I had it.

After All

Dear Zach,

We have been throwing our glances at each other. No doubt we both are into each other. I was too afraid to smile at him.

He has not been coming to the club for a week or so, he came yesterday I was quite surprised. So the glance-throwing game began.

I have the sense of feeling that there's something special about him - apart from his cute face and apparent bubble butt.

Til then we have lost our 'connection' in the sea of crowd during the peak hour.

I am a close friend to one of the girl who works as receptionist. His phone was charging at the front desk as the screen of his phone came alive, she saw the wallpaper of two little children. When he was about to leave, she grabbed the chance to ask him as he unplugged his phone.


"Who are they?"

"They are my children."

"Are you married?"

"Yeah."


Moment later, he left.

She came toward me and told me about the news. Needless to say, I was surely surprised. Shocked even.

Not sure why this news about him has bothered me all night long.

The Convocation

Dear Zach,

I was pinching myself if this was true to be happening. It did happen.

Being able to see my fellow ex-classmates whom we had gone through the highs and lows together, it seemed like everything just happened not long ago. It was unbelievable that 4 years in University had gone by like nobody business.

The convocation for us was a last reunion. Though there were a few of us able to make it to the end, but we still cherish the moment being together. Walking up to the stage, being handled over the scroll that we had fighted so hard for, was the moment when all of the hardwork had finally paid off.

My mum was the happiest one I reckoned. She was all smiley face when I was walking down the aisle and struggling holding her phone to snap a good photo of me walking down, which ended up snapped a blurry one. I don't blame her. She tried her best to learn to perfect the skill of snapshot. And I love it. And, of course, my dad was the happiest one, even he doesn't show it, but he did give me the full perfect megawatt smile at me when my single portrait being taken.

They are proud of me. And I am really proud of them for being such a devoting mum and dad for loving me unconditionally and giving me everything I need to be a better person.

Mum and Dad, I did it. I made you proud! :)

xx

I'm Not A Secret Anymore

Dear Zach,

It's no secret that my sexual orientation has become a known fact to almost everyone who is working in the club. It's liberating to be myself. Besides, even the members are slowly realizing the fact that I like guys. I was a little bit horrified when one of the female members said to me "you like him? He's single." as I didn't show any sign of interest. And some of the gay guys in the club are slowly noticing that I'm gay. Not sure if it's a good thing, but I couldn't be bothered.

Anyway, on the different side of note, this is not the wise time to quit my job and find other. I will have to work for another few more months to see how it goes.

xx

Bed Conversation

Dear Zach,

When was the last time you felt like you being treated special, being constantly kissed on the bed, cuddling under the duvet, and having deep talk with the one-night-stander? Even if it's the first time you met him. 

I found it arousing to be opening up myself to stranger. Maybe because they know nothing about you at all. So talking to a stranger about your struggle, your life, and everything about you makes the whole conversation all the more better on the bed. And, of course, sex would be even better after getting to know each other deeply enough. 

I don't know. I just like to do this with the guy I like. 

I Am Complicated

Dear Zach,

"why don't you give me a chance?"


Not sure why I don't give him a chance.

Is it because I am not ready yet? Or because I am not ready for him yet? I always use work commitment as an excuse. But it wasn't the only excuse I have.

Being with him I certainly have a lot of self-doubts. I constantly debate with myself whether I should undertake this chance to be with him. I know he will be faithful and loyal in future.

But something stops me - I can't put my finger on it. The feeling wasn't right even I fond of him.

I guess my fondness toward him isn't as much as his to me.

It's over. Officially over.

He Wants My Heart But ....

Dear Zach,

Again. He stirred up the issue of having a commitment again.

I explained. Everything to him.

......

- Why don't you give me a chance?

- What chance?

- A chance to be with you.

- I told you. I'm not ready yet. My job is not stabilized. Isn't it good that we keep it the way we are now?

- Not good enough for me.

- How good do you want from me?

- For you to be mine.

- I'd prefer the way we are now. At least we still can talk.

- If you think you are happy torturing my feeling by doing this to me, go ahead then. Obviously, I am not good enough for you. I'm regretting my life now.

- Why are you feeling like this?! 

- You are still young. I understand that. I'll prove to you one day i will be good enough for you. 

- This is not my priority right now. 

- I understand that. Please stop everything right now. 

- Stop what!?

- Stop it. Let's start all over like we used to be before we got to know each other. Just a distant acquaintance.

- I will still remain what we are now. I won't change. 

- Okay then. It's your choice. I stated clearly.. I want different thing from you. 

. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
- I will never regret know you at all. I miss you. Good night. 




He unfriended me on Facebook this morning.

Tall, Dark, Handsome

Dear Zach,

I was in the steam room of the club. Dark and steamy, and hot. 

I only saw a few figures in there sitting aimlessly, not sure what they had in mind. I lied against the wall near to the glass door, where the light shines through the mist, giving out the silhouettes of one well-built men sitting in front of where I stood. 

I can't see clearly his face, but I still remember him. My gut telling me was him. The guy sitting besides him, trying to sit closer, engaged him with talks. He didn't seem interested by acknowledging him with monosyllabic feedback. He looked at me briefly; I looked away. When I looked at him; he looked away. 

He walked to the Sauna room next door. When he was outside where the light shine so bright, I can totally see how athletic he is even when he was in the dark. Jezz.. the height, the face, the body. Not sure why I have the intention of following him. 

I stayed longer. A little bit longer. Pretending I don't care. Because my sole intention was to relax my body and stay fresh. 

After what seem to be 5 minutes later, I walked to the next door. I saw him standing in front of the door, expecting me. Or maybe not. 

I took a seat, trying so hard not to ogling all over his physique. I faced down. This would have been good. 

I heard the woods cracking, footsteps moving to the door, when I lift my head up, he was out of the room and headed to the shower room. 

I waited. And waited. Not wanting to be a suspect of doing a bad deed in the club - my club, my working place. 

Unsure how long I have been in there, I got up and walked  to the shower room.

When I about to go to the 5th cubicle shower room, a tall figure walked from the 4th - it was him. 

He looked at me, in different way - admiration? or lust? We eye-locked for split second. I looked away and scurried to the shower room. His eyes were searing through my back I could feel that. 

I turned on the knob, and let the cold water cascaded on me. I needed to chill down. He could have found me weird or something else. 

After I showered, I opened the glass door, I bumped into him. Again. This time he was holding a pants, and the towel was wrapped around his waist. His waist. I gave him a brief smile. And walked away to my locker. From the corner of my eyes when I rounded the corner, I saw him looking at me before I disappeared from his sight. My heart soaring with glee. 

I changed into my uniform, he was in his pants - not in his towel. He looked very fine with the sweat pants around him. Jezz.. I looked away. He noticed that I noticed him. He must have known because he have been noticing me that I was noticing him. Okay. Game on!

I tuck out my shirt.. and decided to not wear any shirt, but a jacket cover my upper body. I zipped my jacket in front of the mirror where it is just beside of where he was sitting. Leaving my upper collar opened, I was basically naked inside. He saw that. And I knew it. 

I turned to the side and we eye-locked, this time I gave him a wink. 

How brave I was!

He was looking at me all the while he wearing his shoes, wearing his shirt. 

When I walked out of the locker room, I gave him another wink. This time he winked back. 

This is interesting. 

When I was at the front desk, he couldn't take his eyes off me. And me too.

He walked out of the club, I couldn't take my eyes off him. Out of my surprise, he looked back, and gave me a wry smile. 

My pant stir. 

Loose String

Dear Zach,

It's really intrigue how people can be changed so fast in just one day itself. Not sure what incident or event had occurred to have them changed in terms of attitude, but it really put me off. 

One day, we were talking over the messenger where we used to be - getting to know each other. The next day, the conversation with him was monotonous, clipped answer, seemingly bringing up the sense of I-don't-give-shit-anymore. Following, he said that at least someone thinks he is hot. 

"I hope he likes you as much as you to him." I replied. 

Simply because I couldn't keep it up with such volatility anymore. I am tired and aggravated. If he doesn't understand me, then I would have to let it go. I am more than happy that I did it. Because it's just one fucked-up loose string that doesn't worth my while at all. 

I Am Not Ready

Dear Zach,

We are into each other.

I try to take it slow; you seem to be going faster than I ever thought.

You want me to be with you all the time.

I can't do that; I am not ready to do that.

We had barely known each other 2 weeks - I can feel that you want something more out of us.

I can't give it to you yet. I am not ready to do that.

I told you that I was not ready to do that. But I don't want to lose you as a friend.

You ignored me - ignored whatever messages I've sent it to you.

I guess I am losing you.

Desire

Dear Zach,

When we were young during primary school years, we were told to be hardworking, because being hardworking would definitely bring you results you desired, or something more than what you had desired in the end of the day, such as acing Math test or getting a trophy for winning in drawing competition. Being hardworking is what everyone were told throughout the whole life, regardless when you were in young or in adolescence, especially when comes to studying. It's true that if you ever be lazy for one day, you are so gonna flunk your Genetic test. 

Yes. Hardworking is good; Hardworking is virtual. Even when comes to working life, you are told to be hardworking: for a better living; to pay off debt; for your car or house loan; any kind of commitments in which every adult has to face. But not everyone has the same desire to work hard for. I am the living proof now. I have been told to workhard so that you can earn more; I have been told to workhard so that you will whole new opinion about you. This is the standard most of them set in the club: workhard for a better living. I understand. 

I truly understand that working hard for a better living is of importance of most people. I don't workhard for the sake of a better living; I workhard for the sake of my happiness. I admit I am not the most hardworking person in the club, simply because I refuse to let the standard implemented on me. The desire of theirs is not the same as mine. I have other desire other than working hard in something I have no intention to put into. It's quite sickening when they think you are not the same page with them. 

Hardworking is the right thing to do when you have a right desire. 

We found virtual lust in a hopeless place.

Dear Zach,

So these are the trends right now living in the gay community, regardless where you guys met, IG or Facebook, or any sort of social networking that both accidentally came across of shirtless picture of both and started liking, commenting, and flirting. 

1. Stumbled upon this guy with top off, abs showing, chest popping on Instagram. And liking his pic and, within minute, he liked back your picture. 

2. Started liking a few of his shirtless pictures. And he liked back a few of mine - non-shirtless picture. 

3. Then, he initiated a chat over Instagram direct messaging with a sexy pic of his. 

4. And the picture of his is too sexy we started chatting, flirting, and sexting. 

5. Both sex chemistry were there. Flowing and endless. Foolishly thinking to meet up for coffee. Or tea. 

6. Slowly chatting on Instagram was getting annoying and irritated, he asked for an exchange of mobile number. We did.

7. Somewhat chatting in Whatsapp has killed off some steam between both of us. And it felt weird and awkward, and didn't feel like continuing where we started off at the first place. 

8. Conversation was started off long and winding with words and paragraphs. 

9. Slowly it was getting meaningless and plain boring. Shortened it into one lines or two. Eventually, one word or two.

10. The conversation eventually died off. Neither of us intended to continue and said Goodbye, which means we secretly hope that we might get in touch someday. And then there goes the conversation 4 days ago. 

Sigh. 

We found virtual love lust in hopeless place. 

x

My Current Life

Dear Zach,

I have been doing good - there were times I had doubted myself if I was doing it right or rightly wrong. And also there were times I had doubts in my decision in terms of career and choices I had made that it made me think if I recklessly did it just for the sake of my heart wants. 

I have learnt so much for past 5 months ever since I worked as a Personal Trainer - though it is something I have been wanting to do for quite long, because of this I have been asked if this is a right choice of career for me since I am too young to be here. I have been told to continuing my studies since I am too young with a bachelor degree. Too young to be working. There's no such thing too young in life - we start young, we end with gold. 

And I have been preoccupied with a lot of thinking lately, to the point where my colleagues sensed something was wrong with me. And I have been asked to one-on-one with my manager and discuss about what I have been up to. I told him everything - he's really understanding and caring as a manager and friend himself. Even though I confessed everything, my shoulder lift up, but the solution isn't found. I told myself that I should work for one year at least, and I'll see from there if this journey of my life is worth taking step into.

 I am pretty much enjoying every single minute of my work - it's meaningful and worthwhile. And everyone working in the club has known I am gay. It's pretty much a known fact. They are cool with it. And I am cool with it. 

Hope Burnt

Dear Zach,

When you realized, as always, that your photos on Instagram were liked by a cute guy, and he initiated a conversation with you thinking he might be interested in you or something, and the flow went along, gradually and eventually to have known that his intention is to find someone to have sex.

This is why hot guys are asshole.

xx

Latter

Dear Zach,

At moments when life is at its worst there are two things you can do: 1) break down, lose hope and refuse to go on while laying face down on the ground banging your fists and kicking your legs, or ... 2) laugh. I did the latter.

xx

One Fucked Up Society

Dear Zach,

It's harsh to receive comments about your work ethic when you think yourself doing it right.
And being treated in unfair manner isn't feeling that good either.
And being made fun of my sexual orientation definitely the worst one.
People are just being jealous of me for having my own sweet time.
And they are trying to think of a way to attack me.
Because of all of these, I've become more and more aggravated with things around me.
And people around me started to see the true side of myself which is not true at all.
I have been told to change for the sake of myself and my job - be more hardworking, be more nice.
I am nice; they refuse see it but the ugly truth. I am not as hardworking as others - I admit this; Because I am unsure if this is something I should hardwork for.
Maybe this is the reality of the society - it changes people. When they don't talk to you, they start to talk about you.

So Yesterday

Dear Zach,

I can still remember vividly last year of today, I was in the laboratory, excitedly to get started of my research. It was after a long-haul of final exam papers. I was in the lab, preparing, and doing something I thought I would have prospect in my future career. I was naïve. Too naïve. That this would be my set of the long run.

Today, I wasn’t the person I thought I would have been. It’s unimaginable that thing happened too drastic and quickly in a year apart. It feels like so yesterday. 

Can’t Stop Thinking

 

Dear Zach,

Not sure if it’s an instant attraction or just a crush on first sight, it felt unsettling to be dreaming and thinking about the same person over again. This particular person isn’t attractive at all (according to one of my colleagues), but cute is the word I could think of describing this person. I feel like I wanna know this person better.

Maybe this feeling will fade soon. Like I said, instant attraction never last forever.

xx

Perseverance

 

Dear Zach,

My mum has endured so much pains in her entire life – most of it were surgery for the last few years. But she never complaint.

She knew that she’s getting older by each year, her body system is dying by each day. But she never complaint.

She broke her left arm last month. She cried. And bare the agony shooting from her injury. But she never complaint.

She’s now doing the house chores with her barely-movable left arm. But she never complaint.

She still does it regardless how difficult it is to be working around with single hand. But she never complaint.

The greatest pain isn’t stopping her from being the greatest mum alive, never stop her doing what she likes, never stop her for taking care of us, even when life threw her a curveball.

That’s one thing I should really need to learn from her … Perseverance.

 

 

 

Happy Belated Mother’s Day!

xx

22

 

Dear Zach,

Although I had a very much mundane day for this very day, I was moved by the sweet gesture of my mum, presenting a piece of cheese cake I love, and a kiss on my cheek.

I wouldn’t have known today I am turning 22 til my mum brought out the cake. Forgetful me.

I love you, mum, with all of my heart. You are the only person in the world who wishes me. And you are the only one who wishes me today. Thank you for everything you have done for me; your unconditional love to me; I wouldn’t be here without you constantly giving me the love I need.

Again, I love you.

xx

April Full

 

Dear Zach,

Being away for so long after my last post, I felt like I have the need to write something down for what I have been doing recently.

This April is full of lies and bullshit, unfairness, no-manner-fuckers and late-night working. I have been told not to speak or give too much opinions. I have been told not to against with the boss. I have been told to be patience with everything, then I will soon find light in grey clouds. And for the sake of my job.

I am no patience man; I did my best to accommodate to whatever it is happening. I tried to be myself. Apparently being myself would have gotten me in great risk of being fired. So I pretend to be someone else – someone that I find myself boring and very dull. Maybe I should mute myself, preventing the tendency of talking too much.

I wouldn’t say that my job is the hardest thing of all; the hardest thing to deal with is People. People with different personality. And people seemingly have forgotten what it is to be like to have some manner in their attitude. Being rude and impolite is their thing now. Fuck them, seriously. 

Love What I do

 

Dear Zach,

I know the fact that once I started working my ass off for living, I would not have time for recreation such as reading and blogging. I practically work from early in the morning til the late of night – it’s more than 12 hours of working period. “You’d understand someday.” said my colleagues.

The only day that I can take a day off is Sunday, which I spend my time constantly on my bed dozing off. Even my mum has told me to camp at the gym and sleep there instead of coming back home. It sounded funny but it’s true that I have spent more time in the gym than my home itself. The thought is unsettling at first but sooner I’ve gotten used to the working routine.

It’s tiring. But I love what I do. That’s all matter.

Bad Liar

 

Dear Zach,

I thought I was a good liar; covering up my sexuality, pretending to be normal as I can be. Wrong.

Now, suspicions are speculating around. Not sure when I will be uncovered from the truth.

Funnily, my female boss had known it a while ago and asked me for affirmation, and she was perfectly fine with it as 90% of her friends are one of us.

I’m glad she’s totally fine with it.

I hope everyone is fine with me.

Being Hot Doesn’t Mean You Are Right

 

Dear Zach,

Hot gay guys are so much drama queen. They can’t take criticism or request from someone so easily - especially when you politely ask him to re-rack the weights back to the original place.

There was this hot-shot gay guy, who is a popular fitness model and I had stalked him several times on Facebook, happened to work out in our local gym club for several times. Today, he used the weights, I expected him to be put it back where it was; turned out he just left the weights and walked to another machine. I walked up to him and politely asked him to re-rack, he scowled at me, giving me the sour face. I did my job to be assisting him to carry all the weights he just used back to the original place. If I were being an asshole, I would have stood there not helping him at all. Didn’t he learn the most important manner when he was young? Put it back when you used - the most basic and simple rule and yet some people just couldn’t implement it or stupid enough to understand it. When come to think of it, he’s now ugly as shit with his ugly attitude.

You think hot guys are cool; they are asshole in reality.

Dear Hot guys,

If you think you are too hot to do such slavery job, you may die in hell.

xx

It’s March

 

Dear Zach,

How’s everyone holding up?

It’s March and I knew the fact that I have not been blogging as frequently as I used to be. Partly because I have to put the blame on my new job. But I am loving it nevertheless.

Life is rather mundane. It’s pretty much living up to my expectation so far. And, most important thing of all, I am really happy for what I am doing for living.

Miss y’all.

xx

Alive

 

Dear Zach,

I am very much alive.

Thank you for your concern.

Oh! By the way, my life is not boring anymore.

xx 

Second Chapter Of The Year

 

Dear Zach,

Seeing the first page of calendar tear off, remaining only 11 months to go, reminding me how lightning fast the time had flown by. It was really unimaginable that one day you realized it’s new year; the next day you found out you are proceeding to the second chapter of the year. Sometimes I always wonder if such fast-paced living could be tuned down into a slow motion, let everything that is left unseen to be discovered.

Too fast.

Too quickly.

Too busy. 

Everything that worth to be seen had just flown by away like that.

People are aging in each passing day they don’t realize it; Friends are getting lesser interactive to the point that getting in touch with someone is the strangest thing to do; Family is growing apart when the size and mind of children is getting bigger and smarter; Kids nowadays are getting more attached to social medias rather than in conventional books and toys. This is what modernity all about – always getting endless updates, always be improving. How ironic life is.

Living in a money-oriented society, rendering people to become more and more frustrated and despair about living, it have totally given them an access to the next level of self-centeredness. I couldn’t bare the thought of how the future holds. I believe in 2 years time everything will remain the same old cycle, except the technology and internet where they take in charge of people living. Always and forever will be.

Before It Ends

 

Dear Zach,

Before ending the last day of the first month of 2015, I’d like to say that I am doing fine now. I am currently waiting to start my new job next week. For real. There’s no turning back since I had signed the agreement few days back. All I have to do is to be looking forward what will be coming next.

When I looked back to the past weeks I felt like it had been forever since I left my previous job. Three weeks felt like three months. When I scrolled down the Whatsapp archive only to have realized the last conversation between me and my ex-seniors was almost two weeks ago. I can’t help the way I feel sentimental about everything we did together – standing under the hot sun, chasing people to listen to us for 30 seconds top. Life is never boring working there. Sometimes I wonder if I had made a right choice leaving the first company I had ever joined or what will I have become in the space of two weeks. If we knew then what we know now, life will never always be that unpredictable. But part of me do know the fact that I wouldn’t excel in that path I chose at the first place. Not sure why but I’ve got the feeling I wasn’t belong there nor the place welcome my presence. I just did what my heart intuit me. Sometimes you have to listen to your heart wants what it wants. Logical thinking kills and create fears. But I never feel regret joining them. Indeed, I had learnt so much in the space of three weeks I felt like I had learnt everything in 3 months. Of course, what I learnt from the past should be bringing forward to new reality, and implement it. I will definitely miss those days and them no matter how far I will have come along. They are and will always be my great teachers.

Now, I will just have to enjoy the remaining days before the hectic days of working life kicks in. Happy Weekends!

xx

No Choice Is The Best Choice

 

Dear Zach,

Saying how fast the time flew by is the most underrated statement of the year. Last Monday, I went to work, involving myself into the immensely enthusiastic environment which I was urged to participate in as I had no intention and was in reluctance to do so, and deciding whether to quit the job for my future sake; Now, here I am, jobless. I couldn’t imagine how drastic thing has turned out. In spite of the argument and silent treatment I had endured from my parents, eventually they caved in and, anyhow, support in whatever I like to do. 

Since they support me, I did not think too much then. Especially thinking whether or not should I give up this PT job and look for another one. There’s a split second I intended to do so. But despite being told there’s not much of a prospect so many times, I was like “Fuck you. My life, my choice.”. I don’t really care about what people would think of me. Be it a degree holder with science background whereby I would have a better career prospect in this field than the new one, I just don’t care. Life is too short to stuck in what it has been planned ahead. It’s time to take a risk and be different – make a difference in my life. I have known the road of being a fitness instructor would be totally winding. It’s not straight to the winning road. There would be up and down, left and right, and mistakes after mistakes for us to explore – especially I have zero knowledge in fitness field.

Well, it’s all about the choice, whether we want it or not. No choice is the best choice, quoted from my very dear senior in my previous company. When there is only one choice left in your life and no any better way, you would have to take it for whatever it takes. There’s where you can be very focus in one direction. Don’t think too much. It gives you doubt and insecurity. Be confident in what you do as long as you are doing the right thing.

Indeed, when I stop thinking too much, I’ve become more confident in my choice made. I admit that along the way I have lost my self-belief – something I always used to say. Let there be obstacles that obscure my way. If I work my way toward the top, I believe someday I will be the bird soaring in the sky.

What Am I To Do With My Life?

 

Dear Zach,

Thing between me and my parents is getting better. Though there’s undeniable fact that the barrier between us is still remain standstill. I don’t blame them – at least they still talk to me nevertheless.

I did mention that I am an overthinker – a person who tend to think too much. Well, I’ve been having so much insecurities and doubts for my future – in terms of career prospect I would say. Even though I mentioned that I didn’t want to stay in the office doing the same old shit for everyday, every month, or every years, I can’t help but feeling this kind of career is where the promising prospect comes into place. I ask myself everyday, Do I really want this kind of job? So that my dream is at least reachable?

It’s true that the salary of most office job is relatively higher than being a fitness instructor itself. I’ve read about articles about the pros and cons of being a fitness instructor and it usually shows rather more cons than pros itself. Fear kicking in my gut and I wonder if I should change my decision before it’s too little too late. But the only thing to convince me that there’s good prospect in this career is the articles I have read is statistically proven in USA itself – not in Malaysia.

I know I shouldn’t think too much. It’s really tiring to think too much about this. The reason why I chose PT is because I don’t want to do boring office job. But boring office job gives you higher salary than you would expect. I mean there’s always something bad and good in one decision. It’s not always perfect and granted for my wish. But the question is: Does my dream is still reachable regardless what job I choose? Do I really want this job? The answer is Yes.

What’s stopping me? I have no idea.

How am I to know what’s right?

A Whatsapp Message To My Mum

 

Dear Zach,

“mum, I know you and dad are very disappointed in my choice of career right now. But I just want to let you know that I am still young and fresh-graduated, I still want to explore different options of career to find what it seems fit to me. Not that I don't want to work in the office, I do. I believe this opportunity will always be there forever until we die. Life is too short and I want to try out different thing, dipping myself in the seawater to see the world. I am not as old as gor gor 28 this year. He has left no choice to continue to work the job he supposed to be. But I am still young, wasting a year or two would not make any harm to me because that's when I will get to know what job is suitable to me. It is true that I enjoyed studying biotech in college for the sake of knowledge. But when comes into reality, it isn't showing much promising prospect in career - that of course doesn't include the sales and marketing part. I have been offered a few positions last time which I had told you about, there are very tempting and attractive, but my interest wasn't there. I didn't accept it because I know sooner or later I will quit eventually. I didn't really want to disappoint you by my quitting. For the past 3 weeks, I had learnt a lot. I didn't want to quit at the first place. But when comes to consideration of you and dad, I decided to quit and find another one which has a basic salary at least. Mum, i know you want me to follow exactly what you have in mind - work what I had studied. I know you knew me better than I know myself, I have the 5-minutes syndrome. But please, let me and myself venture into different career path. Even if I fail, I will still come back home to you and dad, and start whole new again. Let me make mistakes, let me fail in life. I know you and dad are very protective. I can't help the way i feel. I know you both love me very much. I am very blessed to have you both in my life. You have your right to worry about me, but, mum, I am not a boy; not yet a man.. this is the time where I should venture myself into something different. Who knows in future I might excel in that? I know you and dad are very upset of my demeanor 2 nights ago. I hereby apologize for what I said. I know you and dad will have no idea what to say to the relatives about my job, don't worry , I will have it handled. Please, don't be embarrassed of your son for doing something he wish to do. You both should be proud of your son for wanting to take risk in life and be the man you both and I want to be. I am sorry and love you both. :)”

xx

I Quit My Job

 

Dear Zach,

I quit my job.

No. It’s not that my boss doesn’t like me. Neither my sales results was showing bad. Is because my job has no basic salary but has high commission rate.

But all comes down to the typical parental objections against my job - a strong one.

We had a huge argument about my job nature which was totally unacceptable for a degree holder to do – according to them. I should work according to something there is in relation to what I studied in college, they said. I should look for oversea jobs, and there’s future in oversea, they said. I don’t wish to continue what I did in college in my career itself, I said. I was accused of being rude to them by reasoning to them in raising my voice a little bit, they said.

They are not even being supportive at the first place, so why I should continue doing something I like that they don’t. The reason they were being so angry about me is because they said that I wasted a hefty amount of money in getting that stupid degree which doesn’t seem fit in my choice of career. That they feel very disappointed in me. That they had high expectation on me. That they would rely on me. That all their hopes on me had just evaporated.

I’ve told them I don’t want to work in office job because it’s really boring to me. Apparently they were not listening to me. Still being upset about my demeanor and choice of career.

Before resigning, I went for interview in Fitness First. And I didn’t expect I got hired to be Personal Trainer. When I got home, I broke the news to them, and they flipped. That’s where the huge argument began – saying low basic salary, no future, high-ended gym is always full of drug addicts (how and what the fuck did they read that from?).

Since the argument yesterday til now, we talked to each other less than 10 words. We are not talking to each other.

I sacrificed my job just for the sake of their objection against my job.

Conclusion, they care their dignity more than me as their son himself.

Vulnerable

 

Dear Zach,

Hey everyone! I had survived through the midst week and am still surviving and feeling ever stronger – not sure if I am stronger than I think or pretend to be someone I am not.

I still have doubts in my capability in this job handling. It’s been 10 days since I started working. I faced challenges everyday but not every time I could overcome it. Most of the challenges are rejection, especially when you got rejected by 30 persons per day. How would you feel?

Today, I got rejected by more than 30 persons. Needless to say, my result’s showing sucks. I tried to hold back my tears while standing in front of the bank, waiting and trying every ounce of my energy to stop customers with a fake smile plastered on my face, but to no avail. I keep telling myself, Stay strong, be positive. As the more I got rejected, the more despair I had become. There’s a split second I wanted to give up and go home – I didn’t. I tried my hardest to stop every person walking pass by me when there’s only 2 minutes left til cutoff period.

I picked my stuff and walked back to my car, ignited my engine, laid back to take a deep breath. My eyes were brimming with warm tears and my voice chocked.

After holding back my tears for 10 days, I’ve finally let down the side of my vulnerability. 

Me Against The Tides

 

Dear Zach,

My parents are very against of my job nature. Yup. I am doing outdoor sales that I have to be standing outside the street asking for people to sign up. No one in the world would want to do that because of embarrassment that one have to endure. When I was asked to go on field on the second day, I was nervous and couldn’t articulate the script I have remembered to pitch the customers. I jumbled up my speech and ended very badly for the day. I know one couldn’t be genius in one day. The next day, I tried harder to approach customers, and completed my presentation in full of mistakes. I learnt from the mistakes. And I can’t deny the fact that I was very frustrated because I was incapable of doing such simple task. But, my senior has told me that I must not lose my attitude and enthusiasm because our job nature requires such important basic elements to succeed.

Besides, I’ve gotten a lot of remarks about my tone of voice, facial expression, my posture, my work ethics and my confidence – it was all average as I expected. Or maybe below than average. I can’t put the blame on customers; I can’t put the blame on somebody else; I can only put the blame on me for not trying harder and for wanting the urge of proving myself I could do it alone without assistance – these have totally kill my day when I was got to be allocated at the very fine places where people can be easily signed up with us. It was day 6 – and my results were showing terrible. I was thinking if I was able to do that anymore or I was suitable for doing that anymore.

Today, my parents told me, let’s see if you can last for 2 months at least in your job. They always think I should be doing something they think I should be doing. Accepting this job offer to them is the biggest mistake to me – according to them. Because there’s no benefits or any sort of remuneration for me. But I accepted it because I see opportunity in this job. I disregard whatever negativity coming out from my parents mouth. I can’t deny the fact that not having their support in my is really hard as they are really against my job nature. And the failure I did for the past days had really brought me down to a whole new level of disappointment. But I bounce back up for trying my hardest by pitching to myself in the car while driving, taking shower in the toilet, even in my room doing roughly more than five times.

I don’t want to give up on this job. I know I could do it. It’s just matter of time to prove myself to my parents that they are very much mistaken. And I think I am slowly in love with my job already.

Never Say Never

 

Dear Zach,

It had been a roller coaster ride for the past 6 days. I basically had left my laptop untouched everyday after I came back home from work, feeling exhausted after long day of standing outside pitching to customers. I have learnt filthy much in the past six days. I have learnt to fail and failed to learn. I have got to know my mistakes so much that it starting to accumulate into huge big pile of mess inside of me. And the most frustrating and saddening thing was that I couldn’t even successfully close the targeted sales everyday. I was feeling useless and really disappointed in myself thinking I could have done better than I have expected.

Everyone in the company is surrounded by positive atmosphere. I dare to say that there’s no negative aura lingering around in there because no one wants to be that way – and my boss insists on being positive and happy before walking into the office. I was in shocked when I first came in there. Thinking people in here are all fake, high fiving in passing by, and smiling for no reason. When I realized that it wasn’t fake – it was me being judgmental at the first place. We have to be that way. Because in this kind of business, being negative and judgmental would basically kill your own career path along the way.

Being the always negative side of me, I have tried to change. I had tried not to give up easily. Everyday, I came back home feeling contented with something new I have learnt. I don’t feel boring at all. I have my reason to wake up every morning at 5.30 am, partly because I needed to skip the jam. I woke up feeling driven by the failure I had yesterday. I tried. And tried. And trying. My peers and colleagues never stopped to encourage me, give me advice, tips, and experiences they have to me. I realized everyone in this company started as who I am today. Know nothing about the job scope, feeling depressed about the failure I endured.

When I got to know about the story of everyone behind their success, I didn’t feel like giving up at all – I have to admit at one point I really do want to give up but I didn’t. Today, I didn’t not feel really much enthusiastic today because I lost my sales and was far away from my target sales. It sucks and I feel sucks. And now I have all the more reasons to work 10 times harder than anyone else. I need to prove that I can do what they can do; do what they can’t do.

I am not gonna cry. I am not.

xx

In 2015 … I will

 

Dear Zach,

1. I will gain 10 kg heavier of my current weight. It sounds impossible because it is impossible. I had tried gaining 5 kg last year but it failed. Miserably. So let’s get the stake higher and be impossible again.

2. I will monitor my expenditure by not spending on unnecessary items. Which probably impossible because these items I spent on are my modal kits and novels, my two favorite things, in which it will cost a quite amount of my money. There’s nothing unnecessary there but my expenditure will surely be increased.

3. I will try to stop swearing and being sarcastic. My job nature requires me to be highly professional by putting a good image on myself and behalf of the company. But that will not stop me from cursing in my car during the highly packed traffic hours.

4. I will smile. Constant smiling. Even though I will have a bad day. But I will not smile to people whom I make enemy with.

5. I will minimize the frequency of sleeping with guys. I try not to use the terms ‘sleeping around’ because it sounds too slutty of me. But, still. I can’t deny the fact that this whole sentence sounding as whoring as it can be. FYI, I am not.

6. I will be more socialized. I will try to initiate some random small talk with people. Hopefully, I won’t get slapped or spitted. But the notion itself is getting on me.

7. I will keep in touch with people that I had lost in touch. But their phone contacts have been long gone, that will have to wait for them to text me first. So, I will wait til then.

8. I will do a good deed as often as possible. Scientific proven that doing charitable work can make a happy human being. Please do not be mistaken by the meaning of it. It creates good mood; Not breeding a newly born human being.

9. I will appreciate and be grateful for what I will have and be given. Appreciation is the best foreplay.

10. I will speak less and listen more. This is highly applicable when your opponent is full of himself so that you can judge him silently.

11. I will be patient, calm, forgiving, rational, and tolerate with all the negativities … for the first time. If there’s a second wave of it coming, I won’t be so much a fucking sane person anymore, he will have another one coming from me. 

12. I will make this blog more interesting than ever. By interesting, it doesn’t mean that I will include my nude photos and selfies – I don’t take selfie anyway. I will write even more words than it already does. Just joking.

 

 

Not sure all above are doable. Let’s see.

xx

Purpose

 

Dear Zach,

When my mum and I were being sentimental about the past and skeptical about the future, I’ve thought what I will have become in 5 years from now. What will happen in this entirely brand new year?

It’s remained unknown.

“It’s another year again. I have no idea what will happen next. Or what will happen in next 5 years,” she said. I looked at her. She was looking through the window, contemplating about what the future holds on her. “Not sure who will be here, or who will be gone by then.” She sighed, turned her back and continued her housework.

A lump in my throat threatening to burst. She is unsure if she’s able to live through that milestone.

Life – it is scary.

I looked at her from her back. And I walked back to my room, and laid on my bed. Closed my eyes. 

I guess I have found my purpose of living in 5 years from now.