PED effect

Dear Zach,

Last few days, my fb newsfeed has been popping out news about some fitness bodybuilders with an impressive physique but dead at 30. Some were 40. What they have in common is that their physique are competitively ready for stage, big and chiseled, strikingly good-looking, but most of them did not live past 40. As expected when I read the comments, all blamings resort to the overuse of performance enhancing drugs (PED).

It is, in fact, that most heart-relating disease is largely induced by the use of PED. Some claims it isn't. But what you can conclude when a person was on strict diet and training regime can die from being healthy while the fat and obese men live past 40s and still eating shitty food?

It comes as no surprise the negative side effect of using PED. Somehow, there are plenty of youngsters jump on the bandwagon and injecting themselves because they can't wait to train for another 10 years just to get a mid physique. I blame social media for that. I even came across one gym goer in my gym, he shared his PED regime with me.

Sometimes I wonder if it is worthwhile risking your health just for that kind of attention?

Anxious

Dear Zach,

I was anxious about looking for jobs. I have been looking into it and certainly out of the loop in job searching for so many years. Linkedin is the primary source for job searching nowadays. Back in the days, Linkedin for me was just another social platform for a bunch of self-glorified and narcissistic people to brag their achievement on how they helping out their poor employee and gaining success from there. Soon enough, I realized all these people were just as fake as press on nails.

I tried to look into some job hunting websites and am very surprised by the demand of being active in social media. Most of the job ads I come across with are either Tiktok Live Promoter or Social media marketing exec or some sort. It is all about being active and shake your ass on these toxic social media platform that could likely land you a job.

I have no X, Tiktok, or IG, and certainly do not possess any of the criteria that fits in the job description. I gave up looking for it. I look into part-time job instead. But most of it require you to be bound for months and the working hours are just one or two hour less than working for full time. I wonder if they understand what it means by part time job.

I even thought about returning to working as Grab driver. Since I have my car, I could do it for the time being. It is just that I am worried about my safety and the condition of my car since I prefer driving passenger at night. I did work as Grab Driver years back before I worked for sex. I did it for a month before the government imposed strict rules for e-hailing drivers.

Or I could go back to one of the gym that I used to work. I could temporarily work as counter reception rather than working as trainer.

I don't know, the more I think about it, the more anxious I am.   

   

Anger

Dear Zach,

For the past few days, I have been in a very bad mood. I was unsure how my anger surfaced out of the blue. I was literally upset at almost everything in my eyes of view. It was probably triggered by the sight of one of the neighbor cars, parking at the corner narrow lane of the road, blocking half of the road as we knew the car would be staying put there forever. Other cars rarely passes by that road. It angers me not because of that, it angers me because what kind of family who needs 3 fucking cars in a compact household where each porch only can fit 2 cars, one at the back and one at the front. What worst is one of the cars is old and unused, tossing aside on the road and rendering inconvenience for others. This is why I really can't stand with Malays. In fact, I am kind of despise them after much incidents happened to me in relating to their race.

The unspoken anger harboring inside me finally exploded, I threw a fit at home because of that. My dad was perplexed as he was in the middle of watching Netflix. The more I thought about it, the more angrier I became. It even come across my mind that I would purposely scratch the car when I drive by. The next day, I thought I was over it. I tried my hardest not to think about it. Somehow my anger didn't seem to dissipate. I drove to the back of my house to pick up the used gasoline tank, it is the only way that I would have to pass by the narrow road and the car. I rolled down my window as I was nearing the car, our gap was as close as 2cm apart. I could do it. I can do it. I brought myself to bring out a 50cent coin and reached out the window. I almost did it. As I was closing in, I froze - a part of myself stopping me, as if internally telling me this is wrong to do. Feeling like an idiot almost caught in act, I retreat and drove away. A part of me was thinking I should have done. But I was relief I didn't do it.

Now come to think of it, I believe my imminent anger was built up due to the anxiety I have when I started seriously looking for jobs in the last few days. I will write about this in next post. 

  

Selfish

Dear Zach,

I never saw myself as a selfish being when I was young. I was always upheld with the notion of "when you be kind to someone, you will be rewarded" or some sort. After over a decade living as an adult in the cruel world, having a virtue trait of kindness is an absolute rare existence.

My dad is and has always been kind-hearted to people, especially to neighbors or family friends. His virtue is what made him, as a quiet man, to be having unexpectedly good amount of friends in his life. His friendly demeanor is what made him likeable, easily trusted, and dependent as a family man. Somehow, his virtue is somewhat ruined his life, our life, spiraling down from being in a reasonably wealthy middle-class family to a family almost go through bankruptcy. This happened when I was somewhere in my age between 8 to 12. He ran a chemical business with a few business partners and ended up getting cheated in large sum of money, leaving him with debts and filled lawsuits. That time we just moved to a new 2-story terrace house, I was young and not knowing he was going through such a hardship until my mum told us about it few years later.

"He is kind. Too kind and trusting with people." My mum said, sounding as if the virtue my dad has was a curse. Somehow, we managed to pull through and he still continue the business on his own with only a few big factory customers on hand to get by.

When I grew up, I told myself not to be kind, unless I was treated with kindness, then I reciprocate. Throughout my 20s as a working adult, I have met countless of unkind people. I started to become less verbal in work. That I was deemed being too unfriendly. People surrounded me started talking to me less. I couldn't be bothered. As it went on, I was unhappy so I quit. I job-hopped a lot. Somehow, my quiet demeanor has mysteriously upset many people. I decided to give up and work on my own.

To this day, I was still being unfriendly. I have my own resting-bitch face. I do my own thing I don't bother anyone else. Even when I kickstart my art career the year before, I created my own page on IG and all started from there. All opportunities came without being face-to-face talking with people. People like what they saw, they invited me to participate for art exhibition, fairs, and etc. I built it on my own without the help of others. I have gone through my own ways to be able to work with them.

Last month, my dad came back from a trip and has made friend with the tour guide who took care of him during the whole trip. She, then, set up a lunch date catching up with my dad 2 weeks later. She brought along her daughter for lunch after picking up her younger daughter. Somehow in between the conversation, she casually mentioned her daughter is working in graphic art designs, my dad think of me and told them I did the same but more into traditional art. Of course, he told them about the exhibitions and fairs I had.

When he was back home, he asked if I could show them my work and some ways for her daughter so that she has an idea for the venture. I downright said "no.". He was taken back. After a few attempts of trying to get some info out from me, he knew I wouldn't budge, so he disappointedly walked away. That's the end of story.

Yes, I was being selfish. I don't see the point of giving out my own works and ways for someone I didn't even know so that she can just walk right into it easily. She even has far more perks than me as she is already working in the graphic design industry. Moreover, she is a SHE. Bitch, you want equality so bad but when comes to career ladder, you didn't even want to work your way up yourself?

Even in the gym, there are some guys approached me more tips. I just casually told them the generic answers I always have rather than explaining what I did so that they could did the same. I won't give away free shit advice so that they can shortcut to achieving their goal without going through all hardwork I did for years.

Yes, I am selfish - I have always been. At this point of life, everyone wants a piece of anyone in an easy way.

           

Slow Down

Dear Zach,

This year I will practice the art of slowing down. Eat slowly. Drink slowly. Read slowly. Think slowly. Speak slowly. Drive slowly. Lift weight slowly. Breathe slowly. Suck cock slowly. As much as I intend to keep up with the pace of life these days, I realize I have never enjoyed the joy of being present. I think about tomorrow, the day after, and the future. Thinking about all the what-ifs, trying to make things right even it hasn't happened yet.

Rather than stressing myself about tomorrow, how about staying put at the moment and take in what I can? I can prepare. I can plan. Worrying? Worrying steals your peace.

My fitness goal is always a part of my new year resolution. Rather than going through a rapid fat loss to prove myself I could do it within certain amount of time frame, I will take my time and assess my progress and tweak a few changes to cater my goal. After all, I have no one else to prove except myself.

I will go slow in my sex life. I will try and have sex with men who are genuinely into more than just sex, from being platonic to being a good friend. But I am not sure how I gonna do that since I have deleted Grindr. Maybe I can try finding in my gym - I doubt it would happen.

Don't you ever feel like the time has sped up so fast as we grow older? Especially after Covid?

Before It Goes

Dear Zach,

I left blogging for 6 years. I came back to this safe heart-pouring space again after I absentmindedly clicked on my page in one afternoon back in March, and read through some of the archives, it reminded me that I should have not stopped blogging in the first place. I shouldn't have neglected this safe space of mine just because life is hard. I should have keep writing and sharing my life in words in which I do best. I am glad I did not delete this page in which I have the intention to do so. The reason I came back writing on this blog is because I have got no one else to talk to. Also, I want to keep this page alive and going til the day I die. This is the only page that last longer than all the jobs I had for the past 10 years in combined. I tried to check on other fellow bloggers if their page were still active. Suffice to say that, most of them stopped posting around the same time I left this space. I wonder if I held such influence to them in leaving their blog all together. I sincerely hope they are doing well. Gladly, there are less than a few bloggers still exist and writing. 

The year of 2025 was never easy for me and my family. The moment when I heard the news of my mum's cancer relapse in September 2024, I knew, a premonition, that my mum would not be able to live long enough to see my success in career. Around that time, my art gigs as an artist were running thin, since I was needed to be the pillar of support for the tough time my family would have to go through, I decided to give up and turned my attention to spending the remaining days with my mum. Each month went by in somber, she took her final breath and passed away in July.

The months preceding her death, I was definitely sad. The only distraction away from all the sad stuffs going on was headed to the gym in the morning. Somehow, I did not stray away from my fitness goal set in the beginning of the year. I was very discipline with my workout routine and diet. Over 10 months, my goal came to fruition in gaining 20kg of mass from 70kg. The regular gym goers were impressed by my labor of hardwork. Those who went missing for a few months in the gym and came back were shocked at the drastic increased of my body size. Their gaze of admiration further ascertaining my belief in working hard consistently if you set your mind to it.  

On the contrary, my sex life was pretty mundane, so to speak. I cut contact with my favorite regular sex buddy of mine. He is the only one who can still fuck me the best. He has a big black dick that is absolutely compatible with my ass. Suffice to say that we drifted apart and that is the end of us. I've had sex with other men from grindr and gay saunas and I've got great souvenirs (as in loads of cum in my ass). Somehow, they are not as great as him.

I am still at lost in my career prospect. At this point of life, I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I want to focus on my health and fitness, and probably venture back into it again in future.

2026. I just want to do what I love to do. Just go with your guts feeling. I hope I will be able to share more parts of my life here as long as I am still breathing. Those who blog, we are the rare existence. Let's keep blogging as tradition that will never die.

 

Heated Rawvivi

Dear Zach,

My FB feeds have been saturated with constant posting of fanshipping between 2 actors from Heated Rivalry. I watched a few short clips here and there and it did intrigue me to watch the whole season. But I don't subscribe to HBO Max so I forgo the idea. Somehow, there is a page in FB uploaded the entire season illegally streaming for free. I thank to the very person who did that. 

Here's my verdict: Overrated gay romance that doesn't project the current days gay scene.

I personally think it become such a big hit because people crave for the sense of vulnerability in men, especially in two masculine gay men. The sex scene is honestly subpar - I have seen better gay sex scenes in some Spanish series in Netflix. Or probably my sex tapes are much more better than it in overall.

I even think that if the show was to set in current days Grindr edition, the series would have ended in just 20 minute in the first episode per se. The top would have blocked the bottom and ghosted him indefinitely after their first sexual encounter.

On the other note, I watched a movie called Indecent Proposal in Netflix last night. It is about a broke married couple being offered one million dollars by a billionaire to spend a night with the wife. I mean, Demi Moore looks good in the scene but she is not that good for the worth of 1 million lol. In this current economy, I would have agreed to anything for one million dollars as long as it is deposited in my account. Sleeping with an old billionaire for a mil, how can someone be hesitated at such offer? I would do it in a heartbeat, be it married or not. I will! 

This is why I work so hard in the gym. Apparently, when you have a great chiseled body, every opportunity fall in your laps easily. That include being offered 1 mil for sex. 

Massage Seduction

Dear Zach,

Ever since the disreputable gay sauna raid happened last month, I have never stepped foot in other sauna ever. I refrained myself from thinking about sex. There were several times I was thinking about downloading grindr back again. I quickly dismissed the notion and let the steam out by jerking off during shower. I give myself credit for that.

I do crave for men's touch from time to time. So I decided to pamper myself with massages. Massage is and has always been my favorite self-care routine for the past years, especially when I work out very hard in the gym. I do stretching routine few times on the weekdays but that alone is not enough for your body recuperate from all the mechanical stress exerted on your body. I usually go for once session a month but this month itself I have already been for three times. It also gives me a reason to compensate my loss of going to sauna weekly. 

The masseurs are all men - I don't like woman's touch. I found them online in Google or Facebook group catering for all the masseurs who promoted their services there. I like to try out different masseurs rather than attaching to one. I don't bother much knowing if they are gay or what because I just want massage, anything extra after that would be a bonus. I presume most of them are straight.

I always go fully naked during massage and absolutely love the oily sensual touch caressing all over my naked body. They were also unfazed by my hard-on. It is pretty common because massage is to improve blood flood all over your body. Somehow, after a few session with some of the masseurs, they seem to give away their naughty side by playing with my balls, my anus, and my nipples. Before I knew it, they were down on my dick sucking me, eating my ass, and nibbling my oily chest. I always get so turned on and cum too quickly when the foreplay ensued on my oily body. I always feel a great sense of achievement unlocked by being able to seduce them into having sex with me by just laying there doing absolutely nothing.