Against The Gays

 Dear Zach,

It is no surprise that when these bigots have nothing else better to do than interfering unharmful people lives just because they are "religiously" rightful to do so, they could have taken proactive measure to knock down issue like child rape, underage sexual assault, child marriage etc, which is happening a lot in our country.  

Living in a muslim-centric country, you expect these things would happen. Usually I couldn't be bother much. But what bothers me the most were the comments. Oh god.. the comments were just awful. Just when I thought we were entering a civilized era, but the homophobia in the comments section were wildly unacceptable.

The more I skim through the comments, the more boiling I become. I was not surprised that the people who left such nasty comments are 90% muslims, yet they were the ones who always get raw-dog the most behind their wife and religious faith, and contributing to the annual statistic becoming the highest population group in contracting HIV. So who's laughing now? In actual fact, when you turn on Grindr, almost 80 percent of the profile are malay-muslims. So what does that tell you?

This is the reason why I stopped meeting up malay-muslims for sexual fun. Esp this incident happened to me last month and I couldn't possibly recover from that. I don't hate them; I dislike them - although I came across some super hot malay guy in the local gay sauna, part of me wanted to taste them as they were into me, but the big part of me telling me not to lose my dignity over some fatal attraction. Then, I would just quickly walk away from them touching me so that I wouldn't fold. lol.

If you are curious what sort of event it will be? Here's below:

See? I think sexual health awareness should of be important than the queer stories. 

A Wife Materials in a Husband

 Dear Zach,

My mum loves keeping the home clean and tidy. When she was in good health, without failed, she was always cleaning and wiping, making sure the surface of everywhere was free of dust. I admire her tenacious attitude in keeping the house tidy. "A clean home is a happy home." She didn't said that, but that was what she always believes in.

Cleaning was her wifey duty - so does cooking. She cleans to provide comfort for us, so that we can focus on other important things in life. Life was easy and stress-free, literally, when we got back to a clean and tidy home. We tend to take little things like this for granted. When my mum was bed-ridden for the past few months, my dad and I share the house chores making sure our home is clean and comfortable as before. Somehow it didn't feel like it. Without the maternal touch, it was somewhat lacking. I have been cooking my own meals since 3 years ago when I started taking care of my diet seriously since I started working out hard in the gym. When my parents are no longer able to handle the load of meal prep like they used to, they mostly bought eat-out which was so much more economical.

For the past few months, I cooked for my parents. I learnt to make dessert, soup, healthy beverages, juices, and sweet congee. Since my mum was not in favor for solid food, soft liquid type of food was the best option for her consumption. I took over the responsibility of cleaning the house as my dad's lower back was killing him these days. My parents appreciate my efforts. My relatives, who came and visit my mum, praised my culinary efforts and love what they tasted. I was glad. At least this is the most I could do for them. 

I am basically a house-husband now, staying at home, cook and clean, and awaiting my non-existing husband to fuck me senseless. I mean, I could put a tender out there asking someone to marry me - I can cook, clean, and get fucked all day everyday.  

Is blogging dead?

Dear Zach,

These days when I got back into blogging, I tried to check out some of the fellow bloggers' recent updates only to have found their last post was 6 or 7 years ago - about the same time when I stopped posting back then. A tad of sadness washed over me knowing that blogging used to be our sole medium for venting, now has become an abandoned site with years of archives. We anticipated each other updates day by day trying to connect with one and another. When we blog, we blog to share our thoughts and feelings. We engage with people in a way people could relate to us with our own words. I miss those days when we got to read others' life, leaving heartfelt comments, read without judgement, and being supportive as we can.

Back then, without FB, IG, TIKTOK, blogging was the only way to share our life to the world. As the technology is becoming more progressively advanced, blogging is becoming more likely obsolete. Nobody, especially young adults, these days would spend more than 10 seconds of their attention span to read a 5 minutes post. Their attention span are so short to the point where the social media experts started to make video content about getting the first 5 seconds "hook" in reel just to lure viewers for engagement. Everything is all about view engagements and transactional on social media. Even me has become so attached to IG reels I wasted almost 30 minutes just to get a good laugh from it. It is sad but it is just the way it is now. We post on social media to get attention and validation. Very often, it attracts mostly haters leaving nasty comments about your face. We are no longer in the liberty to share; We are in a place where the more we share, the more dislikeable we become. This is one of the reason why I removed my own personal social media. People can just hate it for no reason.

I am glad that I got back into blogging. It feels so good to typing away my thoughts. I may get back into reading books. The last time I read a book was like 6 years ago? Blimey, that's long.  

 

Routine

 Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, it has been tough for me and my family. My dad and I had a multiple huge arguments over something trivial. There were days my mum was in immense pain even after taking a medium dose of morphine. It was hard see how my 70-year-old dad taking care of my mum, feeding her, bath her, and supporting her walking to bed. Most of the time, my mum was asleep due the induced drowsiness from the drugs. While my dad taking care of my mum, I took charge in settling daily house chores and running in and out buying depository items. Day by day, seeing my mum's health progressively declining, I can't help but to think how the days will be when she's gone. There were times I lay on my bed in the afternoon, shedding tears from the corner of my eyes, thinking how she will leave us anytime.

My daily routine now consist of going to gym in the morning, and cooked my own lunch and dinner, and spent the rest of the day at home doing nothing. I do not work. I cannot work at this moment. Hence, I kept my daily expenditure to the minimal as possible. Sometimes, I would meet my regular for sex at the cheap motel we usually go to. I would go to gay sauna on the weekly basis just to relax and free my mind since I spent a lot of time in the gym working out hard. No. I do not have sex in there as tempting as it was. There were times I just had oral sex and foreplay. That's that.

It is going to be mid of the year very soon. It is unbelievable that the year went on too fast. 

Tough Time. Tough Life. Tough Birthday

 Dear Zach,

My birthday for this year is probably the saddest one I've had ever been through in my entire life.

For the past 2 years, my birthday dropped on the week days, it was one of the random morning routine where I was on my way home from the gym. Knowing the fact that I was entering in my 30s, with no job prospect, jobless, hopeless, and mindlessly living the day without expectation, the overwhelming feeling of failure has gotten my eyes brimming with tears. I cried so hard in the car on the way home in my birthday for the past 2 years. Crying because I failed so much. Crying because I had achieve nothing what I had promised myself when I was entering 20s.

This year, I did not cry. Because I had cried enough. With the unshocking news of my mum cancer's diagnosis, I was well mentally prepared for the worst outcome. Last week, we were told my mum's cancer progress has gotten worst. Chemotherapy is the only option to "control" the metastasis. It was the best interest for my mum's condition, but not for my mum's best interest. I held my mum's fragile hand, holding back my tears, telling her that I was fine with whatever decision she made. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she shook her head, cueing that she did not want to go through such ballistic treatment anymore. Without further ado, the doctor asked if he can do anything to make her comfortable for the rest of the days, we said nothing much and left the clinic with silent and heavy heart.

We did not say anything on the way back home. Silent is the best for all of us now. We all struggled to put our emotions to words.

To decompress, I texted my regular fuck buddy to fuck me as hard as he can the next day. He was under the weather but somehow comply the demand I asked of him. I love him - not in the romantic way. He always fuck me the best. After sex, we cuddled and fall asleep until the hours in the motel were up. We did not say much. We just had sex and that was that. No drama, no attachment. 

A news of my mum's imminent death and mind-blowing hard sex were my birthday present this year. I couldn't ask for more.  

The Worst Keep Coming - Part 2

 Dear Zach,

When I finally put my mum to sleep, and dad went to bed, I swiped my phone away and clicked on Grindr.

It was 10pm, thought of sneaking some guy into my bed and fucked my misery away. 

There was this malay boy messaged me asking me to come over to his place, where it was just 2 km away. I thought to myself "why not, since it is quite near." I awaited for his reply of his address and unit number before I decided to make my move. Took him a 10-minutes before he replied. I wasn't really into Malay guys these days due to their poor attitudes. But I was itching for a fuck, so begger cant be a chooser. 

It took me 10 minutes to arrive at his place. 

"I have arrived. So you said you live at level 4, but which unit number?" I queried. 

"You will see it when you reached that level." He replied.

It arose my suspicion. I wondered if he was real. I was too tired to think and just went with it.

When I arrived, there were 4 different units of apartment.

"So which ones? There are 4 units. 410?"

"Yes, just come in the door is unlocked."

But the unit 410 was locked with gate. I replied back, "is it 412?"

"Yes, come in."

I reached for the doorknob, and turned, the door was unlocked, I walked into a fully furnished living room, but no one was there. In my mind, I thought he could be playing dirty games by stripping naked waiting for my entrance to his room.

I tried opening the first room near the kitchen - it was a storeroom. Then followed by the next room, a whole ass family was on bed just chilling. The lady, which i presumed the wife, was in stunned for a few seconds before she realized in shocked there was a stranger intruding their home. I quickly closed the door and walked out. Later on, the husband and his son were yelling me to stop, I panicked. I ran down to my car. I thought of igniting my car and drove away as soon as possible, but I was halted by them, yelling and smashing pole on my car. I locked the car door for safety. The passerby stopped them from going violent on my car. One of the passerby approached me and asked what happened. I told them the truth that I was meeting someone and he tricked me into entering the house. I even showed them the grindr chat history. At the point of time, there is no point hiding my intention but telling the whole truth even though they are conservative Malays. I told them grindr is for men2men hookup, I was trying to meet up this malay fellow and ended I was scammed into entering the wrong house. 

The owner did not want to let it go, decided to involve police enforcement to settle the situation. I beg for him not to escalate the situation. But he said that I trespassed and this was no small matter - what if you bring bad intention to us when you entered our house? 

I quickly screenshot the chat history in grindr before he blocked me. As expected, after i told him I was in trouble, he blocked me. 

We waited for 20 minutes for the police enforcement. I told him the whole truth, with the screenshot of the chat. The police officer was sensible and told the owner that this issue can be solved amicably since I was a victim of prank. And I was admonished that I should not enter anyone's house without the owner opening the door for you. I apologize profusely to the owner for the mistakes I made although the owner has already decided to settle it amicably before the police came.

I drove back home and showered. I was in turmoil of shock. It was 12am. I lay on my bed, tossing and turning around. I just could not put my mind to sleep. The snowball of the bad thing kept on rolling. 

The Worst Kept Coming - Part 1

Dear Zach,

Barely 6 months into 2025, I have already encountered what it feels like to have a mid-life crisis. Things happened so much over the course of last 2 weeks.

I failed to meet the expectation of my very first client in my graphic design work. Mainly because there was so much miscommunication over the whatsapp chat, even though I did what he asked, he never seemed to satisfy with what I did for him. Towards the end, there was some dispute over some outcome which may cost him a bit, he willing to forfeit his deposit fund and not willing to pay the remaining amount of the budget to me ... ... if I did what he told. I sent him a last email telling him "take care, wish you all the best in your future endeavor" which means "I ain't doing shit til you pay me or else go fuck yourself".

At the same time dealing with him, I was dealing with my mum's cancer. She was in pain on her hips for the last few weeks, she barely can walk. I spent most of my time at home taking care of her daily needs while she remained stationary at a comfortable place. My mum cancer's diagnosis was last year October. It was a metastasized cancer from the breast cancer, which she had 2 years ago and it was removed and treated, to the left hips of the bones. The pains was mild in the beginning of last year and, gradually, the pain was getting more and more as the months went by. By September, the doctor did a few testing on her found out there was a localized mass around the hips. It was hard to accept for my mum and my family as we did not expect it came back so soon. We started treatment by November. Somehow the treatment seemingly working for her. Only the recent pains was so intense out of the blue, last week she cannot move at all laying on her bed, crying in pain. My heart sank when I saw her suffering, so I called the ambulance and took her into ER. X-ray came out she has fracture on her left-hips. She has to be operated to replace the fractured part. We have been in and out of the hospital to visit her as much as we could while waiting for her turn of operation date. I wish her well at my best.

When things could not get anymore worst, this happened one week before my mum's admission to hospital, my 70-year-old dad fell flat his head on the floor while mopping the floor. We were away when he fell. Blood gushing out. It was a major public holiday, clinics are closed for the day. I was frantically driving around in searching for clinic. In the end, we found one. The doc did stitches on him. My heart went out for him when he cried in pain as he has to endure such incident at this age of life. 

Bad things did not stop there, I was the next victim... ... 

to be cont...

6 Years Gap - I Return Here Again

Dear Zach,

Never in a million year would I thought that I would write on this blog again. 

MIA for 6 years, neither a long time, nor a short duration. There were days I wanted to come back and write. The lack of discipline and motivation, and depression, and failures in life that had halted me from writing on this blank page. I return to this page because I am in a difficult stage of my life where I literally failed in my life and career and in desperate need a place to vent. 

I wish I could describe what had happened to me over the past 6 years since my last post - I could write a book about it. Literally and figuratively. A lot had happened. A lot. I could write them down here without sleep. But that ain't gonna happen. I will tell. But not now. 

I am unsure if my fellow readers are still reading blogs these days. Some of my readers had become my fans of my adult content in twitter - which is now no longer exist. When scroll through my posts, I can't believe I have survived throughout the years til now - apart from that the 6-years gap. I wish I could reminisce my days before 2019, but it gonna take me an emotional roller coaster ride that gonna make my tear drops. I have been crying a lot lately.

It is fine if my readers are long gone. At least what i am writing now is just for my own record. For what I believe, things happened for a good reason.

Til then,

to be cont. ...