Dear Mum, ... ...

Dear Mum,

Your wake and funeral were proceeded smoothly as expected over the last weekend. There were many family and friends attended your wake, and, most importantly, the important family members sending you off on your funeral.

You were surrounded by your beloved husband and sons when you were on your last breath on your bed. We were thankful for the caregiver who responded quickly to you and to us before your departure, so that we can give you a proper goodbye. 

Witnessing the moment when you stopped breathing has shattered my heart. It was unreal and indescribable. It has instilled into my core memory and It was the moment I'll never be able to forget.  I never thought moment like this that happened in most tv drama would finally happened on me. When the hearse dropped by at night to bring you out of the bed to the funeral parlor, I could not imagine how life is gonna be without your presence at home. You are now finally out of misery and in search of freedom in next life. I caressed your face before they brought you to the back of the hearse.

Everything went smoothly from A to Z. With such hefty price to pay, the service for your funeral was top tier. There were a lot of tears - mostly came from me. Everytime I looked at your beautiful face at your coffin, it reminded me how fortunate of me to be able to take care of you going through the hardship of your last phase of life - how you relied on me, trusting me on every decision I made to lessen your pain so that you can walked through your remaining days with ease and comfort. The last words you told me before you fell into unconsciousness was "Why are you still here? I thought you were out?" .. funny how you thought of me who likes to go out.

We scattered your ashes to the sea on the next day after the cremation. This was what you wished for - traveling around the world. We were driven out from the jetty and 5 minutes to the bed of the sea, with a bit of chanting and prayers, then we grabbed your ashes and flowers and scattered all over the seabed. But the wind was strong and not in our favor, it was all over our face with your remnants. But thankfully, the wind died down quickly and got it down as soon as possible. We dropped your urn into the sea, accompanied with the heavy waves motion, you were happily moving away from us as I gave you my last waving goodbye before seeing you disappearing into the ocean.       

Dad's Tears

Dear Zach,

The first time I saw my dad having tear-jerking moment was 15 years ago when he had a low-back surgery. The surgery was a success but it costed our family a whole emotional ride. The surgery had changed my dad emotionally - he sometimes would cry out of the blue. We were shocked because this was the very first time seeing him cried. In those weeks, I always heard argument broke out between my mum and dad. Then my dad would start crying. Sobbing like a kid. Some days, he would just walked around the house, my mum would tell him to stop walking around the house, then my dad would start crying saying he was just worried. As time passed, he consulted a psy doctor and was diagnosed with post-surgery depression - treated with medication and weeks later he slowly regained his composure back to him old self.

The second time was 2 days ago. My dad held my mum's arm, comforting her as she was beginning to become unconscious, laying on bed, he broke down in tears caressing her face and forehead, telling her "we will be alright." My mum could no longer speak and swallow; Her eyes were lifeless even though they were open; Her breath was heavy and hard as her lungs were failing. Her condition has deteriorated in the last 2 days.

I tried talking to her about my day, gossips, and my failed attempts in making soup. The more I talked to her, the more I realized I will miss conversing with her after she gone. I will miss her; I miss everything about her. I could not help it but to break down in tears in between, telling her I will take care of dad and her beloved ferns in which she has grown them for over 30 years. Seeing her being unresponsive made me sobbed even harder.        

Sex Marathon

Dear Zach,

On Monday, I invited this Chinese top over to my place at night. We have met once a month ago. He has been texting me for meetup but I have been fielding his text like an CIA. Partly because he wasn't that good in bed. But he was good-looking and has this semi-muscular build and solid chest. But his flabby tummy gave him away as an overweight fat guy. We had a nice after-sex talk on my bed. I thought of him as a decent bloke and can be a great fit for those desperate bottoms who want a boyfriend. But not for me. This time I asked him over again. He arrived earlier than usual. I told him to wait outside for a few minutes as I was still douching and the water still hasn't cleared out. Took me a whole 20 minutes to clean my inside out. When we were in our room, he seemed to cannot wait to slide into me. Minute of foreplay, I was ended up in a missionary position, waiting for him to get inside of me. He slip his condom on and into me. "Oh god, it was so good. You are so tight." Before we knew it, he cum. Too soon. It lasted less than a minute? Then he flop on me and turn to the side. "Sorry, I was too horny and excited." He seemed apologetic for the ultra brief minute. "nah .. its fine.."I said. In fact, I wasn't fine. I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom cleaning my inside out and what I got in return was a minute sex. I wasn't offended. But just disappointed. The math was not mathing up. We chatted a while on my bed. His face was facing on my side, finger circling around my chest and nipple. It was 11.15pm. I told him to go as I was tired and ready to hit the sack."

On Tuesday, I was so horny as usual. Ever since I have started to bulk my physique, I am extremely horny and wanting sex all the time. I jerked off in the shower every night before I sleep. That night, I chatted up with this Chinese twink with his 6 inches dick in Grindr. He gave me a swift response and agreed to come later at night. That night, he fucked me senseless. Every twink with big dick I met they can fuck. Real good. The session wasn't long thankfully. But it was good. 

On Thursday, right after I came back home from my weekly gay sauna session, it was already 11pm, but I was horny as hell. I tried my luck inviting Munchy again in Grindr because I missed his magic mouth on my ass. He replied 30 minutes later. I was reluctant as I was getting ready to bed. But I want to get railed hard. He came over 15 minutes later. We made out so hard and he licked all over my body and ate my ass like a snack. He slid into me real quick. From sensual to rough to sensual, although his dick was just mere 6 inches, but I can feel his everything inside of me. As it was getting late, we both were tired, we finished up in the shower room, and cleaned up and he left. 

I was planning to meet up with this new regular Indian top on Friday. But since he hasn't texted me that night. I decided to call it a night.

Body Count: 1691

Dear Zach,

Years ago, I kept track my body count in Google spreadsheet of the time, place, and dick size, overall experience, anal/oral, and number of times we met. I kept track for a year and I realized I was such a slut. Basically, in that particular year, I had sex with over 30 different guys (could be more, but I humbled it down) But as the year went by, my body count got lesser and lesser. Probably because I was comfortable with a few sexual partners whenever I was in need and tired of getting to know a new guy's liking and fetish.

Few days ago, a news erupted over the internet about this middle-aged China man who allegedly cross-dressing (imagine an old man with makeup and long wig) to meet over 1691 for sex and secretly film the entire sexual encounters and share it online as subscription. I am gob smacked and hands down by the number. I am still an amateur! 

Some of its videos have been circulating online with uncensored identities. The worst part is that some of the victims' family and friends recognized them in the video. The best part is ... ... some of his male encounters are super hot looking. Why is this so unfair? Like, what is the best part of this crossdresser having such appeal to attract these smoking hot guys to have sex with him? I worked so hard on sculpting my body in the gym to have hot sex with hot guys turned out most of my tops are just average in shape. I guess China men are made different and have such unique taste in men. Who can blame them when life in China is extremely stressful enough for the local?

Sometimes when I have sex with my tops, I would ask permission to film our sex as long as there is no face being shown. But this only happened when the sex was amazing and we decided to film it as souvenir. Not very often I would do this now.

What is your body count? Do you have body count over 1000? 

You can read the news here  .

Uncertainty

Dear Zach,

9 years later, this post I wrote still hit me hard to my core.

I have survived through the pandemic, the recession, the downs, and the lows. After all these years, I still can't believe I am still alive and well writing this.

I am still lost. Even worst, I have no job, no prospect, no passion. With my mum's nearing to death, I have come to terms that she will never be able to see my success in future. 

I used to love reading, in which it led me to think that I would be a writer someday. Recently, after learning that being a self-published author in Malaysia is like throwing your money into the empty pit, the dream of being a writer has been casted further away.

I have tried being acrylic artist for a year. It started out well. With exhibitions and art fairs that I have participated, I made no money from all of that. In fact, I was at financial loss in every fairs and exhibitions I attended. But I was fortunate enough to get invited to be part of group exhibitions. It lasted until the beginning of this year when my mum's cancer becoming serious, I decided to give it all up and shift my focus on her since it is not working for me and I don't see myself in working this line of career. 

What is your dream? To be fair, you only can dream when you have achieved financial freedom. Because all the dreams we have certainly involves money.

Just like what will be my plan after my mum died? 

Munching

Dear Zach,

Last night, I asked this Malay massuer in Grindr to come over to my place at night for a massage. It was kind of a last minute request for him as the clock was closing to 10pm. I was in the middle of cleaning out some boxes in the kitchen and got his massage saying he was available. So I invited him over.

For the past months, I have been diligently going to gay sauna strictly for use of sauna and jacuzzi. Anything more than it supposed to be happened in the gay sauna depended on my mood whether I was into the guy or horny. I have been working out in the gym a lot -- 6 days a week of heaving training. And I am in my caloric surplus to gain new weight goal - 90kg. I am at 80kg now. So going to sauna was to help for recuperation from the intense workout I did in the gym.

This month I decided to forgo the idea of going to sauna and have a weekly massage session instead.

The massuer came at 10.30pm sharp. I did not ask for his picture in grindr because I just wanted a massage. He looks average, tan skinned, slightly shorter than me, stocky built and a wide lips. It didnt bother me because I ONLY wanted a massage. I stripped naked and laid on the bed on my stomach. He started massaging me in strong pressure on my legs. From my calves to my butt. It felt good. As 10 minutes into the massage, I realized that he has been accentuated the massage on my butt. His slippery hands with oil slid across my ass crack thinking I wouldn't notice what he was doing. He was certainly doing what I thought he was doing. He spread my butt cheeks apart several time in the motion of massage. I did not notice how long he has been circling around my ass, no long after, I felt a warm tongue on my orifice. I let out a soft moan. He pulled away and continued to slide his fingers across my slit. And, again, stuff his face into my ass.

"I love your ass. It is so perfect." He said.

"Thanks, I work out very hard on it."

This time I was on my knee slightly shoulder-width apart, nudging him an invitation to eat my ass again. He gladly complied and munched on my ass. His wide lips was meant to munch food and one of it was my ass. I could not remember when was the last time I got my ass eaten. But it wasn't as good as he did. His sloppy and wet mouth munching on my orifice as if it was his supper. I can't help but to let out my moans as much as I wanted to suppress it.

"You like that? Emmmmmmm..." He said, in between his breath. "Oh god, your ass is amazing." He jiggled it. 

I knew the massage wasn't going to continue, so I decided to turn over and get the deed done.

Before we knew it, he was fully naked with a 5 inches hard-on. He slide into me with ease with the mixture of his sloppy saliva and silicone lubricant. He fucked me hard in doggy style. The whole fucking lasted for at least 10 minutes. He cum on chest in the end.

He cleaned up and left after I paid him.

I was disappointed the massage did not go well for me. But at least I got my ass ate for good.

 

     

I Worked as Sex Worker and Onlyfans Amateur Gay Porn Star, and I Do Not Regret It.

Dear Zach,

It all started when I started to work as freelancer in 2018. It was hard -- trying to find odd jobs everywhere to pay off my bills and car loan. So I started to provide massage service by advertising online. Back in the days, the only website ,where you could search for local gay activity such gay massage parlor, gay sauna, and other exciting sexecapades, was a gay forum managed by a Singaporean company known as blowingwind. I advertised there. Slowly, I got requests every other day for massage service. When it comes to massage services for gay men, it never will be only massage. The massage is like a 1 hour foreplay, the main course is the sex. After the few attempts to reject myself from subjecting to sex, I realized if I don't do it, I will be doomed. So, I kept myself open-minded and have sex for pay.

I was picking up momentum in my services. I got clients from the locals and overseas, I ran from one fancy hotel to another in downtown, sucking dicks of different ethnicities and sizes and shapes, and got penetrated almost every other day by mostly unattractive, middle-aged, married, fat guys. I always play safe with condoms - which most of the customers do. Since I am a pure bottom, getting fucked was an relatively easy task. I was good in pretending feeling good. To be able to fake moaning, it was a skill. It was to tell the customers they are doing right and giving them the right to feel good. But some of them they fucked me real good I actually enjoyed it. Not sure what was it with these married man, they are extremely horny.

Towards the end of 2018, that time I was becoming active in twitter, and my services was slow down so I have to think of way to make money. Therefore, I took a leap faith and tried to upload a sex video of myself in twitter. The next day, my video was exploded with thousand of likes and hundreds of retweets. I was shocked that it got popular. I was happy and worried at the same time. My followers shot up from hundreds to 2k in just 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. The next few days, I uploaded another clip of me sucking a dick. It got popular as well. And I received plenty of messages about where they can watch my contents. As my followers was climbing exponentially high, I decided to open an onlyfans creator account to monetize my contents. It was a risky move. At that time, onlyfans was relatively fresh and unknown in my country. So it wasn't illegal so to speak.

Just like any other online content creator, you need to consistently upload fresh new content to engage your audience. So I made with video content with some fellow followers who were into it, and some customers of mine were okay getting recorded in sex but no face being shown. It was all amateur, nothing professional, nothing fancy. Just men 2 men enjoying sex. Each month, I dropped at least 2 new video contents in my OF page. As I saw the money coming in, I knew I was doing the right thing at the moment. My twitter page at that time had a whooping 20k followers and still climbing. I almost thought I was a gay porn star for real. Every day, I got messages for massage services and sex video collab, in which I was more than willing to comply to get my OF page going. Massage services and onlyfans were my 2 major sources of income in 2019. 

With the money I garnered every month, I managed to save a large chuck of money in my saving account. I managed to paid off my car loan once and for all. Technically, I was debt-free and financially independent.

As 2020 loomed in, with Covid and lockdown, all things went to hell. But not for me. I managed to survive lockdowns for 2 years with the saving I had. And every month I was still able to cash in from my OF account, still able to upload contents I made from a year before as I have made so much video contents with too many guys. To be honest, I am not a big spender. With the money I have then, I could have bought something fancy. But I did not. I save for emergency use and years to come. I live a very mundane life just like regular people even though I was a self-proclaimed porn star.

One day, I received an email from OF saying my videos have violated their rules and regulations, telling me to remove them or to obtain consent right from the party who involved in my videos. As OF was gaining their reputation, their rules and regulations have also been constantly updated to protect themselves against lawsuit. Some of my videos were hidden. I was not able to upload my content anymore since they have set such regulation for all the creators especially the home-made videos. As the years went by, I let my OF page died slowly. Even my twitter page was not updated frequently as before. I got concerned messages from fans asking if I was alright. In the end of 2022, I decided to close my twitter account. But I did not close my OF account. But I believe it has been deactivated by now.

Thankfully, I moved out from the local gay porn scene before it got overhyped by the local gays who did the same thing as me. It was dangerous as OF was getting its recognition on the news media in the recent years, and some of them have taken the advantage of do porn and upload online for monetization. However, it was all too late by then. As it becoming more exposed, the authorities have taken action against some Malay porn-star wannabes for uploading explicit content online. Some was arrested and charged. I was fortunate enough to jump out of the wagon because I knew it wasn't legal.

So that's what happened over the past 6 years going MIA. And I do not regret doing them. I believed God must have his reason to lead me to this path of life. Whatever it is, I am grateful that it happened.

I am writing this down so that I will never forget.  

Crave for Touch

Dear Zach,

These night I invited some tops over to my place to have sex after my parents asleep. My dad usually pop some sleeping pills before he sleeps, when he sleeps, he sleeps dead. My mum is obviously bed-ridden. So I wouldn't worry much about getting caught.

Rather than asking the tops to come through backdoor of my house at the back alley and straight to my room which they usually do beforehand, now I ask them to just come through the front door to avoid suspicion. Although I can finally host at night for sex, not many of them would want to come at late 10.30 pm on the weekdays just for a shag. Somehow there were a few willing to come as long as there is a bed, air-conditioner, and privacy for them to fuck. My bed time was 11pm. But when there is a sex ensued on that night, I would sleep at 12am. When I said you come at 1030pm, you come at 10.30pm sharp. Don't be late. Sex is important, but my sleep is way more importanter.

After a good ol' 20 minutes of good shag, I usually ask them if they wanna cuddle for a while. Most of them comply. Not sure why these days I was being nice and clingy to the tops. I tend to ask for cuddling after sex which I usually don't do. Sometimes during cuddling, I would sneak some pecks on their cheeks as if we were a couple, showing some affection after sex. Then, we would talk a bit of ourselves. But as it is getting late and they have to wake up early for work next morning, the after-sex cuddling last around 5 minutes the most. I am understanding because i also need my sleep. But it feels good to be embraced in someone's arm, sniffing their chest, sneaking pecks, and laying my head on their chest listening their pounding heartbeat. If this was me few years ago, I would have asked the tops to leave as soon as they were done. Is it true that when you grew older, you crave for more personal connection?