no friend

Dear Zach,

Ever since I removed Grindr from my phone, I have been feeling quite lonely. It is not that I got to meet guys most of the time. But the constant anticipation of the grindr notification sound throughout the day is what I miss the most. Besides, most guys there are mostly Malays and I tried to avoid meeting them up. Ironically, I just got fucked by a Malay last week but he was just an old fling I met few months back. And I also got bred by another Malay last Friday in the motel room. What can I say? These 2 are the ones who have my number, and as a begger, I can't be a chooser.

A doctor friend of mine shifted his practice in town in the beginning of this month. He is staying alone in a condo close to his working hospital. We agree to meet up someday but he knows me damn well that I will not go all the way to downtown. Even if I go to his place, sex will always be involved between me and him. Probably it was just a courtesy text for letting me know he is in town for work for the next 6 months. I try to engage with him some topic for conversation but he seems not to be bothered. So I dropped it and move on. 

I look at my contact list, apart from those unsaved number who are my sex flings, I realize I have no friend. It is kinda depressing that I am sex toy for them. Is it me being too ignorant for a friendship that does not involve sex?   

Short Attention Lifespan

Dear Zach,

I have been trying my best not to tap on my phone as often as I could, but I failed. The only social media I have now is Facebook. I am drawn to the short video column and find myself scrolling endlessly for 20 to 30 minutes. I tried to put my phone down. Somehow my hand absentmindedly grabs the phone and start scrolling away.

I did try to focus on watching on Netflix, not even 5 minutes into the show, my phone was already in my hand, eyes on the phone, and paying no attention to the background voice from the show talking away itself. Thank god I am no longer active in Instagram and X anymore.

Even my monthly Youtube premium subscription can't convince me to stay any longer than 5 minutes on the screen. That being said, I have been watching a lot of educational and general knowledge documentaries, mainly from TED-EDU where they story-tell in mere 3 minutes length of duration with funny and interesting animation. Amazing how a short video can convey so much knowledges with simple understanding terms and animation. This is exactly how short our attention life span is. Everything has to be short and grab our attention as soon as we lay our eyes on.

On the other note, there will be a big book sales carnival in town in coming 2 weeks. I tried to buy a book from bookstore but the price is too ridiculous for me. RM79.90 ? Seriously? I am gonna wait for the year end book sales carnival, I can get less than RM20 for the same title. I need to pick up reading back. I feel like I am getting more and more stupid by each passing day.      

Microjoy My Ass

Dear Zach,

I read from one of the blogger mentioning about the deep appreciation of microjoys. There is always the little things that we often neglect in our daily life give us the tiny bit of joy. Like waking up in the morning feeling rested or a fellow gym goer compliment your ass or sucking dick.

It is all down to how you perceive these joy at which level of magnitude.

One of the microjoys I got is one regular female gym goer compliment how round my ass is, asking what I did for getting it plumped.

At last, someone has taken notice of my ass. Sadly it was from a woman.

They say "what you upload on the internet, it will be forever staying in the internet."

Here's my bare ass pic staying here for the internet. It is not like my sex tape hasn't been leaked in the gay porn domain for the public view - I was an OF creator years back, remember?  

He Wears It

Dear Zach,

The pakis guy in the previous post was texting me non-stop for the past 2 weeks. I couldn't host as my brother has been staying at home for the last 2 weeks. But my effort of not replying him seem to be encouraging him to text me incessantly. I really applaud these pakistanis mens' persistent effort of not giving up in texting when comes to booty call. It shows that they do care for you a lot ... ... so that they won't lose a hard-finding chinese bottom who can host or meet their sexual needs.

Last night, I was horny and craving for his dick. I replied to his text and agreed to meet at my place at 1030pm. I fetched him to my place while we were on the way back to my place, he asked me if I have a condom. I was pleasantly surprised. I asked him why you need one.

"safety.." he said sheepishly.

I am glad he requested to have safe sex.

When we were in my room, we both stripped naked. He crossed his arms from my back and hugged me tightly. Our skins were so warm for each other. He sniffed my shoulders across my neck to meet my lips. I turned and faced him, playfully caressed his hairy chest, I moved in and kissed him softly. Our lips were stacking on each other urgently and hungrily. We were making out romantically.

He was fully rock hard at 7 inches. I kind of expecting his request of having safe sex was just a bluff. But he ushered me to the piece of condom lying on the table. I was more than happy to put it on him. He was rock hard with a rubber on it - a great sign.

The sex lasted surprisingly longer than usual. We managed to try different positions that we both find comfortable. It wasn't just fuck; We made love. It was slow and sensual - him enjoying the view of my missionary pose with both of my thick thighs up on air while me enjoying the view of his hairy torso and lustful pleasure while he was inside of me. I can tell he loves my ass a lot as he playfully slap it when he entered me from the back. It is juicy and firm.

Once we were finished, he said that he can fuck longer with a condom on. Without a condom, he came way too fast.

"Well, then, I will stock up a lot of condom for you so that you can fuck me more often." I teased him playfully.

         

Pakis's way of like

Dear Zach,

Two weeks ago, when my dad was away for a trip, I've had the whole house for myself. I invited this Pakistanis guy from grindr over to my place that night. He has no transport and stays relatively near to my house, I made the effort to fetch him to my home. With Pakistanis man, I would have expected the time duration of the sex would be less than 10 minutes - they always cum way too fast the moment they put their dick inside of me.

He is tall, dark, and masculine. In fact, every pakistanis man I have ever met is masculine and that is what I love about hooking up with them. With a bit of unshaven beard and goatee, he greeted me in my car with deep voice. I brought him back to my home. He complimented that I have a nice house. Since it is dark at night, no neighbor next to my both side would notice him.

We stripped naked as soon as we were in my room. With the subtle hairs across of his front torso, I took a deep sniff of his hairy chest and the musky body odor hit my olfaction. When our faces closed to each other, I was surprised by his impromptu kiss on my lips. Fun fact: majority of the pakistanis would never kiss or suck or rim or does nipple play - surprisingly this pakis man kissed me with full passion. He tasted like cigarettes. Soon after, I kneel down and took his 7 inches in my mouth. We kissed and cuddled for a while before he fucked me.

He told me his last sex was with an indonesian lady. It was just sex but nothing permanent at the moment. I asked if he wears a condom. He was okay with it or don't. But when we came to doing the real thing, he refused wearing one. I was glad I was on PreP the day before. So we did it raw. The sex didn't last very long but it was enough for me to let a Pakis man to unload inside of me - it is my fetish having them to raw fuck and cum inside of me.

Once we were finished, he was trying his luck asking me for some money. My attitude changed in 360. I firmly told him "no". One bad habit of them they tend to ask for money in return. They would give all sort of excuses just for a short change. But my response has always been firm and cold. He seemed to get the point in my response. He didn't query much further.

When on the way sending him back, he told me he fucked an indian guy few months ago and he gave him RM200. I said that I won't give and never will. He only did it because the guy isn't chinese and he loves chinese guy, therefore, he will fuck me for free.

Oh whyyyyy.. how generous of him to do that. In fact, I shall charge him for fucking me instead!

I would like to continue this sex thing going with him. Or sticking to only him when having bareback sex. But what worry me is his HIV status. You would think these labor workers are not sexually active. You are dead wrong in this - they have their way of finding guy/woman for sex. And they wouldn't use a condom neither. They usually have nothing else to do except working for 12 hours a day. Hence, sex is always in their mind. I want to skip taking my on-demand PreP so that I can have unplanned sex with him at late night. Also, I am afraid in future he would start asking me for money again. 

What is your take in them? As much sex craze as they are, they hardly have sex to be honest. One of the main factor is that they can't host and very discreet. 

Jail For Being Gay

Dear Zach,

There are news about the government plan to review existing legal provisions on the enforcement of deviant activities such as "unnatural sex" or plainly known as "gay sex" following the high profile raid on last Friday. The released of the detainees were due to the lack of evidence and legal ground for remand. Based on the current law, it is illegal to have gay sex but only it is illegal when it is caught in act or either of the party claim to be victim. Although it is illegal, the current law is too ambiguous to able to charge someone for it. In other word, there is no right law for now.

Some government personnel who got detained during the raid were removed from job. It is no surprise they did it in swift action to "punish" for involving in such scandal. Literally every homophobes in the internet trying to place their insult in every way they could. I have read a story about one of the detainees who get humiliated in the interrogation room for asking him to fake "moaning", describing the way they were treated in disgust, and given only small piece of bread and water in the lockup cell.

I am afraid for myself - afraid that we will soon become criminal for just being gay. What if gay sex is no longer a normal sex and will become the only reason you get jailed for doing what you love in your own private time? Tbh, I am not sure if I want to have sex in a cheap motel anymore.    

90kg

Dear Zach,

I have finally reached 90kg on Saturday! All those constant food stuffing and hardwork in gym have finally paid off. It is exactly 10 months of bulking process. Going from 69kg to 90kg is not as easy task as just eating MORE food - it requires structured food plan with adequate amount of macronutrients as you grow in size. Here's the summary of my bulking process:

•  my calories intake went from 2000kcal to 3200kcal in a gradual state of increment.
• gym 6 days a week. Cardio at least 3 times a week after weight training.
• Sleep by 11pm most of the time.
• My meal consists of eggs, oat, rice, and chicken. Also an add-on mass gainer protein shake in between.
• The fruits I ate usually banana, orange, and lemon.
• Since I omitted veggies in my meals, I substituted it with drinking psylium husk fiber at night before bed.
• I have cheat meals on the weekend.
• On Sunday, I would let my gut rest from constant loading of food. I eat only when I feel hungry.

And that's about it. I compare picture of me "before & after" and it shows a drastic difference. I do look big but I am still unsatisfied with the growth of my chest and arms. Somehow, my ass has grown the most, and that I am very proud of.

My next move will be the maintenance of my current weight for this month. Let's see how it goes then by the end of this month. New year new fitness goal perhaps.

Bailed

Dear Zach,

I was feeling quite anxious yesterday about the raiding news happened on Friday night. The public humiliation of the media coverage has gone through the roof with vile comments. Funny how these people are shocked about the existence of men-only sauna for gay men. How do they expect us to meet gay men in public then? It is no surprise that the hardcore religious people are so disturbed by such news, they start to blame the gay people for the natural disaster happening in our country. "Homosexual is a sin. They have sinned, but we suffer." Little did they know that some of the detainees are highly educated and professional in medical field - one of them is a surgeon and specialist doctor in our local hospital. As much as I hope this country moving forward, this high profile raid has literally set us back many years.

I have been following the current news about the raid -170 local men were released today as all of them admitted that they were no victims of anyone in the premise. Another 30 men were foreigners that were still remanded for 2 days. But the case is now closed.

Meanwhile, there is another gay sauna in another state was also raided last night - only 11 men were arrested and will be remanded for 6 days.

Today I tried checking Kakiku on Google - another popular sauna in town after otot2 - and it stated closed for business temporarily since yesterday. It doesn't take a genius to know that it will likely be the next target for raid.

   

Raid

Dear Zach,

I wanted to write something else personal but the news about police raiding in Otot2 is all over the place in FB.

I am genuinely shocked when the news are plastered all over my FB news. Literally every news platform is all about it and making it to be the top headline of every news.

The raid happened last night Friday at 8 pm - the peak hour where most gays were arriving and enjoying good time. There were total 201 men arrested within the premise. Based on the short clips and pictures on news, most men were all covered with tower waist down during the raid. I also see some familiar faces in the short clips. 

I have always thought otot2 has been a safe spot for gay men since it has been operating for decades. Although there were a raid for few times over the years, but it has never made it to the news headline like this.

I am fortunate to make the decision that I stop going to otot2 last month. That being said, it doesn't mean other gay sauna in town is safe, in fact, they are more likely targeted next for the next sting operation.

I guess going to sauna for me is no longer an option anymore. 

CreamPie

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tanned

Dear Zach,

There was this new guy from my gym recently who caught my attention due to his extremely tanned skin complexion. He has this muscular built that fits right to his body frame - strong arms with tattoo and well-built lower body. He always wears oversized shirt to cover up his already sizable body frame. I am fairly certain I am slightly taller than him. Occasionally, he would wipe his sweat off his face with the bottom edge of his shirt, giving me a sneak peek of his abdominal muscle which is fairly lean but not too shredded. His tanned skin complexion is the cherry on the top. His physique certainly compensates his lack of good-look of his appearance. All in all, he is an attractive man that stood out in the gym.

I wonder how he get so tan to the point where it gets close to dark brown color. He is not dark but not too brown either. I was told that steroid or PED injections can cause darkening of the skin color. Sun tanning could also be a factor in contributing darkening of the skin.

I used to love sun tanning by the swimming pool. The after tan effect was invigorating. But I always have bad breakout afterward. As skin cancer (melanoma) diagnosis has been drastically increased over the years, it is no longer advisable to get your skin burnt for all the wrong reason.

I just finished watching "The Big C" in Netflix. It is about a woman, who diagnosed with 4th stage melanoma, trying to live her life to the fullest while searching for cure for her cancer. Somehow I can relate to her in the end of her deathbed. The scene where she was bedridden with pains and confusion was exactly how my late mum dealt with. Overall, it was such a heartwarming series.      

Plan for This Weekend

Dear Zach,

It has been 2 weeks since I had a real sex. I am amazed at myself that I could go on so long without sex. "Long" is such a stretch here but I am pleased that I decide to desensitize my ass from having too much sex. Besides, I have only been to the sauna once this month itself. With the unfavorable weather has been for the past 2 weeks, I am reluctant to drive all the way to downtown in rain and there is a likelihood that I may stuck in the traffic due to flash flood or whatsoever. But I manage to sneak in a good massage session for myself in the middle of the week.

My dad will be away for a trip to Vietnam on this coming Friday and back on next Tuesday. So I have the whole house for myself. I texted this guy I had fun with last month  if he wants to come over for sex again. Unfortunately and coincidentally, he will be outstation for work and only be back on Sunday, hence Monday is the only option he could come over. I am thinking about to reinstall grindr just for this weekend. So much do I know that I will be smacked with another disappointment again.

Most likely I will be going to Chakran. We will see.   

Juicy

Dear Zach,

Ever since I have started noticing my ass has gotten much rounder and bigger than I thought it would, despite the fact that it is still far from my ideal size and shape, I have been splurging on buying tight compression short pants as reward for my hardwork working my "ass" off in the gym. I do have to admit that I look good in those slutty compressed tight that accentuated the shape of my ass, flaunting around in the gym, and probably am I the only man who dare to wear such tights for working out. Of course, I bought them at bargain prices - I owned 5 pieces of them in different colors.

It is motivating when you realize what you are working on is slowly coming to fruition. The aggressive bulk that I am doing is definitely the major part in shaping my ass. Although I am out of shape, I don't really care much of getting in shape or being shredded. I am tired and hate being skinny and lean after years of working out. With such success I have in bulking, I will definitely stay the way it is and be big. I don't care if I lose my abs. All I want is to have a big juicy ass and I definitely will get it.

Return to Old Ways

Dear Zach,

I have deleted Grindr from my phone. It is done. I am so done with it. I couldn't be more relief when there is one less social apps in my phone for me to stay away.

Grindr is best for those who are always on the move from city to city; Not for people like me who always stays at home, waiting for booty call messages but unwillingly to move to anywhere beyond 5km. Apart from that, I have read that the criminals these days are targeting gay people on grindr, and rob the victims' phone and hacked into it, and transferred all the funds out of the victims' bank account.

Gone is the days when gay men on grindr expecting to have sex upon serious meetup. Now, these gays are expecting this and that and everything before meeting up, and then decided to ghost you before the hour of meeting up.

Hence, it is decided that I shall go back to the old ways of meeting up guys: cruising, bathhouse, swimming pool. Way before grindr existed, I always cruise in the toilet of the empty malls, checking out guys in skimpy trunk in the swimming pool, cruise around the area of swimming pool where some men suntanning naked at some secluded area of the pool side, and walking in some random shower room cubicle that was left ajar expecting a hardon awaiting for you in the shower room swimming pool. And I always had luck in hooking up in the swimming pool shower room.

Gay sauna is, no doubt, a place I would always go to. I always anticipate the weekend to come faster.

 

Grim

Dear Zach,

November started off pretty grim. I was down with flu and fever on Tuesday after having a Thai massage with a thai girl who intended to give me "extra" service during the massage. I declined politely and, thankfully, Thai style massage doesn't require one to be stripped naked - I dislike any woman's' touch.

On Thursday morning, I was down with food poisoning. I have to leave the gym during half way of my workout as I was feeling nauseous. By the time I reached by the side of my car, I couldn't hold it no more and blurted out everything I ate in that morning itself. Long story short, I drove myself home despite the fatigue I had from all the vomiting.

I was pretty emotional over the weekend thinking about the passing of my mum. I cried myself to sleep missing her.

That's all.      

The Fatties Sauna

Dear Zach,

Last night I've decided to try out other gay bathhouse in town known as 52 Forest Sauna. This sauna has been equally long-standing as Otot2 and others. They all have been operating for decade yet they have survived and still surviving through the toughest times. This sauna is not as popular as those I have been to. It is often overshadowed by Otot2 because both of its location are just like 1km apart. Also, the type of crowd is far cry from Otot2. Let me tell you why in a few moment.

The location is really strategic - 5 minutes walk from MRT station and the surrounding is oddly quiet at night. I don't have to transit between stations like how I usually go to Otot2, it saves up time and headache - total travel time on train is just 30 minutes. It is located in between of the shoplot, owning a 3-floored premise. I am kinda surprised by that.

The price for entry is RM26 on weekdays; RM29 on weekends and public holiday. Mannnn that is cheap.

The locker availability is fairly limited. What surprises me the most is the cleanliness of the toilet and open shower. The 1st floor is the reception and massage parlour; The dry and wet sauna is at 2nd floor; The 3rd floor is just a mini gym.

After I took a shower, I went to the dry sauna. It is too small for just 6 people inside. But the temperature of the heat is fairly decent unlike otot2's it can just melt your face off if you spend more than 10 minutes inside. The best part is the wet sauna - it is spacious and well lit inside, and I love the heat so much.

Let's talk about the crowd. Since it is on weekday, the crowd slowly thins out after 7pm. If you like fat and chubby men, this place is for you. Almost every men in the premise is fat. I am not gonna sugatcoat this - these fat guys are every corner. Even the leanest guy amongst them is also stocky with obvious belly. There is so many fat guys I wonder if I will gain extra few pounds after leaving the place. I went to explore the dark room but it was empty.  

Apparently, I did not have any action. I just enjoyed the immense heat of the wet sauna for at least 1 hour and left at 9pm.

Now I know the reason this sauna is often overlooked and cheap. If you are into fat guys, this is the place. Will I ever come back again? Probably not.

The China Dick

Dear Zach,

He was sliding inside of me slowly - smooth and wet. I was on four on his queen size bed, both of my arms pushed my chest upright, with my arching back, and receiving his long 6.5 incher with moans and pleasures. I could feel every inch of his shaft across my orifice. I was glad I was here getting rawdog by this China man on the 2nd day of Chinese Lunar Year back in January this year.

We exchanged messages on Grindr. He texted in Cantonese and I knew he wasn't local. I was itching for a fuck and he has a big dick, so we decided to meet up at his place.

Since it was a public holiday, the traffic was so smooth but, still, I arrived at his lobby 20 minutes later. It was unusual of me because I normally wouldn't risk opting to travel more than 15 minutes of the distance just for sex.

I waited for him to pick me at the lobby. When he appeared from the elevator, I was in complete letdown by his outlook. He looked haggared and skinny. A total opposite of I saw in his picture. But he still look quite decent-looking albeit his poor outlook. I did not have the heart to say no. So I decided to take a leap faith and follow him back to his unit. We chatted a little on the way up to his place. He is from Shanghai, China, working as forex trader and living here for 2 years. 

Once we reached his unit apartment, we went straight to his room. His dressing table was full of empty drinking bottles, empty cups, and a bog. Then, the penny finally dropped - now I knew why he looked the way he was. He was chem-fun user. I wasn't into that and was turned off by seeing him having the bog in one hand and a lighter in the other, litting up the base of the bog, and suck the essence out of it.

I wanted to leave until he whipped out his long beautiful 6.5 inchers. I was sucker for big dick. And I couldn't say no to that. I stripped naked and bend over his dick and put it in mouth. As I was giving him a sloppy blowjob, he continued suck out of the bog. His dick was semi-hard. With all those shits he was inhaling, it made sense why his dick was weak and he look haggered. He told me to turn around, then he ate my ass like a meal. I sucked him close to 15 minutes, when he was finally rock hard, he asked me if he could fuck me raw. He was on PreP and even showed me the bottles of PreP from the drawers. I nodded and let him slide inside of me.

He grew rock hard when he was inside of me without any barrier. He moved his hip slowly against my ass, pacing up bit by bit, eventually slamming his hips against mine, create all the satisfying pounding sounds. When he pulled it out, his long dick was glistening with the ass juices, wet and dripping, and I was surprised how wet I was. Probably the lube he used creating a nice lathering lubrication, hence it felt fantastic how slippery it was as he undulating in me. In between, he took the bog and inhaled deeply and blew the smoke into my anus, making my sphincter more dilated than it should be.

We fucked close to 3 hours but I still wanted more. And he could go on and on with the aid of the chem. In between, we took a short break, then we continued fucking. My orifice was already sore and puckered with all the damaged it took. He wanted to cum inside me but I did not allow it. So, he controlled and kept fucking me. I couldn't take it no more. Since it was close to 6 pm, I'd had to be back home by then. I cleaned myself and got dressed.

When he walked me to the door, we kissed goodbye. But the kiss turned into a hungry make out. We both were rock hard underneath our pants. He pushed me into unoccupied room next to the main door, there was a bed, he pinned me down on it, and roughly ripped my pants down, since my anus was already dilated, he spitted on it, and slid in it with ease. He kept fucking me non-stop til we both were sweating like mad in the hot stuffy room. He still couldn't cum but wanted to cum inside of me. I refused that.

When I looked at the clock, I was chasing time and rushing to leave and told him to keep in touch.

------------

We did keep in touch and met up again the day after the next day. But I was still sore. It was uncomfortable. So the session was wrapped up shortly.

The next day I noticed I had anal fissure from all the pounding I got with him. I texted him I needed to rest for my ass to heal.

However, he was being assumptive that I did not want to meet him anymore. Then, he started saying some random weird shits about me being not satisfied of his skill in bed.

I found him appalling and ignored him. Although the sex was great, I do not want to have sex with a psychopath.

 

Grindr Can Just Go Suck Cock

Dear Zach,

Grindr is no longer serving the main purpose of hooking up, but rather a bunch of scammers in it. I always get random messages about "do you want to be friend or have a partner?". Most of these profiles are blank, and their stats are always 178cm tall, 69kg in weight and always versatile. Now these scammers are upgrading, I get tapped by some random hot white guys and upon seeing their profile, it says " .... subscribe to my OF page and you will get a reward to my huge 7 inches in return... ". What a stupid way to scam men into subbing your OF. Who still subscribe to OF anyway?  

Ever since they reduce the radius of profile availability to view, I always see the same faces next to my profile. The new feature "right now" is not exactly helping either. They also limit to 10 profile max in your search. Most of the guys in grindr are not available to host. What worst is some of them even has no transportation. These people might as well just fuck off and delete grindr forever for good. For the past few weeks, I didn't bring guys back home while my dad asleep. I am just tired of cleaning my room up every time after sex at late night, and by the time I was done, it is already 12 am. I even told my regular saying I am no longer able to host at night now but I didn't tell him the reason.

Last night, I went to Chakran instead of Sunday because this Sunday the Donald Trump is coming to Malaysia to attend ASEAN Summit, therefore most of the major highways and roads to downtown will be closed. I've had much needed fun in Chakran as usual. No sex, just oral. There was this white good-looking British guy surrounded by a few indians bottom and they keep chatting up with him as if he is the star of the premise. We did lock eyes for a few moment. I felt like he was giving me an untold signs of expressing his interest in me. I don't know, maybe I am wrong. Somehow I am just not into him. I would rather suck a thick cock by a chubby indian man and I did and drank his cum twice while this hot japanese guy cum all over my orifice. Not bad having both cums of different guys in the front and back of me.

You see... ... the chances of having sexual encounters with multiple men in gay sauna is 10 times more likely than getting a message from Grindr. Does it consider as pay for sex? As in pay for entry to have sex in a gay-centric places? Do I really have to resort to going this places only to have sex in future? 

     

Dilemma

Dear Zach,

I am starting to become more self-conscious of my physique as I am leaning toward 90kg. Last check on Sunday, I am at 88kg. Although I have gained size overall, what makes me self-conscious about is my belly. It is not that kind of unhealthy overweight fat belly, but it is the kind when a person is consistently working out in the gym and increases his caloric intake steadily, the abs is eventually shielded by a layer of fat that is probably an inch thick. I suddenly have this sense of self-consciousness because I took a selfie in the front mirror and compared the picture I took 2 months ago, it has shown such a drastic change of my physique. However, seemingly some regular gym members start to notice my body changes and shower me with compliment. 

Apart from that, I am getting less messages in Grindr now. When I get messages, they are mostly from scammers asking me if I want to have a friend and partner. I always use the most recent photos I took to put on my grindr profile. I never liked the idea of deceiving men with some old pic of me due to my insecurity just to get hookup. They either like the current me or don't. Same scenario applied to sauna visits, I can certainly feel the sense of being casted out when you are unfit.

I am starting to ponder on the thought of losing fat once I reach 90kg. But I am satisfied of how I look now for real. I can finally see some meat on my bones. My ass cheeks are getting plump and rounder. It took me almost a year to finally get here, I do not want to lose all of it just because of what other mean gays say. I am gonna delete Grindr anyway. I've had more action with men from sauna instead. 

I always wanted to be muscular. If being unfit and fat is what it takes to become one, I would rather to be uncomfortable for now so that I can be comfortable with what I will achieve later in life. 

How To Heal Anal Fissure You Get From Anal Sex

Dear Zach,

One of my biggest peeves being a pure bottom is having anal fissure. I've had them for a number of times throughout my adult years and, trust me, it is not a good feeling. I just had it last week. 

Anal fissure is, in the simplest terms, a tiny wound around the smooth muscle tissue around the orifice. Although it is tiny to be noticed, it is hurtful enough to know its existence.

You can get it resulted of passing of hard-stools or rough sex or sex without lubrication. For me, I always got it from having sex. And the tiny split always occurred relatively near to bottom end of the external anal sphincter. (as you can see the picture below, a tiny red wound close to the sphincter). Sometimes I also got it from folliculitis - an inflamed hair follicle near my anus, because I always shave my ass to make it smooth for rimming. 

I have tried many ways of healing it. And these are the best ways recommended medically by doctors:

1. Sit bath

Prepare a basin large enough to fit your ass into it. If you have a bathtub, that would be good. I use a plastic basin and place it on the floor. I fill the basin with ONLY warm water. Then, I sit in it for 5 minutes. The purpose of doing this is to promote blood flow to the injured area for healing. I do this twice a day after shower.

2. Apply antiseptic/antibiotic ointment

For me, I apply antibiotic ointment on the affected area twice a day after sit bath. I usually squat down so that I can easily pinpoint the wound and apply on it with the ointment. You can purchase it from drugstore or pharmacy. I use Pfizer Terramycin Ointment - it can also be used for eyes infection.

3. Avoid having sex for the moment til it completely heal.

Usually when the cut is minor, it would heal within 2 to 3 days. Avoid having sex at all cost because anal penetration could very likely aggravate the affected area.

The only way to know if it is completely heal is when there is no pain ensued when you wash your ass with water. 

In the nutshell, anal fissure is pretty common for bottoms to have it. Most of the time it does not require surgical intervention. Just treat it with care and then you will be good to get fucked in no time. 

FYI, those 2 pics are my real ass ;)

High School Shenanigans - Sex and Killing

Dear Zach,

The number of killing crime has been shockingly happening quite frequently in my country for the past months. Just 2 months ago, there was this teenage son who killed his mother, who happened to be a teacher and widow, and younger brother. The magnitude of the news has become the headlines of my fb news feed everyday. News have it that the son was under immense academic pressure and constant nagging by his mother who wanted the best for him. He couldn't take it no more and ended up killing the mother in her sleep. His younger brother tried and stopped him but it was too late and ended up got killed instead. It was such a heartbreaking news.

Besides, every week there were cases about high school students being sexually abused. The most recent one was about a female student being raped by 4 high schoolers in the classroom, and the whole scene was recorded and dissipated through social media. Then, in another state of the country, there was a case about consented group sex between the high schoolers happening in the classroom. What in the world has become?

Just few days ago, a new killing case happened in the school between a 14-year-old male and 16-year-old female student, in which the 14 y.o kid stabbed 200 times at the chest of the female student in the toilet because she rejected his love confession. He killed out of rage. He then calmly walked around the school compound with the bloody knife in his hand. He was apprehended shortly after.

It is crazy how the high school ground has become such a major crime scenes. I strongly believe social media is the one to blame. Teenagers having early sex is pretty normal. What not normal is having group sex in the classroom and recording the whole sex scene and post it online. That's sick. I can hardly find any group sex for myself due to frequent raiding in the hotels.   

My Last Time Going to Otot2

Dear Zach,

Just when I thought I could get laid in the infamous Otot2 sauna, things couldn't have gotten any bad than it could. Probably I went on one of the weekdays, hence the disappointment rendered me to draw my final straw of going to this place.

I arrived at the place at 7.30 pm. Paid my entry and undress in the locker room and went to shower. The crowd was significantly lesser than it normally would. I walked around, enjoyed the immense heat in dry and wet sauna, and dipped myself in the hot spring for recovery. Around 8.30pm, I tried looking around for men. To my disappointment, most of the men were either out of shape, old, fat, and way too skinny to my liking. There were 2 good-looking chinese guys so far hanging around - I can tell they do workout a lot. And they were such a huge catch amongst the men. I felt like one of them was into me. I couldn't tell. Because I was certainly not into them.

There were so many malays around as usual. And I have zero interest in any of them nor they in me. Ever since I have been bulking up, my sexual appeal has been declining. I've got lesser touches from men in sauna. I am not complaining because this is the choice I made when I decided to gain size for my body. I guess gay men would still very much prefer men in their lean and toned physique.

It was close to 9.30pm. I've got no action with any man. There was no single brown man in sight. I've seen more attractive men in Chakran than in here. I was so disappointed. Somehow, there were a few guys blew me. And most of these guys are bottoms. So many bottoms but where is the tops? Probably there would be more attractive men in sight if I come on the weekend. But since the place was infested with mostly malay and bottoms, this would be my last time being here. To be honest, I never had a good time here ever.      

Untitle

Dear Zach,

For the last few weeks, apart from going to gay saunas, I also have been dropping visit to a few bookstores in town just to check them out. Despite the fact that you can easily view the variety selection of books on the internet, something about visiting bookstore is and has always been an anticipation for me - especially browsing the newest releases placing right in front of the entrance with "New Arrival" tag upon entering.

I tried picking up reading for the past 2 months. Apart from reading books from my favorite author, I did try to read some others authors' work. But I didn't like it. I tried to finish it. I just couldn't. This made me skeptical in buying new books. Also, the prices of the books these days are never cheap. It ranges between RM60 - RM120. I still remember back then the cheapest was RM32. With the price double up now, I can no longer simply afford books from different author just so that I could "try" reading if I like it. With such price, it costs me a week of grocery shopping. I will probably look for second handed books online under RM20. 

Most of my expenses now are on the foods. My goal toward 90kg looks promising now. I am standing at 87kg. I certainly look bigger than I was. My ass is getting bigger and rounder. My chest looks slightly wider and larger but still looks like shit to me. I intend to go for being pro-bodybuilding. I asked my coach feedback about being PRO in Malaysia, he told me "... don't... it does not worth all the hardwork you pay off... just be fitness influencer or be a slut on tiktok/instagram, and get sponsors from there, you earn way more from there than being a PRO ... ". It was a total let down, but what he said it was true. If you are hot and good-looking, just dance stupid on tiktok would get you to somewhere.

Every thing now on socmed is all about sex.   

Boring and Brawl

Dear Zach,

This weekend my dad was away again. And I have the whole weekend by myself. Unfortunately, I've had anal fissure since Thursday. I wasn't able to have sex since the fissure was very near to my orifice. I thought it would be healed by Saturday. But it was still slightly sore. So I forgo the idea of asking the 23 y.o tall guy over my place for sex.

Luckily, the fissure is completely healed today. So I decided to go to Chakran again.

But It was so bad tonight. Most of the guys are bottoms and they have small dicks. They sucked me more than I did. In fact, I didn't even get to suck them at all. The crowd was significantly lesser. A few chinese guys trying to hit on me, but I was not interested.

I went to the rooftop to try my luck. There was this chinese mature guy sucking this indian's 7 incher in the public view. The indian guy saw me walking over and grab my hand and asked me to join. He sucked me while the chinese guy sucking him. It has become the center of attention while others were on the mattress, lying there, watching the action taking place. Soon, another indian skinny guy joined us, but he was quite shy. I was very eager to suck the 7 incher, but it was in somebody's mouth. Slowly, it has become a mini orgy without sex. I got bored but the big dick indian guy wanted to fuck me raw. So we both moved to the private room. Although he was very hung, sadly he can't get it fully hard to be able to penetrate me. But we both had a great make out session though.

Then I went to the dark steam room. There was a brawl almost broke out in the middle of the room. As I was chilling inside awaiting, a few guys walked into the dark. Later, I heard the sound of a slap on someone, the guy who got slapped yelped and started pushing around, I quickly ran out. Almost everyone ran out in the fear of getting punched. The guy who got slapped was a very tall brown guy with tattoo on his right arm. He was angry and frustrated the way he was treated when he refused somebody's touch. He walked away and left. I feel bad for him as that is not right to slap someone when you cannot accept rejection.

I feel like Chakran is getting boring for me. I think I should give myself a breather from going to sauna. Every gay sauna I go, there are more number of bottoms than tops. I want to get fucked hard and rough; Not getting sucked by random bottoms who think I am a top.   

A Barebackful Weekend 2

Dear Zach,

Friday night sex has left me wanting to get bred more. There was no luck on Saturday although there were a few interests in grindr planning to meet up but they cancelled on me last minute. I took a break on Saturday and went to Chakran on Sunday evening.

I reached there at 7 pm and it was already happening in both dry and steam sauna. As usual, I took my shower and went to sit in the dry sauna for a while. There were a few blowjobs between me and a few indian guys. Nothing particular. 

I went into the steam sauna and I can tell there were actions taking place. I could hear sloppy and muffling dick sucking at a few corner. Since it was dark inside, all I could do was to reach my hands as a lead and touch whoever wanted to be touched and got down to business. I managed to suck a thick indian cock. So thick I wonder if it could fit in my ass. There were many men coming in, congesting the entrance, at this point, everyone was just against each other slippery wet body.

Then, there was this guy walked in, followed by another guy behind him. As far as I could fairly make out his silhouette, he is lean and hairy, I can tell he works out a bit. As soon as our body touched, I grabbed his junk as he grabbed mine, his growing 7 inches throbbing in my hand. But it was taken away by another hungry mouth, but we caressed each other body, and started to make out ferociously. He sucked my dick and I sucked his as his pushed away the sucker - long and juicy in my mouth. I stood up, and turned my back facing his, my ass poking his dick, hoping he would get the hint that I wanted to get railed in the middle of the crowd there and then.

He got the hint, and grabbed hold of my ass, spit on his dick, and slid right into my ass. I gave out a yelp as he did. He pounced me so hard while everyone around us minding their own business. The ass pounding sound echoed all over the dark steam room. A few started to get close to us. We moved out closer to the entrance where there was a bit of light shine through so that anybody who walked in on us could see that we were fucking in the middle of the way. A few men who walked in was surprised by the ordeal and stayed and watched.

As the heat was getting on us, we took a break and walked out. Now, I could totally see him. He is relatively good-looking - with trimmed beard from ear to chin, hairy chest, faded hair style, and lean physique. He asked if I was a local. I told him yes. And he is a Pakistanis. Oh sweet lord jesus... ... my favorite kind of man. We chat a little and continued our public fornication in the dark steam room. I was so turned on by attention I was given. As he was getting close, he pulled out, and started jerking off fiercely, and asked me to finger his ass. He cried out loud and cum all over his body.

I thanked him and moved on to find others to fuck me. Soon, I found another one in the dark steam room, hard dick out standing in the middle, I moved my back against his dick, he got the idea, and entered inside of me. I didn't care how he looks, I just wanted someone to fuck me raw. In the end, he cum inside me and left.

I left around 9 pm.      

A Barebackful Weekend 1

Dear Zach,

My dad was away for a short trip over the weekend. That left me with an empty house. I was on Grindr most of the time trying to get guys to come over. Friday night, I managed to hook up with this tall mixed indian malay guy. He was at the center of town when we exchanged messages in Grindr and was quick to agree to meet me.

He arrived in his bike 30 minutes later. I was greet by his tall lanky build, deep manly voice, nerdy look with large round spectacles on his nose bridge and acne face, and a sign of receding hairline. He was in his formal wear, so apparently he came after work. I showed him into my house, he put his things down, and started to unbutton his shirt, showing off a surprising hairy chest. I was instantly turned on by the view of his hairy body, I moved in and touch him and started licking his nipples.

He kissed me softly, then we were both devouring each other mouth hungrily. We moved backward to my room as we made out. We stripped naked and his 6.5 inches cut dick waving at me in commando. I sucked. I licked. I did everything dirty to it. He turned me over and ate my juicy ass. His tongue played with my orifice and lightly chewed and smooched my juicy ass cheeks in between.

He wanted to fuck bareback. I let him. I was in four, then he slid it in me with ease. He worked his way up to test if I could take it. He pounced me hard enough to let out my moans. He knew the right way to fuck a slut.

"You are such a whore." He said as he pouncing my ass.

"Yes, I am your whore."

"You have such a breedable ass. Oh god.." 

" breed me, daddy, I work my ass off for you." 

We tried a several sex positions, but doggy was our favorite. My asshole was so wet and sloppy as his dick sliding in and out of my orifice. Our sex lasted for quite a while. In the end, he cum twice in my ass.

After he cleaned himself, we cuddled in my bed for a while. We got to know each other a bit. A few surprising facts about him: he is just 23 year-old, but he looks so much older than his age should be. I thought he was older than me. And, this was his first ever bareback experience and it was euphoric for him. I asked why he was willing to lose his virgin bareback experience on me, he seemed shy to answer. I was and have always been someone's first time experience in sex I don't know why. 

As it was getting late and he lives quite far away from my place, we made out a bit before he got dressed and left. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch.

The Bangladeshi Dick

Dear Zach,

Two Sundays ago, I went to Chakran as it was a long stretch of weekend holiday. As Monday and Tuesday were public holiday, I bet the crowd in Chakran would be favorable to me.

After I paid for the entry, I went to the locker room to change. There were already quite a number of guys getting dressed for leaving. But the crowd upstairs said otherwise. As usual, I was the outstanding one amongst the browns. I took a shower at the open shower area and went to the dry sauna.

As I entered, there were already 2 indian guys sitting there on the top bench. I sat close to one of them. Minutes later, I felt his hand caressing my thigh, then he slip through underneath of my tower to grab my cock. I did the same to him. He bend over to his left and started sucking my cock - warm and wet. He alternated himself between sucking my cock and chest. As the heat getting to him, he thanked me and left, here came another brown guy entered.

I could not make out how he looked like. But he was definitely shorter than me. He sat on my left. Our knees were touching each other. I slid my hand across to his dick, I was greeted with a perfect 7 incher. I bend over and sucked him like I was giving resuscitation. His dick was smooth and long. He pulled me up and kissed me hard while playing with my chest. He seemed to love my chest a lot. He kept sucking it non stop. Then, the door swung opened, a slightly muscular indian guy walked in and saw us in action. He sat next to my right. His hand started touching me inappropriately, I wanted him to touch me like that. He placed my hand on his 7 inches thick cock. I was so luck and happy because there were two 7 inchers right next to me. I bend over to him and started sucking him. I alternated myself between the 1st and 2nd guy. I was sandwiched in between them, my mouth was so wet from sucking, my body smell of their saliva as their tongue did their magic work all over me. As the play went on, another guy came in and sat next to the 2nd guy, the 3rd guy stood up and he was rock hard with his 6 incher. He brought himself in front of me, nudging me to devour it. 3 big dicks at once, I was in fucking heaven.

Soon, the 1st guy went out, leaving me and the 2nd and 3rd guy. As I kept sucking the 3rd, I could feel his build-up closing to its edge, without warning it came all over my mouth. Once he finished, he left. Only me and the 2nd guy in the room now. I told him I love his dick so much. This time, he stood up on the bench below, facing the door, as if on cue, I did what I should be doing - placing his thick 7 incher in my mouth, sliding my wet lips across his long shaft up and down, tasting every inch of him as I could. The door swung wide opened, another guy walked in and was surprised by our bold steamy action happening right in front of the door, at that point we both did not bother and continued. Eventually, he jerked off and cum in my mouth. I slurped every drop of his semen.

I thanked him and left to shower. The night was still young, and the crowd was packing. I sucked a few dicks in the dark steam bath room. As the heat was getting on me, I left to take a breather.

This guy came close to me, and lightly touched my bulge. But he was somewhat familiar, then I realized he was the 1st guy in the dry sauna. He looks decent up close. He has a slim body and a facial feature of pakistanis. He gave me a smile and hugged me, telling me he likes my body. The way he speaks had me confirmed that he is not a local indian. We went in to the dark steam room, I started sucking his 7 inches on my knee. Then, we pulled me up and told me "I want fucking...". I asked if he has a condom, he nodded yes. Then he went down and grabbed a condom, we moved our play to a private room.

As we were in there, we chug our towel aside, his 7 incher greeting me with anticipation, I kneel down and had him in my mouth. We made out, sucked each other chest, and I deepthroating his dick. I stood up and got ready for the grand price. I lubed myself with my own spit, as we both were sweating like mad already, my orifice was already wet and sloppy. Before he entered inside of me, I asked where he was from. To my surprise, he is from Bangladesh. As a Bangladeshi, he has the most perfect straight dick I have ever come across. He wore a condom, I turned around and bend over, arching my back, ass tilted up for him, he slapped my ass telling me how juicy my ass is, and entered inside me slowly from behind in standing, as he was fully inside of me, he slowly moved his hips against my ass.

He picked up his speed of pouncing. At this point, he was pouncing hard on me. I moaned so loud to his every hard pounce. He seems to know how to fuck very well. Every long stroke pulling out and in against the wall of my orifice had me wanting more of him. We were sweating like mad inside but we couldn't be bothered. He kept fucking me in standing, in missionary, and in doggy. He just kept doing what he did best. Our body yearned for each other. The slippery sensation of our body, in some way, intensified our desires, as if we were making hot and sweaty love in a semi-dark stuffy room. I've never had a Bangladeshi who fucked me so well and was able to last quite long. We were fucking close to 45 minutes. We couldn't take it any more as we were out of breath. I told him I wanted to drink his cum. He pulled the condom off, and started jerking it. I kneel down in front of him, tilted my head up, our eyes locked, telling him that I want him, I want all of him in my mouth. As he was pacing up his arm, I could feel his breathing quicken, I knew he was about to cum. Next thing I knew, he exploded all over my mouth, I sucked every drop of him off from his tip. He shuddered as my mouth licked his tip of his dick. We both gave out a light chuckles as to acknowledge how amazing our sex was. I wiped myself up and we went to shower together.

It was already 9 pm, there were nobody else around except both of us. We got to know each other a little bit. He is married with a few kids. His wife knows he fucks around with men and women. But his wife and kids are staying in his country. I told him some bit of myself but mostly fake info. We got dressed and I thanked and bid him goodbye.

Daddies' Juice

Dear Zach,

Last evening, I went to Chakran with the hope of getting railed by one of the black indian cocks. I arrived before 7pm, the crowd was good - probably more than 20 men in there. I quickly stripped myself naked and wrapped the towel around my waist, and walked up to the 2nd floor looking for action.

The men were by the corridor in front of the sauna. Everyone was looking for everyone. The steam bath was crowded with men and moans. Surprisingly, the temperature of the steam bath has finally fixed and the heat was great as I could barely feel any heat in the steam bath room for the past few weeks I was there.

There were some fine-looking indian gentlemen that night. One of them was a really good-looking, thick hair, sharp jawline, beautiful face feature, and lean toned body physique. He was a catch. Our eyes locked for a few occasion. We intended to get close but he seemed a bit hesitant. I did not want to come across as desperate slut as I was, so I just walked around and scout for others.

One tall silver indian daddy caught my eyes. He is really tall, probably 185cm, and has an average strong hairy body. Here I meant strong is because I can tell he works out a bit, has no belly but a firm chest. We locked our eyes. He then followed me into the dark steam bath room, hoping he would grab me before I disappeared into darkness. I stood quite out front near the entrance, so that he could make out of me. As he passed me by, I put my hand lightly on his crotch, letting him know I was interested in him. He held my hand and played my pecs with his other hand, light and playful enough for wanting him more. I dove into his hair chest and sucked his nipples, then he pulled me upward, and sealed my lips with his. He kissed me in an awfully romantic way. As the heat was too much, he grabbed my hand and moved to the shower room below. Now I saw him clearly enough. I kneel down and sucked his hard 5.5 inches, me on my knee, my eyes looking up to him while I sucking him, wanting to see how I took him in my mouth. As a silver daddy who is closed to 50 year old, he certainly is keeping himself in good shape. I told him to cum for me. He started to jerk his dick off slowly, I was still on my knees, eyes locking with him, tongue out front of his dick, hungry for his cum juice. Minutes later, I could feel a taste of sweetness in my mouth, it dripped back to my throat as my mouth still wide-opened for him to finished. I stood up as he finished. We chatted a bit. Then I kissed him goodbye and looked for others.

----------

I opened the door of the sauna, there I saw the good-looking lad standing by the wooden wall near the door entrance, our eyes locked for a bit as if he was telling me he wanted me. I entered the sauna and sat for 2 minutes and left because the men kept coming in. I walked to the back of the premise and sat on the stool, there I saw another white-looking fit silver daddy. He is slightly bulkier, probably older than the first one I met but he looks pretty good at his age. His eyes were locking on me when I walked. I went to the private lounge to see if he followed. He did. The private room was unlocked and free, I went in there, and wait for him. He appeared, then he closed the door behind him. We both took our towels off, my eyes went straight to his whooping 7 inches schloong. We moved our body closer, I placed my hands on his hairy pecs, him sniffing on my necks, our faces were so close to each other, we moved in for a kiss, followed by our tongue stacking against each other. His 7 incher was poking against me. I kneel down and placed him in my mouth, sucking it gently while I tilted my head up, eyes looking up to him as I did the first one. I love it when I get to look at their facial expression when I suck their dick in this way. Somehow it makes me feel like a slutty boy on his knee getting punished for something I never did. Their immense pleasure plastered across their face as I looked at them in their eyes when I sucking them so hard give me a satisfaction that I have the power over them when their dick in my mouth. I wanted him to fuck me, but he did not want to. So I gave him a sloppy blowjob. I told him to cum in my mouth. He started jerking off, I dropped on my knees, both of my arms high up playing his nipples, before I knew, he exploded all over my mouth.

----------

The 3rd load was rather quick. I sucked this indian daddy, as he grew hard, I could feel the pre-cum leaking in my mouth, the next minute, he cummed inside without warning. I swallow it and he left the steam-bath while I sitting in the dark waiting to score the next one. By now, my mouth was full of unborn babies from 3 different daddies. If the throat can ever be pregnant, I wonder what is the chances and who the father was.

By 8.30 pm, the crowd has become thinning. I went to the roof deck to check out, found another skinny daddy laying on the mattress, awaiting for someone. I went in and play his dick under the towel, he untug the towel and let me suck him. I was sucking him for good ol 5 minutes to get his dick hard 6 inches. I kept sucking him and he cummed in my mouth without another warning.

I left the sauna with 4 loads in my stomach and dissatisfaction of not getting fucked.

Breeding While Having Fever

Dear Zach,

The next day after the trip to Otot2 sauan, I felt my head spinning when I woke up in the morning. But I still make myself to the gym since it was my favorite leg days. But my workout were cut short into 35 minutes session as opposed to usual 1 hour 30 min because I could the fever fatigue hitting on me.

When I got into my car, I checked my phone and there was a grindr message. It was from a chinese top I met few years ago. He has been texting me over the years for 2nd meet up but our timing were never right. So happened I finished my gym session before 10 am but my intention was to go to the clinic. So I decided to meet him up and his place was just 10 minutes away from the gym. 

We met at the front of the convenient mart so that he brought me up to his apartment unit. He looked older than we first met. At least he did not get fat but his physique remained borderline stocky.

After I washed and douched in his bathroom, he was naked on the bed playing his dick. I crawled over his bed and put his semi hard on in my mouth. He grew into a full 6.5 inches thick as I worked my slutty mouth on his chunky meat. The top-down windows of his room were fully seen through but his unit is at 15th floor, and it was day time, the cars on the highway can barely see us from down there. I kept sucking him and he nudged me to deep throat it. But my throat was hurting from the fever/infection, I told him I would try. After a several attempts, I lubed myself up and his hard-on, I placed my orifice against his tip, poking in slightly to bulge my anus opened, slowly, skin-to-skin sliding in with ease. I just love big and thick dick raw fucking me. I rode on him for a while before we switched to doggy style.

He fucked me in a relatively quicken pace, but not enough for me to moan louder. He grabbed his phone and record the penetration view from my back. I did not mind at all because it meant that my ass looks too good to true. Then, we moved our sex play to the kitchen isle in front of a big mirror. I was leaning on top of the isle facing the big mirror, back arching for him while he was taking it from the back as we were both looking at the mirror. To my surprise, I look quite muscular in my reflection - though I still have to work on my shoulder and arms. He kept fucking me hard til he told me he was gonna cum. With his breathing pacing up, he squirted his man juice inside of me. His thick cum was spread along my ass cheeks as he pulled it out, I looked at my ass in the mirror, wet and covered with his white stains.

I cleaned up and left his place. Before I went back home, I dropped by the clinic.    

Raw-dogged by Bear Belly

Dear Zach,

One day after getting PREP, I have already been raw-dogged by 2 men.

Yesterday evening, I took 2 doses of pills before I headed to Otot2 sauna. The chances to get fucked there is relatively higher. I decided to try my luck. I was under the weather since morning at the gym. My throat started to do its trick again. By the time I reached the sauna, I was feeling lethargic. I couldn't stay long in the hot sauna, I felt myself burning up - the fever was creeping in. I cruised around the dark open spaces and steam bath room to see if I have any luck. At that point, I really didn't mind to hook up with the malays, I just wanted to get bred by random guys.

Towards 10pm, I wanted to give up and leave because my head started to spin. I walked into the dark open space again. An indian bear, with his hairy bear belly and scruffy chin, walked into the room, he seemed to be eager to hook up as I saw him trying to grab a skinny malay twink, but he pushed him away and told him he was not interested. He stood by the wall, playing his dick, then he saw my silhouette sitting in front of him. He came over, reached his hand over my dick, playing it, I did the same to him. He was already fully erected at 5.5 inches. He smooched me as soon as I stood up. He tasted like beer. We were making out in the dark, other men were passing by us and some were trying to squeeze in between us. He licked and chew on my nipples ferociously, I let out a moan. I kneel down and put his dick in my mouth, it smelled like indian cock I love it.

We, then, moved our play time to a private toilet. He ate my ass, his scruffy beard tickling my ass cheeks as he ate my ass. I grind my ass against his cock, as if nudging him to slid right in. He spit on his dick, and he entered me fully raw. Ohhh I love it. How the years of fantasizing getting raw fucked by a random guy at a random place, having bareback sex without any trace of doubt, letting the natural fornication taken its course just like how it supposed to be - no barrier, no worrying, no limit.

He grabbed my shoulders as he humping me from the back. As he quicken up, he let out a moan and cum inside of me. He pulled it out and my asshole was dripping with his juice. We chat a little. I believe he is not a local. He is a Punjabi but I couldn't hear which country he is from. He seems to have little understanding in English. I gave him a kiss, and took a long sniff across his hairy chest and belly, and bid him goodbye.

I took a shower and left.

On PREP and PEP. Finally.

Dear Zach,

After years of thinking, months of being persuaded, and days of absolutely doing it, I am finally to be on PreP. I know this is not some sort of groundbreaking announcement, but at least I am glad that I am taking more precaution in protecting myself in having sex.

I wasn't convinced the method of taking prep daily. I don't see the point of taking daily as I am no longer a sex worker, and I do not have sex everyday. I only have bareback sex with both guys whom they are also on prep. So basically, the chances of getting HIV is technically zero.

I was in no intention to visit the clinic. But the tendonitis on the middle finger of my left palm has been bugging me for 2 weeks. The pain persists no matter what I did. So I got no choice to make a visit to the clinic. The doctor who specialized in PREP and PEP medicine was so happened to be on duty that day. Hence, I queried him about it.

He convinced me that PREP can be taken on-demand method - in other words, only take it when you intend to have sex 1 or few hours before, and continue taking it for the next 2 days. He said that recent studies have shown that on-demand method is proven to be as effective in protecting against the infection as taking it daily. I was surprised to know that. All this while, I have always thought it is a must to be taken daily. The doctor also mentioned that you can continuedly taking it as long as you intend to have bareback sex for days, or else you can just stop. Only take when needed. Same goes to PEP, aka deoxypep, it is designated to protect yourself from STD after having unprotected sex. Same method as taking PREP, but the duration is only one day shorter. I wasn't into taking PEP, however, syphilis can be a nasty work of art when comes to treating it, that was what the doctor said. It is better be safe than sorry.

The price for 1 bottle of PREP is RM75 for 30 days while PEP is RM60 for 30 days. They are relatively affordable and cost-saving if I were to use on-demand method. I was totally won over by it, and decided to grab 3 bottles each. These bottles are more than enough for me to last for almost a year if I plan it wisely when comes to having bareback sex. It is certainly not a hall pass to have free reign raw sex with anyone, but at least I can have raw sex with big dicks in peace now.     

Returned Spirit

Dear Zach,

On the 6th day after my mum's passing, in the Chinese tradition, we family members are required to prepare prayer to "welcome" the returning of the spirit at home at midnight. In short, this prayer is to welcome the deceased spirit to visit us for the final time.

Since my brother was headed back to Singapore, only left me and my dad prepared all the food stuffs and prayers item for the night to come. We got everything ready on the dining table where my mum used to sit for dinner. We made sure everything was aligned correctly, nice and neat, as what my mum would have preferred. By 9.30pm, my dad lit up the long and thick joystick and insert in a flower vase, and put it on top of a stool, and placed them next to our main door. The purpose of the lit joystick is to create a faint light path in the dark, so that the spirit can "see" where it headed.

The opening period for the spirits to "visit" was between 10 pm to 2 am. By 10 pm, we were told to go inside our room, light out and sleep. This is to avoid "clashing" with the spirits - to avoid seeing the real ghost so to speak.

I was in my deep sleep state. But here comes the strangest thing happened.

Out of the blue, my room was getting stuffy and warm, even though the air-conditoner was working as usual. I felt my light goosebump, somewhat feeling there was a presence standing next to my bed. I was fully awaken by it but I kept my closed tightly. The "presence" muttered something on me, the next thing I knew, my whole body went numb, followed by a cold perspiration. I knew what it was but I refused to move an inch.

I was too stunned to move. I started chanting in my heart to keep myself calm. I told myself the spirits meant no harm to anyone. And one of them could have been my mum. According to the Chinese tradition, when the deceased spirit returned, it is always accompanied by two "bodyguard" spirits. Hence, the strong presence could have been them. Not long later, I, again, went into numb-cold perspiration shock. This continuedly went on 4 times in the space of, I don't know, maybe every 20 minutes? I did not check the time when it happened. Even though I sleep with ear bud, I could hear the sound of cup clinking and opening lid of the kettle pot outside of my room. My dad slept dead after he took his sleeping med, so there was no way he would have came out of his room and sip water.

I was not sure what time it was, but for the finale, I felt the presence came back, the chair next to my bed was moved slightly, I was too frightened to move. Here it comes, I thought. Somehow, the presence gave me a sense of calm and comfort, it did not cause me any shock as I was ready for it.

I knew then it was my mother. Because she always clumsily knock away the chair when she open my wardrobe to put my clothes. I knew she was beside me, probably looking down on me for one last time. I can feel her; I can feel her reluctance to leave; It lasted probably a few minutes. Not long after, my sweating back starting to feel cool, the temperature of the room began to fall, the whole atmosphere slowly back to normal. That was when I knew it was the moment when she bid farewell to me.

It is Working

Dear Zach,

I have made some progress in my process of bulking up my physique. In just 8 months, I have gained from 70 kg to 85kg. Everybody in the gym has seen how far my progress come to and starting to view me in admiration. As my weight slowly going up, my abs is slowly become least visible. As a matter of fact, I am told that I look good at my current size. Indeed, I look at the mirror, I look stocky and my ass has become more plumper than before, all the hard "ass" work in the gym is slowly paying off.

I am still watchful of my diet. I did not stray too far from my meal plan although I have the excuse of telling myself I am bulking up. I realized that when I stick to exact meal plan I have configurated, my weight has finally gone up. Calorie counting is crucial when comes to weight management. A lot of guys who have noticed my significant progress in the gym approached me asking about food and meal plan as most of them eye-balled what they eat and expect to gain significant results. They were disappointed when I told them to just count your calories, I bet they expect some secret juice or some sort.

As much as I eat a lot, I am still budgeting in terms of my grocery list. As I am not working now, I do not intend to spend shitload of money just for food.

I still have another 5 more kgs to go to reach my end goal.

Hopefully I could reach it by the end of the year. 

New Favorite Place: Chakran Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Few posts ago, I said I would stop going to gay sauna. But I failed to comply. On the other note, instead of going to the usual sauna I went to, I decided to go to a cheaper entry gay sauna in the town. The entry fee of Chakran gay sauna is RM30. Considering the fact that it is located at the busiest street of the town, the price is reasonable. It is reasonable because the facilities are much sub par compared to the ones at OTOT2 which has jacuzzi, high heat steam bath and sauna, and ample of spaces. Chakran is just a one-floored layout with small sauna and steam bath room with subpar temperature, even the shower room is just located at the very corner of the layout. It has a narrow spiral staircase to the top balcony with the majestic view of skyscrapers. But it is shaded with outdoor net, hence, from the look from the outside, it is not visible to see some action on the balcony. It has only 2 private rooms, others are just cubicles covered with curtains. So far, I don't see much action there because men there are quite shy. 

One thing I love about Chakran is because majority of the patrons are indians - brown, dark, tanned skin men. Some are bangladeshi and pakistanis. And my main preference in men when comes to sex is Indians. Simply because they have big dicks. Indeed, I've had best times there sucking random big black indian cocks in the dark steam bath room, one and another, bopping my head between 6 to 7 inches of black dicks, surrounded by the scent of musky curry smell, slopping over girthy uncut dicks from left to right. I was in heaven. Most of the time, I was the only chinese there, therefore, I was outstanding amongst the brown crowd.

Since the place is small, getting into action is relatively simple because there is nowhere else go cruise. Most of the action take place in the sauna and dark steam bath room as both of it are just stone throw away from each other. Most of the time, I was the one who instigated the action. One of them would start slipping their hand underneath my towel to reach for my dick and vice versa. When I felt their dick started to grow underneath my hand, I reached over and started sucking it joyfully. The others could see my silhouette in the dark room, they would start to come around me, playfully caress my nipples and dick, one by one, one sucking my cock, one making out with me, one hungrily sucking my nipples. I was breathless in between them but I was euphoric. Then, they dropped their towel, I was facing with plenty of option of dicks to suck. Most of them are well endowed, they were eager to push their hard big cock in my face while I was sucking another, I turned to the next one and suck it, then repeat with a few others. Usually, when they cummed, they would just leave and I would continue my hunt til they closed at 9.30pm. By 9 pm, everybody would be gone.

I always leave with heavenly satisfaction after having 5 or 6 dicks in my mouth. Chakran is my newfound hookup place with my gathered favorite indian men. 

Seeking Partner

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I always thought about having a relationship - head over heels romantic relationship. I read so much of romance novels when I was in college, I was hoping one day these kinds of shoulder-bumping falling in love at first sight scenario would have happened to me. If not first sight, probably a few fucks before getting into it. When the more I expected it, the more it stretched out towards an infinitely distant point in the future. Although I've had sexes with plenty of men over the decade, I still couldn't settle down for one guy whom I feel like he could be the one. I never had a relationship. This truth ought to surprise some of my hook ups as I told them when they asked.

" .. but you are good-looking, how come?"

I just closed my eyes, laying my head on his chest after sex, and trying to scramble my mind for random answers just to reply to his question.

Til this day, I find it odd myself as to why I never had a serious partner. I can find a guy to have sex easily, but I can never find a guy who wants me as a whole. I noticed that I tend to give out strong sexual appeal and the gays look at me hungrily as their sexual object. I am not complaining, but at one point I wonder if that is the only thing I can offer - oozing sex pheromones and having the men lusting over me.

These days I can't help myself but feeling a bit lonely. When I looked my contact list, I don't even have a confidant to talk to about everything. I have been alone for very long time, but the feeling of being lonely somehow creeping into my life.  

Attract and Repel

Dear Zach,

Sex is like a magnet - attraction and repulsion. Like poles repel, while unlike poles attract. This metaphor applies to heterosexual and homosexual sex. Dick to vagina; Dick to ass. Simple as that. When a top intends to fuck, he fucks. When a bottom intend to get railed, he spread his legs wide opened. When a bottom intend to fuck a bottom, it would likely never happen.

Last week, I met up with this guy whom we have met several times few years back. He hit me up out of the blue and asking if I was free to go over to his place for a quick fun while his parents away to attend for a funeral. He used to be a vers-top. Now I am not sure.

He still looks the same as the last time we met. We made out at his coach and eventually we moved to his room. When I tried to suck his dick, I realized his dick is shorter than I last saw. Probably it was too long since we have met. I sucked him. His dick slowly grew into a 5 inches solid. Somehow, he grew soft on me when he put on the condom. He told me he had cum few times before I arrived. He seemed apologetic. I told him it was fine. But his ass looks extremely meaty and juicy. I asked if I was okay to fuck him instead. In fact, he was glad that I asked. I can't remember the last time I fucked a guy, but I did not really enjoy it. I tried this time if I could get myself hard enough to fuck a guy. His bubble ass surely turn me on. But he was too tight for me to enter. Not sure my dick wasn't willing to let me into him or my dick wasn't hard enough to fuck. After a few attempts, I gave up. I told him I was done and left him hanging.

I was never meant to fuck. For all my life, I have been a bottom - a great one. Getting fucked real hard is my forte as a pure bottom. After this time attempting to be a top, I realized I will never go back to being a top for the rest of my life. I just don't like it. Bottom's ass repels me. My ass only attract dicks - especially the big and long ones.   

Ghosted

Dear Zach,

Being ghosted is pretty common nowadays. It happens in friendship, relationship, and sex. I have ghosted many men when comes to sex. When the sex was sub par, I pretty much deleted his number the second he left my house. I have plenty of sub par sex - the first time was usually great ; when comes to the 2nd time, somehow, it fell flat and the passion was no more. I guess we both felt that too. Once we were done, we no longer contact each other anymore. I don't believe the 3rd time is the charm.

The year before pandemic hit, I was hooking up with this malay guy, from being my masseur to my monthly sex buddy, for a year. I called him Rick. After the pandemic, we continued meeting up at his place every month. Our chemistry hit right off the bat. Everytime we met, the sex was mind blowing. After sex, we would stay on the coach, him sitting up right while my head laying on his thighs, he would brush my hair and talk about his days at work and asked about myself. He sometimes shared about his ex-bf with HIV and how toxic their relationship was. We gladly shared our thoughts and ideas about our lives. All things, sadly, have come to the end.

Towards the end of 2023, he no longer messaged me and replied any of my messages. The last sex we had was kinda off and I sensed that. But I did not query further. As months went by, I got nothing from him. Somehow, I knew he has a bf. Not that I found out, I just knew when a guy is in a relationship, he would just ghost others. It is not rocket science. One day in May this year, he texted me out of the blue, asking if I still remember him. We chatted a bit. He wanted to have sex with me again, although he was still in a relationship. I was stoked that he still miss our sex, somehow I was no longer into him anymore. But I did not have the heart to tell him that. I just made some excuses to turn down. He then texted me again 2 weeks later, but I ignored him completely as I was caring my cancer-stricken mum that time. Since then, he no longer texted me and vice versa. I knew I have to let him go the moment he ghosted me for a year and half and texted me again just because he misses us while in a relationship. Now it is my turn to ghost him. 

I met this indian young guy in 2021. It was one of the hottest day of the month, we met up at a motel in uptown 20 minutes away from my home. He is known as Ben. He is good-looking and almost my height. He has a solid 6 inches and thick in width. When he entered inside of me, it was otherworldly. I have never felt this amazing sparks inside of me. My ass was in sync with his every hip pounding on me. We were great with each other. The sex was amazing. After we were done, we kept in touch. Few days later, we met up again. We couldn't get enough of each other. We started having bareback sex although we barely knew each other. I was having doubts. But my lust obscured my rationale. I let him bred me. This happened for a few sex met up until I brought up the topic about getting tested. Somehow he was upset I brought it up, thinking I don't trust him. The conversation ended when he blocked me.

One year later, he found me again on Grindr. We met up at a motel for passionate make-up sex. Since then, we have been meeting up for sex monthly over the next few years. There were months he has to abstain from sex for prayers purpose. I respected him about that. It has always been him texting me first for meet up when he was free. Because he works for shift, his hours are odd, we didn't always get meet up at the perfect timing. There were times when he was available, I was not. He was staying 45 minutes away from my place, and he would always prefer meeting me at the cheap motel near my home. Since it was the only option when we both can't host. One thing I dislike about him that he has always been sketchy about his life. Whenever I tried to ask about his sexual life apart of having me as his sole sexual partner as he claims, he seemed to quite avoidance of my queries. I asked because I care. I care for his sexual health and always remind him to play safe with others. There was one time he blurted out about the consumption of PreP. As sketchy as always, he did not really answer my questions about how and where he got it from. Since we were having bareback sex most of the time, I was worried about myself. Every 3 months I would get myself tested.

As always, all things have its own expiry date, our last met was on May. Since then, all odds against us from meeting up - him getting into accident, working double jobs, tiredness. His monotonous replies to my every text has gotten me to think that he has enough of me. I don't blame him. He is 7 years younger than me, at this age, he should be having sex with everyone. And, I also accept the fact that no matter how great the sex was, at one point it will become a bore for both. Eventually, I ignored his every "hi" he sent. Last text he sent was asking me if I have extra condom and lube to spare. I blocked him. I do not need him rubbing on my face with his new found bottom. Or a bottom he has been fucking without me knowing. Whatever, I blocked him and deleted his number.

I am done being ghosted. Years of sexual relationship with the men you fond of have come to end just like that.

 

I Shall Stop

Dear Zach,

Starting next month onward, I shall stop doing these things.

1. Spending time on social media app

Truth be told, I have been doing nothing productive but scrolling away on the screen of my phone in FB shorts video. Same goes to IG reels. I could spend over 30 minutes of my time watching every short clips consisting of jokes and laughter. Although 90% of my IG reels are in Spanish, somehow I have gotten used to listening and reading the language and am able to understand probably 70% of the context of the video. But it does not justify the amount of time being wasted on it. Also, the notion of body dysmorphia is slowly creeping into my mind. Those reels by the fitness influencers keep popping up, making me start to become self-conscious about my body as I am on my way to 90kg and I seem to become quite stocky these days. I probably would delete IG app and remain FB just to keep up what's the trend and news these days. 

2. Going to Gay Sauna

I have been hooked to going gay sauna. Just this week itself, I have gone to the gay sauna 3 times, in an excuse for missing out my weekly sauna session for the past 2 weeks due to illness. Recently, I have become bored with the gay sauna scene. I see the same guys every time I was there. The sauna I usually go to is full of bottoms. The bottoms always assume I was a top - they tend to grind on me and give me a sloppy blow job. But I always make use of the facilities provided to fullest just to get my money worth. 

3. Staying away from Grindr

I have sex every 2 days recently. Either with my regulars or with some new random guys from grindr. I have been on grindr for every hour just to get sex date at my place at night. I can't keep doing this anymore. I blame on the process of bulking my physique to 90kg - the side effect of bulking is making me horny 24/7. Also, I am tired trying to discover another new mens' dos and don'ts in bed. Probably for now, I'll stick to jerking off or booty call my regulars if they are free.

4. Procrastination

I need to jot down on to-do list to keep my productivity in check. I need to find a source of income. I need a gig. Or a job to garner income. I have been thinking of venturing into writing. But first, I need to read a lot in which I procrastinate to do so. To be a better writer, you have to read. But books are expensive in Malaysia. I need to find a way sourcing for 2nd hand books. More on this topic in later post.

  

20s into 30s; 30s into 20s

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I expected myself to hook up with guys at my age - young, dumb, getting together at our age, possibly could be partners in love or in crime. Turned out, I always tend to hook up with men over 30s, sometimes 40s and 50s. Not gonna lie, the accumulative sexual experiences with mature men had shaped me sexually into a full fledge bottom. As they said, your 20s is all about being adventurous in terms of work, life, and sex. My 20s was my best years. I do not regret every minute I spent having sex with random guys to explore my sexual needs and whatnot - in other word, I was a slut. IF you don't spend your 20s having a lot of sexes, are you even living? Just my opinion. Most guys I met were mature - they gave me sense of security and knew what they were doing in bed. As you grow older, you would know what you want out of a partner when comes to sex - you affirm your needs and communicate with your partners so that both of you enjoy what to come next. After all, sex is meant to be enjoyable. I learnt that from them.

Funnily enough, as I am in my 30s now and I thought I would probably meet more men over 30s, turned out most of my hook ups are in their early and mid 20s. My regulars are all age between 21-25. It actually turns me on when a younger guy enjoy fucking me the most as they do to their counterpart. Probably the term "daddy" has been overly sexualized and become a symbol of masculinity for men over 30s, hence, they would rather fuck a sexually experienced man to learn and apprehend rather than fucking a twat in his 20s knows nothing about douching and make a "shitty" mess. The years of sexual experience have given me confidence in becoming who I am and knowing what to do when comes to pleasuring a top. Things I don't enjoy doing I would say no. Some sexual positions I love getting pound in, I would tell them. It is all about open communication. This is how they learn and like when comes to having sex with mature men.