Changing Who I am

 Dear Zach,

Over the weekend, my brother flew in with his family to visit our mum while she was still hospitalized til today. Although she was allowed to be discharged on Saturday, unfortunately, the requirement to discharge her was that we need to obtain oxygen support aid for her or else she will be back VERY soon to the wad. We were frantically asking around and making calls for the aids support. However, nothing comes cheap. I have talked to a few supplier, they quoted me a bomb. Sadly, the hospice care ,whom they frequently come and check on my mum, was off over the weekend. So the best scenario for that moment, I persuaded my mum to stay at hospital til Monday. She was upset but it was the best thing to do.

My nephew and niece were a nightmare in the house - running and screaming over toys. My sis-in-law was screaming down at them all the time. It is a great reminder to me that I am glad to be gay for now and forever - I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and hole, despise kids with passion. I am not great with kids. Kids don't like me. I don't care because I don't like them either - never will be. They were cute when they were babies; but when they grew up they are anything but cute. They reinforce my intention of never wanting to have kid all the more if I ever got married. I can't deal with them. I just can't. 

I sat down with my brother to have some serious talk about mum and dad and, also, me. Somehow he was told about the quarrel between me and my dad. I was told that I have a strong attitude since growing up, the world does not revolve around me, it's either I change to suit the society or the society detest you. I admit that I am an emotional guy with strong sense of attitude. I speak about the truth; I never liked to sugarcoat because it is pointless and fake. I am quiet on my own, but when I speak I speak lethal. That's why people who know me, they confide in me because i spoke about the truth. Many dislike me; some would respect me. This is who I am. But to change myself to fit in so that I can be likeable, I have tried that when I was employed. I was likeable, but it shattered me because I was trying to fit in rather than trying hard to do my job. I listened to my brother admonishment attentively, I did not resort to any self-defensive argument. I just listened to him. He's my only brother after all. He took over the process of preparing our mum's funeral - which was a relief for me and my dad.