Oddly Quiet

Dear Zach,

My house is peacefully quiet now. With only me and my dad in the house, we slowly adapt to living our life just the two of us. I can tell that my dad is relief. But I know he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he would say that "it is awfully quiet now..." as compared to few weeks ago when my late mum was in bed, the vibrating sound of the oxygen tank in the room rattling across the living room. Now, the tranquility in our home has settled us into new sense of unease. It is not a bad thing, but it is hard to accept that we will have to come to the terms that this uneasiness will always and be forever around. Sometimes I would walk into mum's room, holding one of the photo frames, looking at her smiling through the picture, telling her about my day with a lump in throat and teary eyes.

My phone's notification is awfully silent now. Before my late mum died, I received messages every other day asking about my mum's condition and whatnot. Now that she passed, all the messages have stopped. I am glad because I am tired of it. 

During my late mum's wake, I did post a whatsapp story about my mum obituary. I would at least expect my regular fuck buddy would send me a condolence as I did to his late grandma few months back. I also did not receive any condolence messages from a close friend of mine. Or anyone if that matters. I was disappointed, especially at my long term regular fuck buddy. Funny how vulnerable moments like this truly shows who the true friends are. I realized I have no one at all. To them, I was just a bottom who is great in sex. Probably I should have sent them a message. But I am a very passive guy - making a move telling my mum's passing to my gay hook ups is the last thing I would want to do. I did try to engage my regular fuck buddy again for sex meet up few days ago. We were not able to meet up for the past 3 months - it was either he busy, or accident came up when we planned for the day, or I wasn't free for that moment. I asked "wanna have sex today?", he said "nope". That was my last straw. I am done asking and begging. I have made efforts so many times and everytime he seemed to be lack of interest. Same goes to my one close friend, whenever I tried to strike up a text conversation, he seems monotonous to my reply. Just because I have no interest having sex with you again so I deserved to get treated like this? I was upset at myself when I thought I was becoming close to them turned out I was dead wrong and they used me only for sex. I removed their contacts from my phone book and hide their chat history into archives. I deserve better.

I scrolled past my whatsapp contacts, I realized I have no friend at all. But mostly are just acquaintances. Time like this I got no one else to talk to but to write on my blog instead.