Munching

Dear Zach,

Last night, I asked this Malay massuer in Grindr to come over to my place at night for a massage. It was kind of a last minute request for him as the clock was closing to 10pm. I was in the middle of cleaning out some boxes in the kitchen and got his massage saying he was available. So I invited him over.

For the past months, I have been diligently going to gay sauna strictly for use of sauna and jacuzzi. Anything more than it supposed to be happened in the gay sauna depended on my mood whether I was into the guy or horny. I have been working out in the gym a lot -- 6 days a week of heaving training. And I am in my caloric surplus to gain new weight goal - 90kg. I am at 80kg now. So going to sauna was to help for recuperation from the intense workout I did in the gym.

This month I decided to forgo the idea of going to sauna and have a weekly massage session instead.

The massuer came at 10.30pm sharp. I did not ask for his picture in grindr because I just wanted a massage. He looks average, tan skinned, slightly shorter than me, stocky built and a wide lips. It didnt bother me because I ONLY wanted a massage. I stripped naked and laid on the bed on my stomach. He started massaging me in strong pressure on my legs. From my calves to my butt. It felt good. As 10 minutes into the massage, I realized that he has been accentuated the massage on my butt. His slippery hands with oil slid across my ass crack thinking I wouldn't notice what he was doing. He was certainly doing what I thought he was doing. He spread my butt cheeks apart several time in the motion of massage. I did not notice how long he has been circling around my ass, no long after, I felt a warm tongue on my orifice. I let out a soft moan. He pulled away and continued to slide his fingers across my slit. And, again, stuff his face into my ass.

"I love your ass. It is so perfect." He said.

"Thanks, I work out very hard on it."

This time I was on my knee slightly shoulder-width apart, nudging him an invitation to eat my ass again. He gladly complied and munched on my ass. His wide lips was meant to munch food and one of it was my ass. I could not remember when was the last time I got my ass eaten. But it wasn't as good as he did. His sloppy and wet mouth munching on my orifice as if it was his supper. I can't help but to let out my moans as much as I wanted to suppress it.

"You like that? Emmmmmmm..." He said, in between his breath. "Oh god, your ass is amazing." He jiggled it. 

I knew the massage wasn't going to continue, so I decided to turn over and get the deed done.

Before we knew it, he was fully naked with a 5 inches hard-on. He slide into me with ease with the mixture of his sloppy saliva and silicone lubricant. He fucked me hard in doggy style. The whole fucking lasted for at least 10 minutes. He cum on chest in the end.

He cleaned up and left after I paid him.

I was disappointed the massage did not go well for me. But at least I got my ass ate for good.

 

     

I Worked as Sex Worker and Onlyfans Amateur Gay Porn Star, and I Do Not Regret It.

Dear Zach,

It all started when I started to work as freelancer in 2018. It was hard -- trying to find odd jobs everywhere to pay off my bills and car loan. So I started to provide massage service by advertising online. Back in the days, the only website ,where you could search for local gay activity such gay massage parlor, gay sauna, and other exciting sexecapades, was a gay forum managed by a Singaporean company known as blowingwind. I advertised there. Slowly, I got requests every other day for massage service. When it comes to massage services for gay men, it never will be only massage. The massage is like a 1 hour foreplay, the main course is the sex. After the few attempts to reject myself from subjecting to sex, I realized if I don't do it, I will be doomed. So, I kept myself open-minded and have sex for pay.

I was picking up momentum in my services. I got clients from the locals and overseas, I ran from one fancy hotel to another in downtown, sucking dicks of different ethnicities and sizes and shapes, and got penetrated almost every other day by mostly unattractive, middle-aged, married, fat guys. I always play safe with condoms - which most of the customers do. Since I am a pure bottom, getting fucked was an relatively easy task. I was good in pretending feeling good. To be able to fake moaning, it was a skill. It was to tell the customers they are doing right and giving them the right to feel good. But some of them they fucked me real good I actually enjoyed it. Not sure what was it with these married man, they are extremely horny.

Towards the end of 2018, that time I was becoming active in twitter, and my services was slow down so I have to think of way to make money. Therefore, I took a leap faith and tried to upload a sex video of myself in twitter. The next day, my video was exploded with thousand of likes and hundreds of retweets. I was shocked that it got popular. I was happy and worried at the same time. My followers shot up from hundreds to 2k in just 24 hours. I couldn't believe it. The next few days, I uploaded another clip of me sucking a dick. It got popular as well. And I received plenty of messages about where they can watch my contents. As my followers was climbing exponentially high, I decided to open an onlyfans creator account to monetize my contents. It was a risky move. At that time, onlyfans was relatively fresh and unknown in my country. So it wasn't illegal so to speak.

Just like any other online content creator, you need to consistently upload fresh new content to engage your audience. So I made with video content with some fellow followers who were into it, and some customers of mine were okay getting recorded in sex but no face being shown. It was all amateur, nothing professional, nothing fancy. Just men 2 men enjoying sex. Each month, I dropped at least 2 new video contents in my OF page. As I saw the money coming in, I knew I was doing the right thing at the moment. My twitter page at that time had a whooping 20k followers and still climbing. I almost thought I was a gay porn star for real. Every day, I got messages for massage services and sex video collab, in which I was more than willing to comply to get my OF page going. Massage services and onlyfans were my 2 major sources of income in 2019. 

With the money I garnered every month, I managed to save a large chuck of money in my saving account. I managed to paid off my car loan once and for all. Technically, I was debt-free and financially independent.

As 2020 loomed in, with Covid and lockdown, all things went to hell. But not for me. I managed to survive lockdowns for 2 years with the saving I had. And every month I was still able to cash in from my OF account, still able to upload contents I made from a year before as I have made so much video contents with too many guys. To be honest, I am not a big spender. With the money I have then, I could have bought something fancy. But I did not. I save for emergency use and years to come. I live a very mundane life just like regular people even though I was a self-proclaimed porn star.

One day, I received an email from OF saying my videos have violated their rules and regulations, telling me to remove them or to obtain consent right from the party who involved in my videos. As OF was gaining their reputation, their rules and regulations have also been constantly updated to protect themselves against lawsuit. Some of my videos were hidden. I was not able to upload my content anymore since they have set such regulation for all the creators especially the home-made videos. As the years went by, I let my OF page died slowly. Even my twitter page was not updated frequently as before. I got concerned messages from fans asking if I was alright. In the end of 2022, I decided to close my twitter account. But I did not close my OF account. But I believe it has been deactivated by now.

Thankfully, I moved out from the local gay porn scene before it got overhyped by the local gays who did the same thing as me. It was dangerous as OF was getting its recognition on the news media in the recent years, and some of them have taken the advantage of do porn and upload online for monetization. However, it was all too late by then. As it becoming more exposed, the authorities have taken action against some Malay porn-star wannabes for uploading explicit content online. Some was arrested and charged. I was fortunate enough to jump out of the wagon because I knew it wasn't legal.

So that's what happened over the past 6 years going MIA. And I do not regret doing them. I believed God must have his reason to lead me to this path of life. Whatever it is, I am grateful that it happened.

I am writing this down so that I will never forget.  

Crave for Touch

Dear Zach,

These night I invited some tops over to my place to have sex after my parents asleep. My dad usually pop some sleeping pills before he sleeps, when he sleeps, he sleeps dead. My mum is obviously bed-ridden. So I wouldn't worry much about getting caught.

Rather than asking the tops to come through backdoor of my house at the back alley and straight to my room which they usually do beforehand, now I ask them to just come through the front door to avoid suspicion. Although I can finally host at night for sex, not many of them would want to come at late 10.30 pm on the weekdays just for a shag. Somehow there were a few willing to come as long as there is a bed, air-conditioner, and privacy for them to fuck. My bed time was 11pm. But when there is a sex ensued on that night, I would sleep at 12am. When I said you come at 1030pm, you come at 10.30pm sharp. Don't be late. Sex is important, but my sleep is way more importanter.

After a good ol' 20 minutes of good shag, I usually ask them if they wanna cuddle for a while. Most of them comply. Not sure why these days I was being nice and clingy to the tops. I tend to ask for cuddling after sex which I usually don't do. Sometimes during cuddling, I would sneak some pecks on their cheeks as if we were a couple, showing some affection after sex. Then, we would talk a bit of ourselves. But as it is getting late and they have to wake up early for work next morning, the after-sex cuddling last around 5 minutes the most. I am understanding because i also need my sleep. But it feels good to be embraced in someone's arm, sniffing their chest, sneaking pecks, and laying my head on their chest listening their pounding heartbeat. If this was me few years ago, I would have asked the tops to leave as soon as they were done. Is it true that when you grew older, you crave for more personal connection?

Spring Cleaning

Dear Zach,

For the past few weeks, I have been doing spring-cleaning of the things in the cabinets where my mum stores most of the unwanted tupperwares and empty containers. Little did I know that collecting empty and unused containers was my mum hobby. She always collect and store it for just-in-case - Just in case we need to store the biscuits ; Just in case there is leftover lunch ; Just in case we may need it in the future. Somehow, the chances of it happening was close to none. In the end, she ended up buying more empty containers without realizing there were plenty of it at home in the cabinets left untouched for years.

I have cleared bit by bit. All of them stored in the carton boxes. There were also plentiful of cutleries, plates, mugs, and so many kitchen wares stored in the cabinet, unused. In the process of clearing up, I was also in the process of getting to know how my mum stored things. Each carton box was a mystery to me, as if awaiting for me to unveil what is inside of the box. There were plates - flowery and intricate designs. I did not throw them away, because my mum loves beautiful items. Also, I did not have the heart to throw away such pieces, but some of them was covered with mold and seemingly worn out on its own.

The more I cleared, the more I got to know my mum -- each step I clear is a trace of my mum how she stored, how she felt for each piece of plate and saucer she stored could never see the light of the day til she die. Somehow, clearing unwanted things is the way to move on and let other important things to have their rightful place to be stored, kept, and treasured. My dad has no comment seeing how I climbed up and down the ladder to make space for the cabinet by carrying the large boxes up and down. There was a tad bit of sadness flashed across his face, somehow he knew deep down inside, most of the stuffs were just unused and a waste of space. 

I Don't Know

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, my home has been a busy hub hosting for friends and relatives to visit my mum who is bed-ridden now. Most of the relatives were coming outstation purposely to visit her for one last time. Although my mum could not recognize some of them, she still managed to open her eyes, staring at them, as if she recognize them, but barely able to speak. When she speaks, she speaks too softly, out of breath. She can barely move now due to pain. Pain is her best companion now til death do her apart. My dad has hired a day-carer to bath and change and feed for her. My dad had had enough of everything as if wishing my mum to leave the world as soon as she could, rather than seeing her suffering day by day, dying internally. Although the cost of hiring a carer was expensive, it was a price my dad willing to foot and wanting my mum to rest in comfort and peace. 

My aunt came to my room yesterday and asked.

"What is your plan after your mum died?"

It is a question, no doubt, I have been asking myself since years then and til now. What is my plan? 

To be truthful, I do not know, I said. 

I am in my 30s. No job prospect. Had a very interesting work background for a year in 2019. Learnt a bit and pieces of everything - I am jack of all trades, master of none.

I used to be passionate about something. Tried pursuing it. Somehow of being passionate about something does not guarantee you a financial security. Then, my passion died. Never thought of it again. 

As much as I wanted to tell my aunt about my plan. I couldn't. Usually, I would have came up with something. This time, I told her, "I really don't know."

Changing Who I am

 Dear Zach,

Over the weekend, my brother flew in with his family to visit our mum while she was still hospitalized til today. Although she was allowed to be discharged on Saturday, unfortunately, the requirement to discharge her was that we need to obtain oxygen support aid for her or else she will be back VERY soon to the wad. We were frantically asking around and making calls for the aids support. However, nothing comes cheap. I have talked to a few supplier, they quoted me a bomb. Sadly, the hospice care ,whom they frequently come and check on my mum, was off over the weekend. So the best scenario for that moment, I persuaded my mum to stay at hospital til Monday. She was upset but it was the best thing to do.

My nephew and niece were a nightmare in the house - running and screaming over toys. My sis-in-law was screaming down at them all the time. It is a great reminder to me that I am glad to be gay for now and forever - I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and hole, despise kids with passion. I am not great with kids. Kids don't like me. I don't care because I don't like them either - never will be. They were cute when they were babies; but when they grew up they are anything but cute. They reinforce my intention of never wanting to have kid all the more if I ever got married. I can't deal with them. I just can't. 

I sat down with my brother to have some serious talk about mum and dad and, also, me. Somehow he was told about the quarrel between me and my dad. I was told that I have a strong attitude since growing up, the world does not revolve around me, it's either I change to suit the society or the society detest you. I admit that I am an emotional guy with strong sense of attitude. I speak about the truth; I never liked to sugarcoat because it is pointless and fake. I am quiet on my own, but when I speak I speak lethal. That's why people who know me, they confide in me because i spoke about the truth. Many dislike me; some would respect me. This is who I am. But to change myself to fit in so that I can be likeable, I have tried that when I was employed. I was likeable, but it shattered me because I was trying to fit in rather than trying hard to do my job. I listened to my brother admonishment attentively, I did not resort to any self-defensive argument. I just listened to him. He's my only brother after all. He took over the process of preparing our mum's funeral - which was a relief for me and my dad. 

 

Bad Sex ; Great Sex ; Awaited Sex

Dear Zach,

I was in the mood to get railed so hard these days simply because of everything happening with me - my mum, the cancer, the stress, the hopeless future, my fitness bulking process, constant working out in the gym, the canker sore inside my gum killing me, and etc.

I was supposed to meet this new regular, whom I have met twice and the sex was amazing and he is an indian, few nights ago, but he did not reply my message until I have found another top whom I met in the gay sauna twice and we had light fun there and he is a Malay which I strictly don't prefer. Well, I met this Malay top in the sauna before I swore off meeting up with malay man, so technically speaking, I am not going against my integrity. Sound silly I know lol. Probably you may think this is unjustifiable. Anyway, he was on the way back home and he messaged me on whatsapp,

"did you just block me on grindr?" he wrote.

"huh? no." I replied.

"cause your profile pic was blank."

"probably I just changed to a new pic. thats why."

"ok. wanna meet up?"

I was horny and awaiting for my new regular top to reply but to no avail. So I invited him over since we both had some fun in the sauna and it was great. Somehow, the sex was underwhelming as fuck. It was just that the chemistry was off and he was trying so hard to pretend a Dominant but kinda failed. I felt like we were not as enthusiastic as we were before in the sauna. Also, there were some icks of him have made me turn off. I sent him off at the door when we finished and he texted me "thank you.". I wished him safe drive and good night and delete his conversation off my chat list. 

The next night, I invited the new regular top. We had a great time. He fucked me 3 times, and made out at the front door before he left.

I woke up the next morning thoroughly fucked. 

Thought of getting another indian top tonight whom I chated with 2 days ago as we both were interested to meet for sex. But alas, he has to work night shift, so we might meet tomorrow or the night after tomorrow. 

Guilty to Be Relief

 Dear Zach,

My mum was admitted to hospital again on Tuesday night. Her serious case of amnesia has gotten us worried, and the hospice nurse advised us to bring her to the ER. By 11pm, we knew it gonna take long hours in order to get my mum admitted to the wad when you were dealing with government hospital, we left her under the care of the nurses and doctors and went home ourselves. 

We went and visited her every afternoon lunch hour. She was in great care. She still did not eat. Her emotions were high and low, rendering us feeling agitated when talking to her. She was still in confusion - talking something that didn't even exist. I can feel my dad feeling sad and stress for her. I decided to end the visit quickly and got us out from there.

For the past few days, our home was in peace. I can feel the tension dissipated. My dad did what he enjoys to do - mending her backyard garden. He seemed relaxed and enjoyed the tranquility knowing my mum was in the hospital taken care of. It felt as if this was going to be the life if my mum passed. I felt guilty that I was relief when my mum was not bed-ridden at home, hoping she would just stay at the hospital til she passes, rather than coming back home having endless pains and complains. 

Today, we went to visit her. The doctor said she will likely be discharged tomorrow. We are glad but deep down inside we wish she stay there instead. 

Am I a bad son?