Selfish

Dear Zach,

I never saw myself as a selfish being when I was young. I was always upheld with the notion of "when you be kind to someone, you will be rewarded" or some sort. After over a decade living as an adult in the cruel world, having a virtue trait of kindness is an absolute rare existence.

My dad is and has always been kind-hearted to people, especially to neighbors or family friends. His virtue is what made him, as a quiet man, to be having unexpectedly good amount of friends in his life. His friendly demeanor is what made him likeable, easily trusted, and dependent as a family man. Somehow, his virtue is somewhat ruined his life, our life, spiraling down from being in a reasonably wealthy middle-class family to a family almost go through bankruptcy. This happened when I was somewhere in my age between 8 to 12. He ran a chemical business with a few business partners and ended up getting cheated in large sum of money, leaving him with debts and filled lawsuits. That time we just moved to a new 2-story terrace house, I was young and not knowing he was going through such a hardship until my mum told us about it few years later.

"He is kind. Too kind and trusting with people." My mum said, sounding as if the virtue my dad has was a curse. Somehow, we managed to pull through and he still continue the business on his own with only a few big factory customers on hand to get by.

When I grew up, I told myself not to be kind, unless I was treated with kindness, then I reciprocate. Throughout my 20s as a working adult, I have met countless of unkind people. I started to become less verbal in work. That I was deemed being too unfriendly. People surrounded me started talking to me less. I couldn't be bothered. As it went on, I was unhappy so I quit. I job-hopped a lot. Somehow, my quiet demeanor has mysteriously upset many people. I decided to give up and work on my own.

To this day, I was still being unfriendly. I have my own resting-bitch face. I do my own thing I don't bother anyone else. Even when I kickstart my art career the year before, I created my own page on IG and all started from there. All opportunities came without being face-to-face talking with people. People like what they saw, they invited me to participate for art exhibition, fairs, and etc. I built it on my own without the help of others. I have gone through my own ways to be able to work with them.

Last month, my dad came back from a trip and has made friend with the tour guide who took care of him during the whole trip. She, then, set up a lunch date catching up with my dad 2 weeks later. She brought along her daughter for lunch after picking up her younger daughter. Somehow in between the conversation, she casually mentioned her daughter is working in graphic art designs, my dad think of me and told them I did the same but more into traditional art. Of course, he told them about the exhibitions and fairs I had.

When he was back home, he asked if I could show them my work and some ways for her daughter so that she has an idea for the venture. I downright said "no.". He was taken back. After a few attempts of trying to get some info out from me, he knew I wouldn't budge, so he disappointedly walked away. That's the end of story.

Yes, I was being selfish. I don't see the point of giving out my own works and ways for someone I didn't even know so that she can just walk right into it easily. She even has far more perks than me as she is already working in the graphic design industry. Moreover, she is a SHE. Bitch, you want equality so bad but when comes to career ladder, you didn't even want to work your way up yourself?

Even in the gym, there are some guys approached me more tips. I just casually told them the generic answers I always have rather than explaining what I did so that they could did the same. I won't give away free shit advice so that they can shortcut to achieving their goal without going through all hardwork I did for years.

Yes, I am selfish - I have always been. At this point of life, everyone wants a piece of anyone in an easy way.