Before It Goes

Dear Zach,

I left blogging for 6 years. I came back to this safe heart-pouring space again after I absentmindedly clicked on my page in one afternoon back in March, and read through some of the archives, it reminded me that I should have not stopped blogging in the first place. I shouldn't have neglected this safe space of mine just because life is hard. I should have keep writing and sharing my life in words in which I do best. I am glad I did not delete this page in which I have the intention to do so. The reason I came back writing on this blog is because I have got no one else to talk to. Also, I want to keep this page alive and going til the day I die. This is the only page that last longer than all the jobs I had for the past 10 years in combined. I tried to check on other fellow bloggers if their page were still active. Suffice to say that, most of them stopped posting around the same time I left this space. I wonder if I held such influence to them in leaving their blog all together. I sincerely hope they are doing well. Gladly, there are less than a few bloggers still exist and writing. 

The year of 2025 was never easy for me and my family. The moment when I heard the news of my mum's cancer relapse in September 2024, I knew, a premonition, that my mum would not be able to live long enough to see my success in career. Around that time, my art gigs as an artist were running thin, since I was needed to be the pillar of support for the tough time my family would have to go through, I decided to give up and turned my attention to spending the remaining days with my mum. Each month went by in somber, she took her final breath and passed away in July.

The months preceding her death, I was definitely sad. The only distraction away from all the sad stuffs going on was headed to the gym in the morning. Somehow, I did not stray away from my fitness goal set in the beginning of the year. I was very discipline with my workout routine and diet. Over 10 months, my goal came to fruition in gaining 20kg of mass from 70kg. The regular gym goers were impressed by my labor of hardwork. Those who went missing for a few months in the gym and came back were shocked at the drastic increased of my body size. Their gaze of admiration further ascertaining my belief in working hard consistently if you set your mind to it.  

On the contrary, my sex life was pretty mundane, so to speak. I cut contact with my favorite regular sex buddy of mine. He is the only one who can still fuck me the best. He has a big black dick that is absolutely compatible with my ass. Suffice to say that we drifted apart and that is the end of us. I've had sex with other men from grindr and gay saunas and I've got great souvenirs (as in loads of cum in my ass). Somehow, they are not as great as him.

I am still at lost in my career prospect. At this point of life, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I want to focus on my health and fitness, and probably venture back into it again in future.

2026. I just want to do what I love to do. Just go with your guts feeling. I hope I will be able to share more parts of my life here as long as I am still breathing. Those who blog, we are the rare existence. Let's keep blogging as tradition that will never die.

 

Heated Rawvivi

Dear Zach,

My FB feeds have been saturated with constant posting of fanshipping between 2 actors from Heated Rivalry. I watched a few short clips here and there and it did intrigue me to watch the whole season. But I don't subscribe to HBO Max so I forgo the idea. Somehow, there is a page in FB uploaded the entire season illegally streaming for free. I thank to the very person who did that. 

Here's my verdict: Overrated gay romance that doesn't project the current days gay scene.

I personally think it become such a big hit because people crave for the sense of vulnerability in men, especially in two masculine gay men. The sex scene is honestly subpar - I have seen better gay sex scenes in some Spanish series in Netflix. Or probably my sex tapes are much more better than it in overall.

I even think that if the show was to set in current days Grindr edition, the series would have ended in just 20 minute in the first episode per se. The top would have blocked the bottom and ghosted him indefinitely after their first sexual encounter.

On the other note, I watched a movie called Indecent Proposal in Netflix last night. It is about a broke married couple being offered one million dollars by a billionaire to spend a night with the wife. I mean, Demi Moore looks good in the scene but she is not that good for the worth of 1 million lol. In this current economy, I would have agreed to anything for one million dollars as long as it is deposited in my account. Sleeping with an old billionaire for a mil, how can someone be hesitated at such offer? I would do it in a heartbeat, be it married or not. I will! 

This is why I work so hard in the gym. Apparently, when you have a great chiseled body, every opportunity fall in your laps easily. That include being offered 1 mil for sex. 

Massage Seduction

Dear Zach,

Ever since the disreputable gay sauna raid happened last month, I have never stepped foot in other sauna ever. I refrained myself from thinking about sex. There were several times I was thinking about downloading grindr back again. I quickly dismissed the notion and let the steam out by jerking off during shower. I give myself credit for that.

I do crave for men's touch from time to time. So I decided to pamper myself with massages. Massage is and has always been my favorite self-care routine for the past years, especially when I work out very hard in the gym. I do stretching routine few times on the weekdays but that alone is not enough for your body recuperate from all the mechanical stress exerted on your body. I usually go for once session a month but this month itself I have already been for three times. It also gives me a reason to compensate my loss of going to sauna weekly. 

The masseurs are all men - I don't like woman's touch. I found them online in Google or Facebook group catering for all the masseurs who promoted their services there. I like to try out different masseurs rather than attaching to one. I don't bother much knowing if they are gay or what because I just want massage, anything extra after that would be a bonus. I presume most of them are straight.

I always go fully naked during massage and absolutely love the oily sensual touch caressing all over my naked body. They were also unfazed by my hard-on. It is pretty common because massage is to improve blood flood all over your body. Somehow, after a few session with some of the masseurs, they seem to give away their naughty side by playing with my balls, my anus, and my nipples. Before I knew it, they were down on my dick sucking me, eating my ass, and nibbling my oily chest. I always get so turned on and cum too quickly when the foreplay ensued on my oily body. I always feel a great sense of achievement unlocked by being able to seduce them into having sex with me by just laying there doing absolutely nothing.

Girthmaster

Dear Zach,

I read a few articles on FB about some random man making millions on onlyfans, and all down to his porn name as Girthmasterr or something. By reading it out loud, you already know what he is packing.

It comes as no surprise that many youngsters, especially with those handsome american-boy look or those who are packing with over 8 inchers, turning to adult industry to make fast cash, and making a career out of it. Admittedly, I was one of them, but I ain't handsome or packing, somehow it just unknowingly blew up and I was making big bucks over the few years. Had OF not become as notorious as it is now, I would have continued doing it. Now, any guy who posted their explicit photo or video of them on X, he would certainly get reported by the petty hypocrites and get arrested for breaking the law. This is why I stopped doing it before OF has become a headliner in Malaysia. I like to think that if it is meant to be, it will be. 

Besides, a lot of gay OF stars are not doing pretty well over the last few years. They resort to dancing or making stupid videos or thirst trap video on IG/FB to entice the audience. As you can tell, the competition amongst the adult stars is stiff. If you are not getting the attention you needed to grow your fan base, you will be out of the business very soon. There will always be another it-boy better than you are - hotter, better, and with bigger dick.

If my country was as freeing as the U.S when comes to adult contents, I wouldn't have been in an undecided future now.

What should I do?      

My Sex Count for 2025

Dear Zach,

I have started a spreadsheet for my body counts few months ago, but I manage to track all the way back to July this year only. It is a good initiative to know how much sex I've had over the past 6 months.

I've had sex 34 times with 25 different men with dick size of average 6.5 inches. I was bred 25 times out of 34 when I've had sex with them - most of them cum inside of me. The defining time was when I first started taking PREP, the amount of bareback sex unfolded since then. My preference in men, other than having a big dick, were mostly dark-skinned, hairy, and not in great shape. The ethnicity were mainly indians and pakistanis. Interestingly, as a chinese myself with fair skin, I would get so turned on when our contrasting skin complexion blend together as one during sex. I wouldn't be surprised if my future boyfriend/partner would be an indian.

Picking Up An Old Hobby

Dear Zach,

I have picked up reading for the past 2 weeks. Although I am still struggling to stay focus in reading, I try my utmost best to read as long as I can. I even time myself how long I can sustain reading in the moment before my attention span shift to my phone. I manage to read for averagely 18 minutes before my eyes go heavy. But it is a great initiative for me to read. I did this several times a day, hence it belts out at least 1 hour a day for reading.

Reading was my favorite past time during college. I was bad with my English proficiency, hence, I decided to spend all of my leisure time to read as much as I could, at the same time I started writing on this blog. My improvement in understanding and writing was tremendous. It definitely helped me so much in my academic field. This hobby was lasted for a few years after I graduated. 

I stopped reading the time when I started doing sex work few years ago. I was too obsessed with my social media to get attentions and whatnot. That few years were really intense for me - physiologically and physically.

I have deleted all the gaming and most social media apps from my phone. I only have facebook for current news. Social media is too toxic and intoxicated. I found out from my facebook setting that I spend almost 5 hours on average for a week on FB. That is bad - at least for me. I don't need them in order to be social. After all, I ain't that social in real life. 

  

How is my Dad doing?

Dear Zach,

My dad has been coping up well after months of my mum passing. He seems to be more relaxed and contented of his new life now. He has been going out for lunch date with his friends and family members, and, recently, he just got back from Vietnam solo trip with a tour. Most of the time, he would be at home watching Netflix, doing his morning walk, and spending the afternoon napping. He is doing exactly what a retiree should - spending his remaining time to live. Although he didn't say it out loud, he does miss my mum, so do I. Despite we are not a rich family, he has his own saving to be able to live throughout his remaining days comfortably.

He is very fortunate enough to be able to live at the age of 70 with no chronic disease. Not many people can live through 60s due to numerous health causing reasons. Though his hearing is getting worst, there are times I would have to shout at him so that he can hear me clearly. I feel bad about my action, but after numerous failed attempts in talking to him in slow manner, you would just lose your patience. But he is very glad that I am by his side whenever he needs, especially when comes to dealing his laptop issues. 

Just few days ago, he was talking with one of his friend over the phone, I aimlessly overheard him empathetically saying, "I am already 70, and not sure how long I can live ... ... I just want to live in peace."

Not sure how I feel when he said that. As my dad ages, his friends passed away one by one in each passing year. He has attended more funerals than weddings in the last 10 years. I believe he has eventually accepted his fate when the time comes. For now, he lives. 

  

no friend

Dear Zach,

Ever since I removed Grindr from my phone, I have been feeling quite lonely. It is not that I got to meet guys most of the time. But the constant anticipation of the grindr notification sound throughout the day is what I miss the most. Besides, most guys there are mostly Malays and I tried to avoid meeting them up. Ironically, I just got fucked by a Malay last week but he was just an old fling I met few months back. And I also got bred by another Malay last Friday in the motel room. What can I say? These 2 are the ones who have my number, and as a begger, I can't be a chooser.

A doctor friend of mine shifted his practice in town in the beginning of this month. He is staying alone in a condo close to his working hospital. We agree to meet up someday but he knows me damn well that I will not go all the way to downtown. Even if I go to his place, sex will always be involved between me and him. Probably it was just a courtesy text for letting me know he is in town for work for the next 6 months. I try to engage with him some topic for conversation but he seems not to be bothered. So I dropped it and move on. 

I look at my contact list, apart from those unsaved number who are my sex flings, I realize I have no friend. It is kinda depressing that I am sex toy for them. Is it me being too ignorant for a friendship that does not involve sex?   

Short Attention Lifespan

Dear Zach,

I have been trying my best not to tap on my phone as often as I could, but I failed. The only social media I have now is Facebook. I am drawn to the short video column and find myself scrolling endlessly for 20 to 30 minutes. I tried to put my phone down. Somehow my hand absentmindedly grabs the phone and start scrolling away.

I did try to focus on watching on Netflix, not even 5 minutes into the show, my phone was already in my hand, eyes on the phone, and paying no attention to the background voice from the show talking away itself. Thank god I am no longer active in Instagram and X anymore.

Even my monthly Youtube premium subscription can't convince me to stay any longer than 5 minutes on the screen. That being said, I have been watching a lot of educational and general knowledge documentaries, mainly from TED-EDU where they story-tell in mere 3 minutes length of duration with funny and interesting animation. Amazing how a short video can convey so much knowledges with simple understanding terms and animation. This is exactly how short our attention life span is. Everything has to be short and grab our attention as soon as we lay our eyes on.

On the other note, there will be a big book sales carnival in town in coming 2 weeks. I tried to buy a book from bookstore but the price is too ridiculous for me. RM79.90 ? Seriously? I am gonna wait for the year end book sales carnival, I can get less than RM20 for the same title. I need to pick up reading back. I feel like I am getting more and more stupid by each passing day.      

Microjoy My Ass

Dear Zach,

I read from one of the blogger mentioning about the deep appreciation of microjoys. There is always the little things that we often neglect in our daily life give us the tiny bit of joy. Like waking up in the morning feeling rested or a fellow gym goer compliment your ass or sucking dick.

It is all down to how you perceive these joy at which level of magnitude.

One of the microjoys I got is one regular female gym goer compliment how round my ass is, asking what I did for getting it plumped.

At last, someone has taken notice of my ass. Sadly it was from a woman.

They say "what you upload on the internet, it will be forever staying in the internet."

Here's my bare ass pic staying here for the internet. It is not like my sex tape hasn't been leaked in the gay porn domain for the public view - I was an OF creator years back, remember?  

He Wears It

Dear Zach,

The pakis guy in the previous post was texting me non-stop for the past 2 weeks. I couldn't host as my brother has been staying at home for the last 2 weeks. But my effort of not replying him seem to be encouraging him to text me incessantly. I really applaud these pakistanis mens' persistent effort of not giving up in texting when comes to booty call. It shows that they do care for you a lot ... ... so that they won't lose a hard-finding chinese bottom who can host or meet their sexual needs.

Last night, I was horny and craving for his dick. I replied to his text and agreed to meet at my place at 1030pm. I fetched him to my place while we were on the way back to my place, he asked me if I have a condom. I was pleasantly surprised. I asked him why you need one.

"safety.." he said sheepishly.

I am glad he requested to have safe sex.

When we were in my room, we both stripped naked. He crossed his arms from my back and hugged me tightly. Our skins were so warm for each other. He sniffed my shoulders across my neck to meet my lips. I turned and faced him, playfully caressed his hairy chest, I moved in and kissed him softly. Our lips were stacking on each other urgently and hungrily. We were making out romantically.

He was fully rock hard at 7 inches. I kind of expecting his request of having safe sex was just a bluff. But he ushered me to the piece of condom lying on the table. I was more than happy to put it on him. He was rock hard with a rubber on it - a great sign.

The sex lasted surprisingly longer than usual. We managed to try different positions that we both find comfortable. It wasn't just fuck; We made love. It was slow and sensual - him enjoying the view of my missionary pose with both of my thick thighs up on air while me enjoying the view of his hairy torso and lustful pleasure while he was inside of me. I can tell he loves my ass a lot as he playfully slap it when he entered me from the back. It is juicy and firm.

Once we were finished, he said that he can fuck longer with a condom on. Without a condom, he came way too fast.

"Well, then, I will stock up a lot of condom for you so that you can fuck me more often." I teased him playfully.

         

Pakis's way of like

Dear Zach,

Two weeks ago, when my dad was away for a trip, I've had the whole house for myself. I invited this Pakistanis guy from grindr over to my place that night. He has no transport and stays relatively near to my house, I made the effort to fetch him to my home. With Pakistanis man, I would have expected the time duration of the sex would be less than 10 minutes - they always cum way too fast the moment they put their dick inside of me.

He is tall, dark, and masculine. In fact, every pakistanis man I have ever met is masculine and that is what I love about hooking up with them. With a bit of unshaven beard and goatee, he greeted me in my car with deep voice. I brought him back to my home. He complimented that I have a nice house. Since it is dark at night, no neighbor next to my both side would notice him.

We stripped naked as soon as we were in my room. With the subtle hairs across of his front torso, I took a deep sniff of his hairy chest and the musky body odor hit my olfaction. When our faces closed to each other, I was surprised by his impromptu kiss on my lips. Fun fact: majority of the pakistanis would never kiss or suck or rim or does nipple play - surprisingly this pakis man kissed me with full passion. He tasted like cigarettes. Soon after, I kneel down and took his 7 inches in my mouth. We kissed and cuddled for a while before he fucked me.

He told me his last sex was with an indonesian lady. It was just sex but nothing permanent at the moment. I asked if he wears a condom. He was okay with it or don't. But when we came to doing the real thing, he refused wearing one. I was glad I was on PreP the day before. So we did it raw. The sex didn't last very long but it was enough for me to let a Pakis man to unload inside of me - it is my fetish having them to raw fuck and cum inside of me.

Once we were finished, he was trying his luck asking me for some money. My attitude changed in 360. I firmly told him "no". One bad habit of them they tend to ask for money in return. They would give all sort of excuses just for a short change. But my response has always been firm and cold. He seemed to get the point in my response. He didn't query much further.

When on the way sending him back, he told me he fucked an indian guy few months ago and he gave him RM200. I said that I won't give and never will. He only did it because the guy isn't chinese and he loves chinese guy, therefore, he will fuck me for free.

Oh whyyyyy.. how generous of him to do that. In fact, I shall charge him for fucking me instead!

I would like to continue this sex thing going with him. Or sticking to only him when having bareback sex. But what worry me is his HIV status. You would think these labor workers are not sexually active. You are dead wrong in this - they have their way of finding guy/woman for sex. And they wouldn't use a condom neither. They usually have nothing else to do except working for 12 hours a day. Hence, sex is always in their mind. I want to skip taking my on-demand PreP so that I can have unplanned sex with him at late night. Also, I am afraid in future he would start asking me for money again. 

What is your take in them? As much sex craze as they are, they hardly have sex to be honest. One of the main factor is that they can't host and very discreet. 

Jail For Being Gay

Dear Zach,

There are news about the government plan to review existing legal provisions on the enforcement of deviant activities such as "unnatural sex" or plainly known as "gay sex" following the high profile raid on last Friday. The released of the detainees were due to the lack of evidence and legal ground for remand. Based on the current law, it is illegal to have gay sex but only it is illegal when it is caught in act or either of the party claim to be victim. Although it is illegal, the current law is too ambiguous to able to charge someone for it. In other word, there is no right law for now.

Some government personnel who got detained during the raid were removed from job. It is no surprise they did it in swift action to "punish" for involving in such scandal. Literally every homophobes in the internet trying to place their insult in every way they could. I have read a story about one of the detainees who get humiliated in the interrogation room for asking him to fake "moaning", describing the way they were treated in disgust, and given only small piece of bread and water in the lockup cell.

I am afraid for myself - afraid that we will soon become criminal for just being gay. What if gay sex is no longer a normal sex and will become the only reason you get jailed for doing what you love in your own private time? Tbh, I am not sure if I want to have sex in a cheap motel anymore.    

90kg

Dear Zach,

I have finally reached 90kg on Saturday! All those constant food stuffing and hardwork in gym have finally paid off. It is exactly 10 months of bulking process. Going from 69kg to 90kg is not as easy task as just eating MORE food - it requires structured food plan with adequate amount of macronutrients as you grow in size. Here's the summary of my bulking process:

•  my calories intake went from 2000kcal to 3200kcal in a gradual state of increment.
• gym 6 days a week. Cardio at least 3 times a week after weight training.
• Sleep by 11pm most of the time.
• My meal consists of eggs, oat, rice, and chicken. Also an add-on mass gainer protein shake in between.
• The fruits I ate usually banana, orange, and lemon.
• Since I omitted veggies in my meals, I substituted it with drinking psylium husk fiber at night before bed.
• I have cheat meals on the weekend.
• On Sunday, I would let my gut rest from constant loading of food. I eat only when I feel hungry.

And that's about it. I compare picture of me "before & after" and it shows a drastic difference. I do look big but I am still unsatisfied with the growth of my chest and arms. Somehow, my ass has grown the most, and that I am very proud of.

My next move will be the maintenance of my current weight for this month. Let's see how it goes then by the end of this month. New year new fitness goal perhaps.