Raw-dogged by Bear Belly

Dear Zach,

One day after getting PREP, I have already been raw-dogged by 2 men.

Yesterday evening, I took 2 doses of pills before I headed to Otot2 sauna. The chances to get fucked there is relatively higher. I decided to try my luck. I was under the weather since morning at the gym. My throat started to do its trick again. By the time I reached the sauna, I was feeling lethargic. I couldn't stay long in the hot sauna, I felt myself burning up - the fever was creeping in. I cruised around the dark open spaces and steam bath room to see if I have any luck. At that point, I really didn't mind to hook up with the malays, I just wanted to get bred by random guys.

Towards 10pm, I wanted to give up and leave because my head started to spin. I walked into the dark open space again. An indian bear, with his hairy bear belly and scruffy chin, walked into the room, he seemed to be eager to hook up as I saw him trying to grab a skinny malay twink, but he pushed him away and told him he was not interested. He stood by the wall, playing his dick, then he saw my silhouette sitting in front of him. He came over, reached his hand over my dick, playing it, I did the same to him. He was already fully erected at 5.5 inches. He smooched me as soon as I stood up. He tasted like beer. We were making out in the dark, other men were passing by us and some were trying to squeeze in between us. He licked and chew on my nipples ferociously, I let out a moan. I kneel down and put his dick in my mouth, it smelled like indian cock I love it.

We, then, moved our play time to a private toilet. He ate my ass, his scruffy beard tickling my ass cheeks as he ate my ass. I grind my ass against his cock, as if nudging him to slid right in. He spit on his dick, and he entered me fully raw. Ohhh I love it. How the years of fantasizing getting raw fucked by a random guy at a random place, having bareback sex without any trace of doubt, letting the natural fornication taken its course just like how it supposed to be - no barrier, no worrying, no limit.

He grabbed my shoulders as he humping me from the back. As he quicken up, he let out a moan and cum inside of me. He pulled it out and my asshole was dripping with his juice. We chat a little. I believe he is not a local. He is a Punjabi but I couldn't hear which country he is from. He seems to have little understanding in English. I gave him a kiss, and took a long sniff across his hairy chest and belly, and bid him goodbye.

I took a shower and left.

On PREP and PEP. Finally.

Dear Zach,

After years of thinking, months of being persuaded, and days of absolutely doing it, I am finally to be on PreP. I know this is not some sort of groundbreaking announcement, but at least I am glad that I am taking more precaution in protecting myself in having sex.

I wasn't convinced the method of taking prep daily. I don't see the point of taking daily as I am no longer a sex worker, and I do not have sex everyday. I only have bareback sex with both guys whom they are also on prep. So basically, the chances of getting HIV is technically zero.

I was in no intention to visit the clinic. But the tendonitis on the middle finger of my left palm has been bugging me for 2 weeks. The pain persists no matter what I did. So I got no choice to make a visit to the clinic. The doctor who specialized in PREP and PEP medicine was so happened to be on duty that day. Hence, I queried him about it.

He convinced me that PREP can be taken on-demand method - in other words, only take it when you intend to have sex 1 or few hours before, and continue taking it for the next 2 days. He said that recent studies have shown that on-demand method is proven to be as effective in protecting against the infection as taking it daily. I was surprised to know that. All this while, I have always thought it is a must to be taken daily. The doctor also mentioned that you can continuedly taking it as long as you intend to have bareback sex for days, or else you can just stop. Only take when needed. Same goes to PEP, aka deoxypep, it is designated to protect yourself from STD after having unprotected sex. Same method as taking PREP, but the duration is only one day shorter. I wasn't into taking PEP, however, syphilis can be a nasty work of art when comes to treating it, that was what the doctor said. It is better be safe than sorry.

The price for 1 bottle of PREP is RM75 for 30 days while PEP is RM60 for 30 days. They are relatively affordable and cost-saving if I were to use on-demand method. I was totally won over by it, and decided to grab 3 bottles each. These bottles are more than enough for me to last for almost a year if I plan it wisely when comes to having bareback sex. It is certainly not a hall pass to have free reign raw sex with anyone, but at least I can have raw sex with big dicks in peace now.     

Returned Spirit

Dear Zach,

On the 6th day after my mum's passing, in the Chinese tradition, we family members are required to prepare prayer to "welcome" the returning of the spirit at home at midnight. In short, this prayer is to welcome the deceased spirit to visit us for the final time.

Since my brother was headed back to Singapore, only left me and my dad prepared all the food stuffs and prayers item for the night to come. We got everything ready on the dining table where my mum used to sit for dinner. We made sure everything was aligned correctly, nice and neat, as what my mum would have preferred. By 9.30pm, my dad lit up the long and thick joystick and insert in a flower vase, and put it on top of a stool, and placed them next to our main door. The purpose of the lit joystick is to create a faint light path in the dark, so that the spirit can "see" where it headed.

The opening period for the spirits to "visit" was between 10 pm to 2 am. By 10 pm, we were told to go inside our room, light out and sleep. This is to avoid "clashing" with the spirits - to avoid seeing the real ghost so to speak.

I was in my deep sleep state. But here comes the strangest thing happened.

Out of the blue, my room was getting stuffy and warm, even though the air-conditoner was working as usual. I felt my light goosebump, somewhat feeling there was a presence standing next to my bed. I was fully awaken by it but I kept my closed tightly. The "presence" muttered something on me, the next thing I knew, my whole body went numb, followed by a cold perspiration. I knew what it was but I refused to move an inch.

I was too stunned to move. I started chanting in my heart to keep myself calm. I told myself the spirits meant no harm to anyone. And one of them could have been my mum. According to the Chinese tradition, when the deceased spirit returned, it is always accompanied by two "bodyguard" spirits. Hence, the strong presence could have been them. Not long later, I, again, went into numb-cold perspiration shock. This continuedly went on 4 times in the space of, I don't know, maybe every 20 minutes? I did not check the time when it happened. Even though I sleep with ear bud, I could hear the sound of cup clinking and opening lid of the kettle pot outside of my room. My dad slept dead after he took his sleeping med, so there was no way he would have came out of his room and sip water.

I was not sure what time it was, but for the finale, I felt the presence came back, the chair next to my bed was moved slightly, I was too frightened to move. Here it comes, I thought. Somehow, the presence gave me a sense of calm and comfort, it did not cause me any shock as I was ready for it.

I knew then it was my mother. Because she always clumsily knock away the chair when she open my wardrobe to put my clothes. I knew she was beside me, probably looking down on me for one last time. I can feel her; I can feel her reluctance to leave; It lasted probably a few minutes. Not long after, my sweating back starting to feel cool, the temperature of the room began to fall, the whole atmosphere slowly back to normal. That was when I knew it was the moment when she bid farewell to me.

It is Working

Dear Zach,

I have made some progress in my process of bulking up my physique. In just 8 months, I have gained from 70 kg to 85kg. Everybody in the gym has seen how far my progress come to and starting to view me in admiration. As my weight slowly going up, my abs is slowly become least visible. As a matter of fact, I am told that I look good at my current size. Indeed, I look at the mirror, I look stocky and my ass has become more plumper than before, all the hard "ass" work in the gym is slowly paying off.

I am still watchful of my diet. I did not stray too far from my meal plan although I have the excuse of telling myself I am bulking up. I realized that when I stick to exact meal plan I have configurated, my weight has finally gone up. Calorie counting is crucial when comes to weight management. A lot of guys who have noticed my significant progress in the gym approached me asking about food and meal plan as most of them eye-balled what they eat and expect to gain significant results. They were disappointed when I told them to just count your calories, I bet they expect some secret juice or some sort.

As much as I eat a lot, I am still budgeting in terms of my grocery list. As I am not working now, I do not intend to spend shitload of money just for food.

I still have another 5 more kgs to go to reach my end goal.

Hopefully I could reach it by the end of the year. 

New Favorite Place: Chakran Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Few posts ago, I said I would stop going to gay sauna. But I failed to comply. On the other note, instead of going to the usual sauna I went to, I decided to go to a cheaper entry gay sauna in the town. The entry fee of Chakran gay sauna is RM30. Considering the fact that it is located at the busiest street of the town, the price is reasonable. It is reasonable because the facilities are much sub par compared to the ones at OTOT2 which has jacuzzi, high heat steam bath and sauna, and ample of spaces. Chakran is just a one-floored layout with small sauna and steam bath room with subpar temperature, even the shower room is just located at the very corner of the layout. It has a narrow spiral staircase to the top balcony with the majestic view of skyscrapers. But it is shaded with outdoor net, hence, from the look from the outside, it is not visible to see some action on the balcony. It has only 2 private rooms, others are just cubicles covered with curtains. So far, I don't see much action there because men there are quite shy. 

One thing I love about Chakran is because majority of the patrons are indians - brown, dark, tanned skin men. Some are bangladeshi and pakistanis. And my main preference in men when comes to sex is Indians. Simply because they have big dicks. Indeed, I've had best times there sucking random big black indian cocks in the dark steam bath room, one and another, bopping my head between 6 to 7 inches of black dicks, surrounded by the scent of musky curry smell, slopping over girthy uncut dicks from left to right. I was in heaven. Most of the time, I was the only chinese there, therefore, I was outstanding amongst the brown crowd.

Since the place is small, getting into action is relatively simple because there is nowhere else go cruise. Most of the action take place in the sauna and dark steam bath room as both of it are just stone throw away from each other. Most of the time, I was the one who instigated the action. One of them would start slipping their hand underneath my towel to reach for my dick and vice versa. When I felt their dick started to grow underneath my hand, I reached over and started sucking it joyfully. The others could see my silhouette in the dark room, they would start to come around me, playfully caress my nipples and dick, one by one, one sucking my cock, one making out with me, one hungrily sucking my nipples. I was breathless in between them but I was euphoric. Then, they dropped their towel, I was facing with plenty of option of dicks to suck. Most of them are well endowed, they were eager to push their hard big cock in my face while I was sucking another, I turned to the next one and suck it, then repeat with a few others. Usually, when they cummed, they would just leave and I would continue my hunt til they closed at 9.30pm. By 9 pm, everybody would be gone.

I always leave with heavenly satisfaction after having 5 or 6 dicks in my mouth. Chakran is my newfound hookup place with my gathered favorite indian men. 

Seeking Partner

Dear Zach,

When I was in my 20s, I always thought about having a relationship - head over heels romantic relationship. I read so much of romance novels when I was in college, I was hoping one day these kinds of shoulder-bumping falling in love at first sight scenario would have happened to me. If not first sight, probably a few fucks before getting into it. When the more I expected it, the more it stretched out towards an infinitely distant point in the future. Although I've had sexes with plenty of men over the decade, I still couldn't settle down for one guy whom I feel like he could be the one. I never had a relationship. This truth ought to surprise some of my hook ups as I told them when they asked.

" .. but you are good-looking, how come?"

I just closed my eyes, laying my head on his chest after sex, and trying to scramble my mind for random answers just to reply to his question.

Til this day, I find it odd myself as to why I never had a serious partner. I can find a guy to have sex easily, but I can never find a guy who wants me as a whole. I noticed that I tend to give out strong sexual appeal and the gays look at me hungrily as their sexual object. I am not complaining, but at one point I wonder if that is the only thing I can offer - oozing sex pheromones and having the men lusting over me.

These days I can't help myself but feeling a bit lonely. When I looked my contact list, I don't even have a confidant to talk to about everything. I have been alone for very long time, but the feeling of being lonely somehow creeping into my life.  

Attract and Repel

Dear Zach,

Sex is like a magnet - attraction and repulsion. Like poles repel, while unlike poles attract. This metaphor applies to heterosexual and homosexual sex. Dick to vagina; Dick to ass. Simple as that. When a top intends to fuck, he fucks. When a bottom intend to get railed, he spread his legs wide opened. When a bottom intend to fuck a bottom, it would likely never happen.

Last week, I met up with this guy whom we have met several times few years back. He hit me up out of the blue and asking if I was free to go over to his place for a quick fun while his parents away to attend for a funeral. He used to be a vers-top. Now I am not sure.

He still looks the same as the last time we met. We made out at his coach and eventually we moved to his room. When I tried to suck his dick, I realized his dick is shorter than I last saw. Probably it was too long since we have met. I sucked him. His dick slowly grew into a 5 inches solid. Somehow, he grew soft on me when he put on the condom. He told me he had cum few times before I arrived. He seemed apologetic. I told him it was fine. But his ass looks extremely meaty and juicy. I asked if I was okay to fuck him instead. In fact, he was glad that I asked. I can't remember the last time I fucked a guy, but I did not really enjoy it. I tried this time if I could get myself hard enough to fuck a guy. His bubble ass surely turn me on. But he was too tight for me to enter. Not sure my dick wasn't willing to let me into him or my dick wasn't hard enough to fuck. After a few attempts, I gave up. I told him I was done and left him hanging.

I was never meant to fuck. For all my life, I have been a bottom - a great one. Getting fucked real hard is my forte as a pure bottom. After this time attempting to be a top, I realized I will never go back to being a top for the rest of my life. I just don't like it. Bottom's ass repels me. My ass only attract dicks - especially the big and long ones.   

Ghosted

Dear Zach,

Being ghosted is pretty common nowadays. It happens in friendship, relationship, and sex. I have ghosted many men when comes to sex. When the sex was sub par, I pretty much deleted his number the second he left my house. I have plenty of sub par sex - the first time was usually great ; when comes to the 2nd time, somehow, it fell flat and the passion was no more. I guess we both felt that too. Once we were done, we no longer contact each other anymore. I don't believe the 3rd time is the charm.

The year before pandemic hit, I was hooking up with this malay guy, from being my masseur to my monthly sex buddy, for a year. I called him Rick. After the pandemic, we continued meeting up at his place every month. Our chemistry hit right off the bat. Everytime we met, the sex was mind blowing. After sex, we would stay on the coach, him sitting up right while my head laying on his thighs, he would brush my hair and talk about his days at work and asked about myself. He sometimes shared about his ex-bf with HIV and how toxic their relationship was. We gladly shared our thoughts and ideas about our lives. All things, sadly, have come to the end.

Towards the end of 2023, he no longer messaged me and replied any of my messages. The last sex we had was kinda off and I sensed that. But I did not query further. As months went by, I got nothing from him. Somehow, I knew he has a bf. Not that I found out, I just knew when a guy is in a relationship, he would just ghost others. It is not rocket science. One day in May this year, he texted me out of the blue, asking if I still remember him. We chatted a bit. He wanted to have sex with me again, although he was still in a relationship. I was stoked that he still miss our sex, somehow I was no longer into him anymore. But I did not have the heart to tell him that. I just made some excuses to turn down. He then texted me again 2 weeks later, but I ignored him completely as I was caring my cancer-stricken mum that time. Since then, he no longer texted me and vice versa. I knew I have to let him go the moment he ghosted me for a year and half and texted me again just because he misses us while in a relationship. Now it is my turn to ghost him. 

I met this indian young guy in 2021. It was one of the hottest day of the month, we met up at a motel in uptown 20 minutes away from my home. He is known as Ben. He is good-looking and almost my height. He has a solid 6 inches and thick in width. When he entered inside of me, it was otherworldly. I have never felt this amazing sparks inside of me. My ass was in sync with his every hip pounding on me. We were great with each other. The sex was amazing. After we were done, we kept in touch. Few days later, we met up again. We couldn't get enough of each other. We started having bareback sex although we barely knew each other. I was having doubts. But my lust obscured my rationale. I let him bred me. This happened for a few sex met up until I brought up the topic about getting tested. Somehow he was upset I brought it up, thinking I don't trust him. The conversation ended when he blocked me.

One year later, he found me again on Grindr. We met up at a motel for passionate make-up sex. Since then, we have been meeting up for sex monthly over the next few years. There were months he has to abstain from sex for prayers purpose. I respected him about that. It has always been him texting me first for meet up when he was free. Because he works for shift, his hours are odd, we didn't always get meet up at the perfect timing. There were times when he was available, I was not. He was staying 45 minutes away from my place, and he would always prefer meeting me at the cheap motel near my home. Since it was the only option when we both can't host. One thing I dislike about him that he has always been sketchy about his life. Whenever I tried to ask about his sexual life apart of having me as his sole sexual partner as he claims, he seemed to quite avoidance of my queries. I asked because I care. I care for his sexual health and always remind him to play safe with others. There was one time he blurted out about the consumption of PreP. As sketchy as always, he did not really answer my questions about how and where he got it from. Since we were having bareback sex most of the time, I was worried about myself. Every 3 months I would get myself tested.

As always, all things have its own expiry date, our last met was on May. Since then, all odds against us from meeting up - him getting into accident, working double jobs, tiredness. His monotonous replies to my every text has gotten me to think that he has enough of me. I don't blame him. He is 7 years younger than me, at this age, he should be having sex with everyone. And, I also accept the fact that no matter how great the sex was, at one point it will become a bore for both. Eventually, I ignored his every "hi" he sent. Last text he sent was asking me if I have extra condom and lube to spare. I blocked him. I do not need him rubbing on my face with his new found bottom. Or a bottom he has been fucking without me knowing. Whatever, I blocked him and deleted his number.

I am done being ghosted. Years of sexual relationship with the men you fond of have come to end just like that.