Being Bald

Dear Zach,

I started to go bald in last November 2024. It was a fairly easy decision to make. I went bald not because I was in support of cancer awareness or whatsoever, it was because I am having vertex hair loss - also known as balding at the crown or male pattern baldness. It all started after I realized my hair starting to become worryingly thin in the end of 2023, I quickly bought Minoxidil and hair-growth shampoo to either prevent the hairloss advancement or regrow my hair.

Fast forward 1 year later, it did not help at all. Every time I went for a cut, when the barber showed the back of my head with the hand-held mirror, I died a little inside. And I was mildly embarrassed. Although the baldness was not as serious as I thought, if this keeps up, sooner or later, it will become worst. The last time I went for a barber cut, I told him to shave it all off. It took some time to getting used to. My late-mum made fun of my shinny bald head saying I could be Shaolin Monk. Ever since then, I have been shaving my head with simple razor shaver in every 2 or 3 days. In fact, some told me I look better in bald. I love my new look every day. I saved up the cost of going to barber, buying shampoo and medication. Now I only use one type body shampoo and wash myself from head to toe.

Just when I thought being bald would devalue myself in the scene of the gay sauna and Grindr, turned out the men are much more into bald man. Not sure if it's their fetish or genuine interest in me, it somehow gives me a newfound confidence that being bald is the new sexy as long as I accept the way I look. Not many men can pull off having a bald look. It takes courageous to shave all your hair off as hair styling significantly dictates your facial look. I am standing at 178cm tall and 83kg now, hence, being bald does pair up well with my body size. Some has asked me if I ever grow my hair back again. And I said "Never."    

Sex Tapes

Dear Zach,

There is this latest Mexican drama in Netflix that revolves around the topic about leaking sex tapes. It involves high profilic and influential individuals who were secretly recorded when having sex in orgy, and the recordings were used against them in exchange for business favors. It is a very typical mexican soup drama that always involves marital affairs between a rich lonely attractive woman and a very young handsome gigolo, and the gigolo would forget about himself as sex worker and fall in love with the married woman and all the dramas unfold from there. One thing I love about mexican drama is that there is no censorship in sex scenes. They show everything and the actors are insanely attractive. Well, all in all, the sex tapes leaked and caused an uproar amongst themselves.

To be honest, if a sex tape of an influential individual was leaked, it would leave an impact and every one would remember. If a sex tape of a normal person was leaked, no one would even bat an eyelid. 

Recording your own sex video has been a norm these days. Literally, every guy I come across with, even myself, would have their own recordings. Sometimes they would share on X with consent from their partners. Some they would share it secretly under their discreet account. When I used to have onlyfans, I always asked for consents before I posted - with face censored and edited to the best part of the views I deemed worthy. After I quit OF for years, sometimes in Grindr, some fans happened to come across my profile and drop me some messages, telling me how they enjoyed watching my sex tape back then and wished I could continue doing what I did best. Of course, I felt delighted at their compliments but I did not reply them just not to give them the impression that I AM the guy they used to look up with. These days, I would rather stay low profile and have casual sex with people who do not know who I used to be. Sometimes when the sex was amazing, I would ask to record a short clip of the action. They are more than willing to comply, but I never share them to anywhere but to keep to myself. But I believe some of my old sex videos are circulating in certain websites and telegram channel. I am unfazed by it because I am just nobody. I would rather not to make a huge fuss about it and thinking I have lost my dignity over some random sex videos. I have lost my dignity when I started OF, so it makes no difference now if there is any dignity left in me. 

Strictly Platonic?

Dear Zach,

I met Sham exactly 10 years ago when I was working as a trainer in one of the top leading fitness center in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. That time he was a client to one of my co-worker and we did exchange a few words. He is a local indian, tall, dark, but average skinny looking and few years older. I knew he was gay right away when he conversed with me, but I did not intend to hook up with him because he was not my type. He works as doctor in one of the busiest hospital in the center of KL. He told me he was pursuing specialist that time - very bright future ahead of him.

Fast forward few years later, we came across each other in Grindr and he confessed everything to me about his feelings and how he always wanted me and do all kind of dirty things to me. Of course, what hooked me up the most was his 7 inches long black dong when he sent me picture as proof. He was located back in Penang island. But he always come to KL for a short weekend trip in one of many expensive hotels for getaway. The first time we met up the sex was good. Every now and then, he would come to KL just to find an excuse for a short trip but, in actual fact, he intend to meet me. He often keep suggesting us how good we will be if we ever be in a relationship. How he would treat me right and give all the amazing sex and goods to me - emotionally and monetary wise. 

I thought he was joking at first, as the time went by, his suggestive comments about us became serious. There was one time he bought me a Samsung phone which cost over RM6000 and sent to me via courier service. He said he just wanted to help me as I was struggling with my own career at that time, so an upgraded phone would have been of help in any way. I was grateful for his act of kindness and expensive gift, somehow I felt compelled to return him favors in sex. Over the years, whenever he came visiting, I would meet him, and have sex just to return some favor of his kindness. Over time, he would again suggest us to be together. I firmly said no. "I am not looking to settle down." In fact, I don't see myself settling down with him. I see him as a good friend with platonic sex. He was disappointed but he knew from the start I never intended to settle down.

We still keep in touch over the years. He had a few relationships that lasted less than 6 months. From being exclusive to open relationship, somehow his luck with men to be in relationship always doom to fail. Sex was always part of us when we met. One time he was grieving for the loss of his grandma, we had sex multiple times over the course of 3 days he was in KL.

As the time went on, our sex have become a routine - at least for me. There was no passion anymore despite the fact that he still love it. Two years ago, I told him that I just didn't feel like to have sex with him anymore as I see him more of a good friend now. He got what I meant, sometime when we met strictly outside of the hotel, he would ask if I wanna go back to the hotel to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. I just told him either I was not into it or I've had to go. 

Recently, I have started to reach out to him since he has been really quiet, even before that he was awfully monotonous to every message I texted to him. He said that he just embraces the part of being introvert and alone, sometimes he feel like he is becoming less attractive, and cannot be a cup of tea for everyone all the time, even I don't prefer to have sex with him as I see him more of a friend, hence he needs to adapt changes in life and come to terms with it. The penny drops. He was implying about us. And I did not query further and just ended the conversation with just simple texts and "take care". Somehow, he asked about my mum and I told him about everything. He was surprised and kept the conversation going, and then he asked me out on the weekend since he would be in town for the weekend, I have got no reason to reject since we last met was 1 year ago.

After lunch we went back to his hotel, before we knew it, we were naked on bed, both us with hard-on, I lubed him up and enter inside of me raw. This was the first time we have bareback sex. All these years, we usually have sex with condom due to his nature of job which requires extra precautious when comes to having sex. Doctors will be barred indefinitely from practicing medicine if ones diagnosed with HIV. But when he started taking PreP and deoxypep diligently 1 year ago, he has been going full throttle in having bareback sex with everyone, even when he travelled to Bangkok recently, he said he's had sex 4 times a day over the course of 5 days staying there.

Our sex this time was enjoyable. Simply because it was very long time since we have sex. We just fucked, no kiss no foreplay. I felt like we were reminiscing for a good ol time. But this time there was no passion no more. I think he felt that too. I wonder if I was compelled to have sex with him again just to keep our friendship going or just to repay his expensive sushi lunch treat on that day itself. If sex was taken out of the equation, will this platonic friendship be ended as I speak?

   

My Enjoyable Time at KL Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Going to gay sauna on Thursday night has been my weekly routine for the past few months. Because Friday and Saturday night the crowd is crazy and , most of the time, you are likely to queue for the locker availability. I went on Saturday evening one time, arrived at the door 7.30pm, I was given a queuing number 55. I was confused and looked around me, all the guys were awaiting for the entry. In that case, there were 54 guys waiting ahead for me. I thought of leaving, but I took the train to reach here for 45 minutes. I ain't going back empty handed. So I waited 1 hour and 30 minutes instead to get in. The gay sauna is named as Otot-otot (otot2) and located at the center of KL. To travel there, just go by train and walk for 5 minutes. You won't be able to see the signage of the shop, but you would have to search for a bit of the entrance to the stairs as it is located on the 2nd floor of a secluded rundown shoplot. And it is the only entrance opened at night. I frequently saw some first timer wondering in front of the entrance, thinking they were lost, but when they saw me walked through the entrance up to the stairs, they followed me a few steps behind as it gave them an assurance that we are going the same place. 

Every Thursday evening, once I checked in at 7.30pm, I always dip myself into the hot pool to relax my aching body, since I work out 6 days a week, followed by 10 minutes intermittent sweating session in the dry sauna. Since it is Thursday, the crowd is significantly smaller than those at weekend. Most of the time, the dry sauna is empty and I can be fully nude, even when there is some guys around, and enjoy the heat engulfing me. There is a dark steam bath room, I did not like it there, because most guys had their action there. I like to have my own private time without someone disrupting my train of thoughts. And there are 2 dark halls mainly for your discreet pleasure; On weekend night, it would not be too discreet anymore. There would always be a group sex action in either one of the dark halls - the sounds of fapping, the soft moaning at every corner, the sloppy blowjob, cheeks slapping, and the cry of ultimate pleasure. In the dark hall, you can only see the silhouettes of men to men action. Sometimes when I roam around the hall, I would accidently step on remnants of leftover cum. Since then, I always bring my own slipper along.   

I always enjoy my time in the dry sauna. I was drenched in sweat and relief. Sometimes, there were some guys would come in to check out, and saw me naked sitting on the wooden bench, moved closer to me and caressed my sweaty thick thighs and slid their hand across to my dick, but I would politely move my thigh away as if telling them I am not interested. But those I am interested in, I would whisper into their ear "Later." They would give me a smile and walked away and seek for their next prey or maybe waiting for me later.

The sauna is, no doubt, a hub for regular comers. I always saw the regulars every time I go there. I did not make any sexual contact with any of them. Nor do I talk to them. We all just acknowledge each other's presence with our own intention to be there. It is a hub for sexual release, but it can also be a hub of safe space for queer to be around and surrounded. There is no specific type of men roaming around; there are plethora types of men roaming around confidently with towels around their hips, bulge protruding, and walking around the premise freely and respectfully. 

The sauna is mainly filled with local Malays, followed by Chinese, fraction of local Indians and foreigners from all around the globe. I've had my fair chance with plenty of good-looking guys and gym-fit muscular who are usually local. As for white foreigners, I only had fun with this 50 y.o french bottom who enjoy sucking every inch of me. They always think I was a top and grind their ass against my hard rod on their back while we were making out passionately in the toilet room. Some were surprised at my admission that I am a bottom because my physical trait do not justify like one. Since when a masculinity always be defined as top nowadays? I thought tops these days prefer masculine bottoms? Most of the time, we just made out, gave each other a great blow job, and both cum a river. By the time we were finished, it was already 10pm. I cleaned myself up and showered and left to catch the train back home. Some days when I got no luck or not in the mood to have fun, I would just leave before 10 pm.

The Pakistanis Dicks

Dear Zach,

I have an addiction. Nothing too serious but I am just addicted to certain type of dicks I couldn't get enough of - the Pakistanis dicks. 

It all started few years back, if i still remember, when I first started hooking up with some Pakistanis lads living and working around my place. My area of living is surrounded mostly by the large manufacturing and production factories. There is no doubt there would be plenty of foreign labor workers working and living somewhere nearby my place. Whenever I went out to buy some grocery at the local market store, it would be full of Bangladeshi, Pakistanis, and Myammarese buying raw cooking materials for their meal prep. And their body odors are the most distinguished ones as you can smell them from miles away - musky sweat smells.

My first sexual encounter with a Pakistanis was few years back where he worked in one of the junk shops just right across the street of my area of living. He chatted me up in Grindr, his English proficiency was very limited - so does every Pakistanis I met over the years. We conversed in a very simple words. He sent his dick pic and I was shocked and fairly impressed. Moment later, I met him at the junk shop, he was dirty, sweaty, and his face is covered with facial oil due to long hours of work. He hushed me into a corner of the shop where it was quite secluded while he can still keep an eye of the entrance if his boss walked in suddenly. He nudged me to kneel down, and he whipped it out with his solid 7 inches cut dick. It was so beautiful. I have never seen a big solid dick with minimal veins across its shaft yet it was bulging with passion. I sucked its passion off furiously - smooth and easy in my mouth. Ever since then, I was looking forward to meeting any Pakistanis I came across with.

Most of the Pakistanis men I met are downright straight-looking and masculine. They have a mixture of arab and europeon facial feature with beards, hairy chest, tall, dark, and some of them are really handsome. And, yes, most of them are well-endowed, since I am a size queen, I was never have to worry about it. In fact, they seem proud of their dick and would rather send me their dick pic instead of face pic in Grindr. Although they are packing with size, their performance in bed is rather disappointing. 8 out of 10 of them I met, they cum rather quickly. Once they are done, they couldn't wait to want you to leave the premises. Which is understandable because they mostly live in a group with other fellows. They only invite me over when their peers were out. 

It is my one of my fetish - love getting down and dirty with these low-class labor workers, getting railed hard by their exuding male pheromones and masculinity. Their body odor drive me crazy. The best part is that these Pakistanis men would also call some of their peers over to fuck me one by one. They are not ashamed of what they do unlike the Malays here. In fact, there was one Pakistanis man I met for several times (before he went MIA last year), that he was amazing in bed and fucked me so good, invited me over to his house where most of his peers (over 6 of them) were around in the house, they looked at me like I was a feast. He walked behind me to his stuffy room nonchalantly and gave them a wicked wink as if telling them he hit jack pot. We fucked so loud I believed his peers sitting in the living room could hear everything we did. After he was done, I was getting ready to clean up, here comes another peer of his walked through the door, looking at me hungrily, they spoke in Urdu language, later, the top walked out and told me that his peer wants to fuck and left us alone in the room, I was more than happy to do it. That night, my ass was ravished by at least 3 Pakistanis dicks back to back. I was such a dirty slut I love it.

When comes to protection, they are more than willing to oblige to wearing condom. Some of them refuse, but they gave in eventually. They don't do foreplay - kissing, sucking, etc. They always eager to get down to anal business despite they are more than happy when I give them a sloppy blowjob all over their 7 inches shaft. 

Language barrier was never an issue when comes to sex. They needed it as much as we do. We spoke simple English like "meet?", "where?", "sex", and these are the universal code can be easily understood when men intend to fornicate. Some of them are rude. Some of them are nice. But those rude ones usually fuck me the hardest and manliest and horniest. I did converse with some of them and they are able to speak Malay. They said they would prefer fucking a man than woman because man are proactive in giving sexual pleasure, despite all of them claimed to be "bisexual".

Whenever I met some new Pakistanis man, I always greeted by 2 or 3 of them upon arrival. Again, instead of a group sex, they would rather enjoy the private moment with me one by one - after one has done, leave, and the next one come in. These gang-up sex scenarios happened very frequently as most of them share a room in a low cost apartment unit, hence they share "me" amongst them for their sexual pleasure need. Very often, they would forward my number to their other peers, then I would very often get some random text asking for meetup - Some I met at his workplace at night where he worked a security guard, we fucked in his security hut facing the silent main road. Some we met in my car and fucked inside my car - it was uncomfortable. Only recently, I started to bring a Pakistanis man back to my home at night as I deemed him trustworthy enough.

But few months ago, I started to block most of them in contact. They tend to become more and more persistent in meeting up in every week. When text was not replied, they would kept calling my phone.  I told myself I should stop meeting them as they are quite dangerous people. But part of me incline to putting myself at risk for sex. Last week, I unblocked most of them. Turned out, one of them, which is my favorite and the handsome one texted me last night after blocking him for 2 months. My body yearn for him so much. Last night, I had an amazing made out session with this super handsome lad in gay sauna, turned out he is a Pakistanis, born and bred in Hong Kong. What a coincidence, really. This must be a tell-tale sign. So I made a mistake texting him back this afternoon. Before I knew it, I was at his place, getting dick-deep by him, moaning in silent while his peer was sleeping on the concrete floor outside. Once we finished, we didn't speak much. He just said "meet again ok". I nodded and left in hurry with his musky, sweaty, body odor all over me when we were naked body to body.

It turns me on so much to think when these low-class foreign labor workers having superior sexual control over my body and I, in return, giving them a sexual satisfaction they needed the most during their hardest days at work.  

Off Grid

Dear Zach,

I have not been active on Instagram for weeks now. I believe that IG has gotten me engrossed to my phone for much longer hour than I expected I needed it to stop. I have 3 separate accounts: one is personal fitness progress pic since 2018 ; one is for my art page but now all the posts have been completely wiped off ; last one is my crochet crafting page I created during 2020 pandemic lockdown, and it has not been active since 2023. I have deleted X and Bluesky. The only social medium I am active on is Facebook. But my FB has zero friends except my brother. I kept all my social media private. I never liked the idea of sharing my whole life on social media for attention and validation. Things can go easily viral these days for whatever reason and, very sadly, you would be shamed and blacklashed for their own justification. I only use FB for current news and trend I can keep up with.

I have been asked for my IG handle but I politely told them I do not have one - they frowned at me, they must be thinking what kind of 30 year old millennium do not have a IG handle, he must be weird. To me, it is a good thing to stay off social media grid. It is exhausting and time-wasting. I just do not understand what kind of person likes to tell the world about the food he eats in a day in which nobody would care. And, also, why does every influencer has to be semi-naked in every other post? Since when has IG become so sexual? 

I wonder how many social media handles you all have and do you all share your entire life on it ? 

Oddly Quiet

Dear Zach,

My house is peacefully quiet now. With only me and my dad in the house, we slowly adapt to living our life just the two of us. I can tell that my dad is relief. But I know he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he would say that "it is awfully quiet now..." as compared to few weeks ago when my late mum was in bed, the vibrating sound of the oxygen tank in the room rattling across the living room. Now, the tranquility in our home has settled us into new sense of unease. It is not a bad thing, but it is hard to accept that we will have to come to the terms that this uneasiness will always and be forever around. Sometimes I would walk into mum's room, holding one of the photo frames, looking at her smiling through the picture, telling her about my day with a lump in throat and teary eyes.

My phone's notification is awfully silent now. Before my late mum died, I received messages every other day asking about my mum's condition and whatnot. Now that she passed, all the messages have stopped. I am glad because I am tired of it. 

During my late mum's wake, I did post a whatsapp story about my mum obituary. I would at least expect my regular fuck buddy would send me a condolence as I did to his late grandma few months back. I also did not receive any condolence messages from a close friend of mine. Or anyone if that matters. I was disappointed, especially at my long term regular fuck buddy. Funny how vulnerable moments like this truly shows who the true friends are. I realized I have no one at all. To them, I was just a bottom who is great in sex. Probably I should have sent them a message. But I am a very passive guy - making a move telling my mum's passing to my gay hook ups is the last thing I would want to do. I did try to engage my regular fuck buddy again for sex meet up few days ago. We were not able to meet up for the past 3 months - it was either he busy, or accident came up when we planned for the day, or I wasn't free for that moment. I asked "wanna have sex today?", he said "nope". That was my last straw. I am done asking and begging. I have made efforts so many times and everytime he seemed to be lack of interest. Same goes to my one close friend, whenever I tried to strike up a text conversation, he seems monotonous to my reply. Just because I have no interest having sex with you again so I deserved to get treated like this? I was upset at myself when I thought I was becoming close to them turned out I was dead wrong and they used me only for sex. I removed their contacts from my phone book and hide their chat history into archives. I deserve better.

I scrolled past my whatsapp contacts, I realized I have no friend at all. But mostly are just acquaintances. Time like this I got no one else to talk to but to write on my blog instead.   

Dear Mum, ... ...

Dear Mum,

Your wake and funeral were proceeded smoothly as expected over the last weekend. There were many family and friends attended your wake, and, most importantly, the important family members sending you off on your funeral.

You were surrounded by your beloved husband and sons when you were on your last breath on your bed. We were thankful for the caregiver who responded quickly to you and to us before your departure, so that we can give you a proper goodbye. 

Witnessing the moment when you stopped breathing has shattered my heart. It was unreal and indescribable. It has instilled into my core memory and It was the moment I'll never be able to forget.  I never thought moment like this that happened in most tv drama would finally happened on me. When the hearse dropped by at night to bring you out of the bed to the funeral parlor, I could not imagine how life is gonna be without your presence at home. You are now finally out of misery and in search of freedom in next life. I caressed your face before they brought you to the back of the hearse.

Everything went smoothly from A to Z. With such hefty price to pay, the service for your funeral was top tier. There were a lot of tears - mostly came from me. Everytime I looked at your beautiful face at your coffin, it reminded me how fortunate of me to be able to take care of you going through the hardship of your last phase of life - how you relied on me, trusting me on every decision I made to lessen your pain so that you can walked through your remaining days with ease and comfort. The last words you told me before you fell into unconsciousness was "Why are you still here? I thought you were out?" .. funny how you thought of me who likes to go out.

We scattered your ashes to the sea on the next day after the cremation. This was what you wished for - traveling around the world. We were driven out from the jetty and 5 minutes to the bed of the sea, with a bit of chanting and prayers, then we grabbed your ashes and flowers and scattered all over the seabed. But the wind was strong and not in our favor, it was all over our face with your remnants. But thankfully, the wind died down quickly and got it down as soon as possible. We dropped your urn into the sea, accompanied with the heavy waves motion, you were happily moving away from us as I gave you my last waving goodbye before seeing you disappearing into the ocean.