Holding Up

 

Dear Zach,

I’ve always been holding it together ever since I knew I was gay. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as I could have thought and I knew it would never be easy to walk down such winding road.

I’ve created a barrier ever since. Between me and my friends and my parents. I’ve never talked about my relationship to my parents, simply because I couldn’t and don’t even have anything to say about. I guess my mum is being suspicious about me for a very long time and I’ve got the feeling it’s true.

Rarely I’d touch this sensitive topic with my friends either. Except my two best friends whom I am always confided to. Or rather I’d very much happy to confide it to strangers.

I’ve learnt to be tough. To be stronger each day than I can ever be. To believe in myself that I could be independent. To be able to fight for what it is worth fighting for. I never cried in front of everybody. It shows the sign of weakness. I couldn’t bare the thought of dropping my tears in front of people I knew. I’ve never shown love to somebody I really like. I couldn’t take the risk. I’d never tried. The thought of being hurt by somebody you love, it’s unbearable and unimaginable. Though a person who had never been in love has no right to talk about being hurt, but I’ve learnt it from somebody’s else story. It’s more than enough to have known the fact that being hurt is really damaging feeling you could ever feel.

I hold it together. Constantly telling myself I can never give up on something I am really passionate about. Working out is my passion now. It’s a lifestyle I should say. Sometimes I couldn’t help but feeling defeated whenever I look into the mirror, seeing myself with seemingly no improvement after so much of hardworks I have put into. I wonder why I should push so hard for. Who am I going to show to?   

I am tired. I just wanted to drop the wall and open up. My inner heart has to be freed. Holding up is a really tiring task one could ever ask for.