So Long & So Short

 

Dear Zach,

It had been an eventful year for me this year. Though nothing much happening that worth remembering, of course I’d definitely remember the time I had spent studying in my dorm in college, rushing assignments, the club activities, and the internship period. I am not going to elaborate much about that because I guess everyone who is reading it is pretty much fed up about all.

Of course, there are a few people that I’ll always miss. Not sure if they still remember me, it doesn’t matter if they don’t. I would not blame them for that. Time flies; Memory fades. Everybody has their own lives to go on. Once in a while, I feel like sending them a text, but I bet the conversation wouldn’t hold long enough. I will just have to miss them in my heart.

On the other note, I received a call from one of the company I had interview saying that they intend to hire me. I accepted their offer instantly. Yup, I got a job. It’s a good news to kick start new year. I might sound nonchalantly in this matter, but I am pretty sure getting a job is nothing much excited about. So … yeah. Period.

It’s the last day of 2014, I should be listing down my resolutions – I didn’t. I don’t intend to. Because no one is going to follow exactly the plan anyway. Pointless of doing that. The only thing I wanna do is to be happy everyday. I’ve had enough to unhappiness this year, it’s time to move out from the dark circle and be happy. Being happy isn’t an easy job, because one word, one moment, one person, one look, or one slap could bring you back to what you originally are.

Getting good in shape is most guys utmost priority. I couldn’t be bothered of doing that either. I tired of trying to be someone I am not. Be it bad shape or weird shape of my body, I am going to be who I am. I am not going to work my body to impress people; I impress people for being myself. That’s all matter. 

So long for now. See you guys next year.

xx

Instagram-famous? Not.

 

Dear Zach,

Few days ago, I had some sexual encounters with this guy at his house, who happens to be same age as me, and we did nothing heavy though. I was very reluctant to move when he suggested to go to a coffee shop, simply because I hate coffee. Well, his persistence had me no choice I didn’t wanna be so rude for declining his offer. So we went to a coffee shop, ordered our drinks, and sat at the far corner where no one could hear us, which no one would even hear us since the coffee shop was empty of customer. And when he asked for WiFi password from the servant, he told him “Sorry, we don’t have WiFi here.” Nodded his head to the direction of the laminated paper attaching on the wall, saying “No WiFi here. Please Talk to each other.” I laughed a little.

We chit-chat a little, getting to know each other a little bit. And I got to know that he’s a big spender, Instagram-famous, and so-called high profile person. Simply because he has many friends of Taiwanese and Malaysian top models and their cell phone numbers. And pointing out which person is gay. I can instantly tell that he’s an attention seeker – the most typical gay boy in this current trend. He asked me if I know anyone who is high profile. I said “Define high profile.” He said, “That kind of guy who has thousands of followers on Instagram and Facebook.” Seriously? I mean like you consider this as such high profile person? I told him that I don’t care. He technically had his first hookup with a guy from Instagram. I almost peed my pants when he said this. So Instagram is the newest hookup space now?

First thing first, having thousands of followers on your social medias doesn’t make you famous – is your slutty anatomy exposing pictures that attracts thousand of horny guys to follow you. If having thousands of followers make you famous, then why didn’t I see you on the front page of cover magazine? Are people nowadays that shallow thinking having followers will make you famous? I have no comment about this.

I was glad time past by quickly. He sent me back to my place and we bid goodbye. We never talked to each other since then. I am glad because I don’t think I can tolerate such person again.

Second In

 

Dear Zach,

I am feeling better. Thank you for all the kind words for the health of me and my mum. We both are doing better in each passing day. Nothing much happening during Christmas and Boxing Day. Just some minor encounters with guys – nothing hot and heavy. For the past few days I had been spending my time doing nothing at home, apart from watching Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and annoying some people on Instagram.

I went for second interview today. I didn’t expect they had selected six starters from the bunch of interviewee – I was one of the carefully-picked starters. Only six of us to vie for the one vacancy - it is an open-door for fresh graduate for career growth opportunity. We were seated in the meeting room, watching 20 minutes of video about intro of the whole company itself and awkwardly watching the top management people hard-selling themselves, and doing pranks in the video, which made me cringe all the more. I mean I didn’t find it funny; I found it awkward and the six of us didn’t even laugh or, the worst yet, didn’t even breathe out a small giggles. I was pretty sure everyone finds the video is as stupidly awkward as it does. The whole room filled with heavy awkwardness I suddenly feel the urge to laugh. Who still does stupid prank in video nowadays?

Thank God, the video didn’t last long. As soon as the video ended, I breathe out a relief as the managing director came in, shook our hands, and started explaining everything there is to know about the company. The MD said the only way to impress him is to ask questions in between. That was funny because we literally understood what he explaining and we couldn’t even figure out a question to ask. I don’t think asking questions about something I’d already known is enough to impress him to give the vacancy priority to me.

After what seemed to be like 2 hours of explanation, we were evaluated one-on-one for 5 minutes. I felt that the evaluation just lasted 2 seconds and I bid goodbye to the MD, grabbed my stuff, and left. Well, all I have to do now is to eat, pray, and wait for the very call from the company so that I could get a proper job next month.  

xx

How I Spent My Christmas Eve

 

Dear Zach,

I was mulling over my Aloha Chicken big pizza, watching Gundam on Youtube, laughing and enjoying the empty house alone.

It was Christmas Eve. Everybody seemed to have their own programme and enjoy the night out with their friends. Whereas, as for me, I stayed in my home, was in the state of illness, hearing the humming sounds emitting from the refrigerator. What could have been more worst when I found out from my dad that my mum was admitted to hospital for minor operation without me knowing it. They planned to hide this from me and my brother.

And the gloomy weather wasn’t helping me out either, which made my illness much more worst. I have been in constant state of illness for weeks. Doctor said probably it was indigestion, which in turn rendered me feeling vomiting and bloating. I planned to have someone over to have some sex, but to no avail.

Hence, I spent the night with reading and going to bed at 10 p.m. sharp. 

Torn

 

Dear Zach,

Torn between the decisions that has to be made within limited period of time. I am unsure if it’s really what I want for my future sake.

I have got offers from two companies from Singapore. It is a great news to rejoice; I didn’t feel like it. What makes me cringe-worthy is that they want me to make decision as soon as possible. Working in Singapore is what most fresh-grad ever wanted to be.

A question that is running in my mind right now: Do I really want this? I mean, is this where I want to be? Leaving everything I have, to be working in a foreign continent, and starting my life anew?

I am confuse right now.

I need to be away and get distracted.

TMI

 

Dear Zach,

It’s midst of the week. I felt like I had been through a week of exhaustion – it’s not even Friday yet. Ever since I had completed my internship last Friday, I have been sending my resume to many companies in jobstreet, and, in return, I had gotten some invitations for interview for the following days. I had been to five interviews in total, I dare to say that I am an expert interviewee now. Not sure if they are gonna hire me, but I had given all in. It was really nerve-wrecking being questioned and sometimes you babbled shit to answer to question, realizing you didn’t even answer the question itself. Imagine my horror when they starring at me with the awkward silence hanging around the atmosphere. Not sure why but I always felt the urge to laugh when I was situated in this kind of situation. Practice makes perfect – now I had grasped the way of their questioning technique and I knew exactly how to counter. If I really couldn’t answer, I’d have to use my last resort – slap the shit out of them. Mind the pun.

Having been through several interviews, the more I realized that I wasn’t really interested in any of the jobs. My biggest fear is my doubts. I have doubts that I couldn’t hold on to these jobs I had applied for long. Mainly because my interest isn’t there. They offered me great remuneration, but I am not sure if I want to accept. This is a very important step of my stepping stone for my career. I can’t afford to make a mistake and hoop to another job just for the sake of my interest. I’ve always wanted to work in a publishing or magazine firm – sadly to know that Malaysia have very limited choices of such company. If there comes a moment when I have to make a huge decision for my career path, I’d have to think wisefully.

There’s a few more interviews in later days this week. I will be heading to Singapore for two interviews. If I could make it for the interviews, I might have the chance of working there. Hopefully Singaporean isn’t as stringent as Malaysian – I really wish to work there. Oh well… let’s the faith to decide.

xx

Part Of Me : Bad Temper

 

Dear Zach,

One of my major flaws is my temper – a very bad temper. Not that I am always in the state of being hot-headed, it’s just that whenever thing turns out not the way I expect, my mind will be lost and frantically searching for solutions, and that’s when my temper is boiling up. It could have been worst if I were in a warm or hot environment, with people talking non-stop beside my ears, needless to say it literally boost up my temper to the highest level in no time.

Because of the major flaw of mine, I had driven away my high school best friend – mainly not because of my bad temper, but it was about the comment she made about men, and now we had become stranger. She did make an effort in reconciliation of our friendship, but once it’s broken, it’s considered sold. I had also driven away a special guy I fond of – that time I was in my bad mood and my temper was at the brim of shooting up, his text message to me after not contacting for months had made me even angrier, I replied him my first line with “hey, stranger.”. And he got upset about it. After a few line, not even ten lines, of niceties, but not very nice of me to him, I sent him an emoticon marking the end of our conversation. I guess that’s the end of our whatever-ship. And there’s a few guys I also had driven away – especially him. If he couldn’t accept who I am, I am not gonna change myself just to please him, so just let the bygones be bygones.

My mum has always told me that my temper could kill my career someday. I know that. I tried my hardest to be calm and easy as humanly possible. I have been training to be calm as opposed to what I am supposed to be. It helps me a lot from not going hot-headed toward anyone. It’s a bad trait of being a Taurus. But, I am still a human too – I have my emotions, and am just wanting to let it all out telling the world I am not the person whom they think I am. It’s really frustrating and tired of pretending someone I try to be, instead of being someone I want to be.

Sometimes I just had no idea who I am anymore. If only trying to find parts of yourself and putting it together is as simple as putting the pieces of puzzle together.

Last Day of 16 Weeks

 

Dear Zach,

It was my last day.

I was supposed to be feeling happy, joyful, vibrant, glowing and whatever terms that describe a person that was about to leave a hellish working place on the last day itself ; I wasn’t feeling it. What makes me feeling guilty of not feeling what it’s supposed to be felt was that I actually missed the people there. Though my first and the worst working experience could have been this one, but I do enjoy the throughout journey of endless suffering, insulting, complaining with others interns from other colleges about this shithole company I had worked for. It was entertaining, a lot of laughter, and, of course, our endless complaint and bitch-talk about everything in this company. That’s something we had in common - we hated working there more than we ever hated ourselves.

It was my last day.

Before I left, I stayed in there much longer than I usually do, bidding goodbyes and giving hugs to people I had worked with, and taking pictures for remembrance. I specifically didn’t hug him even though I had the urge to do so. Our last kiss was the day before the last day. I didn’t want to kiss him on my last day – it would have made me missed him all the more and I afraid I might have fallen for him very hard. I kissed him passionately – I knew I won’t ever be seeing him again. Or I will never see him again. Our final and last kiss. And I won’t, or probably will never, miss him - it breaks my heart when I miss him.

It was my last day.

I will definitely miss the endless complaint, the people, and the final kiss.

x

Breakaway

 

Dear Zach,

Sometimes I am really unsure if I had made the right decision of letting my heart to want what it wants, following its lead, irrationally thinking all will turn out to be fine. I want to be optimistic, but pessimistic of me had no doubt always taken the toll of me. I am always trying hard to think for the future of what it will hold – it’s a stupid thing to do when I can never know what will happen in the future as thing happens unexpectedly and unprecedentedly as it could be. It always has been that way. Because of that, I take precautions, preparing my dialogue mentally in account of dealing with people, doing extra efforts of keeping anything from going haywire. I worry too much. I know I should stop and let my life goes on as it should be, people keep telling me to stop worrying, and be happy. I am not sure if I could be happy anymore. Or put it this way: I am not sure if there’s anything could make me happy. I want to take a chance to randomly live my life without being paranoid. I guess paranoia is a disease which could follow me forever. It’s like when thing is going perfectly fine, you would be thinking if there’s something wrong about thing going fine. Simply because when thing is going fine, eventually the finest thing will have expired and turned into worst thing it possibly could. It’s like give and return, so to speak.

I am listening to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Breakaway’ while typing this down.

If only I will make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway.

Heart Wants What It Wants

 

Dear Zach,

I had tried. My hardest to keep my feelings away. Hiding in depth of my heart, where no one could be discovered. I was trying. Kept on trying to hide. It just couldn’t ebb away.

I had made my confession to him. Over the typical type of method – text message.

Rejection is common. I knew it was coming. I knew it because we both are still incapable of committing into something serious.

But, at least, I had tried to make a move - telling him how I feel about him. I am willing to try.

The is the first time I’ve ever tried my bravest to fight for what I think it’s worth fighting for.

Exhilarating yet daunting.

-------------------------------

Minor Update at 9.27pm:

Just when i thought thing is going fine, it turns out everything is just a lie.

Job Interviews

 

Dear Zach,

Here’s a little update of my life so far:

1. I was a little bit hyperventilating yet sad at the same time thinking the fact that I am about to leave this shitty workplace I hated so much in 1 week time. Though in my heart I am saying I won’t ever miss this place, but what I miss the most would be him.

2. My phone was buzzing with job interviews for every few hours asking if I am interested for available vacancies. And my answer had always been ‘yes’ because I don’t want to miss any of the opportunities. But the interviews are all falling on the same date. I’d have to reply them via email one by one asking if either each of them could change date for me. How embarrassing of me as an unemployer asking an employer to change interview dates just for me.

3. I went for 2 interviews on Wednesday. Both went very well. Especially the first one. And I vomit like shit after the first interview. And then attended for the second interview. Thought I was feeling perfectly fine after the first vomiting - It proved me wrong. I vomit like shit after the second interview. And then I spent 12 hours sleeping away til the next day.

4. I got a called from the company I had my first interview on Wed. They intended to hire me after I complete my internship. What makes me relief was that when she asked if I really wanted the job, and I said “Not really keen.” I may have lost one, but there’s plenty of chances out there.

xx

Job Decision

 

Dear Zach,

Not sure if my new hair color (mixture of gold and blond, not sure what sort of color is that, I couldn’t even describe it.) had given my luck a spin, seemingly the first day of December has a lot of good news.

Last Saturday I log in to Job Street to send my resume to random companies who offer available positions to fresh graduates. I didn’t bother much about getting a reply from all of them because luck had never been on my side. Today, I received 5 calls from recruiting company saying that there are available vacancies and asking me if I am interested to fill in. When choices are limited, I’d be more than happy to accept it. But when there’s too much of choices, you’d have to crack your head  thinking which is the best for you. I have 7 offers and they are waiting for my reply by this week. I couldn’t make much of deep consideration because each job scope is what I intend to look for. Of course, the basic salary is what attracts me the most.

I might be afraid there will be more incoming calls from different recruiting companies tomorrow. I know it’s a big decision for me to choose the right path now. And I do know the fact that once the new year has started, there will be lesser job opportunity for me to choose from. It is now or never.