Why Me?

Dear Zach,

Two weeks ago, we met in the gym locker in an oddly hour, where everyone was at work but only me and you at the gym locker room, you blow-drying yourself after shower while I was about to change into gym attire. I stole a glance of you at your nicely built physique, you threw a glance at me as if someone was caught watching you. I looked away and busy with my stuff. You looked at me, and initiated a chat with me, in which it truly surprised me. You asked for my number after having a short chat about working out together next time. I did give it to you. I don't know why. 

We had each other's number. We text. We hang out. We made out. But we didn't make love. We both know the reason why. I really like you, more than I ever thought I would. "I've missed you", hoping you would say it back to me. But you didn't. It's okay. I don't mind showing my true feeling to you. I tried very hard to resist telling the parts and pieces of me when you asked. But I did. You didn't mind about my dirty little secret and my dirty little past. 

In the space of two weeks, thing went wrong but you were the one who made it right. And you didn't mind to be with me knowing how my life almost on the verge of ruining away. You were the one who stood by me and gave me advice I needed the most, admonished me when necessary. Maybe because you are two times of my age, on the boundary of entering late 40s, I listen to you willingly. 

You have your dream. I suddenly feel like I want to be the one by your side when you are pursuing your dream. You told me you want to grow old with your partner, and stay together living a simple life. Everything was fit right in place until you told me last night about an interview - a job that would require you to stay far apart from me, a distance I don't like. From that moment, I wondered if the words you said to me were true. It gives me the benefits of doubt. But I was being noble last night, telling you that if it is what you want in future, then I can't stop you. You told me not to think too much. How could I not think about it? 

I wish I could try harder to convince him to stay. For me. For both of us. But I didn't do that. I can't be selfish. I wished him best of luck in his interview today. I know it's time to let it go before I get hurt too deep. The last text I sent to him was, "I've missed you a lot."

xx

Take Me, Will You?

Dear Zach,

Sometimes I just need a hug, a pat on my back, telling me how much I'm worth to you. Sometimes I just want to be close to you, and be with you day and night, no matter how strong and independent I am. Sometimes I just want to hold you in the street, and kiss you on the dance floor. I wish it could be like that. 

Sometimes. Just sometimes.  

Night.

xx

Rolling In The Deep

Dear Zach,

Rolling into February wasn't feeling that good at all. Partly because knowing the fact that there will be another 10 more months to the end of the year. I was in my right mind thinking about this because I really can't wait to see how I will have become in the forthcoming months. The kickstart of February wasn't as slay as Beyonce's performance in the half time superbowl 50. I am starting to be picking up my job gradually after working for one and a half month. And it's starting to test my patience. And my patience set my teeth on edge. I caught up with flu for the last whole week, constantly popping pills to get better in welcoming the festive season of CNY celebration. And I don't feel festive at all. Not particularly this celebration but every festive season. By this, I can conclude that I am not festive person at all. I haven't had sex for 9 days. Not sure if hooking up in gym shower room counts. But there's no anal-intercourse involved. I did ask my fuck buddies if he's available. Most of them caught up with something. Well, I guess I'm gonna be celibate for this one whole month.  

Need A Breather

Dear Zach,

It had been a sexful month for me. Apart from being productive at work and gym, my sex life was as good as it can be. It's like an addiction to it. It's very exhausting and yet I am happy with it. I think I need to cool down from having too much of sex. I am not complaining. A month without sex would be good. I could distract myself from thinking about it. I wouldn't say that it's a rehab. At least it gives me some time to think about if I should be serious about getting a partner or continue hooking up. Yeah .. a month would do. I've survived two months without sex last year. A month wouldn't be a big deal for me.  

x

This Is Fucking

Dear Zach, 

This week was all about sex. I met this Aussie white guy from gay apps on Sunday. He was staying in a hotel just only 2 km away from my place. I was a bit insecure about meeting him. But I decided to give it a try. We met in his room. He was in his late-40s, tall, and physically look good at his age. We gave us a moment for small-talk. The next thing before I knew it, his tongue was all over me. Next thing I knew, he was on me. His cock was pleasurably huge to ride on. And I can feel his whole huge thing sliding in and out, had me moaning like hell. We agreed to meet again some day of the week before he left to his new apartment in town. So we agreed on Friday. On Wednesday night, right after gym, I was hunting for food in the mall. I bumped into him unexpectedly. We sat down and had a drink before I sent him back to his hotel room. When we arrived to his hotel, I suggested a quickie. He was so up for it. We fucked hard. And it was a quick one. On Friday, I met him right after gym. We cuddled in bed and talked. It was nice. Then we proceed to long foreplay. He was in his dominant mode. He tied my wrists up on the bed frame. I was spread wide across the bed. It was hot and erotic. And very BDSM-ish. We fucked. We made love. And we fucked again. In the end, he put a condom on me and asked me to penetrate him. I did. And he loved it. We came so hard on each other. After we cleaned ourselves up, we gave each other a long hug and kiss goodbye. We promised to meet again some time. There goes my week. 

xx

This Is Acting

Dear Zach,

Ever since I started working for a new company, I became a whole new different person. A person who only talks when time necessary. Or else I would just keep my mouth shut and do my own work at my own table. Ask question when only necessary. Most of the time my mouth is either shut or answering phone calls for work. I avoid talking too much to my colleagues for few reasons: 1) I don't feel like talking to them. As if talking to them in any way would reveal my true colors. 2) I don't want them to know about my personal details. The only detailed I once told was my educational and working background. And that's enough to cover all. 3) I just don't want to talk during working hours, which also leads back to reason 1. I pretend to be cool and highly capable to prove them that I was here to work, and serious about money. I turned down their offer to dinner for few times, partly because I don't really want to hang out with them, mainly because I don't want to skip the gym. I might act like a snob here. But I couldn't be bothered by that. As I said, I am here to work. And I am happy the way it is. I must be out of my mind.   

Thanks For Leaving

Dear Zach,

I always believe that leaving is not a good thing. It's a bad sign showing bad thing will happen. Detach, move apart, shift away, move away, pass away and many ways to show that leaving is not a good thing. I have this general feeling that leaving is sad. I always have. Especially my brother left to Singapore for work, I feel sad because one less family member is moving away from home. I didn't feel sad when one of my colleagues has left the job, that doesn't make any sense in account of what I mentioned just now, simply because he should have just left the company long ago due to its incompetency towards the job scope. Or simply put it that he's just plain dumb for not being able to do the simplest task. I do feel sad about people leaving me. That the fact I wasn't somebody that I used to be. They wanted me for sex because I was some cool guy at work. People are realistic. I don't blame them. I don't need people like them. I had good time with them. But good time has always come to the end. I feel sad when some friendships are fading away, in some sense it considered as leaving. We did not leave each other, it is the time that leave us growing apart, becoming strangers again. It's kinda sad to have looked through the conversation dated back few months ago and feeling nostalgic about the time we have. Friends that I used to hang out with have been reduced vast amount, and my phone has gone extra quiet these days - even receiving a simple text from a stranger would have made my day brighter. I always look at the screen of my phone secretly hoping that my crush would send me a text; only to have gotten some junk mails from Planetromeo.com . At least these junk mails were sent to care about my relationship status. I am grateful for them. I am also sad to get to know that one of my crushes is transferred back to his home country. Not that I am close with him, but we did like each other physically and have dinner once together when I was working with Fitness First. It occurs to me that when you decided to change your life, everything somehow will change. It's inevitable, but it's adaptable. Be it good or bad, it's just the way it is. Somehow you would have to let go of the past, and live in present. 

xx 

ICry

Dear Zach,

I woke up to the wave of responsibility descending on me. Because I did some math about my daily expenses the day before and realized that I need to take charge of the way I spend. I am no longer a teenager anymore. I am a fully-responsible adult who should take care of his family and himself, in which it had me zero into the matter of my daily expenses in correspondence to that of my hard-earned wages. After spending some time in subtracting, pathetically subtract is the only mathematical operation that can only be used in this especially when you are counting your money, I cried literally.