Love & Sex

 

Dear Zach,

I have stumbled upon a few blogs that I usually stalked, or at least I have stalked once in a while, to have known that most of them are happily attached. By reading their posts about how they spent their time with theirs’ partner, to me it is such a wonderful news to have heard some people like us to have finally found someone they can fully trust and love and to be taken care of as what a couple should be. On the other hand, I have read a few posts about breaking up with their partner after having been together for 6 months or 3 years, moving on from breakup with full positivity. Though I am not sure if they are able to handle such breakup by ingraining themselves with optimisms or still reeling over the traumatic breakup. But I am sincerely hoping they are doing well.

It’s good to know there are people out there still believe in love and still searching for it even though we both know the fact that such rare kind of love is on the edge of extinction. Not because people do not practice traditional way of seeking love but because of how the community itself being accustomed to such ‘modern’ way, for example: sex at first sight followed by whatever thing you think you call love. Yes. It’s the way how the gay society works and we both know we can hardly escape from such circumstances. It is funny when those guy on Grindr describe themselves with ‘only LTR’ but ended up they are the one who approaches you with ‘hey, fun? where at?’. So that means you want ‘LTR with FUN and it only takes place in somewhere on earth?’. I can’t help but sarcastically laugh at those guy who so called themselves as LTR-seekers.

I love sex. I enjoy sex with different guys. You can say I am a slut. No offence taken. But I, myself, is an old-fashioned type of guy when comes to dating. If possible, I could restrain from having sex with the guy I date. Because dating with a guy you like is remotely different from shagging a guy you lust. Sometimes dating is the new form of sex. A non-physical, mind-connecting, mind-boggling, reverie, much immense and intense feeling form of … sex. I don’t know what kind of theory is that but whatever. A guy who practices old-fashioned way of dating is a guy who is worth keeping. This kind of guy is virtually going to extinct.

But what makes me losing faith in this gay circle is the proposition of having open relationship, which eventually lead to cheating each other VERY frequently, especially having been together for two year at most, things between two persons starting to change, and then two persons drift apart calling it off, followed by crying and feeling depressed in post-breakup moment, and crying again, having sleepless nights for months, til then you will realize it’s time to move on. It’s a one big cycle. If only I could draw a chart showing the correlations between all of it. Though it’s hard for people to endure such process, but it’s a valuable experience you could gain from each and every relationship you have ever been in. That’s what makes you wiser and tougher than you ever were.

Love can either make or break you. It always does something influential to people. I always admire people who are still able to be optimistic when comes to forgetting the past relationship. Or at least pretending to be. Which either way is a good thing instead of holding on to same spot mulling over something which is unchangeable. Sometimes it is good to have fallen in love, fallen out love, and repeated the same cycle, til you really realize thing you ever wanted in life. When love comes knocking around, it certainly does something funny to you – the happiest person alive. 

xx

50 Shades Of Never-Trust-A-Guy

 

Dear Zach,

1. Never trust a guy with a good face.
2. Never trust a guy with a hot body.
3. Never trust a guy with a huge bulge.
4. Never trust a guy with the combination of good face and hot body and huge bulge.
5. Never trust a guy’s word before getting laid.
6. Never trust a guy’s word during sex.
7. Never in a million years trust a guy’s word after having sex. Especially this one.
8. Never trust a guy who thinks he is clean.
9. Never trust a guy who has unprotected sex.
10. Never trust a guy who never has unprotected sex.
11. Never trust a guy who says he would definitely see you again after sex.
12. Never trust a guy who says he would call you.
13. Never trust a guy who prefers texting over a phone call or meeting face2face.
14. Never trust a guy who says he misses you.
15. Never trust a guy who says he misses you over a text.
16. Never trust a guy who very much sexting all the time.
17. Never trust a guy who says he likes you.
18. Never trust a guy who says he really likes you while himself still in a relationship.
19. Never trust a guy who says he really likes you so much over a text.
20. Never trust a guy who says he really likes you but never made an effort of doing something likeable. So much for the likes.
21. Never trust a guy who has Grindr or Jack’d. Or both.
22. Never trust a guy who doesn’t have Grindr or Jack’d. Or both.
23. Never trust a guy who is gay and has never heard of Grindr and Jack’d. You will have my approval to slap him.
24. Never trust a guy who says he would be loyal after having a relationship.
25. Never trust a guy who says he would never have threesome in a relationship.
26. Never trust a guy who says he would never have an open relationship.
27. Never trust a guy who says he doesn’t miss his exes.
28. Never trust a guy who still hang out with his exes.
29. Never fucking trust a guy who is a two-timer.
30. Never trust a guy who breaks your promise.
31. Never trust a guy who betrays you trust.
32. Never trust a guy who goes to gay saunas.
33. Never trust a guy who goes to club.
34. Never trust a guy in the club.
35. Never trust a guy who goes buddy-buddy with everyone he barely knows.
36. Never trust a guy who has an ugly heart.
37. Never trust a guy who is so flamboyant.
38. Never trust a guy who asks for booty-call.
39. Never trust a guy who treats a relationship so flippant.
40. Never trust a guy who never takes thing seriously.
41. Never trust a guy who is filthy rich. I personally hate this one.
42. Never trust a guy who works as a pilot.
43. Never trust a guy who works as a doctor.
44. Never trust a guy who works as a negotiator. 
45. Never trust a guy who is smarter than you.
46. Never trust a guy who reads.
47. Never trust a guy who is gay-popular.
48. Never trust a guy who is ready for commitment.
49. Never trust a guy who is ready to spend the rest of his life with you.
50. Never trust a guy who loves you.

 

The idea of writing this down just came out of the blue. 90% of it are based on my experience as a gay guy.

xx

Note To Self

 

Dear Zach,

 

I’ve finally found a reason to live my life.

I’m done worrying; I’m gonna start living.

Live happily. You will look younger in 40s.

xx

Dancing All Night Long

 

Dear Zach,

Last night, I probably had the best night ever!

No. I did not have sex.

I went dancing in Zouk club in KL town. I didn’t know dancing in the club would have so much of fun.

All the adrenalines and hypes ignited by the blasting music in the confined dance floor. It released me into a different person.

I described best night because I really did not expect to be hit on by a super-duper-hot-blonde-blue-eyes-six-feet-tall-athletic-white guy. Good god, he’s fucking hot. There were several times he pulled me into him whispering something I could barely hear at all under the blasting loud music. At one time, he grabbed the back of my head pulled toward him, for the split second I thought he was trying to kiss me, my friends were in shock too, only to have known that he was whispering something to me but I couldn’t make out what he’s trying to say, so I just gave out my megawalt smile and nodded. But his soft lips caressing my ears sent shivers to my little brother and my inner heart was doing somersault. How I wish I could kiss his soft lips. He smells so good too! I think he’s being friendly. I don’t think he’s gay. But being able to talk to and touch a white guy in such close proximity is probably the best thing ever happened to me!

And the next best thing was that there was this one very handsome cute guy, first I thought he was straight, eventually I realized he wasn’t. He’s gay. He’s definitely gay. He was kinda shy, standing at the side of dance floor, watching people dancing their ass off. I was dancing my ass off meanwhile checking him out intervally. I guess he sensed me checking him out, and then he directed his attention to me while sipping his bottled beer absentmindedly. I gotta say he’s sooooo cute!! He’s totally my type. I kept looking at him while dancing my way on the dance floor, and in return he’s giving out his charming smile to me without taking off his eyes of me. My friend was being a bad girl trying to push me toward him and she did. When we were so close to each other, I wanted turn around to talk to him, or maybe I could dance with him. Out of the blue, his friend, who is 10 years older than him, whispered something to him, he then walked out of the club with him. Just like that. Like never came back inside for the next 10 minutes. I was so frustrated. Mentally and sexually. I just danced like nobody business til my friend asked to leave. When I was outside, I was trying searching out for him but to no avail. Mixture of disappointment and frustration crushed on me. I missed  the chance of talking to a guy who could possibly and potentially be my boyfriend. I just let the chance slipped away. 

Never mind. At least I got to be hit on by a hot white guy. Some consolation price maybe. Besides, I am really happy that I could spot a gay guy or being spotted by in a straight club. It’s so thrilling yet intimidating to try my luck to ‘detect’ people like us. No worry. I did not expect so much for last night. All I ever wanted to do was to throw my hands in the air and dance all night long. And I did.

xx

Done And Dusted With My Degree!

Dear Zach,

It was done and dusted! Finally I had completed 3 years of my degree life. So much of hardwork had finally paid off.
Despite the fact that I am done with it, I am still not feeling the sense of accomplishment about it. For others, it is a very huge major accomplishment to be able to achieved. Anyway, it is still one step forward to my goal.
Next stop, I will be doing my Master’s.
Yup. I have been planning getting my Master already. In fact, if everything goes well, I will be continuing my studies next year February in UPM. I am really looking forward to next year.

xx

Backpacking

 

Dear Zach,

An idea stroke me when I first snapped open my eyes first thing in the morning – backpacking.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time. Travelling alone around the country. Since my mind is exhausted from thinking too much, I think it’s time to make it happen. To find a new part of myself. An implantation maybe.

I am planning of heading to Penang. It’s a place where everyone has been to and relatively free and easy. You won’t get lost there unless you are stupid enough to. Staying in a cheap hostel, strolling around in town, and having an one-night stand with non-local people would be a good kickstart for an amateur backpacker like me.

I can’t remember when was the last time I’ve been there. It was like 12 years ago with my primary school trip.

I will be going there next month before I go for my internship. Til then.

xx

Overthinking

 

Dear Zach,

I come to realize that overthinking can really make your heart weakened due to extensive of sighing for thousand times a day per se.

I have the tendency of overthinking. About my life. Mostly.

Is it really bad to overthink something that you would never know it would happen in future? I just want to think of any possibility of making things right if shits happen in future. I know bad events happen unprecedentedly. Just like the MH17. Gone. Just like that. Having myself planning my future which I don’t have a clue what will happen next as if building something from a scratch. Not exactly a good analogy but whatever.

I tried to talk to somebody. Turned out I got the same response/lecture as everyone had given. “Don’t overthink.”

Is it wrong to find a deeper meaning of my life and relationship by overthinking about it?

Is it wrong to be worried now rather than worry later?

Is it wrong to be worried at all?

I’m just taking precautions for my future sake. No, I am not making my life complicated as it can be. I just wanna make things right.

I can’t blame him for not understanding me. It’s okay. Because I am not the kind of person that people can easily understand.

I just need to be away from everything. Facebook. Instagram. I’ve just deleted them from my phone. I need to be alone and think. And think. And think. And die of overthinking.

Tell me stop overthinking.

 

 

It won’t work that way.

Travel Apart

 

Dear Zach,

“When I travel, I travel to see new places; When he travels, he travels to find new parts of himself. I guess when you are trying to find all the parts of yourself, it is difficult to be with someone who is already fully intact.” – Cecelia Ahern, The Time Of My Life.

 

That’s when two people drifted apart.

Back In Home

 

Dear Zach,

I am pretty much alive on the outside but dead on the inside. Ever since I shifted my belongings from my dorm back to my home, I have been missing my old room. Pretty much actually. I still haven’t got over the weekly Sunday night routine of packing my stuff going back to my dorm, embracing myself for Mondays to come.

Having known that I had moved back to my home after being situated in jungle for 4 years is kind of unused. It’s not easy to break a daily ritual after spending 4 years over there. I never really have thought the day of moving out from my dorm had come so soon. Not to mention the fact that I will be finishing my degree very soon. I can’t help but feeling sentimental about leaving this place that I had spent 4 years of walking, chasing, cursing, and laughing. For the past few nights, I have been having insomnia. Sleeping under air-conditioning environment and my otherworldly comfortable bed, I still couldn’t find myself drowning in my sleep.

I think I would get the hang of it. Breaking one’s habit is not an one-day task.

Ever since I came back home, I lost my mood of doing anything. I have my one final presentation on this coming Thursday and I have yet to prepare. My final exam is on next Tuesday and I have yet to start scribbling on my notes. I just lost the motivation. Good God. Please give me strength. I need to stop dreading and start doing something good.  

xx

Stay The Night

 

Dear Zach,

 

Tonight could be my last night staying in my dorm. This is it. Last night sleeping here where I had been sleeping for the past 4 years.

I am happy and sad at the same time about leaving this place. Most probably I am going to miss this second home of mine.

The small cubicle. With only a bed, desk, and built-in wardrobe. A place that I have totally adapted to it so well I couldn’t think of actually leaving this comfort zone of mine sooner than I’ve expected. I could still remember the first time sleeping in this small heaven. The memory is so refreshing in my mind it seemed it happened just yesterday. And plenty of actions happening in this room too! If you know what I meant.

This room will soon be occupied by another tenant. Be it an asshole or a good-hearted person like me, it will be missed.

Tomorrow I will be packing some of my stuffs back home. Next week I will have my final presentation of my final year project, after that I will be coming back to this room for the last time to pack up the remaining stuffs and bit goodbye to my second home.

I can’t.

xx

Holding Up

 

Dear Zach,

I’ve always been holding it together ever since I knew I was gay. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as I could have thought and I knew it would never be easy to walk down such winding road.

I’ve created a barrier ever since. Between me and my friends and my parents. I’ve never talked about my relationship to my parents, simply because I couldn’t and don’t even have anything to say about. I guess my mum is being suspicious about me for a very long time and I’ve got the feeling it’s true.

Rarely I’d touch this sensitive topic with my friends either. Except my two best friends whom I am always confided to. Or rather I’d very much happy to confide it to strangers.

I’ve learnt to be tough. To be stronger each day than I can ever be. To believe in myself that I could be independent. To be able to fight for what it is worth fighting for. I never cried in front of everybody. It shows the sign of weakness. I couldn’t bare the thought of dropping my tears in front of people I knew. I’ve never shown love to somebody I really like. I couldn’t take the risk. I’d never tried. The thought of being hurt by somebody you love, it’s unbearable and unimaginable. Though a person who had never been in love has no right to talk about being hurt, but I’ve learnt it from somebody’s else story. It’s more than enough to have known the fact that being hurt is really damaging feeling you could ever feel.

I hold it together. Constantly telling myself I can never give up on something I am really passionate about. Working out is my passion now. It’s a lifestyle I should say. Sometimes I couldn’t help but feeling defeated whenever I look into the mirror, seeing myself with seemingly no improvement after so much of hardworks I have put into. I wonder why I should push so hard for. Who am I going to show to?   

I am tired. I just wanted to drop the wall and open up. My inner heart has to be freed. Holding up is a really tiring task one could ever ask for.