I Am Not Ready

Dear Zach,

We are into each other.

I try to take it slow; you seem to be going faster than I ever thought.

You want me to be with you all the time.

I can't do that; I am not ready to do that.

We had barely known each other 2 weeks - I can feel that you want something more out of us.

I can't give it to you yet. I am not ready to do that.

I told you that I was not ready to do that. But I don't want to lose you as a friend.

You ignored me - ignored whatever messages I've sent it to you.

I guess I am losing you.

Desire

Dear Zach,

When we were young during primary school years, we were told to be hardworking, because being hardworking would definitely bring you results you desired, or something more than what you had desired in the end of the day, such as acing Math test or getting a trophy for winning in drawing competition. Being hardworking is what everyone were told throughout the whole life, regardless when you were in young or in adolescence, especially when comes to studying. It's true that if you ever be lazy for one day, you are so gonna flunk your Genetic test. 

Yes. Hardworking is good; Hardworking is virtual. Even when comes to working life, you are told to be hardworking: for a better living; to pay off debt; for your car or house loan; any kind of commitments in which every adult has to face. But not everyone has the same desire to work hard for. I am the living proof now. I have been told to workhard so that you can earn more; I have been told to workhard so that you will whole new opinion about you. This is the standard most of them set in the club: workhard for a better living. I understand. 

I truly understand that working hard for a better living is of importance of most people. I don't workhard for the sake of a better living; I workhard for the sake of my happiness. I admit I am not the most hardworking person in the club, simply because I refuse to let the standard implemented on me. The desire of theirs is not the same as mine. I have other desire other than working hard in something I have no intention to put into. It's quite sickening when they think you are not the same page with them. 

Hardworking is the right thing to do when you have a right desire. 

We found virtual lust in a hopeless place.

Dear Zach,

So these are the trends right now living in the gay community, regardless where you guys met, IG or Facebook, or any sort of social networking that both accidentally came across of shirtless picture of both and started liking, commenting, and flirting. 

1. Stumbled upon this guy with top off, abs showing, chest popping on Instagram. And liking his pic and, within minute, he liked back your picture. 

2. Started liking a few of his shirtless pictures. And he liked back a few of mine - non-shirtless picture. 

3. Then, he initiated a chat over Instagram direct messaging with a sexy pic of his. 

4. And the picture of his is too sexy we started chatting, flirting, and sexting. 

5. Both sex chemistry were there. Flowing and endless. Foolishly thinking to meet up for coffee. Or tea. 

6. Slowly chatting on Instagram was getting annoying and irritated, he asked for an exchange of mobile number. We did.

7. Somewhat chatting in Whatsapp has killed off some steam between both of us. And it felt weird and awkward, and didn't feel like continuing where we started off at the first place. 

8. Conversation was started off long and winding with words and paragraphs. 

9. Slowly it was getting meaningless and plain boring. Shortened it into one lines or two. Eventually, one word or two.

10. The conversation eventually died off. Neither of us intended to continue and said Goodbye, which means we secretly hope that we might get in touch someday. And then there goes the conversation 4 days ago. 

Sigh. 

We found virtual love lust in hopeless place. 

x

My Current Life

Dear Zach,

I have been doing good - there were times I had doubted myself if I was doing it right or rightly wrong. And also there were times I had doubts in my decision in terms of career and choices I had made that it made me think if I recklessly did it just for the sake of my heart wants. 

I have learnt so much for past 5 months ever since I worked as a Personal Trainer - though it is something I have been wanting to do for quite long, because of this I have been asked if this is a right choice of career for me since I am too young to be here. I have been told to continuing my studies since I am too young with a bachelor degree. Too young to be working. There's no such thing too young in life - we start young, we end with gold. 

And I have been preoccupied with a lot of thinking lately, to the point where my colleagues sensed something was wrong with me. And I have been asked to one-on-one with my manager and discuss about what I have been up to. I told him everything - he's really understanding and caring as a manager and friend himself. Even though I confessed everything, my shoulder lift up, but the solution isn't found. I told myself that I should work for one year at least, and I'll see from there if this journey of my life is worth taking step into.

 I am pretty much enjoying every single minute of my work - it's meaningful and worthwhile. And everyone working in the club has known I am gay. It's pretty much a known fact. They are cool with it. And I am cool with it. 

Hope Burnt

Dear Zach,

When you realized, as always, that your photos on Instagram were liked by a cute guy, and he initiated a conversation with you thinking he might be interested in you or something, and the flow went along, gradually and eventually to have known that his intention is to find someone to have sex.

This is why hot guys are asshole.

xx

Latter

Dear Zach,

At moments when life is at its worst there are two things you can do: 1) break down, lose hope and refuse to go on while laying face down on the ground banging your fists and kicking your legs, or ... 2) laugh. I did the latter.

xx

One Fucked Up Society

Dear Zach,

It's harsh to receive comments about your work ethic when you think yourself doing it right.
And being treated in unfair manner isn't feeling that good either.
And being made fun of my sexual orientation definitely the worst one.
People are just being jealous of me for having my own sweet time.
And they are trying to think of a way to attack me.
Because of all of these, I've become more and more aggravated with things around me.
And people around me started to see the true side of myself which is not true at all.
I have been told to change for the sake of myself and my job - be more hardworking, be more nice.
I am nice; they refuse see it but the ugly truth. I am not as hardworking as others - I admit this; Because I am unsure if this is something I should hardwork for.
Maybe this is the reality of the society - it changes people. When they don't talk to you, they start to talk about you.