Tough Time. Tough Life. Tough Birthday

 Dear Zach,

My birthday for this year is probably the saddest one I've had ever been through in my entire life.

For the past 2 years, my birthday dropped on the week days, it was one of the random morning routine where I was on my way home from the gym. Knowing the fact that I was entering in my 30s, with no job prospect, jobless, hopeless, and mindlessly living the day without expectation, the overwhelming feeling of failure has gotten my eyes brimming with tears. I cried so hard in the car on the way home in my birthday for the past 2 years. Crying because I failed so much. Crying because I had achieve nothing what I had promised myself when I was entering 20s.

This year, I did not cry. Because I had cried enough. With the unshocking news of my mum cancer's diagnosis, I was well mentally prepared for the worst outcome. Last week, we were told my mum's cancer progress has gotten worst. Chemotherapy is the only option to "control" the metastasis. It was the best interest for my mum's condition, but not for my mum's best interest. I held my mum's fragile hand, holding back my tears, telling her that I was fine with whatever decision she made. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she shook her head, cueing that she did not want to go through such ballistic treatment anymore. Without further ado, the doctor asked if he can do anything to make her comfortable for the rest of the days, we said nothing much and left the clinic with silent and heavy heart.

We did not say anything on the way back home. Silent is the best for all of us now. We all struggled to put our emotions to words.

To decompress, I texted my regular fuck buddy to fuck me as hard as he can the next day. He was under the weather but somehow comply the demand I asked of him. I love him - not in the romantic way. He always fuck me the best. After sex, we cuddled and fall asleep until the hours in the motel were up. We did not say much. We just had sex and that was that. No drama, no attachment. 

A news of my mum's imminent death and mind-blowing hard sex were my birthday present this year. I couldn't ask for more.  

The Worst Keep Coming - Part 2

 Dear Zach,

When I finally put my mum to sleep, and dad went to bed, I swiped my phone away and clicked on Grindr.

It was 10pm, thought of sneaking some guy into my bed and fucked my misery away. 

There was this malay boy messaged me asking me to come over to his place, where it was just 2 km away. I thought to myself "why not, since it is quite near." I awaited for his reply of his address and unit number before I decided to make my move. Took him a 10-minutes before he replied. I wasn't really into Malay guys these days due to their poor attitudes. But I was itching for a fuck, so begger cant be a chooser. 

It took me 10 minutes to arrive at his place. 

"I have arrived. So you said you live at level 4, but which unit number?" I queried. 

"You will see it when you reached that level." He replied.

It arose my suspicion. I wondered if he was real. I was too tired to think and just went with it.

When I arrived, there were 4 different units of apartment.

"So which ones? There are 4 units. 410?"

"Yes, just come in the door is unlocked."

But the unit 410 was locked with gate. I replied back, "is it 412?"

"Yes, come in."

I reached for the doorknob, and turned, the door was unlocked, I walked into a fully furnished living room, but no one was there. In my mind, I thought he could be playing dirty games by stripping naked waiting for my entrance to his room.

I tried opening the first room near the kitchen - it was a storeroom. Then followed by the next room, a whole ass family was on bed just chilling. The lady, which i presumed the wife, was in stunned for a few seconds before she realized in shocked there was a stranger intruding their home. I quickly closed the door and walked out. Later on, the husband and his son were yelling me to stop, I panicked. I ran down to my car. I thought of igniting my car and drove away as soon as possible, but I was halted by them, yelling and smashing pole on my car. I locked the car door for safety. The passerby stopped them from going violent on my car. One of the passerby approached me and asked what happened. I told them the truth that I was meeting someone and he tricked me into entering the house. I even showed them the grindr chat history. At the point of time, there is no point hiding my intention but telling the whole truth even though they are conservative Malays. I told them grindr is for men2men hookup, I was trying to meet up this malay fellow and ended I was scammed into entering the wrong house. 

The owner did not want to let it go, decided to involve police enforcement to settle the situation. I beg for him not to escalate the situation. But he said that I trespassed and this was no small matter - what if you bring bad intention to us when you entered our house? 

I quickly screenshot the chat history in grindr before he blocked me. As expected, after i told him I was in trouble, he blocked me. 

We waited for 20 minutes for the police enforcement. I told him the whole truth, with the screenshot of the chat. The police officer was sensible and told the owner that this issue can be solved amicably since I was a victim of prank. And I was admonished that I should not enter anyone's house without the owner opening the door for you. I apologize profusely to the owner for the mistakes I made although the owner has already decided to settle it amicably before the police came.

I drove back home and showered. I was in turmoil of shock. It was 12am. I lay on my bed, tossing and turning around. I just could not put my mind to sleep. The snowball of the bad thing kept on rolling. 

The Worst Kept Coming - Part 1

Dear Zach,

Barely 6 months into 2025, I have already encountered what it feels like to have a mid-life crisis. Things happened so much over the course of last 2 weeks.

I failed to meet the expectation of my very first client in my graphic design work. Mainly because there was so much miscommunication over the whatsapp chat, even though I did what he asked, he never seemed to satisfy with what I did for him. Towards the end, there was some dispute over some outcome which may cost him a bit, he willing to forfeit his deposit fund and not willing to pay the remaining amount of the budget to me ... ... if I did what he told. I sent him a last email telling him "take care, wish you all the best in your future endeavor" which means "I ain't doing shit til you pay me or else go fuck yourself".

At the same time dealing with him, I was dealing with my mum's cancer. She was in pain on her hips for the last few weeks, she barely can walk. I spent most of my time at home taking care of her daily needs while she remained stationary at a comfortable place. My mum cancer's diagnosis was last year October. It was a metastasized cancer from the breast cancer, which she had 2 years ago and it was removed and treated, to the left hips of the bones. The pains was mild in the beginning of last year and, gradually, the pain was getting more and more as the months went by. By September, the doctor did a few testing on her found out there was a localized mass around the hips. It was hard to accept for my mum and my family as we did not expect it came back so soon. We started treatment by November. Somehow the treatment seemingly working for her. Only the recent pains was so intense out of the blue, last week she cannot move at all laying on her bed, crying in pain. My heart sank when I saw her suffering, so I called the ambulance and took her into ER. X-ray came out she has fracture on her left-hips. She has to be operated to replace the fractured part. We have been in and out of the hospital to visit her as much as we could while waiting for her turn of operation date. I wish her well at my best.

When things could not get anymore worst, this happened one week before my mum's admission to hospital, my 70-year-old dad fell flat his head on the floor while mopping the floor. We were away when he fell. Blood gushing out. It was a major public holiday, clinics are closed for the day. I was frantically driving around in searching for clinic. In the end, we found one. The doc did stitches on him. My heart went out for him when he cried in pain as he has to endure such incident at this age of life. 

Bad things did not stop there, I was the next victim... ... 

to be cont...

6 Years Gap - I Return Here Again

Dear Zach,

Never in a million year would I thought that I would write on this blog again. 

MIA for 6 years, neither a long time, nor a short duration. There were days I wanted to come back and write. The lack of discipline and motivation, and depression, and failures in life that had halted me from writing on this blank page. I return to this page because I am in a difficult stage of my life where I literally failed in my life and career and in desperate need a place to vent. 

I wish I could describe what had happened to me over the past 6 years since my last post - I could write a book about it. Literally and figuratively. A lot had happened. A lot. I could write them down here without sleep. But that ain't gonna happen. I will tell. But not now. 

I am unsure if my fellow readers are still reading blogs these days. Some of my readers had become my fans of my adult content in twitter - which is now no longer exist. When scroll through my posts, I can't believe I have survived throughout the years til now - apart from that the 6-years gap. I wish I could reminisce my days before 2019, but it gonna take me an emotional roller coaster ride that gonna make my tear drops. I have been crying a lot lately.

It is fine if my readers are long gone. At least what i am writing now is just for my own record. For what I believe, things happened for a good reason.

Til then,

to be cont. ...