How To Heal Anal Fissure You Get From Anal Sex

Dear Zach,

One of my biggest peeves being a pure bottom is having anal fissure. I've had them for a number of times throughout my adult years and, trust me, it is not a good feeling. I just had it last week. 

Anal fissure is, in the simplest terms, a tiny wound around the smooth muscle tissue around the orifice. Although it is tiny to be noticed, it is hurtful enough to know its existence.

You can get it resulted of passing of hard-stools or rough sex or sex without lubrication. For me, I always got it from having sex. And the tiny split always occurred relatively near to bottom end of the external anal sphincter. (as you can see the picture below, a tiny red wound close to the sphincter). Sometimes I also got it from folliculitis - an inflamed hair follicle near my anus, because I always shave my ass to make it smooth for rimming. 

I have tried many ways of healing it. And these are the best ways recommended medically by doctors:

1. Sit bath

Prepare a basin large enough to fit your ass into it. If you have a bathtub, that would be good. I use a plastic basin and place it on the floor. I fill the basin with ONLY warm water. Then, I sit in it for 5 minutes. The purpose of doing this is to promote blood flow to the injured area for healing. I do this twice a day after shower.

2. Apply antiseptic/antibiotic ointment

For me, I apply antibiotic ointment on the affected area twice a day after sit bath. I usually squat down so that I can easily pinpoint the wound and apply on it with the ointment. You can purchase it from drugstore or pharmacy. I use Pfizer Terramycin Ointment - it can also be used for eyes infection.

3. Avoid having sex for the moment til it completely heal.

Usually when the cut is minor, it would heal within 2 to 3 days. Avoid having sex at all cost because anal penetration could very likely aggravate the affected area.

The only way to know if it is completely heal is when there is no pain ensued when you wash your ass with water. 

In the nutshell, anal fissure is pretty common for bottoms to have it. Most of the time it does not require surgical intervention. Just treat it with care and then you will be good to get fucked in no time. 

FYI, those 2 pics are my real ass ;)

High School Shenanigans - Sex and Killing

Dear Zach,

The number of killing crime has been shockingly happening quite frequently in my country for the past months. Just 2 months ago, there was this teenage son who killed his mother, who happened to be a teacher and widow, and younger brother. The magnitude of the news has become the headlines of my fb news feed everyday. News have it that the son was under immense academic pressure and constant nagging by his mother who wanted the best for him. He couldn't take it no more and ended up killing the mother in her sleep. His younger brother tried and stopped him but it was too late and ended up got killed instead. It was such a heartbreaking news.

Besides, every week there were cases about high school students being sexually abused. The most recent one was about a female student being raped by 4 high schoolers in the classroom, and the whole scene was recorded and dissipated through social media. Then, in another state of the country, there was a case about consented group sex between the high schoolers happening in the classroom. What in the world has become?

Just few days ago, a new killing case happened in the school between a 14-year-old male and 16-year-old female student, in which the 14 y.o kid stabbed 200 times at the chest of the female student in the toilet because she rejected his love confession. He killed out of rage. He then calmly walked around the school compound with the bloody knife in his hand. He was apprehended shortly after.

It is crazy how the high school ground has become such a major crime scenes. I strongly believe social media is the one to blame. Teenagers having early sex is pretty normal. What not normal is having group sex in the classroom and recording the whole sex scene and post it online. That's sick. I can hardly find any group sex for myself due to frequent raiding in the hotels.   

My Last Time Going to Otot2

Dear Zach,

Just when I thought I could get laid in the infamous Otot2 sauna, things couldn't have gotten any bad than it could. Probably I went on one of the weekdays, hence the disappointment rendered me to draw my final straw of going to this place.

I arrived at the place at 7.30 pm. Paid my entry and undress in the locker room and went to shower. The crowd was significantly lesser than it normally would. I walked around, enjoyed the immense heat in dry and wet sauna, and dipped myself in the hot spring for recovery. Around 8.30pm, I tried looking around for men. To my disappointment, most of the men were either out of shape, old, fat, and way too skinny to my liking. There were 2 good-looking chinese guys so far hanging around - I can tell they do workout a lot. And they were such a huge catch amongst the men. I felt like one of them was into me. I couldn't tell. Because I was certainly not into them.

There were so many malays around as usual. And I have zero interest in any of them nor they in me. Ever since I have been bulking up, my sexual appeal has been declining. I've got lesser touches from men in sauna. I am not complaining because this is the choice I made when I decided to gain size for my body. I guess gay men would still very much prefer men in their lean and toned physique.

It was close to 9.30pm. I've got no action with any man. There was no single brown man in sight. I've seen more attractive men in Chakran than in here. I was so disappointed. Somehow, there were a few guys blew me. And most of these guys are bottoms. So many bottoms but where is the tops? Probably there would be more attractive men in sight if I come on the weekend. But since the place was infested with mostly malay and bottoms, this would be my last time being here. To be honest, I never had a good time here ever.      

Untitle

Dear Zach,

For the last few weeks, apart from going to gay saunas, I also have been dropping visit to a few bookstores in town just to check them out. Despite the fact that you can easily view the variety selection of books on the internet, something about visiting bookstore is and has always been an anticipation for me - especially browsing the newest releases placing right in front of the entrance with "New Arrival" tag upon entering.

I tried picking up reading for the past 2 months. Apart from reading books from my favorite author, I did try to read some others authors' work. But I didn't like it. I tried to finish it. I just couldn't. This made me skeptical in buying new books. Also, the prices of the books these days are never cheap. It ranges between RM60 - RM120. I still remember back then the cheapest was RM32. With the price double up now, I can no longer simply afford books from different author just so that I could "try" reading if I like it. With such price, it costs me a week of grocery shopping. I will probably look for second handed books online under RM20. 

Most of my expenses now are on the foods. My goal toward 90kg looks promising now. I am standing at 87kg. I certainly look bigger than I was. My ass is getting bigger and rounder. My chest looks slightly wider and larger but still looks like shit to me. I intend to go for being pro-bodybuilding. I asked my coach feedback about being PRO in Malaysia, he told me "... don't... it does not worth all the hardwork you pay off... just be fitness influencer or be a slut on tiktok/instagram, and get sponsors from there, you earn way more from there than being a PRO ... ". It was a total let down, but what he said it was true. If you are hot and good-looking, just dance stupid on tiktok would get you to somewhere.

Every thing now on socmed is all about sex.   

Boring and Brawl

Dear Zach,

This weekend my dad was away again. And I have the whole weekend by myself. Unfortunately, I've had anal fissure since Thursday. I wasn't able to have sex since the fissure was very near to my orifice. I thought it would be healed by Saturday. But it was still slightly sore. So I forgo the idea of asking the 23 y.o tall guy over my place for sex.

Luckily, the fissure is completely healed today. So I decided to go to Chakran again.

But It was so bad tonight. Most of the guys are bottoms and they have small dicks. They sucked me more than I did. In fact, I didn't even get to suck them at all. The crowd was significantly lesser. A few chinese guys trying to hit on me, but I was not interested.

I went to the rooftop to try my luck. There was this chinese mature guy sucking this indian's 7 incher in the public view. The indian guy saw me walking over and grab my hand and asked me to join. He sucked me while the chinese guy sucking him. It has become the center of attention while others were on the mattress, lying there, watching the action taking place. Soon, another indian skinny guy joined us, but he was quite shy. I was very eager to suck the 7 incher, but it was in somebody's mouth. Slowly, it has become a mini orgy without sex. I got bored but the big dick indian guy wanted to fuck me raw. So we both moved to the private room. Although he was very hung, sadly he can't get it fully hard to be able to penetrate me. But we both had a great make out session though.

Then I went to the dark steam room. There was a brawl almost broke out in the middle of the room. As I was chilling inside awaiting, a few guys walked into the dark. Later, I heard the sound of a slap on someone, the guy who got slapped yelped and started pushing around, I quickly ran out. Almost everyone ran out in the fear of getting punched. The guy who got slapped was a very tall brown guy with tattoo on his right arm. He was angry and frustrated the way he was treated when he refused somebody's touch. He walked away and left. I feel bad for him as that is not right to slap someone when you cannot accept rejection.

I feel like Chakran is getting boring for me. I think I should give myself a breather from going to sauna. Every gay sauna I go, there are more number of bottoms than tops. I want to get fucked hard and rough; Not getting sucked by random bottoms who think I am a top.   

A Barebackful Weekend 2

Dear Zach,

Friday night sex has left me wanting to get bred more. There was no luck on Saturday although there were a few interests in grindr planning to meet up but they cancelled on me last minute. I took a break on Saturday and went to Chakran on Sunday evening.

I reached there at 7 pm and it was already happening in both dry and steam sauna. As usual, I took my shower and went to sit in the dry sauna for a while. There were a few blowjobs between me and a few indian guys. Nothing particular. 

I went into the steam sauna and I can tell there were actions taking place. I could hear sloppy and muffling dick sucking at a few corner. Since it was dark inside, all I could do was to reach my hands as a lead and touch whoever wanted to be touched and got down to business. I managed to suck a thick indian cock. So thick I wonder if it could fit in my ass. There were many men coming in, congesting the entrance, at this point, everyone was just against each other slippery wet body.

Then, there was this guy walked in, followed by another guy behind him. As far as I could fairly make out his silhouette, he is lean and hairy, I can tell he works out a bit. As soon as our body touched, I grabbed his junk as he grabbed mine, his growing 7 inches throbbing in my hand. But it was taken away by another hungry mouth, but we caressed each other body, and started to make out ferociously. He sucked my dick and I sucked his as his pushed away the sucker - long and juicy in my mouth. I stood up, and turned my back facing his, my ass poking his dick, hoping he would get the hint that I wanted to get railed in the middle of the crowd there and then.

He got the hint, and grabbed hold of my ass, spit on his dick, and slid right into my ass. I gave out a yelp as he did. He pounced me so hard while everyone around us minding their own business. The ass pounding sound echoed all over the dark steam room. A few started to get close to us. We moved out closer to the entrance where there was a bit of light shine through so that anybody who walked in on us could see that we were fucking in the middle of the way. A few men who walked in was surprised by the ordeal and stayed and watched.

As the heat was getting on us, we took a break and walked out. Now, I could totally see him. He is relatively good-looking - with trimmed beard from ear to chin, hairy chest, faded hair style, and lean physique. He asked if I was a local. I told him yes. And he is a Pakistanis. Oh sweet lord jesus... ... my favorite kind of man. We chat a little and continued our public fornication in the dark steam room. I was so turned on by attention I was given. As he was getting close, he pulled out, and started jerking off fiercely, and asked me to finger his ass. He cried out loud and cum all over his body.

I thanked him and moved on to find others to fuck me. Soon, I found another one in the dark steam room, hard dick out standing in the middle, I moved my back against his dick, he got the idea, and entered inside of me. I didn't care how he looks, I just wanted someone to fuck me raw. In the end, he cum inside me and left.

I left around 9 pm.      

A Barebackful Weekend 1

Dear Zach,

My dad was away for a short trip over the weekend. That left me with an empty house. I was on Grindr most of the time trying to get guys to come over. Friday night, I managed to hook up with this tall mixed indian malay guy. He was at the center of town when we exchanged messages in Grindr and was quick to agree to meet me.

He arrived in his bike 30 minutes later. I was greet by his tall lanky build, deep manly voice, nerdy look with large round spectacles on his nose bridge and acne face, and a sign of receding hairline. He was in his formal wear, so apparently he came after work. I showed him into my house, he put his things down, and started to unbutton his shirt, showing off a surprising hairy chest. I was instantly turned on by the view of his hairy body, I moved in and touch him and started licking his nipples.

He kissed me softly, then we were both devouring each other mouth hungrily. We moved backward to my room as we made out. We stripped naked and his 6.5 inches cut dick waving at me in commando. I sucked. I licked. I did everything dirty to it. He turned me over and ate my juicy ass. His tongue played with my orifice and lightly chewed and smooched my juicy ass cheeks in between.

He wanted to fuck bareback. I let him. I was in four, then he slid it in me with ease. He worked his way up to test if I could take it. He pounced me hard enough to let out my moans. He knew the right way to fuck a slut.

"You are such a whore." He said as he pouncing my ass.

"Yes, I am your whore."

"You have such a breedable ass. Oh god.." 

" breed me, daddy, I work my ass off for you." 

We tried a several sex positions, but doggy was our favorite. My asshole was so wet and sloppy as his dick sliding in and out of my orifice. Our sex lasted for quite a while. In the end, he cum twice in my ass.

After he cleaned himself, we cuddled in my bed for a while. We got to know each other a bit. A few surprising facts about him: he is just 23 year-old, but he looks so much older than his age should be. I thought he was older than me. And, this was his first ever bareback experience and it was euphoric for him. I asked why he was willing to lose his virgin bareback experience on me, he seemed shy to answer. I was and have always been someone's first time experience in sex I don't know why. 

As it was getting late and he lives quite far away from my place, we made out a bit before he got dressed and left. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch.

The Bangladeshi Dick

Dear Zach,

Two Sundays ago, I went to Chakran as it was a long stretch of weekend holiday. As Monday and Tuesday were public holiday, I bet the crowd in Chakran would be favorable to me.

After I paid for the entry, I went to the locker room to change. There were already quite a number of guys getting dressed for leaving. But the crowd upstairs said otherwise. As usual, I was the outstanding one amongst the browns. I took a shower at the open shower area and went to the dry sauna.

As I entered, there were already 2 indian guys sitting there on the top bench. I sat close to one of them. Minutes later, I felt his hand caressing my thigh, then he slip through underneath of my tower to grab my cock. I did the same to him. He bend over to his left and started sucking my cock - warm and wet. He alternated himself between sucking my cock and chest. As the heat getting to him, he thanked me and left, here came another brown guy entered.

I could not make out how he looked like. But he was definitely shorter than me. He sat on my left. Our knees were touching each other. I slid my hand across to his dick, I was greeted with a perfect 7 incher. I bend over and sucked him like I was giving resuscitation. His dick was smooth and long. He pulled me up and kissed me hard while playing with my chest. He seemed to love my chest a lot. He kept sucking it non stop. Then, the door swung opened, a slightly muscular indian guy walked in and saw us in action. He sat next to my right. His hand started touching me inappropriately, I wanted him to touch me like that. He placed my hand on his 7 inches thick cock. I was so luck and happy because there were two 7 inchers right next to me. I bend over to him and started sucking him. I alternated myself between the 1st and 2nd guy. I was sandwiched in between them, my mouth was so wet from sucking, my body smell of their saliva as their tongue did their magic work all over me. As the play went on, another guy came in and sat next to the 2nd guy, the 3rd guy stood up and he was rock hard with his 6 incher. He brought himself in front of me, nudging me to devour it. 3 big dicks at once, I was in fucking heaven.

Soon, the 1st guy went out, leaving me and the 2nd and 3rd guy. As I kept sucking the 3rd, I could feel his build-up closing to its edge, without warning it came all over my mouth. Once he finished, he left. Only me and the 2nd guy in the room now. I told him I love his dick so much. This time, he stood up on the bench below, facing the door, as if on cue, I did what I should be doing - placing his thick 7 incher in my mouth, sliding my wet lips across his long shaft up and down, tasting every inch of him as I could. The door swung wide opened, another guy walked in and was surprised by our bold steamy action happening right in front of the door, at that point we both did not bother and continued. Eventually, he jerked off and cum in my mouth. I slurped every drop of his semen.

I thanked him and left to shower. The night was still young, and the crowd was packing. I sucked a few dicks in the dark steam bath room. As the heat was getting on me, I left to take a breather.

This guy came close to me, and lightly touched my bulge. But he was somewhat familiar, then I realized he was the 1st guy in the dry sauna. He looks decent up close. He has a slim body and a facial feature of pakistanis. He gave me a smile and hugged me, telling me he likes my body. The way he speaks had me confirmed that he is not a local indian. We went in to the dark steam room, I started sucking his 7 inches on my knee. Then, we pulled me up and told me "I want fucking...". I asked if he has a condom, he nodded yes. Then he went down and grabbed a condom, we moved our play to a private room.

As we were in there, we chug our towel aside, his 7 incher greeting me with anticipation, I kneel down and had him in my mouth. We made out, sucked each other chest, and I deepthroating his dick. I stood up and got ready for the grand price. I lubed myself with my own spit, as we both were sweating like mad already, my orifice was already wet and sloppy. Before he entered inside of me, I asked where he was from. To my surprise, he is from Bangladesh. As a Bangladeshi, he has the most perfect straight dick I have ever come across. He wore a condom, I turned around and bend over, arching my back, ass tilted up for him, he slapped my ass telling me how juicy my ass is, and entered inside me slowly from behind in standing, as he was fully inside of me, he slowly moved his hips against my ass.

He picked up his speed of pouncing. At this point, he was pouncing hard on me. I moaned so loud to his every hard pounce. He seems to know how to fuck very well. Every long stroke pulling out and in against the wall of my orifice had me wanting more of him. We were sweating like mad inside but we couldn't be bothered. He kept fucking me in standing, in missionary, and in doggy. He just kept doing what he did best. Our body yearned for each other. The slippery sensation of our body, in some way, intensified our desires, as if we were making hot and sweaty love in a semi-dark stuffy room. I've never had a Bangladeshi who fucked me so well and was able to last quite long. We were fucking close to 45 minutes. We couldn't take it any more as we were out of breath. I told him I wanted to drink his cum. He pulled the condom off, and started jerking it. I kneel down in front of him, tilted my head up, our eyes locked, telling him that I want him, I want all of him in my mouth. As he was pacing up his arm, I could feel his breathing quicken, I knew he was about to cum. Next thing I knew, he exploded all over my mouth, I sucked every drop of him off from his tip. He shuddered as my mouth licked his tip of his dick. We both gave out a light chuckles as to acknowledge how amazing our sex was. I wiped myself up and we went to shower together.

It was already 9 pm, there were nobody else around except both of us. We got to know each other a little bit. He is married with a few kids. His wife knows he fucks around with men and women. But his wife and kids are staying in his country. I told him some bit of myself but mostly fake info. We got dressed and I thanked and bid him goodbye.

Daddies' Juice

Dear Zach,

Last evening, I went to Chakran with the hope of getting railed by one of the black indian cocks. I arrived before 7pm, the crowd was good - probably more than 20 men in there. I quickly stripped myself naked and wrapped the towel around my waist, and walked up to the 2nd floor looking for action.

The men were by the corridor in front of the sauna. Everyone was looking for everyone. The steam bath was crowded with men and moans. Surprisingly, the temperature of the steam bath has finally fixed and the heat was great as I could barely feel any heat in the steam bath room for the past few weeks I was there.

There were some fine-looking indian gentlemen that night. One of them was a really good-looking, thick hair, sharp jawline, beautiful face feature, and lean toned body physique. He was a catch. Our eyes locked for a few occasion. We intended to get close but he seemed a bit hesitant. I did not want to come across as desperate slut as I was, so I just walked around and scout for others.

One tall silver indian daddy caught my eyes. He is really tall, probably 185cm, and has an average strong hairy body. Here I meant strong is because I can tell he works out a bit, has no belly but a firm chest. We locked our eyes. He then followed me into the dark steam bath room, hoping he would grab me before I disappeared into darkness. I stood quite out front near the entrance, so that he could make out of me. As he passed me by, I put my hand lightly on his crotch, letting him know I was interested in him. He held my hand and played my pecs with his other hand, light and playful enough for wanting him more. I dove into his hair chest and sucked his nipples, then he pulled me upward, and sealed my lips with his. He kissed me in an awfully romantic way. As the heat was too much, he grabbed my hand and moved to the shower room below. Now I saw him clearly enough. I kneel down and sucked his hard 5.5 inches, me on my knee, my eyes looking up to him while I sucking him, wanting to see how I took him in my mouth. As a silver daddy who is closed to 50 year old, he certainly is keeping himself in good shape. I told him to cum for me. He started to jerk his dick off slowly, I was still on my knees, eyes locking with him, tongue out front of his dick, hungry for his cum juice. Minutes later, I could feel a taste of sweetness in my mouth, it dripped back to my throat as my mouth still wide-opened for him to finished. I stood up as he finished. We chatted a bit. Then I kissed him goodbye and looked for others.

----------

I opened the door of the sauna, there I saw the good-looking lad standing by the wooden wall near the door entrance, our eyes locked for a bit as if he was telling me he wanted me. I entered the sauna and sat for 2 minutes and left because the men kept coming in. I walked to the back of the premise and sat on the stool, there I saw another white-looking fit silver daddy. He is slightly bulkier, probably older than the first one I met but he looks pretty good at his age. His eyes were locking on me when I walked. I went to the private lounge to see if he followed. He did. The private room was unlocked and free, I went in there, and wait for him. He appeared, then he closed the door behind him. We both took our towels off, my eyes went straight to his whooping 7 inches schloong. We moved our body closer, I placed my hands on his hairy pecs, him sniffing on my necks, our faces were so close to each other, we moved in for a kiss, followed by our tongue stacking against each other. His 7 incher was poking against me. I kneel down and placed him in my mouth, sucking it gently while I tilted my head up, eyes looking up to him as I did the first one. I love it when I get to look at their facial expression when I suck their dick in this way. Somehow it makes me feel like a slutty boy on his knee getting punished for something I never did. Their immense pleasure plastered across their face as I looked at them in their eyes when I sucking them so hard give me a satisfaction that I have the power over them when their dick in my mouth. I wanted him to fuck me, but he did not want to. So I gave him a sloppy blowjob. I told him to cum in my mouth. He started jerking off, I dropped on my knees, both of my arms high up playing his nipples, before I knew, he exploded all over my mouth.

----------

The 3rd load was rather quick. I sucked this indian daddy, as he grew hard, I could feel the pre-cum leaking in my mouth, the next minute, he cummed inside without warning. I swallow it and he left the steam-bath while I sitting in the dark waiting to score the next one. By now, my mouth was full of unborn babies from 3 different daddies. If the throat can ever be pregnant, I wonder what is the chances and who the father was.

By 8.30 pm, the crowd has become thinning. I went to the roof deck to check out, found another skinny daddy laying on the mattress, awaiting for someone. I went in and play his dick under the towel, he untug the towel and let me suck him. I was sucking him for good ol 5 minutes to get his dick hard 6 inches. I kept sucking him and he cummed in my mouth without another warning.

I left the sauna with 4 loads in my stomach and dissatisfaction of not getting fucked.

Breeding While Having Fever

Dear Zach,

The next day after the trip to Otot2 sauan, I felt my head spinning when I woke up in the morning. But I still make myself to the gym since it was my favorite leg days. But my workout were cut short into 35 minutes session as opposed to usual 1 hour 30 min because I could the fever fatigue hitting on me.

When I got into my car, I checked my phone and there was a grindr message. It was from a chinese top I met few years ago. He has been texting me over the years for 2nd meet up but our timing were never right. So happened I finished my gym session before 10 am but my intention was to go to the clinic. So I decided to meet him up and his place was just 10 minutes away from the gym. 

We met at the front of the convenient mart so that he brought me up to his apartment unit. He looked older than we first met. At least he did not get fat but his physique remained borderline stocky.

After I washed and douched in his bathroom, he was naked on the bed playing his dick. I crawled over his bed and put his semi hard on in my mouth. He grew into a full 6.5 inches thick as I worked my slutty mouth on his chunky meat. The top-down windows of his room were fully seen through but his unit is at 15th floor, and it was day time, the cars on the highway can barely see us from down there. I kept sucking him and he nudged me to deep throat it. But my throat was hurting from the fever/infection, I told him I would try. After a several attempts, I lubed myself up and his hard-on, I placed my orifice against his tip, poking in slightly to bulge my anus opened, slowly, skin-to-skin sliding in with ease. I just love big and thick dick raw fucking me. I rode on him for a while before we switched to doggy style.

He fucked me in a relatively quicken pace, but not enough for me to moan louder. He grabbed his phone and record the penetration view from my back. I did not mind at all because it meant that my ass looks too good to true. Then, we moved our sex play to the kitchen isle in front of a big mirror. I was leaning on top of the isle facing the big mirror, back arching for him while he was taking it from the back as we were both looking at the mirror. To my surprise, I look quite muscular in my reflection - though I still have to work on my shoulder and arms. He kept fucking me hard til he told me he was gonna cum. With his breathing pacing up, he squirted his man juice inside of me. His thick cum was spread along my ass cheeks as he pulled it out, I looked at my ass in the mirror, wet and covered with his white stains.

I cleaned up and left his place. Before I went back home, I dropped by the clinic.    

Raw-dogged by Bear Belly

Dear Zach,

One day after getting PREP, I have already been raw-dogged by 2 men.

Yesterday evening, I took 2 doses of pills before I headed to Otot2 sauna. The chances to get fucked there is relatively higher. I decided to try my luck. I was under the weather since morning at the gym. My throat started to do its trick again. By the time I reached the sauna, I was feeling lethargic. I couldn't stay long in the hot sauna, I felt myself burning up - the fever was creeping in. I cruised around the dark open spaces and steam bath room to see if I have any luck. At that point, I really didn't mind to hook up with the malays, I just wanted to get bred by random guys.

Towards 10pm, I wanted to give up and leave because my head started to spin. I walked into the dark open space again. An indian bear, with his hairy bear belly and scruffy chin, walked into the room, he seemed to be eager to hook up as I saw him trying to grab a skinny malay twink, but he pushed him away and told him he was not interested. He stood by the wall, playing his dick, then he saw my silhouette sitting in front of him. He came over, reached his hand over my dick, playing it, I did the same to him. He was already fully erected at 5.5 inches. He smooched me as soon as I stood up. He tasted like beer. We were making out in the dark, other men were passing by us and some were trying to squeeze in between us. He licked and chew on my nipples ferociously, I let out a moan. I kneel down and put his dick in my mouth, it smelled like indian cock I love it.

We, then, moved our play time to a private toilet. He ate my ass, his scruffy beard tickling my ass cheeks as he ate my ass. I grind my ass against his cock, as if nudging him to slid right in. He spit on his dick, and he entered me fully raw. Ohhh I love it. How the years of fantasizing getting raw fucked by a random guy at a random place, having bareback sex without any trace of doubt, letting the natural fornication taken its course just like how it supposed to be - no barrier, no worrying, no limit.

He grabbed my shoulders as he humping me from the back. As he quicken up, he let out a moan and cum inside of me. He pulled it out and my asshole was dripping with his juice. We chat a little. I believe he is not a local. He is a Punjabi but I couldn't hear which country he is from. He seems to have little understanding in English. I gave him a kiss, and took a long sniff across his hairy chest and belly, and bid him goodbye.

I took a shower and left.

On PREP and PEP. Finally.

Dear Zach,

After years of thinking, months of being persuaded, and days of absolutely doing it, I am finally to be on PreP. I know this is not some sort of groundbreaking announcement, but at least I am glad that I am taking more precaution in protecting myself in having sex.

I wasn't convinced the method of taking prep daily. I don't see the point of taking daily as I am no longer a sex worker, and I do not have sex everyday. I only have bareback sex with both guys whom they are also on prep. So basically, the chances of getting HIV is technically zero.

I was in no intention to visit the clinic. But the tendonitis on the middle finger of my left palm has been bugging me for 2 weeks. The pain persists no matter what I did. So I got no choice to make a visit to the clinic. The doctor who specialized in PREP and PEP medicine was so happened to be on duty that day. Hence, I queried him about it.

He convinced me that PREP can be taken on-demand method - in other words, only take it when you intend to have sex 1 or few hours before, and continue taking it for the next 2 days. He said that recent studies have shown that on-demand method is proven to be as effective in protecting against the infection as taking it daily. I was surprised to know that. All this while, I have always thought it is a must to be taken daily. The doctor also mentioned that you can continuedly taking it as long as you intend to have bareback sex for days, or else you can just stop. Only take when needed. Same goes to PEP, aka deoxypep, it is designated to protect yourself from STD after having unprotected sex. Same method as taking PREP, but the duration is only one day shorter. I wasn't into taking PEP, however, syphilis can be a nasty work of art when comes to treating it, that was what the doctor said. It is better be safe than sorry.

The price for 1 bottle of PREP is RM75 for 30 days while PEP is RM60 for 30 days. They are relatively affordable and cost-saving if I were to use on-demand method. I was totally won over by it, and decided to grab 3 bottles each. These bottles are more than enough for me to last for almost a year if I plan it wisely when comes to having bareback sex. It is certainly not a hall pass to have free reign raw sex with anyone, but at least I can have raw sex with big dicks in peace now.     

Returned Spirit

Dear Zach,

On the 6th day after my mum's passing, in the Chinese tradition, we family members are required to prepare prayer to "welcome" the returning of the spirit at home at midnight. In short, this prayer is to welcome the deceased spirit to visit us for the final time.

Since my brother was headed back to Singapore, only left me and my dad prepared all the food stuffs and prayers item for the night to come. We got everything ready on the dining table where my mum used to sit for dinner. We made sure everything was aligned correctly, nice and neat, as what my mum would have preferred. By 9.30pm, my dad lit up the long and thick joystick and insert in a flower vase, and put it on top of a stool, and placed them next to our main door. The purpose of the lit joystick is to create a faint light path in the dark, so that the spirit can "see" where it headed.

The opening period for the spirits to "visit" was between 10 pm to 2 am. By 10 pm, we were told to go inside our room, light out and sleep. This is to avoid "clashing" with the spirits - to avoid seeing the real ghost so to speak.

I was in my deep sleep state. But here comes the strangest thing happened.

Out of the blue, my room was getting stuffy and warm, even though the air-conditoner was working as usual. I felt my light goosebump, somewhat feeling there was a presence standing next to my bed. I was fully awaken by it but I kept my closed tightly. The "presence" muttered something on me, the next thing I knew, my whole body went numb, followed by a cold perspiration. I knew what it was but I refused to move an inch.

I was too stunned to move. I started chanting in my heart to keep myself calm. I told myself the spirits meant no harm to anyone. And one of them could have been my mum. According to the Chinese tradition, when the deceased spirit returned, it is always accompanied by two "bodyguard" spirits. Hence, the strong presence could have been them. Not long later, I, again, went into numb-cold perspiration shock. This continuedly went on 4 times in the space of, I don't know, maybe every 20 minutes? I did not check the time when it happened. Even though I sleep with ear bud, I could hear the sound of cup clinking and opening lid of the kettle pot outside of my room. My dad slept dead after he took his sleeping med, so there was no way he would have came out of his room and sip water.

I was not sure what time it was, but for the finale, I felt the presence came back, the chair next to my bed was moved slightly, I was too frightened to move. Here it comes, I thought. Somehow, the presence gave me a sense of calm and comfort, it did not cause me any shock as I was ready for it.

I knew then it was my mother. Because she always clumsily knock away the chair when she open my wardrobe to put my clothes. I knew she was beside me, probably looking down on me for one last time. I can feel her; I can feel her reluctance to leave; It lasted probably a few minutes. Not long after, my sweating back starting to feel cool, the temperature of the room began to fall, the whole atmosphere slowly back to normal. That was when I knew it was the moment when she bid farewell to me.

It is Working

Dear Zach,

I have made some progress in my process of bulking up my physique. In just 8 months, I have gained from 70 kg to 85kg. Everybody in the gym has seen how far my progress come to and starting to view me in admiration. As my weight slowly going up, my abs is slowly become least visible. As a matter of fact, I am told that I look good at my current size. Indeed, I look at the mirror, I look stocky and my ass has become more plumper than before, all the hard "ass" work in the gym is slowly paying off.

I am still watchful of my diet. I did not stray too far from my meal plan although I have the excuse of telling myself I am bulking up. I realized that when I stick to exact meal plan I have configurated, my weight has finally gone up. Calorie counting is crucial when comes to weight management. A lot of guys who have noticed my significant progress in the gym approached me asking about food and meal plan as most of them eye-balled what they eat and expect to gain significant results. They were disappointed when I told them to just count your calories, I bet they expect some secret juice or some sort.

As much as I eat a lot, I am still budgeting in terms of my grocery list. As I am not working now, I do not intend to spend shitload of money just for food.

I still have another 5 more kgs to go to reach my end goal.

Hopefully I could reach it by the end of the year. 

New Favorite Place: Chakran Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Few posts ago, I said I would stop going to gay sauna. But I failed to comply. On the other note, instead of going to the usual sauna I went to, I decided to go to a cheaper entry gay sauna in the town. The entry fee of Chakran gay sauna is RM30. Considering the fact that it is located at the busiest street of the town, the price is reasonable. It is reasonable because the facilities are much sub par compared to the ones at OTOT2 which has jacuzzi, high heat steam bath and sauna, and ample of spaces. Chakran is just a one-floored layout with small sauna and steam bath room with subpar temperature, even the shower room is just located at the very corner of the layout. It has a narrow spiral staircase to the top balcony with the majestic view of skyscrapers. But it is shaded with outdoor net, hence, from the look from the outside, it is not visible to see some action on the balcony. It has only 2 private rooms, others are just cubicles covered with curtains. So far, I don't see much action there because men there are quite shy. 

One thing I love about Chakran is because majority of the patrons are indians - brown, dark, tanned skin men. Some are bangladeshi and pakistanis. And my main preference in men when comes to sex is Indians. Simply because they have big dicks. Indeed, I've had best times there sucking random big black indian cocks in the dark steam bath room, one and another, bopping my head between 6 to 7 inches of black dicks, surrounded by the scent of musky curry smell, slopping over girthy uncut dicks from left to right. I was in heaven. Most of the time, I was the only chinese there, therefore, I was outstanding amongst the brown crowd.

Since the place is small, getting into action is relatively simple because there is nowhere else go cruise. Most of the action take place in the sauna and dark steam bath room as both of it are just stone throw away from each other. Most of the time, I was the one who instigated the action. One of them would start slipping their hand underneath my towel to reach for my dick and vice versa. When I felt their dick started to grow underneath my hand, I reached over and started sucking it joyfully. The others could see my silhouette in the dark room, they would start to come around me, playfully caress my nipples and dick, one by one, one sucking my cock, one making out with me, one hungrily sucking my nipples. I was breathless in between them but I was euphoric. Then, they dropped their towel, I was facing with plenty of option of dicks to suck. Most of them are well endowed, they were eager to push their hard big cock in my face while I was sucking another, I turned to the next one and suck it, then repeat with a few others. Usually, when they cummed, they would just leave and I would continue my hunt til they closed at 9.30pm. By 9 pm, everybody would be gone.

I always leave with heavenly satisfaction after having 5 or 6 dicks in my mouth. Chakran is my newfound hookup place with my gathered favorite indian men. 

Seeking Partner

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I always thought about having a relationship - head over heels romantic relationship. I read so much of romance novels when I was in college, I was hoping one day these kinds of shoulder-bumping falling in love at first sight scenario would have happened to me. If not first sight, probably a few fucks before getting into it. When the more I expected it, the more it stretched out towards an infinitely distant point in the future. Although I've had sexes with plenty of men over the decade, I still couldn't settle down for one guy whom I feel like he could be the one. I never had a relationship. This truth ought to surprise some of my hook ups as I told them when they asked.

" .. but you are good-looking, how come?"

I just closed my eyes, laying my head on his chest after sex, and trying to scramble my mind for random answers just to reply to his question.

Til this day, I find it odd myself as to why I never had a serious partner. I can find a guy to have sex easily, but I can never find a guy who wants me as a whole. I noticed that I tend to give out strong sexual appeal and the gays look at me hungrily as their sexual object. I am not complaining, but at one point I wonder if that is the only thing I can offer - oozing sex pheromones and having the men lusting over me.

These days I can't help myself but feeling a bit lonely. When I looked my contact list, I don't even have a confidant to talk to about everything. I have been alone for very long time, but the feeling of being lonely somehow creeping into my life.  

Attract and Repel

Dear Zach,

Sex is like a magnet - attraction and repulsion. Like poles repel, while unlike poles attract. This metaphor applies to heterosexual and homosexual sex. Dick to vagina; Dick to ass. Simple as that. When a top intends to fuck, he fucks. When a bottom intend to get railed, he spread his legs wide opened. When a bottom intend to fuck a bottom, it would likely never happen.

Last week, I met up with this guy whom we have met several times few years back. He hit me up out of the blue and asking if I was free to go over to his place for a quick fun while his parents away to attend for a funeral. He used to be a vers-top. Now I am not sure.

He still looks the same as the last time we met. We made out at his coach and eventually we moved to his room. When I tried to suck his dick, I realized his dick is shorter than I last saw. Probably it was too long since we have met. I sucked him. His dick slowly grew into a 5 inches solid. Somehow, he grew soft on me when he put on the condom. He told me he had cum few times before I arrived. He seemed apologetic. I told him it was fine. But his ass looks extremely meaty and juicy. I asked if I was okay to fuck him instead. In fact, he was glad that I asked. I can't remember the last time I fucked a guy, but I did not really enjoy it. I tried this time if I could get myself hard enough to fuck a guy. His bubble ass surely turn me on. But he was too tight for me to enter. Not sure my dick wasn't willing to let me into him or my dick wasn't hard enough to fuck. After a few attempts, I gave up. I told him I was done and left him hanging.

I was never meant to fuck. For all my life, I have been a bottom - a great one. Getting fucked real hard is my forte as a pure bottom. After this time attempting to be a top, I realized I will never go back to being a top for the rest of my life. I just don't like it. Bottom's ass repels me. My ass only attract dicks - especially the big and long ones.   

Ghosted

Dear Zach,

Being ghosted is pretty common nowadays. It happens in friendship, relationship, and sex. I have ghosted many men when comes to sex. When the sex was sub par, I pretty much deleted his number the second he left my house. I have plenty of sub par sex - the first time was usually great ; when comes to the 2nd time, somehow, it fell flat and the passion was no more. I guess we both felt that too. Once we were done, we no longer contact each other anymore. I don't believe the 3rd time is the charm.

The year before pandemic hit, I was hooking up with this malay guy, from being my masseur to my monthly sex buddy, for a year. I called him Rick. After the pandemic, we continued meeting up at his place every month. Our chemistry hit right off the bat. Everytime we met, the sex was mind blowing. After sex, we would stay on the coach, him sitting up right while my head laying on his thighs, he would brush my hair and talk about his days at work and asked about myself. He sometimes shared about his ex-bf with HIV and how toxic their relationship was. We gladly shared our thoughts and ideas about our lives. All things, sadly, have come to the end.

Towards the end of 2023, he no longer messaged me and replied any of my messages. The last sex we had was kinda off and I sensed that. But I did not query further. As months went by, I got nothing from him. Somehow, I knew he has a bf. Not that I found out, I just knew when a guy is in a relationship, he would just ghost others. It is not rocket science. One day in May this year, he texted me out of the blue, asking if I still remember him. We chatted a bit. He wanted to have sex with me again, although he was still in a relationship. I was stoked that he still miss our sex, somehow I was no longer into him anymore. But I did not have the heart to tell him that. I just made some excuses to turn down. He then texted me again 2 weeks later, but I ignored him completely as I was caring my cancer-stricken mum that time. Since then, he no longer texted me and vice versa. I knew I have to let him go the moment he ghosted me for a year and half and texted me again just because he misses us while in a relationship. Now it is my turn to ghost him. 

I met this indian young guy in 2021. It was one of the hottest day of the month, we met up at a motel in uptown 20 minutes away from my home. He is known as Ben. He is good-looking and almost my height. He has a solid 6 inches and thick in width. When he entered inside of me, it was otherworldly. I have never felt this amazing sparks inside of me. My ass was in sync with his every hip pounding on me. We were great with each other. The sex was amazing. After we were done, we kept in touch. Few days later, we met up again. We couldn't get enough of each other. We started having bareback sex although we barely knew each other. I was having doubts. But my lust obscured my rationale. I let him bred me. This happened for a few sex met up until I brought up the topic about getting tested. Somehow he was upset I brought it up, thinking I don't trust him. The conversation ended when he blocked me.

One year later, he found me again on Grindr. We met up at a motel for passionate make-up sex. Since then, we have been meeting up for sex monthly over the next few years. There were months he has to abstain from sex for prayers purpose. I respected him about that. It has always been him texting me first for meet up when he was free. Because he works for shift, his hours are odd, we didn't always get meet up at the perfect timing. There were times when he was available, I was not. He was staying 45 minutes away from my place, and he would always prefer meeting me at the cheap motel near my home. Since it was the only option when we both can't host. One thing I dislike about him that he has always been sketchy about his life. Whenever I tried to ask about his sexual life apart of having me as his sole sexual partner as he claims, he seemed to quite avoidance of my queries. I asked because I care. I care for his sexual health and always remind him to play safe with others. There was one time he blurted out about the consumption of PreP. As sketchy as always, he did not really answer my questions about how and where he got it from. Since we were having bareback sex most of the time, I was worried about myself. Every 3 months I would get myself tested.

As always, all things have its own expiry date, our last met was on May. Since then, all odds against us from meeting up - him getting into accident, working double jobs, tiredness. His monotonous replies to my every text has gotten me to think that he has enough of me. I don't blame him. He is 7 years younger than me, at this age, he should be having sex with everyone. And, I also accept the fact that no matter how great the sex was, at one point it will become a bore for both. Eventually, I ignored his every "hi" he sent. Last text he sent was asking me if I have extra condom and lube to spare. I blocked him. I do not need him rubbing on my face with his new found bottom. Or a bottom he has been fucking without me knowing. Whatever, I blocked him and deleted his number.

I am done being ghosted. Years of sexual relationship with the men you fond of have come to end just like that.

 

I Shall Stop

Dear Zach,

Starting next month onward, I shall stop doing these things.

1. Spending time on social media app

Truth be told, I have been doing nothing productive but scrolling away on the screen of my phone in FB shorts video. Same goes to IG reels. I could spend over 30 minutes of my time watching every short clips consisting of jokes and laughter. Although 90% of my IG reels are in Spanish, somehow I have gotten used to listening and reading the language and am able to understand probably 70% of the context of the video. But it does not justify the amount of time being wasted on it. Also, the notion of body dysmorphia is slowly creeping into my mind. Those reels by the fitness influencers keep popping up, making me start to become self-conscious about my body as I am on my way to 90kg and I seem to become quite stocky these days. I probably would delete IG app and remain FB just to keep up what's the trend and news these days. 

2. Going to Gay Sauna

I have been hooked to going gay sauna. Just this week itself, I have gone to the gay sauna 3 times, in an excuse for missing out my weekly sauna session for the past 2 weeks due to illness. Recently, I have become bored with the gay sauna scene. I see the same guys every time I was there. The sauna I usually go to is full of bottoms. The bottoms always assume I was a top - they tend to grind on me and give me a sloppy blow job. But I always make use of the facilities provided to fullest just to get my money worth. 

3. Staying away from Grindr

I have sex every 2 days recently. Either with my regulars or with some new random guys from grindr. I have been on grindr for every hour just to get sex date at my place at night. I can't keep doing this anymore. I blame on the process of bulking my physique to 90kg - the side effect of bulking is making me horny 24/7. Also, I am tired trying to discover another new mens' dos and don'ts in bed. Probably for now, I'll stick to jerking off or booty call my regulars if they are free.

4. Procrastination

I need to jot down on to-do list to keep my productivity in check. I need to find a source of income. I need a gig. Or a job to garner income. I have been thinking of venturing into writing. But first, I need to read a lot in which I procrastinate to do so. To be a better writer, you have to read. But books are expensive in Malaysia. I need to find a way sourcing for 2nd hand books. More on this topic in later post.

  

20s into 30s; 30s into 20s

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I expected myself to hook up with guys at my age - young, dumb, getting together at our age, possibly could be partners in love or in crime. Turned out, I always tend to hook up with men over 30s, sometimes 40s and 50s. Not gonna lie, the accumulative sexual experiences with mature men had shaped me sexually into a full fledge bottom. As they said, your 20s is all about being adventurous in terms of work, life, and sex. My 20s was my best years. I do not regret every minute I spent having sex with random guys to explore my sexual needs and whatnot - in other word, I was a slut. IF you don't spend your 20s having a lot of sexes, are you even living? Just my opinion. Most guys I met were mature - they gave me sense of security and knew what they were doing in bed. As you grow older, you would know what you want out of a partner when comes to sex - you affirm your needs and communicate with your partners so that both of you enjoy what to come next. After all, sex is meant to be enjoyable. I learnt that from them.

Funnily enough, as I am in my 30s now and I thought I would probably meet more men over 30s, turned out most of my hook ups are in their early and mid 20s. My regulars are all age between 21-25. It actually turns me on when a younger guy enjoy fucking me the most as they do to their counterpart. Probably the term "daddy" has been overly sexualized and become a symbol of masculinity for men over 30s, hence, they would rather fuck a sexually experienced man to learn and apprehend rather than fucking a twat in his 20s knows nothing about douching and make a "shitty" mess. The years of sexual experience have given me confidence in becoming who I am and knowing what to do when comes to pleasuring a top. Things I don't enjoy doing I would say no. Some sexual positions I love getting pound in, I would tell them. It is all about open communication. This is how they learn and like when comes to having sex with mature men.

Two 8 Inchers One Night

Dear Zach,

I was totally under the weather after I got dicked down deep by two 8 inchers back to back at one night 2 weeks ago. My asshole was wide opened and sore, and I couldn't sleep at all for the whole night after the sex. The next morning, I had a sore throat, and next thing I knew the whole package of flu viral infection was about to eat me up for the next few days. 

That night, I invited this young indian top, who is in his early 20s, over my place. He seemed to be very eager to fuck and, as soon as I said I was down for meet up after several dick pictures exchanged, he told me he had booked a Grab and was on this way. 20 minutes later, he was at the front of my porch, I sneaked him into my room quietly. He is obviously young, brown, and slim. While we were passionately making out, I slid my hand down into his pants and I was greeted with huge 8 inches cock. I was elated to suck on him so bad because the last time I had a 8 incher was ages ago. I sat on him with ease as I have completely hosed down inside out of my ass in preparing to get railed by it. I can tell he was relatively inexperience in sex. But his 8 inches length surely compensated his lack of skill in fornicate. Somehow I guided him a little to the way I wanted it. He then took charge and fucked me as he should. 

Once he was done, I already have one impending message for meet up 1 hour ago before the indian boy arrive. I replied to this Chinese twink, who is also in his early 20s, and told him that I got fucked and wasn't satisfied, and asked him to come over. He arrived 30 minutes later from work. He washed himself up in the toilet, and greeted me with making out. He moved back closer to my bed, sat on it, and whipped out a semi 6 inches. I kneeled down and started sucking it. He is a grower - as soon as my sloppy mouth sliding across his shaft, his dick grew into a solid 8 inches in seconds. I was amazed by the size of his cock against his skinny body. Most of the skinny guys have big dicks. I stand by this statement and it never ceased to fail. I was too eager to get fucked by another 8 incher, I was on all fours on my bed, getting ready for him to slide his meat into me. It was smooth and easy for him as my orifice was already stretched wide opened. Boy ... ... surely he can fuck. As soon as he was inside of me, he worked his way slamming his hip against my bouncy ass, he knew exactly the sweet spot of pulling his entire shaft and slamming back into me in a tight and rapid manner. He fucked me hard and fast, exactly what I needed. I could swear by that most skinny guys with big dick CAN really fuck. I have met up plenty of them, and my experience with them was nothing short of pure sexual satisfaction. My ass started leaking out juices as he continued sliding in and out in that pace. My orifice was sloppy as fuck and my legs were shaking. The session lasted about 30 minutes, as it was getting really late and I was tired, he still could go on. I indulged him for another 10 minutes, I told him to cum. As soon as he finished and left, it was already 12.30 am. I took a quick shower and flop on my bed to doze to sleep with sore ass. But to no avail.  

PreP or No PreP

Dear Zach,

I have been toying the idea of getting myself into taking PreP. Recently, the news pages were constantly posting about the HIV diagnosis amongst the university students contributes highest to the statistic in the country. Those individuals who aged between 18 and 25 are the riskiest age group in contracting HIV due to unprotected GAY sex - emphasizing the "gay" word, perpetually becoming the main culprit in contributing to the growing cases of infection. I am not surprised by the fact that most infected individuals are largely made up of Malays, as most of them have no knowledge about having safe sex and buying condom from a convenient shop is deemed as a sin. The news about it somehow fearmongering me into considering taking PreP.

Nowadays, HIV and STI testing outreach has been far more proactive in providing free testing than those time I was in college, where getting tested for HIV has to be done in private clinic for a fee.

Now, these outreaches are giving out free testing at several local hotspots and providing treatment for those infected at a lower cost or zero cost. I have been getting tested for HIV by ordering the testkit online from the legit NGO, and then it's sent to me 2 days later. All procedures are free of charge. Even getting PreP is free from the government clinic, but you would have to go through several stages of interview and testing before you can obtain it. Since PreP has been readily available in the market, the cost itself has become very affordable. Some of my tops got it for RM100 per bottle from private clinic. Today, I asked a clinic near my place, it costs RM75 per bottle. I was legit surprised by the affordability where it encourages those sexually active people to uptake PreP for safety precaution. I am actually proud that the government is taking initiative to promote PreP as preventative measure in combating HIV amongst the youngsters and provide free and easy access to get them. 

I am still contemplating about it since I only have frequent bareback sex with 2 tops whom they also take PreP diligently. RM75 is not that expensive, but do I really need it? Unless I intend to have bareback sex with every guy I come across with, then most likely I would uptake it as soon as I can. We'll see. 

Pass & Present

Dear Zach,

It is exactly one month after my mum passed. There is a day that I will miss her without going by. The house has been oddly quiet. Dad is back to his usual self and seems like enjoying his own company. These days I spend most of my time at the gym in the morning and afternoon at home. My aunt sent her regards to us asking how are we coping. I told her we are coping well. We have accepted the fact the loss of my mum way before she passed.

Last 2 weeks, I went to the photography shop to print out a stacks of photo to be put into several albums. I am not sure about the years they were taken, but I filtered them out by looking how young we were in that photos. I bought extra 2 albums which have 300 pockets each. Then I categorized them with a paper tape attached at the bind of the albums with "Beyond 2000","Beyond 2010", and "Beyond 2020". Three decades worth of memories are all lied inside of them in chronological order. I flip through each page seeing how we all had grown up and grown old, leaving smiles and memories behind in every single photos, telling us how precious our life is.

Sometimes I would go inside my parents room, holding my mum's picture on the top of her favorite drawer desk, and swept away some dust on her now empty bed, just to remind myself how unreal life could be as 2 months ago, she was still laying and breathing on this very bed. I get a pang of loss and a lump in my throat when I look around.

On the other note, I have been thinking of going back to study. I have been detached from the scene of education for 10 years. I am not sure going back to study would be a viable option. Partly because getting a job now is impossible for me as I have to take care of my 70 year-old dad who is having hearing loss. So, working 9-5 is out of the question. I thought of going back to art freelancing. But I realized it didn't work well to me last year, so I don't see the point venture back to it as to make myself profitable loss. Other freelancing gigs require working experience and one have to spend most of the time outside. I thought of returning to sex working gig, but I do not dare to risk myself getting reported and caught as there is so much news on the social media where there are quite a number of local sex workers being reported and arrested for soliciting sex. To get a sugar daddy seems impossible to me as I am an introvert and can't leave dad alone for long when they have sexual needs to be fulfilled all day.

Tell me, what should I do now?

 

Being Bald

Dear Zach,

I started to go bald in last November 2024. It was a fairly easy decision to make. I went bald not because I was in support of cancer awareness or whatsoever, it was because I am having vertex hair loss - also known as balding at the crown or male pattern baldness. It all started after I realized my hair starting to become worryingly thin in the end of 2023, I quickly bought Minoxidil and hair-growth shampoo to either prevent the hairloss advancement or regrow my hair.

Fast forward 1 year later, it did not help at all. Every time I went for a cut, when the barber showed the back of my head with the hand-held mirror, I died a little inside. And I was mildly embarrassed. Although the baldness was not as serious as I thought, if this keeps up, sooner or later, it will become worst. The last time I went for a barber cut, I told him to shave it all off. It took some time to getting used to. My late-mum made fun of my shinny bald head saying I could be Shaolin Monk. Ever since then, I have been shaving my head with simple razor shaver in every 2 or 3 days. In fact, some told me I look better in bald. I love my new look every day. I saved up the cost of going to barber, buying shampoo and medication. Now I only use one type body shampoo and wash myself from head to toe.

Just when I thought being bald would devalue myself in the scene of the gay sauna and Grindr, turned out the men are much more into bald man. Not sure if it's their fetish or genuine interest in me, it somehow gives me a newfound confidence that being bald is the new sexy as long as I accept the way I look. Not many men can pull off having a bald look. It takes courageous to shave all your hair off as hair styling significantly dictates your facial look. I am standing at 178cm tall and 83kg now, hence, being bald does pair up well with my body size. Some has asked me if I ever grow my hair back again. And I said "Never."    

Sex Tapes

Dear Zach,

There is this latest Mexican drama in Netflix that revolves around the topic about leaking sex tapes. It involves high profilic and influential individuals who were secretly recorded when having sex in orgy, and the recordings were used against them in exchange for business favors. It is a very typical mexican soup drama that always involves marital affairs between a rich lonely attractive woman and a very young handsome gigolo, and the gigolo would forget about himself as sex worker and fall in love with the married woman and all the dramas unfold from there. One thing I love about mexican drama is that there is no censorship in sex scenes. They show everything and the actors are insanely attractive. Well, all in all, the sex tapes leaked and caused an uproar amongst themselves.

To be honest, if a sex tape of an influential individual was leaked, it would leave an impact and every one would remember. If a sex tape of a normal person was leaked, no one would even bat an eyelid. 

Recording your own sex video has been a norm these days. Literally, every guy I come across with, even myself, would have their own recordings. Sometimes they would share on X with consent from their partners. Some they would share it secretly under their discreet account. When I used to have onlyfans, I always asked for consents before I posted - with face censored and edited to the best part of the views I deemed worthy. After I quit OF for years, sometimes in Grindr, some fans happened to come across my profile and drop me some messages, telling me how they enjoyed watching my sex tape back then and wished I could continue doing what I did best. Of course, I felt delighted at their compliments but I did not reply them just not to give them the impression that I AM the guy they used to look up with. These days, I would rather stay low profile and have casual sex with people who do not know who I used to be. Sometimes when the sex was amazing, I would ask to record a short clip of the action. They are more than willing to comply, but I never share them to anywhere but to keep to myself. But I believe some of my old sex videos are circulating in certain websites and telegram channel. I am unfazed by it because I am just nobody. I would rather not to make a huge fuss about it and thinking I have lost my dignity over some random sex videos. I have lost my dignity when I started OF, so it makes no difference now if there is any dignity left in me. 

Strictly Platonic?

Dear Zach,

I met Sham exactly 10 years ago when I was working as a trainer in one of the top leading fitness center in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. That time he was a client to one of my co-worker and we did exchange a few words. He is a local indian, tall, dark, but average skinny looking and few years older. I knew he was gay right away when he conversed with me, but I did not intend to hook up with him because he was not my type. He works as doctor in one of the busiest hospital in the center of KL. He told me he was pursuing specialist that time - very bright future ahead of him.

Fast forward few years later, we came across each other in Grindr and he confessed everything to me about his feelings and how he always wanted me and do all kind of dirty things to me. Of course, what hooked me up the most was his 7 inches long black dong when he sent me picture as proof. He was located back in Penang island. But he always come to KL for a short weekend trip in one of many expensive hotels for getaway. The first time we met up the sex was good. Every now and then, he would come to KL just to find an excuse for a short trip but, in actual fact, he intend to meet me. He often keep suggesting us how good we will be if we ever be in a relationship. How he would treat me right and give all the amazing sex and goods to me - emotionally and monetary wise. 

I thought he was joking at first, as the time went by, his suggestive comments about us became serious. There was one time he bought me a Samsung phone which cost over RM6000 and sent to me via courier service. He said he just wanted to help me as I was struggling with my own career at that time, so an upgraded phone would have been of help in any way. I was grateful for his act of kindness and expensive gift, somehow I felt compelled to return him favors in sex. Over the years, whenever he came visiting, I would meet him, and have sex just to return some favor of his kindness. Over time, he would again suggest us to be together. I firmly said no. "I am not looking to settle down." In fact, I don't see myself settling down with him. I see him as a good friend with platonic sex. He was disappointed but he knew from the start I never intended to settle down.

We still keep in touch over the years. He had a few relationships that lasted less than 6 months. From being exclusive to open relationship, somehow his luck with men to be in relationship always doom to fail. Sex was always part of us when we met. One time he was grieving for the loss of his grandma, we had sex multiple times over the course of 3 days he was in KL.

As the time went on, our sex have become a routine - at least for me. There was no passion anymore despite the fact that he still love it. Two years ago, I told him that I just didn't feel like to have sex with him anymore as I see him more of a good friend now. He got what I meant, sometime when we met strictly outside of the hotel, he would ask if I wanna go back to the hotel to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. I just told him either I was not into it or I've had to go. 

Recently, I have started to reach out to him since he has been really quiet, even before that he was awfully monotonous to every message I texted to him. He said that he just embraces the part of being introvert and alone, sometimes he feel like he is becoming less attractive, and cannot be a cup of tea for everyone all the time, even I don't prefer to have sex with him as I see him more of a friend, hence he needs to adapt changes in life and come to terms with it. The penny drops. He was implying about us. And I did not query further and just ended the conversation with just simple texts and "take care". Somehow, he asked about my mum and I told him about everything. He was surprised and kept the conversation going, and then he asked me out on the weekend since he would be in town for the weekend, I have got no reason to reject since we last met was 1 year ago.

After lunch we went back to his hotel, before we knew it, we were naked on bed, both us with hard-on, I lubed him up and enter inside of me raw. This was the first time we have bareback sex. All these years, we usually have sex with condom due to his nature of job which requires extra precautious when comes to having sex. Doctors will be barred indefinitely from practicing medicine if ones diagnosed with HIV. But when he started taking PreP and deoxypep diligently 1 year ago, he has been going full throttle in having bareback sex with everyone, even when he travelled to Bangkok recently, he said he's had sex 4 times a day over the course of 5 days staying there.

Our sex this time was enjoyable. Simply because it was very long time since we have sex. We just fucked, no kiss no foreplay. I felt like we were reminiscing for a good ol time. But this time there was no passion no more. I think he felt that too. I wonder if I was compelled to have sex with him again just to keep our friendship going or just to repay his expensive sushi lunch treat on that day itself. If sex was taken out of the equation, will this platonic friendship be ended as I speak?

   

My Enjoyable Time at KL Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Going to gay sauna on Thursday night has been my weekly routine for the past few months. Because Friday and Saturday night the crowd is crazy and , most of the time, you are likely to queue for the locker availability. I went on Saturday evening one time, arrived at the door 7.30pm, I was given a queuing number 55. I was confused and looked around me, all the guys were awaiting for the entry. In that case, there were 54 guys waiting ahead for me. I thought of leaving, but I took the train to reach here for 45 minutes. I ain't going back empty handed. So I waited 1 hour and 30 minutes instead to get in. The gay sauna is named as Otot-otot (otot2) and located at the center of KL. To travel there, just go by train and walk for 5 minutes. You won't be able to see the signage of the shop, but you would have to search for a bit of the entrance to the stairs as it is located on the 2nd floor of a secluded rundown shoplot. And it is the only entrance opened at night. I frequently saw some first timer wondering in front of the entrance, thinking they were lost, but when they saw me walked through the entrance up to the stairs, they followed me a few steps behind as it gave them an assurance that we are going the same place. 

Every Thursday evening, once I checked in at 7.30pm, I always dip myself into the hot pool to relax my aching body, since I work out 6 days a week, followed by 10 minutes intermittent sweating session in the dry sauna. Since it is Thursday, the crowd is significantly smaller than those at weekend. Most of the time, the dry sauna is empty and I can be fully nude, even when there is some guys around, and enjoy the heat engulfing me. There is a dark steam bath room, I did not like it there, because most guys had their action there. I like to have my own private time without someone disrupting my train of thoughts. And there are 2 dark halls mainly for your discreet pleasure; On weekend night, it would not be too discreet anymore. There would always be a group sex action in either one of the dark halls - the sounds of fapping, the soft moaning at every corner, the sloppy blowjob, cheeks slapping, and the cry of ultimate pleasure. In the dark hall, you can only see the silhouettes of men to men action. Sometimes when I roam around the hall, I would accidently step on remnants of leftover cum. Since then, I always bring my own slipper along.   

I always enjoy my time in the dry sauna. I was drenched in sweat and relief. Sometimes, there were some guys would come in to check out, and saw me naked sitting on the wooden bench, moved closer to me and caressed my sweaty thick thighs and slid their hand across to my dick, but I would politely move my thigh away as if telling them I am not interested. But those I am interested in, I would whisper into their ear "Later." They would give me a smile and walked away and seek for their next prey or maybe waiting for me later.

The sauna is, no doubt, a hub for regular comers. I always saw the regulars every time I go there. I did not make any sexual contact with any of them. Nor do I talk to them. We all just acknowledge each other's presence with our own intention to be there. It is a hub for sexual release, but it can also be a hub of safe space for queer to be around and surrounded. There is no specific type of men roaming around; there are plethora types of men roaming around confidently with towels around their hips, bulge protruding, and walking around the premise freely and respectfully. 

The sauna is mainly filled with local Malays, followed by Chinese, fraction of local Indians and foreigners from all around the globe. I've had my fair chance with plenty of good-looking guys and gym-fit muscular who are usually local. As for white foreigners, I only had fun with this 50 y.o french bottom who enjoy sucking every inch of me. They always think I was a top and grind their ass against my hard rod on their back while we were making out passionately in the toilet room. Some were surprised at my admission that I am a bottom because my physical trait do not justify like one. Since when a masculinity always be defined as top nowadays? I thought tops these days prefer masculine bottoms? Most of the time, we just made out, gave each other a great blow job, and both cum a river. By the time we were finished, it was already 10pm. I cleaned myself up and showered and left to catch the train back home. Some days when I got no luck or not in the mood to have fun, I would just leave before 10 pm.

The Pakistanis Dicks

Dear Zach,

I have an addiction. Nothing too serious but I am just addicted to certain type of dicks I couldn't get enough of - the Pakistanis dicks. 

It all started few years back, if i still remember, when I first started hooking up with some Pakistanis lads living and working around my place. My area of living is surrounded mostly by the large manufacturing and production factories. There is no doubt there would be plenty of foreign labor workers working and living somewhere nearby my place. Whenever I went out to buy some grocery at the local market store, it would be full of Bangladeshi, Pakistanis, and Myammarese buying raw cooking materials for their meal prep. And their body odors are the most distinguished ones as you can smell them from miles away - musky sweat smells.

My first sexual encounter with a Pakistanis was few years back where he worked in one of the junk shops just right across the street of my area of living. He chatted me up in Grindr, his English proficiency was very limited - so does every Pakistanis I met over the years. We conversed in a very simple words. He sent his dick pic and I was shocked and fairly impressed. Moment later, I met him at the junk shop, he was dirty, sweaty, and his face is covered with facial oil due to long hours of work. He hushed me into a corner of the shop where it was quite secluded while he can still keep an eye of the entrance if his boss walked in suddenly. He nudged me to kneel down, and he whipped it out with his solid 7 inches cut dick. It was so beautiful. I have never seen a big solid dick with minimal veins across its shaft yet it was bulging with passion. I sucked its passion off furiously - smooth and easy in my mouth. Ever since then, I was looking forward to meeting any Pakistanis I came across with.

Most of the Pakistanis men I met are downright straight-looking and masculine. They have a mixture of arab and europeon facial feature with beards, hairy chest, tall, dark, and some of them are really handsome. And, yes, most of them are well-endowed, since I am a size queen, I was never have to worry about it. In fact, they seem proud of their dick and would rather send me their dick pic instead of face pic in Grindr. Although they are packing with size, their performance in bed is rather disappointing. 8 out of 10 of them I met, they cum rather quickly. Once they are done, they couldn't wait to want you to leave the premises. Which is understandable because they mostly live in a group with other fellows. They only invite me over when their peers were out. 

It is my one of my fetish - love getting down and dirty with these low-class labor workers, getting railed hard by their exuding male pheromones and masculinity. Their body odor drive me crazy. The best part is that these Pakistanis men would also call some of their peers over to fuck me one by one. They are not ashamed of what they do unlike the Malays here. In fact, there was one Pakistanis man I met for several times (before he went MIA last year), that he was amazing in bed and fucked me so good, invited me over to his house where most of his peers (over 6 of them) were around in the house, they looked at me like I was a feast. He walked behind me to his stuffy room nonchalantly and gave them a wicked wink as if telling them he hit jack pot. We fucked so loud I believed his peers sitting in the living room could hear everything we did. After he was done, I was getting ready to clean up, here comes another peer of his walked through the door, looking at me hungrily, they spoke in Urdu language, later, the top walked out and told me that his peer wants to fuck and left us alone in the room, I was more than happy to do it. That night, my ass was ravished by at least 3 Pakistanis dicks back to back. I was such a dirty slut I love it.

When comes to protection, they are more than willing to oblige to wearing condom. Some of them refuse, but they gave in eventually. They don't do foreplay - kissing, sucking, etc. They always eager to get down to anal business despite they are more than happy when I give them a sloppy blowjob all over their 7 inches shaft. 

Language barrier was never an issue when comes to sex. They needed it as much as we do. We spoke simple English like "meet?", "where?", "sex", and these are the universal code can be easily understood when men intend to fornicate. Some of them are rude. Some of them are nice. But those rude ones usually fuck me the hardest and manliest and horniest. I did converse with some of them and they are able to speak Malay. They said they would prefer fucking a man than woman because man are proactive in giving sexual pleasure, despite all of them claimed to be "bisexual".

Whenever I met some new Pakistanis man, I always greeted by 2 or 3 of them upon arrival. Again, instead of a group sex, they would rather enjoy the private moment with me one by one - after one has done, leave, and the next one come in. These gang-up sex scenarios happened very frequently as most of them share a room in a low cost apartment unit, hence they share "me" amongst them for their sexual pleasure need. Very often, they would forward my number to their other peers, then I would very often get some random text asking for meetup - Some I met at his workplace at night where he worked a security guard, we fucked in his security hut facing the silent main road. Some we met in my car and fucked inside my car - it was uncomfortable. Only recently, I started to bring a Pakistanis man back to my home at night as I deemed him trustworthy enough.

But few months ago, I started to block most of them in contact. They tend to become more and more persistent in meeting up in every week. When text was not replied, they would kept calling my phone.  I told myself I should stop meeting them as they are quite dangerous people. But part of me incline to putting myself at risk for sex. Last week, I unblocked most of them. Turned out, one of them, which is my favorite and the handsome one texted me last night after blocking him for 2 months. My body yearn for him so much. Last night, I had an amazing made out session with this super handsome lad in gay sauna, turned out he is a Pakistanis, born and bred in Hong Kong. What a coincidence, really. This must be a tell-tale sign. So I made a mistake texting him back this afternoon. Before I knew it, I was at his place, getting dick-deep by him, moaning in silent while his peer was sleeping on the concrete floor outside. Once we finished, we didn't speak much. He just said "meet again ok". I nodded and left in hurry with his musky, sweaty, body odor all over me when we were naked body to body.

It turns me on so much to think when these low-class foreign labor workers having superior sexual control over my body and I, in return, giving them a sexual satisfaction they needed the most during their hardest days at work.  

Off Grid

Dear Zach,

I have not been active on Instagram for weeks now. I believe that IG has gotten me engrossed to my phone for much longer hour than I expected I needed it to stop. I have 3 separate accounts: one is personal fitness progress pic since 2018 ; one is for my art page but now all the posts have been completely wiped off ; last one is my crochet crafting page I created during 2020 pandemic lockdown, and it has not been active since 2023. I have deleted X and Bluesky. The only social medium I am active on is Facebook. But my FB has zero friends except my brother. I kept all my social media private. I never liked the idea of sharing my whole life on social media for attention and validation. Things can go easily viral these days for whatever reason and, very sadly, you would be shamed and blacklashed for their own justification. I only use FB for current news and trend I can keep up with.

I have been asked for my IG handle but I politely told them I do not have one - they frowned at me, they must be thinking what kind of 30 year old millennium do not have a IG handle, he must be weird. To me, it is a good thing to stay off social media grid. It is exhausting and time-wasting. I just do not understand what kind of person likes to tell the world about the food he eats in a day in which nobody would care. And, also, why does every influencer has to be semi-naked in every other post? Since when has IG become so sexual? 

I wonder how many social media handles you all have and do you all share your entire life on it ? 

Oddly Quiet

Dear Zach,

My house is peacefully quiet now. With only me and my dad in the house, we slowly adapt to living our life just the two of us. I can tell that my dad is relief. But I know he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he would say that "it is awfully quiet now..." as compared to few weeks ago when my late mum was in bed, the vibrating sound of the oxygen tank in the room rattling across the living room. Now, the tranquility in our home has settled us into new sense of unease. It is not a bad thing, but it is hard to accept that we will have to come to the terms that this uneasiness will always and be forever around. Sometimes I would walk into mum's room, holding one of the photo frames, looking at her smiling through the picture, telling her about my day with a lump in throat and teary eyes.

My phone's notification is awfully silent now. Before my late mum died, I received messages every other day asking about my mum's condition and whatnot. Now that she passed, all the messages have stopped. I am glad because I am tired of it. 

During my late mum's wake, I did post a whatsapp story about my mum obituary. I would at least expect my regular fuck buddy would send me a condolence as I did to his late grandma few months back. I also did not receive any condolence messages from a close friend of mine. Or anyone if that matters. I was disappointed, especially at my long term regular fuck buddy. Funny how vulnerable moments like this truly shows who the true friends are. I realized I have no one at all. To them, I was just a bottom who is great in sex. Probably I should have sent them a message. But I am a very passive guy - making a move telling my mum's passing to my gay hook ups is the last thing I would want to do. I did try to engage my regular fuck buddy again for sex meet up few days ago. We were not able to meet up for the past 3 months - it was either he busy, or accident came up when we planned for the day, or I wasn't free for that moment. I asked "wanna have sex today?", he said "nope". That was my last straw. I am done asking and begging. I have made efforts so many times and everytime he seemed to be lack of interest. Same goes to my one close friend, whenever I tried to strike up a text conversation, he seems monotonous to my reply. Just because I have no interest having sex with you again so I deserved to get treated like this? I was upset at myself when I thought I was becoming close to them turned out I was dead wrong and they used me only for sex. I removed their contacts from my phone book and hide their chat history into archives. I deserve better.

I scrolled past my whatsapp contacts, I realized I have no friend at all. But mostly are just acquaintances. Time like this I got no one else to talk to but to write on my blog instead.   

Dear Mum, ... ...

Dear Mum,

Your wake and funeral were proceeded smoothly as expected over the last weekend. There were many family and friends attended your wake, and, most importantly, the important family members sending you off on your funeral.

You were surrounded by your beloved husband and sons when you were on your last breath on your bed. We were thankful for the caregiver who responded quickly to you and to us before your departure, so that we can give you a proper goodbye. 

Witnessing the moment when you stopped breathing has shattered my heart. It was unreal and indescribable. It has instilled into my core memory and It was the moment I'll never be able to forget.  I never thought moment like this that happened in most tv drama would finally happened on me. When the hearse dropped by at night to bring you out of the bed to the funeral parlor, I could not imagine how life is gonna be without your presence at home. You are now finally out of misery and in search of freedom in next life. I caressed your face before they brought you to the back of the hearse.

Everything went smoothly from A to Z. With such hefty price to pay, the service for your funeral was top tier. There were a lot of tears - mostly came from me. Everytime I looked at your beautiful face at your coffin, it reminded me how fortunate of me to be able to take care of you going through the hardship of your last phase of life - how you relied on me, trusting me on every decision I made to lessen your pain so that you can walked through your remaining days with ease and comfort. The last words you told me before you fell into unconsciousness was "Why are you still here? I thought you were out?" .. funny how you thought of me who likes to go out.

We scattered your ashes to the sea on the next day after the cremation. This was what you wished for - traveling around the world. We were driven out from the jetty and 5 minutes to the bed of the sea, with a bit of chanting and prayers, then we grabbed your ashes and flowers and scattered all over the seabed. But the wind was strong and not in our favor, it was all over our face with your remnants. But thankfully, the wind died down quickly and got it down as soon as possible. We dropped your urn into the sea, accompanied with the heavy waves motion, you were happily moving away from us as I gave you my last waving goodbye before seeing you disappearing into the ocean.       

Dad's Tears

Dear Zach,

The first time I saw my dad having tear-jerking moment was 15 years ago when he had a low-back surgery. The surgery was a success but it costed our family a whole emotional ride. The surgery had changed my dad emotionally - he sometimes would cry out of the blue. We were shocked because this was the very first time seeing him cried. In those weeks, I always heard argument broke out between my mum and dad. Then my dad would start crying. Sobbing like a kid. Some days, he would just walked around the house, my mum would tell him to stop walking around the house, then my dad would start crying saying he was just worried. As time passed, he consulted a psy doctor and was diagnosed with post-surgery depression - treated with medication and weeks later he slowly regained his composure back to him old self.

The second time was 2 days ago. My dad held my mum's arm, comforting her as she was beginning to become unconscious, laying on bed, he broke down in tears caressing her face and forehead, telling her "we will be alright." My mum could no longer speak and swallow; Her eyes were lifeless even though they were open; Her breath was heavy and hard as her lungs were failing. Her condition has deteriorated in the last 2 days.

I tried talking to her about my day, gossips, and my failed attempts in making soup. The more I talked to her, the more I realized I will miss conversing with her after she gone. I will miss her; I miss everything about her. I could not help it but to break down in tears in between, telling her I will take care of dad and her beloved ferns in which she has grown them for over 30 years. Seeing her being unresponsive made me sobbed even harder.