Before It Ends

 

Dear Zach,

Before ending the last day of the first month of 2015, I’d like to say that I am doing fine now. I am currently waiting to start my new job next week. For real. There’s no turning back since I had signed the agreement few days back. All I have to do is to be looking forward what will be coming next.

When I looked back to the past weeks I felt like it had been forever since I left my previous job. Three weeks felt like three months. When I scrolled down the Whatsapp archive only to have realized the last conversation between me and my ex-seniors was almost two weeks ago. I can’t help the way I feel sentimental about everything we did together – standing under the hot sun, chasing people to listen to us for 30 seconds top. Life is never boring working there. Sometimes I wonder if I had made a right choice leaving the first company I had ever joined or what will I have become in the space of two weeks. If we knew then what we know now, life will never always be that unpredictable. But part of me do know the fact that I wouldn’t excel in that path I chose at the first place. Not sure why but I’ve got the feeling I wasn’t belong there nor the place welcome my presence. I just did what my heart intuit me. Sometimes you have to listen to your heart wants what it wants. Logical thinking kills and create fears. But I never feel regret joining them. Indeed, I had learnt so much in the space of three weeks I felt like I had learnt everything in 3 months. Of course, what I learnt from the past should be bringing forward to new reality, and implement it. I will definitely miss those days and them no matter how far I will have come along. They are and will always be my great teachers.

Now, I will just have to enjoy the remaining days before the hectic days of working life kicks in. Happy Weekends!

xx

No Choice Is The Best Choice

 

Dear Zach,

Saying how fast the time flew by is the most underrated statement of the year. Last Monday, I went to work, involving myself into the immensely enthusiastic environment which I was urged to participate in as I had no intention and was in reluctance to do so, and deciding whether to quit the job for my future sake; Now, here I am, jobless. I couldn’t imagine how drastic thing has turned out. In spite of the argument and silent treatment I had endured from my parents, eventually they caved in and, anyhow, support in whatever I like to do. 

Since they support me, I did not think too much then. Especially thinking whether or not should I give up this PT job and look for another one. There’s a split second I intended to do so. But despite being told there’s not much of a prospect so many times, I was like “Fuck you. My life, my choice.”. I don’t really care about what people would think of me. Be it a degree holder with science background whereby I would have a better career prospect in this field than the new one, I just don’t care. Life is too short to stuck in what it has been planned ahead. It’s time to take a risk and be different – make a difference in my life. I have known the road of being a fitness instructor would be totally winding. It’s not straight to the winning road. There would be up and down, left and right, and mistakes after mistakes for us to explore – especially I have zero knowledge in fitness field.

Well, it’s all about the choice, whether we want it or not. No choice is the best choice, quoted from my very dear senior in my previous company. When there is only one choice left in your life and no any better way, you would have to take it for whatever it takes. There’s where you can be very focus in one direction. Don’t think too much. It gives you doubt and insecurity. Be confident in what you do as long as you are doing the right thing.

Indeed, when I stop thinking too much, I’ve become more confident in my choice made. I admit that along the way I have lost my self-belief – something I always used to say. Let there be obstacles that obscure my way. If I work my way toward the top, I believe someday I will be the bird soaring in the sky.

What Am I To Do With My Life?

 

Dear Zach,

Thing between me and my parents is getting better. Though there’s undeniable fact that the barrier between us is still remain standstill. I don’t blame them – at least they still talk to me nevertheless.

I did mention that I am an overthinker – a person who tend to think too much. Well, I’ve been having so much insecurities and doubts for my future – in terms of career prospect I would say. Even though I mentioned that I didn’t want to stay in the office doing the same old shit for everyday, every month, or every years, I can’t help but feeling this kind of career is where the promising prospect comes into place. I ask myself everyday, Do I really want this kind of job? So that my dream is at least reachable?

It’s true that the salary of most office job is relatively higher than being a fitness instructor itself. I’ve read about articles about the pros and cons of being a fitness instructor and it usually shows rather more cons than pros itself. Fear kicking in my gut and I wonder if I should change my decision before it’s too little too late. But the only thing to convince me that there’s good prospect in this career is the articles I have read is statistically proven in USA itself – not in Malaysia.

I know I shouldn’t think too much. It’s really tiring to think too much about this. The reason why I chose PT is because I don’t want to do boring office job. But boring office job gives you higher salary than you would expect. I mean there’s always something bad and good in one decision. It’s not always perfect and granted for my wish. But the question is: Does my dream is still reachable regardless what job I choose? Do I really want this job? The answer is Yes.

What’s stopping me? I have no idea.

How am I to know what’s right?

A Whatsapp Message To My Mum

 

Dear Zach,

“mum, I know you and dad are very disappointed in my choice of career right now. But I just want to let you know that I am still young and fresh-graduated, I still want to explore different options of career to find what it seems fit to me. Not that I don't want to work in the office, I do. I believe this opportunity will always be there forever until we die. Life is too short and I want to try out different thing, dipping myself in the seawater to see the world. I am not as old as gor gor 28 this year. He has left no choice to continue to work the job he supposed to be. But I am still young, wasting a year or two would not make any harm to me because that's when I will get to know what job is suitable to me. It is true that I enjoyed studying biotech in college for the sake of knowledge. But when comes into reality, it isn't showing much promising prospect in career - that of course doesn't include the sales and marketing part. I have been offered a few positions last time which I had told you about, there are very tempting and attractive, but my interest wasn't there. I didn't accept it because I know sooner or later I will quit eventually. I didn't really want to disappoint you by my quitting. For the past 3 weeks, I had learnt a lot. I didn't want to quit at the first place. But when comes to consideration of you and dad, I decided to quit and find another one which has a basic salary at least. Mum, i know you want me to follow exactly what you have in mind - work what I had studied. I know you knew me better than I know myself, I have the 5-minutes syndrome. But please, let me and myself venture into different career path. Even if I fail, I will still come back home to you and dad, and start whole new again. Let me make mistakes, let me fail in life. I know you and dad are very protective. I can't help the way i feel. I know you both love me very much. I am very blessed to have you both in my life. You have your right to worry about me, but, mum, I am not a boy; not yet a man.. this is the time where I should venture myself into something different. Who knows in future I might excel in that? I know you and dad are very upset of my demeanor 2 nights ago. I hereby apologize for what I said. I know you and dad will have no idea what to say to the relatives about my job, don't worry , I will have it handled. Please, don't be embarrassed of your son for doing something he wish to do. You both should be proud of your son for wanting to take risk in life and be the man you both and I want to be. I am sorry and love you both. :)”

xx

I Quit My Job

 

Dear Zach,

I quit my job.

No. It’s not that my boss doesn’t like me. Neither my sales results was showing bad. Is because my job has no basic salary but has high commission rate.

But all comes down to the typical parental objections against my job - a strong one.

We had a huge argument about my job nature which was totally unacceptable for a degree holder to do – according to them. I should work according to something there is in relation to what I studied in college, they said. I should look for oversea jobs, and there’s future in oversea, they said. I don’t wish to continue what I did in college in my career itself, I said. I was accused of being rude to them by reasoning to them in raising my voice a little bit, they said.

They are not even being supportive at the first place, so why I should continue doing something I like that they don’t. The reason they were being so angry about me is because they said that I wasted a hefty amount of money in getting that stupid degree which doesn’t seem fit in my choice of career. That they feel very disappointed in me. That they had high expectation on me. That they would rely on me. That all their hopes on me had just evaporated.

I’ve told them I don’t want to work in office job because it’s really boring to me. Apparently they were not listening to me. Still being upset about my demeanor and choice of career.

Before resigning, I went for interview in Fitness First. And I didn’t expect I got hired to be Personal Trainer. When I got home, I broke the news to them, and they flipped. That’s where the huge argument began – saying low basic salary, no future, high-ended gym is always full of drug addicts (how and what the fuck did they read that from?).

Since the argument yesterday til now, we talked to each other less than 10 words. We are not talking to each other.

I sacrificed my job just for the sake of their objection against my job.

Conclusion, they care their dignity more than me as their son himself.

Vulnerable

 

Dear Zach,

Hey everyone! I had survived through the midst week and am still surviving and feeling ever stronger – not sure if I am stronger than I think or pretend to be someone I am not.

I still have doubts in my capability in this job handling. It’s been 10 days since I started working. I faced challenges everyday but not every time I could overcome it. Most of the challenges are rejection, especially when you got rejected by 30 persons per day. How would you feel?

Today, I got rejected by more than 30 persons. Needless to say, my result’s showing sucks. I tried to hold back my tears while standing in front of the bank, waiting and trying every ounce of my energy to stop customers with a fake smile plastered on my face, but to no avail. I keep telling myself, Stay strong, be positive. As the more I got rejected, the more despair I had become. There’s a split second I wanted to give up and go home – I didn’t. I tried my hardest to stop every person walking pass by me when there’s only 2 minutes left til cutoff period.

I picked my stuff and walked back to my car, ignited my engine, laid back to take a deep breath. My eyes were brimming with warm tears and my voice chocked.

After holding back my tears for 10 days, I’ve finally let down the side of my vulnerability. 

Me Against The Tides

 

Dear Zach,

My parents are very against of my job nature. Yup. I am doing outdoor sales that I have to be standing outside the street asking for people to sign up. No one in the world would want to do that because of embarrassment that one have to endure. When I was asked to go on field on the second day, I was nervous and couldn’t articulate the script I have remembered to pitch the customers. I jumbled up my speech and ended very badly for the day. I know one couldn’t be genius in one day. The next day, I tried harder to approach customers, and completed my presentation in full of mistakes. I learnt from the mistakes. And I can’t deny the fact that I was very frustrated because I was incapable of doing such simple task. But, my senior has told me that I must not lose my attitude and enthusiasm because our job nature requires such important basic elements to succeed.

Besides, I’ve gotten a lot of remarks about my tone of voice, facial expression, my posture, my work ethics and my confidence – it was all average as I expected. Or maybe below than average. I can’t put the blame on customers; I can’t put the blame on somebody else; I can only put the blame on me for not trying harder and for wanting the urge of proving myself I could do it alone without assistance – these have totally kill my day when I was got to be allocated at the very fine places where people can be easily signed up with us. It was day 6 – and my results were showing terrible. I was thinking if I was able to do that anymore or I was suitable for doing that anymore.

Today, my parents told me, let’s see if you can last for 2 months at least in your job. They always think I should be doing something they think I should be doing. Accepting this job offer to them is the biggest mistake to me – according to them. Because there’s no benefits or any sort of remuneration for me. But I accepted it because I see opportunity in this job. I disregard whatever negativity coming out from my parents mouth. I can’t deny the fact that not having their support in my is really hard as they are really against my job nature. And the failure I did for the past days had really brought me down to a whole new level of disappointment. But I bounce back up for trying my hardest by pitching to myself in the car while driving, taking shower in the toilet, even in my room doing roughly more than five times.

I don’t want to give up on this job. I know I could do it. It’s just matter of time to prove myself to my parents that they are very much mistaken. And I think I am slowly in love with my job already.

Never Say Never

 

Dear Zach,

It had been a roller coaster ride for the past 6 days. I basically had left my laptop untouched everyday after I came back home from work, feeling exhausted after long day of standing outside pitching to customers. I have learnt filthy much in the past six days. I have learnt to fail and failed to learn. I have got to know my mistakes so much that it starting to accumulate into huge big pile of mess inside of me. And the most frustrating and saddening thing was that I couldn’t even successfully close the targeted sales everyday. I was feeling useless and really disappointed in myself thinking I could have done better than I have expected.

Everyone in the company is surrounded by positive atmosphere. I dare to say that there’s no negative aura lingering around in there because no one wants to be that way – and my boss insists on being positive and happy before walking into the office. I was in shocked when I first came in there. Thinking people in here are all fake, high fiving in passing by, and smiling for no reason. When I realized that it wasn’t fake – it was me being judgmental at the first place. We have to be that way. Because in this kind of business, being negative and judgmental would basically kill your own career path along the way.

Being the always negative side of me, I have tried to change. I had tried not to give up easily. Everyday, I came back home feeling contented with something new I have learnt. I don’t feel boring at all. I have my reason to wake up every morning at 5.30 am, partly because I needed to skip the jam. I woke up feeling driven by the failure I had yesterday. I tried. And tried. And trying. My peers and colleagues never stopped to encourage me, give me advice, tips, and experiences they have to me. I realized everyone in this company started as who I am today. Know nothing about the job scope, feeling depressed about the failure I endured.

When I got to know about the story of everyone behind their success, I didn’t feel like giving up at all – I have to admit at one point I really do want to give up but I didn’t. Today, I didn’t not feel really much enthusiastic today because I lost my sales and was far away from my target sales. It sucks and I feel sucks. And now I have all the more reasons to work 10 times harder than anyone else. I need to prove that I can do what they can do; do what they can’t do.

I am not gonna cry. I am not.

xx

In 2015 … I will

 

Dear Zach,

1. I will gain 10 kg heavier of my current weight. It sounds impossible because it is impossible. I had tried gaining 5 kg last year but it failed. Miserably. So let’s get the stake higher and be impossible again.

2. I will monitor my expenditure by not spending on unnecessary items. Which probably impossible because these items I spent on are my modal kits and novels, my two favorite things, in which it will cost a quite amount of my money. There’s nothing unnecessary there but my expenditure will surely be increased.

3. I will try to stop swearing and being sarcastic. My job nature requires me to be highly professional by putting a good image on myself and behalf of the company. But that will not stop me from cursing in my car during the highly packed traffic hours.

4. I will smile. Constant smiling. Even though I will have a bad day. But I will not smile to people whom I make enemy with.

5. I will minimize the frequency of sleeping with guys. I try not to use the terms ‘sleeping around’ because it sounds too slutty of me. But, still. I can’t deny the fact that this whole sentence sounding as whoring as it can be. FYI, I am not.

6. I will be more socialized. I will try to initiate some random small talk with people. Hopefully, I won’t get slapped or spitted. But the notion itself is getting on me.

7. I will keep in touch with people that I had lost in touch. But their phone contacts have been long gone, that will have to wait for them to text me first. So, I will wait til then.

8. I will do a good deed as often as possible. Scientific proven that doing charitable work can make a happy human being. Please do not be mistaken by the meaning of it. It creates good mood; Not breeding a newly born human being.

9. I will appreciate and be grateful for what I will have and be given. Appreciation is the best foreplay.

10. I will speak less and listen more. This is highly applicable when your opponent is full of himself so that you can judge him silently.

11. I will be patient, calm, forgiving, rational, and tolerate with all the negativities … for the first time. If there’s a second wave of it coming, I won’t be so much a fucking sane person anymore, he will have another one coming from me. 

12. I will make this blog more interesting than ever. By interesting, it doesn’t mean that I will include my nude photos and selfies – I don’t take selfie anyway. I will write even more words than it already does. Just joking.

 

 

Not sure all above are doable. Let’s see.

xx

Purpose

 

Dear Zach,

When my mum and I were being sentimental about the past and skeptical about the future, I’ve thought what I will have become in 5 years from now. What will happen in this entirely brand new year?

It’s remained unknown.

“It’s another year again. I have no idea what will happen next. Or what will happen in next 5 years,” she said. I looked at her. She was looking through the window, contemplating about what the future holds on her. “Not sure who will be here, or who will be gone by then.” She sighed, turned her back and continued her housework.

A lump in my throat threatening to burst. She is unsure if she’s able to live through that milestone.

Life – it is scary.

I looked at her from her back. And I walked back to my room, and laid on my bed. Closed my eyes. 

I guess I have found my purpose of living in 5 years from now.