Gaining Popularity in Asian/White Profile

Dear Zach,

Back in the days when I was still doing OF and sex for living, my twitter feeds used to be filled with homemade gay porn. As I was scrolling down, I came across this post where this effeminate petite chinese bottom posing on four in front of the camera with his back arching, accentuated his clean shaven round ass as the focal point. I clicked into his profile and browsed through his posts. Most of his videos or photos were taken without showing his face. But his signature bob hair with slender body was what I can concluded that he was a certified pure bottom with a great ass-set. He is a local guy staying at what seemed to be a fancy condominium or hotel as from what I observed from his videos.

As I was scrolling down more deeper of his older posts, I came across one of his post where a big white cock sprawled on top of his round ass. A few more of this kind of photos or videos uncovered from the loading feeds - some were teaser of a few seconds clip. I curiously clicked into this white guy profile tagged in his posts. Soon enough, I found out this white top is the partner of the local chinese bottom. Or partner in crime at least. Every post he showed off his big 7 inches white cock, some were waving it at the bottom's ass like a prelude to the heavy action, and some videos were taken from the top view where the bottom sucking his dick. Every posts of his received great response with high counts of likes and retweets in contrast to his bottom partner. Every one seemed to favor this white guy dominating the bottom - a very typical asian/white gay porn scene. Needless to say, their OF are fairly popular amongst the local.

I was jealous; Jealous not because I wasn't able to hook up with a white guy; I was jealous because they worked their way up in breeze because of their racial profile and people love them. You see, that's the white guy's effect to the asian people. When a white guy enter the local scene, everyone is jumping on him because he is either rich or with big dick or both.

There was another local chinese gym fit guy who was fairly popular on IG. Not until he hooked up with a skinny white guy, his twitter became very popular for the next few weeks. He didn't post much on twitter, but when he did he post some part of his sex clips with his white boyfriend, a teaser to his onlyfans. As expected, his posts received so much tractions, same went to his IG where he showed off his newfound relationship with his white boyfriend, travelling around the globe and shit.

You see, all we need, as local gay guy, a white guy then we are set for life.

 

Is stripper broke from the start?

Dear Zach,

I have always been wondering how these strippers in the club can get jacked and leaned when their financial strains limiting their access to nutritional foods. Not many man would opt for being stripper as their full time job if they haven't been in a dead end of life - as what I always watch in tv shows where these men are broke and homeless, in which they then turn to working as stripper to fulfill end meets.

Realistically, no broke man ever is jacked with muscles. What we learnt from tv show is a far cry from the reality itself. A broke man has already limiting access to basic food, let alone hitting the gym and getting adequate amount of protein to maintain the size of muscles. In reality, those men who works as strippers are already in great shape prior to performing in the club - some are gifted with good look. Which means these men are financially independent but their income is somewhat instable. Hence, they make use of their assets to make money. Just like how Onlyfans works.

I am watching Beauty in Black in Netflix, and those strippers in it are in financial debts and forced to work in the black-owned strip club. But their body are leaned and toned and amazing. This itself has confused me. If you are in debts and have no money, how are you gonna get money to buy food and get in shape?

To be in shape, in my own opinion, is never cheap. It is a somewhat expensive lifestyle one has to make sacrifices to be in it.

On the other note, I love watching these black guys in BIB. It enforces my strong interest in black-skinned man and no doubt my lust and love toward them is all the more fonder. In Malaysia, you could hardly find black negro walking around unless you go to a specific area of the town where these immigrant usually stay. I still remember there were a few occasions in the past years having sex with some black guys from Africa and I was in awe of their BIG BLACK COCK.

Dying Friendship

Dear Zach,

Nothing is more infuriating than receiving a text message from Sham but leaving you hanging just like that. The last time we exchanged text was last December. And he was quite monotonous to every text I wrote. After that, we didn't keep in touch. Although he has temporarily transferred his medical practice to KL for 6 months since last November, we have not met up for any occasion yet. Neither both of us initiate for a meet up. Since he lives in the town center, where the traffic is congested and parking spot is limited, he knew me damn well I wouldn't travel all the way to downtown for a "meet up". 

Our last sex was quite awkward for both of us. Therefore, I am not surprised he didn't even bother to initiate a meet up while he is in downtown. I guess that was the last straw of trying to win me over. Or, at least, we could catch up with each other lives without having sex.

Fast forward to this morning, I got a text from him. But I didn't reply instantly but waited til later. I was being courteous to him. I did not tell him anything about my current event. If he is interested and intends to keep the conversation flowing, he would have asked more. But he did not. He put a full stop there with a "yep". I did not try to query further because I don't want to be the one who asks all about him.

So he left it there. That's that. It is tell-tale sign that this friendship is dying. Nevertheless, I couldn't be bothered much now. After all, I am perfectly capable being myself without friend. 

 

The White Supremacy

Dear Zach,

Recently, I realized I am no longer into many aspects of life that I find it quite worrying as, you know, life may have changed you. 

I am no longer finding men from the west side of the globe attractive - white, tall, killer-edge jawline, lean muscly toned physique that the quality is a great fit for pornstar. Whenever they come to the Asian country, I find that they are always being repugnant and conceited and disrespectful, thinking they are superiorly white with big cock and gifted body, and their strong currency exchange against ours, making them feel like they are the elite people in the third world country. Somehow, these white guys love coming to Asia making social media contents and the locals favor them so much just because they are white. Trying finding an indian native making contents, I can guarantee nobody would bat an eyelid.

I used to really look up to them. I was lucky enough to have sex one time with an American when I was doing sex for living years back. Fast forward now, with all these social media exposure on how the white people from the west be making good use of their good look and hot body to pull some stupid stunts for views and likes, dancing in their skimpy thong in front of the camera desperate for attention, thinking that they are entitled to behave like a total idiot in front of the camera in the name of content creation, and hoping to get famous overnight, it makes me wonder why people love watching them "grow". 

I may sound biased. But, most of the reels contents saturated in my FB feeds itself have already proven so much for the facts I have mentioned above. Everyone is so desperate to be famous and earning easy money by working in the least amount of efforts. The more I come across it, the more I starting to hate it. I try to hide these contents but to no avail. It seems like FB love borderline sexual contents from the west.

It is not like I am hating on these white guys. It is just that they are leaving so much bad impression on the social media it starting to make me doubt if they are from the "best" country in the world.

   

What's Next

Dear Zach,

I am starting to like my side gig as delivery man. Everyday I look forward to the trips I go whether it is a long or short distance journey. Although the fare is relatively low this month as the muslims are on fasting period during Ramadhan month, so the number of cars are relatively lesser compared to the previous months, which in turn leading the fare slightly lower than it is supposed to be.

I earn just enough to cover my daily expenses. Nothing much I could really spend on unless I have to use my bank saving. I am looking to get another side gig at night to supplement my day income - at least I could have some saving and breather to spend my money on. So far, there is not much of idea coming to me when comes to working at night. ChatGPT suggests me to do graphic designs and sell it on etsy. That is too competitive and I would need to have a large followers on social media, in which I have already quit. Most of the suggestions are just not in my favors and the market is too saturated. Every one wants to work online earning passive income but none of them really making any money out of it.

I am thinking I shall go back to sex for pay. Firstly, I would have to sculpt my body lean and toned before I decide to do it. I give myself a deadline til end of May - roughly 12 weeks to go - to reach my goal. I am starting to see some lining of my abs but hardly visible. I have been working on my diet regime and workout plan with ChatGPT and it has given me solid advices. I have been following its plan and it did work! I have the confidence I could achieve my hotshot sex body by end of May. Til then, I shall work on what I am doing now.

Reunited with my no.1 top

Dear Zach,

My head was laying on his right chest, listening to his heartbeat, my left hand reached over playing with his right nipple, while he was jerking off with one hand, and watching porn on X with the other.

The sex was as great as I could remember. It has been 10 months since we met up for sex. Just when I thought we were not gonna meet again, he texted me last week out of the blue. I have been awaiting for his text since I unblocked him last December. He told me he missed my ass so much and wanting to meet. In the end, we met up tonight at the usual motel we always go to.

We hugged for the longest time on bed before I proceed sucking his thick black cock that I've truly missed so much. After a few minutes of foreplay, I reached over the table and fished out a condom and put it on him. He didn't go against it. In fact, I did tell him last week that if we were to meet, we would have to play with protection. He was fine with it.

I turned around and started off with our favorite doggy style. He slid his thick black cock into me slowly, making sure I wasn't in pain, and he pulled out, and put it in again, just to ensure my canal was fully diluted for what was about to come next. He picked up his pace and started pounding me as hard as I've always love. My face was buried deep in the pillow as he pounded away. All the familiar senses flooded back to me. The way he grabbed my ass; the way he slammed his hips against my ass; the way I wanted it only he knows how, pushing in deep in to my slick, silky butt hole. The whole ass cheek slapping sound was all over the room. We changed a several position in his favors. No matter how he fucked me, my dick was always hard. In other word, he is the only guy who could make me raging hardon while he fucking me.

As he was doggy fucking me, he pulled off the condom and tried to enter me. As much as I wanted him raw inside me, I resisted and told me no. We used another condom and continued the fuck. He was panting as he pounded me hard from my back, I knew he was about to cum. I was waiting for his climax shot, but to no avail. He kept on pounding on, but still nothing. In the end, we took a breather and laid on the bed. "It's gonna take some time for me to cum ... you know... with condom ..." He said. I knew what his implication was. He can only cum when fucking bareback. I remained unfazed and laid by his side.

As he was jerking off furiously while watching those porn clips on X, he cum without warning. I sat up and went to the bathroom to clean up. We exchanged a few words about our lives. He has a girlfriend now. But still hasn't fucked her yet.

It was great to meet him again. Somehow, with all the familiarities we both share in sex, I felt like we have drifted apart in certain ways. As much as I wanted to have bareback sex with him like we used to, I still don't trust him that much.  

Shutting Them Down

Dear Zach,

The government is seemingly making a move to shut every gay social apps in the country. The first step they did is to block access to Grindr and Blued on website - the news just came in today. This is my first time knowing that Grindr can be login via website. But who accesses Grindr through website anyway? They are also taking proactive measure in examining legal options to curb their mobile applications.

It comes as no surprise they decide to ban these apps after the epic raiding of gay sauna in the last November. It is the last straw for them to cut off all the relating LGBT stuffs in tangible sense. There are a few unpopular gay sauna still operating - I just went to one of them last week in daytime. It is just matter of time they will be closed or another raid to force it shut.

I also can foresee that, in years to come, the LGBTQ community would find it hard to seek same-sex sexual partners without the existence of gay dating apps. As a gay man who has been an avid user of grindr for years, I would be damned if they ban it. Going to pubs or club is not my thing nor any place with large crowd. Cruising in public toilet would be damn risky to do so, despite I love the thrill of it. 

What are the options available for a gay man to meet other man in same mind alike?

Reunited With The Regular Pakis Top

Dear Zach,

It has been almost 2 years since I've met this regular pakistanis top. He used to holler me over to his room every other week to fuck me and sometimes he would invite a few friends of his taking turn to fuck me after one has done. After some time, he has left for new work opportunity in Penang. He would come back to my area occasionally to visit his mates and asked me over. And that was almost 2 years ago.

Last Sunday, I downloaded Grindr just to look around. Within seconds, the closest profile messaged me with raw unedited long dick picture. Then, he showed me his picture and asked if I still remember him. Of course I do remember him - he's the only pakistanis who sucks dick, kisses, and does rimming. By far, he is my favorite top. He told me he bought a new phone after he lost his previous one and all contacts were gone. Hence, he couldn't contact me and tried hard finding me in Grindr. That day was his lucky day I guess. 

I met him at my place that night. He is still lean and slim. His hair is still slick and luscious as usual. But he got so tanned and his skin shows the sign of working tirelessly under the hot sun. We stripped naked, his 7 incher already hard, and we got closed and moved our heads closer. We embraced and hugged for the longest time ever. As if we were a long time friend who went missing for years. My lips engulfed his lips, tasting his smell of cigarette, and lust. His body is lean with strong abs though it is not visible. But I can feel it under my palm as I slid my hand across his stomach down to his 7 incher, and bend down and had him in my mouth. I sucked him so good because I haven't been able to suck dick for weeks and this was the biggest dick I've sucked since the beginning of the year, and I also missed him too.

I grabbed the condom and put it on him. I sat on him to expand my butt canal fully and deeply before he fucked me hard and deep as he always like. We switched to doggy style - our favorite. His both hands grabbed on my hips, his hips undulated as his dick sliding me in and out as I love. He picked up his pace and slamming me hard. He gave it all out as if it would be the last time we met. Meanwhile, I was face deep in my pillow, muffling my moan, letting all of his pounding yearning his favorite hole. As he started to pant, it was his sign of cumming, he embraced me hard from behind as he let out his orgasm.

After we were done, I drove him back and bid goodbye. We promised that we will meet again.

The length of my dick: For now

Dear Zach,

I am very surprised to have found out today that my dick is at 5.5 inches hard. Why am I surprised ? It is because, a decade ago, I measured my dick and it was at 6 inches at most. Now, as I age, it has become half an inch shorter.

Recently, during the usual jerk off session in the shower, I started to notice that my dick has become slightly shorter than usual. Just now before taking the shower, I made myself hard and measured it.

Now with the measurement I have, here I thought that jerking off everyday could make your dick longer or something. Turned out it wasn't. Unlike the muscles I train in the gym everyday, it won't grow because I beat it everyday. 

All the while I always thought I have the standard asian size of dick and was complimented by a few tops for having the potential of being a top. Even the bottoms I met in the sauna love sucking it.

I am truly horrified by the latest revelation that a part of myself shrink. Although I am not disappointed by it as I am a pure bottom myself and my ass, most of the time, is fully utilized during fornication, it does bruise my ego a bit knowing the truth.

Could it be that the bigger the dick I want from a top, the more it shrink?

Life as we know it

Dear Zach,

This year CNY is never the same with the absence of my mum. Every new year, she would be in the mood of spring-cleaning every corner of the entire house, decorating the wall with a bit of red decors with the bare minimum efforts to live up the festive mood. Her loud absence in the house has made a very drastic mood shift in us. My dad and I did not do much for the festive season - only a few cleanings and that was it.

The week before the CNY holiday, I have been on the road working delivery in the afternoon. The festive season traffic was so bad I literally spent almost more than 4 hours everyday on the run. But I can't complain for the high fare during this festive season. My life has been very mundane - apart from going to the gym in the morning and working delivery in the afternoon, at night I spend my time resting and go to bed early. I did have sex once this month and I'll write about this later.

Then, here comes the reunion dinner on Monday night - meeting familiar faces and the usuals. The next day, which was yesterday the CNY day 1, was a somber day as it rained non-stop since morning. After I came back home from gym in the morning, I found the gate and the door was left ajar and my dad was no where to be found. A few minutes later, my dad walked back from a few houses down and told me that one of our closest neighbor fainted at home. I quickly went to my neighbor's house and found the paramedic has pronounced his death to his wife. He was a 79 year-old good man who loved his dog. We were by the wife's side until his children arrived. I also helped out the paramedics to carry the deceased from the chair to his bed. My late mum and dad were very close to them as neighbors. They helped us out a lot when my mum was bed-ridden for her final months. So, I reciprocated as much as I could til their children were here.

As we were driving to downtown for another reunion lunch, my dad seemed to be in deep thought in the car. I can tell he was deeply affected by the passing of the neighbor, but he wasn't surprised by his sudden death because he was told a week before that the neighbor had signs of random pains ensued.

My dad let out a sigh and said: "Life."  

Working as Delivery Man

Dear Zach,

Towards the end of last month, I couldn't get myself to stay at home doing nothing anymore, I've decided to sign up Lalamove to become a delivery rider, also known as p-hailing, to kill my time. Since, I have my car, and the sign-up process is way less restrictive as being an e-hailing driver such as Grab Car driver, I took the leap faith and signed up for real on last Thursday.

Within half hour, my account was approved and available to start accepting orders and deliver. After gym, I had my lunch and shower, I left home at 2pm to start working. My first day of being a delivery man was brutal, especially under the hot scorching sun. By the time I have done picking up or dropping off items and was backed in my car, I was sweating like mad. I drove around and accepted orders around my area, after 3 hours, I went home with only RM24. I took 4 orders that day itself and each order took me roughly 30 minutes to deliver including the short timing of picking up, calling, confirming, and dropping off.

I was disappointed with the amount of I earned for that day. It was way too less for the total of 4 jobs. I felt like I made the worst decision signing up to be a delivery rider. Then, I resorted to consulting ChatGPT for advice in earning decent wages working as Lalamove Delivery rider. It has given a good and sensible advice and I decided to follow exactly what it told me to do the next day.

The next day, after gym, lunch, and shower, I left home a little earlier than yesterday and started accepting a long-haul distance job instead of short distance ones. I set a minimum earning target for myself which is RM50 per day. Soon, I accepted a delivery job nearby my house that needed to be sent to a place that requires 45 minutes to 1 hour drive. The pay was RM39 after commission deduction by the company. After I have done the first gig, I accepted another job that travelled back to my area at RM30. That day itself, I have earned RM69 in just mere 3 hours of driving on the road - literally a triple jumps from the pay I got in the previous day!

This is the what ChatGPT told me in its takeaway : Most drivers fail because they accept everything, you’re building a system instead. You’re not trying to be busy. You’re trying to be efficient. Busy drivers make RM70 in 6 hours. Smart drivers make RM60 in 2 hours. Be the second guy.

Since then, I have been working at least 3 hours a day on the road earning RM50 at least. There were some days I earned over RM80. But most of the time I managed to earn between RM65 to RM70 a day. Some days took me 4 hours to travel back and forth due to heavy traffic. But today was a great day - I've earned RM84 from the relatively short-distanced jobs, and I got to get home by 4.30pm!

I can't complain much now. This delivery job has given flexible timing for me and my gym routine. At least I got to work out in the morning without a rush. And I got to be home for dinner and rest at night. Yes, the pay is minimum wage and, at least, it starts paying my bill and fitness lifestyle. I couldn't ask for more now. I am not useless now!

  

Staying Away

Dear Zach,

I'm having hard time to stay away from Facebook. Probably I am in fear of missing out. Although I have filtered my following page list down to 10, I still can't help myself but to hover the mouse over "Reel" section and enjoy the constant dopamine of some random hot fitness influencers talking about things that I have already known. As soon as I realize I am in endless bottomless scrolling, I close the tab and stare at the screen in blank. I usually hop between netflix and youtube and facebook.

I have deleted Facebook app from my phone. But there are times my hand habitually grab my phone and scroll away for FB app. It gonna take some times getting used to. My phone has zero social media apps now. The only way access to FB is using my laptop - that will be soon I am gonna set a time limit for its usage. I watch about going analog on Youtube - interesting take about staying away from screen time and get back into how we used to live in the 2000s.

I broke my sex dry spell today with a regular top of mine. I wasn't keen in meeting him but since he was okay to meet at the cheap motel, so I met him up to get a good pound. The rooms at the cheap motel were fully booked. To be fair, I rarely come to this motel on Sunday afternoon. Just when I thought we weren't gonna make it, the receptionist guy told me there was a bigger room left at the price of RM40 for 2 hours, just RM10 extra on top of the regular room I always go for. We went for it. I felt like the sex was different this time. I was pretty sure that I was no longer sexually into him anymore - this sex proved it. His dick is not big enough to satisfy me. That's why.

  

Surrender

Dear Zach,

I've always been in loathe of paying my annual insurances. When I became a working adult, my dad passed over all my insurances that he was holding and paying on behalf of me all these years.

"Welcome to working adult, here's your insurances, good luck paying them." He said. 

Every year I have to pay a sum of estimated RM1700-1800 for insurances including for my car and health coverage. It sets my teeth on edge whenever I see the sum of it. I was planning to exclude my health insurance coverages few years back but my late mum advised me not to do so. Hence, I kept on paying it til last year.

Last two weeks, the bills came and I was starting to wonder if it's worth paying all this money as for just-in-case. Since I am not working, I would rather keep the money for my own good. I talked to my dad about it. I told him if things happened, just sent me to government hospital for treatment. I was expecting him to be overreacted of my thought about giving up paying. But, what he said next surprised me.

"Well, you do not need to pay for your health insurance then. After all, it was meant for you when you intend to go for treatment in private hospital." He said nonchalantly. It is true, my premium has been gradually increasing in each passing year as you age. 

So, that left with my car insurance coverage that costs RM500.

I wonder if I make the right decision. 

Like A Virgin

Dear Zach,

It has been exactly one month since I last had sex. To my own surprise, I have not been thinking about it all. Although there are times I was horny, I get myself sorted during shower. There were a few nights I wanted to booty call someone to my place, then I thought to myself that the post-sex cleaning up does not worth the hassle. After all, I need my 8-hours sleep. One of the pakistanis top texted me again after ghosting me for 3 months. I was really tempted to answer his text and be at his place for a quick fuck as he always do. But I decided to ignore him just to remind me that he only finds me when there is no one else available for him, despite the fact that I miss his big dick a lot.

I can feel my orifice is getting tighter due to prolonged unused. Like my layer of virginity is starting to grow back from the beginning of the new year til date. Everything about me starting afresh - getting my sexual health tested and treated, and not installing Grindr when I feel extremely horny. 

Somehow, I failed in controlling myself endlessly scrolling bottomless feed in FB reels. That needs to stop for real.

 

Clap

Dear Zach,

I still keep in touch with this 23 y.o Malay guy for the past few months since we met in last October. Our sex was still good. Somehow he tend to cum quicker these days. We now always meet at the cheap motel where it caters convenience for both of us. Our last meet up was exactly one month ago, it was our 3rd time meeting up. I did plan to meet up again for new year eve sex but he had plans.

Last night, he texted me out of the blue. Telling me he has gonorrhea and I should get tested. After a few questioning with him, he was very sure he got it from me. He has green penile discharge on Tuesday, and went for a check on Wednesday, and doctor was sure of it that it is gonorrhea.

I am pretty sure I have no symptoms or whatsoever, and probably asymptomatic in this case. I told him I'll get myself checked later. My last STD checkup was in 2022 - the results came out wasn't as "clean" as I thought. I got tested positive for herpes 1 and 2. But doctor mentioned that herpes is pretty much common in people to contract both of them unless they don't have sex. 

After gym, I left for a blood testing laboratory for STD checkup. I was introduced a screening package for a STD profile, but it does not include testing for gonorrhea. In fact, they don't even have individual testing for gonorrhea itself. This is news to me. After all these years of blood testing for STD, gonorrhea, the most common type of STD, is not part of STD profile for screening.

I left and went to a private clinic I usually go to. I told the doc about my predicament. She patiently explained to me that testing for STD can be very expensive. She went to the back and checked for the price for me. After a few minutes, she returned and told me the price for STD checkup including gonorrhea is RM400. It is way over my budget and I told her I can't afford it, I asked if she could just prescribe me antibiotic instead. She agreed to my request and also kind enough gave me an injection, since I skipped the blood testing, as a treatment for chlamydia.

The total cost of treatment is just less than RM100. I let out a huge sigh of relief for skipping a hefty amount for testing. In my current situation, I can't afford it. Oh! I did my 3-months HIV free testing on Tuesday and I am clean. 

PED effect

Dear Zach,

Last few days, my fb newsfeed has been popping out news about some fitness bodybuilders with an impressive physique but dead at 30. Some were 40. What they have in common is that their physique are competitively ready for stage, big and chiseled, strikingly good-looking, but most of them did not live past 40. As expected when I read the comments, all blamings resort to the overuse of performance enhancing drugs (PED).

It is, in fact, that most heart-relating disease is largely induced by the use of PED. Some claims it isn't. But what you can conclude when a person was on strict diet and training regime can die from being healthy while the fat and obese men live past 40s and still eating shitty food?

It comes as no surprise the negative side effect of using PED. Somehow, there are plenty of youngsters jump on the bandwagon and injecting themselves because they can't wait to train for another 10 years just to get a mid physique. I blame social media for that. I even came across one gym goer in my gym, he shared his PED regime with me.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worthwhile risking your health just for that kind of attention?

Anxious

Dear Zach,

I was anxious about looking for jobs. I have been looking into it and certainly out of the loop in job searching for so many years. Linkedin is the primary source for job searching nowadays. Back in the days, Linkedin for me was just another social platform for a bunch of self-glorified and narcissistic people to brag their achievement on how they helping out their poor employee and gaining success from there. Soon enough, I realized all these people were just as fake as press on nails.

I tried to look into some job hunting websites and am very surprised by the demand of being active in social media. Most of the job ads I come across with are either Tiktok Live Promoter or Social media marketing exec or some sort. It is all about being active and shake your ass on these toxic social media platform that could likely land you a job.

I have no X, Tiktok, or IG, and certainly do not possess any of the criteria that fits in the job description. I gave up looking for it. I look into part-time job instead. But most of it require you to be bound for months and the working hours are just one or two hour less than working for full time. I wonder if they understand what it means by part time job.

I even thought about returning to working as Grab driver. Since I have my car, I could do it for the time being. It is just that I am worried about my safety and the condition of my car since I prefer driving passenger at night. I did work as Grab Driver years back before I worked for sex. I did it for a month before the government imposed strict rules for e-hailing drivers.

Or I could go back to one of the gym that I used to work. I could temporarily work as counter reception rather than working as trainer.

I don't know, the more I think about it, the more anxious I am.   

   

Anger

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, I have been in a very bad mood. I was unsure how my anger surfaced out of the blue. I was literally upset at almost everything in my eyes of view. It was probably triggered by the sight of one of the neighbor cars, parking at the corner narrow lane of the road, blocking half of the road as we knew the car would be staying put there forever. Other cars rarely passes by that road. It angers me not because of that, it angers me because what kind of family who needs 3 fucking cars in a compact household where each porch only can fit 2 cars, one at the back and one at the front. What worst is one of the cars is old and unused, tossing aside on the road and rendering inconvenience for others. This is why I really can't stand with Malays. In fact, I am kind of despise them after much incidents happened to me in relating to their race.

The unspoken anger harboring inside me finally exploded, I threw a fit at home because of that. My dad was perplexed as he was in the middle of watching Netflix. The more I thought about it, the more angrier I became. It even come across my mind that I would purposely scratch the car when I drive by. The next day, I thought I was over it. I tried my hardest not to think about it. Somehow my anger didn't seem to dissipate. I drove to the back of my house to pick up the used gasoline tank, it is the only way that I would have to pass by the narrow road and the car. I rolled down my window as I was nearing the car, our gap was as close as 2cm apart. I could do it. I can do it. I brought myself to bring out a 50cent coin and reached out the window. I almost did it. As I was closing in, I froze - a part of myself stopping me, as if internally telling me this is wrong to do. Feeling like an idiot almost caught in act, I retreat and drove away. A part of me was thinking I should have done. But I was relief I didn't do it.

Now come to think of it, I believe my imminent anger was built up due to the anxiety I have when I started seriously looking for jobs in the last few days. I will write about this in next post. 

  

Selfish

Dear Zach,

I never saw myself as a selfish being when I was young. I was always upheld with the notion of "when you be kind to someone, you will be rewarded" or some sort. After over a decade living as an adult in the cruel world, having a virtue trait of kindness is an absolute rare existence.

My dad is and has always been kind-hearted to people, especially to neighbors or family friends. His virtue is what made him, as a quiet man, to be having unexpectedly good amount of friends in his life. His friendly demeanor is what made him likeable, easily trusted, and dependent as a family man. Somehow, his virtue is somewhat ruined his life, our life, spiraling down from being in a reasonably wealthy middle-class family to a family almost go through bankruptcy. This happened when I was somewhere in my age between 8 to 12. He ran a chemical business with a few business partners and ended up getting cheated in large sum of money, leaving him with debts and filled lawsuits. That time we just moved to a new 2-story terrace house, I was young and not knowing he was going through such a hardship until my mum told us about it few years later.

"He is kind. Too kind and trusting with people." My mum said, sounding as if the virtue my dad has was a curse. Somehow, we managed to pull through and he still continue the business on his own with only a few big factory customers on hand to get by.

When I grew up, I told myself not to be kind, unless I was treated with kindness, then I reciprocate. Throughout my 20s as a working adult, I have met countless of unkind people. I started to become less verbal in work. That I was deemed being too unfriendly. People surrounded me started talking to me less. I couldn't be bothered. As it went on, I was unhappy so I quit. I job-hopped a lot. Somehow, my quiet demeanor has mysteriously upset many people. I decided to give up and work on my own.

To this day, I was still being unfriendly. I have my own resting-bitch face. I do my own thing I don't bother anyone else. Even when I kickstart my art career the year before, I created my own page on IG and all started from there. All opportunities came without being face-to-face talking with people. People like what they saw, they invited me to participate for art exhibition, fairs, and etc. I built it on my own without the help of others. I have gone through my own ways to be able to work with them.

Last month, my dad came back from a trip and has made friend with the tour guide who took care of him during the whole trip. She, then, set up a lunch date catching up with my dad 2 weeks later. She brought along her daughter for lunch after picking up her younger daughter. Somehow in between the conversation, she casually mentioned her daughter is working in graphic art designs, my dad think of me and told them I did the same but more into traditional art. Of course, he told them about the exhibitions and fairs I had.

When he was back home, he asked if I could show them my work and some ways for her daughter so that she has an idea for the venture. I downright said "no.". He was taken back. After a few attempts of trying to get some info out from me, he knew I wouldn't budge, so he disappointedly walked away. That's the end of story.

Yes, I was being selfish. I don't see the point of giving out my own works and ways for someone I didn't even know so that she can just walk right into it easily. She even has far more perks than me as she is already working in the graphic design industry. Moreover, she is a SHE. Bitch, you want equality so bad but when comes to career ladder, you didn't even want to work your way up yourself?

Even in the gym, there are some guys approached me more tips. I just casually told them the generic answers I always have rather than explaining what I did so that they could did the same. I won't give away free shit advice so that they can shortcut to achieving their goal without going through all hardwork I did for years.

Yes, I am selfish - I have always been. At this point of life, everyone wants a piece of anyone in an easy way.

           

Slow Down

Dear Zach,

This year I will practice the art of slowing down. Eat slowly. Drink slowly. Read slowly. Think slowly. Speak slowly. Drive slowly. Lift weight slowly. Breathe slowly. Suck cock slowly. As much as I intend to keep up with the pace of life these days, I realize I have never enjoyed the joy of being present. I think about tomorrow, the day after, and the future. Thinking about all the what-ifs, trying to make things right even it hasn't happened yet.

Rather than stressing myself about tomorrow, how about staying put at the moment and take in what I can? I can prepare. I can plan. Worrying? Worrying steals your peace.

My fitness goal is always a part of my new year resolution. Rather than going through a rapid fat loss to prove myself I could do it within certain amount of time frame, I will take my time and assess my progress and tweak a few changes to cater my goal. After all, I have no one else to prove except myself.

I will go slow in my sex life. I will try and have sex with men who are genuinely into more than just sex, from being platonic to being a good friend. But I am not sure how I gonna do that since I have deleted Grindr. Maybe I can try finding in my gym - I doubt it would happen.

Don't you ever feel like the time has sped up so fast as we grow older? Especially after Covid?