I am starting to become more self-conscious of my physique as I am leaning toward 90kg. Last check on Sunday, I am at 88kg. Although I have gained size overall, what makes me self-conscious about is my belly. It is not that kind of unhealthy overweight fat belly, but it is the kind when a person is consistently working out in the gym and increases his caloric intake steadily, the abs is eventually shielded by a layer of fat that is probably an inch thick. I suddenly have this sense of self-consciousness because I took a selfie in the front mirror and compared the picture I took 2 months ago, it has shown such a drastic change of my physique. However, seemingly some regular gym members start to notice my body changes and shower me with compliment.
Apart from that, I am getting less messages in Grindr now. When I get messages, they are mostly from scammers asking me if I want to have a friend and partner. I always use the most recent photos I took to put on my grindr profile. I never liked the idea of deceiving men with some old pic of me due to my insecurity just to get hookup. They either like the current me or don't. Same scenario applied to sauna visits, I can certainly feel the sense of being casted out when you are unfit.
I am starting to ponder on the thought of losing fat once I reach 90kg. But I am satisfied of how I look now for real. I can finally see some meat on my bones. My ass cheeks are getting plump and rounder. It took me almost a year to finally get here, I do not want to lose all of it just because of what other mean gays say. I am gonna delete Grindr anyway. I've had more action with men from sauna instead.
I always wanted to be muscular. If being unfit and fat is what it takes to become one, I would rather to be uncomfortable for now so that I can be comfortable with what I will achieve later in life.
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