2017

Dear Zach,

It's the final day of the year, I can't really help myself to actually write down the resolutions for the brand new year tomorrow. It's all about the changes made throughout the next twelve months. Self-improvement is a must; A solid plan to work toward my goal is mandatory.

2017 is about getting my shit together. Be me be myself. And not stuck my nose in other people's business. Remove social media except Facebook. And be minimalist. Be kind. Be selfish. Eager to learn. Always reading. Engage sex with men once a month. So there will be not much of sex to talk about. No job-hopping. And think positive.

Years And Years

Dear Zach,

It shook me so much when I came to realize that I have been blogging for almost 3 years and more. My age is increasing inevitably by year - not sure whether to laugh or to cry. That being said, I'm more than grateful to be able to open my eyes in every brand new day. It's nothing much to say about this year, really. Apart from the sex I had this year, it's basically mundane and, of course, with all the loss and found myself, and, thank God, I've found my passion throughout the winding road. Honestly, I spent more time at home due to the fact that I am jobless practically most of the time and being literally anti-social. I turned down coffee date, meetup, and movies. I always think all of these are unnecessity and still strongly do, because it wastes of money. So I decided to stay at home most of the time.

On the other note, it's quite saddened by the fact that there are only handful of active blogs left in my reading list. Most of them were inactive since last year. I think I'd have to do some spring cleaning.

I did a makeover for my blog template. Clean sleek.

My facebook is full of death news of Carrie Fisher and her mother. It's getting irritating.

And my newsfeed is about BKK white party. Guys posting pic about their body just to prepare for this party. Plain dumb tbh.

Summary Of The Year

Dear Zach,

1. I had plenty of sex. But less than 10 guys I had sex with. I can't remember. I've lost count.

2. I had raw sex with 3 guys this year. One is an asshole; One is an old fling; One is my friend from other continent. I've to admit that sex with them was mind-blowing.

3. I had sex-dated 2 guys. Both of which didn't last more than a month. And one of them has the smallest dick I've ever seen. Nice body. But still no.

4. I never had a proper date at all. Because their ultimate goal was to get inside my pants and fuck the shit out of me.

5. I had hooked up with 4 guys in the gym shower room. Four of them were Malay. Two of them have giant cocks to die for.

6. The oldest guy I had sex with was 50-year-old, whereas the youngest lad I had sex with was 18 year-old - I told myself whoever age lower than me is off limit, but he's exception, he has nice thick 6 inches dick and he fucked me real good.

7. I had sex with an aussie fellow with 7 inches cock. Thing got pretty nasty when having sex with him. But I liked it.

8. I did try to be top twice. It was a failure and I did not enjoy it at all.

9. I am using Hornet, Jack'd, and Tinder to get hook up.

10. I had blown numerous cocks throughout the year. Malay cocks are my favorite.

11. I had sex in the swimming pool shower room 6 times. Blowjob too many times.

12. I had sex with a straight guy from the pool who fucked the shit out of me so good.

13. I had sex with this Mister International whom he nudged me at Instagram. Hot body and shit but kinda sucks in bed.

14. I had hooked up with a hot straight supermodel 3 times but never had sex once. He enjoyed my sucking skills and always willing to spend 40 min travelling distance to my place whenever I booty call him. He has terrible kissing skill to be honest.

15. I had threesome twice this year. It was gone-with-the-wind fabulous. Need I say more, I was basically thoroughly fucked in the end.

16. I am officially a pure bottom.

17. I had left 3 jobs with unhappy ending.

18. I got my certification as international certified personal trainer with no proper job.

19. I am becoming more and more anti-social.

20. I spent most of my day at home. Ever refusing to go out.

21. I am forever finding the right job.

22. I read less than 10 books this year. My brain is rotting.

23. I'm getting more and more petty and impatient.

24. I hooked up more than I ever going out.

25. I spent most of my time on Instagram, leaving comment, exchanging nudes, and post sexually provocative pictures,

26. I didn't receive any present for my Birthday nor Christmas Day.

27. I didn't wish any of my friend for their birthday as I've been always reminded by facebook. It's annoying.

28. I spent most of my money in food wise.

29. I only look the best during my brother's wedding day. Suit up and all.

30. I invited guys back home for sex while my parents asleep at night.

31. I did post an ad on Craigslist for seeking sugar daddy. Twice. I was desperate.

32. I always took nap.

33. I had one achievement this year. Refer to no.18.

xx

Emerging of My Inner Hoe Cont. : Failure To Saying "No"

Dear Zach,

I went to the swimming pool as usual today for suntanning. Sadly, the sun wasn't strong enough to get heated up. By the time I reached the usual spot there were 2 guys already laying there nude. One of them has a perfect nice bubble butt i can't resist to steal glances at his ass. Fast forward to later, one fellow left and only left us both alone. I turned my back facing on my stomach with my naked ass. Moment later, I felt a movement by my side. Before I knew it, I was being sensually caressed on my ass. It was him the nice ass guy. I was about to say no to him. But it felt so good yet so wrong doing it in open public area. He basically touched every part of my back. Gropping my ass and thumbing my ass hole for more, sliding his hand underneath to get a touch my dick. To cut it short, he was furiously sucking my cock, boy he was hungry as fuck. By now, I let my guard down and enjoy being blowed so hard. I turned him over and rimmed his ass so hard. He's a bottom I guess. And I came in his mouth hard. 

None Of Your Business

Dear Zach,

He buzzed me after not talking to each other one month. Here how was it went.

See? He didn't even fucking bother to ask me how I am. He is thinking about sex with me. After one month I deserved to get such treatment? You are a fucking manager for fuck's sake. Can't you be more mature and sensitive about dealing with me?

Emerging of My Inner Hoe Cont. : Threesome

Dear Zach,

It was chilly out there with all the rain and shit. I was not in the mood of getting out of the house for gym or hang out. My phone buzzed and it was a hornet call from a guy who asked for threesome. Two tops were ready. I went to his place - a very high-ended place. I greeted them. Both of them were stark naked when i came out of shower. We had passionate kiss, sucking, and fucking. Both of them were on substances and I don't mind. I was thoroughly fucked. I had been fucked for whole 3 hours non stop by both of them taking turn 3 times. I came a whole river but they didn't. They said they took forever to cum. By the time I reached home, I was dead exhausted. And I still want more. 

Back To December

Dear Zach,

I woke up every morning with sense of emptiness. I didn't feel that I was lost in my career path. It just that I lost my job again. Gay hookup apps have been my constant need of my sexual satisfaction. I sent out my nudes to almost everyone I came across with hoping to hook up to pass time. I went to gym in the morning in hoping to create a better version of myself. Social medias have caught my full attentions rather than the books in the shelf. I found myself yawning after reading 2 pages of novel - this has never happened to me before. I have been book-hopping from one to another, unable to finish half of it. Swimming pool is my another leisure place for hooking up - hoping someone cute would suck me off and leave. I looked over the internet for jobs. Probably it's toward the end of the year. Not much of job vacancy is being advertised. This takes time i believe. I feel lonely sometimes. Few months ago i thought I found myself a partner, which turns out to be an asshole who just wanted my ass. And all these guys who chatted me up on Instagram/Facebook apparently wanted my ass too. I feel lonely and despair. And I took nap all the times.  

Emerging of My Inner Hoe Cont.

Dear Zach,

The sexual encounters have been unstoppable. I hooked up with a hot tanned guy at the pool few days back. I think he's been stalking me on Instagram and now that we bumped into each other. I can't resist to taste him. I was suntanning with my butt naked by the balcony, he walked up to the stairs and walked past me as I was nodding off. Moment later, I realized him he was there with his hot shot tanned body with dark trunk. We threw each other dirty glances but no bold enough to make a move. Fast forward later, he asked for my number and we sucked each other in his car. I cum in his mouth as a car purposely drove past by ours. He dropped me off at my car and promised to meet again.

Emerging of My Inner Hoe

Dear Zach,

Leaving my job has made a quite impact on me. I constantly feel horny all the time. When I was working on night shift, I got a lot of hookup message from Grindr/Jackd. All of which I couldn't manage to meet up due to my work nature. Now that I'm free and available, I am kinda attached to those apps in finding dicks. It's been 5 days since I left my job I have gotten 4 dicks, 1 of which was anal, the remaining was oral. I got all my hookup from Hornet, of which I met mostly were Malay guys, which suits my needs. Hornet is the only apps I could find all the malay guys in one place. I've sucked some pretty nice dicks at the stairs of the office and public toilets. Those lads are young as fuck. With those 6 inches dick, I couldn't care less about their look or physique to be honest. I was pretty much sending my nudes away to get response for dicking. My oral skill is much brushed up now. I enjoyed sucking Malay dicks so much I am craving for more now. 

Jobless Again

Dear Zach,

I left my job last Friday. I worked for 4 months and found out I wasn't up on par with their culture and standard they seem to be so proud of, I decided to leave. I was mentally tortured by my manager. it astonished me so much when a Superior can deliberately shout at you in front of members, condemn you, constantly look down on you for being unfit, trying anyway to insult you for being you and, worst yet, threaten you but all you can do is to say "sorry, it's my fault" to kill him with kindness. It was a total nightmare. I tried my best to keep up with their requirement. Still, they were not satisfied with me and decided to prolong my probation period for a month. I was very happy with my client. But the working environment is too unhealthy for me to grow. I had a huge row with the manager before I left. It was unpleasant one. Now I'm jobless again. Depression is creeping on me. 

Ignore

Dear Zach,

I got a text from him on last Saturday night.

"I miss you badly ..."

I read it. I did not reply.

On Tuesday, I got a text from him again.

"Babe! Are you still upset?"

I read it. I ignored it.

Did he honestly think by sending this kind of messages is meant for reconciliation? Did he honestly think I would cave in for that?

No. I won't. There was a split second I was gonna type back "I'm fine". I halted for a moment and thought about it long enough to erase the whole sentence.

If you miss me, why didn't you call? A simple gesture would make a huge difference. He knew I removed him from my social media. I guess he's trying to pick a fight with me over the text but to no avail. Ignorant is the best way of revenge.

At the mean time, I have suck some dicks. So I'm not your babe anymore.

I'm Just Sad

Dear Zach,

I'm just sad. Not saddened over being heartbroken, but the ugly truth about men. Why can't I have a proper and real liking of me being me over my ass? Why can't they just admit that they want my ass instead of fooling around with my feelings? I'm here struggling with my job meanwhile they just being insensitive about it. Does the problem lies on me? Am I not being aggressive enough? Should I be too obsessive?

I dated 2 guys this year. None of them lasted 3 months. Sole reason because they have all kind of excuses not to meet up.

I'm just sad. Saddened by the truth which makes me lose all the hope in men.

I'm So Over It

Dear Zach,

4 weeks. He didn't make a fucking effort to meet up nor a call to me, but still texted me how much he missed me. I didn't believe a single word he said. He used too-much-work as reason for not to meetup. I didn't believe him at all. Last Friday, he left work early to celebrate some special occasion with his bunch of best friends. This irked me so bad because he was willing to make some time for them but not for me. I confronted him; he was avoiding it. I made up my mind that I was gonna end it. I refused to text him first. On Monday, he asked why I was being so quiet all day. I retorted back:

"Since you are so happy with your friend who can spend time with you while I'm working. Go ahead then. Oh well, since I'm not convenient for your sexual needs, go ahead and find someone else then."

Since Monday, we didn't text each other. Yesterday, I removed everything associated with him from my life: Facebook, Instagram, Contacts, Pictures. I'm moving on. 

P.S: If you are happened to be reading this, Fuck you for having raw sex with me for the first time. You are the most untrustworthy insensitive asshole I've ever met. 

Ciao

Dear Zach,

I think we are slowly calling it quit. We didn't mention anything about it. But the way I acted toward him by delaying response to his text and being ignorant to him seemingly quite obvious. I hope he gets it. We have nothing to talk about over the text except those boring casualties. And I got bored easily. We didn't see each other for two weeks. He didn't make the effort to meet up because the sole reason of too much works on his plate. Either he's making excuses or really too much works, I don't know. I had sex on Tuesday night with a masseur I frequently visit. Technically speaking, I am cheating on him but I don't feel guilty at all. It's fine if he finds someone else. Cause I never really wanted to start a relationship anyway.

We'll See

Dear Zach,

We got along well since we met one month ago. We met up every Tuesday each week just to bond our relationship better. By bonding, we had sex. Both of us were dead tired when we met up at his place after work. Needless to say, sex was mind-blowing, but post-sex endorphin kicked in we both were exhausted already, too lethargic to talk. We texted each other each day, just to feel our virtual presence were there for each other; not enough to getting to know more about each other. He works 9-to-5 hours; I work in the odd hours and over the weekend. Which makes the meet-up to be fallen on every Tuesday night whereby it's the only day I could leave work early. I had once told him that my working schedule would not be able to accommodate him over the weekend, and I'm perfectly fine if he wants to call it quit. He said "okay." It doesn't mean anything. We never had a date since we met. We never had a quality time to sit down and get to know each other. I like him and he really likes me. But it's inadequate to get thing sustained longer. I wouldn't be surprised if thing between us fades away. 

What's My Status?

Dear Zach,

There's plenty of things I wanna pour out right now. But I don't think this is the time to say it out loud. I'm fine with my job. But there's something more than that going on right now. 

I've ordered a packet of HIV test kits online on Monday and I received it today. I can't wait to test myself to know my status after my last raw sex. I know it's not even 3 months yet, but I just wanted to know. And Thank God. 

Life Too Short

Dear Zach,

You left the world on 3rd of June. But I got to know it the next day from Instagram while I was at work, an inkwell picture of you and a guy together, obviously you both were having selfie by the angle of the camera showing. The picture gave me sense of emptiness - dull and faded. With the description below saying " ... hope you enjoy yourself on the other side .. " couldn't help to pry more info from the owner of the picture. 

Our first virtual exchange was in Instagram. We liked each other pictures. Soon, we found ourselves chatting over in chatbox, talking about hooking up. It was a long overdue meetup. After I left my job on October, we started hooking up for six weekends. You were a bottom; but I couldn't resist to hook up with you because of your ass. That were the times I enjoyed being top the most. I spend most of my weekend at your place, having sex, and playing PS4. We talked a lot about each other. I slept pretty well beside you; it was the only time I manage to sleep well in a stranger's bed. I always snuggled behind you, kissing your neck, and fall deeply asleep. You knew I love to eat. You always prepare some snack before I came to your place. You swallowed my cum and I loved that. You gave me the best blowjob I've ever had in my life: you kneel down in front of me and started doing your expert blow job skills while I was playing PS4 shooting away the bad guys. " focus on the game, let me focus on your dick." You were a very eloquent guy. You have your strong opinion of everything you believe in. And we both read a lot and that made us had something in common. 

As the week went by, I didn't come to your place quite often. You seemed to detached from me by ignoring my texts. At one point, I was fed up and couldn't be bothered by you anymore. 

You were diagnosed with leukemia on May. I heard that your condition got worsen by days. It was shocking as few months back I browsed your profile and came across of you having sex with a new guy. I didn't know what to say.     

It's not joking when someone said "life is too short to be unhappy". 

You left the world at the age of 32. And I'll always miss you. 

xx

Fall

Dear Zach,

Few days ago, I came across a post in Facebook about one of my ex-classmates in University, who is from Sri Lanka, currently working in a science industry, that she recently got to publish herself an scientific journal. It's a big achievement for her to able to involve in scientific publishing. As a friend of hers, I was genuinely happy for her achievement. Even though it was a stepping stone for her to achieve something great in her own country, I couldn't be more proud to have known her as my ex-classmate. Her post has garnered more than hundred likes with thirty over heartfelt congratulatory comments. 

Another great friend of mine, who was also an ex-classmate of her and me, has becoming an interdependent entrepreneur himself. He had launched his own online tuition websites for the past years, learning and biding in Forex trading, and creating business relationship with foreign country through online IT business. He has published 3 scientific journals himself locally, got awarded for his mini innovation for his own project during Uni time, and was able to present his work in front of those influential people in local. I couldn't be more proud of his achievements so far. We would occasionally bump into each other in the gym I frequent to. And we would carry out our conversation with our recent happening. I told him about my jobs quitting and found my new calling in my career. We both have one thing in common that both of us will never gonna step foot into science field ever again. He has received positive feedback from Canada for his Master's. "Just fucking leave this hopeless place and start your life there." He chuckles as I told him. 

A few of my ex-classmates are doing well in their academic pursuit. I was asked if I were still interested in pursuing my Master's. "I scored bad CGPA I don't think further study would do me better in life." I've to admit that I'm doing no better than them: I was job-hopping. Figuring out my life. No achievement. Could barely feed myself. Of course, part of me was actually feeling extremely envious of them. When come to think of it again, it's part of life-cycle - you need to learn to fall in order to learn to get back up. I'm not sure how long I will be falling, but I'm pretty sure when there's right time, I'll get back up in no time.       

Job And Me

Dear Zach,

My new job has been treating me fine. I couldn't have been grateful for doing something I am passionate about. I workout a lot. I workout in the morning at my usual old gym; In the afternoon, I am required to workout at my workplace. I have been warned - twice, indirectly - for not working out at the workplace. They thought I don't like to exercise. So I do weight-training in the morning, cardio in the afternoon. I put up this facade so they don't have the reason to warn me again. My manager has been very kind to me - the only requirement he wants me to do is to train myself hard enough to look extremely fit. I'm trying my best to be. I'm practically eating the same prepared meal, with complete portion of carbs and protein in low fat, every single day for my own diet. I wanna vomit when I see the same dishes everyday. It's tough but I believe it's worth it.

I have been reading less. The only day I'm off from work is wednesday. And it's the only day I could get my errands done and spend the remaining hours to study as much as I could for my PT development exam. Hence, I have not much time left for casual reading.

I have been trying my hardest to abstain from sex. I always get hard-on during work. And I masturbate at home after work.  

My Sexual Preference In Men : Men Over 40

Dear Zach,

I've always had a thing for older men - typically men over 40. Or close to 50. Especially those health-conscious type of guy, they tend to spend more hours in the gym than anywhere else, without fail their existence has become a part of daily routine in the gym. I would always search for guys around that age in gay apps. Most responses are positive. They are always into sex given the age they are now as most guys prefer younger guys or men below 40. Surprisingly, I found out recently that the tide has changed and men over 40 are the major target right now. It's believed that they are either wealthy at that given age or no doubt the masculinity is the main attraction. I'm also a huge believer that men over 40 have big cock. 

I've always been asked that what sort of guys do I always have sex with. They would be surprised by my preference. I had never hooked up with guys below my age, don't fancy hooking up guys at my age, don't like hooking up with guys around my age, but with the exception of owning a hung cock. 

I met this caucasian white guy from Australia last December. He's over 40, tall and broad upper body. We met up at this hotel nearby my place as he has just landed Malaysia few days ago for work. The sex was great! He screwed me with his 7 inches long and thick cock inside of me for good ol' 30 min. We met up again for the next 3 days before he shifted to live in the town. We keep in touch since then. We occasionally have sex once or twice every month. It's either he hit me up or I do. He's always available for sex. But we never had bareback sex once. 

I met this Malay guy in September 2014 when I was an intern. I hit him up in PlanetRomeo. After a few exchanges, we met up at his place. He's 50 , slightly shorter than me, and has nice tan complexion, lean toned physique at his age, and 7 inches dick waiting for me. He was horny as fuck. He screwed me hard and deep. And it was satisfying. We had multiple sex over the month. After that, the sex become less frequent. Last December, he hit me up on Facebook, and he suggested to meet up again. We had sex multiple times over the 3 months. Then it become less frequent. Whenever I hit him up, he always has an excuse. The most intense sex I could remember was on 31 of December 2015, he pull off the condom, and slowly slide into me with his thick cock. He even asked me to call him "papa". "Papa gonna fuck your ass so hard now." He whispered in my ear while I was being screwed over in missionary position.  Ever since then, both of us got paranoid and we decided to stick back with safe sex.   

tbc. 

Raw 2

Dear Zach,

Oh God! I just had raw sex with a regular guy that I didn't meet up for so long. I remember the last time I had raw with was so last year. What was I thinking?! I'm so gonna confine myself in these 3 months time for not having sex anymore. After sex, I keep probing him with question whether he has done any bareback for the last few months, any sign of frequently vomiting, fever, and any discomfort.

"No. I'm healthy as fuck." He said.

His dick seems to be clean without any sign of infection. Feeling guilty. Maybe I am being paranoid?

Raw

Dear Zach,

It's true the fact that when you try to think with your dick, everything in your own principle would go haywire. I'm always a person who cautiously play safe when comes to sex. When being suggested for raw sex, I'd decline that offer. There were times I found myself guiltily breaching my orifice with some raw action. Albeit it was less than 30 seconds of unprotected intercourse, I would feel guilty as fuck the next day. Having that being said, these two guys I have raw are some regular coincidental bump-up. 

The first one was few weeks back in the swimming pool shower room I usually go to. As usual, we both knew what else to do when either one of us is in the shower room - we got down dirty. He was being suggestive by poking his cock at the entrance of my anus, I obliged by perking my ass to welcome him. I thought it was fun to tease him that way. In just one swift move, he has plunged into me. I didn't protest. But he pulled out quickly as if realizing it wasn't right to do that. But that's too late to realize that. 

The second one was happened today. We both bump into each other occasionally in the gym. Whenever that happen, we would always do naughty stuff in the shower room, there would be our casual spot. Today, we both agreed to meet up in the gym shower room earlier than usual. We made out, suck each other. When he turned me around, my ass facing his face, he rimmed me hard. Then he tried to enter me with his hung cock. I didn't resist. He entered smoothly and humped me for a few seconds and pulled out. 

I wouldn't say that I trust them the most. There's a risk I would have to bare. If a less than 30 seconds of bareback would get me in trouble, then my life would be fucked.  

Expose

Dear Zach,

It didn't take long enough for my co-workers to figure out about me when one of them is good at prying info out of somebody. She asked me when I was having my dinner in the pantry, "So do you have girlfriend? Hang on! Are you gay?" I did not instantly protest. In fact, I let the silence fall. I did not answer to her question. I turned the question back to her, "What do you think?". With that, I'm highly suspicious to her. Within days, seemingly everyone at the front desk knew about it - thanks to her fucking unzipped mouth. They seems fine with it even though they highly think I'm, in fact, gay. But they wanted the truth out of me. That to reassure their suspicion is true. One of them trying to test the water but to no avail. One of my co-workers, a malay woman, whom she looks so conventional in terms of dress code, surprised me with a question "Are you gay?". She asked in hushed voice.

"What do you think?" I asked her. 

"I'm fine with it. Don't worry about it. If you are gay, then be it. No point hiding." She said nonchalantly.

"Then yes. I am." From there, it seems to have brought us closer as she's the only one who knows about me. We talked a lot even though we have sort of different dialect. But I'm glad she's very accepting in this sense given the fact that she's a full-fledged Malay. 

I'm pretty sure one of the male trainers knows about me. Because our conversation has been lessen and he seems to have avoided me in engaging any conversation whenever we were alone, in which I couldn't be bothered about that, I'm not much a talker either. 

I'm not afraid of people knowing me. But I do respect people who respect me in terms of my sexual orientation.    

Month Of Augustus

Dear Zach,

Starting anew is somewhat refreshing yet disturbing. But it gives you hope - a hope to start afresh in your life. Drop down the old bad habit, move away the trash under your bed, leave behind the dirty trails of bad memories, forget and forgive people. God know it ain't easy job to carry out but one has to, especially when comes to forgiving. It takes ample of time to change all aforementioned, it's possible to be done not within short period of time. 

It's a new month with new job. I've decided to make changes to myself, partly for my job's sake, for my own good. I can't help but to realize that the next 4 months will be rolling in as fast as blink of eyes. And I also can't help but to realize that I did nothing significant for the past 8 months but to have gained significant experiences in quitting my job, rewriting my resume, and seeking for job. I hope it won't repeat again. My mum even warns me not to give up on this job so soon. "Quit again, you are out of this house." she said. 

My new job is good. My manager said to me that the only thing I need to do is to get fit to get client. Simple as that. I've been eating a healthy diet for the past 2 weeks. It's quite tough to make changes in terms of diet. But these changes are necessary. But working hard in the gym, and eating hard in the kitchen. Hopefully, by end of the year I would be in great shape. 

Update

Dear Zach,

It's headed towards end of the month. So much has happened I couldn't put my thoughts in words easily as it seems. I got an offer as Fitness Instructor in a local gym club and I accepted it on the spot without hesitation. Because I am done waiting and worrying about what if. I want to work that work. And I also enrolled a professional fitness trainer development course and it will be starting next month. Everything seems to be in great place and I couldn't be more happier. I told my parents about my plans to work in Fitness and Health industry. They couldn't complain because they are so done seeing me miserably figuring what the actual fuck I want, they let me go to have my own way. I couldn't be any more grateful for their utmost supports in this matter. In future, I will be taking a lot of health and fitness related courses for my own good. I wanna build a career out of it. Right now, I need to focus one thing at a time - my PT development course, my job, and my body. I have a created a new blog to record my daily tracking progress changes of my physique. I'm dedicated to that to see how it goes in few months time. 

xx

Newsfeed

Dear Zach,

My news feed is currently flooded with "Hilary-Trump" campaigns. Every time I scrolled down my Facebook page, undoubtedly I would be seeing either Trump or Hilary across my feeds. Apparently, I don't care. Pictures of semi-naked men have always to be a favorite of my daily dose of caffeine; Now they are annoying as fuck. Status of people being love, grateful, and tirade complaint of everything and anything has been setting my teeth on edge. I keep getting message notification from this indian guy. We did chat for a while back then. Now I ignored him. The more I ignore him, the more tenacious he is. So I blocked him. And I keep getting request about swimming inquiry. Though it seem to be a good thing, but their intention weren't good enough. I have been asked for pictures. Why the fuck do you need a fucking picture of me when your intention is to learn swimming skill? It doesn't make any fucking sense, does it? Why? What if I am fat guy? Would you still want to have a lesson with me? If you are thinking with your dick when inquiring about something, I will not be polite to you. I am under no obligation to serve any of my privacy for your own viewing pleasure for that matter. I have been fielding booty calls like a CIA. I had too much sex last month; I had a few. I think my orifice is getting tighter with squats and hip-thrust. But I didn't make a good use of it. It's been a long month for me. 

Clear

Dear Zach,

I've set my goal. And I know what I want to do now. With the courageous words from my family and friends, even stranger who knows you for few hours talking about doing what you like to do for your own good, couldn't be any more helpful in steering my doubts away. My mind is clear with what I'm gonna do. And now is up to how I am gonna do it. I've enrolled a training course for next month. It was full of doubts but I took the chance. I can't worry so much to take risks. God will lead the way. It's now or never. 

xx

Annual STD/HIV Screen

Dear Zach,

It was quite a turmoil to me since my last HIV screening test in the car under the dark, knowing how grateful and blessed I am to be given a chance to live after knowing the fact I had sex with an unknowingly HIV-pos carrier. It was back in February when I had the test. After five months since then, I decided to get my full health check again yesterday. After running my errand, I went to the infamous Klinik Bangsar South - a clinic that provide most efficient and reliable screening service. I told the female doctor in my lower voice that I wanted to do full screening test for STD & HIV. She speaks quite loud though. I told her I had sex with men. She explained and advised in terms of protective sex in benefits of my health and everyone's health while my blood being drawn. The latest patient she told me she had diagnosed with HIV was just last month - he's just only 19-year-old. Everything was done in 5 minutes. It was rather quick. No urine needed. Only my blood required. I was told the report will be emailed to me the next day in the evening. I got my report today at 6 pm - I'm tested clean. She did also explain in the email some vaccination needed in near future which I find very helpful. I was quite surprised that she even took up some time to write a quite extensive email to patient, in which I find her very reliable and responsible. Here's what she wrote to me:

Pls see your attached report.No STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases/Infections) found. HIV Negative.Noted that you require 3 shots of Hepatitis B vaccination to be fully immunised at 0 months(now), 1 month later and after 6 months time.After which, you will be immunised for life against Hepatitis B virus.Do Consider getting Gardasil HPV vaccination for yourself & your partner as it prevents against genital warts, Cervical & other genital cancers in both men & women.Requires 3 doses of this vaccine to confer lifelong immunity against HPV( human papilloma virus).You may collect your original report from the clinic at anytime convenient,if you need it.Be a Safe Sex Ambassador, educate your friends & family regarding the importance of using Protection & Safe Sex.You can make a difference in reducing the spread of STDs & HIV.Stay safe. Use protection!! It saves lives!Don't forget to repeat your the HIV test 3 months after your initial exposure to recheck HIV Status after the incubation period.(if applicable) See you next year for your annual STD Screen!My advice to you:When going into a new relationship or  if there are any suspicions about your partner's fidelity/ sexual activities, it is wise for a couple to get screened. You have the right to choose Clean & Safe Sex.Kindly Recommend us to your friends/partners so that they too get tested and be safe.Thanks. 

The price for the checkup is RM300. Well, I don't mind paying extra for a good service.

To Do List

Dear Zach,

Things I want to do:

1. To be Fitness Instructor Certified

2. To be Yoga Instructor Certified

3. To be a Freelance Story Writer.

4. To create a health and fitness blog to help people in need.

5. To create a blog for local people to share their own story.

6. To volunteer at the beach for a month

7. To learn Japanese language as my prime skill to get to work in Japan

8. To take IELTS exam

9. To teach English in Japan.

10. To write a book.

11. To get a job to cover all costs above.

How To Live

Dear Zach,

Technically speaking, I was a let-go. But they decided to give me 2 options, which was either I resign by myself or I would have to serve a month for behavior observation, in which both options would eventually lead to one outcome: termination. They talked to me in not very nicely soft spoken way to maintain their highest form of filthy pride which makes me gag. I just don't get it as to why people working in the managerial position are so pathetically weird? Do they really think they have the entire reign in controlling people the way they act? I was very disappointed to have wasted such great opportunity to be working with such people in a reputable company. My ex coworkers are very supportive and envious on my decision in leaving, as though I was leaving on behalf of them. All in all, it's not worth it. 

Now, I am back to square one: feeling lost. Completely and utterly lost. I don't really know what I really want. I have my own dreams. All the dreams I have are all related back to money. Money is always an issue. I wanted to travel to find myself. But finding yourself in travelling would cost you a bomb. Not a sensible idea i would say. They said: "use your talent to sell". Ironically, I have no talent. No special skill. No in-depth experience in specific field. And indebted with shitload of loan with no job to pay. Good god, I still have home to live in. So, what am I to do with my life?      

In the nutshell

Dear Zach,

Alright. I've quit my job. Now it's time to find another one. The cycle goes like that. It is the 4th time in 2 years I've quit my job just like that. I've grown used to it. In fact, it seems to be a norm to me. Here are some facts I've gotta admit after working in office:

1. I hated working under stress. I don't handle it well even though I lied during the interview saying that I could handle it well. I lied. I didn't handle it well in the end. 

2. I always scowl when I work seriously. I was often mistaken that I have attitude problem - which utterly pisses me off. That's my fucking face. What do you expect me to change? A facelift, bitch?

3. I hated wearing office shirt. It looks good on me but I don't feel good at all. Simply because I sweat profusely under the sun. 

4. I hated having a female manager. Yes I'm sexist because I have bad encounters with 2 female managers who are as dry as nun's crotch. 

5. I hated to report to my superior for what I did for the day. Reporting means you gonna explain what you did. Explaining means you gonna tell her exactly what you did. She would look at you as if you were so dumb for doing such thing for the day. And then there set off the heated conversation between me and the superior, trying to right the wrong for me; wrong the right for her. She would accuse me for having "attitude" problem. Since when giving my own opinion is fucking equivalent to that? Which lead to number 6.

6. I hated accusation. And having a conversation with my superior. 

7. I hated having deadline. If you don't meet it, you would be so dead. 

8. I can't sit still. My ass is either always on constant penetration or always off the seat. 

9. I hated office environment. It just so not me.

10. I hated the fact that I earn peanut for working 9 hours. 

conclusion: I will never ever step foot in office job. It's never too late to know what I want now. 

2nd Charm

Dear Zach,

When they always say, "third time is the charm". But for me, second time would be more than enough to be a charm. It didn't take long for me to decide to leave my current job when they ask me in the so-called discussion turned out to be an interrogation. They left me no choice. I quit. I told myself I hated working in office. I hated to be under pressure especially working in office. For the entire month, I've never been happy. Never ever have I ever been any more unhappy for so long. I don't like following orders. Or being ordered. Or barking down the order. All in all, I hated working in office. That's it. I'm not gonna work in office anymore. It's wasting my time. Gonna find something better.  

Supermodel

Dear Zach,

Every guy wants him. He's 6ft tall, very handsome, and has a body to die for. He's one of the runner up for international male model search contest. He has over 12K instagram followers. All of his pictures mostly are naked-waist-up. He always like my pictures for the past few months. I'm not sure what he has gotten into him for liking me. But I appreciated his sweet gesture. I was unfazed by his pictures. Mainly I'm not sexually attracted to him despite of his oozing hotness every guy wants to taste. Fast forward to today, he has been asking me for a hook up since last week but I didn't really bother to meet up, til today I just gave it a go to see what he got. I reluctantly drove all the way to his place. When the door swung open, I was faced with a tall, broad-shoulder, pale, and a very handsome guy. Good god I wonder how on earth did I get the chance to meet him in real. He was unusually quiet and shy, which surprised me as all of his picture didn't much justify the side of him I was encountering. We laid on bed, cuddling each other, kissing slowly, made out hungrily, and gave him a deep throat. He loved it. When he was fully naked, I was quite flabbergasted. His chiseled body. His abs. Oh god what a great stress reliver after a day of working from home. He entered his 6 inches upward-curved cock into me slowly. And slowly getting the pace up a little. I moaned so hard in meeting every pound of his. He's one of the few guys who could make me moan so loud with each hard slow-paced pound. He like it slow but enough to crave for more from him. I like that. He came hard inside of me. I didn't come. I just cuddled into his arms and rest, listening to the heavy breathing sound on his chest. We didn't talk much. I guess he just wanted sex that's all. Still, til now, I am just not really attracted to him. 

2 In 1

Dear Zach,

Having sex twice a day in the mid-week was such stress-reliever. I was on so much burden and I can barely to breathe properly. After work, I met up with the guy I met last Sunday in the public restroom across the busy road of my living area. I wasn't  planning to have sex there as my head was in throbbing pain. But the idea of having sex in public restroom is thrilling. So I decided to have a go with it. We went into one of the cubicle in the rest room, made out intensely, shirt ripping off, me in my formal pants down under my butt cheek, and then he slide his hung cock into me. It was intense. I guess the feeling of being caught in having sex in public premise makes us both wanting for more. 30 minutes later, he came hard but I didn't. I went to gym after that.

When I returned home from gym at night, I got a text from a guy in Jack'd I've been texting with for the entire day. We talked about meeting up as he was happened to have a day off on that day. I told him to come at night while my parents asleep. He was fine with it. After my parents went to bed, I told him to come and, 20 minutes later, he arrived at my doorstep. He's slightly shorter than me. Early 30s. Athletic built. Which turned me on instantly as much as I was tired from the first sex I had a couple hours ago. We sneaked into my bedroom quietly. We cuddled for a moment, had a small talk, and then we started to make out. Boyyy he was so hungry as though he hasn't eaten for days. He was such a good kisser - slippery and wet. My lips was almost chipped off as he trying to swallow my mouth into his. He has good 5 inches dick. And a nice set of chest. He plunged into my hole smoothly as my ass has been ripped apart hours ago. He moved his move, fast and hard, varying different position in any possible way to fuck and make out with me at the same time. He's good. We fucked for good ol' 45 minutes. He came a river on my body. Hot and slickly. Then we cuddled on my bed, resting, almost dozing off. Before we realized, it was 12 am. He got dressed and left. Before I hit the sag, I sent him a text saying how great he was in bed just now. 

I can't believe how much a slut I've become.  

The Time I Had Sex With My Student

Dear Zach,

Having sex with your student is a big no-no to me. It's so unprofessional. But when your student trying to flirt with you by sending his pic wearing a skimpy trunk, outlining his semi-hardon, asking you whether or not if it's appropriate to wear this to public pool, you just can't help to zoom in and admire his long cock. Of course, I was stressful, frustrated, and horny when he inquired me about swimming lesson. He's not my student yet so I think it's still fine. Not sure how the conversation steered into meeting up for sex instead. We met at the most quiet place of swimming pool shower room where I sometimes go to. As expected, it's Ramadhan period, the swimming pool was expected to be empty. He came around 15 minutes later when I was dipping in the pool. I nudged him to the direction of the changing room. We then entered one of the clean shower cubicle and started our business. When he stripped himself down to his waist line, he was wearing a white G-string and a cock ring, which accentuated his huge bulge. No doubt, minutes later his bulge was grown into 7 inches thick hung specimen that I have been craving for the past weeks. We made out under the cascading cold shower. His 7 inches cock grinding against mine. Me sucking his down to my throat, fits my mouth so damn well. He pushed me against the solid marble wall, and entered his hung cock into my tight ass. I didn't moan for pain and he liked it so much. We fucked under the shower for good 20 minutes. When we parted our ways, he texted me "it was nice fucking you. I think this place is a good place for swimming. We could have sex after the lesson next time. ;) See you soon." 

Nightmare

Dear Zach,

My chest feels tight and I can barely breathe. And then I realize that I have been holding my breath. I slept poorly at night; Waking up before 7 am to come to realize another dreadful day at work. Almost a week now since I started my new job. First day was fine. Then it got worsen by each day. Slowly getting to know the ugly truth about my superior, a fucking bitch. Oh God. What kind of life does one to possess to always have a female superior everytime he gets a new job? My kind of life does. There are only two persons in my division - me and her. Which makes us all the more awkward. As what every superior is, they can never be satisfied. She always think the highest high of her. Just because she possess the "Senior" in front of the managerial title, she thinks she's the best not. Long story short, she's just another nightmare that I always dream about in my sleep. I'm not sure how long I could hold on. Life is never easy.   

Sugardaddy

Dear Zach,

When I was still working in Fitness Centre, one of my ex-coworker, who is gay, has a partner who is two decades old of his age. I did pry about their relationship a few times. He either gave me silence treatment as an answer to my prying question or just looked at me, stirring the topic away by starting a new one which was directed at me. Since then, I stopped asking. He is 23 this year; His partner is a 50-year-old white guy. They have been together for a few years. How they met? That has been the question I have been dying to solve. He's always been secretive about his partner. His partner is filthy-rich, not particularly handsome, look perverted, and old. Everything in their home is all imported stuff. They live in the most expensive apartment in the city center where everyone would kill for living in such luxurious place. They always go on vacation in exotic islands and beach in every two months - having to have enjoyed living in a luxury life that I ever dream of. I highly suspect that they are having sugarbaby-daddy relationship, which I envy the most. Or being very jealous of him for living the life. I came across this video on Facebook about women attending a seminar on how-to-get-a-sugardaddy. I was baffled at first, then slowly turned into intrigue. These women were actually looking for money, not only for sex, for academic support and business they wish to venture into. They said that the relationship isn't about commitment; it's about investment. It sounds sensible to me as it relates to my current situation. Next thing I know, I was on Craigslist.  

Threesome on First Day of Work

Dear Zach,

I got a text in the early of morning from one of the hookup, who stays 300 meter away and is a versatile-bottom, which I texted him the night before to ask for a blowjob but to no avail. He was asking if I was available at night for a threesome with his top buddy. He sent me the top's picture and his hung cock to me - it's too hard to say no. 

It was my first day of work. Thing was going fine. A lot of work to do. Which is a good thing. At least my brain is finally working. After working hour, I was dead tired. I didn't skip the gym. Have some quick workout. And drove back to meet them. 

I was greeted at the door by him. When I entered, I saw the Top laying on the couch watching TV. He turned to look at me in surprised. I think it was a surprise look. I greeted him in handshake and he asked if I needed to go to the toilet. I said that I don't and let's get started. 

I was laying on the bed in the dark room. Both of them slowly climbed on the bed and stripped me naked, as though I was the grand prize winning from the supermarket. As soon as three of us were naked, we were starting to make out with each other, sucking each other cock. I was laying on my back, the top was rimming my ass while the host was plunging his cock down to my throat, both of which at each end doing their job to keep me ecstatic. And we had a trio-make out, which is the first for me! It was fucking hot to be able to taste 2 lips at the same time. After seem what to be 15 min long of foreplay, we got to down real business. The host didn't want to get fucked. So I was the only one to enjoy being penetrated. The host was laying comfortably on the bed on his back, me sucking his cock in military position, while the top skillfully bashing my tight ass with each hard pound. The chemistry felt so right and intense. Then, I was being skillfully fucked in doggy position while I was making out with the host. We did every position that deemed possible to enjoy each other sexually. We came hard together in the end after 1 hour of sexercise. 

Amongst the threesome I had, this is the best one so far. 

I Will Cheat

Dear Zach,

"Will you cheat if you ever have a boyfriend?"

The answer is ... Yes. I will. 

It doesn't take long enough for me to think about it. It's pretty obvious - I don't believe in monogamy. Not anymore at least. I read stories about monogamous relationship. It started off usually fine; all about love and shit, sex's great, talking about dream and being together forever. The fallout most commonly happens after 6 months; bickering, shouting match, fighting over nothing, sex greatly reduced to almost none, estranged from each other, eventually one of them start snooping around with other men. It's a vicious cycle. 

I used to believe in love. Head over heels in love. However, over the past years, my faith in it has gradually lost. Most men I've hooked up with cheated on their partner with me. With me. I felt like shit for knowing the truth. That didn't bother me for long enough. Not that I was gonna repent for my sin. From that, I know. Men are full of shit. Men have sexual need that have to be fulfilled, not from one source but as many as possible. Let's take my fuck buddies for instance, we used to have sex every weekend. As the month went by, sex was less frequent. When I texted them, they always have a fucking excuse to turn you down. Once is enough, twice is too much, third time I completely removed them from my contact list forever. I don't need them anymore. Even my fuck buddies eventually got tired of me, how can I expect something being different from a man if we were in a relationship? 

Yes. I will cheat. I won't get my heart broken over a man who cheat on me. 

HookUp Marathon

Dear Zach,

On Wednesday, I went to the usual swimming pool to have a tan on my skin. But dark cloud descended, ready to get wet with us. So I decided to dip into pool. There came a guy with a good frame of body, most importantly, he's tan as fuck, wearing skimpy trunk, obviously to look for a hunt. Fast forward to later, we were in one of the shower room, making out, ass grabbing, and cock-sucking. He has a nice ass and is a bottom. The tan line of his turned me on so bad. He seemed too eager to get fucked, he squirted some body shampoo and applied to his anus, and turned around, ass facing my hard-on, eager to plunge it in. I stop him before it's too late. Sex 101  - No Bareback. I embraced him from behind, my left hand on his nipple, right hand stroking his cock, and made out with him in this doggy position. We both came afterward. He slipped to the next door to clean himself up. When I grabbed my bag and ready to leave, I saw him showering with open door, I moved in and grabbed his ass, and smooched him one last time. 

Today, I had to teach a swimming lesson to one of my learners. So I went to the pool again. And this mid-40s guy chatted me up in the pool while I was waiting my learner to come. We did give each other nods in the past, but we never really talked. He was in his skimpy trunk, slim and toned, visible abs, and most importantly, he's tan as fuck. He looks sexy at his age. We talked in the pool; I was hard as fuck. After I finished teaching, I went in the shower room, and saw him lathering himself in the open shower. I joined in beside him. He flashed me his cock, pretending to wash his scrotum, and I was rock hard. There was another guy joined in, whom I hooked up with two weeks ago at the same place same time, and of course he's tan. I wasn't in the mood for three some. So I moved to a slightly secluded cubicle and shower with open door. Fast forward to later, the guy of my interest and I made out intensely - boyy this guy is horny as fuck. He almost tear off my lips. We suck, made out, suck, and made out. He wanted to fuck me there and now. But I declined. Sex 101 - No bareback. Soon, he bob my head while I was sucking his cock, sensing he's gonna cum, as if on cue, I drew out, and he cum at my mouth with thick load. Jaysus! This guy must be as dry as nun's crotch. 

I feel like I'm a slut.  

Blowjob

Dear Zach,

I'm not really sure why I have been extremely horny these days. Maybe it is a celebratory getting a job finally. I know I would be terribly busy once I start my new job next week, so I make up all the sex as much as possible this week, as a reward of finally getting a job. Yesterday I gave a buff Malay guy blow job. He was so happened to be at the petrol station right opposite of my housing area when I switched on Grindr. He responded quickly and eager to get down dirty. So I drove there, he was waiting outside of the restroom as the surrounding is relatively quiet. He was much shorter than I expected. But he's a set of nice tits. I followed him inside the toilet to one of the cubicle, we got down to business. I sucked his curvy cock for good 20 minutes and he came. I didn't want to cum. So I left to my car and texted him thanks.  

New Hookup Site: Instagram

Dear Zach,

Instagram has been becoming my second hookup apps by far. I wouldn't say that I got to hookup with everyone I met there by liking their pictures, leaving flirtatious comment, and eventually personal messaging them to see how thing goes. I like their pictures mostly; I leave comment occasionally; I personal message them if necessary. Out of 10 guys, I've got to hook up with one - he's a bottom. And that was so last year. Instagram is transparent - you can't hide your face in your pictures unless you don't intend to show. Apparently, my instagram feeds are filled with semi-naked guys across the globe which has become a trend for the past years. And I got a lot of messages from guys originally from Singapore. I think all the guys who personal message me are from Singapore. I'm not sure why they aim at me as Singapore is famous with hunks and muscles they can easily find there. So the conversation mostly started off with casual how-are-you, within short minute of time, it escalated quickly into cock-pic trading session, saying 'how i wish i could fuck your ass now', eventually becoming a jerk-off-video trading session, by looking at the motion of handstroking our cock in video itself as though it would let our steam off. In the end, they replied that they cummed and I lied to them that I did to. They keep asking me to come visiting Singapore. 'It will be fun.' They said. I highly believe it was all the dick talking as they can't wait to fuck me there. And I don't intend to go there at all. In fact, I hate going there. It's such a shame that I tend to attract more Singaporean man rather than the local people here. Below are some guys I sext with recently. 

Add caption

Tanned Line (NSFW)

Dear Zach,

I was all alone in my home as my parents went out for shopping. As I knew, there would be a few hours to spare before they came back. I caught up with flu and was horny as fuck. And my subconscious wouldn't allow me to let those few hours to go to waste. So I tapped on Jack'd for a hookup. And I got lucky enough to invite a guy whom I was chatting with for sex over the past few months. He stays not far from my location. 20 minutes later, he was at my front door, greeting me with his tall, slim, brown tanned skin figure. He looks absolutely yummy. And, being the naughty side of me, I wore my pant so low til my butt crack shown to greet him at the door. While leading him to my room, he slipped his hand around my waist from behind, and kiss me on the back of my neck. We exchanged a few pleasantries, then he stripped down naked in front of me and went to the bathroom and took a shower. 5 minutes later, he climbed on my bed with his yummy tanned body. His prominent tanned line across his crotch and ass is what turned me on the most. 

"You are very tan and I like it." I can't help but to comment. 

"You are not so bad for yourself." He said mischievously. 

We had taken up 30 minutes for foreplay. We both have a dick of same length and girth, and enjoyed playing with each other's dick. He slided his condom-coated dick into my anus in a pain-free motion. In the middle of fornication, I suggested to record down our sex. Surprisingly, he agreed to it and was very much keen in doing so. Swiftly, he took his phone and started recording. We took turn to record.

It was exhilarating. We fucked for almost two hours. He came in my mouth and I swallow it. He's one of the few guys I willing to swallow. I don't know why. I just did. It tasted good. We laid on my bed for a short while after we cleaned ourselves up. Seeing him half naked from waist up laying there, I can't help to play his nipple. I wanted to have the second time sex with him. But I was too tired to ask as my flu was getting at me. 

feel so good and right. 

Thought of uploading a video. I guess better not. 

xx

I Do

Dear Zach,

Happy smiles were flashing everywhere with anticipation. Everyone was busy snapping photos of the bride and groom. Being the center of attention for the first time in their life, they were the happiest people on earth. They couldn't have been more happier than finding the right person to share the rest of their life with, til death do them apart. I was looking at the wedding bands where my brother put aside of the table - shinning with platinum white gold on the top of the bands - not the typical golden wedding rings dated back to olden days. It's affordable, classy, and sophisticated. It has a lot to say about my brother and future sister-in-law. Their contented smiles were so infectious I can't help to curve my lips a little. Not long after, we were ushered into a small room, which has a desk at the center, and fake-roses-decorated arch far behind of the room. Fortunately, the room was able to fit in both sides of family, which is 17 against 4 of us. The officer, who officiated the registration of marriage, jokingly ask my brother if he's ready or need a moment to re-think in the next room. We laughed. The wedding vows went through rather quickly, as though they were eager to get this thing done. It was not the typical on-screen-romantic vow exchange because they certainly know what they want. It was kinda boring actually. Once they were done, we were allowed to take pictures for 5 minutes. The couple was standing underneath the arch ready to be shot. It was a rather small and cozy ceremony. But everyone is happy with it. I wonder if someday I would have got the chance at all to get married with a guy I love.   

xx

Live Boldly

Dear Zach,

Yesterday is history; Tomorrow is mystery; Today is a gift - that's why we called it present. Sometimes we tend to get worried too much to forget to live.

Live boldly.

xx

Too Late Not To Say Sorry

Dear Zach,

Four years ago, when I first started my freshmen year in college, I constantly envisioned myself doing something great in 5 years time; be somebody, stood out, and making plans for the following next 5 years to come. I would be travelling in South East Asia for every 2 months, affording a car of my own, and having high-flying career that make enough living. Or best of all, having a smokin' hot boyfriend who fell head over heels in love with me. 

Fast forward to four years later, I can't help but to feel sorry for myself. 

 

23

Dear Zach,

The sky was grey as if reflecting my current mood: empty. I woke up to the realization that I was jobless, probably unuseful, and anti-social. I felt restless, uneasy, and aggravated with the thought of sitting at home again. I refuse to go out today because my budget is running tight. Plus I have nowhere to go to. I laid on my bed, in deep contemplation, probably being a dead corp lying on bed waiting to be buried - that's what my dad said. I waited for phone call for job offered: No news. It made me even more restless I wanted to punch the cats sitting at the back of the garden. I searched through jobstreet to apply for job. One thing that I am absolutely sure that I am clueless where I am headed. Clueless about my goal. Clueless about my need. I wanted to travel to find a bit of part of me. But my bank account statement says no - I can't even afford to book a 3 star hotel, let alone to buy the flight ticket. Pathetically enough, I missed the straight guy I had sex with. I'm not sure why. I just missed him. I think my birthday gets worst by each year itself. There goes my birthday today. 

That Time I Had Sex With A Curious Straight Guy

Dear Zach,

He was tall. Pale. Cute and fairly handsome. He was nice to look at but not enough to get my head turn. I didn't bother until he tail-gated me behind my car with his expensive looking car after I left the swimming complex. 

We hang out at the railing of the bus stop. He bought me soda drink from 7/11. It was rather awkward as he was kinda of nervous about it. I wanted to know why. We exchanged a few niceties. Then he asked. 

"So ... do you have girlfriend?" 

" No." I shoke my head. 

"Boyfriend?" 

"No." 

"Gay?" 

"Yup." I curved up my smile and look at him. 

"You are gay?" He seemed surprised. Then the penny dropped.

"Are you bisexual?" I asked. 

"Well, kind of ... I'm not sure. I'm confused actually." His face was unreadable. 

"Do you have girlfriend before?" 

"Ya. Two. It was long time ago."

"Boyfriend?" 

"No." 

"Ever have any sexual encounter with guys?"

"Well, once. I was drunk at that time. And he brought me to hotel and we just did some handjobs and blowjobs." His cheeks was pink. 

"Are you shy?" I looked at him.

"Ya.. I'm nervous actually. This is my first time, sitting down here, talking to a gay guy like this." 

"Well, don't be. I'm not gonna rape you or something. And I have the strong feeling that you were a highly homophobic person beforehand."

He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. I knew. 

"Well, I don't really care if you homophobic or whatsoever. I can't change your mindset. It's all down to whether or not you want to be that way." 

"I don't think I am anymore. Since I am kinda attracted to some guys. Like you."

A moment passed. I can't help but to ask. 

 "Why were you following me behind my car?" 

" No. I didn't. I happened to be around here." He poker-faced. 

"You are lying. The moment when you keep staring at me in the pool. I knew it. And I saw you keep making rounds in the car park as if waiting for me. I know that trick, Joe. I do. I have been gay for years and that was a hookup trick."

He broke into smile as if I revealed his dirty little secret. He's very cute. 

"Oh you! Since you knew. Then you don't have to say it out loud." He shove me lightly. He was blushing. 

Our conversation settled into silence. He looked uncomfortable. 

"So bi-curious guy, what do you want to do now?"

"Let's have sex." He said without blinking his eyes.

"Ya, right? The hotel is just right next to it in front of us." I chuckles. 

He eyes were staring at me as if to will me to look at him. I looked at him. 

"omg! you can't be serious right?! Are you serious? Are you even ready to have sex with a guy yet? I was in shocked.

"Ya. I am ready. I want to try. Let's get to the hotel." He got up and started to walk toward the hotel. 

"Wait up! Fuck! You seriously doing this? Are you sure?" My heart was thumbing so hard right now.

"Ya. You go get the lube and condoms. Here's the note." He handed me a RM50 note. "And I go get the room now." He walked off to the hotel. 

Five minutes later, we met outside of the hotel. 

"If you want to walk away from me and bid goodbye you can do it now, you know."

"I've already got the room key." He was smiling mischievously. "Let's do it."

It happened quite fast I couldn't absorb everything. We were stripping our clothes off hastily. He pushed me down to the bed and sealed his lips with mine. So hungrily and eagerly. His mouth was all over my body. Hot and wet. And he has a skilled tongue. And I loved it. 

"You have watched a lot of gay porn, haven't you?" I asked while he was blowing me. 

He looked up and said, "I've fucked a lot of girls. But this is my first time sucking a dick." 

And then he slid the condom on his hard-on and plunge into my hole. Boyyy.. he was so skilled the moment he undulated his body. As if he has done this too many times. He flipped me back and forth and fucked me rough, fast and hard. He liked it hard. And I loved it. 

When I was on top of him, I can't help to smile and ask him, "So, are you gay now? Or completely bisexual?" 

"Oh! Shut it!" He flipped me over on my back and he fucked me hard. I wondered how horned up he had been. 

"I'm gonna cum soon." 

After a good ol' half hour of banging hard on my ass, he cum all over my body. 

"Fuck." He was grasping for air. He looked at me as I was covered with his semen. "Let's get you washed up." 

We didn't talk much after that. When we left the hotel, we were both stood by our cars. 

"So..." I said, trying to find something to say. 

"So ... I'm gonna head home." He said, as if wanting to say more of it.

"Yeah.. that's cool." I can't help but feeling a bit disappointed. 

"Yeah.. alright." He held up his hands. "See you." 

I held it. "Ya, see you." 

We both didn't want to leave. I wanted to ask for his number. But I thought that was too silly to ask. This guy just wanted sex from me. No string attached sex. Here it is. Deed is done. Say goodbye. 

I waited for him to ask for my number instead. 

"So.. I gotta go." He looked at me warily. 

"Ya.. me too. It's been a rough night." I realized that he just another bloke in town just wanted sex. Why do I care so much? It's not big deal that he didn't ask for my number. 

"Alright, see you." He got into his car, ignited his engine, and pulled out of the parking lot. He waved at me and gave me a horn before he drifted away. 

"Goodnight, Joe." I utter under my breath as I looked at his car, disappeared at the round of corner.  

Waiting and Sex

Dear Zach,

A week passed and it felt as if I have been through 4 months of unemployment. The days were so slow to the extent that my mind might explode for not being useful at all. Past 4 days was too dreadful to live. I felt like something missing - though the biggest part of missing was my job - and I couldn't pinpoint what it is. I stay at home, refusing to go out, except heading to the gym in the morning, the remaining of the day I'd spend my time on my bed and read, and switching between the gay hookup apps (Grindr, Tinder, and Jackd) for hookup in every hour. Here's a fact about me: I tend to get horny when I have nothing to do. Hence the series of hook up since last Thursday til yesterday. I had sex on last Thursday and Friday. And gave head in swimming pool shower room on Saturday. And masturbated twice everyday for the following days. And had sex yesterday again. And I met most of the guys from Grindr. Tinder sucks and guys there are shy to ask what you up to, and the conversation couldn't even last for an hour because they are shy to ask for sex. Their true intention showed when I was being brutally honest telling them that I was up for hook up, you in? Too bad I never got one from Tinder. And I got fed up with Jackd guys because they keep asking for pictures. And I told them to fuck off. I had a job interview last Friday actually. And it seems promising and they will let me know by early of May. I can't really wait til next week for answer.  

Last Friday Night

Dear Zach,

So since I submitted my resignation on last Thursday, my manager decided to waive the serving of one month notice and let me go on Friday. It was a rather awkward situation whereby she was so speechless of my course of action happened in the middle of impromptu meeting as everyone was watching us, she had nothing to say nor ask about my reason of leaving as if it wasn't obvious enough for me to leave. It was an excruciatingly awkward for the whole afternoon in the office, simply because of what had just happened. And I felt a tingling of hatred towards me from my stupid ex-coworkers. Since last Friday was my last day of work, as so happened there was an interview landed on that morning itself, I took a half day leave and went to work in the afternoon. After 2 hours of doing nothing in the office, my manager decided to release me before 6 pm. I was more than happy to leave. I did not bid goodbye to anyone in the office. I loathe them. 

At night, I met up with one of my sex buddy for a long-overdue sex. He almost tear my ass off apart. And it was incredible. 

I Quit

Dear Zach,

I quit. Again. I handed my resignation letter across the desk to my manager. It was in the middle of heated discussion where the question about task-to-do-today was landed on me, Everyone was awaiting my response. I looked at the desktop as if searching for strength to tell her about my to-do list. My mind was racing with possibilities. Without knowing that I was so nervous, my palms were so sweaty. Five seconds had passed. I couldn't think of anything to do today. I couldn't think of anything to do ever, at my desk, in this office. I don't know what I was doing. I was so disappointed at the fact that I couldn't even muster a solid prove that I was actually doing something in favor of her request. Simply because she banned all the ideas and I practically had nothing left to work with. Ten seconds had passed. She was waiting, elbow on the table, palm tucked under her chin. Being clueless about my job, this job, that I was once so eagerly to learn, now I hated it, I want to leave. Don't ever come back to here again. Fifteen seconds of silence had passed. I pulled open my desk drawer, and withdrew my resignation letter I typed last night, and passed it to her, in front of everyone. 

"This job doesn't fit me. I can't do it. I quit."

Do It Again

Dear Zach,

It didn't take me long enough to brush up my resume and send it out to all the potential jobs being advertised online. The best part is: I actually do my searching in my office, right beside where my manager is sitting, it's just few feet away from my desk, but she couldn't notice what was happening in my monitor as she is too busy to notice me. I could not be bothered to get caught - that would be helpful if it does. I have not quit my job yet; Once I get a better offer, I'd definitely resign ASAP. I don't hate my job; I feel like my mind has been stalled for working for the past few months and I highly think that I was getting dumb by each minute sitting there, doing same thing, every single day.

Again. It is the third time I do this. Aimlessly sending out resume hoping for landing a good job.  

Talk About Dream

Dear Zach,

I came across this statement on Facebook in other day saying that "No one care if you are unhappy with your job. Your bills don't care if you are unhappy." Sadly, truthfully, and undeniably to say that this statement really struck me so hard. Indeed, I am unhappy with my job. I have my dream. I have my own vision. I want to do something I am passionate about. I want to quit my job tomorrow, and go after my dream to be a writer. To write a book. To publish articles on newspaper. Or, better yet, to get featured in Reader's Digest. To be an author. To get recognized by writing a heart-breaking novel that sell millions copies.

Only then I realized that I can't. Simply because I had no idea where to start.

Not Happy

Dear Zach,

I am not happy with my job. In fact, I never felt happy at all. I didn't look forward to work. That's the bad sign. I had no idea what I was doing in work. That's the worst. I have been working for 4 months. I dare to say that I didn't like it then; I very much didn't like it now. I got through probation of 3 months instead of 6. It didn't take long for me to get confirmed because I was very capable of working. But I'm not liking it. I didn't really get along with my co-workers. Partly because I refuse to open my mouth to talk, in which case, it's my intention all along since day one. But mainly because I didn't get along with one of the co-workers who tried to be a bitch to me. She dislikes me a bit because I was a bitch to her too for valid reason. I could feel the tension between us, but I don't really care. My sole purpose is to work for living; Not buddy-buddy with them. That's what I'm telling myself whole time. I wish to transfer to other department. But I feel bad of doing it for the sake of kindness. I just got confirmed not long ago. It would make me a traitor for doing such transition. I guess I will have to be tolerant at such moment for that matter. 

5 Minutes To Midnight To Be Grateful

Dear Zach,

I'd like to take this 5 minutes of this time, before reaching the brand new day, to tell myself how grateful I am to have my mum and dad, who are sleeping in their bed now, to be much alive than they aged. More alive than I am. I am truly grateful to be given a chance to work, sleep, and eat. I am very grateful to be given a sheer luxury that people don't belong to; people don't really own. Not that I am rich. I'm a mundane person who get to live a normal life like what a normal people do. I am utterly grateful to have a good health that some people lose. I am thankful for God for giving me a second chance to live another day again. 

Feeling gratitude here.  

That Time I Nearly Died Of HIV

Dear Zach,

This incident happened one month ago when I was still dating Chris. It was a Sunday afternoon, where we were in a hawker shop, having our late lunch. At that time, I let down my barrier a little to share some story of my flings - since he was so into getting to know about me, especially my sex life. I don't bother to hide either. I told them whom I slept with. And then he told me about his exes - the story of heartbreak and dramatic incident. He told me his exes were so dramatic to the extent that you could imagine a guy would jump out of window just because he broke up with him, trying to cut his own wrist to end his life, ended up having two scars marked on his wrist. I seriously doubted what he said. Then he told me about his non-dramatic breakups - four out of eight, they cheated on him by falling for someone else. I didn't get it then; I'm clearly I got it now. 

He told me about this one ex of his, who is diagnosed with HIV positive, cheated on him multiple times - mere time he found out from his friend that his ex blowing someone in the gym sauna. But he didn't leave him then, still care for him, paid for his medical expenses. I felt sorry for him then; I felt stupid for him now. Until one point, his ex had sex with a fellow one night. Somehow he found out, and forced him to confess to the guy he slept with, that he's a HIV carrier. He said if he didn't confess to that guy now, he would tell the whole world about him. He did anyway. The confession. 

Then we talked about playing safe sex and stuff. I told him I had sex with this doctor one time last year, there was some occasions he tried to penetrate me unprotectedly, but I refused to let him. I spilled out the name of this doctor, he realized that there's a doctor who has the same name is a HIV positive carrier, who is having it for 10 years. I don't believe the coincidence.

The next morning, this thing irked me for the whole night, I quickly snapshot a pic of the doctor and send to him. Minutes later, he confirmed my worst fear. At the moment, my whole world crumbled and stop. I excused myself from work, and called and told him the truth. I was so assured that I didn't fuck with him raw. This was my safest bet. But still. It irked me throughout the whole morning. I applied for emergency leave and went to the pharmacies around my place to get the HIV Rapid Test kits. After an extensive search to no avail, I stopped my car at one side of the road, feeling so emotional and frustrated, I hammered my fist on the steering so hard, and yelling like no one else in the world. 

After much contemplation, I came across a blogger's blog saying about this HIV Rapid test kits thing he used. So I quickly texted him and, thank god, he told me that he would get one for me. Later that night, we met up and carried out the blood test in his car. We waited for 10 minutes for the result to show. It was my most longest and dreadful 10 minutes ever. While waiting for the result to show, I told him about the incident. And he reassured me that everything will be fine since I didn't have bareback sex with the doctor. I can't make myself to believe a single word. My mind was numb and couldn't react to whatever he said. Without realizing it was already 15 minutes, I looked down at the test kits, it showed one band - negative result. I let out a huge breath and my mind came back to life. 

I had sex with the doctor in last November, so within  the three months window period, if I were to have it I would have symptoms by then. And it's already 3 months since, so the result is pretty much accurate. 

Oh Lord! I am so thankful for the whole new chance given to me! 

xx