Tired To Please

Dear Zach,

I'm reaching to the point that I was so tired of these sliding message in my Instagram account and begin with friendly greeting to the where he started saying horny and shit.

Is this what am I supposed to get from men? Is that it?

They see me as sex object?

Why can't they say something nice to me?

I'm gonna respect myself before I throw myself into another lie again.

Paranoia

Dear Zach,

I'm still debating to blog about this. 

Even though I was tested clean last Saturday. But, on Sunday, I had sex with this Malay daddy for the second time. It was great sex. He fucked so hard for the last few minutes before he cum. But the only thing that irked me was that I wasn't sure if the condom slipped off when he cum or it slipped off when he pull out that time. I was extremely paranoid. I even checked the condom while he was showering. It didn't have any white remnants. He said he came last night so probably not much cum in the condom. Which I resort to the notion of cumming inside of me. I did try to shit it out afterward, nothing came out. 

On the way back home, I asked if he's clean, last sex with, safe sex and last checkup. His last checkup was July 2017. Not sure if I am afraid. On Tuesday, my throat is itching. Then I have a mild fever. My paranoia began. I texted him again if he's telling the truth. He got fed up with me. Saying I shouldn't be having sex at all.

"If I were to be infected, probably God punished me for my undoing. Hopefully I won't spread it to others too." I can't blame him for having a go at me. But I was too scare. He said he did not have any rashes or fever or any sort of symptoms. No. None. 

I frantically checked online if the symptoms show in 3 or 4 days after contracting. It's not very likely.  

Probably I was happened to be under the weather these few days? 

Please God. 

Please tell me it's just under the weather. 

Fuck You

Dear Zach,

I feel foolish. It's okay. At least I know now that I don't really love him as much as I thought I would. Instead, I felt an instant relief. I'm done with him.

I didn't wake up feeling dreadful; I felt a surge of motivation to improve my well-being.

Fuck him. At least I didn't have raw sex with him. Thank God. I still don't trust him saying he didn't meet anyone else. Fuck I would believe him. Every man tells a lie. He ain't shit.

Hope he won't get HIV from the sex he gets. He would have seen it coming.

It's fucking over

Dear Zach,

He wants space. I gave him a fucking space. A space that says "over"

"A lot of thing in my mind to take care of. I need some space."

"I won't bother you anymore."

I made an fucking effort. He didn't. It's over. I deserve someone better than this scumbag. Fuck him.

Annual Checkup For HIV-STD screening

Dear Zach,

So I went for blood test for HIV-STD screening on Monday and got my report back on Saturday. I am tested clean. It's just that I am in the grey zone for Chlamydia. Which mean I may not have it or may have it.
For the safe side, I straightaway went to the panel clinic with my report to get medication. Though I am glad my report came back with negative.

  

No Move

Dear Zach,

He has yet made any feedback to me.

And yet he has time for Instagram.

I am not important to him anymore.

I should let him go.

Too Little Too Late

Dear Zach,

It wasn't easy for me to deal it.

He was at outstation. He said he will be back here soon and sort this out.

He told me he's meeting a few guys but nothing more than that. It's just beginning of the stage. Getting to know each other but not more than that.

"You have moved on. I understand."

"Options are always open." He said.

I have confessed everything to him. Now the ball is at his side. Whether or not he wants to accept it. It's entirely up to him.

I don't force him. My ultimate goal is to let him know I love him. If he's not interested in me anymore, I perfectly understand.

I guess its too little too late for now. Probably I should move on too.

Confession of Love

Dear Zach,

" ..... I love you ...." I listened to the voice note that I sent to him few hours ago. I said it. Over a voicenote. Confessing my love to him. I did it. I never did such thing.

I wasn't sure why I did it. It just occurred to me when I unwillingly scroll through his Instagram. I left 10 voicenote on whatsapp to him.

I told him he's the only guy I'ever fallen in love with. The first guy I love.

"I'm sorry if I said this now. I do love you a lot. I love you. If you have found someone else, I don't mind. But I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you for the past 2 years. I love you, Adam."