Dance The Night

 

Dear Zach,

It was Saturday night and happened to be a public holiday on that day, everyone should come out to party.

If had I been not cordially and best-friendedly invited by my best friend for her 23th birthday bash in Zouk Club, I would have done the usual same old routine like what my Saturdays usually were – doing nothing. It had been months since my last clubbing experience and I was very looking forward to go there again.

The crowds were getting more by the time of 12.30 a.m.. Zouk club had never ceased to amaze me with the appearance of handsome guys. I would say 80% of the club were filled with decent-looking guys. So it was fun to look at some eye candies while dancing on the dance floor. And girls, of course, dressed sexy as hell. Very very attractive I have to admit. There’s small group of us at the corner table in the main room, drinking and pissing off.

There was one guy, who is one of my best friend’s friend, in his midst-20s caught my eyes instantly when we met. He is attractive, well built, very good-looking. My inner subconscious raised its suspicion of this guy whether he’s one of us. Moment later, I tapped Vic shoulder and talked loudly over the music in her ears.

“That guy quite not bad eh,” I said.

“Yeah? He’s bisexual.” she said, I gaped at her momentarily.

I knew it! Guy like him should be either gay or bisexual.

“He told you?”

“I heard it from someone else.” She noticed my reaction. “Go for him. Who knows he might be interested in you.” She gave a playful smile.

“Is he single?”

“Apparently, yes.”

“Oh then. Maybe I will. Try.”

As much as I wanted to, we just exchanged a few niceties and then I went to the dance floor dancing. I was not sure he’s too good for me or otherwise, I just didn’t have the intention to get to know someone yet. My sole intention was to enjoy the night. I didn’t bother much if he’s gay or whatsoever, I just want to enjoy my night.

It was really cool to be able to dance together on the dance floor with those hot chicks. Boyy.. they got moves. Too bad the crowds were quite dead. I wasn’t sure if they standing at the side of the dance floor side-seeing or just wanted to stand there for the whole night.

Anyway, I was happy.

 

xx

Let Him Go

 

Dear Zach,

It felt so real. So warm. I was confused.

Him clasping my hand. As much as I wanted to let him go, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I’d never felt this way. It felt so special, loving, and happy for the first time in my life.

I’ve had never thought we would ever meet again. I am not sure what’s the reason he holds my hand - I am not sure if I want to know.

I had removed everything about him from my life. I was almost forgetting about him. Now, here it was, him holding my hand, strolling around the mall regardless the disapproval stare from people.

Why? Why did he do this?

I held on tight his hand. I didn’t ever want to let go.

I brought his hand closer to my nose, inhaling the sense of him. I want to be with him this way.

Deep down we both knew we can’t be this way. He had someone else waiting for him far away. He can’t do this to him and to me.

A ray of light shinning through the window to my eyes.

I was blinded by the ray of light. He was backing apart from me. I was losing him in the blindness of light.

It was now or never – I let him go.

 

 

I jerked my eyes wide open. A big patch of moisture on my pillow resulting from my drooling in my sleep.

It was just a dream. My heart was pounding.

 

 

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad?

x

Negative Thing Isn’t Always Bad

 

Dear Zach,

Today I got a call from the clinic saying that my STD/HIV results were in. I wasn’t nervous about it. Not at all.

When I was driving to the gym after work, I was thinking about the probability and possibility of what the results would be.

Positive?

Negative?

Reactive?

Non-reactive?

I didn’t give much thought about it. I just pretend it doesn’t matter even though it was.

Right after gym, I drove to the clinic at usual pace. Walked into the clinic and asked for my report.

“Hi. I am here to collect my report.” I said, expecting her to know what report was. Instead, she said: “What report?”

There were two elderly parents standing beside me, turned their head to me, I held my tongue before I blurted out STD report.

“Ermm… report,” I said, “I did blood test on last Monday.”

“For full body checkup?”

“No. Ya. Erm.. No.” I stuttered. As if on cue, there was another nurse walked in and overheard what we were talking. She said: “Oh. You. I called you today, right?” She turned to the first nurse and said, “The STD report. Did you see it?”

I really wanted to drive my fist across the glasswall and punch these nurses. Can’t you be discreet about this?!

She went inside and then retrieved my report.

“Do you want to consult the doctor?” She handed over my report. I quickly scanned it.

“No. I am fine. Thanks.” I went outside of the clinic.

I read for the second time. Third time. Fourth time. To make sure I comprehend the report.

I exhaled a relief.

Sometimes good things have to come with negative.

Her Kinks And Sexy Lingerie

 

Dear Zach,

I have to admit this – I am really petrified of women. Imagine my horror when I came across this realization that I got dragged into a sexy lingerie shop, asking opinion about how sexy the laces is on the body of my best friend. The initial plan was that she told me over the dinner she wanted to buy a handcuff as either birthday or Christmas present for her boyfriend. She was watching me almost choking down my meatball when I heard what she just said.

“That is kinky,” I said, couldn’t recover from the shock when she told me she had bought a flogger with her boyfriend and immensely enjoyed the sensational sexual pain from it.

“Indeed! But now I want to try handcuffing.” She looked exciting. I feel envious of her relationship with his boyfriend. They basically had sex all over the place in the house almost every weekend. Now they are trying something even more further from having plain vanilla sex. I am jealous. They are practically implementing the whole Fifty-shades fiction into reality. She is now one step ahead of me in doing that. I thought I was the sex expertise; the table has turned, she is the sex expertise now.

After our dinner, I got dragged into the sexy lingerie shop, searching for handcuff. But what caught her attention was the sexy lacy lingerie which has bare minimum coverage and is almost see-through. Basically, it barely covers the boobs and vagina. I wondered around awkwardly in the shop while she tried it on in the fitting room, browsing the extremely sexy lingerie, figuring out the sexual appeal of it the straight men love about. Some of it I had really no idea what it is and is supposed to cover. All I ever know that the minimum the coverage of the pieces, the higher the price is. I have to admit that these lingerie are really provocative, no doubt men love them. Unfortunately, I don’t.

Moment later, she grabbed the pieces of lingerie with joy to the pay counter and decided to buy this as a surprise present. By surprise, she is gonna wear it on and surprise the living day out of his boyfriend, so that he can either strip it off himself or just screw her with it on her.

Boy boy .. I did not know girls nowadays can be so imaginative and kinky.

xx

Jack’d Conversation Peeves

 

Dear Zach,

Sometimes when you got to know about people, they would hopelessly disappoint you in ways you could never have expected it to be. They can really sabotage your confidence in any ways by shaming you with profanities about how shitty ugly you are no matter how ugly you already are, just because they could not get laid from you.

What the world has become?

I am no patient man – albeit I am trying my best to practice being patient as humanly possible. But sometimes people have to know their boundary before pushing one to edge with tons of questions/requests about anything related to sex. I got really frustrated with people who keep asking the same thing when I had said I don’t have it. Yet they could still repeat the damn thing again til the point I blocked them.

My responses are always straightforward – one of the bad perks being Taurus. I am no good in articulation but relatively good in words. So when I reply to any emails or message, I may have sounded curtly or from the text you can read between the lines that I am direct-to-points-with-no-bullshit-allowed kind of way, in other word – stern. Hence, people in Jack’d especially, got scared off or fed up with my stern response, they would go unattended for the conversation. I couldn’t be bothered anyway – it’s not like we gonna be friends.

Speaking of friends, do you claim to be friend with some stranger over some random text with hint of hookup intention? Is this how friends claim to be? It’s funny because after a few line of texts with a random guy on Jack’d, very naturally he had claimed we both had become friends. I don’t even fucking know who the fuck you are, so how on earth can I be ‘friend’ with you? I usually refer them as acquaintance. These people were no more than a random acquaintance whom I don’t intend to be friend with. 

As you must know, I have a very few friends. Very very few. You may very likely think I am such a weirdo who have friends number lesser than my family member of four, I couldn’t not be bothered at all. I never fancy buddy-buddy around with strangers.

Bare with me if I ever come across rudely. I am trying my best to be nice but sometimes people can be annoying as fuck.

Most Hilariously Awkward Consultation With Doctor

 

Dear Zach,

I pushed the door open and walked into the clinic, and was welcomed with the familiar chilly antiseptic-filled air blown across my face. I looked around noticing only a few patients waiting to be consulted. I walked to the counter for registration. A Filipino lady, who is in her midst-thirty, was interrupted by me before she could speak.

“Hi. Does this clinic provide full-body checkup?” Knowing damn well my sole intention was nothing other than full-body checkup. I just did not want to jump to the point by blurting out loud about my intention of coming here.

“Oh. Yes. We do. It includes everything – it costs around 100 bucks or so.” She said. I really do hope she continue on explaining the everything; but she did not. She was looking at me expectantly, cueing me for further enquiry so that she can bring me to the doctor and ask him himself.

I mustered my courage for my following query, embarrassed or not, I just have to do this. I moved closer to the small hole in glass wall in between us, trying to low down my voice as low as humanly possible for not wanting other patient in the room to find out what I am about to do.

“Do you do STD and HIV test?” I whispered.

She looked at me for a brief moment. Her face gave nothing away. I was wondering if she heard what I just said or pretended to have heard what I just said but trying hard not to acknowledge it. Split second later, she spoke.

“Yes. We do test for STD.”

“What about HIV?” I was so nervous I blurted it out something sounded like X-ray.

“No. We don’t provide X-ray service. If you want we can write u a letter to the hospital.” And then she heard it X-ray.

“No! Not X-ray. It’s HIV.” I whispered loudly. Too loudly. I was trying my best to whisper a low as possible. But it was an epic failure. My face turned scarlet.

“Yes. We do too.” She nodded. “Do you want to consult doctor?”

I hesitated for a while. Since I was here, why not just get the deed done. I agreed and walked to the benches, and slumped my tiring body from work on it. I waited patiently for my turn to call.

As half an hour had gone, I started to feel aggravated and hungry. The two prostitutes, who were so pale that I thought they had dipped into a tank of white paint or something, sitting beside me talking in their own dialect very loudly. My head was throbbing and I felt frustrated that I wanna drive my fist through the glass wall and punch nurses.

5 minutes after, my name was called and I entered the room to find a midst-55th year old Sikh doctor, with a turban on his head and long-white beard, waiting for me.

“So, what’s wrong?” He turned to me.

“I want to do STD and HIV checkup.” I said matter-of-factly.

“What?” I don’t blame him for bad hearing at this age of his.

“I want to do blood test for STD and HIV.” I repeated patiently.

“Oh I see. Okay. okay. Well, there’s a few packages. Which one do you want to do? There’s the cheapest one - RM80”

“What’s the cheapest one consists of?” I was flabbergasted by the fact that there’s a cheapest checkup for this.

“Hmmm.. HIV and two STD diagnosis.”

“That’s it?! What about the expensive one?”

“That costs RM200. It includes diagnosis of chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea ….”

“Okay. I want this package.” I interrupted him before he explained what I exactly knew what I want.

“Alright then. I will go and get ready.”

He stood up and moved to the cabinet to retrieve a sterilized needle and syringe in preparation for blood extraction.

“Why do you want to check?” He asked, trying to make a conversation to ease my nerves down.

“Just want to be safe and sure about my health.” I answered with pride.

“Ya.. it’s better to check it. You know you young fellows love to screw around a lot.” He looked at me. I could sense the humor but all I could do was to smile back politely. “ Not only guys love to screw around. Even nowadays girls also go screw around with different guys.” I gaped at him. Did he just say what I thought he said?

“Most of the girls now are not satisfied with their boyfriends. They have needs and they go and seek other guys to fulfill it.” He continued talking about this as if it is the most common conversation between a stranger patient and a doctor. He didn’t realize how awkward it had become when the nurses walking around us as he was exuberantly talking about sex. My face turned scarlet red. I couldn’t bare the thought of joyfully talking about sex with this old doctor as much as I love to talk about sex. And I couldn’t bare the thought that this old doctor was so happy to talk about sex in front of his patient. I just can’t. He didn’t to be bothered by the whole situation, he poked the needle into my vein and continued talking.

“Many of them now want a bigger penis. Size matters for them now. Big dick can make them high. But big dick is not enough still, they want guys who are good in bed, longer lasting, so that they can keep their own orgasm going on and on. They want hours and hours of orgasm. Not a pencil dick with low stamina. Hmmm. Naughty girls heh? Especially black guy, big and juicy, can keep on fuck and fuck and fuck non-stop. That’s what the girls want nowadays. That’s why I always see chinese girl with black boyfriend coming in to the clinic. They want guys that great in bed. Sex life is never boring, Son. That’s sex life.”

I think I had just gone expired. I was flabbergasted and left speechless by his VERY open-minded thought of female. I did not know what to say but I could only do was to give some occasional fake laugh. The nurses, who were walking around the room putting down notes and stuff on his desk while he talked animatedly about orgasms, seemed to be oblivious to what the conversation was about, even if they did they pretended to be dumb. Or they could have played so stupid well for not knowing what orgasms is – they might as well get an Oscar for best acting role.

“Doctor, do you want his urine?” A nurse interrupted him. Thank goodness, I had been saved. Or else he would have continued on giving me a lecture about the climax of big dicks and orgasms. Or later on he would have shown me his gigantic anatomy to me.

“Yes. I need this young man’s urine. Off you go, Son.”

“T-Thanks.” I scurried off to the toilet to fill up the small bottle with my urine.

Jesus. That was the most awkward consultation I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was totally peculiar haha.

xx

Unsuccessful Trips

 

Dear Zach,

I had planned a few trips for myself going on vacation in different places before my internship started. The most nearest place of all was Penang – I certainly did mention about backpacking to Penang alone few months ago. Unfortunately, I did not make it. Because when there comes the financial planning, it was totally out of my designated budget – I would have to spend more than I had ever intended to. Since I was still a student and my financial status had not been established well enough, I’ve had to cancel the plan and move on. It is not a great idea to be spending more than RM500 to be travelling just for the sake of enjoying the idea of backpacking. It is an expensive notion but .. nah .. I’m not gonna do it til I establish my foundation. Besides, I am still holding some grudge against everything about Penang – I secretly hate everything from Penang. 

I feel a little bit envious seeing my college mates always on-to-go. The idea for them is to live young while they can – work hard, play hard. The idea sounds tempting and motivating for them; for me this idea is just plain dumb. I don’t believe in that. How hard are you going to play? How young are you going to stay?

Right now, my main priority is to get a decent proper job with proper income. I think I will gonna have to spend my entire twenties working my ass off for a better life that I envision it to be.

16 Personality Test

 

Dear Zach,

I had stumbled upon a blog and found out this page about personality test. I have done multiple types of personality test and I could say most of it are partially accurate. Having that being said, this page I found is so much precise and 100% accurate as if it’s formulated to read you or something. This page is called http://www.16personalities.com/ . You guys should give it try to see what it says about your personality.

As for mine, I have the rarest type amongst of all 16 personality. I couldn’t help but secretly celebrated inside that I am the rarest type of person in the universe. My personality is INFJ – I’d no idea what the hell it stands for.

Here’s a short summary copied from the page about this type of personality.

The INFJ personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. As Diplomats (NF), they have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is the accompanying Judging (J) trait – INFJs are not idle dreamers, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact. It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. INFJs take great care of other’s feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days.

And there are many more explanatories about your personality as such how strength and weakness, romantic relationship, friendship, workplace, etc to be able to shape you as who you are. Of course, the most importantly I fast-forwarded to romantic relationship to check out what it says about it.

When it comes to romantic relationships, INFJs take the process of finding a partner seriously. Not ones for casual encounters, people with the INFJ personality type instead look for depth and meaning in their relationships. INFJs will take the time necessary to find someone they truly connect with – once they’ve found that someone, their relationships will reach a level of depth and sincerity that most people can only dream of.

Getting to that point can sometimes be a challenge for potential partners, especially if they are the impatient type, as INFJs are often perfectionistic and picky. People with this personality type aren’t easily talked into something they don’t want, and if someone doesn’t pick up on that, it’s a trespass that is unlikely to be forgiven, particularly in the early stages of dating. Even worse is if a suitor tries to resort to manipulation or lying, as INFJs will see right through it, and if there’s anything they have a poor tolerance for in a relationship, it is inauthenticity.

INFJs will go out of their way to seek out people who share their desire for authenticity, and out of their way to avoid those who don’t, especially when looking for a partner. All that being said, INFJs often have the advantage of desirability – they are warm, friendly, caring and insightful, seeing past facades and the obvious to understand others’ thoughts and emotions.

INFJs are enthusiastic in their relationships, and there is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. INFJs aren’t afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally, creating a depth to the relationship that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with INFJs are not for the uncommitted or the shallow.

When it comes to intimacy, INFJs look for a connection that goes beyond the physical, embracing the emotional and even spiritual connection they have with their partner. People with the INFJ personality type are passionate partners, and see intimacy as a way to express their love and to make their partners happy. INFJs cherish not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person, in mind, body and soul.

Frankly, I didn’t have to speak for myself and they had done the deed for me so good I did not expect that my future life that being visualized for so long in my head had been spoken out. I thought I am the weirdest person of all for not wanting a commitment and always want to be alone for all the time. Simply because I still have not found the right one yet to be spending the rest of my lives with. Relationships with me are not for shallow.

Can’t wait to hear the feedbacks from y’all.

x 

Gay Blogosphere Is Dying Down

 

Dear Zach,

It seems to me the trend of blogging is starting to die down. Well, it had been died down ever since I started blogging in few years back. I can see a lot of people blogging about Travels/Food/Fashion in a way so that they would be able to shoot to fame. While blogs with personal thoughts and journey had never been so much popularized. Not to mention anonymous gay blogs who put up their thought about breakup and heartbreak in three or five separated posts, in which it makes people feeling much sadder reading it when them themselves already have so much in mind to stress about.

There are a few fellow bloggers who had once wrote me an email saying I was their inspiration to them to start a blog. I was stoked the fact that my writing could inspire people to write down about their struggles with lives in a public page where everyone can view. Of course, with no doubt I constantly check on them for updates, only to have four or five posts at most for the week itself, then they had gone AWOL for weeks, months, and years. No new posts. No nothing. I was kind of disappointed by the reality. Maybe my inspiration had reached its toll in an effort of inspiring them, I couldn’t blame them for not being able to blog consistently in life. So much for the inspiration.

Since I quit playing Facebook, I tend to focus more on blogging than anything else. I am always on constant checker of new post from bloggers I followed, and leaving comments if necessary. Even for the regulars blogger they seem to have gone missing for months already. The posts by them getting lesser by months until none. Just sad to know there is not much of gay blogs floating around these days.

Don’t worry. I won’t be gone AWOL like the others.

xx

Muddy Road

 

Dear Zach,

Walking up the muddy uphill, one step at a time, with a pink umbrella holding on my right, cautiously attempting to walk on the rocky path where my foot doesn’t sink into the moisture sand that caused by the heavy rain.

Slowly.

Carefully.

Trying my best as I could to be finding dried pavement to be able to step foot on and continue walking, as if I was hopping one rock to another on the rock across the river, attempting not to fall off into the river.   

Walking. Continued walking up. Not giving up for finding ways to get my shoes dried before reaching the top.

Only few steps more.

I continued walking. Walking as if there’s a goal ahead of me to be reached.

I reached the top. I looked down at my shoes, though it stained with bits of mud, it was dry.

I gave out a satisfying exhale, am pleased with my achievement.

Life is full of obstacles. No matter how muddy your road is, somehow you would have to take risks to move forward with right way.

xx

How could I even smile now?

 

Dear Zach,

Having a smile on your face makes you approachable and friendlier. It’s true.

But I’ve hardly done it. It’s just too tiring to work out the edge of my lips to be curving upward, pretending I am more than fine when I was having a bad day.

I never pretended to be happy. I set my mouth in grim line when I am upset; I am happy when I feel happy. Too much smiling people may start to think you are such a phony. Because no one in the right mind would constantly smiling in facing whatever ahead of him. Maybe there is.

I want to smile. But I couldn’t with everything stressed up and the work I hated so much.

I couldn’t smile – with the news about petrol price increased another 20 cents. Which is fucking absurd.

I couldn’t smile because the rich will get richer; the poor will get poorer.

I couldn’t smile because I will have a very bad year next year as predicted by the lady temple.

With all those negativities stuffing inside my throat, I am lucky enough not to be suffocated by that. How could I even smile now?