Dear Zach,
Two weeks ago, we met in the gym locker in an oddly hour, where everyone was at work but only me and you at the gym locker room, you blow-drying yourself after shower while I was about to change into gym attire. I stole a glance of you at your nicely built physique, you threw a glance at me as if someone was caught watching you. I looked away and busy with my stuff. You looked at me, and initiated a chat with me, in which it truly surprised me. You asked for my number after having a short chat about working out together next time. I did give it to you. I don't know why.
We had each other's number. We text. We hang out. We made out. But we didn't make love. We both know the reason why. I really like you, more than I ever thought I would. "I've missed you", hoping you would say it back to me. But you didn't. It's okay. I don't mind showing my true feeling to you. I tried very hard to resist telling the parts and pieces of me when you asked. But I did. You didn't mind about my dirty little secret and my dirty little past.
In the space of two weeks, thing went wrong but you were the one who made it right. And you didn't mind to be with me knowing how my life almost on the verge of ruining away. You were the one who stood by me and gave me advice I needed the most, admonished me when necessary. Maybe because you are two times of my age, on the boundary of entering late 40s, I listen to you willingly.
You have your dream. I suddenly feel like I want to be the one by your side when you are pursuing your dream. You told me you want to grow old with your partner, and stay together living a simple life. Everything was fit right in place until you told me last night about an interview - a job that would require you to stay far apart from me, a distance I don't like. From that moment, I wondered if the words you said to me were true. It gives me the benefits of doubt. But I was being noble last night, telling you that if it is what you want in future, then I can't stop you. You told me not to think too much. How could I not think about it?
I wish I could try harder to convince him to stay. For me. For both of us. But I didn't do that. I can't be selfish. I wished him best of luck in his interview today. I know it's time to let it go before I get hurt too deep. The last text I sent to him was, "I've missed you a lot."
xx
