It is exactly one month after my mum passed. There is a day that I will miss her without going by. The house has been oddly quiet. Dad is back to his usual self and seems like enjoying his own company. These days I spend most of my time at the gym in the morning and afternoon at home. My aunt sent her regards to us asking how are we coping. I told her we are coping well. We have accepted the fact the loss of my mum way before she passed.
Last 2 weeks, I went to the photography shop to print out a stacks of photo to be put into several albums. I am not sure about the years they were taken, but I filtered them out by looking how young we were in that photos. I bought extra 2 albums which have 300 pockets each. Then I categorized them with a paper tape attached at the bind of the albums with "Beyond 2000","Beyond 2010", and "Beyond 2020". Three decades worth of memories are all lied inside of them in chronological order. I flip through each page seeing how we all had grown up and grown old, leaving smiles and memories behind in every single photos, telling us how precious our life is.
Sometimes I would go inside my parents room, holding my mum's picture on the top of her favorite drawer desk, and swept away some dust on her now empty bed, just to remind myself how unreal life could be as 2 months ago, she was still laying and breathing on this very bed. I get a pang of loss and a lump in my throat when I look around.
On the other note, I have been thinking of going back to study. I have been detached from the scene of education for 10 years. I am not sure going back to study would be a viable option. Partly because getting a job now is impossible for me as I have to take care of my 70 year-old dad who is having hearing loss. So, working 9-5 is out of the question. I thought of going back to art freelancing. But I realized it didn't work well to me last year, so I don't see the point venture back to it as to make myself profitable loss. Other freelancing gigs require working experience and one have to spend most of the time outside. I thought of returning to sex working gig, but I do not dare to risk myself getting reported and caught as there is so much news on the social media where there are quite a number of local sex workers being reported and arrested for soliciting sex. To get a sugar daddy seems impossible to me as I am an introvert and can't leave dad alone for long when they have sexual needs to be fulfilled all day.
Tell me, what should I do now?
I had to think about this. Here are some thoughts:
ReplyDelete1. Sex work, be it actual sex, OF, or sugar baby has an expiration date. You can't do this for ever. You will eventually "age out", and then what? When you turn 40, the sugar daddy may dismiss you for a younger guy. Maybe it's ok to pay some bills now, but not a long term solution.
2. Go back to school. Possibly a good solution, but for what? Has to be something you like AND something in demand you can make money from.
3. Freelance/gig work. Is this selling art? It seemed you liked this. Question, is anyone making money selling art? If lots of people are exhibiting at art shows, then some of them must be making money. Go talk to them. Ask how are you making money? Maybe this would work if you adjusted your business model.
Does your dad really need you to be there all day long? If so, it limits your options. Can you talk to him about what he needs from you? I understand you want to take care of him, but you need a solution for yourself. I'm sure your dad wants that too.
I think you are at a turning point in your life, and I wish you all the best in figuring out your next move!