I'm Not A Secret Anymore

Dear Zach,

It's no secret that my sexual orientation has become a known fact to almost everyone who is working in the club. It's liberating to be myself. Besides, even the members are slowly realizing the fact that I like guys. I was a little bit horrified when one of the female members said to me "you like him? He's single." as I didn't show any sign of interest. And some of the gay guys in the club are slowly noticing that I'm gay. Not sure if it's a good thing, but I couldn't be bothered.

Anyway, on the different side of note, this is not the wise time to quit my job and find other. I will have to work for another few more months to see how it goes.

xx

Bed Conversation

Dear Zach,

When was the last time you felt like you being treated special, being constantly kissed on the bed, cuddling under the duvet, and having deep talk with the one-night-stander? Even if it's the first time you met him. 

I found it arousing to be opening up myself to stranger. Maybe because they know nothing about you at all. So talking to a stranger about your struggle, your life, and everything about you makes the whole conversation all the more better on the bed. And, of course, sex would be even better after getting to know each other deeply enough. 

I don't know. I just like to do this with the guy I like. 

I Am Complicated

Dear Zach,

"why don't you give me a chance?"


Not sure why I don't give him a chance.

Is it because I am not ready yet? Or because I am not ready for him yet? I always use work commitment as an excuse. But it wasn't the only excuse I have.

Being with him I certainly have a lot of self-doubts. I constantly debate with myself whether I should undertake this chance to be with him. I know he will be faithful and loyal in future.

But something stops me - I can't put my finger on it. The feeling wasn't right even I fond of him.

I guess my fondness toward him isn't as much as his to me.

It's over. Officially over.

He Wants My Heart But ....

Dear Zach,

Again. He stirred up the issue of having a commitment again.

I explained. Everything to him.

......

- Why don't you give me a chance?

- What chance?

- A chance to be with you.

- I told you. I'm not ready yet. My job is not stabilized. Isn't it good that we keep it the way we are now?

- Not good enough for me.

- How good do you want from me?

- For you to be mine.

- I'd prefer the way we are now. At least we still can talk.

- If you think you are happy torturing my feeling by doing this to me, go ahead then. Obviously, I am not good enough for you. I'm regretting my life now.

- Why are you feeling like this?! 

- You are still young. I understand that. I'll prove to you one day i will be good enough for you. 

- This is not my priority right now. 

- I understand that. Please stop everything right now. 

- Stop what!?

- Stop it. Let's start all over like we used to be before we got to know each other. Just a distant acquaintance.

- I will still remain what we are now. I won't change. 

- Okay then. It's your choice. I stated clearly.. I want different thing from you. 

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- I will never regret know you at all. I miss you. Good night. 




He unfriended me on Facebook this morning.

Tall, Dark, Handsome

Dear Zach,

I was in the steam room of the club. Dark and steamy, and hot. 

I only saw a few figures in there sitting aimlessly, not sure what they had in mind. I lied against the wall near to the glass door, where the light shines through the mist, giving out the silhouettes of one well-built men sitting in front of where I stood. 

I can't see clearly his face, but I still remember him. My gut telling me was him. The guy sitting besides him, trying to sit closer, engaged him with talks. He didn't seem interested by acknowledging him with monosyllabic feedback. He looked at me briefly; I looked away. When I looked at him; he looked away. 

He walked to the Sauna room next door. When he was outside where the light shine so bright, I can totally see how athletic he is even when he was in the dark. Jezz.. the height, the face, the body. Not sure why I have the intention of following him. 

I stayed longer. A little bit longer. Pretending I don't care. Because my sole intention was to relax my body and stay fresh. 

After what seem to be 5 minutes later, I walked to the next door. I saw him standing in front of the door, expecting me. Or maybe not. 

I took a seat, trying so hard not to ogling all over his physique. I faced down. This would have been good. 

I heard the woods cracking, footsteps moving to the door, when I lift my head up, he was out of the room and headed to the shower room. 

I waited. And waited. Not wanting to be a suspect of doing a bad deed in the club - my club, my working place. 

Unsure how long I have been in there, I got up and walked  to the shower room.

When I about to go to the 5th cubicle shower room, a tall figure walked from the 4th - it was him. 

He looked at me, in different way - admiration? or lust? We eye-locked for split second. I looked away and scurried to the shower room. His eyes were searing through my back I could feel that. 

I turned on the knob, and let the cold water cascaded on me. I needed to chill down. He could have found me weird or something else. 

After I showered, I opened the glass door, I bumped into him. Again. This time he was holding a pants, and the towel was wrapped around his waist. His waist. I gave him a brief smile. And walked away to my locker. From the corner of my eyes when I rounded the corner, I saw him looking at me before I disappeared from his sight. My heart soaring with glee. 

I changed into my uniform, he was in his pants - not in his towel. He looked very fine with the sweat pants around him. Jezz.. I looked away. He noticed that I noticed him. He must have known because he have been noticing me that I was noticing him. Okay. Game on!

I tuck out my shirt.. and decided to not wear any shirt, but a jacket cover my upper body. I zipped my jacket in front of the mirror where it is just beside of where he was sitting. Leaving my upper collar opened, I was basically naked inside. He saw that. And I knew it. 

I turned to the side and we eye-locked, this time I gave him a wink. 

How brave I was!

He was looking at me all the while he wearing his shoes, wearing his shirt. 

When I walked out of the locker room, I gave him another wink. This time he winked back. 

This is interesting. 

When I was at the front desk, he couldn't take his eyes off me. And me too.

He walked out of the club, I couldn't take my eyes off him. Out of my surprise, he looked back, and gave me a wry smile. 

My pant stir. 

Loose String

Dear Zach,

It's really intrigue how people can be changed so fast in just one day itself. Not sure what incident or event had occurred to have them changed in terms of attitude, but it really put me off. 

One day, we were talking over the messenger where we used to be - getting to know each other. The next day, the conversation with him was monotonous, clipped answer, seemingly bringing up the sense of I-don't-give-shit-anymore. Following, he said that at least someone thinks he is hot. 

"I hope he likes you as much as you to him." I replied. 

Simply because I couldn't keep it up with such volatility anymore. I am tired and aggravated. If he doesn't understand me, then I would have to let it go. I am more than happy that I did it. Because it's just one fucked-up loose string that doesn't worth my while at all.