Uncertainty

Dear Zach,

9 years later, this post I wrote still hit me hard to my core.

I have survived through the pandemic, the recession, the downs, and the lows. After all these years, I still can't believe I am still alive and well writing this.

I am still lost. Even worst, I have no job, no prospect, no passion. With my mum's nearing to death, I have come to terms that she will never be able to see my success in future. 

I used to love reading, in which it led me to think that I would be a writer someday. Recently, after learning that being a self-published author in Malaysia is like throwing your money into the empty pit, the dream of being a writer has been casted further away.

I have tried being acrylic artist for a year. It started out well. With exhibitions and art fairs that I have participated, I made no money from all of that. In fact, I was at financial loss in every fairs and exhibitions I attended. But I was fortunate enough to get invited to be part of group exhibitions. It lasted until the beginning of this year when my mum's cancer becoming serious, I decided to give it all up and shift my focus on her since it is not working for me and I don't see myself in working this line of career. 

What is your dream? To be fair, you only can dream when you have achieved financial freedom. Because all the dreams we have certainly involves money.

Just like what will be my plan after my mum died? 

Munching

Dear Zach,

Last night, I asked this Malay massuer in Grindr to come over to my place at night for a massage. It was kind of a last minute request for him as the clock was closing to 10pm. I was in the middle of cleaning out some boxes in the kitchen and got his massage saying he was available. So I invited him over.

For the past months, I have been diligently going to gay sauna strictly for use of sauna and jacuzzi. Anything more than it supposed to be happened in the gay sauna depended on my mood whether I was into the guy or horny. I have been working out in the gym a lot -- 6 days a week of heaving training. And I am in my caloric surplus to gain new weight goal - 90kg. I am at 80kg now. So going to sauna was to help for recuperation from the intense workout I did in the gym.

This month I decided to forgo the idea of going to sauna and have a weekly massage session instead.

The massuer came at 10.30pm sharp. I did not ask for his picture in grindr because I just wanted a massage. He looks average, tan skinned, slightly shorter than me, stocky built and a wide lips. It didnt bother me because I ONLY wanted a massage. I stripped naked and laid on the bed on my stomach. He started massaging me in strong pressure on my legs. From my calves to my butt. It felt good. As 10 minutes into the massage, I realized that he has been accentuated the massage on my butt. His slippery hands with oil slid across my ass crack thinking I wouldn't notice what he was doing. He was certainly doing what I thought he was doing. He spread my butt cheeks apart several time in the motion of massage. I did not notice how long he has been circling around my ass, no long after, I felt a warm tongue on my orifice. I let out a soft moan. He pulled away and continued to slide his fingers across my slit. And, again, stuff his face into my ass.

"I love your ass. It is so perfect." He said.

"Thanks, I work out very hard on it."

This time I was on my knee slightly shoulder-width apart, nudging him an invitation to eat my ass again. He gladly complied and munched on my ass. His wide lips was meant to munch food and one of it was my ass. I could not remember when was the last time I got my ass eaten. But it wasn't as good as he did. His sloppy and wet mouth munching on my orifice as if it was his supper. I can't help but to let out my moans as much as I wanted to suppress it.

"You like that? Emmmmmmm..." He said, in between his breath. "Oh god, your ass is amazing." He jiggled it. 

I knew the massage wasn't going to continue, so I decided to turn over and get the deed done.

Before we knew it, he was fully naked with a 5 inches hard-on. He slide into me with ease with the mixture of his sloppy saliva and silicone lubricant. He fucked me hard in doggy style. The whole fucking lasted for at least 10 minutes. He cum on chest in the end.

He cleaned up and left after I paid him.

I was disappointed the massage did not go well for me. But at least I got my ass ate for good.

 

     

I Worked as Sex Worker and Onlyfans Amateur Gay Porn Star, and I Do Not Regret It.

Dear Zach,

It all started when I started to work as freelancer in 2018. It was hard -- trying to find odd jobs everywhere to pay off my bills and car loan. So I started to provide massage service by advertising online. Back in the days, the only website ,where you could search for local gay activity such gay massage parlor, gay sauna, and other exciting sexecapades, was a gay forum managed by a Singaporean company known as blowingwind. I advertised there. Slowly, I got requests every other day for massage service. When it comes to massage services for gay men, it never will be only massage. The massage is like a 1 hour foreplay, the main course is the sex. After the few attempts to reject myself from subjecting to sex, I realized if I don't do it, I will be doomed. So, I kept myself open-minded and have sex for pay.

I was picking up momentum in my services. I got clients from the locals and overseas, I ran from one fancy hotel to another in downtown, sucking dicks of different ethnicities and sizes and shapes, and got penetrated almost every other day by mostly unattractive, middle-aged, married, fat guys. I always play safe with condoms - which most of the customers do. Since I am a pure bottom, getting fucked was an relatively easy task. I was good in pretending feeling good. To be able to fake moaning, it was a skill. It was to tell the customers they are doing right and giving them the right to feel good. But some of them they fucked me real good I actually enjoyed it. Not sure what was it with these married man, they are extremely horny.

Towards the end of 2018, that time I was becoming active in twitter, and my services was slow down so I have to think of way to make money. Therefore, I took a leap faith and tried to upload a sex video of myself in twitter. The next day, my video was exploded with thousand of likes and hundreds of retweets. I was shocked that it got popular. I was happy and worried at the same time. My followers shot up from hundreds to 2k in just 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. The next few days, I uploaded another clip of me sucking a dick. It got popular as well. And I received plenty of messages about where they can watch my contents. As my followers was climbing exponentially high, I decided to open an onlyfans creator account to monetize my contents. It was a risky move. At that time, onlyfans was relatively fresh and unknown in my country. So it wasn't illegal so to speak.

Just like any other online content creator, you need to consistently upload fresh new content to engage your audience. So I made with video content with some fellow followers who were into it, and some customers of mine were okay getting recorded in sex but no face being shown. It was all amateur, nothing professional, nothing fancy. Just men 2 men enjoying sex. Each month, I dropped at least 2 new video contents in my OF page. As I saw the money coming in, I knew I was doing the right thing at the moment. My twitter page at that time had a whooping 20k followers and still climbing. I almost thought I was a gay porn star for real. Every day, I got messages for massage services and sex video collab, in which I was more than willing to comply to get my OF page going. Massage services and onlyfans were my 2 major sources of income in 2019. 

With the money I garnered every month, I managed to save a large chuck of money in my saving account. I managed to paid off my car loan once and for all. Technically, I was debt-free and financially independent.

As 2020 loomed in, with Covid and lockdown, all things went to hell. But not for me. I managed to survive lockdowns for 2 years with the saving I had. And every month I was still able to cash in from my OF account, still able to upload contents I made from a year before as I have made so much video contents with too many guys. To be honest, I am not a big spender. With the money I have then, I could have bought something fancy. But I did not. I save for emergency use and years to come. I live a very mundane life just like regular people even though I was a self-proclaimed porn star.

One day, I received an email from OF saying my videos have violated their rules and regulations, telling me to remove them or to obtain consent right from the party who involved in my videos. As OF was gaining their reputation, their rules and regulations have also been constantly updated to protect themselves against lawsuit. Some of my videos were hidden. I was not able to upload my content anymore since they have set such regulation for all the creators especially the home-made videos. As the years went by, I let my OF page died slowly. Even my twitter page was not updated frequently as before. I got concerned messages from fans asking if I was alright. In the end of 2022, I decided to close my twitter account. But I did not close my OF account. But I believe it has been deactivated by now.

Thankfully, I moved out from the local gay porn scene before it got overhyped by the local gays who did the same thing as me. It was dangerous as OF was getting its recognition on the news media in the recent years, and some of them have taken the advantage of do porn and upload online for monetization. However, it was all too late by then. As it becoming more exposed, the authorities have taken action against some Malay porn-star wannabes for uploading explicit content online. Some was arrested and charged. I was fortunate enough to jump out of the wagon because I knew it wasn't legal.

So that's what happened over the past 6 years going MIA. And I do not regret doing them. I believed God must have his reason to lead me to this path of life. Whatever it is, I am grateful that it happened.

I am writing this down so that I will never forget.  

Crave for Touch

Dear Zach,

These night I invited some tops over to my place to have sex after my parents asleep. My dad usually pop some sleeping pills before he sleeps, when he sleeps, he sleeps dead. My mum is obviously bed-ridden. So I wouldn't worry much about getting caught.

Rather than asking the tops to come through backdoor of my house at the back alley and straight to my room which they usually do beforehand, now I ask them to just come through the front door to avoid suspicion. Although I can finally host at night for sex, not many of them would want to come at late 10.30 pm on the weekdays just for a shag. Somehow there were a few willing to come as long as there is a bed, air-conditioner, and privacy for them to fuck. My bed time was 11pm. But when there is a sex ensued on that night, I would sleep at 12am. When I said you come at 1030pm, you come at 10.30pm sharp. Don't be late. Sex is important, but my sleep is way more importanter.

After a good ol' 20 minutes of good shag, I usually ask them if they wanna cuddle for a while. Most of them comply. Not sure why these days I was being nice and clingy to the tops. I tend to ask for cuddling after sex which I usually don't do. Sometimes during cuddling, I would sneak some pecks on their cheeks as if we were a couple, showing some affection after sex. Then, we would talk a bit of ourselves. But as it is getting late and they have to wake up early for work next morning, the after-sex cuddling last around 5 minutes the most. I am understanding because i also need my sleep. But it feels good to be embraced in someone's arm, sniffing their chest, sneaking pecks, and laying my head on their chest listening their pounding heartbeat. If this was me few years ago, I would have asked the tops to leave as soon as they were done. Is it true that when you grew older, you crave for more personal connection?

Spring Cleaning

Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, I have been doing spring-cleaning of the things in the cabinets where my mum stores most of the unwanted tupperwares and empty containers. Little did I know that collecting empty and unused containers was my mum hobby. She always collect and store it for just-in-case - Just in case we need to store the biscuits ; Just in case there is leftover lunch ; Just in case we may need it in the future. Somehow, the chances of it happening was close to none. In the end, she ended up buying more empty containers without realizing there were plenty of it at home in the cabinets left untouched for years.

I have cleared bit by bit. All of them stored in the carton boxes. There were also plentiful of cutleries, plates, mugs, and so many kitchen wares stored in the cabinet, unused. In the process of clearing up, I was also in the process of getting to know how my mum stored things. Each carton box was a mystery to me, as if awaiting for me to unveil what is inside of the box. There were plates - flowery and intricate designs. I did not throw them away, because my mum loves beautiful items. Also, I did not have the heart to throw away such pieces, but some of them was covered with mold and seemingly worn out on its own.

The more I cleared, the more I got to know my mum -- each step I clear is a trace of my mum how she stored, how she felt for each piece of plate and saucer she stored could never see the light of the day til she die. Somehow, clearing unwanted things is the way to move on and let other important things to have their rightful place to be stored, kept, and treasured. My dad has no comment seeing how I climbed up and down the ladder to make space for the cabinet by carrying the large boxes up and down. There was a tad bit of sadness flashed across his face, somehow he knew deep down inside, most of the stuffs were just unused and a waste of space. 

I Don't Know

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, my home has been a busy hub hosting for friends and relatives to visit my mum who is bed-ridden now. Most of the relatives were coming outstation purposely to visit her for one last time. Although my mum could not recognize some of them, she still managed to open her eyes, staring at them, as if she recognize them, but barely able to speak. When she speaks, she speaks too softly, out of breath. She can barely move now due to pain. Pain is her best companion now til death do her apart. My dad has hired a day-carer to bath and change and feed for her. My dad had had enough of everything as if wishing my mum to leave the world as soon as she could, rather than seeing her suffering day by day, dying internally. Although the cost of hiring a carer was expensive, it was a price my dad willing to foot and wanting my mum to rest in comfort and peace. 

My aunt came to my room yesterday and asked.

"What is your plan after your mum died?"

It is a question, no doubt, I have been asking myself since years then and til now. What is my plan? 

To be truthful, I do not know, I said. 

I am in my 30s. No job prospect. Had a very interesting work background for a year in 2019. Learnt a bit and pieces of everything - I am jack of all trades, master of none.

I used to be passionate about something. Tried pursuing it. Somehow of being passionate about something does not guarantee you a financial security. Then, my passion died. Never thought of it again. 

As much as I wanted to tell my aunt about my plan. I couldn't. Usually, I would have came up with something. This time, I told her, "I really don't know."

Changing Who I am

 Dear Zach,

Over the weekend, my brother flew in with his family to visit our mum while she was still hospitalized til today. Although she was allowed to be discharged on Saturday, unfortunately, the requirement to discharge her was that we need to obtain oxygen support aid for her or else she will be back VERY soon to the wad. We were frantically asking around and making calls for the aids support. However, nothing comes cheap. I have talked to a few supplier, they quoted me a bomb. Sadly, the hospice care ,whom they frequently come and check on my mum, was off over the weekend. So the best scenario for that moment, I persuaded my mum to stay at hospital til Monday. She was upset but it was the best thing to do.

My nephew and niece were a nightmare in the house - running and screaming over toys. My sis-in-law was screaming down at them all the time. It is a great reminder to me that I am glad to be gay for now and forever - I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and hole, despise kids with passion. I am not great with kids. Kids don't like me. I don't care because I don't like them either - never will be. They were cute when they were babies; but when they grew up they are anything but cute. They reinforce my intention of never wanting to have kid all the more if I ever got married. I can't deal with them. I just can't. 

I sat down with my brother to have some serious talk about mum and dad and, also, me. Somehow he was told about the quarrel between me and my dad. I was told that I have a strong attitude since growing up, the world does not revolve around me, it's either I change to suit the society or the society detest you. I admit that I am an emotional guy with strong sense of attitude. I speak about the truth; I never liked to sugarcoat because it is pointless and fake. I am quiet on my own, but when I speak I speak lethal. That's why people who know me, they confide in me because i spoke about the truth. Many dislike me; some would respect me. This is who I am. But to change myself to fit in so that I can be likeable, I have tried that when I was employed. I was likeable, but it shattered me because I was trying to fit in rather than trying hard to do my job. I listened to my brother admonishment attentively, I did not resort to any self-defensive argument. I just listened to him. He's my only brother after all. He took over the process of preparing our mum's funeral - which was a relief for me and my dad. 

 

Bad Sex ; Great Sex ; Awaited Sex

Dear Zach,

I was in the mood to get railed so hard these days simply because of everything happening with me - my mum, the cancer, the stress, the hopeless future, my fitness bulking process, constant working out in the gym, the canker sore inside my gum killing me, and etc.

I was supposed to meet this new regular, whom I have met twice and the sex was amazing and he is an indian, few nights ago, but he did not reply my message until I have found another top whom I met in the gay sauna twice and we had light fun there and he is a Malay which I strictly don't prefer. Well, I met this Malay top in the sauna before I swore off meeting up with malay man, so technically speaking, I am not going against my integrity. Sound silly I know lol. Probably you may think this is unjustifiable. Anyway, he was on the way back home and he messaged me on whatsapp,

"did you just block me on grindr?" he wrote.

"huh? no." I replied.

"cause your profile pic was blank."

"probably I just changed to a new pic. thats why."

"ok. wanna meet up?"

I was horny and awaiting for my new regular top to reply but to no avail. So I invited him over since we both had some fun in the sauna and it was great. Somehow, the sex was underwhelming as fuck. It was just that the chemistry was off and he was trying so hard to pretend a Dominant but kinda failed. I felt like we were not as enthusiastic as we were before in the sauna. Also, there were some icks of him have made me turn off. I sent him off at the door when we finished and he texted me "thank you.". I wished him safe drive and good night and delete his conversation off my chat list. 

The next night, I invited the new regular top. We had a great time. He fucked me 3 times, and made out at the front door before he left.

I woke up the next morning thoroughly fucked. 

Thought of getting another indian top tonight whom I chated with 2 days ago as we both were interested to meet for sex. But alas, he has to work night shift, so we might meet tomorrow or the night after tomorrow. 

Guilty to Be Relief

 Dear Zach,

My mum was admitted to hospital again on Tuesday night. Her serious case of amnesia has gotten us worried, and the hospice nurse advised us to bring her to the ER. By 11pm, we knew it gonna take long hours in order to get my mum admitted to the wad when you were dealing with government hospital, we left her under the care of the nurses and doctors and went home ourselves. 

We went and visited her every afternoon lunch hour. She was in great care. She still did not eat. Her emotions were high and low, rendering us feeling agitated when talking to her. She was still in confusion - talking something that didn't even exist. I can feel my dad feeling sad and stress for her. I decided to end the visit quickly and got us out from there.

For the past few days, our home was in peace. I can feel the tension dissipated. My dad did what he enjoys to do - mending her backyard garden. He seemed relaxed and enjoyed the tranquility knowing my mum was in the hospital taken care of. It felt as if this was going to be the life if my mum passed. I felt guilty that I was relief when my mum was not bed-ridden at home, hoping she would just stay at the hospital til she passes, rather than coming back home having endless pains and complains. 

Today, we went to visit her. The doctor said she will likely be discharged tomorrow. We are glad but deep down inside we wish she stay there instead. 

Am I a bad son? 

Angry Bird

 Dear Zach,

Anger management course should be mandatory for men who are undergoing mid-life crisis. Or probably for people like me. These days I really can't control my anger. I snapped easily - especially when there was a slight inconvenience.

I get frustrated so easily there were days I snapped at my dad for repeating 3 times and yet he couldn't hear what I said. He somehow he knew my simmering anger beneath me, he would just pretend he heard but, in actual fact, he couldn't. He is 70 with bad hearing problem. I felt guilty too.

Just like how I snapped at this fat indian technician from the insurance company who got on my last nerve trying to assist me changing my punctured tyre somehow he DID NOT bring any instruments to refill the air of the spare tyre, and still have the decency to say, "I am here just to change the tyre. We don't do air-refill etc", and yet I waited him for 2 hours for his arrival to my home just to fucking change the flatten tyre to another spare flatten tyre. Thanks for nothing, fat ass.

I get angry so easily. I feel hostile all the time. Like I am trying to fight whoever comes to my way or in my way. Why am I like this? Is it because I have been spending all my time alone at home, avoiding people not socializing, not working, removing toxic friends, keeping my circle to none, doing my own thing that make me feel contented? 

Do I have mental issue?

  

The Spanish Dick

 Dear Zach,

It was one of the Saturday afternoon last year when I was in my car in the middle of waiting at the traffic light, my grindr notification rang off. I swiped opened my mobile and looked through the message. It was a headless profile but showing an average lean body. And he unlocked his private album to me with a message "hi". A nice long 7 inches cock - a few angle of the pictures of cock accentuated how big it was, followed by a cute boyish looking spectacled guy with a backpack, and a few more pic of him.

I returned the message with a "hi". It was quick exchange because he wanted what he wanted. He sent me his location which was only 15 minutes away from where I was. And, fortunately, I douched before I left the house that day. I drove to his place and texted him when I arrived. He stayed at a private condominium where it needs access card to enter and use the lift to his unit. I waited for 5 minutes before he showed up and greeted me. My first impression of him was that he was a bit shy, probably a few inches shorter than me, lean average built. And I thought he was a Filipino due to his look. He stayed in an open-spaced studio apartment unit - you can see everything within your views. The bed was at the far end corner close to the balcony. And the air was very humid and stuffy.

I excused myself to the toilet and douched again making sure the water ran through clean. When I was out, I was shirtless, he was waiting for me at his bed. I climbed over him on top, and sealed my lips against his. Seconds later, we both thug our clothes out and were naked and hard. His body was smooth and lean but not athletic, but it was enough for you to taste his body. His 7 inches cock was not a lie. I leaned down on him and started putting his giant meat in my mouth. His dick was warm, firm, and mouthful. I was hungry. I slide my lips across his long shaft and sniffed it - it smells musty and of me. My head bobbing up an down giving him a sloppy blowjob; he was moaning, fingers going through my bald head, it was enough to make him rock hard. He flipped me over and started eating my ass. Each lick of his tongue against my orifice I moaned. Each thrust of his tongue into my hole I screamed "fuuuuccckk". His mouth was wet and his tongue was magical - a deadly combo I can't resist. I came up and kissed him again. I asked him, 

"Where are you from?", because I knew he was not a local.

"I am from Spain." I moved my face few inches away and took a good look at him wide eyes opened. "Seriously?" I said.

"Yeah. Why?" He asked. To be fair, there was no part of him screaming Españoles to me. My biggest guess was filipino but I was dead wrong because never in a million year would I have the chance to get fucked by a Spanish guy - which was one of my bucket list.

"Hola, Que tal?" I flaunted my barely-spoken-and-broken Spanish to him.

He was tad surprised. He chuckled, "hola, bien!" 

I have been learning Spanish language since 2023. I was not learning full-time; I learnt through watching Netflix, Youtube videos, some fast track courses, and books. It was off and on learning, so it was not serious learning. More like learning as you go. Every year, I swore to myself I need to take my Spanish learning seriously, somehow it drag and drag til the end of the year and wound up learning not much.

We made out passionately. Seconds later, I asked if he was ready for the main course. He said yes. I grabbed the condom and lube from my pouch, put it on him, and lubed myself ready to sit on him.

I was tight when I sat on him. After a few attempts, it became smooth and wet. We faced each other when I was riding him. He sucked my nipples when I humped my ass up and down on his big meat. I rode him like a pornstar. After a few humps, we switched to doggy style - my favorite position. Oh god.......I can feel his entire 7 inches cock sliding in and out against my orifice. I was moaning so loud, he thrusted me harder. The mirror in front of the bed reflecting our images, we looked at it as if we were in a gay porn scene, somehow the mirror image made him even more turned on. He grabbed my meaty ass and pound hard from behind. I was so turned on seeing myself in the mirror getting deep by a Spanish cock, somehow my dick gone semi-soft. He fucked me in doggy for quite a while. He flipped me over laying on my back, I brought both of my legs up, welcoming him with opened legs. He slid it in easily as my hole was loose and lubed. We were making out passionately as he thrusted his cock inside of me. 

"Te gusta (you like it) ?" I asked as he sliding inside of me with deep and long stroke.

"Si, me encanta, mi amor. (yes, i love it, my love.)" I was elated. Euphoric. And breathless. Never in my life someone would say that to me, let alone speaking in Spanish - it happened during SEX! It was so beautiful I could cry. He kept pounding me hard. His breaths were short and heavy. The next moment, he was hugging me hard, and cried out with pleasure as he cum inside me.

We kissed as we moved away from our sweaty body. His house was so humid it actually made my dick soft. I think he noticed that too. But I actually enjoyed the pounding. We washed ourselves and cuddled in bed and talked. 

He asked why I knew Spanish. So I told him my learning journey. He was impressed. Then we got to know each other a bit. He is from Barcelona, he followed his bf, who is a local Malaysian, to KL as his bf wanted to move back here. They both met when his bf studied in Europe or something, and stayed at his place as AirBnb for quite some time. They both got closer and became a couple. And they went through a lot like dead and alive situation. It made them becoming more closer as a couple. They have been staying here for 6 months. His bf was at work during that time; He worked from home at odd hours, therefore, he can have sex. They were in a open-relationship - that made so much sense then. He told me he had met plenty of local guys here for sexual fun. I was surprised at the amount of guys he met in the span of 6 months living here. I guess when you are Foreigner , everybody wants you - this applied to him apparently.

Then, we chat little bit more. We made out a bit. Next thing I knew, his cock grew rock hard again.

"round 2?" I smirked.

Without hesitation, he grabbed the condom and put it on and slide into my loosen ass with ease. We were in missionary. I guess that was his favorite position. We fucked for a while and he came.

At that point, my ass was fried. We cleaned ourselves up, and got dressed. Before I left, we made out again by the front door. Gosh, he was such a great kisser. I pulled myself off before we got into round 3. 

"Hasta luego." I waved at him before I left. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 weeks later, he asked me over again. We fucked passionately. Somehow I just didn't feel right. He came quite fast. I wasn't hard during the whole session. I was unsure why. Probably the humidity in his house? After sex, we cuddled and talked for a while. He got a message from his phone. He checked it and said, "oh shit, I was supposed to meet this guy just now. He is waiting down stairs for me, but I met you instead. I totally forgot!" As if on cue, I told him it was fine I shall make my leave and feel bad for the guy waiting downstairs while you were fucking me. He felt guilty for the guy and for me too. But he has no choice but to meet the guy since he was already there. We made out again by the front door. I left with a wet mouth.

Since then, we never met again.

 

Against The Gays

 Dear Zach,

It is no surprise that when these bigots have nothing else better to do than interfering unharmful people lives just because they are "religiously" rightful to do so, they could have taken proactive measure to knock down issue like child rape, underage sexual assault, child marriage etc, which is happening a lot in our country.  

Living in a muslim-centric country, you expect these things would happen. Usually I couldn't be bother much. But what bothers me the most were the comments. Oh god.. the comments were just awful. Just when I thought we were entering a civilized era, but the homophobia in the comments section were wildly unacceptable.

The more I skim through the comments, the more boiling I become. I was not surprised that the people who left such nasty comments are 90% muslims, yet they were the ones who always get raw-dog the most behind their wife and religious faith, and contributing to the annual statistic becoming the highest population group in contracting HIV. So who's laughing now? In actual fact, when you turn on Grindr, almost 80 percent of the profile are malay-muslims. So what does that tell you?

This is the reason why I stopped meeting up malay-muslims for sexual fun. Esp this incident happened to me last month and I couldn't possibly recover from that. I don't hate them; I dislike them - although I came across some super hot malay guy in the local gay sauna, part of me wanted to taste them as they were into me, but the big part of me telling me not to lose my dignity over some fatal attraction. Then, I would just quickly walk away from them touching me so that I wouldn't fold. lol.

If you are curious what sort of event it will be? Here's below:

See? I think sexual health awareness should of be important than the queer stories. 

A Wife Materials in a Husband

 Dear Zach,

My mum loves keeping the home clean and tidy. When she was in good health, without failed, she was always cleaning and wiping, making sure the surface of everywhere was free of dust. I admire her tenacious attitude in keeping the house tidy. "A clean home is a happy home." She didn't said that, but that was what she always believes in.

Cleaning was her wifey duty - so does cooking. She cleans to provide comfort for us, so that we can focus on other important things in life. Life was easy and stress-free, literally, when we got back to a clean and tidy home. We tend to take little things like this for granted. When my mum was bed-ridden for the past few months, my dad and I share the house chores making sure our home is clean and comfortable as before. Somehow it didn't feel like it. Without the maternal touch, it was somewhat lacking. I have been cooking my own meals since 3 years ago when I started taking care of my diet seriously since I started working out hard in the gym. When my parents are no longer able to handle the load of meal prep like they used to, they mostly bought eat-out which was so much more economical.

For the past few months, I cooked for my parents. I learnt to make dessert, soup, healthy beverages, juices, and sweet congee. Since my mum was not in favor for solid food, soft liquid type of food was the best option for her consumption. I took over the responsibility of cleaning the house as my dad's lower back was killing him these days. My parents appreciate my efforts. My relatives, who came and visit my mum, praised my culinary efforts and love what they tasted. I was glad. At least this is the most I could do for them. 

I am basically a house-husband now, staying at home, cook and clean, and awaiting my non-existing husband to fuck me senseless. I mean, I could put a tender out there asking someone to marry me - I can cook, clean, and get fucked all day everyday.  

Is blogging dead?

Dear Zach,

These days when I got back into blogging, I tried to check out some of the fellow bloggers' recent updates only to have found their last post was 6 or 7 years ago - about the same time when I stopped posting back then. A tad of sadness washed over me knowing that blogging used to be our sole medium for venting, now has become an abandoned site with years of archives. We anticipated each other updates day by day trying to connect with one and another. When we blog, we blog to share our thoughts and feelings. We engage with people in a way people could relate to us with our own words. I miss those days when we got to read others' life, leaving heartfelt comments, read without judgement, and being supportive as we can.

Back then, without FB, IG, TIKTOK, blogging was the only way to share our life to the world. As the technology is becoming more progressively advanced, blogging is becoming more likely obsolete. Nobody, especially young adults, these days would spend more than 10 seconds of their attention span to read a 5 minutes post. Their attention span are so short to the point where the social media experts started to make video content about getting the first 5 seconds "hook" in reel just to lure viewers for engagement. Everything is all about view engagements and transactional on social media. Even me has become so attached to IG reels I wasted almost 30 minutes just to get a good laugh from it. It is sad but it is just the way it is now. We post on social media to get attention and validation. Very often, it attracts mostly haters leaving nasty comments about your face. We are no longer in the liberty to share; We are in a place where the more we share, the more dislikeable we become. This is one of the reason why I removed my own personal social media. People can just hate it for no reason.

I am glad that I got back into blogging. It feels so good to typing away my thoughts. I may get back into reading books. The last time I read a book was like 6 years ago? Blimey, that's long.  

 

Routine

 Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, it has been tough for me and my family. My dad and I had a multiple huge arguments over something trivial. There were days my mum was in immense pain even after taking a medium dose of morphine. It was hard see how my 70-year-old dad taking care of my mum, feeding her, bath her, and supporting her walking to bed. Most of the time, my mum was asleep due the induced drowsiness from the drugs. While my dad taking care of my mum, I took charge in settling daily house chores and running in and out buying depository items. Day by day, seeing my mum's health progressively declining, I can't help but to think how the days will be when she's gone. There were times I lay on my bed in the afternoon, shedding tears from the corner of my eyes, thinking how she will leave us anytime.

My daily routine now consist of going to gym in the morning, and cooked my own lunch and dinner, and spent the rest of the day at home doing nothing. I do not work. I cannot work at this moment. Hence, I kept my daily expenditure to the minimal as possible. Sometimes, I would meet my regular for sex at the cheap motel we usually go to. I would go to gay sauna on the weekly basis just to relax and free my mind since I spent a lot of time in the gym working out hard. No. I do not have sex in there as tempting as it was. There were times I just had oral sex and foreplay. That's that.

It is going to be mid of the year very soon. It is unbelievable that the year went on too fast. 

Tough Time. Tough Life. Tough Birthday

 Dear Zach,

My birthday for this year is probably the saddest one I've had ever been through in my entire life.

For the past 2 years, my birthday dropped on the week days, it was one of the random morning routine where I was on my way home from the gym. Knowing the fact that I was entering in my 30s, with no job prospect, jobless, hopeless, and mindlessly living the day without expectation, the overwhelming feeling of failure has gotten my eyes brimming with tears. I cried so hard in the car on the way home in my birthday for the past 2 years. Crying because I failed so much. Crying because I had achieve nothing what I had promised myself when I was entering 20s.

This year, I did not cry. Because I had cried enough. With the unshocking news of my mum cancer's diagnosis, I was well mentally prepared for the worst outcome. Last week, we were told my mum's cancer progress has gotten worst. Chemotherapy is the only option to "control" the metastasis. It was the best interest for my mum's condition, but not for my mum's best interest. I held my mum's fragile hand, holding back my tears, telling her that I was fine with whatever decision she made. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she shook her head, cueing that she did not want to go through such ballistic treatment anymore. Without further ado, the doctor asked if he can do anything to make her comfortable for the rest of the days, we said nothing much and left the clinic with silent and heavy heart.

We did not say anything on the way back home. Silent is the best for all of us now. We all struggled to put our emotions to words.

To decompress, I texted my regular fuck buddy to fuck me as hard as he can the next day. He was under the weather but somehow comply the demand I asked of him. I love him - not in the romantic way. He always fuck me the best. After sex, we cuddled and fall asleep until the hours in the motel were up. We did not say much. We just had sex and that was that. No drama, no attachment. 

A news of my mum's imminent death and mind-blowing hard sex were my birthday present this year. I couldn't ask for more.  

The Worst Keep Coming - Part 2

 Dear Zach,

When I finally put my mum to sleep, and dad went to bed, I swiped my phone away and clicked on Grindr.

It was 10pm, thought of sneaking some guy into my bed and fucked my misery away. 

There was this malay boy messaged me asking me to come over to his place, where it was just 2 km away. I thought to myself "why not, since it is quite near." I awaited for his reply of his address and unit number before I decided to make my move. Took him a 10-minutes before he replied. I wasn't really into Malay guys these days due to their poor attitudes. But I was itching for a fuck, so begger cant be a chooser. 

It took me 10 minutes to arrive at his place. 

"I have arrived. So you said you live at level 4, but which unit number?" I queried. 

"You will see it when you reached that level." He replied.

It arose my suspicion. I wondered if he was real. I was too tired to think and just went with it.

When I arrived, there were 4 different units of apartment.

"So which ones? There are 4 units. 410?"

"Yes, just come in the door is unlocked."

But the unit 410 was locked with gate. I replied back, "is it 412?"

"Yes, come in."

I reached for the doorknob, and turned, the door was unlocked, I walked into a fully furnished living room, but no one was there. In my mind, I thought he could be playing dirty games by stripping naked waiting for my entrance to his room.

I tried opening the first room near the kitchen - it was a storeroom. Then followed by the next room, a whole ass family was on bed just chilling. The lady, which i presumed the wife, was in stunned for a few seconds before she realized in shocked there was a stranger intruding their home. I quickly closed the door and walked out. Later on, the husband and his son were yelling me to stop, I panicked. I ran down to my car. I thought of igniting my car and drove away as soon as possible, but I was halted by them, yelling and smashing pole on my car. I locked the car door for safety. The passerby stopped them from going violent on my car. One of the passerby approached me and asked what happened. I told them the truth that I was meeting someone and he tricked me into entering the house. I even showed them the grindr chat history. At the point of time, there is no point hiding my intention but telling the whole truth even though they are conservative Malays. I told them grindr is for men2men hookup, I was trying to meet up this malay fellow and ended I was scammed into entering the wrong house. 

The owner did not want to let it go, decided to involve police enforcement to settle the situation. I beg for him not to escalate the situation. But he said that I trespassed and this was no small matter - what if you bring bad intention to us when you entered our house? 

I quickly screenshot the chat history in grindr before he blocked me. As expected, after i told him I was in trouble, he blocked me. 

We waited for 20 minutes for the police enforcement. I told him the whole truth, with the screenshot of the chat. The police officer was sensible and told the owner that this issue can be solved amicably since I was a victim of prank. And I was admonished that I should not enter anyone's house without the owner opening the door for you. I apologize profusely to the owner for the mistakes I made although the owner has already decided to settle it amicably before the police came.

I drove back home and showered. I was in turmoil of shock. It was 12am. I lay on my bed, tossing and turning around. I just could not put my mind to sleep. The snowball of the bad thing kept on rolling. 

The Worst Kept Coming - Part 1

Dear Zach,

Barely 6 months into 2025, I have already encountered what it feels like to have a mid-life crisis. Things happened so much over the course of last 2 weeks.

I failed to meet the expectation of my very first client in my graphic design work. Mainly because there was so much miscommunication over the whatsapp chat, even though I did what he asked, he never seemed to satisfy with what I did for him. Towards the end, there was some dispute over some outcome which may cost him a bit, he willing to forfeit his deposit fund and not willing to pay the remaining amount of the budget to me ... ... if I did what he told. I sent him a last email telling him "take care, wish you all the best in your future endeavor" which means "I ain't doing shit til you pay me or else go fuck yourself".

At the same time dealing with him, I was dealing with my mum's cancer. She was in pain on her hips for the last few weeks, she barely can walk. I spent most of my time at home taking care of her daily needs while she remained stationary at a comfortable place. My mum cancer's diagnosis was last year October. It was a metastasized cancer from the breast cancer, which she had 2 years ago and it was removed and treated, to the left hips of the bones. The pains was mild in the beginning of last year and, gradually, the pain was getting more and more as the months went by. By September, the doctor did a few testing on her found out there was a localized mass around the hips. It was hard to accept for my mum and my family as we did not expect it came back so soon. We started treatment by November. Somehow the treatment seemingly working for her. Only the recent pains was so intense out of the blue, last week she cannot move at all laying on her bed, crying in pain. My heart sank when I saw her suffering, so I called the ambulance and took her into ER. X-ray came out she has fracture on her left-hips. She has to be operated to replace the fractured part. We have been in and out of the hospital to visit her as much as we could while waiting for her turn of operation date. I wish her well at my best.

When things could not get anymore worst, this happened one week before my mum's admission to hospital, my 70-year-old dad fell flat his head on the floor while mopping the floor. We were away when he fell. Blood gushing out. It was a major public holiday, clinics are closed for the day. I was frantically driving around in searching for clinic. In the end, we found one. The doc did stitches on him. My heart went out for him when he cried in pain as he has to endure such incident at this age of life. 

Bad things did not stop there, I was the next victim... ... 

to be cont...

6 Years Gap - I Return Here Again

Dear Zach,

Never in a million year would I thought that I would write on this blog again. 

MIA for 6 years, neither a long time, nor a short duration. There were days I wanted to come back and write. The lack of discipline and motivation, and depression, and failures in life that had halted me from writing on this blank page. I return to this page because I am in a difficult stage of my life where I literally failed in my life and career and in desperate need a place to vent. 

I wish I could describe what had happened to me over the past 6 years since my last post - I could write a book about it. Literally and figuratively. A lot had happened. A lot. I could write them down here without sleep. But that ain't gonna happen. I will tell. But not now. 

I am unsure if my fellow readers are still reading blogs these days. Some of my readers had become my fans of my adult content in twitter - which is now no longer exist. When scroll through my posts, I can't believe I have survived throughout the years til now - apart from that the 6-years gap. I wish I could reminisce my days before 2019, but it gonna take me an emotional roller coaster ride that gonna make my tear drops. I have been crying a lot lately.

It is fine if my readers are long gone. At least what i am writing now is just for my own record. For what I believe, things happened for a good reason.

Til then,

to be cont. ...