Bye Bye Bye

 

Dear Zach,

When you fell in the pool of romance, you would have the urge to write everything down for every single day of what you’ve had done with him. For the past few days had unfailingly proven that romance can make my mind dumber – from dumb to dumber. For the split second would I have thought there’s a remote possibility between us to go any further from initiating sex talk to romantic talk. I guess sex talk wins it all. Big time. Because everyone wants to have sex, and when comes to talking about sex, people never cease to be feeling animated talking about it, and that’s when the horny feeling kicking in. And, of course, since our animated behavior were all started off by talking about sex, then I shall be the gentlemen to shut it off by sealing my lips, refusing to talk to him by any chance, and being coldly distant and distantly cold. Like yesterday, I hardly spoke to him more than two words for the entire day. I was gloating inside because I got the be the bitchy side of myself when one has triggered my bitchy side of myself.

It’s exactly two weeks to go to finish my internship in this fucken company. I can’t wait to leave this place and don’t miss anything or everything and everyone in this company. I hated everything and everyone from this company. My utmost hatred toward everything about this company is indescribable and indestructible. And the boss is gay and I hated him so much because he’s an asshole that everyone in this company will always hate. And because of too much hatred in one, I’ve become a hateful person. Okay. I lie about the last part.

Not sure what has overcome me this morning, I woke up and grabbed my phone, and swiped to the left to look for the all time infamous icon, I tapped on it, and went to the setting of the apps, and deleted my account, once and for all. So yeah … … since deleting the apps isn’t working to halt me from my constant seeking of sex, then I will have to delete the user account. I am a free bird now.

To anyone who has once chatted me up over the Jack’d, saying that you have come across my blog, I am sincerely grateful for all the kind words and flattery. I hope my lack of acknowledgement to your message doesn’t offend you in anyway as I find it awkward chatting over Jack’d. LOLZ.

That’s all for now.

See y’all in December.

xx

I Am Divorced

 

Dear Zach,

I want to make a simple post about my divorce.

 

I am divorcing my phone.

 

Divorcing myself from my smart phone or dumb phone that I used to love to cling with so much as though I couldn’t live a day without it. I know it’s felt so cool to be able to swipe left to right, up and down for the awesome interface you’ve had never tried before. It’s also cool to have such cool gadget to be able to constantly update your social medias on ease of your palm with a right tap away. I know the temptation to check on the updates of the photo you posted online saying how stressful you are in which you are not, but wanting to seek some attention just for the sake of getting likes for the photos. And the games are fun to play with.

But, please, put it aside. Or hide in your bag. And enjoy living for the moment without those gadget tagging around. Learn to put it down when you are having conversation with others over a meal. Learn to put it aside when people are talking to you directly in your face about things that matter. Learn to put it down when you are having a dinner with your family, because they are what matter the most. Learn to put it in your pocket when you are walking on the road because you wouldn’t want yourself to get hurt by just a gadget that makes you fall off from the pavement due to busying tapping away on your phone. Learn to adapt living the life without your phone around you, observing how different it is to be living in a world where everyone is hunching their back to look at the screen of the phone, while you are just sitting there with a cup of tea on the table, that’s it. I have adapted such manner that I wouldn’t put my phone on the table, by any chance, or put it inside my pocket. Even if I have nothing to talk about, I would just observe the surrounding people, take it as a chance to be an avid observer about people. Because I want to learn how life it was when there was no cool gadget around us for the last decades.

I know it’s an awkward start not to have your gadget around when you are sitting alone in the coffee shop. Not everyone could do this. Because to most people, not having your smart phone around makes them socially awkward. But having your smart phone with you makes you anti-social. I am trying my best not to constantly flip on my phone just to kill away my boredom. But most of the time I would leave my phone in my car. Because I just want to enjoy my quiet meal and tea, and the sound of people chattering around you, and my mundane life.

xx

Stinky B-yotch

 

Dear Zach,

Thank you for the kind words of dumping that asshole in my previous post.

Yup. I was really happy that I did not touch him today by any chance. Nor did he touch me when I was alone with him in the car to somewhere for lunch. And I did not really talk to him. I was glad things between us had changed so drastically without me knowing it and remained back to what it was supposed to be when I started working there – to be strictly platonic. When he jokingly told me he was leaving next week, I wasn’t surprised. In fact, I was glad he could leave as soon as possible before I leave the company in two weeks time. Having that being said, he is going to leave this company as well on the same day I leave. What a fucking coincidence! But I couldn’t be bothered because I will not be seeing him anyway. Let alone him fucking himself. And whenever he tried to bring up topic about sex, I avoided it completely and pretended I wasn’t interested in talking about sex with him under such awkward circumstances. What I found irritating about him is that his fingers are constantly on tapping his phone for almost all the time, especially while driving, eating, and walking. I really couldn’t hold my irritation of his such disrespectful behavior to me, I voiced it out, “Why are you tapping your phone all the time?”

“Just tapping. Playing games.” He said, still tapping on his phone.

“My dad is almost like you. Tapping on the phone, playing games when we having family dinner.” I said, looking ahead of the road. “And he was admonished by me for being disrespectful to us.” I added.

He still had the cheek to say this, “So you are trying to admonish me for being like this?”

“Well, I am trying to give you an advice. It’s a bad habit.” My tone was hard. But he didn’t seem to notice.

“Oh. Thanks for the piece of advice.” He continued on tapping his phone.

“You don’t have to listen it anyway.” I said sardonically.

“Listen or not, that’s my wish. Thanks though.” Tap tap tap tap …

I am so disappointed. What a complete arsehole! I tuned up the volume of the car stereo and refused to talk to him after that. If he doesn’t want to talk, why should I talk to him? 

Lesson learnt from this experience: Never ever bring up the topic about sex in work. Simply because topic about sex could drive two people doing all sorts of wrong things at wrong place at wrong time. Fortunately, I didn’t get to suck his hardon anyway – his dick stinks when I slipped my hand into his pants and grabbed hold of it. I washed my hands with Dettol thrice, but the stinky odor still linger around my palm. Sorry for being such a bitch here, but I am not sorry.

x

I Don’t Care

 

Dear Zach,

I was in my own foul mood today. I had been quiet for the entire day. Dead quiet. Everyone seemed to be aware of my unspoken silence and found me intimidating as my facial expression was as dark as charcoal, they never dared to speak to me. Neither did I speak more than ten words for the whole day to anyone. I appreciated that they didn’t try to talk to me. Because if they do I would have flipped out, and punched bitches.

I expected him to talk to me at least to find out what was wrong with me; He did not. I was really disappointed by the fact that he treated me such way, even if he would have the chance of being punched. And I was jealous of him when he told me he had lunchie with the bitch he hated. Okay, I shouldn’t be jealous as the bitch had no one to go lunch with, him being a lady-men to have accompanied her for lunch. And my foul mood was ten times worst after lunch hour. I refused to look anyone in the eye, especially him. I used my cold stare at him, and hard voice to him. And yet he still acted nonchalantly to my sudden changes of behavior. I swear to God I could have thrown a chair across the room at his face.

This. Has readily proven that he does not like me as a person. He just attracted to my physical appearance. I am really disappointed in him. It’s over. It’s done. If he’s ever touch me, I will slap him for sure.

I Should Stop

 

Dear Zach,

I should stop.

Stop doing something that he wouldn’t even have the tingly interest to do it in return. Like me kissing his hands.

I was the one who was doing it.

I was the one who was holding his hands while driving the fucking car.

I concerned about him. Like trying to massage his injured wrist with the cream I purposely brought it along.

I was the one who said I miss him. First. He never said it back.

I wanted to ask if he is fond of me.

I guess the question should be remained unspoken. Because I knew he wouldn’t answer directly to my question.

I am really confused.

Maybe I don’t have abs. But this is absurd.

If there’s no reciprocation between us, it’s about fucking time to cut the loose.

About fucking time.

I Don’t Have A Type

 

Dear Zach,

I used to have a type of guys I fancy – lean, toned, chiseled abs, broad shoulder, and muscular back. They were my kind of dream guy I wanted to be and be with.

I guess I have gotten to know better about these hot guys through Jack’d, and feeling much grateful to the constant invention of latest gay-seeking apps nowadays, I hated and am hating on these narcissistic and stupid ‘hot guys’ who intend to find guys like them – stupid and narcissistic hot guys.

I don’t have a type. If I like you, I will like you. Simple as that.

I am tired of people asking what my type is. Because seeking my type of guy as though seeking needle in haystack. Even if he’s your type of guy, he might not be compatible with you or otherwise. Having a type constrain you from being yourself. Because you would pretend to be someone you are not to impress your desired guy.

I don’t have a type. Simple as that.

x

Romance?

 

Dear Zach,

A week that filled with lust could really make my week a little much brighter and I look forward to each day itself. Not sure if it’s lust or just some sudden fondness I found in him. Good thing is that we work together in the same area, so that we get to talk to each other without failure.

I never liked him in a way I like him now when I got to know him 3 months back. We just work. Nothing much happening then. Back then I hated my job so much to the point I didn’t really notice about him. As the days went by, I was starting to notice him. He’s slim, slightly shorter than me, and wearing an old-fashioned specs on his handsome face. If you ask me if he’s attractive at the first place, I’d say no. He’s never really my type of guy I’d consider to have sex with.

Time makes funny things to people. Not sure when I starting to have the intention to get to know him better. I think it’s the sex topic that makes both of us sexually attracted to each other. We shared our sexual encounters, and other sexual stuffs. Everyday whenever he approaches me, his after-showered scene filled my nostril, always giving me an instant hard-on. I wanted to grab him into me and smooch him madly in the working area. We always flirt with each other whenever we have the chance.

Deep down I know I shouldn’t be having such complicated relationship as I’d be leaving in a month. We wouldn’t be seeing each other then. I constantly remind myself that I must not fond of him. I must hate him. Despise him. But I couldn’t. Until one day, we unintentionally drove to a discreet place after lunch, and made out in the car. It was good. I felt ecstatic! I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way as I did. The next day itself, I wanted to tell him we should remain what it should have been instead of going further. I couldn’t do it. And I miss his lips on me already.

I have no idea where this is going to lead to. Is it going to lead to a new beginning of something I am afraid to be committing for so long or it’s just some platonic encounter that I usually have?

Argh! I shouldn’t have let my dick to think.

Trousers

 

Dear Zach,

When I was first asked to differentiate between trousers and pants, I was stunned for God knows how many seconds had past, only to realize I had no idea there was a difference in them. I scooted over to one corner discreetly, powered up my smart phone to search for “Trousers VS Pants” on the Google bar, not wanting to lose my dignity in front of my colleagues for not knowing what trouser is. Well, I was assured, firmly assured, that both terms mean the same thing but both are being used in different country – that’s what the Google said. For my entire life, I had been using the term ‘pants’ to describe pants in different sizes, length, width, and colors. As long as it covers the most private part of your anatomy at your lower body, it’s safely wearable and I am just whatever.

What am I writing about this? There are a few reasons but I want to emphasize on one: Fashion in Men.

I do notice the fact that men, especially who are aged over 25, are starting to look attractive at their respective age. Partly because they are mostly financially stable and the fashion sense is getting over them in a way their surrounding peers also starting looking fashionably good. It’s a good thing for men to know how to dress up well to impress themselves and people. Sometimes I came across some men, gay men especially, wearing short shorts – like real short – walking around the mall. It’s not sexy but greatly horrifying. I think for men, regardless straight or gay, should be able to dress up decently before stepping out the door to see the day light.

Trouser is the good choice for every man. It looks good on them. And definitely cover up the hairy calves which sometimes grossing the shit out of people. For those who do not know what trouser is like I do, below is the picture.

Isn’t the trouser looking too hot on this guy already?

A good choice of trouser is the best make up potion to bad wardrobe. Basic trouser can be paired up with tank top, sleek shirt, and T-shirt, and you are good to go for a day/night out. It gives you that macho yet approachable aura and expensive looking to others who see you. Colored trousers could also be worn if you are a vibrant joyful person.

Very often when I run out of idea of dressing myself up, I’d go for a plain color trouser and pair up with a desired color of T-shirt. Because it’s easy, breezy, and wonderful.

Picture extracted from Zalora official website : www.zalora.com.my/men/clothing/pants/

Remember, dressing simple is sexy.

 

xx

Blue Saturday

 

Dear Zach,

If I were to blog on every weekend, time would have flown by even faster than I could have ever thought.

It’s midst of November. Another 15 days more til December. Everyone seems to be very excited for the month of December because it’s a month of wasting money for wrapping the gift up with expensive ribbons and ding dongs to be giving away to someone you think he’s important enough to appreciate your gesture but he isn’t, which leave you in tears and heartbreak and repeat the same old stupid cycle. Yeah… that’s what I think about Christmas - every Christmas to be exact. Funnily, when I was a kid I had always thought there would be snowing season during the month of December, until one day when I looked up the sky seeing the drops of tear falling from the sky, I came to realize that heavy downpour had replaced my imaginative snowing scenery with angry thunders and strong winds I wonder if the roof top would be lifted off.

Sometimes it’s good to be receiving present once in a while. Speaking of which, I’ve had not been receiving any presents from anyone for years, which is a good thing for me because I don’t have to return the same favor by spending on rubbish for the sake of reciprocation. And I don’t have money. So it would be a good thing that you send me some cash instead.

I really can’t wait to start a brand new year and bid farewell to 2014. It’s just that it’s been a rough year, thoroughly inside out, emotionally and physically. No. I was not being abused in any sort of way. It’s just that turning 21 this year wasn’t the way I had hoped it to be. Sometimes great expectation gives you great outcome of disappointment. Crashes your faith, dream, and belief. But there’s one thing I still believe in … is my heart.

xxx

P.S: Have you guys watched the newest trailer of 50 Shades? It’s too much sex in one trailer! holy!

x

Part of Me : Introvert

 

Dear Zach,

Even though I am not working today, I hit right in the sack after blogging before 10 p.m. last night. Partly due to I was having foul mood and not wanting to do anything else better than sleeping the day away.

I woke up to the drowsy morning. I grabbed my phone expecting a message from the guy whom I snapped at last night but there was none. He got angry – that I won’t blame him for being angry at me. I want him to be actually. So that we can stop contacting each other and I can stop thinking about him again. Hopefully he will get my cue on my last night behavior.

I’ve found a part of me this morning. I came to realize that I am an introvert – I should say I finally admit this. Not sure if there’s a range of one to ten in scaling introvert. But I can assure myself I am one of the introversion population out there. The assurance from this articles 10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World had gotten me firmly believed I am one. Not that this article itself has got me proven instantly I am, I have read a few articles about being introvert and I came to believe this.

Here’s the few points from the articles I want emphasize on myself:

1. They withdraw in crowds.

As much as I have told y’all, I really do hate crowds. You may think that’s ironic because few weeks ago I went to the club. Well, that’s because my best friend is the only person I am close with, hence I can drop all the jitters and be myself, at least. Usually, I stay at home and do my own thing.

2. Small talk stresses them out, while deeper conversations make them feel alive.

I avoid small talks by any chance. I always find a way to escape from being initiated small talk when there’s one person standing next to me. If I couldn’t escape, I’d have to nod and smile briefly but inside my heart I would be screaming “please stop talking.” Absolutely avoid acquaintances because of the possibility of engaging in small talk with them. As for the deeper conversations, I don’t have to describe more about that as you know me.

3. They physically can't stand talking on the phone.

Talking on the phone with my mum is way different from talking on the phone with friends or strangers or acquaintance. It’s true that I always feel dreadful to pick up those least favorite numbers appear on the screen of my phone. And I am more nervous in talking through the phone than in person itself.

4. They literally shut down when it's time to be alone

Yes. Whenever I am in deep thought in whatever place, I’d literally stop interacting. People always ask me if I am okay. I said that I was fine, but they don’t believe me. I become very quiet and they would be very cautiously to talk to or touch me as though I was a time bomb that I would explode in the brief of touch.

 

There are more points in different articles but these are the points I’d want to talk about.

I want to quote from this commentator,

“The greatest blessing of being an introvert would have to be never really feeling bored when alone.”.

Indeed. 

I am an introvert.

Foul

 

Dear Zach,

I was feeling very heavy for the entire day. The rainy day wasn’t making my mood any better either. Not sure if it was just today that I was feeling such way or it has eventually imparted on daily basis.

I was having foul mood today. Going out for lunch alone during lunch break at work, refusing to open my mouth so much to talk nonsense at the lab, and feeling regretful entire time. I even snapped at this guy, whom I didn’t intend to contact for months, who whatsapped me for no reason. I am just getting sicked of people with no sincerity. I am just getting sicked of people for not being whom they said they are. I am just sicked of doing something I don’t like it at all. Why the pretentious? Why the agony? Why can’t be the truth? 

I am just tired of this flaccid living.

No Gain But Pain

 

Dear Zach,

I have lost my motivation as to why I had to pump myself so hard in the gym.

I am lost - Lost my reasons and directions.

I have been hitting the gym 5 days a week. But, who am I trying to prove? Not sure if there’s one or virtual one.

Today, while I was deadlifting, the owner of the gym came to me and asked, “So… how’s your progress? Any gains?”

I looked at myself.

“What do you think?” I directed my question back.

He scanned me in just total 3 seconds at most. I already knew what was really running in his mind. He didn’t have to tell. I didn’t have to say.

“Well…”, I shrugged. “I’ll just have to work harder.”

“It takes time, buddy.”

“I know.” I didn’t want to be felt defeated. Funnily, why did I feel like it was worst than feeling defeated? 

The Brain On 23

 

Dear Zach,

I had been told, million times, that I tend to be overthinking. Overthinking leads to worrying.

I don’t know why I’ve had to be such way in my young adulthood. This feeling has just struck me out of nowhere as the time flew by. I couldn’t articulate in words. I didn’t expect anyone or everyone to fathom my thinking.

The link below is an article that resonates everything there’s to know about my current situation. No. I am not undergoing mid-life crisis that soon. No. I am not in depression. The quote below is what I am feeling right now. I am glad someone out there is feeling the same way as I do.

“All we want is to understand who we are, and we can't. Only time will tell us.” - Molly Sprayregen

Here’s the article link: The Brain On 23

Mundane-ber (November)

 

Dear Zach,

I thought there were another 3 months more before hitting the brand new year; I was wrong. After this month, there’s only one month to new year. It is really fast and furious, don’t you think?

Life is pretty much mundane – nothing much sexcinting happen. I have been staying off sex for almost 2 weeks and a half, and still counting. Not sure if I ever wanted to have it with random stranger anymore. It’s really tiring and yet exhausting with all those niceties before jumping into the bed. Strangely, I recently much more into chatting with strangers in Jack’d rather than asking if he’s top or bottom which eventually lead  to another expected event. Sometimes I got fed up with mild-intelligence people, I replied curtly, very curtly, to them so that the whole conversation can bring to a whole new level of shutting down.

Besides, my weekdays were filled with working hours that I resent so much I wish the company can go bankrupt in no time, and after-working gym hours, hence my celibacy goes on like forever without me knowing it. It’s really good to have some distraction away from thinking about getting laid all the time as I used to be. That being said, I am so hating on my job everyday. Day by day my hatred toward this company, and the CEO, is growing ever stronger. Those tasks given had me lost 3 kg of my weight. I am so heartbroken seeing my figure on the weighting scale going down as I built my weight to that desired level was really painstakingly tough. Now, it loses away like nobody business. I am not sure whether to cry or to laugh. My weekends were spent with my toys at home, refusing to go out to see the daylight, and playing “Chandelier” repeatedly til my mum shouted from downstairs to ask me to shut it off.

I come to realize everything what an adult life is – career, money, and sex. Doing the job you hated, having dangerously low level of income, and getting more sleeps in your own bed rather than somebody’s else bed, are deadly combination. A pathetic deadly combination.