Daddies' Juice

Dear Zach,

Last evening, I went to Chakran with the hope of getting railed by one of the black indian cocks. I arrived before 7pm, the crowd was good - probably more than 20 men in there. I quickly stripped myself naked and wrapped the towel around my waist, and walked up to the 2nd floor looking for action.

The men were by the corridor in front of the sauna. Everyone was looking for everyone. The steam bath was crowded with men and moans. Surprisingly, the temperature of the steam bath has finally fixed and the heat was great as I could barely feel any heat in the steam bath room for the past few weeks I was there.

There were some fine-looking indian gentlemen that night. One of them was a really good-looking, thick hair, sharp jawline, beautiful face feature, and lean toned body physique. He was a catch. Our eyes locked for a few occasion. We intended to get close but he seemed a bit hesitant. I did not want to come across as desperate slut as I was, so I just walked around and scout for others.

One tall silver indian daddy caught my eyes. He is really tall, probably 185cm, and has an average strong hairy body. Here I meant strong is because I can tell he works out a bit, has no belly but a firm chest. We locked our eyes. He then followed me into the dark steam bath room, hoping he would grab me before I disappeared into darkness. I stood quite out front near the entrance, so that he could make out of me. As he passed me by, I put my hand lightly on his crotch, letting him know I was interested in him. He held my hand and played my pecs with his other hand, light and playful enough for wanting him more. I dove into his hair chest and sucked his nipples, then he pulled me upward, and sealed my lips with his. He kissed me in an awfully romantic way. As the heat was too much, he grabbed my hand and moved to the shower room below. Now I saw him clearly enough. I kneel down and sucked his hard 5.5 inches, me on my knee, my eyes looking up to him while I sucking him, wanting to see how I took him in my mouth. As a silver daddy who is closed to 50 year old, he certainly is keeping himself in good shape. I told him to cum for me. He started to jerk his dick off slowly, I was still on my knees, eyes locking with him, tongue out front of his dick, hungry for his cum juice. Minutes later, I could feel a taste of sweetness in my mouth, it dripped back to my throat as my mouth still wide-opened for him to finished. I stood up as he finished. We chatted a bit. Then I kissed him goodbye and looked for others.

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I opened the door of the sauna, there I saw the good-looking lad standing by the wooden wall near the door entrance, our eyes locked for a bit as if he was telling me he wanted me. I entered the sauna and sat for 2 minutes and left because the men kept coming in. I walked to the back of the premise and sat on the stool, there I saw another white-looking fit silver daddy. He is slightly bulkier, probably older than the first one I met but he looks pretty good at his age. His eyes were locking on me when I walked. I went to the private lounge to see if he followed. He did. The private room was unlocked and free, I went in there, and wait for him. He appeared, then he closed the door behind him. We both took our towels off, my eyes went straight to his whooping 7 inches schloong. We moved our body closer, I placed my hands on his hairy pecs, him sniffing on my necks, our faces were so close to each other, we moved in for a kiss, followed by our tongue stacking against each other. His 7 incher was poking against me. I kneel down and placed him in my mouth, sucking it gently while I tilted my head up, eyes looking up to him as I did the first one. I love it when I get to look at their facial expression when I suck their dick in this way. Somehow it makes me feel like a slutty boy on his knee getting punished for something I never did. Their immense pleasure plastered across their face as I looked at them in their eyes when I sucking them so hard give me a satisfaction that I have the power over them when their dick in my mouth. I wanted him to fuck me, but he did not want to. So I gave him a sloppy blowjob. I told him to cum in my mouth. He started jerking off, I dropped on my knees, both of my arms high up playing his nipples, before I knew, he exploded all over my mouth.

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The 3rd load was rather quick. I sucked this indian daddy, as he grew hard, I could feel the pre-cum leaking in my mouth, the next minute, he cummed inside without warning. I swallow it and he left the steam-bath while I sitting in the dark waiting to score the next one. By now, my mouth was full of unborn babies from 3 different daddies. If the throat can ever be pregnant, I wonder what is the chances and who the father was.

By 8.30 pm, the crowd has become thinning. I went to the roof deck to check out, found another skinny daddy laying on the mattress, awaiting for someone. I went in and play his dick under the towel, he untug the towel and let me suck him. I was sucking him for good ol 5 minutes to get his dick hard 6 inches. I kept sucking him and he cummed in my mouth without another warning.

I left the sauna with 4 loads in my stomach and dissatisfaction of not getting fucked.

Breeding While Having Fever

Dear Zach,

The next day after the trip to Otot2 sauan, I felt my head spinning when I woke up in the morning. But I still make myself to the gym since it was my favorite leg days. But my workout were cut short into 35 minutes session as opposed to usual 1 hour 30 min because I could the fever fatigue hitting on me.

When I got into my car, I checked my phone and there was a grindr message. It was from a chinese top I met few years ago. He has been texting me over the years for 2nd meet up but our timing were never right. So happened I finished my gym session before 10 am but my intention was to go to the clinic. So I decided to meet him up and his place was just 10 minutes away from the gym. 

We met at the front of the convenient mart so that he brought me up to his apartment unit. He looked older than we first met. At least he did not get fat but his physique remained borderline stocky.

After I washed and douched in his bathroom, he was naked on the bed playing his dick. I crawled over his bed and put his semi hard on in my mouth. He grew into a full 6.5 inches thick as I worked my slutty mouth on his chunky meat. The top-down windows of his room were fully seen through but his unit is at 15th floor, and it was day time, the cars on the highway can barely see us from down there. I kept sucking him and he nudged me to deep throat it. But my throat was hurting from the fever/infection, I told him I would try. After a several attempts, I lubed myself up and his hard-on, I placed my orifice against his tip, poking in slightly to bulge my anus opened, slowly, skin-to-skin sliding in with ease. I just love big and thick dick raw fucking me. I rode on him for a while before we switched to doggy style.

He fucked me in a relatively quicken pace, but not enough for me to moan louder. He grabbed his phone and record the penetration view from my back. I did not mind at all because it meant that my ass looks too good to true. Then, we moved our sex play to the kitchen isle in front of a big mirror. I was leaning on top of the isle facing the big mirror, back arching for him while he was taking it from the back as we were both looking at the mirror. To my surprise, I look quite muscular in my reflection - though I still have to work on my shoulder and arms. He kept fucking me hard til he told me he was gonna cum. With his breathing pacing up, he squirted his man juice inside of me. His thick cum was spread along my ass cheeks as he pulled it out, I looked at my ass in the mirror, wet and covered with his white stains.

I cleaned up and left his place. Before I went back home, I dropped by the clinic.    

Raw-dogged by Bear Belly

Dear Zach,

One day after getting PREP, I have already been raw-dogged by 2 men.

Yesterday evening, I took 2 doses of pills before I headed to Otot2 sauna. The chances to get fucked there is relatively higher. I decided to try my luck. I was under the weather since morning at the gym. My throat started to do its trick again. By the time I reached the sauna, I was feeling lethargic. I couldn't stay long in the hot sauna, I felt myself burning up - the fever was creeping in. I cruised around the dark open spaces and steam bath room to see if I have any luck. At that point, I really didn't mind to hook up with the malays, I just wanted to get bred by random guys.

Towards 10pm, I wanted to give up and leave because my head started to spin. I walked into the dark open space again. An indian bear, with his hairy bear belly and scruffy chin, walked into the room, he seemed to be eager to hook up as I saw him trying to grab a skinny malay twink, but he pushed him away and told him he was not interested. He stood by the wall, playing his dick, then he saw my silhouette sitting in front of him. He came over, reached his hand over my dick, playing it, I did the same to him. He was already fully erected at 5.5 inches. He smooched me as soon as I stood up. He tasted like beer. We were making out in the dark, other men were passing by us and some were trying to squeeze in between us. He licked and chew on my nipples ferociously, I let out a moan. I kneel down and put his dick in my mouth, it smelled like indian cock I love it.

We, then, moved our play time to a private toilet. He ate my ass, his scruffy beard tickling my ass cheeks as he ate my ass. I grind my ass against his cock, as if nudging him to slid right in. He spit on his dick, and he entered me fully raw. Ohhh I love it. How the years of fantasizing getting raw fucked by a random guy at a random place, having bareback sex without any trace of doubt, letting the natural fornication taken its course just like how it supposed to be - no barrier, no worrying, no limit.

He grabbed my shoulders as he humping me from the back. As he quicken up, he let out a moan and cum inside of me. He pulled it out and my asshole was dripping with his juice. We chat a little. I believe he is not a local. He is a Punjabi but I couldn't hear which country he is from. He seems to have little understanding in English. I gave him a kiss, and took a long sniff across his hairy chest and belly, and bid him goodbye.

I took a shower and left.

On PREP and PEP. Finally.

Dear Zach,

After years of thinking, months of being persuaded, and days of absolutely doing it, I am finally to be on PreP. I know this is not some sort of groundbreaking announcement, but at least I am glad that I am taking more precaution in protecting myself in having sex.

I wasn't convinced the method of taking prep daily. I don't see the point of taking daily as I am no longer a sex worker, and I do not have sex everyday. I only have bareback sex with both guys whom they are also on prep. So basically, the chances of getting HIV is technically zero.

I was in no intention to visit the clinic. But the tendonitis on the middle finger of my left palm has been bugging me for 2 weeks. The pain persists no matter what I did. So I got no choice to make a visit to the clinic. The doctor who specialized in PREP and PEP medicine was so happened to be on duty that day. Hence, I queried him about it.

He convinced me that PREP can be taken on-demand method - in other words, only take it when you intend to have sex 1 or few hours before, and continue taking it for the next 2 days. He said that recent studies have shown that on-demand method is proven to be as effective in protecting against the infection as taking it daily. I was surprised to know that. All this while, I have always thought it is a must to be taken daily. The doctor also mentioned that you can continuedly taking it as long as you intend to have bareback sex for days, or else you can just stop. Only take when needed. Same goes to PEP, aka deoxypep, it is designated to protect yourself from STD after having unprotected sex. Same method as taking PREP, but the duration is only one day shorter. I wasn't into taking PEP, however, syphilis can be a nasty work of art when comes to treating it, that was what the doctor said. It is better be safe than sorry.

The price for 1 bottle of PREP is RM75 for 30 days while PEP is RM60 for 30 days. They are relatively affordable and cost-saving if I were to use on-demand method. I was totally won over by it, and decided to grab 3 bottles each. These bottles are more than enough for me to last for almost a year if I plan it wisely when comes to having bareback sex. It is certainly not a hall pass to have free reign raw sex with anyone, but at least I can have raw sex with big dicks in peace now.     

Returned Spirit

Dear Zach,

On the 6th day after my mum's passing, in the Chinese tradition, we family members are required to prepare prayer to "welcome" the returning of the spirit at home at midnight. In short, this prayer is to welcome the deceased spirit to visit us for the final time.

Since my brother was headed back to Singapore, only left me and my dad prepared all the food stuffs and prayers item for the night to come. We got everything ready on the dining table where my mum used to sit for dinner. We made sure everything was aligned correctly, nice and neat, as what my mum would have preferred. By 9.30pm, my dad lit up the long and thick joystick and insert in a flower vase, and put it on top of a stool, and placed them next to our main door. The purpose of the lit joystick is to create a faint light path in the dark, so that the spirit can "see" where it headed.

The opening period for the spirits to "visit" was between 10 pm to 2 am. By 10 pm, we were told to go inside our room, light out and sleep. This is to avoid "clashing" with the spirits - to avoid seeing the real ghost so to speak.

I was in my deep sleep state. But here comes the strangest thing happened.

Out of the blue, my room was getting stuffy and warm, even though the air-conditoner was working as usual. I felt my light goosebump, somewhat feeling there was a presence standing next to my bed. I was fully awaken by it but I kept my closed tightly. The "presence" muttered something on me, the next thing I knew, my whole body went numb, followed by a cold perspiration. I knew what it was but I refused to move an inch.

I was too stunned to move. I started chanting in my heart to keep myself calm. I told myself the spirits meant no harm to anyone. And one of them could have been my mum. According to the Chinese tradition, when the deceased spirit returned, it is always accompanied by two "bodyguard" spirits. Hence, the strong presence could have been them. Not long later, I, again, went into numb-cold perspiration shock. This continuedly went on 4 times in the space of, I don't know, maybe every 20 minutes? I did not check the time when it happened. Even though I sleep with ear bud, I could hear the sound of cup clinking and opening lid of the kettle pot outside of my room. My dad slept dead after he took his sleeping med, so there was no way he would have came out of his room and sip water.

I was not sure what time it was, but for the finale, I felt the presence came back, the chair next to my bed was moved slightly, I was too frightened to move. Here it comes, I thought. Somehow, the presence gave me a sense of calm and comfort, it did not cause me any shock as I was ready for it.

I knew then it was my mother. Because she always clumsily knock away the chair when she open my wardrobe to put my clothes. I knew she was beside me, probably looking down on me for one last time. I can feel her; I can feel her reluctance to leave; It lasted probably a few minutes. Not long after, my sweating back starting to feel cool, the temperature of the room began to fall, the whole atmosphere slowly back to normal. That was when I knew it was the moment when she bid farewell to me.

It is Working

Dear Zach,

I have made some progress in my process of bulking up my physique. In just 8 months, I have gained from 70 kg to 85kg. Everybody in the gym has seen how far my progress come to and starting to view me in admiration. As my weight slowly going up, my abs is slowly become least visible. As a matter of fact, I am told that I look good at my current size. Indeed, I look at the mirror, I look stocky and my ass has become more plumper than before, all the hard "ass" work in the gym is slowly paying off.

I am still watchful of my diet. I did not stray too far from my meal plan although I have the excuse of telling myself I am bulking up. I realized that when I stick to exact meal plan I have configurated, my weight has finally gone up. Calorie counting is crucial when comes to weight management. A lot of guys who have noticed my significant progress in the gym approached me asking about food and meal plan as most of them eye-balled what they eat and expect to gain significant results. They were disappointed when I told them to just count your calories, I bet they expect some secret juice or some sort.

As much as I eat a lot, I am still budgeting in terms of my grocery list. As I am not working now, I do not intend to spend shitload of money just for food.

I still have another 5 more kgs to go to reach my end goal.

Hopefully I could reach it by the end of the year. 

New Favorite Place: Chakran Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Few posts ago, I said I would stop going to gay sauna. But I failed to comply. On the other note, instead of going to the usual sauna I went to, I decided to go to a cheaper entry gay sauna in the town. The entry fee of Chakran gay sauna is RM30. Considering the fact that it is located at the busiest street of the town, the price is reasonable. It is reasonable because the facilities are much sub par compared to the ones at OTOT2 which has jacuzzi, high heat steam bath and sauna, and ample of spaces. Chakran is just a one-floored layout with small sauna and steam bath room with subpar temperature, even the shower room is just located at the very corner of the layout. It has a narrow spiral staircase to the top balcony with the majestic view of skyscrapers. But it is shaded with outdoor net, hence, from the look from the outside, it is not visible to see some action on the balcony. It has only 2 private rooms, others are just cubicles covered with curtains. So far, I don't see much action there because men there are quite shy. 

One thing I love about Chakran is because majority of the patrons are indians - brown, dark, tanned skin men. Some are bangladeshi and pakistanis. And my main preference in men when comes to sex is Indians. Simply because they have big dicks. Indeed, I've had best times there sucking random big black indian cocks in the dark steam bath room, one and another, bopping my head between 6 to 7 inches of black dicks, surrounded by the scent of musky curry smell, slopping over girthy uncut dicks from left to right. I was in heaven. Most of the time, I was the only chinese there, therefore, I was outstanding amongst the brown crowd.

Since the place is small, getting into action is relatively simple because there is nowhere else go cruise. Most of the action take place in the sauna and dark steam bath room as both of it are just stone throw away from each other. Most of the time, I was the one who instigated the action. One of them would start slipping their hand underneath my towel to reach for my dick and vice versa. When I felt their dick started to grow underneath my hand, I reached over and started sucking it joyfully. The others could see my silhouette in the dark room, they would start to come around me, playfully caress my nipples and dick, one by one, one sucking my cock, one making out with me, one hungrily sucking my nipples. I was breathless in between them but I was euphoric. Then, they dropped their towel, I was facing with plenty of option of dicks to suck. Most of them are well endowed, they were eager to push their hard big cock in my face while I was sucking another, I turned to the next one and suck it, then repeat with a few others. Usually, when they cummed, they would just leave and I would continue my hunt til they closed at 9.30pm. By 9 pm, everybody would be gone.

I always leave with heavenly satisfaction after having 5 or 6 dicks in my mouth. Chakran is my newfound hookup place with my gathered favorite indian men. 

Seeking Partner

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I always thought about having a relationship - head over heels romantic relationship. I read so much of romance novels when I was in college, I was hoping one day these kinds of shoulder-bumping falling in love at first sight scenario would have happened to me. If not first sight, probably a few fucks before getting into it. When the more I expected it, the more it stretched out towards an infinitely distant point in the future. Although I've had sexes with plenty of men over the decade, I still couldn't settle down for one guy whom I feel like he could be the one. I never had a relationship. This truth ought to surprise some of my hook ups as I told them when they asked.

" .. but you are good-looking, how come?"

I just closed my eyes, laying my head on his chest after sex, and trying to scramble my mind for random answers just to reply to his question.

Til this day, I find it odd myself as to why I never had a serious partner. I can find a guy to have sex easily, but I can never find a guy who wants me as a whole. I noticed that I tend to give out strong sexual appeal and the gays look at me hungrily as their sexual object. I am not complaining, but at one point I wonder if that is the only thing I can offer - oozing sex pheromones and having the men lusting over me.

These days I can't help myself but feeling a bit lonely. When I looked my contact list, I don't even have a confidant to talk to about everything. I have been alone for very long time, but the feeling of being lonely somehow creeping into my life.  

Attract and Repel

Dear Zach,

Sex is like a magnet - attraction and repulsion. Like poles repel, while unlike poles attract. This metaphor applies to heterosexual and homosexual sex. Dick to vagina; Dick to ass. Simple as that. When a top intends to fuck, he fucks. When a bottom intend to get railed, he spread his legs wide opened. When a bottom intend to fuck a bottom, it would likely never happen.

Last week, I met up with this guy whom we have met several times few years back. He hit me up out of the blue and asking if I was free to go over to his place for a quick fun while his parents away to attend for a funeral. He used to be a vers-top. Now I am not sure.

He still looks the same as the last time we met. We made out at his coach and eventually we moved to his room. When I tried to suck his dick, I realized his dick is shorter than I last saw. Probably it was too long since we have met. I sucked him. His dick slowly grew into a 5 inches solid. Somehow, he grew soft on me when he put on the condom. He told me he had cum few times before I arrived. He seemed apologetic. I told him it was fine. But his ass looks extremely meaty and juicy. I asked if I was okay to fuck him instead. In fact, he was glad that I asked. I can't remember the last time I fucked a guy, but I did not really enjoy it. I tried this time if I could get myself hard enough to fuck a guy. His bubble ass surely turn me on. But he was too tight for me to enter. Not sure my dick wasn't willing to let me into him or my dick wasn't hard enough to fuck. After a few attempts, I gave up. I told him I was done and left him hanging.

I was never meant to fuck. For all my life, I have been a bottom - a great one. Getting fucked real hard is my forte as a pure bottom. After this time attempting to be a top, I realized I will never go back to being a top for the rest of my life. I just don't like it. Bottom's ass repels me. My ass only attract dicks - especially the big and long ones.   

Ghosted

Dear Zach,

Being ghosted is pretty common nowadays. It happens in friendship, relationship, and sex. I have ghosted many men when comes to sex. When the sex was sub par, I pretty much deleted his number the second he left my house. I have plenty of sub par sex - the first time was usually great ; when comes to the 2nd time, somehow, it fell flat and the passion was no more. I guess we both felt that too. Once we were done, we no longer contact each other anymore. I don't believe the 3rd time is the charm.

The year before pandemic hit, I was hooking up with this malay guy, from being my masseur to my monthly sex buddy, for a year. I called him Rick. After the pandemic, we continued meeting up at his place every month. Our chemistry hit right off the bat. Everytime we met, the sex was mind blowing. After sex, we would stay on the coach, him sitting up right while my head laying on his thighs, he would brush my hair and talk about his days at work and asked about myself. He sometimes shared about his ex-bf with HIV and how toxic their relationship was. We gladly shared our thoughts and ideas about our lives. All things, sadly, have come to the end.

Towards the end of 2023, he no longer messaged me and replied any of my messages. The last sex we had was kinda off and I sensed that. But I did not query further. As months went by, I got nothing from him. Somehow, I knew he has a bf. Not that I found out, I just knew when a guy is in a relationship, he would just ghost others. It is not rocket science. One day in May this year, he texted me out of the blue, asking if I still remember him. We chatted a bit. He wanted to have sex with me again, although he was still in a relationship. I was stoked that he still miss our sex, somehow I was no longer into him anymore. But I did not have the heart to tell him that. I just made some excuses to turn down. He then texted me again 2 weeks later, but I ignored him completely as I was caring my cancer-stricken mum that time. Since then, he no longer texted me and vice versa. I knew I have to let him go the moment he ghosted me for a year and half and texted me again just because he misses us while in a relationship. Now it is my turn to ghost him. 

I met this indian young guy in 2021. It was one of the hottest day of the month, we met up at a motel in uptown 20 minutes away from my home. He is known as Ben. He is good-looking and almost my height. He has a solid 6 inches and thick in width. When he entered inside of me, it was otherworldly. I have never felt this amazing sparks inside of me. My ass was in sync with his every hip pounding on me. We were great with each other. The sex was amazing. After we were done, we kept in touch. Few days later, we met up again. We couldn't get enough of each other. We started having bareback sex although we barely knew each other. I was having doubts. But my lust obscured my rationale. I let him bred me. This happened for a few sex met up until I brought up the topic about getting tested. Somehow he was upset I brought it up, thinking I don't trust him. The conversation ended when he blocked me.

One year later, he found me again on Grindr. We met up at a motel for passionate make-up sex. Since then, we have been meeting up for sex monthly over the next few years. There were months he has to abstain from sex for prayers purpose. I respected him about that. It has always been him texting me first for meet up when he was free. Because he works for shift, his hours are odd, we didn't always get meet up at the perfect timing. There were times when he was available, I was not. He was staying 45 minutes away from my place, and he would always prefer meeting me at the cheap motel near my home. Since it was the only option when we both can't host. One thing I dislike about him that he has always been sketchy about his life. Whenever I tried to ask about his sexual life apart of having me as his sole sexual partner as he claims, he seemed to quite avoidance of my queries. I asked because I care. I care for his sexual health and always remind him to play safe with others. There was one time he blurted out about the consumption of PreP. As sketchy as always, he did not really answer my questions about how and where he got it from. Since we were having bareback sex most of the time, I was worried about myself. Every 3 months I would get myself tested.

As always, all things have its own expiry date, our last met was on May. Since then, all odds against us from meeting up - him getting into accident, working double jobs, tiredness. His monotonous replies to my every text has gotten me to think that he has enough of me. I don't blame him. He is 7 years younger than me, at this age, he should be having sex with everyone. And, I also accept the fact that no matter how great the sex was, at one point it will become a bore for both. Eventually, I ignored his every "hi" he sent. Last text he sent was asking me if I have extra condom and lube to spare. I blocked him. I do not need him rubbing on my face with his new found bottom. Or a bottom he has been fucking without me knowing. Whatever, I blocked him and deleted his number.

I am done being ghosted. Years of sexual relationship with the men you fond of have come to end just like that.

 

I Shall Stop

Dear Zach,

Starting next month onward, I shall stop doing these things.

1. Spending time on social media app

Truth be told, I have been doing nothing productive but scrolling away on the screen of my phone in FB shorts video. Same goes to IG reels. I could spend over 30 minutes of my time watching every short clips consisting of jokes and laughter. Although 90% of my IG reels are in Spanish, somehow I have gotten used to listening and reading the language and am able to understand probably 70% of the context of the video. But it does not justify the amount of time being wasted on it. Also, the notion of body dysmorphia is slowly creeping into my mind. Those reels by the fitness influencers keep popping up, making me start to become self-conscious about my body as I am on my way to 90kg and I seem to become quite stocky these days. I probably would delete IG app and remain FB just to keep up what's the trend and news these days. 

2. Going to Gay Sauna

I have been hooked to going gay sauna. Just this week itself, I have gone to the gay sauna 3 times, in an excuse for missing out my weekly sauna session for the past 2 weeks due to illness. Recently, I have become bored with the gay sauna scene. I see the same guys every time I was there. The sauna I usually go to is full of bottoms. The bottoms always assume I was a top - they tend to grind on me and give me a sloppy blow job. But I always make use of the facilities provided to fullest just to get my money worth. 

3. Staying away from Grindr

I have sex every 2 days recently. Either with my regulars or with some new random guys from grindr. I have been on grindr for every hour just to get sex date at my place at night. I can't keep doing this anymore. I blame on the process of bulking my physique to 90kg - the side effect of bulking is making me horny 24/7. Also, I am tired trying to discover another new mens' dos and don'ts in bed. Probably for now, I'll stick to jerking off or booty call my regulars if they are free.

4. Procrastination

I need to jot down on to-do list to keep my productivity in check. I need to find a source of income. I need a gig. Or a job to garner income. I have been thinking of venturing into writing. But first, I need to read a lot in which I procrastinate to do so. To be a better writer, you have to read. But books are expensive in Malaysia. I need to find a way sourcing for 2nd hand books. More on this topic in later post.

  

20s into 30s; 30s into 20s

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I expected myself to hook up with guys at my age - young, dumb, getting together at our age, possibly could be partners in love or in crime. Turned out, I always tend to hook up with men over 30s, sometimes 40s and 50s. Not gonna lie, the accumulative sexual experiences with mature men had shaped me sexually into a full fledge bottom. As they said, your 20s is all about being adventurous in terms of work, life, and sex. My 20s was my best years. I do not regret every minute I spent having sex with random guys to explore my sexual needs and whatnot - in other word, I was a slut. IF you don't spend your 20s having a lot of sexes, are you even living? Just my opinion. Most guys I met were mature - they gave me sense of security and knew what they were doing in bed. As you grow older, you would know what you want out of a partner when comes to sex - you affirm your needs and communicate with your partners so that both of you enjoy what to come next. After all, sex is meant to be enjoyable. I learnt that from them.

Funnily enough, as I am in my 30s now and I thought I would probably meet more men over 30s, turned out most of my hook ups are in their early and mid 20s. My regulars are all age between 21-25. It actually turns me on when a younger guy enjoy fucking me the most as they do to their counterpart. Probably the term "daddy" has been overly sexualized and become a symbol of masculinity for men over 30s, hence, they would rather fuck a sexually experienced man to learn and apprehend rather than fucking a twat in his 20s knows nothing about douching and make a "shitty" mess. The years of sexual experience have given me confidence in becoming who I am and knowing what to do when comes to pleasuring a top. Things I don't enjoy doing I would say no. Some sexual positions I love getting pound in, I would tell them. It is all about open communication. This is how they learn and like when comes to having sex with mature men.

Two 8 Inchers One Night

Dear Zach,

I was totally under the weather after I got dicked down deep by two 8 inchers back to back at one night 2 weeks ago. My asshole was wide opened and sore, and I couldn't sleep at all for the whole night after the sex. The next morning, I had a sore throat, and next thing I knew the whole package of flu viral infection was about to eat me up for the next few days. 

That night, I invited this young indian top, who is in his early 20s, over my place. He seemed to be very eager to fuck and, as soon as I said I was down for meet up after several dick pictures exchanged, he told me he had booked a Grab and was on this way. 20 minutes later, he was at the front of my porch, I sneaked him into my room quietly. He is obviously young, brown, and slim. While we were passionately making out, I slid my hand down into his pants and I was greeted with huge 8 inches cock. I was elated to suck on him so bad because the last time I had a 8 incher was ages ago. I sat on him with ease as I have completely hosed down inside out of my ass in preparing to get railed by it. I can tell he was relatively inexperience in sex. But his 8 inches length surely compensated his lack of skill in fornicate. Somehow I guided him a little to the way I wanted it. He then took charge and fucked me as he should. 

Once he was done, I already have one impending message for meet up 1 hour ago before the indian boy arrive. I replied to this Chinese twink, who is also in his early 20s, and told him that I got fucked and wasn't satisfied, and asked him to come over. He arrived 30 minutes later from work. He washed himself up in the toilet, and greeted me with making out. He moved back closer to my bed, sat on it, and whipped out a semi 6 inches. I kneeled down and started sucking it. He is a grower - as soon as my sloppy mouth sliding across his shaft, his dick grew into a solid 8 inches in seconds. I was amazed by the size of his cock against his skinny body. Most of the skinny guys have big dicks. I stand by this statement and it never ceased to fail. I was too eager to get fucked by another 8 incher, I was on all fours on my bed, getting ready for him to slide his meat into me. It was smooth and easy for him as my orifice was already stretched wide opened. Boy ... ... surely he can fuck. As soon as he was inside of me, he worked his way slamming his hip against my bouncy ass, he knew exactly the sweet spot of pulling his entire shaft and slamming back into me in a tight and rapid manner. He fucked me hard and fast, exactly what I needed. I could swear by that most skinny guys with big dick CAN really fuck. I have met up plenty of them, and my experience with them was nothing short of pure sexual satisfaction. My ass started leaking out juices as he continued sliding in and out in that pace. My orifice was sloppy as fuck and my legs were shaking. The session lasted about 30 minutes, as it was getting really late and I was tired, he still could go on. I indulged him for another 10 minutes, I told him to cum. As soon as he finished and left, it was already 12.30 am. I took a quick shower and flop on my bed to doze to sleep with sore ass. But to no avail.  

PreP or No PreP

Dear Zach,

I have been toying the idea of getting myself into taking PreP. Recently, the news pages were constantly posting about the HIV diagnosis amongst the university students contributes highest to the statistic in the country. Those individuals who aged between 18 and 25 are the riskiest age group in contracting HIV due to unprotected GAY sex - emphasizing the "gay" word, perpetually becoming the main culprit in contributing to the growing cases of infection. I am not surprised by the fact that most infected individuals are largely made up of Malays, as most of them have no knowledge about having safe sex and buying condom from a convenient shop is deemed as a sin. The news about it somehow fearmongering me into considering taking PreP.

Nowadays, HIV and STI testing outreach has been far more proactive in providing free testing than those time I was in college, where getting tested for HIV has to be done in private clinic for a fee.

Now, these outreaches are giving out free testing at several local hotspots and providing treatment for those infected at a lower cost or zero cost. I have been getting tested for HIV by ordering the testkit online from the legit NGO, and then it's sent to me 2 days later. All procedures are free of charge. Even getting PreP is free from the government clinic, but you would have to go through several stages of interview and testing before you can obtain it. Since PreP has been readily available in the market, the cost itself has become very affordable. Some of my tops got it for RM100 per bottle from private clinic. Today, I asked a clinic near my place, it costs RM75 per bottle. I was legit surprised by the affordability where it encourages those sexually active people to uptake PreP for safety precaution. I am actually proud that the government is taking initiative to promote PreP as preventative measure in combating HIV amongst the youngsters and provide free and easy access to get them. 

I am still contemplating about it since I only have frequent bareback sex with 2 tops whom they also take PreP diligently. RM75 is not that expensive, but do I really need it? Unless I intend to have bareback sex with every guy I come across with, then most likely I would uptake it as soon as I can. We'll see. 

Pass & Present

Dear Zach,

It is exactly one month after my mum passed. There is a day that I will miss her without going by. The house has been oddly quiet. Dad is back to his usual self and seems like enjoying his own company. These days I spend most of my time at the gym in the morning and afternoon at home. My aunt sent her regards to us asking how are we coping. I told her we are coping well. We have accepted the fact the loss of my mum way before she passed.

Last 2 weeks, I went to the photography shop to print out a stacks of photo to be put into several albums. I am not sure about the years they were taken, but I filtered them out by looking how young we were in that photos. I bought extra 2 albums which have 300 pockets each. Then I categorized them with a paper tape attached at the bind of the albums with "Beyond 2000","Beyond 2010", and "Beyond 2020". Three decades worth of memories are all lied inside of them in chronological order. I flip through each page seeing how we all had grown up and grown old, leaving smiles and memories behind in every single photos, telling us how precious our life is.

Sometimes I would go inside my parents room, holding my mum's picture on the top of her favorite drawer desk, and swept away some dust on her now empty bed, just to remind myself how unreal life could be as 2 months ago, she was still laying and breathing on this very bed. I get a pang of loss and a lump in my throat when I look around.

On the other note, I have been thinking of going back to study. I have been detached from the scene of education for 10 years. I am not sure going back to study would be a viable option. Partly because getting a job now is impossible for me as I have to take care of my 70 year-old dad who is having hearing loss. So, working 9-5 is out of the question. I thought of going back to art freelancing. But I realized it didn't work well to me last year, so I don't see the point venture back to it as to make myself profitable loss. Other freelancing gigs require working experience and one have to spend most of the time outside. I thought of returning to sex working gig, but I do not dare to risk myself getting reported and caught as there is so much news on the social media where there are quite a number of local sex workers being reported and arrested for soliciting sex. To get a sugar daddy seems impossible to me as I am an introvert and can't leave dad alone for long when they have sexual needs to be fulfilled all day.

Tell me, what should I do now?

 

Being Bald

Dear Zach,

I started to go bald in last November 2024. It was a fairly easy decision to make. I went bald not because I was in support of cancer awareness or whatsoever, it was because I am having vertex hair loss - also known as balding at the crown or male pattern baldness. It all started after I realized my hair starting to become worryingly thin in the end of 2023, I quickly bought Minoxidil and hair-growth shampoo to either prevent the hairloss advancement or regrow my hair.

Fast forward 1 year later, it did not help at all. Every time I went for a cut, when the barber showed the back of my head with the hand-held mirror, I died a little inside. And I was mildly embarrassed. Although the baldness was not as serious as I thought, if this keeps up, sooner or later, it will become worst. The last time I went for a barber cut, I told him to shave it all off. It took some time to getting used to. My late-mum made fun of my shinny bald head saying I could be Shaolin Monk. Ever since then, I have been shaving my head with simple razor shaver in every 2 or 3 days. In fact, some told me I look better in bald. I love my new look every day. I saved up the cost of going to barber, buying shampoo and medication. Now I only use one type body shampoo and wash myself from head to toe.

Just when I thought being bald would devalue myself in the scene of the gay sauna and Grindr, turned out the men are much more into bald man. Not sure if it's their fetish or genuine interest in me, it somehow gives me a newfound confidence that being bald is the new sexy as long as I accept the way I look. Not many men can pull off having a bald look. It takes courageous to shave all your hair off as hair styling significantly dictates your facial look. I am standing at 178cm tall and 83kg now, hence, being bald does pair up well with my body size. Some has asked me if I ever grow my hair back again. And I said "Never."    

Sex Tapes

Dear Zach,

There is this latest Mexican drama in Netflix that revolves around the topic about leaking sex tapes. It involves high profilic and influential individuals who were secretly recorded when having sex in orgy, and the recordings were used against them in exchange for business favors. It is a very typical mexican soup drama that always involves marital affairs between a rich lonely attractive woman and a very young handsome gigolo, and the gigolo would forget about himself as sex worker and fall in love with the married woman and all the dramas unfold from there. One thing I love about mexican drama is that there is no censorship in sex scenes. They show everything and the actors are insanely attractive. Well, all in all, the sex tapes leaked and caused an uproar amongst themselves.

To be honest, if a sex tape of an influential individual was leaked, it would leave an impact and every one would remember. If a sex tape of a normal person was leaked, no one would even bat an eyelid. 

Recording your own sex video has been a norm these days. Literally, every guy I come across with, even myself, would have their own recordings. Sometimes they would share on X with consent from their partners. Some they would share it secretly under their discreet account. When I used to have onlyfans, I always asked for consents before I posted - with face censored and edited to the best part of the views I deemed worthy. After I quit OF for years, sometimes in Grindr, some fans happened to come across my profile and drop me some messages, telling me how they enjoyed watching my sex tape back then and wished I could continue doing what I did best. Of course, I felt delighted at their compliments but I did not reply them just not to give them the impression that I AM the guy they used to look up with. These days, I would rather stay low profile and have casual sex with people who do not know who I used to be. Sometimes when the sex was amazing, I would ask to record a short clip of the action. They are more than willing to comply, but I never share them to anywhere but to keep to myself. But I believe some of my old sex videos are circulating in certain websites and telegram channel. I am unfazed by it because I am just nobody. I would rather not to make a huge fuss about it and thinking I have lost my dignity over some random sex videos. I have lost my dignity when I started OF, so it makes no difference now if there is any dignity left in me. 

Strictly Platonic?

Dear Zach,

I met Sham exactly 10 years ago when I was working as a trainer in one of the top leading fitness center in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. That time he was a client to one of my co-worker and we did exchange a few words. He is a local indian, tall, dark, but average skinny looking and few years older. I knew he was gay right away when he conversed with me, but I did not intend to hook up with him because he was not my type. He works as doctor in one of the busiest hospital in the center of KL. He told me he was pursuing specialist that time - very bright future ahead of him.

Fast forward few years later, we came across each other in Grindr and he confessed everything to me about his feelings and how he always wanted me and do all kind of dirty things to me. Of course, what hooked me up the most was his 7 inches long black dong when he sent me picture as proof. He was located back in Penang island. But he always come to KL for a short weekend trip in one of many expensive hotels for getaway. The first time we met up the sex was good. Every now and then, he would come to KL just to find an excuse for a short trip but, in actual fact, he intend to meet me. He often keep suggesting us how good we will be if we ever be in a relationship. How he would treat me right and give all the amazing sex and goods to me - emotionally and monetary wise. 

I thought he was joking at first, as the time went by, his suggestive comments about us became serious. There was one time he bought me a Samsung phone which cost over RM6000 and sent to me via courier service. He said he just wanted to help me as I was struggling with my own career at that time, so an upgraded phone would have been of help in any way. I was grateful for his act of kindness and expensive gift, somehow I felt compelled to return him favors in sex. Over the years, whenever he came visiting, I would meet him, and have sex just to return some favor of his kindness. Over time, he would again suggest us to be together. I firmly said no. "I am not looking to settle down." In fact, I don't see myself settling down with him. I see him as a good friend with platonic sex. He was disappointed but he knew from the start I never intended to settle down.

We still keep in touch over the years. He had a few relationships that lasted less than 6 months. From being exclusive to open relationship, somehow his luck with men to be in relationship always doom to fail. Sex was always part of us when we met. One time he was grieving for the loss of his grandma, we had sex multiple times over the course of 3 days he was in KL.

As the time went on, our sex have become a routine - at least for me. There was no passion anymore despite the fact that he still love it. Two years ago, I told him that I just didn't feel like to have sex with him anymore as I see him more of a good friend now. He got what I meant, sometime when we met strictly outside of the hotel, he would ask if I wanna go back to the hotel to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. I just told him either I was not into it or I've had to go. 

Recently, I have started to reach out to him since he has been really quiet, even before that he was awfully monotonous to every message I texted to him. He said that he just embraces the part of being introvert and alone, sometimes he feel like he is becoming less attractive, and cannot be a cup of tea for everyone all the time, even I don't prefer to have sex with him as I see him more of a friend, hence he needs to adapt changes in life and come to terms with it. The penny drops. He was implying about us. And I did not query further and just ended the conversation with just simple texts and "take care". Somehow, he asked about my mum and I told him about everything. He was surprised and kept the conversation going, and then he asked me out on the weekend since he would be in town for the weekend, I have got no reason to reject since we last met was 1 year ago.

After lunch we went back to his hotel, before we knew it, we were naked on bed, both us with hard-on, I lubed him up and enter inside of me raw. This was the first time we have bareback sex. All these years, we usually have sex with condom due to his nature of job which requires extra precautious when comes to having sex. Doctors will be barred indefinitely from practicing medicine if ones diagnosed with HIV. But when he started taking PreP and deoxypep diligently 1 year ago, he has been going full throttle in having bareback sex with everyone, even when he travelled to Bangkok recently, he said he's had sex 4 times a day over the course of 5 days staying there.

Our sex this time was enjoyable. Simply because it was very long time since we have sex. We just fucked, no kiss no foreplay. I felt like we were reminiscing for a good ol time. But this time there was no passion no more. I think he felt that too. I wonder if I was compelled to have sex with him again just to keep our friendship going or just to repay his expensive sushi lunch treat on that day itself. If sex was taken out of the equation, will this platonic friendship be ended as I speak?

   

My Enjoyable Time at KL Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Going to gay sauna on Thursday night has been my weekly routine for the past few months. Because Friday and Saturday night the crowd is crazy and , most of the time, you are likely to queue for the locker availability. I went on Saturday evening one time, arrived at the door 7.30pm, I was given a queuing number 55. I was confused and looked around me, all the guys were awaiting for the entry. In that case, there were 54 guys waiting ahead for me. I thought of leaving, but I took the train to reach here for 45 minutes. I ain't going back empty handed. So I waited 1 hour and 30 minutes instead to get in. The gay sauna is named as Otot-otot (otot2) and located at the center of KL. To travel there, just go by train and walk for 5 minutes. You won't be able to see the signage of the shop, but you would have to search for a bit of the entrance to the stairs as it is located on the 2nd floor of a secluded rundown shoplot. And it is the only entrance opened at night. I frequently saw some first timer wondering in front of the entrance, thinking they were lost, but when they saw me walked through the entrance up to the stairs, they followed me a few steps behind as it gave them an assurance that we are going the same place. 

Every Thursday evening, once I checked in at 7.30pm, I always dip myself into the hot pool to relax my aching body, since I work out 6 days a week, followed by 10 minutes intermittent sweating session in the dry sauna. Since it is Thursday, the crowd is significantly smaller than those at weekend. Most of the time, the dry sauna is empty and I can be fully nude, even when there is some guys around, and enjoy the heat engulfing me. There is a dark steam bath room, I did not like it there, because most guys had their action there. I like to have my own private time without someone disrupting my train of thoughts. And there are 2 dark halls mainly for your discreet pleasure; On weekend night, it would not be too discreet anymore. There would always be a group sex action in either one of the dark halls - the sounds of fapping, the soft moaning at every corner, the sloppy blowjob, cheeks slapping, and the cry of ultimate pleasure. In the dark hall, you can only see the silhouettes of men to men action. Sometimes when I roam around the hall, I would accidently step on remnants of leftover cum. Since then, I always bring my own slipper along.   

I always enjoy my time in the dry sauna. I was drenched in sweat and relief. Sometimes, there were some guys would come in to check out, and saw me naked sitting on the wooden bench, moved closer to me and caressed my sweaty thick thighs and slid their hand across to my dick, but I would politely move my thigh away as if telling them I am not interested. But those I am interested in, I would whisper into their ear "Later." They would give me a smile and walked away and seek for their next prey or maybe waiting for me later.

The sauna is, no doubt, a hub for regular comers. I always saw the regulars every time I go there. I did not make any sexual contact with any of them. Nor do I talk to them. We all just acknowledge each other's presence with our own intention to be there. It is a hub for sexual release, but it can also be a hub of safe space for queer to be around and surrounded. There is no specific type of men roaming around; there are plethora types of men roaming around confidently with towels around their hips, bulge protruding, and walking around the premise freely and respectfully. 

The sauna is mainly filled with local Malays, followed by Chinese, fraction of local Indians and foreigners from all around the globe. I've had my fair chance with plenty of good-looking guys and gym-fit muscular who are usually local. As for white foreigners, I only had fun with this 50 y.o french bottom who enjoy sucking every inch of me. They always think I was a top and grind their ass against my hard rod on their back while we were making out passionately in the toilet room. Some were surprised at my admission that I am a bottom because my physical trait do not justify like one. Since when a masculinity always be defined as top nowadays? I thought tops these days prefer masculine bottoms? Most of the time, we just made out, gave each other a great blow job, and both cum a river. By the time we were finished, it was already 10pm. I cleaned myself up and showered and left to catch the train back home. Some days when I got no luck or not in the mood to have fun, I would just leave before 10 pm.

The Pakistanis Dicks

Dear Zach,

I have an addiction. Nothing too serious but I am just addicted to certain type of dicks I couldn't get enough of - the Pakistanis dicks. 

It all started few years back, if i still remember, when I first started hooking up with some Pakistanis lads living and working around my place. My area of living is surrounded mostly by the large manufacturing and production factories. There is no doubt there would be plenty of foreign labor workers working and living somewhere nearby my place. Whenever I went out to buy some grocery at the local market store, it would be full of Bangladeshi, Pakistanis, and Myammarese buying raw cooking materials for their meal prep. And their body odors are the most distinguished ones as you can smell them from miles away - musky sweat smells.

My first sexual encounter with a Pakistanis was few years back where he worked in one of the junk shops just right across the street of my area of living. He chatted me up in Grindr, his English proficiency was very limited - so does every Pakistanis I met over the years. We conversed in a very simple words. He sent his dick pic and I was shocked and fairly impressed. Moment later, I met him at the junk shop, he was dirty, sweaty, and his face is covered with facial oil due to long hours of work. He hushed me into a corner of the shop where it was quite secluded while he can still keep an eye of the entrance if his boss walked in suddenly. He nudged me to kneel down, and he whipped it out with his solid 7 inches cut dick. It was so beautiful. I have never seen a big solid dick with minimal veins across its shaft yet it was bulging with passion. I sucked its passion off furiously - smooth and easy in my mouth. Ever since then, I was looking forward to meeting any Pakistanis I came across with.

Most of the Pakistanis men I met are downright straight-looking and masculine. They have a mixture of arab and europeon facial feature with beards, hairy chest, tall, dark, and some of them are really handsome. And, yes, most of them are well-endowed, since I am a size queen, I was never have to worry about it. In fact, they seem proud of their dick and would rather send me their dick pic instead of face pic in Grindr. Although they are packing with size, their performance in bed is rather disappointing. 8 out of 10 of them I met, they cum rather quickly. Once they are done, they couldn't wait to want you to leave the premises. Which is understandable because they mostly live in a group with other fellows. They only invite me over when their peers were out. 

It is my one of my fetish - love getting down and dirty with these low-class labor workers, getting railed hard by their exuding male pheromones and masculinity. Their body odor drive me crazy. The best part is that these Pakistanis men would also call some of their peers over to fuck me one by one. They are not ashamed of what they do unlike the Malays here. In fact, there was one Pakistanis man I met for several times (before he went MIA last year), that he was amazing in bed and fucked me so good, invited me over to his house where most of his peers (over 6 of them) were around in the house, they looked at me like I was a feast. He walked behind me to his stuffy room nonchalantly and gave them a wicked wink as if telling them he hit jack pot. We fucked so loud I believed his peers sitting in the living room could hear everything we did. After he was done, I was getting ready to clean up, here comes another peer of his walked through the door, looking at me hungrily, they spoke in Urdu language, later, the top walked out and told me that his peer wants to fuck and left us alone in the room, I was more than happy to do it. That night, my ass was ravished by at least 3 Pakistanis dicks back to back. I was such a dirty slut I love it.

When comes to protection, they are more than willing to oblige to wearing condom. Some of them refuse, but they gave in eventually. They don't do foreplay - kissing, sucking, etc. They always eager to get down to anal business despite they are more than happy when I give them a sloppy blowjob all over their 7 inches shaft. 

Language barrier was never an issue when comes to sex. They needed it as much as we do. We spoke simple English like "meet?", "where?", "sex", and these are the universal code can be easily understood when men intend to fornicate. Some of them are rude. Some of them are nice. But those rude ones usually fuck me the hardest and manliest and horniest. I did converse with some of them and they are able to speak Malay. They said they would prefer fucking a man than woman because man are proactive in giving sexual pleasure, despite all of them claimed to be "bisexual".

Whenever I met some new Pakistanis man, I always greeted by 2 or 3 of them upon arrival. Again, instead of a group sex, they would rather enjoy the private moment with me one by one - after one has done, leave, and the next one come in. These gang-up sex scenarios happened very frequently as most of them share a room in a low cost apartment unit, hence they share "me" amongst them for their sexual pleasure need. Very often, they would forward my number to their other peers, then I would very often get some random text asking for meetup - Some I met at his workplace at night where he worked a security guard, we fucked in his security hut facing the silent main road. Some we met in my car and fucked inside my car - it was uncomfortable. Only recently, I started to bring a Pakistanis man back to my home at night as I deemed him trustworthy enough.

But few months ago, I started to block most of them in contact. They tend to become more and more persistent in meeting up in every week. When text was not replied, they would kept calling my phone.  I told myself I should stop meeting them as they are quite dangerous people. But part of me incline to putting myself at risk for sex. Last week, I unblocked most of them. Turned out, one of them, which is my favorite and the handsome one texted me last night after blocking him for 2 months. My body yearn for him so much. Last night, I had an amazing made out session with this super handsome lad in gay sauna, turned out he is a Pakistanis, born and bred in Hong Kong. What a coincidence, really. This must be a tell-tale sign. So I made a mistake texting him back this afternoon. Before I knew it, I was at his place, getting dick-deep by him, moaning in silent while his peer was sleeping on the concrete floor outside. Once we finished, we didn't speak much. He just said "meet again ok". I nodded and left in hurry with his musky, sweaty, body odor all over me when we were naked body to body.

It turns me on so much to think when these low-class foreign labor workers having superior sexual control over my body and I, in return, giving them a sexual satisfaction they needed the most during their hardest days at work.  

Off Grid

Dear Zach,

I have not been active on Instagram for weeks now. I believe that IG has gotten me engrossed to my phone for much longer hour than I expected I needed it to stop. I have 3 separate accounts: one is personal fitness progress pic since 2018 ; one is for my art page but now all the posts have been completely wiped off ; last one is my crochet crafting page I created during 2020 pandemic lockdown, and it has not been active since 2023. I have deleted X and Bluesky. The only social medium I am active on is Facebook. But my FB has zero friends except my brother. I kept all my social media private. I never liked the idea of sharing my whole life on social media for attention and validation. Things can go easily viral these days for whatever reason and, very sadly, you would be shamed and blacklashed for their own justification. I only use FB for current news and trend I can keep up with.

I have been asked for my IG handle but I politely told them I do not have one - they frowned at me, they must be thinking what kind of 30 year old millennium do not have a IG handle, he must be weird. To me, it is a good thing to stay off social media grid. It is exhausting and time-wasting. I just do not understand what kind of person likes to tell the world about the food he eats in a day in which nobody would care. And, also, why does every influencer has to be semi-naked in every other post? Since when has IG become so sexual? 

I wonder how many social media handles you all have and do you all share your entire life on it ? 

Oddly Quiet

Dear Zach,

My house is peacefully quiet now. With only me and my dad in the house, we slowly adapt to living our life just the two of us. I can tell that my dad is relief. But I know he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he would say that "it is awfully quiet now..." as compared to few weeks ago when my late mum was in bed, the vibrating sound of the oxygen tank in the room rattling across the living room. Now, the tranquility in our home has settled us into new sense of unease. It is not a bad thing, but it is hard to accept that we will have to come to the terms that this uneasiness will always and be forever around. Sometimes I would walk into mum's room, holding one of the photo frames, looking at her smiling through the picture, telling her about my day with a lump in throat and teary eyes.

My phone's notification is awfully silent now. Before my late mum died, I received messages every other day asking about my mum's condition and whatnot. Now that she passed, all the messages have stopped. I am glad because I am tired of it. 

During my late mum's wake, I did post a whatsapp story about my mum obituary. I would at least expect my regular fuck buddy would send me a condolence as I did to his late grandma few months back. I also did not receive any condolence messages from a close friend of mine. Or anyone if that matters. I was disappointed, especially at my long term regular fuck buddy. Funny how vulnerable moments like this truly shows who the true friends are. I realized I have no one at all. To them, I was just a bottom who is great in sex. Probably I should have sent them a message. But I am a very passive guy - making a move telling my mum's passing to my gay hook ups is the last thing I would want to do. I did try to engage my regular fuck buddy again for sex meet up few days ago. We were not able to meet up for the past 3 months - it was either he busy, or accident came up when we planned for the day, or I wasn't free for that moment. I asked "wanna have sex today?", he said "nope". That was my last straw. I am done asking and begging. I have made efforts so many times and everytime he seemed to be lack of interest. Same goes to my one close friend, whenever I tried to strike up a text conversation, he seems monotonous to my reply. Just because I have no interest having sex with you again so I deserved to get treated like this? I was upset at myself when I thought I was becoming close to them turned out I was dead wrong and they used me only for sex. I removed their contacts from my phone book and hide their chat history into archives. I deserve better.

I scrolled past my whatsapp contacts, I realized I have no friend at all. But mostly are just acquaintances. Time like this I got no one else to talk to but to write on my blog instead.   

Dear Mum, ... ...

Dear Mum,

Your wake and funeral were proceeded smoothly as expected over the last weekend. There were many family and friends attended your wake, and, most importantly, the important family members sending you off on your funeral.

You were surrounded by your beloved husband and sons when you were on your last breath on your bed. We were thankful for the caregiver who responded quickly to you and to us before your departure, so that we can give you a proper goodbye. 

Witnessing the moment when you stopped breathing has shattered my heart. It was unreal and indescribable. It has instilled into my core memory and It was the moment I'll never be able to forget.  I never thought moment like this that happened in most tv drama would finally happened on me. When the hearse dropped by at night to bring you out of the bed to the funeral parlor, I could not imagine how life is gonna be without your presence at home. You are now finally out of misery and in search of freedom in next life. I caressed your face before they brought you to the back of the hearse.

Everything went smoothly from A to Z. With such hefty price to pay, the service for your funeral was top tier. There were a lot of tears - mostly came from me. Everytime I looked at your beautiful face at your coffin, it reminded me how fortunate of me to be able to take care of you going through the hardship of your last phase of life - how you relied on me, trusting me on every decision I made to lessen your pain so that you can walked through your remaining days with ease and comfort. The last words you told me before you fell into unconsciousness was "Why are you still here? I thought you were out?" .. funny how you thought of me who likes to go out.

We scattered your ashes to the sea on the next day after the cremation. This was what you wished for - traveling around the world. We were driven out from the jetty and 5 minutes to the bed of the sea, with a bit of chanting and prayers, then we grabbed your ashes and flowers and scattered all over the seabed. But the wind was strong and not in our favor, it was all over our face with your remnants. But thankfully, the wind died down quickly and got it down as soon as possible. We dropped your urn into the sea, accompanied with the heavy waves motion, you were happily moving away from us as I gave you my last waving goodbye before seeing you disappearing into the ocean.       

Dad's Tears

Dear Zach,

The first time I saw my dad having tear-jerking moment was 15 years ago when he had a low-back surgery. The surgery was a success but it costed our family a whole emotional ride. The surgery had changed my dad emotionally - he sometimes would cry out of the blue. We were shocked because this was the very first time seeing him cried. In those weeks, I always heard argument broke out between my mum and dad. Then my dad would start crying. Sobbing like a kid. Some days, he would just walked around the house, my mum would tell him to stop walking around the house, then my dad would start crying saying he was just worried. As time passed, he consulted a psy doctor and was diagnosed with post-surgery depression - treated with medication and weeks later he slowly regained his composure back to him old self.

The second time was 2 days ago. My dad held my mum's arm, comforting her as she was beginning to become unconscious, laying on bed, he broke down in tears caressing her face and forehead, telling her "we will be alright." My mum could no longer speak and swallow; Her eyes were lifeless even though they were open; Her breath was heavy and hard as her lungs were failing. Her condition has deteriorated in the last 2 days.

I tried talking to her about my day, gossips, and my failed attempts in making soup. The more I talked to her, the more I realized I will miss conversing with her after she gone. I will miss her; I miss everything about her. I could not help it but to break down in tears in between, telling her I will take care of dad and her beloved ferns in which she has grown them for over 30 years. Seeing her being unresponsive made me sobbed even harder.        

Sex Marathon

Dear Zach,

On Monday, I invited this Chinese top over to my place at night. We have met once a month ago. He has been texting me for meetup but I have been fielding his text like an CIA. Partly because he wasn't that good in bed. But he was good-looking and has this semi-muscular build and solid chest. But his flabby tummy gave him away as an overweight fat guy. We had a nice after-sex talk on my bed. I thought of him as a decent bloke and can be a great fit for those desperate bottoms who want a boyfriend. But not for me. This time I asked him over again. He arrived earlier than usual. I told him to wait outside for a few minutes as I was still douching and the water still hasn't cleared out. Took me a whole 20 minutes to clean my inside out. When we were in our room, he seemed to cannot wait to slide into me. Minute of foreplay, I was ended up in a missionary position, waiting for him to get inside of me. He slip his condom on and into me. "Oh god, it was so good. You are so tight." Before we knew it, he cum. Too soon. It lasted less than a minute? Then he flop on me and turn to the side. "Sorry, I was too horny and excited." He seemed apologetic for the ultra brief minute. "nah .. its fine.."I said. In fact, I wasn't fine. I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom cleaning my inside out and what I got in return was a minute sex. I wasn't offended. But just disappointed. The math was not mathing up. We chatted a while on my bed. His face was facing on my side, finger circling around my chest and nipple. It was 11.15pm. I told him to go as I was tired and ready to hit the sack."

On Tuesday, I was so horny as usual. Ever since I have started to bulk my physique, I am extremely horny and wanting sex all the time. I jerked off in the shower every night before I sleep. That night, I chatted up with this Chinese twink with his 6 inches dick in Grindr. He gave me a swift response and agreed to come later at night. That night, he fucked me senseless. Every twink with big dick I met they can fuck. Real good. The session wasn't long thankfully. But it was good. 

On Thursday, right after I came back home from my weekly gay sauna session, it was already 11pm, but I was horny as hell. I tried my luck inviting Munchy again in Grindr because I missed his magic mouth on my ass. He replied 30 minutes later. I was reluctant as I was getting ready to bed. But I want to get railed hard. He came over 15 minutes later. We made out so hard and he licked all over my body and ate my ass like a snack. He slid into me real quick. From sensual to rough to sensual, although his dick was just mere 6 inches, but I can feel his everything inside of me. As it was getting late, we both were tired, we finished up in the shower room, and cleaned up and he left. 

I was planning to meet up with this new regular Indian top on Friday. But since he hasn't texted me that night. I decided to call it a night.

Body Count: 1691

Dear Zach,

Years ago, I kept track my body count in Google spreadsheet of the time, place, and dick size, overall experience, anal/oral, and number of times we met. I kept track for a year and I realized I was such a slut. Basically, in that particular year, I had sex with over 30 different guys (could be more, but I humbled it down) But as the year went by, my body count got lesser and lesser. Probably because I was comfortable with a few sexual partners whenever I was in need and tired of getting to know a new guy's liking and fetish.

Few days ago, a news erupted over the internet about this middle-aged China man who allegedly cross-dressing (imagine an old man with makeup and long wig) to meet over 1691 for sex and secretly film the entire sexual encounters and share it online as subscription. I am gob smacked and hands down by the number. I am still an amateur! 

Some of its videos have been circulating online with uncensored identities. The worst part is that some of the victims' family and friends recognized them in the video. The best part is ... ... some of his male encounters are super hot looking. Why is this so unfair? Like, what is the best part of this crossdresser having such appeal to attract these smoking hot guys to have sex with him? I worked so hard on sculpting my body in the gym to have hot sex with hot guys turned out most of my tops are just average in shape. I guess China men are made different and have such unique taste in men. Who can blame them when life in China is extremely stressful enough for the local?

Sometimes when I have sex with my tops, I would ask permission to film our sex as long as there is no face being shown. But this only happened when the sex was amazing and we decided to film it as souvenir. Not very often I would do this now.

What is your body count? Do you have body count over 1000? 

You can read the news here  .

Uncertainty

Dear Zach,

9 years later, this post I wrote still hit me hard to my core.

I have survived through the pandemic, the recession, the downs, and the lows. After all these years, I still can't believe I am still alive and well writing this.

I am still lost. Even worst, I have no job, no prospect, no passion. With my mum's nearing to death, I have come to terms that she will never be able to see my success in future. 

I used to love reading, in which it led me to think that I would be a writer someday. Recently, after learning that being a self-published author in Malaysia is like throwing your money into the empty pit, the dream of being a writer has been casted further away.

I have tried being acrylic artist for a year. It started out well. With exhibitions and art fairs that I have participated, I made no money from all of that. In fact, I was at financial loss in every fairs and exhibitions I attended. But I was fortunate enough to get invited to be part of group exhibitions. It lasted until the beginning of this year when my mum's cancer becoming serious, I decided to give it all up and shift my focus on her since it is not working for me and I don't see myself in working this line of career. 

What is your dream? To be fair, you only can dream when you have achieved financial freedom. Because all the dreams we have certainly involves money.

Just like what will be my plan after my mum died? 

Munching

Dear Zach,

Last night, I asked this Malay massuer in Grindr to come over to my place at night for a massage. It was kind of a last minute request for him as the clock was closing to 10pm. I was in the middle of cleaning out some boxes in the kitchen and got his massage saying he was available. So I invited him over.

For the past months, I have been diligently going to gay sauna strictly for use of sauna and jacuzzi. Anything more than it supposed to be happened in the gay sauna depended on my mood whether I was into the guy or horny. I have been working out in the gym a lot -- 6 days a week of heaving training. And I am in my caloric surplus to gain new weight goal - 90kg. I am at 80kg now. So going to sauna was to help for recuperation from the intense workout I did in the gym.

This month I decided to forgo the idea of going to sauna and have a weekly massage session instead.

The massuer came at 10.30pm sharp. I did not ask for his picture in grindr because I just wanted a massage. He looks average, tan skinned, slightly shorter than me, stocky built and a wide lips. It didnt bother me because I ONLY wanted a massage. I stripped naked and laid on the bed on my stomach. He started massaging me in strong pressure on my legs. From my calves to my butt. It felt good. As 10 minutes into the massage, I realized that he has been accentuated the massage on my butt. His slippery hands with oil slid across my ass crack thinking I wouldn't notice what he was doing. He was certainly doing what I thought he was doing. He spread my butt cheeks apart several time in the motion of massage. I did not notice how long he has been circling around my ass, no long after, I felt a warm tongue on my orifice. I let out a soft moan. He pulled away and continued to slide his fingers across my slit. And, again, stuff his face into my ass.

"I love your ass. It is so perfect." He said.

"Thanks, I work out very hard on it."

This time I was on my knee slightly shoulder-width apart, nudging him an invitation to eat my ass again. He gladly complied and munched on my ass. His wide lips was meant to munch food and one of it was my ass. I could not remember when was the last time I got my ass eaten. But it wasn't as good as he did. His sloppy and wet mouth munching on my orifice as if it was his supper. I can't help but to let out my moans as much as I wanted to suppress it.

"You like that? Emmmmmmm..." He said, in between his breath. "Oh god, your ass is amazing." He jiggled it. 

I knew the massage wasn't going to continue, so I decided to turn over and get the deed done.

Before we knew it, he was fully naked with a 5 inches hard-on. He slide into me with ease with the mixture of his sloppy saliva and silicone lubricant. He fucked me hard in doggy style. The whole fucking lasted for at least 10 minutes. He cum on chest in the end.

He cleaned up and left after I paid him.

I was disappointed the massage did not go well for me. But at least I got my ass ate for good.

 

     

I Worked as Sex Worker and Onlyfans Amateur Gay Porn Star, and I Do Not Regret It.

Dear Zach,

It all started when I started to work as freelancer in 2018. It was hard -- trying to find odd jobs everywhere to pay off my bills and car loan. So I started to provide massage service by advertising online. Back in the days, the only website ,where you could search for local gay activity such gay massage parlor, gay sauna, and other exciting sexecapades, was a gay forum managed by a Singaporean company known as blowingwind. I advertised there. Slowly, I got requests every other day for massage service. When it comes to massage services for gay men, it never will be only massage. The massage is like a 1 hour foreplay, the main course is the sex. After the few attempts to reject myself from subjecting to sex, I realized if I don't do it, I will be doomed. So, I kept myself open-minded and have sex for pay.

I was picking up momentum in my services. I got clients from the locals and overseas, I ran from one fancy hotel to another in downtown, sucking dicks of different ethnicities and sizes and shapes, and got penetrated almost every other day by mostly unattractive, middle-aged, married, fat guys. I always play safe with condoms - which most of the customers do. Since I am a pure bottom, getting fucked was an relatively easy task. I was good in pretending feeling good. To be able to fake moaning, it was a skill. It was to tell the customers they are doing right and giving them the right to feel good. But some of them they fucked me real good I actually enjoyed it. Not sure what was it with these married man, they are extremely horny.

Towards the end of 2018, that time I was becoming active in twitter, and my services was slow down so I have to think of way to make money. Therefore, I took a leap faith and tried to upload a sex video of myself in twitter. The next day, my video was exploded with thousand of likes and hundreds of retweets. I was shocked that it got popular. I was happy and worried at the same time. My followers shot up from hundreds to 2k in just 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. The next few days, I uploaded another clip of me sucking a dick. It got popular as well. And I received plenty of messages about where they can watch my contents. As my followers was climbing exponentially high, I decided to open an onlyfans creator account to monetize my contents. It was a risky move. At that time, onlyfans was relatively fresh and unknown in my country. So it wasn't illegal so to speak.

Just like any other online content creator, you need to consistently upload fresh new content to engage your audience. So I made with video content with some fellow followers who were into it, and some customers of mine were okay getting recorded in sex but no face being shown. It was all amateur, nothing professional, nothing fancy. Just men 2 men enjoying sex. Each month, I dropped at least 2 new video contents in my OF page. As I saw the money coming in, I knew I was doing the right thing at the moment. My twitter page at that time had a whooping 20k followers and still climbing. I almost thought I was a gay porn star for real. Every day, I got messages for massage services and sex video collab, in which I was more than willing to comply to get my OF page going. Massage services and onlyfans were my 2 major sources of income in 2019. 

With the money I garnered every month, I managed to save a large chuck of money in my saving account. I managed to paid off my car loan once and for all. Technically, I was debt-free and financially independent.

As 2020 loomed in, with Covid and lockdown, all things went to hell. But not for me. I managed to survive lockdowns for 2 years with the saving I had. And every month I was still able to cash in from my OF account, still able to upload contents I made from a year before as I have made so much video contents with too many guys. To be honest, I am not a big spender. With the money I have then, I could have bought something fancy. But I did not. I save for emergency use and years to come. I live a very mundane life just like regular people even though I was a self-proclaimed porn star.

One day, I received an email from OF saying my videos have violated their rules and regulations, telling me to remove them or to obtain consent right from the party who involved in my videos. As OF was gaining their reputation, their rules and regulations have also been constantly updated to protect themselves against lawsuit. Some of my videos were hidden. I was not able to upload my content anymore since they have set such regulation for all the creators especially the home-made videos. As the years went by, I let my OF page died slowly. Even my twitter page was not updated frequently as before. I got concerned messages from fans asking if I was alright. In the end of 2022, I decided to close my twitter account. But I did not close my OF account. But I believe it has been deactivated by now.

Thankfully, I moved out from the local gay porn scene before it got overhyped by the local gays who did the same thing as me. It was dangerous as OF was getting its recognition on the news media in the recent years, and some of them have taken the advantage of do porn and upload online for monetization. However, it was all too late by then. As it becoming more exposed, the authorities have taken action against some Malay porn-star wannabes for uploading explicit content online. Some was arrested and charged. I was fortunate enough to jump out of the wagon because I knew it wasn't legal.

So that's what happened over the past 6 years going MIA. And I do not regret doing them. I believed God must have his reason to lead me to this path of life. Whatever it is, I am grateful that it happened.

I am writing this down so that I will never forget.  

Crave for Touch

Dear Zach,

These night I invited some tops over to my place to have sex after my parents asleep. My dad usually pop some sleeping pills before he sleeps, when he sleeps, he sleeps dead. My mum is obviously bed-ridden. So I wouldn't worry much about getting caught.

Rather than asking the tops to come through backdoor of my house at the back alley and straight to my room which they usually do beforehand, now I ask them to just come through the front door to avoid suspicion. Although I can finally host at night for sex, not many of them would want to come at late 10.30 pm on the weekdays just for a shag. Somehow there were a few willing to come as long as there is a bed, air-conditioner, and privacy for them to fuck. My bed time was 11pm. But when there is a sex ensued on that night, I would sleep at 12am. When I said you come at 1030pm, you come at 10.30pm sharp. Don't be late. Sex is important, but my sleep is way more importanter.

After a good ol' 20 minutes of good shag, I usually ask them if they wanna cuddle for a while. Most of them comply. Not sure why these days I was being nice and clingy to the tops. I tend to ask for cuddling after sex which I usually don't do. Sometimes during cuddling, I would sneak some pecks on their cheeks as if we were a couple, showing some affection after sex. Then, we would talk a bit of ourselves. But as it is getting late and they have to wake up early for work next morning, the after-sex cuddling last around 5 minutes the most. I am understanding because i also need my sleep. But it feels good to be embraced in someone's arm, sniffing their chest, sneaking pecks, and laying my head on their chest listening their pounding heartbeat. If this was me few years ago, I would have asked the tops to leave as soon as they were done. Is it true that when you grew older, you crave for more personal connection?

Spring Cleaning

Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, I have been doing spring-cleaning of the things in the cabinets where my mum stores most of the unwanted tupperwares and empty containers. Little did I know that collecting empty and unused containers was my mum hobby. She always collect and store it for just-in-case - Just in case we need to store the biscuits ; Just in case there is leftover lunch ; Just in case we may need it in the future. Somehow, the chances of it happening was close to none. In the end, she ended up buying more empty containers without realizing there were plenty of it at home in the cabinets left untouched for years.

I have cleared bit by bit. All of them stored in the carton boxes. There were also plentiful of cutleries, plates, mugs, and so many kitchen wares stored in the cabinet, unused. In the process of clearing up, I was also in the process of getting to know how my mum stored things. Each carton box was a mystery to me, as if awaiting for me to unveil what is inside of the box. There were plates - flowery and intricate designs. I did not throw them away, because my mum loves beautiful items. Also, I did not have the heart to throw away such pieces, but some of them was covered with mold and seemingly worn out on its own.

The more I cleared, the more I got to know my mum -- each step I clear is a trace of my mum how she stored, how she felt for each piece of plate and saucer she stored could never see the light of the day til she die. Somehow, clearing unwanted things is the way to move on and let other important things to have their rightful place to be stored, kept, and treasured. My dad has no comment seeing how I climbed up and down the ladder to make space for the cabinet by carrying the large boxes up and down. There was a tad bit of sadness flashed across his face, somehow he knew deep down inside, most of the stuffs were just unused and a waste of space. 

I Don't Know

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, my home has been a busy hub hosting for friends and relatives to visit my mum who is bed-ridden now. Most of the relatives were coming outstation purposely to visit her for one last time. Although my mum could not recognize some of them, she still managed to open her eyes, staring at them, as if she recognize them, but barely able to speak. When she speaks, she speaks too softly, out of breath. She can barely move now due to pain. Pain is her best companion now til death do her apart. My dad has hired a day-carer to bath and change and feed for her. My dad had had enough of everything as if wishing my mum to leave the world as soon as she could, rather than seeing her suffering day by day, dying internally. Although the cost of hiring a carer was expensive, it was a price my dad willing to foot and wanting my mum to rest in comfort and peace. 

My aunt came to my room yesterday and asked.

"What is your plan after your mum died?"

It is a question, no doubt, I have been asking myself since years then and til now. What is my plan? 

To be truthful, I do not know, I said. 

I am in my 30s. No job prospect. Had a very interesting work background for a year in 2019. Learnt a bit and pieces of everything - I am jack of all trades, master of none.

I used to be passionate about something. Tried pursuing it. Somehow of being passionate about something does not guarantee you a financial security. Then, my passion died. Never thought of it again. 

As much as I wanted to tell my aunt about my plan. I couldn't. Usually, I would have came up with something. This time, I told her, "I really don't know."

Changing Who I am

 Dear Zach,

Over the weekend, my brother flew in with his family to visit our mum while she was still hospitalized til today. Although she was allowed to be discharged on Saturday, unfortunately, the requirement to discharge her was that we need to obtain oxygen support aid for her or else she will be back VERY soon to the wad. We were frantically asking around and making calls for the aids support. However, nothing comes cheap. I have talked to a few supplier, they quoted me a bomb. Sadly, the hospice care ,whom they frequently come and check on my mum, was off over the weekend. So the best scenario for that moment, I persuaded my mum to stay at hospital til Monday. She was upset but it was the best thing to do.

My nephew and niece were a nightmare in the house - running and screaming over toys. My sis-in-law was screaming down at them all the time. It is a great reminder to me that I am glad to be gay for now and forever - I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and hole, despise kids with passion. I am not great with kids. Kids don't like me. I don't care because I don't like them either - never will be. They were cute when they were babies; but when they grew up they are anything but cute. They reinforce my intention of never wanting to have kid all the more if I ever got married. I can't deal with them. I just can't. 

I sat down with my brother to have some serious talk about mum and dad and, also, me. Somehow he was told about the quarrel between me and my dad. I was told that I have a strong attitude since growing up, the world does not revolve around me, it's either I change to suit the society or the society detest you. I admit that I am an emotional guy with strong sense of attitude. I speak about the truth; I never liked to sugarcoat because it is pointless and fake. I am quiet on my own, but when I speak I speak lethal. That's why people who know me, they confide in me because i spoke about the truth. Many dislike me; some would respect me. This is who I am. But to change myself to fit in so that I can be likeable, I have tried that when I was employed. I was likeable, but it shattered me because I was trying to fit in rather than trying hard to do my job. I listened to my brother admonishment attentively, I did not resort to any self-defensive argument. I just listened to him. He's my only brother after all. He took over the process of preparing our mum's funeral - which was a relief for me and my dad. 

 

Bad Sex ; Great Sex ; Awaited Sex

Dear Zach,

I was in the mood to get railed so hard these days simply because of everything happening with me - my mum, the cancer, the stress, the hopeless future, my fitness bulking process, constant working out in the gym, the canker sore inside my gum killing me, and etc.

I was supposed to meet this new regular, whom I have met twice and the sex was amazing and he is an indian, few nights ago, but he did not reply my message until I have found another top whom I met in the gay sauna twice and we had light fun there and he is a Malay which I strictly don't prefer. Well, I met this Malay top in the sauna before I swore off meeting up with malay man, so technically speaking, I am not going against my integrity. Sound silly I know lol. Probably you may think this is unjustifiable. Anyway, he was on the way back home and he messaged me on whatsapp,

"did you just block me on grindr?" he wrote.

"huh? no." I replied.

"cause your profile pic was blank."

"probably I just changed to a new pic. thats why."

"ok. wanna meet up?"

I was horny and awaiting for my new regular top to reply but to no avail. So I invited him over since we both had some fun in the sauna and it was great. Somehow, the sex was underwhelming as fuck. It was just that the chemistry was off and he was trying so hard to pretend a Dominant but kinda failed. I felt like we were not as enthusiastic as we were before in the sauna. Also, there were some icks of him have made me turn off. I sent him off at the door when we finished and he texted me "thank you.". I wished him safe drive and good night and delete his conversation off my chat list. 

The next night, I invited the new regular top. We had a great time. He fucked me 3 times, and made out at the front door before he left.

I woke up the next morning thoroughly fucked. 

Thought of getting another indian top tonight whom I chated with 2 days ago as we both were interested to meet for sex. But alas, he has to work night shift, so we might meet tomorrow or the night after tomorrow.