Life Of 4 Years In College

 

Dear Zach,

This month could be the longest month I could have ever expected.

Quite a happening month as I look back at the entries I have written. I admit that I was quite emotional and (mildly) depressed by the whole one-sided thing. Anyway, let’s talk about others before I go on with my tirade.

I still have another 3 more weeks to finish my degree. I can’t wait that moment to come. It’s been so long staying here. So long I am starting to wonder if I am permanently attached to this place emotionally and physically. I want to leave this place as soon as I can and start my exciting life in the city. Not that I hate it here. The only thing is that this place is downright boring. My life in the past 4 years was dull and boring. There’s nothing exciting about my life that every young guy usually does what they should do in their early twenties. I spent most of my time, sitting in my room, facing my laptop, judging people on the internet while absentmindedly flipping through the pages to be assessed for test. Plus my studies were pain in the ass. Yes. Truth be told, my life had been like this. It’s dull and freaking boring you would ever wonder if I was sane enough to be normal.

And there is this guy I liked asked me the reason why I like to be alone. I said that I like it that way. No, I am not angry. No, I am not sad. I just like to be left alone. Maybe because I am a lone freak that’s why he is avoiding me. If that’s the reason, fuck him. I do have friends but not that much. I don’t go buddy-buddy with everyone I came across with. I never made an acquaintance to every guy I had sex with. Sex is sex. Nothing more than that I would ever do. I usually won’t reply to any message that send to me with the context of missing you. I ignore. What do u expect me to reply when I don’t even miss you? Tell the truth that I don’t miss you to hurt your pride? And I never kept in touch with my high school friends. Reason.. please resort to previous paragraph. Hence, I am alone. Yes. Yes. Alone. Like always. Alone in my room. Judging. Sleeping. Eating. And repeat. This is how the environmental factors have shaped me into this. How pathetic I am.

In short, there’s basically the overview of my life had been for the past 4 years. Fascinating isn’t? I am glad that I am leaving this place soon.

Cry It Out

 

Dear Zach,

I cried. Today and yesterday. It was just some scene from a favorite anime of mine that I have watched for a thousand times. I do not know why I cried. I think it’s the soundtrack behind the particular scene that made me cried.

It was a scene where a girl had finally got her revenge for her parents, hoping her both deceased parents to praise her for doing such a good job, only to realize she had no one else but herself enduring the pain alone.

I kept repeating the same scene over and over again. My eyes started welling up each time I watched it.

It wasn’t that sad. But it hits me hard as if I have been going through the same situation. I guess I was trying to find a reason to cry. Hence, crying over the same scene that I’ve repeated.

It was my first teardrop in 2014.

It felt so good to cry it all out. 

What My Future Lies Ahead Of Me

 

Dear Zach,

One of the sadness that I was enduring last night is because I am torn between multiple decisions for what my future holds. I wish I could talk to someone about it only to realize I’ve got no one to consult to.

I texted him, namely the Crush, trying to get on a conversation but only to have gotten a reply 5 in the morning. And then I texted him back after I woke up wishing he would reply in hours or so only to no avail. Since he has zero interest in me, I may as well give up on him. Sometimes he kind of put me off when comes to texting. I am not going to waste my time on somebody who isn’t worth my time for. He’s taken; I move on. Simple as that.

Speaking of what my future holds, though I have once said that I’d start my career right after I graduate from college, it seems not like it anymore. After seeking several consultancy from my lecturer, many of which have suggested me to go for Master’s degree since I am just in my early twenties. It’s a right option for me to forge my path for a better life. However, I am unsure if it’s really right for me plus the option for my Master’s degree is plethora. When I scan through the website of the local public university for offered programme and most I am unqualified for. Well not most I’d say, it’s like 50 50.

It’s such a headache moment when you have too much of options and spent entire time doing research about each course being offered and then narrow down to what you are into.

On the side note, as my internship days are coming soon, I’d made a mental note for a few desired companies I wish to work for. Yet another headache moment to narrow down the options into few.

So much things to do yet so little time to do.

if and only if I could talk about it to someone. It pains me to realize the fact of having no one by your sides when you are having down moments.

Sometimes being a lone ranger is painstakingly hard too.

Am I Ridiculous?

 

Dear Zach,

It’s been a sad day. Not particularly because of the previous post I wrote about not being able to get the same love interest in return. (Well, I have to admit there’s tiny bit of it has to do with my sadness)

I was unsure where’s the root of the sadness come from.

It was just an indescribable feeling that waved over me. Even when I laugh I don’t feel like I was laughing for the sake of laughter.

I remember one of my reader sent me an email saying that I look sad when I am smiling.

I replied: “I’ve never been happy for a very long time.”

True enough. that’s the reason why my face is in a disaster state of acne. I’d never let it see the light of day.

I’ve debated it has to do with stress due to my ongoing final year project. Though I don’t feel like it.

I think it has to do with the playlist I have been playing all day long. Breakup/sentimental songs should have been slashed off from my playlist. It makes me even sadder than I already did.

Truth be told, it seems like whatever goods that ever come across me has always slipped away in instance, as though I’d never had a chance to grasp for a part of it.

There’s been a lot of things going on my mind and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I don’t know why I am writing this post. It’s just ridiculous. I am ridiculous. Writing such ridiculous post for the sake of doing ridiculous thing.

This is really ridiculous. 

x

Health Screening for What-it-should-not-be-having

 

Dear Zach,

I received a call from hospital this morning saying that my pathology report has arrived as I did my checkup exactly a week ago.

I was hoping I wouldn’t get what I should not be getting like last December this time.

Oddly enough, I didn’t feel the anxiousness at all; maybe I have prepared myself for the worst. I walked in the health screening department to ask for my report, within seconds they pulled out one of the recent files and showed it to me.

It showed “negative” for all.

I was relief. Even though I was confident enough to know that I would be okay. But seeing the results on the piece of official printed parchment, which either do you to dead or keep you alive, had made me even much more relief.

After all, having a good health is of important than anything else in the world that I ever own.

xx

What if the love you never forget found you again?

 

Dear Zach,

You have once loved him. You didn’t forget. You couldn’t and don’t want to forget.

Because you know he is the love of your life.

 

Afraid

 

Dear Zach,

I am tough on the outside of me.

Deep down ……

I am scared too.