Like A Virgin

Dear Zach,

It has been exactly one month since I last had sex. To my own surprise, I have not been thinking about it all. Although there are times I was horny, I get myself sorted during shower. There were a few nights I wanted to booty call someone to my place, then I thought to myself that the post-sex cleaning up does not worth the hassle. After all, I need my 8-hours sleep. One of the pakistanis top texted me again after ghosting me for 3 months. I was really tempted to answer his text and be at his place for a quick fuck as he always do. But I decided to ignore him just to remind me that he only finds me when there is no one else available for him, despite the fact that I miss his big dick a lot.

I can feel my orifice is getting tighter due to prolonged unused. Like my layer of virginity is starting to grow back from the beginning of the new year til date. Everything about me starting afresh - getting my sexual health tested and treated, and not installing Grindr when I feel extremely horny. 

Somehow, I failed in controlling myself endlessly scrolling bottomless feed in FB reels. That needs to stop for real.

 

Clap

Dear Zach,

I still keep in touch with this 23 y.o Malay guy for the past few months since we met in last October. Our sex was still good. Somehow he tend to cum quicker these days. We now always meet at the cheap motel where it caters convenience for both of us. Our last meet up was exactly one month ago, it was our 3rd time meeting up. I did plan to meet up again for new year eve sex but he had plans.

Last night, he texted me out of the blue. Telling me he has gonorrhea and I should get tested. After a few questioning with him, he was very sure he got it from me. He has green penile discharge on Tuesday, and went for a check on Wednesday, and doctor was sure of it that it is gonorrhea.

I am pretty sure I have no symptoms or whatsoever, and probably asymptomatic in this case. I told him I'll get myself checked later. My last STD checkup was in 2022 - the results came out wasn't as "clean" as I thought. I got tested positive for herpes 1 and 2. But doctor mentioned that herpes is pretty much common in people to contract both of them unless they don't have sex. 

After gym, I left for a blood testing laboratory for STD checkup. I was introduced a screening package for a STD profile, but it does not include testing for gonorrhea. In fact, they don't even have individual testing for gonorrhea itself. This is news to me. After all these years of blood testing for STD, gonorrhea, the most common type of STD, is not part of STD profile for screening.

I left and went to a private clinic I usually go to. I told the doc about my predicament. She patiently explained to me that testing for STD can be very expensive. She went to the back and checked for the price for me. After a few minutes, she returned and told me the price for STD checkup including gonorrhea is RM400. It is way over my budget and I told her I can't afford it, I asked if she could just prescribe me antibiotic instead. She agreed to my request and also kind enough gave me an injection, since I skipped the blood testing, as a treatment for chlamydia.

The total cost of treatment is just less than RM100. I let out a huge sigh of relief for skipping a hefty amount for testing. In my current situation, I can't afford it. Oh! I did my 3-months HIV free testing on Tuesday and I am clean. 

PED effect

Dear Zach,

Last few days, my fb newsfeed has been popping out news about some fitness bodybuilders with an impressive physique but dead at 30. Some were 40. What they have in common is that their physique are competitively ready for stage, big and chiseled, strikingly good-looking, but most of them did not live past 40. As expected when I read the comments, all blamings resort to the overuse of performance enhancing drugs (PED).

It is, in fact, that most heart-relating disease is largely induced by the use of PED. Some claims it isn't. But what you can conclude when a person was on strict diet and training regime can die from being healthy while the fat and obese men live past 40s and still eating shitty food?

It comes as no surprise the negative side effect of using PED. Somehow, there are plenty of youngsters jump on the bandwagon and injecting themselves because they can't wait to train for another 10 years just to get a mid physique. I blame social media for that. I even came across one gym goer in my gym, he shared his PED regime with me.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worthwhile risking your health just for that kind of attention?

Anxious

Dear Zach,

I was anxious about looking for jobs. I have been looking into it and certainly out of the loop in job searching for so many years. Linkedin is the primary source for job searching nowadays. Back in the days, Linkedin for me was just another social platform for a bunch of self-glorified and narcissistic people to brag their achievement on how they helping out their poor employee and gaining success from there. Soon enough, I realized all these people were just as fake as press on nails.

I tried to look into some job hunting websites and am very surprised by the demand of being active in social media. Most of the job ads I come across with are either Tiktok Live Promoter or Social media marketing exec or some sort. It is all about being active and shake your ass on these toxic social media platform that could likely land you a job.

I have no X, Tiktok, or IG, and certainly do not possess any of the criteria that fits in the job description. I gave up looking for it. I look into part-time job instead. But most of it require you to be bound for months and the working hours are just one or two hour less than working for full time. I wonder if they understand what it means by part time job.

I even thought about returning to working as Grab driver. Since I have my car, I could do it for the time being. It is just that I am worried about my safety and the condition of my car since I prefer driving passenger at night. I did work as Grab Driver years back before I worked for sex. I did it for a month before the government imposed strict rules for e-hailing drivers.

Or I could go back to one of the gym that I used to work. I could temporarily work as counter reception rather than working as trainer.

I don't know, the more I think about it, the more anxious I am.   

   

Anger

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, I have been in a very bad mood. I was unsure how my anger surfaced out of the blue. I was literally upset at almost everything in my eyes of view. It was probably triggered by the sight of one of the neighbor cars, parking at the corner narrow lane of the road, blocking half of the road as we knew the car would be staying put there forever. Other cars rarely passes by that road. It angers me not because of that, it angers me because what kind of family who needs 3 fucking cars in a compact household where each porch only can fit 2 cars, one at the back and one at the front. What worst is one of the cars is old and unused, tossing aside on the road and rendering inconvenience for others. This is why I really can't stand with Malays. In fact, I am kind of despise them after much incidents happened to me in relating to their race.

The unspoken anger harboring inside me finally exploded, I threw a fit at home because of that. My dad was perplexed as he was in the middle of watching Netflix. The more I thought about it, the more angrier I became. It even come across my mind that I would purposely scratch the car when I drive by. The next day, I thought I was over it. I tried my hardest not to think about it. Somehow my anger didn't seem to dissipate. I drove to the back of my house to pick up the used gasoline tank, it is the only way that I would have to pass by the narrow road and the car. I rolled down my window as I was nearing the car, our gap was as close as 2cm apart. I could do it. I can do it. I brought myself to bring out a 50cent coin and reached out the window. I almost did it. As I was closing in, I froze - a part of myself stopping me, as if internally telling me this is wrong to do. Feeling like an idiot almost caught in act, I retreat and drove away. A part of me was thinking I should have done. But I was relief I didn't do it.

Now come to think of it, I believe my imminent anger was built up due to the anxiety I have when I started seriously looking for jobs in the last few days. I will write about this in next post. 

  

Selfish

Dear Zach,

I never saw myself as a selfish being when I was young. I was always upheld with the notion of "when you be kind to someone, you will be rewarded" or some sort. After over a decade living as an adult in the cruel world, having a virtue trait of kindness is an absolute rare existence.

My dad is and has always been kind-hearted to people, especially to neighbors or family friends. His virtue is what made him, as a quiet man, to be having unexpectedly good amount of friends in his life. His friendly demeanor is what made him likeable, easily trusted, and dependent as a family man. Somehow, his virtue is somewhat ruined his life, our life, spiraling down from being in a reasonably wealthy middle-class family to a family almost go through bankruptcy. This happened when I was somewhere in my age between 8 to 12. He ran a chemical business with a few business partners and ended up getting cheated in large sum of money, leaving him with debts and filled lawsuits. That time we just moved to a new 2-story terrace house, I was young and not knowing he was going through such a hardship until my mum told us about it few years later.

"He is kind. Too kind and trusting with people." My mum said, sounding as if the virtue my dad has was a curse. Somehow, we managed to pull through and he still continue the business on his own with only a few big factory customers on hand to get by.

When I grew up, I told myself not to be kind, unless I was treated with kindness, then I reciprocate. Throughout my 20s as a working adult, I have met countless of unkind people. I started to become less verbal in work. That I was deemed being too unfriendly. People surrounded me started talking to me less. I couldn't be bothered. As it went on, I was unhappy so I quit. I job-hopped a lot. Somehow, my quiet demeanor has mysteriously upset many people. I decided to give up and work on my own.

To this day, I was still being unfriendly. I have my own resting-bitch face. I do my own thing I don't bother anyone else. Even when I kickstart my art career the year before, I created my own page on IG and all started from there. All opportunities came without being face-to-face talking with people. People like what they saw, they invited me to participate for art exhibition, fairs, and etc. I built it on my own without the help of others. I have gone through my own ways to be able to work with them.

Last month, my dad came back from a trip and has made friend with the tour guide who took care of him during the whole trip. She, then, set up a lunch date catching up with my dad 2 weeks later. She brought along her daughter for lunch after picking up her younger daughter. Somehow in between the conversation, she casually mentioned her daughter is working in graphic art designs, my dad think of me and told them I did the same but more into traditional art. Of course, he told them about the exhibitions and fairs I had.

When he was back home, he asked if I could show them my work and some ways for her daughter so that she has an idea for the venture. I downright said "no.". He was taken back. After a few attempts of trying to get some info out from me, he knew I wouldn't budge, so he disappointedly walked away. That's the end of story.

Yes, I was being selfish. I don't see the point of giving out my own works and ways for someone I didn't even know so that she can just walk right into it easily. She even has far more perks than me as she is already working in the graphic design industry. Moreover, she is a SHE. Bitch, you want equality so bad but when comes to career ladder, you didn't even want to work your way up yourself?

Even in the gym, there are some guys approached me more tips. I just casually told them the generic answers I always have rather than explaining what I did so that they could did the same. I won't give away free shit advice so that they can shortcut to achieving their goal without going through all hardwork I did for years.

Yes, I am selfish - I have always been. At this point of life, everyone wants a piece of anyone in an easy way.

           

Slow Down

Dear Zach,

This year I will practice the art of slowing down. Eat slowly. Drink slowly. Read slowly. Think slowly. Speak slowly. Drive slowly. Lift weight slowly. Breathe slowly. Suck cock slowly. As much as I intend to keep up with the pace of life these days, I realize I have never enjoyed the joy of being present. I think about tomorrow, the day after, and the future. Thinking about all the what-ifs, trying to make things right even it hasn't happened yet.

Rather than stressing myself about tomorrow, how about staying put at the moment and take in what I can? I can prepare. I can plan. Worrying? Worrying steals your peace.

My fitness goal is always a part of my new year resolution. Rather than going through a rapid fat loss to prove myself I could do it within certain amount of time frame, I will take my time and assess my progress and tweak a few changes to cater my goal. After all, I have no one else to prove except myself.

I will go slow in my sex life. I will try and have sex with men who are genuinely into more than just sex, from being platonic to being a good friend. But I am not sure how I gonna do that since I have deleted Grindr. Maybe I can try finding in my gym - I doubt it would happen.

Don't you ever feel like the time has sped up so fast as we grow older? Especially after Covid?