PreP or No PreP

Dear Zach,

I have been toying the idea of getting myself into taking PreP. Recently, the news pages were constantly posting about the HIV diagnosis amongst the university students contributes highest to the statistic in the country. Those individuals who aged between 18 and 25 are the riskiest age group in contracting HIV due to unprotected GAY sex - emphasizing the "gay" word, perpetually becoming the main culprit in contributing to the growing cases of infection. I am not surprised by the fact that most infected individuals are largely made up of Malays, as most of them have no knowledge about having safe sex and buying condom from a convenient shop is deemed as a sin. The news about it somehow fearmongering me into considering taking PreP.

Nowadays, HIV and STI testing outreach has been far more proactive in providing free testing than those time I was in college, where getting tested for HIV has to be done in private clinic for a fee.

Now, these outreaches are giving out free testing at several local hotspots and providing treatment for those infected at a lower cost or zero cost. I have been getting tested for HIV by ordering the testkit online from the legit NGO, and then it's sent to me 2 days later. All procedures are free of charge. Even getting PreP is free from the government clinic, but you would have to go through several stages of interview and testing before you can obtain it. Since PreP has been readily available in the market, the cost itself has become very affordable. Some of my tops got it for RM100 per bottle from private clinic. Today, I asked a clinic near my place, it costs RM75 per bottle. I was legit surprised by the affordability where it encourages those sexually active people to uptake PreP for safety precaution. I am actually proud that the government is taking initiative to promote PreP as preventative measure in combating HIV amongst the youngsters and provide free and easy access to get them. 

I am still contemplating about it since I only have frequent bareback sex with 2 tops whom they also take PreP diligently. RM75 is not that expensive, but do I really need it? Unless I intend to have bareback sex with every guy I come across with, then most likely I would uptake it as soon as I can. We'll see. 

Pass & Present

Dear Zach,

It is exactly one month after my mum passed. There is a day that I will miss her without going by. The house has been oddly quiet. Dad is back to his usual self and seems like enjoying his own company. These days I spend most of my time at the gym in the morning and afternoon at home. My aunt sent her regards to us asking how are we coping. I told her we are coping well. We have accepted the fact the loss of my mum way before she passed.

Last 2 weeks, I went to the photography shop to print out a stacks of photo to be put into several albums. I am not sure about the years they were taken, but I filtered them out by looking how young we were in that photos. I bought extra 2 albums which have 300 pockets each. Then I categorized them with a paper tape attached at the bind of the albums with "Beyond 2000","Beyond 2010", and "Beyond 2020". Three decades worth of memories are all lied inside of them in chronological order. I flip through each page seeing how we all had grown up and grown old, leaving smiles and memories behind in every single photos, telling us how precious our life is.

Sometimes I would go inside my parents room, holding my mum's picture on the top of her favorite drawer desk, and swept away some dust on her now empty bed, just to remind myself how unreal life could be as 2 months ago, she was still laying and breathing on this very bed. I get a pang of loss and a lump in my throat when I look around.

On the other note, I have been thinking of going back to study. I have been detached from the scene of education for 10 years. I am not sure going back to study would be a viable option. Partly because getting a job now is impossible for me as I have to take care of my 70 year-old dad who is having hearing loss. So, working 9-5 is out of the question. I thought of going back to art freelancing. But I realized it didn't work well to me last year, so I don't see the point venture back to it as to make myself profitable loss. Other freelancing gigs require working experience and one have to spend most of the time outside. I thought of returning to sex working gig, but I do not dare to risk myself getting reported and caught as there is so much news on the social media where there are quite a number of local sex workers being reported and arrested for soliciting sex. To get a sugar daddy seems impossible to me as I am an introvert and can't leave dad alone for long when they have sexual needs to be fulfilled all day.

Tell me, what should I do now?

 

Being Bald

Dear Zach,

I started to go bald in last November 2024. It was a fairly easy decision to make. I went bald not because I was in support of cancer awareness or whatsoever, it was because I am having vertex hair loss - also known as balding at the crown or male pattern baldness. It all started after I realized my hair starting to become worryingly thin in the end of 2023, I quickly bought Minoxidil and hair-growth shampoo to either prevent the hairloss advancement or regrow my hair.

Fast forward 1 year later, it did not help at all. Every time I went for a cut, when the barber showed the back of my head with the hand-held mirror, I died a little inside. And I was mildly embarrassed. Although the baldness was not as serious as I thought, if this keeps up, sooner or later, it will become worst. The last time I went for a barber cut, I told him to shave it all off. It took some time to getting used to. My late-mum made fun of my shinny bald head saying I could be Shaolin Monk. Ever since then, I have been shaving my head with simple razor shaver in every 2 or 3 days. In fact, some told me I look better in bald. I love my new look every day. I saved up the cost of going to barber, buying shampoo and medication. Now I only use one type body shampoo and wash myself from head to toe.

Just when I thought being bald would devalue myself in the scene of the gay sauna and Grindr, turned out the men are much more into bald man. Not sure if it's their fetish or genuine interest in me, it somehow gives me a newfound confidence that being bald is the new sexy as long as I accept the way I look. Not many men can pull off having a bald look. It takes courageous to shave all your hair off as hair styling significantly dictates your facial look. I am standing at 178cm tall and 83kg now, hence, being bald does pair up well with my body size. Some has asked me if I ever grow my hair back again. And I said "Never."    

Sex Tapes

Dear Zach,

There is this latest Mexican drama in Netflix that revolves around the topic about leaking sex tapes. It involves high profilic and influential individuals who were secretly recorded when having sex in orgy, and the recordings were used against them in exchange for business favors. It is a very typical mexican soup drama that always involves marital affairs between a rich lonely attractive woman and a very young handsome gigolo, and the gigolo would forget about himself as sex worker and fall in love with the married woman and all the dramas unfold from there. One thing I love about mexican drama is that there is no censorship in sex scenes. They show everything and the actors are insanely attractive. Well, all in all, the sex tapes leaked and caused an uproar amongst themselves.

To be honest, if a sex tape of an influential individual was leaked, it would leave an impact and every one would remember. If a sex tape of a normal person was leaked, no one would even bat an eyelid. 

Recording your own sex video has been a norm these days. Literally, every guy I come across with, even myself, would have their own recordings. Sometimes they would share on X with consent from their partners. Some they would share it secretly under their discreet account. When I used to have onlyfans, I always asked for consents before I posted - with face censored and edited to the best part of the views I deemed worthy. After I quit OF for years, sometimes in Grindr, some fans happened to come across my profile and drop me some messages, telling me how they enjoyed watching my sex tape back then and wished I could continue doing what I did best. Of course, I felt delighted at their compliments but I did not reply them just not to give them the impression that I AM the guy they used to look up with. These days, I would rather stay low profile and have casual sex with people who do not know who I used to be. Sometimes when the sex was amazing, I would ask to record a short clip of the action. They are more than willing to comply, but I never share them to anywhere but to keep to myself. But I believe some of my old sex videos are circulating in certain websites and telegram channel. I am unfazed by it because I am just nobody. I would rather not to make a huge fuss about it and thinking I have lost my dignity over some random sex videos. I have lost my dignity when I started OF, so it makes no difference now if there is any dignity left in me. 

Strictly Platonic?

Dear Zach,

I met Sham exactly 10 years ago when I was working as a trainer in one of the top leading fitness center in the middle of Kuala Lumpur. That time he was a client to one of my co-worker and we did exchange a few words. He is a local indian, tall, dark, but average skinny looking and few years older. I knew he was gay right away when he conversed with me, but I did not intend to hook up with him because he was not my type. He works as doctor in one of the busiest hospital in the center of KL. He told me he was pursuing specialist that time - very bright future ahead of him.

Fast forward few years later, we came across each other in Grindr and he confessed everything to me about his feelings and how he always wanted me and do all kind of dirty things to me. Of course, what hooked me up the most was his 7 inches long black dong when he sent me picture as proof. He was located back in Penang island. But he always come to KL for a short weekend trip in one of many expensive hotels for getaway. The first time we met up the sex was good. Every now and then, he would come to KL just to find an excuse for a short trip but, in actual fact, he intend to meet me. He often keep suggesting us how good we will be if we ever be in a relationship. How he would treat me right and give all the amazing sex and goods to me - emotionally and monetary wise. 

I thought he was joking at first, as the time went by, his suggestive comments about us became serious. There was one time he bought me a Samsung phone which cost over RM6000 and sent to me via courier service. He said he just wanted to help me as I was struggling with my own career at that time, so an upgraded phone would have been of help in any way. I was grateful for his act of kindness and expensive gift, somehow I felt compelled to return him favors in sex. Over the years, whenever he came visiting, I would meet him, and have sex just to return some favor of his kindness. Over time, he would again suggest us to be together. I firmly said no. "I am not looking to settle down." In fact, I don't see myself settling down with him. I see him as a good friend with platonic sex. He was disappointed but he knew from the start I never intended to settle down.

We still keep in touch over the years. He had a few relationships that lasted less than 6 months. From being exclusive to open relationship, somehow his luck with men to be in relationship always doom to fail. Sex was always part of us when we met. One time he was grieving for the loss of his grandma, we had sex multiple times over the course of 3 days he was in KL.

As the time went on, our sex have become a routine - at least for me. There was no passion anymore despite the fact that he still love it. Two years ago, I told him that I just didn't feel like to have sex with him anymore as I see him more of a good friend now. He got what I meant, sometime when we met strictly outside of the hotel, he would ask if I wanna go back to the hotel to have sex. I didn't have the heart to tell him no. I just told him either I was not into it or I've had to go. 

Recently, I have started to reach out to him since he has been really quiet, even before that he was awfully monotonous to every message I texted to him. He said that he just embraces the part of being introvert and alone, sometimes he feel like he is becoming less attractive, and cannot be a cup of tea for everyone all the time, even I don't prefer to have sex with him as I see him more of a friend, hence he needs to adapt changes in life and come to terms with it. The penny drops. He was implying about us. And I did not query further and just ended the conversation with just simple texts and "take care". Somehow, he asked about my mum and I told him about everything. He was surprised and kept the conversation going, and then he asked me out on the weekend since he would be in town for the weekend, I have got no reason to reject since we last met was 1 year ago.

After lunch we went back to his hotel, before we knew it, we were naked on bed, both us with hard-on, I lubed him up and enter inside of me raw. This was the first time we have bareback sex. All these years, we usually have sex with condom due to his nature of job which requires extra precautious when comes to having sex. Doctors will be barred indefinitely from practicing medicine if ones diagnosed with HIV. But when he started taking PreP and deoxypep diligently 1 year ago, he has been going full throttle in having bareback sex with everyone, even when he travelled to Bangkok recently, he said he's had sex 4 times a day over the course of 5 days staying there.

Our sex this time was enjoyable. Simply because it was very long time since we have sex. We just fucked, no kiss no foreplay. I felt like we were reminiscing for a good ol time. But this time there was no passion no more. I think he felt that too. I wonder if I was compelled to have sex with him again just to keep our friendship going or just to repay his expensive sushi lunch treat on that day itself. If sex was taken out of the equation, will this platonic friendship be ended as I speak?

   

My Enjoyable Time at KL Gay Sauna

Dear Zach,

Going to gay sauna on Thursday night has been my weekly routine for the past few months. Because Friday and Saturday night the crowd is crazy and , most of the time, you are likely to queue for the locker availability. I went on Saturday evening one time, arrived at the door 7.30pm, I was given a queuing number 55. I was confused and looked around me, all the guys were awaiting for the entry. In that case, there were 54 guys waiting ahead for me. I thought of leaving, but I took the train to reach here for 45 minutes. I ain't going back empty handed. So I waited 1 hour and 30 minutes instead to get in. The gay sauna is named as Otot-otot (otot2) and located at the center of KL. To travel there, just go by train and walk for 5 minutes. You won't be able to see the signage of the shop, but you would have to search for a bit of the entrance to the stairs as it is located on the 2nd floor of a secluded rundown shoplot. And it is the only entrance opened at night. I frequently saw some first timer wondering in front of the entrance, thinking they were lost, but when they saw me walked through the entrance up to the stairs, they followed me a few steps behind as it gave them an assurance that we are going the same place. 

Every Thursday evening, once I checked in at 7.30pm, I always dip myself into the hot pool to relax my aching body, since I work out 6 days a week, followed by 10 minutes intermittent sweating session in the dry sauna. Since it is Thursday, the crowd is significantly smaller than those at weekend. Most of the time, the dry sauna is empty and I can be fully nude, even when there is some guys around, and enjoy the heat engulfing me. There is a dark steam bath room, I did not like it there, because most guys had their action there. I like to have my own private time without someone disrupting my train of thoughts. And there are 2 dark halls mainly for your discreet pleasure; On weekend night, it would not be too discreet anymore. There would always be a group sex action in either one of the dark halls - the sounds of fapping, the soft moaning at every corner, the sloppy blowjob, cheeks slapping, and the cry of ultimate pleasure. In the dark hall, you can only see the silhouettes of men to men action. Sometimes when I roam around the hall, I would accidently step on remnants of leftover cum. Since then, I always bring my own slipper along.   

I always enjoy my time in the dry sauna. I was drenched in sweat and relief. Sometimes, there were some guys would come in to check out, and saw me naked sitting on the wooden bench, moved closer to me and caressed my sweaty thick thighs and slid their hand across to my dick, but I would politely move my thigh away as if telling them I am not interested. But those I am interested in, I would whisper into their ear "Later." They would give me a smile and walked away and seek for their next prey or maybe waiting for me later.

The sauna is, no doubt, a hub for regular comers. I always saw the regulars every time I go there. I did not make any sexual contact with any of them. Nor do I talk to them. We all just acknowledge each other's presence with our own intention to be there. It is a hub for sexual release, but it can also be a hub of safe space for queer to be around and surrounded. There is no specific type of men roaming around; there are plethora types of men roaming around confidently with towels around their hips, bulge protruding, and walking around the premise freely and respectfully. 

The sauna is mainly filled with local Malays, followed by Chinese, fraction of local Indians and foreigners from all around the globe. I've had my fair chance with plenty of good-looking guys and gym-fit muscular who are usually local. As for white foreigners, I only had fun with this 50 y.o french bottom who enjoy sucking every inch of me. They always think I was a top and grind their ass against my hard rod on their back while we were making out passionately in the toilet room. Some were surprised at my admission that I am a bottom because my physical trait do not justify like one. Since when a masculinity always be defined as top nowadays? I thought tops these days prefer masculine bottoms? Most of the time, we just made out, gave each other a great blow job, and both cum a river. By the time we were finished, it was already 10pm. I cleaned myself up and showered and left to catch the train back home. Some days when I got no luck or not in the mood to have fun, I would just leave before 10 pm.

The Pakistanis Dicks

Dear Zach,

I have an addiction. Nothing too serious but I am just addicted to certain type of dicks I couldn't get enough of - the Pakistanis dicks. 

It all started few years back, if i still remember, when I first started hooking up with some Pakistanis lads living and working around my place. My area of living is surrounded mostly by the large manufacturing and production factories. There is no doubt there would be plenty of foreign labor workers working and living somewhere nearby my place. Whenever I went out to buy some grocery at the local market store, it would be full of Bangladeshi, Pakistanis, and Myammarese buying raw cooking materials for their meal prep. And their body odors are the most distinguished ones as you can smell them from miles away - musky sweat smells.

My first sexual encounter with a Pakistanis was few years back where he worked in one of the junk shops just right across the street of my area of living. He chatted me up in Grindr, his English proficiency was very limited - so does every Pakistanis I met over the years. We conversed in a very simple words. He sent his dick pic and I was shocked and fairly impressed. Moment later, I met him at the junk shop, he was dirty, sweaty, and his face is covered with facial oil due to long hours of work. He hushed me into a corner of the shop where it was quite secluded while he can still keep an eye of the entrance if his boss walked in suddenly. He nudged me to kneel down, and he whipped it out with his solid 7 inches cut dick. It was so beautiful. I have never seen a big solid dick with minimal veins across its shaft yet it was bulging with passion. I sucked its passion off furiously - smooth and easy in my mouth. Ever since then, I was looking forward to meeting any Pakistanis I came across with.

Most of the Pakistanis men I met are downright straight-looking and masculine. They have a mixture of arab and europeon facial feature with beards, hairy chest, tall, dark, and some of them are really handsome. And, yes, most of them are well-endowed, since I am a size queen, I was never have to worry about it. In fact, they seem proud of their dick and would rather send me their dick pic instead of face pic in Grindr. Although they are packing with size, their performance in bed is rather disappointing. 8 out of 10 of them I met, they cum rather quickly. Once they are done, they couldn't wait to want you to leave the premises. Which is understandable because they mostly live in a group with other fellows. They only invite me over when their peers were out. 

It is my one of my fetish - love getting down and dirty with these low-class labor workers, getting railed hard by their exuding male pheromones and masculinity. Their body odor drive me crazy. The best part is that these Pakistanis men would also call some of their peers over to fuck me one by one. They are not ashamed of what they do unlike the Malays here. In fact, there was one Pakistanis man I met for several times (before he went MIA last year), that he was amazing in bed and fucked me so good, invited me over to his house where most of his peers (over 6 of them) were around in the house, they looked at me like I was a feast. He walked behind me to his stuffy room nonchalantly and gave them a wicked wink as if telling them he hit jack pot. We fucked so loud I believed his peers sitting in the living room could hear everything we did. After he was done, I was getting ready to clean up, here comes another peer of his walked through the door, looking at me hungrily, they spoke in Urdu language, later, the top walked out and told me that his peer wants to fuck and left us alone in the room, I was more than happy to do it. That night, my ass was ravished by at least 3 Pakistanis dicks back to back. I was such a dirty slut I love it.

When comes to protection, they are more than willing to oblige to wearing condom. Some of them refuse, but they gave in eventually. They don't do foreplay - kissing, sucking, etc. They always eager to get down to anal business despite they are more than happy when I give them a sloppy blowjob all over their 7 inches shaft. 

Language barrier was never an issue when comes to sex. They needed it as much as we do. We spoke simple English like "meet?", "where?", "sex", and these are the universal code can be easily understood when men intend to fornicate. Some of them are rude. Some of them are nice. But those rude ones usually fuck me the hardest and manliest and horniest. I did converse with some of them and they are able to speak Malay. They said they would prefer fucking a man than woman because man are proactive in giving sexual pleasure, despite all of them claimed to be "bisexual".

Whenever I met some new Pakistanis man, I always greeted by 2 or 3 of them upon arrival. Again, instead of a group sex, they would rather enjoy the private moment with me one by one - after one has done, leave, and the next one come in. These gang-up sex scenarios happened very frequently as most of them share a room in a low cost apartment unit, hence they share "me" amongst them for their sexual pleasure need. Very often, they would forward my number to their other peers, then I would very often get some random text asking for meetup - Some I met at his workplace at night where he worked a security guard, we fucked in his security hut facing the silent main road. Some we met in my car and fucked inside my car - it was uncomfortable. Only recently, I started to bring a Pakistanis man back to my home at night as I deemed him trustworthy enough.

But few months ago, I started to block most of them in contact. They tend to become more and more persistent in meeting up in every week. When text was not replied, they would kept calling my phone.  I told myself I should stop meeting them as they are quite dangerous people. But part of me incline to putting myself at risk for sex. Last week, I unblocked most of them. Turned out, one of them, which is my favorite and the handsome one texted me last night after blocking him for 2 months. My body yearn for him so much. Last night, I had an amazing made out session with this super handsome lad in gay sauna, turned out he is a Pakistanis, born and bred in Hong Kong. What a coincidence, really. This must be a tell-tale sign. So I made a mistake texting him back this afternoon. Before I knew it, I was at his place, getting dick-deep by him, moaning in silent while his peer was sleeping on the concrete floor outside. Once we finished, we didn't speak much. He just said "meet again ok". I nodded and left in hurry with his musky, sweaty, body odor all over me when we were naked body to body.

It turns me on so much to think when these low-class foreign labor workers having superior sexual control over my body and I, in return, giving them a sexual satisfaction they needed the most during their hardest days at work.  

Off Grid

Dear Zach,

I have not been active on Instagram for weeks now. I believe that IG has gotten me engrossed to my phone for much longer hour than I expected I needed it to stop. I have 3 separate accounts: one is personal fitness progress pic since 2018 ; one is for my art page but now all the posts have been completely wiped off ; last one is my crochet crafting page I created during 2020 pandemic lockdown, and it has not been active since 2023. I have deleted X and Bluesky. The only social medium I am active on is Facebook. But my FB has zero friends except my brother. I kept all my social media private. I never liked the idea of sharing my whole life on social media for attention and validation. Things can go easily viral these days for whatever reason and, very sadly, you would be shamed and blacklashed for their own justification. I only use FB for current news and trend I can keep up with.

I have been asked for my IG handle but I politely told them I do not have one - they frowned at me, they must be thinking what kind of 30 year old millennium do not have a IG handle, he must be weird. To me, it is a good thing to stay off social media grid. It is exhausting and time-wasting. I just do not understand what kind of person likes to tell the world about the food he eats in a day in which nobody would care. And, also, why does every influencer has to be semi-naked in every other post? Since when has IG become so sexual? 

I wonder how many social media handles you all have and do you all share your entire life on it ? 

Oddly Quiet

Dear Zach,

My house is peacefully quiet now. With only me and my dad in the house, we slowly adapt to living our life just the two of us. I can tell that my dad is relief. But I know he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he would say that "it is awfully quiet now..." as compared to few weeks ago when my late mum was in bed, the vibrating sound of the oxygen tank in the room rattling across the living room. Now, the tranquility in our home has settled us into new sense of unease. It is not a bad thing, but it is hard to accept that we will have to come to the terms that this uneasiness will always and be forever around. Sometimes I would walk into mum's room, holding one of the photo frames, looking at her smiling through the picture, telling her about my day with a lump in throat and teary eyes.

My phone's notification is awfully silent now. Before my late mum died, I received messages every other day asking about my mum's condition and whatnot. Now that she passed, all the messages have stopped. I am glad because I am tired of it. 

During my late mum's wake, I did post a whatsapp story about my mum obituary. I would at least expect my regular fuck buddy would send me a condolence as I did to his late grandma few months back. I also did not receive any condolence messages from a close friend of mine. Or anyone if that matters. I was disappointed, especially at my long term regular fuck buddy. Funny how vulnerable moments like this truly shows who the true friends are. I realized I have no one at all. To them, I was just a bottom who is great in sex. Probably I should have sent them a message. But I am a very passive guy - making a move telling my mum's passing to my gay hook ups is the last thing I would want to do. I did try to engage my regular fuck buddy again for sex meet up few days ago. We were not able to meet up for the past 3 months - it was either he busy, or accident came up when we planned for the day, or I wasn't free for that moment. I asked "wanna have sex today?", he said "nope". That was my last straw. I am done asking and begging. I have made efforts so many times and everytime he seemed to be lack of interest. Same goes to my one close friend, whenever I tried to strike up a text conversation, he seems monotonous to my reply. Just because I have no interest having sex with you again so I deserved to get treated like this? I was upset at myself when I thought I was becoming close to them turned out I was dead wrong and they used me only for sex. I removed their contacts from my phone book and hide their chat history into archives. I deserve better.

I scrolled past my whatsapp contacts, I realized I have no friend at all. But mostly are just acquaintances. Time like this I got no one else to talk to but to write on my blog instead.   

Dear Mum, ... ...

Dear Mum,

Your wake and funeral were proceeded smoothly as expected over the last weekend. There were many family and friends attended your wake, and, most importantly, the important family members sending you off on your funeral.

You were surrounded by your beloved husband and sons when you were on your last breath on your bed. We were thankful for the caregiver who responded quickly to you and to us before your departure, so that we can give you a proper goodbye. 

Witnessing the moment when you stopped breathing has shattered my heart. It was unreal and indescribable. It has instilled into my core memory and It was the moment I'll never be able to forget.  I never thought moment like this that happened in most tv drama would finally happened on me. When the hearse dropped by at night to bring you out of the bed to the funeral parlor, I could not imagine how life is gonna be without your presence at home. You are now finally out of misery and in search of freedom in next life. I caressed your face before they brought you to the back of the hearse.

Everything went smoothly from A to Z. With such hefty price to pay, the service for your funeral was top tier. There were a lot of tears - mostly came from me. Everytime I looked at your beautiful face at your coffin, it reminded me how fortunate of me to be able to take care of you going through the hardship of your last phase of life - how you relied on me, trusting me on every decision I made to lessen your pain so that you can walked through your remaining days with ease and comfort. The last words you told me before you fell into unconsciousness was "Why are you still here? I thought you were out?" .. funny how you thought of me who likes to go out.

We scattered your ashes to the sea on the next day after the cremation. This was what you wished for - traveling around the world. We were driven out from the jetty and 5 minutes to the bed of the sea, with a bit of chanting and prayers, then we grabbed your ashes and flowers and scattered all over the seabed. But the wind was strong and not in our favor, it was all over our face with your remnants. But thankfully, the wind died down quickly and got it down as soon as possible. We dropped your urn into the sea, accompanied with the heavy waves motion, you were happily moving away from us as I gave you my last waving goodbye before seeing you disappearing into the ocean.       

Dad's Tears

Dear Zach,

The first time I saw my dad having tear-jerking moment was 15 years ago when he had a low-back surgery. The surgery was a success but it costed our family a whole emotional ride. The surgery had changed my dad emotionally - he sometimes would cry out of the blue. We were shocked because this was the very first time seeing him cried. In those weeks, I always heard argument broke out between my mum and dad. Then my dad would start crying. Sobbing like a kid. Some days, he would just walked around the house, my mum would tell him to stop walking around the house, then my dad would start crying saying he was just worried. As time passed, he consulted a psy doctor and was diagnosed with post-surgery depression - treated with medication and weeks later he slowly regained his composure back to him old self.

The second time was 2 days ago. My dad held my mum's arm, comforting her as she was beginning to become unconscious, laying on bed, he broke down in tears caressing her face and forehead, telling her "we will be alright." My mum could no longer speak and swallow; Her eyes were lifeless even though they were open; Her breath was heavy and hard as her lungs were failing. Her condition has deteriorated in the last 2 days.

I tried talking to her about my day, gossips, and my failed attempts in making soup. The more I talked to her, the more I realized I will miss conversing with her after she gone. I will miss her; I miss everything about her. I could not help it but to break down in tears in between, telling her I will take care of dad and her beloved ferns in which she has grown them for over 30 years. Seeing her being unresponsive made me sobbed even harder.        

Sex Marathon

Dear Zach,

On Monday, I invited this Chinese top over to my place at night. We have met once a month ago. He has been texting me for meetup but I have been fielding his text like an CIA. Partly because he wasn't that good in bed. But he was good-looking and has this semi-muscular build and solid chest. But his flabby tummy gave him away as an overweight fat guy. We had a nice after-sex talk on my bed. I thought of him as a decent bloke and can be a great fit for those desperate bottoms who want a boyfriend. But not for me. This time I asked him over again. He arrived earlier than usual. I told him to wait outside for a few minutes as I was still douching and the water still hasn't cleared out. Took me a whole 20 minutes to clean my inside out. When we were in our room, he seemed to cannot wait to slide into me. Minute of foreplay, I was ended up in a missionary position, waiting for him to get inside of me. He slip his condom on and into me. "Oh god, it was so good. You are so tight." Before we knew it, he cum. Too soon. It lasted less than a minute? Then he flop on me and turn to the side. "Sorry, I was too horny and excited." He seemed apologetic for the ultra brief minute. "nah .. its fine.."I said. In fact, I wasn't fine. I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom cleaning my inside out and what I got in return was a minute sex. I wasn't offended. But just disappointed. The math was not mathing up. We chatted a while on my bed. His face was facing on my side, finger circling around my chest and nipple. It was 11.15pm. I told him to go as I was tired and ready to hit the sack."

On Tuesday, I was so horny as usual. Ever since I have started to bulk my physique, I am extremely horny and wanting sex all the time. I jerked off in the shower every night before I sleep. That night, I chatted up with this Chinese twink with his 6 inches dick in Grindr. He gave me a swift response and agreed to come later at night. That night, he fucked me senseless. Every twink with big dick I met they can fuck. Real good. The session wasn't long thankfully. But it was good. 

On Thursday, right after I came back home from my weekly gay sauna session, it was already 11pm, but I was horny as hell. I tried my luck inviting Munchy again in Grindr because I missed his magic mouth on my ass. He replied 30 minutes later. I was reluctant as I was getting ready to bed. But I want to get railed hard. He came over 15 minutes later. We made out so hard and he licked all over my body and ate my ass like a snack. He slid into me real quick. From sensual to rough to sensual, although his dick was just mere 6 inches, but I can feel his everything inside of me. As it was getting late, we both were tired, we finished up in the shower room, and cleaned up and he left. 

I was planning to meet up with this new regular Indian top on Friday. But since he hasn't texted me that night. I decided to call it a night.

Body Count: 1691

Dear Zach,

Years ago, I kept track my body count in Google spreadsheet of the time, place, and dick size, overall experience, anal/oral, and number of times we met. I kept track for a year and I realized I was such a slut. Basically, in that particular year, I had sex with over 30 different guys (could be more, but I humbled it down) But as the year went by, my body count got lesser and lesser. Probably because I was comfortable with a few sexual partners whenever I was in need and tired of getting to know a new guy's liking and fetish.

Few days ago, a news erupted over the internet about this middle-aged China man who allegedly cross-dressing (imagine an old man with makeup and long wig) to meet over 1691 for sex and secretly film the entire sexual encounters and share it online as subscription. I am gob smacked and hands down by the number. I am still an amateur! 

Some of its videos have been circulating online with uncensored identities. The worst part is that some of the victims' family and friends recognized them in the video. The best part is ... ... some of his male encounters are super hot looking. Why is this so unfair? Like, what is the best part of this crossdresser having such appeal to attract these smoking hot guys to have sex with him? I worked so hard on sculpting my body in the gym to have hot sex with hot guys turned out most of my tops are just average in shape. I guess China men are made different and have such unique taste in men. Who can blame them when life in China is extremely stressful enough for the local?

Sometimes when I have sex with my tops, I would ask permission to film our sex as long as there is no face being shown. But this only happened when the sex was amazing and we decided to film it as souvenir. Not very often I would do this now.

What is your body count? Do you have body count over 1000? 

You can read the news here  .

Uncertainty

Dear Zach,

9 years later, this post I wrote still hit me hard to my core.

I have survived through the pandemic, the recession, the downs, and the lows. After all these years, I still can't believe I am still alive and well writing this.

I am still lost. Even worst, I have no job, no prospect, no passion. With my mum's nearing to death, I have come to terms that she will never be able to see my success in future. 

I used to love reading, in which it led me to think that I would be a writer someday. Recently, after learning that being a self-published author in Malaysia is like throwing your money into the empty pit, the dream of being a writer has been casted further away.

I have tried being acrylic artist for a year. It started out well. With exhibitions and art fairs that I have participated, I made no money from all of that. In fact, I was at financial loss in every fairs and exhibitions I attended. But I was fortunate enough to get invited to be part of group exhibitions. It lasted until the beginning of this year when my mum's cancer becoming serious, I decided to give it all up and shift my focus on her since it is not working for me and I don't see myself in working this line of career. 

What is your dream? To be fair, you only can dream when you have achieved financial freedom. Because all the dreams we have certainly involves money.

Just like what will be my plan after my mum died? 

Munching

Dear Zach,

Last night, I asked this Malay massuer in Grindr to come over to my place at night for a massage. It was kind of a last minute request for him as the clock was closing to 10pm. I was in the middle of cleaning out some boxes in the kitchen and got his massage saying he was available. So I invited him over.

For the past months, I have been diligently going to gay sauna strictly for use of sauna and jacuzzi. Anything more than it supposed to be happened in the gay sauna depended on my mood whether I was into the guy or horny. I have been working out in the gym a lot -- 6 days a week of heaving training. And I am in my caloric surplus to gain new weight goal - 90kg. I am at 80kg now. So going to sauna was to help for recuperation from the intense workout I did in the gym.

This month I decided to forgo the idea of going to sauna and have a weekly massage session instead.

The massuer came at 10.30pm sharp. I did not ask for his picture in grindr because I just wanted a massage. He looks average, tan skinned, slightly shorter than me, stocky built and a wide lips. It didnt bother me because I ONLY wanted a massage. I stripped naked and laid on the bed on my stomach. He started massaging me in strong pressure on my legs. From my calves to my butt. It felt good. As 10 minutes into the massage, I realized that he has been accentuated the massage on my butt. His slippery hands with oil slid across my ass crack thinking I wouldn't notice what he was doing. He was certainly doing what I thought he was doing. He spread my butt cheeks apart several time in the motion of massage. I did not notice how long he has been circling around my ass, no long after, I felt a warm tongue on my orifice. I let out a soft moan. He pulled away and continued to slide his fingers across my slit. And, again, stuff his face into my ass.

"I love your ass. It is so perfect." He said.

"Thanks, I work out very hard on it."

This time I was on my knee slightly shoulder-width apart, nudging him an invitation to eat my ass again. He gladly complied and munched on my ass. His wide lips was meant to munch food and one of it was my ass. I could not remember when was the last time I got my ass eaten. But it wasn't as good as he did. His sloppy and wet mouth munching on my orifice as if it was his supper. I can't help but to let out my moans as much as I wanted to suppress it.

"You like that? Emmmmmmm..." He said, in between his breath. "Oh god, your ass is amazing." He jiggled it. 

I knew the massage wasn't going to continue, so I decided to turn over and get the deed done.

Before we knew it, he was fully naked with a 5 inches hard-on. He slide into me with ease with the mixture of his sloppy saliva and silicone lubricant. He fucked me hard in doggy style. The whole fucking lasted for at least 10 minutes. He cum on chest in the end.

He cleaned up and left after I paid him.

I was disappointed the massage did not go well for me. But at least I got my ass ate for good.

 

     

I Worked as Sex Worker and Onlyfans Amateur Gay Porn Star, and I Do Not Regret It.

Dear Zach,

It all started when I started to work as freelancer in 2018. It was hard -- trying to find odd jobs everywhere to pay off my bills and car loan. So I started to provide massage service by advertising online. Back in the days, the only website ,where you could search for local gay activity such gay massage parlor, gay sauna, and other exciting sexecapades, was a gay forum managed by a Singaporean company known as blowingwind. I advertised there. Slowly, I got requests every other day for massage service. When it comes to massage services for gay men, it never will be only massage. The massage is like a 1 hour foreplay, the main course is the sex. After the few attempts to reject myself from subjecting to sex, I realized if I don't do it, I will be doomed. So, I kept myself open-minded and have sex for pay.

I was picking up momentum in my services. I got clients from the locals and overseas, I ran from one fancy hotel to another in downtown, sucking dicks of different ethnicities and sizes and shapes, and got penetrated almost every other day by mostly unattractive, middle-aged, married, fat guys. I always play safe with condoms - which most of the customers do. Since I am a pure bottom, getting fucked was an relatively easy task. I was good in pretending feeling good. To be able to fake moaning, it was a skill. It was to tell the customers they are doing right and giving them the right to feel good. But some of them they fucked me real good I actually enjoyed it. Not sure what was it with these married man, they are extremely horny.

Towards the end of 2018, that time I was becoming active in twitter, and my services was slow down so I have to think of way to make money. Therefore, I took a leap faith and tried to upload a sex video of myself in twitter. The next day, my video was exploded with thousand of likes and hundreds of retweets. I was shocked that it got popular. I was happy and worried at the same time. My followers shot up from hundreds to 2k in just 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. The next few days, I uploaded another clip of me sucking a dick. It got popular as well. And I received plenty of messages about where they can watch my contents. As my followers was climbing exponentially high, I decided to open an onlyfans creator account to monetize my contents. It was a risky move. At that time, onlyfans was relatively fresh and unknown in my country. So it wasn't illegal so to speak.

Just like any other online content creator, you need to consistently upload fresh new content to engage your audience. So I made with video content with some fellow followers who were into it, and some customers of mine were okay getting recorded in sex but no face being shown. It was all amateur, nothing professional, nothing fancy. Just men 2 men enjoying sex. Each month, I dropped at least 2 new video contents in my OF page. As I saw the money coming in, I knew I was doing the right thing at the moment. My twitter page at that time had a whooping 20k followers and still climbing. I almost thought I was a gay porn star for real. Every day, I got messages for massage services and sex video collab, in which I was more than willing to comply to get my OF page going. Massage services and onlyfans were my 2 major sources of income in 2019. 

With the money I garnered every month, I managed to save a large chuck of money in my saving account. I managed to paid off my car loan once and for all. Technically, I was debt-free and financially independent.

As 2020 loomed in, with Covid and lockdown, all things went to hell. But not for me. I managed to survive lockdowns for 2 years with the saving I had. And every month I was still able to cash in from my OF account, still able to upload contents I made from a year before as I have made so much video contents with too many guys. To be honest, I am not a big spender. With the money I have then, I could have bought something fancy. But I did not. I save for emergency use and years to come. I live a very mundane life just like regular people even though I was a self-proclaimed porn star.

One day, I received an email from OF saying my videos have violated their rules and regulations, telling me to remove them or to obtain consent right from the party who involved in my videos. As OF was gaining their reputation, their rules and regulations have also been constantly updated to protect themselves against lawsuit. Some of my videos were hidden. I was not able to upload my content anymore since they have set such regulation for all the creators especially the home-made videos. As the years went by, I let my OF page died slowly. Even my twitter page was not updated frequently as before. I got concerned messages from fans asking if I was alright. In the end of 2022, I decided to close my twitter account. But I did not close my OF account. But I believe it has been deactivated by now.

Thankfully, I moved out from the local gay porn scene before it got overhyped by the local gays who did the same thing as me. It was dangerous as OF was getting its recognition on the news media in the recent years, and some of them have taken the advantage of do porn and upload online for monetization. However, it was all too late by then. As it becoming more exposed, the authorities have taken action against some Malay porn-star wannabes for uploading explicit content online. Some was arrested and charged. I was fortunate enough to jump out of the wagon because I knew it wasn't legal.

So that's what happened over the past 6 years going MIA. And I do not regret doing them. I believed God must have his reason to lead me to this path of life. Whatever it is, I am grateful that it happened.

I am writing this down so that I will never forget.  

Crave for Touch

Dear Zach,

These night I invited some tops over to my place to have sex after my parents asleep. My dad usually pop some sleeping pills before he sleeps, when he sleeps, he sleeps dead. My mum is obviously bed-ridden. So I wouldn't worry much about getting caught.

Rather than asking the tops to come through backdoor of my house at the back alley and straight to my room which they usually do beforehand, now I ask them to just come through the front door to avoid suspicion. Although I can finally host at night for sex, not many of them would want to come at late 10.30 pm on the weekdays just for a shag. Somehow there were a few willing to come as long as there is a bed, air-conditioner, and privacy for them to fuck. My bed time was 11pm. But when there is a sex ensued on that night, I would sleep at 12am. When I said you come at 1030pm, you come at 10.30pm sharp. Don't be late. Sex is important, but my sleep is way more importanter.

After a good ol' 20 minutes of good shag, I usually ask them if they wanna cuddle for a while. Most of them comply. Not sure why these days I was being nice and clingy to the tops. I tend to ask for cuddling after sex which I usually don't do. Sometimes during cuddling, I would sneak some pecks on their cheeks as if we were a couple, showing some affection after sex. Then, we would talk a bit of ourselves. But as it is getting late and they have to wake up early for work next morning, the after-sex cuddling last around 5 minutes the most. I am understanding because i also need my sleep. But it feels good to be embraced in someone's arm, sniffing their chest, sneaking pecks, and laying my head on their chest listening their pounding heartbeat. If this was me few years ago, I would have asked the tops to leave as soon as they were done. Is it true that when you grew older, you crave for more personal connection?

Spring Cleaning

Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, I have been doing spring-cleaning of the things in the cabinets where my mum stores most of the unwanted tupperwares and empty containers. Little did I know that collecting empty and unused containers was my mum hobby. She always collect and store it for just-in-case - Just in case we need to store the biscuits ; Just in case there is leftover lunch ; Just in case we may need it in the future. Somehow, the chances of it happening was close to none. In the end, she ended up buying more empty containers without realizing there were plenty of it at home in the cabinets left untouched for years.

I have cleared bit by bit. All of them stored in the carton boxes. There were also plentiful of cutleries, plates, mugs, and so many kitchen wares stored in the cabinet, unused. In the process of clearing up, I was also in the process of getting to know how my mum stored things. Each carton box was a mystery to me, as if awaiting for me to unveil what is inside of the box. There were plates - flowery and intricate designs. I did not throw them away, because my mum loves beautiful items. Also, I did not have the heart to throw away such pieces, but some of them was covered with mold and seemingly worn out on its own.

The more I cleared, the more I got to know my mum -- each step I clear is a trace of my mum how she stored, how she felt for each piece of plate and saucer she stored could never see the light of the day til she die. Somehow, clearing unwanted things is the way to move on and let other important things to have their rightful place to be stored, kept, and treasured. My dad has no comment seeing how I climbed up and down the ladder to make space for the cabinet by carrying the large boxes up and down. There was a tad bit of sadness flashed across his face, somehow he knew deep down inside, most of the stuffs were just unused and a waste of space. 

I Don't Know

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, my home has been a busy hub hosting for friends and relatives to visit my mum who is bed-ridden now. Most of the relatives were coming outstation purposely to visit her for one last time. Although my mum could not recognize some of them, she still managed to open her eyes, staring at them, as if she recognize them, but barely able to speak. When she speaks, she speaks too softly, out of breath. She can barely move now due to pain. Pain is her best companion now til death do her apart. My dad has hired a day-carer to bath and change and feed for her. My dad had had enough of everything as if wishing my mum to leave the world as soon as she could, rather than seeing her suffering day by day, dying internally. Although the cost of hiring a carer was expensive, it was a price my dad willing to foot and wanting my mum to rest in comfort and peace. 

My aunt came to my room yesterday and asked.

"What is your plan after your mum died?"

It is a question, no doubt, I have been asking myself since years then and til now. What is my plan? 

To be truthful, I do not know, I said. 

I am in my 30s. No job prospect. Had a very interesting work background for a year in 2019. Learnt a bit and pieces of everything - I am jack of all trades, master of none.

I used to be passionate about something. Tried pursuing it. Somehow of being passionate about something does not guarantee you a financial security. Then, my passion died. Never thought of it again. 

As much as I wanted to tell my aunt about my plan. I couldn't. Usually, I would have came up with something. This time, I told her, "I really don't know."

Changing Who I am

 Dear Zach,

Over the weekend, my brother flew in with his family to visit our mum while she was still hospitalized til today. Although she was allowed to be discharged on Saturday, unfortunately, the requirement to discharge her was that we need to obtain oxygen support aid for her or else she will be back VERY soon to the wad. We were frantically asking around and making calls for the aids support. However, nothing comes cheap. I have talked to a few supplier, they quoted me a bomb. Sadly, the hospice care ,whom they frequently come and check on my mum, was off over the weekend. So the best scenario for that moment, I persuaded my mum to stay at hospital til Monday. She was upset but it was the best thing to do.

My nephew and niece were a nightmare in the house - running and screaming over toys. My sis-in-law was screaming down at them all the time. It is a great reminder to me that I am glad to be gay for now and forever - I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and hole, despise kids with passion. I am not great with kids. Kids don't like me. I don't care because I don't like them either - never will be. They were cute when they were babies; but when they grew up they are anything but cute. They reinforce my intention of never wanting to have kid all the more if I ever got married. I can't deal with them. I just can't. 

I sat down with my brother to have some serious talk about mum and dad and, also, me. Somehow he was told about the quarrel between me and my dad. I was told that I have a strong attitude since growing up, the world does not revolve around me, it's either I change to suit the society or the society detest you. I admit that I am an emotional guy with strong sense of attitude. I speak about the truth; I never liked to sugarcoat because it is pointless and fake. I am quiet on my own, but when I speak I speak lethal. That's why people who know me, they confide in me because i spoke about the truth. Many dislike me; some would respect me. This is who I am. But to change myself to fit in so that I can be likeable, I have tried that when I was employed. I was likeable, but it shattered me because I was trying to fit in rather than trying hard to do my job. I listened to my brother admonishment attentively, I did not resort to any self-defensive argument. I just listened to him. He's my only brother after all. He took over the process of preparing our mum's funeral - which was a relief for me and my dad. 

 

Bad Sex ; Great Sex ; Awaited Sex

Dear Zach,

I was in the mood to get railed so hard these days simply because of everything happening with me - my mum, the cancer, the stress, the hopeless future, my fitness bulking process, constant working out in the gym, the canker sore inside my gum killing me, and etc.

I was supposed to meet this new regular, whom I have met twice and the sex was amazing and he is an indian, few nights ago, but he did not reply my message until I have found another top whom I met in the gay sauna twice and we had light fun there and he is a Malay which I strictly don't prefer. Well, I met this Malay top in the sauna before I swore off meeting up with malay man, so technically speaking, I am not going against my integrity. Sound silly I know lol. Probably you may think this is unjustifiable. Anyway, he was on the way back home and he messaged me on whatsapp,

"did you just block me on grindr?" he wrote.

"huh? no." I replied.

"cause your profile pic was blank."

"probably I just changed to a new pic. thats why."

"ok. wanna meet up?"

I was horny and awaiting for my new regular top to reply but to no avail. So I invited him over since we both had some fun in the sauna and it was great. Somehow, the sex was underwhelming as fuck. It was just that the chemistry was off and he was trying so hard to pretend a Dominant but kinda failed. I felt like we were not as enthusiastic as we were before in the sauna. Also, there were some icks of him have made me turn off. I sent him off at the door when we finished and he texted me "thank you.". I wished him safe drive and good night and delete his conversation off my chat list. 

The next night, I invited the new regular top. We had a great time. He fucked me 3 times, and made out at the front door before he left.

I woke up the next morning thoroughly fucked. 

Thought of getting another indian top tonight whom I chated with 2 days ago as we both were interested to meet for sex. But alas, he has to work night shift, so we might meet tomorrow or the night after tomorrow. 

Guilty to Be Relief

 Dear Zach,

My mum was admitted to hospital again on Tuesday night. Her serious case of amnesia has gotten us worried, and the hospice nurse advised us to bring her to the ER. By 11pm, we knew it gonna take long hours in order to get my mum admitted to the wad when you were dealing with government hospital, we left her under the care of the nurses and doctors and went home ourselves. 

We went and visited her every afternoon lunch hour. She was in great care. She still did not eat. Her emotions were high and low, rendering us feeling agitated when talking to her. She was still in confusion - talking something that didn't even exist. I can feel my dad feeling sad and stress for her. I decided to end the visit quickly and got us out from there.

For the past few days, our home was in peace. I can feel the tension dissipated. My dad did what he enjoys to do - mending her backyard garden. He seemed relaxed and enjoyed the tranquility knowing my mum was in the hospital taken care of. It felt as if this was going to be the life if my mum passed. I felt guilty that I was relief when my mum was not bed-ridden at home, hoping she would just stay at the hospital til she passes, rather than coming back home having endless pains and complains. 

Today, we went to visit her. The doctor said she will likely be discharged tomorrow. We are glad but deep down inside we wish she stay there instead. 

Am I a bad son? 

Angry Bird

 Dear Zach,

Anger management course should be mandatory for men who are undergoing mid-life crisis. Or probably for people like me. These days I really can't control my anger. I snapped easily - especially when there was a slight inconvenience.

I get frustrated so easily there were days I snapped at my dad for repeating 3 times and yet he couldn't hear what I said. He somehow he knew my simmering anger beneath me, he would just pretend he heard but, in actual fact, he couldn't. He is 70 with bad hearing problem. I felt guilty too.

Just like how I snapped at this fat indian technician from the insurance company who got on my last nerve trying to assist me changing my punctured tyre somehow he DID NOT bring any instruments to refill the air of the spare tyre, and still have the decency to say, "I am here just to change the tyre. We don't do air-refill etc", and yet I waited him for 2 hours for his arrival to my home just to fucking change the flatten tyre to another spare flatten tyre. Thanks for nothing, fat ass.

I get angry so easily. I feel hostile all the time. Like I am trying to fight whoever comes to my way or in my way. Why am I like this? Is it because I have been spending all my time alone at home, avoiding people not socializing, not working, removing toxic friends, keeping my circle to none, doing my own thing that make me feel contented? 

Do I have mental issue?

  

The Spanish Dick

 Dear Zach,

It was one of the Saturday afternoon last year when I was in my car in the middle of waiting at the traffic light, my grindr notification rang off. I swiped opened my mobile and looked through the message. It was a headless profile but showing an average lean body. And he unlocked his private album to me with a message "hi". A nice long 7 inches cock - a few angle of the pictures of cock accentuated how big it was, followed by a cute boyish looking spectacled guy with a backpack, and a few more pic of him.

I returned the message with a "hi". It was quick exchange because he wanted what he wanted. He sent me his location which was only 15 minutes away from where I was. And, fortunately, I douched before I left the house that day. I drove to his place and texted him when I arrived. He stayed at a private condominium where it needs access card to enter and use the lift to his unit. I waited for 5 minutes before he showed up and greeted me. My first impression of him was that he was a bit shy, probably a few inches shorter than me, lean average built. And I thought he was a Filipino due to his look. He stayed in an open-spaced studio apartment unit - you can see everything within your views. The bed was at the far end corner close to the balcony. And the air was very humid and stuffy.

I excused myself to the toilet and douched again making sure the water ran through clean. When I was out, I was shirtless, he was waiting for me at his bed. I climbed over him on top, and sealed my lips against his. Seconds later, we both thug our clothes out and were naked and hard. His body was smooth and lean but not athletic, but it was enough for you to taste his body. His 7 inches cock was not a lie. I leaned down on him and started putting his giant meat in my mouth. His dick was warm, firm, and mouthful. I was hungry. I slide my lips across his long shaft and sniffed it - it smells musty and of me. My head bobbing up an down giving him a sloppy blowjob; he was moaning, fingers going through my bald head, it was enough to make him rock hard. He flipped me over and started eating my ass. Each lick of his tongue against my orifice I moaned. Each thrust of his tongue into my hole I screamed "fuuuuccckk". His mouth was wet and his tongue was magical - a deadly combo I can't resist. I came up and kissed him again. I asked him, 

"Where are you from?", because I knew he was not a local.

"I am from Spain." I moved my face few inches away and took a good look at him wide eyes opened. "Seriously?" I said.

"Yeah. Why?" He asked. To be fair, there was no part of him screaming Españoles to me. My biggest guess was filipino but I was dead wrong because never in a million year would I have the chance to get fucked by a Spanish guy - which was one of my bucket list.

"Hola, Que tal?" I flaunted my barely-spoken-and-broken Spanish to him.

He was tad surprised. He chuckled, "hola, bien!" 

I have been learning Spanish language since 2023. I was not learning full-time; I learnt through watching Netflix, Youtube videos, some fast track courses, and books. It was off and on learning, so it was not serious learning. More like learning as you go. Every year, I swore to myself I need to take my Spanish learning seriously, somehow it drag and drag til the end of the year and wound up learning not much.

We made out passionately. Seconds later, I asked if he was ready for the main course. He said yes. I grabbed the condom and lube from my pouch, put it on him, and lubed myself ready to sit on him.

I was tight when I sat on him. After a few attempts, it became smooth and wet. We faced each other when I was riding him. He sucked my nipples when I humped my ass up and down on his big meat. I rode him like a pornstar. After a few humps, we switched to doggy style - my favorite position. Oh god.......I can feel his entire 7 inches cock sliding in and out against my orifice. I was moaning so loud, he thrusted me harder. The mirror in front of the bed reflecting our images, we looked at it as if we were in a gay porn scene, somehow the mirror image made him even more turned on. He grabbed my meaty ass and pound hard from behind. I was so turned on seeing myself in the mirror getting deep by a Spanish cock, somehow my dick gone semi-soft. He fucked me in doggy for quite a while. He flipped me over laying on my back, I brought both of my legs up, welcoming him with opened legs. He slid it in easily as my hole was loose and lubed. We were making out passionately as he thrusted his cock inside of me. 

"Te gusta (you like it) ?" I asked as he sliding inside of me with deep and long stroke.

"Si, me encanta, mi amor. (yes, i love it, my love.)" I was elated. Euphoric. And breathless. Never in my life someone would say that to me, let alone speaking in Spanish - it happened during SEX! It was so beautiful I could cry. He kept pounding me hard. His breaths were short and heavy. The next moment, he was hugging me hard, and cried out with pleasure as he cum inside me.

We kissed as we moved away from our sweaty body. His house was so humid it actually made my dick soft. I think he noticed that too. But I actually enjoyed the pounding. We washed ourselves and cuddled in bed and talked. 

He asked why I knew Spanish. So I told him my learning journey. He was impressed. Then we got to know each other a bit. He is from Barcelona, he followed his bf, who is a local Malaysian, to KL as his bf wanted to move back here. They both met when his bf studied in Europe or something, and stayed at his place as AirBnb for quite some time. They both got closer and became a couple. And they went through a lot like dead and alive situation. It made them becoming more closer as a couple. They have been staying here for 6 months. His bf was at work during that time; He worked from home at odd hours, therefore, he can have sex. They were in a open-relationship - that made so much sense then. He told me he had met plenty of local guys here for sexual fun. I was surprised at the amount of guys he met in the span of 6 months living here. I guess when you are Foreigner , everybody wants you - this applied to him apparently.

Then, we chat little bit more. We made out a bit. Next thing I knew, his cock grew rock hard again.

"round 2?" I smirked.

Without hesitation, he grabbed the condom and put it on and slide into my loosen ass with ease. We were in missionary. I guess that was his favorite position. We fucked for a while and he came.

At that point, my ass was fried. We cleaned ourselves up, and got dressed. Before I left, we made out again by the front door. Gosh, he was such a great kisser. I pulled myself off before we got into round 3. 

"Hasta luego." I waved at him before I left. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 weeks later, he asked me over again. We fucked passionately. Somehow I just didn't feel right. He came quite fast. I wasn't hard during the whole session. I was unsure why. Probably the humidity in his house? After sex, we cuddled and talked for a while. He got a message from his phone. He checked it and said, "oh shit, I was supposed to meet this guy just now. He is waiting down stairs for me, but I met you instead. I totally forgot!" As if on cue, I told him it was fine I shall make my leave and feel bad for the guy waiting downstairs while you were fucking me. He felt guilty for the guy and for me too. But he has no choice but to meet the guy since he was already there. We made out again by the front door. I left with a wet mouth.

Since then, we never met again.

 

Against The Gays

 Dear Zach,

It is no surprise that when these bigots have nothing else better to do than interfering unharmful people lives just because they are "religiously" rightful to do so, they could have taken proactive measure to knock down issue like child rape, underage sexual assault, child marriage etc, which is happening a lot in our country.  

Living in a muslim-centric country, you expect these things would happen. Usually I couldn't be bother much. But what bothers me the most were the comments. Oh god.. the comments were just awful. Just when I thought we were entering a civilized era, but the homophobia in the comments section were wildly unacceptable.

The more I skim through the comments, the more boiling I become. I was not surprised that the people who left such nasty comments are 90% muslims, yet they were the ones who always get raw-dog the most behind their wife and religious faith, and contributing to the annual statistic becoming the highest population group in contracting HIV. So who's laughing now? In actual fact, when you turn on Grindr, almost 80 percent of the profile are malay-muslims. So what does that tell you?

This is the reason why I stopped meeting up malay-muslims for sexual fun. Esp this incident happened to me last month and I couldn't possibly recover from that. I don't hate them; I dislike them - although I came across some super hot malay guy in the local gay sauna, part of me wanted to taste them as they were into me, but the big part of me telling me not to lose my dignity over some fatal attraction. Then, I would just quickly walk away from them touching me so that I wouldn't fold. lol.

If you are curious what sort of event it will be? Here's below:

See? I think sexual health awareness should of be important than the queer stories. 

A Wife Materials in a Husband

 Dear Zach,

My mum loves keeping the home clean and tidy. When she was in good health, without failed, she was always cleaning and wiping, making sure the surface of everywhere was free of dust. I admire her tenacious attitude in keeping the house tidy. "A clean home is a happy home." She didn't said that, but that was what she always believes in.

Cleaning was her wifey duty - so does cooking. She cleans to provide comfort for us, so that we can focus on other important things in life. Life was easy and stress-free, literally, when we got back to a clean and tidy home. We tend to take little things like this for granted. When my mum was bed-ridden for the past few months, my dad and I share the house chores making sure our home is clean and comfortable as before. Somehow it didn't feel like it. Without the maternal touch, it was somewhat lacking. I have been cooking my own meals since 3 years ago when I started taking care of my diet seriously since I started working out hard in the gym. When my parents are no longer able to handle the load of meal prep like they used to, they mostly bought eat-out which was so much more economical.

For the past few months, I cooked for my parents. I learnt to make dessert, soup, healthy beverages, juices, and sweet congee. Since my mum was not in favor for solid food, soft liquid type of food was the best option for her consumption. I took over the responsibility of cleaning the house as my dad's lower back was killing him these days. My parents appreciate my efforts. My relatives, who came and visit my mum, praised my culinary efforts and love what they tasted. I was glad. At least this is the most I could do for them. 

I am basically a house-husband now, staying at home, cook and clean, and awaiting my non-existing husband to fuck me senseless. I mean, I could put a tender out there asking someone to marry me - I can cook, clean, and get fucked all day everyday.  

Is blogging dead?

Dear Zach,

These days when I got back into blogging, I tried to check out some of the fellow bloggers' recent updates only to have found their last post was 6 or 7 years ago - about the same time when I stopped posting back then. A tad of sadness washed over me knowing that blogging used to be our sole medium for venting, now has become an abandoned site with years of archives. We anticipated each other updates day by day trying to connect with one and another. When we blog, we blog to share our thoughts and feelings. We engage with people in a way people could relate to us with our own words. I miss those days when we got to read others' life, leaving heartfelt comments, read without judgement, and being supportive as we can.

Back then, without FB, IG, TIKTOK, blogging was the only way to share our life to the world. As the technology is becoming more progressively advanced, blogging is becoming more likely obsolete. Nobody, especially young adults, these days would spend more than 10 seconds of their attention span to read a 5 minutes post. Their attention span are so short to the point where the social media experts started to make video content about getting the first 5 seconds "hook" in reel just to lure viewers for engagement. Everything is all about view engagements and transactional on social media. Even me has become so attached to IG reels I wasted almost 30 minutes just to get a good laugh from it. It is sad but it is just the way it is now. We post on social media to get attention and validation. Very often, it attracts mostly haters leaving nasty comments about your face. We are no longer in the liberty to share; We are in a place where the more we share, the more dislikeable we become. This is one of the reason why I removed my own personal social media. People can just hate it for no reason.

I am glad that I got back into blogging. It feels so good to typing away my thoughts. I may get back into reading books. The last time I read a book was like 6 years ago? Blimey, that's long.  

 

Routine

 Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, it has been tough for me and my family. My dad and I had a multiple huge arguments over something trivial. There were days my mum was in immense pain even after taking a medium dose of morphine. It was hard see how my 70-year-old dad taking care of my mum, feeding her, bath her, and supporting her walking to bed. Most of the time, my mum was asleep due the induced drowsiness from the drugs. While my dad taking care of my mum, I took charge in settling daily house chores and running in and out buying depository items. Day by day, seeing my mum's health progressively declining, I can't help but to think how the days will be when she's gone. There were times I lay on my bed in the afternoon, shedding tears from the corner of my eyes, thinking how she will leave us anytime.

My daily routine now consist of going to gym in the morning, and cooked my own lunch and dinner, and spent the rest of the day at home doing nothing. I do not work. I cannot work at this moment. Hence, I kept my daily expenditure to the minimal as possible. Sometimes, I would meet my regular for sex at the cheap motel we usually go to. I would go to gay sauna on the weekly basis just to relax and free my mind since I spent a lot of time in the gym working out hard. No. I do not have sex in there as tempting as it was. There were times I just had oral sex and foreplay. That's that.

It is going to be mid of the year very soon. It is unbelievable that the year went on too fast. 

Tough Time. Tough Life. Tough Birthday

 Dear Zach,

My birthday for this year is probably the saddest one I've had ever been through in my entire life.

For the past 2 years, my birthday dropped on the week days, it was one of the random morning routine where I was on my way home from the gym. Knowing the fact that I was entering in my 30s, with no job prospect, jobless, hopeless, and mindlessly living the day without expectation, the overwhelming feeling of failure has gotten my eyes brimming with tears. I cried so hard in the car on the way home in my birthday for the past 2 years. Crying because I failed so much. Crying because I had achieve nothing what I had promised myself when I was entering 20s.

This year, I did not cry. Because I had cried enough. With the unshocking news of my mum cancer's diagnosis, I was well mentally prepared for the worst outcome. Last week, we were told my mum's cancer progress has gotten worst. Chemotherapy is the only option to "control" the metastasis. It was the best interest for my mum's condition, but not for my mum's best interest. I held my mum's fragile hand, holding back my tears, telling her that I was fine with whatever decision she made. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she shook her head, cueing that she did not want to go through such ballistic treatment anymore. Without further ado, the doctor asked if he can do anything to make her comfortable for the rest of the days, we said nothing much and left the clinic with silent and heavy heart.

We did not say anything on the way back home. Silent is the best for all of us now. We all struggled to put our emotions to words.

To decompress, I texted my regular fuck buddy to fuck me as hard as he can the next day. He was under the weather but somehow comply the demand I asked of him. I love him - not in the romantic way. He always fuck me the best. After sex, we cuddled and fall asleep until the hours in the motel were up. We did not say much. We just had sex and that was that. No drama, no attachment. 

A news of my mum's imminent death and mind-blowing hard sex were my birthday present this year. I couldn't ask for more.  

The Worst Keep Coming - Part 2

 Dear Zach,

When I finally put my mum to sleep, and dad went to bed, I swiped my phone away and clicked on Grindr.

It was 10pm, thought of sneaking some guy into my bed and fucked my misery away. 

There was this malay boy messaged me asking me to come over to his place, where it was just 2 km away. I thought to myself "why not, since it is quite near." I awaited for his reply of his address and unit number before I decided to make my move. Took him a 10-minutes before he replied. I wasn't really into Malay guys these days due to their poor attitudes. But I was itching for a fuck, so begger cant be a chooser. 

It took me 10 minutes to arrive at his place. 

"I have arrived. So you said you live at level 4, but which unit number?" I queried. 

"You will see it when you reached that level." He replied.

It arose my suspicion. I wondered if he was real. I was too tired to think and just went with it.

When I arrived, there were 4 different units of apartment.

"So which ones? There are 4 units. 410?"

"Yes, just come in the door is unlocked."

But the unit 410 was locked with gate. I replied back, "is it 412?"

"Yes, come in."

I reached for the doorknob, and turned, the door was unlocked, I walked into a fully furnished living room, but no one was there. In my mind, I thought he could be playing dirty games by stripping naked waiting for my entrance to his room.

I tried opening the first room near the kitchen - it was a storeroom. Then followed by the next room, a whole ass family was on bed just chilling. The lady, which i presumed the wife, was in stunned for a few seconds before she realized in shocked there was a stranger intruding their home. I quickly closed the door and walked out. Later on, the husband and his son were yelling me to stop, I panicked. I ran down to my car. I thought of igniting my car and drove away as soon as possible, but I was halted by them, yelling and smashing pole on my car. I locked the car door for safety. The passerby stopped them from going violent on my car. One of the passerby approached me and asked what happened. I told them the truth that I was meeting someone and he tricked me into entering the house. I even showed them the grindr chat history. At the point of time, there is no point hiding my intention but telling the whole truth even though they are conservative Malays. I told them grindr is for men2men hookup, I was trying to meet up this malay fellow and ended I was scammed into entering the wrong house. 

The owner did not want to let it go, decided to involve police enforcement to settle the situation. I beg for him not to escalate the situation. But he said that I trespassed and this was no small matter - what if you bring bad intention to us when you entered our house? 

I quickly screenshot the chat history in grindr before he blocked me. As expected, after i told him I was in trouble, he blocked me. 

We waited for 20 minutes for the police enforcement. I told him the whole truth, with the screenshot of the chat. The police officer was sensible and told the owner that this issue can be solved amicably since I was a victim of prank. And I was admonished that I should not enter anyone's house without the owner opening the door for you. I apologize profusely to the owner for the mistakes I made although the owner has already decided to settle it amicably before the police came.

I drove back home and showered. I was in turmoil of shock. It was 12am. I lay on my bed, tossing and turning around. I just could not put my mind to sleep. The snowball of the bad thing kept on rolling. 

The Worst Kept Coming - Part 1

Dear Zach,

Barely 6 months into 2025, I have already encountered what it feels like to have a mid-life crisis. Things happened so much over the course of last 2 weeks.

I failed to meet the expectation of my very first client in my graphic design work. Mainly because there was so much miscommunication over the whatsapp chat, even though I did what he asked, he never seemed to satisfy with what I did for him. Towards the end, there was some dispute over some outcome which may cost him a bit, he willing to forfeit his deposit fund and not willing to pay the remaining amount of the budget to me ... ... if I did what he told. I sent him a last email telling him "take care, wish you all the best in your future endeavor" which means "I ain't doing shit til you pay me or else go fuck yourself".

At the same time dealing with him, I was dealing with my mum's cancer. She was in pain on her hips for the last few weeks, she barely can walk. I spent most of my time at home taking care of her daily needs while she remained stationary at a comfortable place. My mum cancer's diagnosis was last year October. It was a metastasized cancer from the breast cancer, which she had 2 years ago and it was removed and treated, to the left hips of the bones. The pains was mild in the beginning of last year and, gradually, the pain was getting more and more as the months went by. By September, the doctor did a few testing on her found out there was a localized mass around the hips. It was hard to accept for my mum and my family as we did not expect it came back so soon. We started treatment by November. Somehow the treatment seemingly working for her. Only the recent pains was so intense out of the blue, last week she cannot move at all laying on her bed, crying in pain. My heart sank when I saw her suffering, so I called the ambulance and took her into ER. X-ray came out she has fracture on her left-hips. She has to be operated to replace the fractured part. We have been in and out of the hospital to visit her as much as we could while waiting for her turn of operation date. I wish her well at my best.

When things could not get anymore worst, this happened one week before my mum's admission to hospital, my 70-year-old dad fell flat his head on the floor while mopping the floor. We were away when he fell. Blood gushing out. It was a major public holiday, clinics are closed for the day. I was frantically driving around in searching for clinic. In the end, we found one. The doc did stitches on him. My heart went out for him when he cried in pain as he has to endure such incident at this age of life. 

Bad things did not stop there, I was the next victim... ... 

to be cont...

6 Years Gap - I Return Here Again

Dear Zach,

Never in a million year would I thought that I would write on this blog again. 

MIA for 6 years, neither a long time, nor a short duration. There were days I wanted to come back and write. The lack of discipline and motivation, and depression, and failures in life that had halted me from writing on this blank page. I return to this page because I am in a difficult stage of my life where I literally failed in my life and career and in desperate need a place to vent. 

I wish I could describe what had happened to me over the past 6 years since my last post - I could write a book about it. Literally and figuratively. A lot had happened. A lot. I could write them down here without sleep. But that ain't gonna happen. I will tell. But not now. 

I am unsure if my fellow readers are still reading blogs these days. Some of my readers had become my fans of my adult content in twitter - which is now no longer exist. When scroll through my posts, I can't believe I have survived throughout the years til now - apart from that the 6-years gap. I wish I could reminisce my days before 2019, but it gonna take me an emotional roller coaster ride that gonna make my tear drops. I have been crying a lot lately.

It is fine if my readers are long gone. At least what i am writing now is just for my own record. For what I believe, things happened for a good reason.

Til then,

to be cont. ...