Figure Out

Dear Zach,

I've grown more and more depress in each passing day, thinking each tomorrow will be a new day of hope, brand new day to fight for - only to realize I actually have nothing much to fight for. I slept in early and woke up at 9 a.m. everyday in the morning. Considering it's healthy to me, I went to the gym at 11 a.m. It practically became my daily routine. You could envy all you want that I was having a good life of doing nothing - apart from wasting my time looking for job if that counts. Still, I feel worthless of doing the same thing all over again. My eyes were sore from looking very carefully into the job description in each and every single ads in jobstreet. Only to find out nothing really interest me much. I have zero knowledge in accounting, not to mention that I am very poor in math itself. Each of the ads signify that each candidate should have at least 3 years experiences to be able to apply the job. I couldn't care less about it I just sent my resume to it. I thought I have plan after I quit, telling myself I'd find a job better than previous one, interesting and fun, and medium payroll. Most importantly, I knew what I want. I knew then what I know now. It had been almost 4 weeks, I am lost - lost in the world of self-pity, confusion, and self-discovery. Everyday I sat there in my room, thinking what I want to do with my life. Every thing I ever wanted to be and have, just floating around in my subconscious mind, waiting for me to get it. But I don't even know where the stepping stones are. It's very frustrating that I thought I could hold it together, and follow my heart to wherever it will lead to. But only to realize it doesn't work that way. It doesn't even work that way. It all comes down to sense of logical and rationality. I was being logical and rational - I attended one interview (pathetically after I had sent it at least 20 apps, only one had called me for interview, yet this is the one I don't really hope to get a call from) and it went all sorts of wrong. I was stammered, nervous, unsure, and doubtful. I was asked if I really want to work in this industry, the worst part was that I silence for 5 seconds, or more, to give an answer saying that I could give it a try. But from my face they could tell I wasn't in a remote interest working for them. I was glad that they can tell from my facial expression; not coming out from my mouth which would be ended up being rude. After that, I went to my car, and sat in there for good 10 minutes, mentally slapping myself for being such a dumb ass in there. While I was on the way back home, I was mentally rewinding back to one of the phrase from one of the interviewers, "...you have to figure out what you want...". This hit me stone-hard because, honestly speaking, I couldn't even figure the fuck out what I really want. 

xx